Original subtitles

Sammy, want to play ball?

Ready? Ready? Ready? Go get it! Go get it! Go get it!

Greg,

if you weren't allergic to dogs, would you have still wanted to have a child?

That is ridiculous.

Good boy, Sammy. Good boy. Good boy. Here's your treat.

Hey, do you guys have any stamps?

Well, I used to have a hundred of them out in the kitchen drawer until somebody

decided to enter the KZLA Dixie Chicks Barbecue in Your Backyard contest.

Yeah, well, we'll see who's laughing when I'm out back with the chicks

keg singing goodbye, Earl.

Why don't you give it to me? I have to go by the post office anyway.

Oh, great, thanks.

Oh, you got called for jury duty?

Yeah, I guess that's what I get for voting.

Luckily, all you have to do to get out of it, though, is fill out the form,

it in.

What do you mean? You can't get out of it.

Sure I can.

I have two kids to take care of. Look, there's even a little box to check.

Sole provider of child care.

I love kids. It's the best thing they've done for me since they got me in the

carpool lane.

Christine, I'll watch the kids. You really need to do this.

Why? Because it's your civic duty.

The judicial system depends on people like us. We the people in order to form

more perfect union, establish justice.

Hey, I remember that.

Remember this one?

Lolly, lolly, lolly, get your average young.

Kim, look, everybody gets out of jury duty, okay?

Fine, don't go.

You know, we take a lot for granted in this country.

And we forget that people fought to give us our freedom.

They gave their lives, Christine.

All our country is asking you to do is sacrifice a little time.

A little time to be an American.

Fine, I'll go.

I'll be a stupid American.

One day that woman is going to be the shortest, cutest president this country

has ever seen.

So this is your first day with all three kids, huh? Yeah.

Hey, do you want to join us for lunch? We're going to grab something to eat at

the zoo.

Gosh, I'd love to eat at the hot, stinky zoo, but I already have reservations to

eat at a port -a -potty down by the bus station.

Well, here you go, Kim. They're all yours.

Hey, Christine, you look nice.

Oh, thanks.

I've never worn this outfit since last time I was in court.

I thought this was your first time on a jury.

On a jury, yes. In front of a jury, no.

Well, be careful today.

We're going to be close to some delinquents who probably would have

the difference between right and wrong. Well, thanks, but I think they keep us a

pretty safe distance from the criminals.

No, I was talking to Kim.

Bye.

So any special instructions for the kids?

No, just, you know, feed them and stuff.

Try to enjoy yourself. Remember, you're doing a good thing.

All right.

Who's ready to have some fun?

I failed.

Again? Are you freaking kidding me?

Hey, honey.

Yeah, right.

Sammy in his pajamas so early.

He never got out of them. We didn't leave the house.

Here, here. Sammy needs a bath.

There's a bowl of spaghetti spilled on the couch.

And this one needs to be canked again.

I don't understand it. All he would eat today was four raisins.

What the hell is going on in that body that turns this much raisin into this

much poop?

Where are you going?

Crazy. Well, say hello to my Aunt Linda when you get there.

Jimmy's watching TV with the kids. Are you okay?

Today was nothing but screaming, running around in confusion.

Like the first ten minutes of Saving Private Ryan with goldfish crackers

of bullets.

Look, three kids is a lot to handle. I mean, maybe you can't do it.

Oh, I can do it. I just wish it were easier.

Well, maybe if you tell Christine you're having a hard time. No, I'm not going

to complain to Christine.

This whole thing was my idea in the first place.

Oh, God.

I'm so exhausted.

Well, I'm sure it'll be easier tomorrow.

Oh, no. Tomorrow?

What? I was going to take Sammy to Mommy and Me class, but I can't bring all

three of them.

I guess we'll just be stuck in the house again. God help me.

Well, hopefully Christine will be done soon. I mean, maybe it'll be a short

trial. It's already too long.

I am so tired. I don't think I sat down once today.

Man, oh, man.

Oh, man.

Hey, how was your day?

Oh, well.

Hi, baby.

Hi. When I got there, they told me that I'd have to sit and wait until I got

picked for a case.

Oh, that sucks.

Well, that's what I thought. But then, you know, I got a cup of coffee, put my

feet up, started reading my book, and then I realized something.

No kids.

And it was in that moment that I realized that this is the greatest

the face of the earth.

Yeah, I realized that a long time ago when I got my first unemployment check.

Man, it was so great. You know, I forgot how...

Nice it is to just sit quietly knowing that there's no way a child is going to

come running into the room yelling, Mommy, look where I can put my finger.

So did you get on a case?

Yeah, yeah, I did around two.

And I was kind of bummed I had to stop reading my book. But, you know, it was

interesting watching all the lawyers argue and stuff.

It's kind of like watching a practice, only everybody was older and not as

attractive.

It's more like law and order. Yeah.

Do me a favor.

Don't tell Kim I'm having a good time. You know, I don't want to rub it in her

face since she's stuck here with the kids all day, you know? No problem.

Hey, Christine, how was jury duty?

Just a bunch of sitting around doing nothing.

Well, you're a good person for doing it. Yes, I am.

Jimmy, is there any way you can take off work tomorrow?

No, why?

Well, I'm not supposed to say anything, but Kim is having a hard time looking

after all three kids.

I bet she is. My kids can be a handful.

We've had people ask if we hit them, and when we say no, they ask if they can.

I don't know. It's just I feel bad for Kim. I wish I could help her.

Yeah, it's too bad we don't live back east anymore.

It's like whenever we needed someone to help out with the kid, we'd just dump

him in one of the grandmother's houses.

That's not a bad idea. Maybe I should fly Jenny out here for a week. No, no,

no, no. Bad idea. We do not want their mother out here, okay? She is the reason

we moved the families to the other side of the country in the first place.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, why don't you fly my mom out? What?

She could help. She loves the kids, and she's dying to see Los Angeles.

You think she can get out here right away? I could get her on the next flight

you want me to.

Sounds great. But look, don't tell Kim this was my idea. She would kill me if

Christine found out she was complaining.

Here, take my credit card. No, I don't need that.

What, you're going to pay? No, I got the number memorized up here.

It's going to be great, man. You've never met my mom. I know. I know. I'm

looking forward to it. We have a lot in common.

We can talk about what it's like to carry you for nine months.

Morning. Hey.

Where's Christine?

She left for jury duty.

Already?

I thought it didn't start till 8.

Uh, yeah, I think you've got to get there early to say the Pledge of

or something.

Oh, well, I guess I'll just take the kids now.

I don't really need to shower.

Uh, look, Kim, I've been feeling really bad about the fact that you've had to

take care of all three kids.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Well, no, but it could be better. So, uh, I got a little surprise for you.

My mother's coming out to help.

You're kidding.

Yeah, she's flying out today.

Hey, that's great.

Wow, Kim, that's pretty thoughtful, huh? I mean, now you're going to have some

help. Yeah.

Daddy, a taxi just drove up.

Taxi drove up? That's Grandma. Come on. Come on. Hey, this is great.

Problem solved.

I can't believe Jimmy did this.

Why?

It's hard enough taking care of three kids without that crazy lady to deal

What do you mean crazy?

You know how in every town there's a woman who wanders up and down the street

her bathrobe, curlers in her hair, swearing at people?

That's Jimmy's mom.

No. That woman used to complain about Jimmy's mom.

Well, even if she's not perfect, it'll be nice having an extra pair of hands

around, right?

Jimmy!

Look at you, you little spark plug.

Hi, Kitty.

Some house.

Looks like you roped in a rich boy.

Who are you?

Mom, that's Greg.

Hi. Huh.

You're a cute one.

Bet you're good in the sack, too, huh?

Well, I give it my all.

Yeah, skinny ones always try harder.

Here, I brought something for the kids. Oh, what's this?

A pack of firecrackers.

I heard you can't get them in California.

Hey, look, why don't you come out back? I'll show you where we live.

I'm starving.

Kimmy, could you throw some bacon on for me?

Sure, Kitty.

Make it crispy.

Ooh, leather chair.

It's not bad.

Yeah.

Anyone think this guy isn't guilty?

Good, good.

Let's vote so we can get out of him back to our lives.

Shove hands. Who says he's guilty?

I just don't think we should rush into anything.

We have a responsibility to take this seriously. This is a man's life we're

talking about.

And they haven't given us lunch yet.

Kitty, why are they eating sugar?

It keeps them busy.

It also makes them hyper, ruins their appetite, and rots their teeth.

Oh, please. Those are baby teeth, sweetheart. You could brush them every

minutes. They're still gonna fall out.

What is he watching?

Some kid's show on HBO, Wizard of Oz or something.

That's not the Wizard of Oz. That's Oz.

I'll be right back.

Grandma, I don't ever want to go to prison.

Good boy, Dominic.

Hey.

What a day at work.

Oh, Timmy, you're back.

Listen, could you do me a favor and watch the kids while I run to the

store? Sure thing.

Nonsense. The man... has been working hard all day. He didn't want to come

and do women's work.

You go get yourself a beer and relax.

We got everything under control.

Oh, thanks, Mom. It's great to have you here. Oh, well.

Feels good to help out, honey.

Well, I guess I'll just have to wait till Greg gets home to go to the store.

Nonsense. Go.

Go to the store.

It's a lot to handle with three. Maybe I'll take mine with me.

Whatever.

Here you go.

You know what? They love to ride in the cart. Maybe I'll take all three.

Come on, Dominic.

Suit yourself.

Oh, would you get me a new lighter when you're there?

Dominic broke mine playing with it out back.

This is some of the best Kung Pao I've ever had. Does anybody mind if I kill

this off?

Come on, Christine, the guy did it.

We saw him on the videotape robbing the liquor store.

Maybe the videotape was altered.

Why would someone pay thousands of dollars to alter a videotape to

man for stealing $500?

Love.

Right? Love can make you do crazy things.

I have two kids. I barely get out of the house, and when I do, it's usually to

the doctor's office.

It's the closest thing to a vacation I've had in five years.

Please don't make me leave.

Well, I'm sorry, but some of us want to get back to our lives.

Fine. I guess I knew it couldn't last forever.

Thank you.

All right.

Show of hands.

Who says he's guilty?

I have four kids at home. Two have the stomach flu.

We're not going anywhere.

Now you're talking.

Come on.

You know, I gotta admit, this is better than going to work.

My boss is a jerk.

Yeah. Yeah, a jerk. Who needs that, huh?

Well, it's either sitting in here or moving pianos. Oh, well, pianos are a

bitch. You know, they're heavy.

Yeah, you got that right.

Okay, well, come on, everyone. Let's vote again.

Who wants to stay?

Oh, come on. Look, we'll all vote guilty eventually. Let's just, you know, hang

out for a while.

You think if we asked to look at the security tape again, they'd get us a

Now you're thinking.

Hey, who hasn't seen Cannonball Run?

life.

Well, thanks for nothing.

So what are you doing today?

Same thing as yesterday.

Protect the kids from Keith Richards in there.

This milk smells like smoke.

Everything smells like smoke.

I swear I could put up with almost all of her other behavior. She just didn't

smoke in the house.

Why don't you ask her to smoke outside?

Oh, it's not worth it. She's only here for a while.

Deal with it. I just feel bad for you.

Why? It's not your fault she's here.

You're right. It's not. It's Jimmy's.

I don't smell bacon.

I'm going to go see Sammy's up.

So, uh, Kitty, we're really glad you could come out here and help with the

Oh, well, they're just so cute, especially yours.

How'd he get that blonde hair?

You sure he's yours, right?

Yeah, yeah, but thanks for asking.

Look, uh...

Kitty, could I ask you a favor? I mean, could you not smoke in the house? I

mean, it's really not good for the kids.

Oh, honey, don't worry about it. When the kids are around, I blow the smoke

straight up.

The kids are way down here.

I still think Kim would rather you probably smoke outside.

Oh, really?

Why didn't she just say so?

Well, because, you know, you're a guest in our house. She doesn't want to make

you feel uncomfortable.

Oh, hell. It'd take a lot more than that to make me feel uncomfortable.

You're talking to the woman that got caught peeing behind a tree at her own

wedding.

Well, good, because there's a couple of other things that sort of bother Kim

also. Oh, like what?

Like how you give the kids all that sugar and how you let them play with

lighter and how you taught them to take off the childproof cap on all your

prescription bottles.

nails were with.

But still, you know, it's just not the kind of thing Kim thinks a grandparent

should be teaching the kids.

Oh, I see.

Well, I hope I haven't offended you. I mean, the last thing I'd want to do is

upset you. Oh, no, you haven't upset me.

It's this little twig that's puked on my picnic.

If you had a problem with me, why didn't you just say so?

I didn't say anything. You didn't have to. You sent your little errand boy to

it for you.

No, I didn't, Greg. What did you do?

He told me what a lousy grandmother I am.

You said that to my mother?

Oh.

Mom, why don't you go out to the car? Take us all out for breakfast.

Well, aren't you sweet?

How'd you ever get that way being raised by such a horrible woman?

Look, you know something? I know my mother might not be perfect, but you

at least be nice to her.

Her coming out here was your idea in the first place.

Well, that was crazy, huh?

Do you know I've never cheated on you?

Never even thought about it.

It was your idea to bring her out here? Oh, you're still on that.

You know, I flew her out here to help you. I mean, I didn't know she was

That's why I just talked to her. I was trying to help again.

What makes you think I wanted you to help me? Well, you keep complaining to

about how hard it is. Why do you complain to me if you don't want me to

something? I just wanted you to listen.

Well, I did.

I listened, and then I tried to fix it.

Actually, Batman can't fly.

Is that really important?

It is to the citizens of Gotham.

Fine. So you're telling me that every time you complain about work, you want

to march down to your office and tell your boss that he's upset, my little

Greggy? Come on, Kim. That's different. That's my job.

Well, as unglamorous as it sounds, taking care of things around here is my

And if I run into a problem, I'll deal with it.

All you want me to do is listen, and that's what I'll do.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what?

If I really don't have to solve the problem, then I really don't have to

I just have to be in the room with my eyes open.

But I'm going to listen.

decision yet. I confess, he got sick of waiting.

Oh, wow. Well, I guess that's it.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Nobody really knows we're done, right? So, what do you guys say? We all meet

tomorrow for a matinee, huh?

Nah.

Outlet ball?