Original subtitles

Well, I don't know how that meal could have been any better. Well, you could

have paid for it.

Now, see, if I paid for it, it would have been a cheaper cut of meat and not

everyone would have gotten a potato.

But, nice guy that I am, I would be happy to do the dishes.

The dishwasher's broken.

What?

Hey, Greg, how about a little help with these dishes, would you? Sure, Jimmy.

Put a little soap on a sponge and give it one of these.

How does everyone feel about going to church tomorrow?

All right, all right, I'll help him, I'll help him.

I met this woman at the park who told me about this really great church she goes

to.

We don't have to shave our heads and marry a bunch of guys, do we? Because

me once.

No, it's a regular church.

I just thought that now that we have kids, it wouldn't be a bad idea to start

going to church again.

Well, isn't that a little hypocritical? I mean, we didn't go to church before we

had Sam.

Now, all of a sudden, we're going to thrust a bunch of beliefs on our child

instead of... Who's playing tomorrow?

Redskins Cowboys.

I'll go to church.

Really? I love church.

I mean, you get to sing as loud as you want. They give you a little wine.

It's kind of like God's karaoke bar, huh?

I haven't been to church since high school.

Scott Thomas and I broke in.

drank the sacramental wine, danced around on the altar.

Then we went up into the choir loft. Oh, God, I should go to church.

You are going to love this church. It's very L .A. They have free child care,

valet parking.

The organ player used to tour with Chaka Khan.

Hey, well, you guys do what you want. I'm watching the game tomorrow.

Greg, now let's go. to force you to go to church.

You do what you think in your heart is right.

Well, this isn't fair. Last Sunday I woke up, I watched football, and I was a

fine father. Now if I don't go to church, I'm this horrible person?

Greg, no one is saying that.

Stay home and enjoy yourself.

Sammy and I will go without you.

All right, fine, fine. I'll take the game and go to church.

I don't know what that poor guy's mother did to him, but God bless her, I could

guilt him into anything.

Well, that wasn't too bad. Yeah, I thought it was a really nice service.

Except when we were in the middle of singing that hymn and Jimmy yelled

verse, same as the first.

We're trying to get the crowd going, man. Some of those old ladies are

it in.

Oh, we better go pick up the kid.

Oh, you know what? When you go to pick up Sam, could you tell him that we're

going to pick up our kids after the next service?

You're staying for another service?

No, we're going to Denny's. See ya.

Come on, let's go meet the minister. Oh, Kim, please don't make me meet the

minister. That's how they suck you in. I just want to go home and watch the

game. It's on tape. It's not going to matter if you spend five minutes talking

to the minister.

Reverend, we just wanted to say hello.

I'm Kim Warner, and this is my husband, Greg.

Hi, I'm Reverend Green.

Thanks so much for coming. I don't think I've seen you here before.

Well, that's because we just moved here from D .C.

Ah, you're from Washington, yeah. I just heard the Redskins won in overtime.

God!

Bless you for the great news.

We just wanted to say it was a beautiful service. We have to go pick up our son

in the nursery.

Ah, your parents. Yeah, one of our members runs a daddy's group in his home

every Saturday.

Oh, that sounds great, but Saturdays are very busy. What does this group do?

Well, we just get together and talk and share experiences as husbands and

fathers. We answer questions and help each other with emotional issues. And

know what?

Bill's right there. Hold on one sec.

This sounds interesting, doesn't it? What are you doing to me?

I was just telling Greg here about our daddy's group. He's thinking of joining.

Did you hear that, Tim? I'm thinking of joining.

We would love to have you. I think everybody can learn to be a better

and father. You won't believe how much you'll get out of it. You won't believe

how much I want to get out of it.

I think we owe it to our children. I mean, you can never be too good of a

father, right?

Where do you live?

My address is right here in the bulletin. Hope to see you there.

Thanks, Bill.

So, listen, if you want to stick around, we can slap some name tags on you. You

can join us for the bean supper.

No, we better get our kid out of nursery. Right, honey?

Nice meeting you. Ow!

We're always looking for volunteers in the nursery.

Keep walking. Just keep walking.

Of course not. Don't be so dramatic.

You're going to meet to the daddy's group.

What? Oh, come on. I don't want to go to that. Oh, we're going all right. I'm

going to learn how to be a better father and husband, and you're going to learn

how to keep your mouth shut when my wife says, who wants to go to church?

Oh, man, you know, it's just going to be a bunch of guys sitting around in a

circle, whining about how daddy never played with them like a bunch of babies.

You promised we'd go to a hockey game.

Fine, fine. If you really don't want to go, I'll drop you off at this bus stop.

Thank you.

Hey, you're driving past the bus stop.

No.

Man, you lie about everything.

Glad you could make it.

God, they're all hugging each other.

I knew this was going to be touchy -feely.

This is great.

I'm not sure I understand.

I mean, we're just going to watch a little football until everyone gets

and then we're going to talk about our feelings and stuff?

No, Greg. We're going to watch a little football until everyone gets here, and

then we're going to watch a little more football.

Hey, everyone. My name is Jimmy, and this is my brother -in -law. Duh.

Let's see. That's Tony Evans.

Jerry, Lou, and that's Neil Goldman. He's a Jew. He's here learning how men

other faiths deal with fatherhood issues.

Come on, guys.

If they don't win by two touchdowns, my kid's not going to camp.

Hey, so, Bill, where's your wife and kids?

Oh, they're kind enough to leave on Saturday so the daddy's group can have a

little privacy.

So this whole thing is a front?

It would be a front if this was the mafia.

It's just a bunch of guys hanging out watching football, huh?

I don't believe this.

You guys are brilliant.

Well, we believe that being a dad and husband is very hard. And, hey, I mean,

love my wife, but there's a reason God was a single father.

Amen, Father.

You know, at church, you guys should give a wink or something when you give

whole better father and husband speech. I almost drank paint to get out of

coming here.

Greg, I didn't say anything that I don't believe. I think if we spend a few

hours hanging out, relaxing, that we all go home better husbands and fathers.

This is amazing.

I mean, we've been given a great gift, delivered to us by a man of the church.

It's like a miracle.

Greg, please, it's not quite a miracle.

If Ohio State covers the spread, that would be a miracle.

Well,

I should get going. I've got to be in the house before the sun goes down.

Jewish holiday?

Jewish wife.

Oh, it's 7 o 'clock. Oh, my God, I told Kim I'd be back by 4. Hey, now, calm

down, Greg. Your wife called an hour ago, and I told her that we were going

be here a little longer than we had planned, and I reminded her, the more

put into this, the more you get out of it.

This is the greatest church ever.

Now, listen, I want you all to go home, give your wife and children a big kiss,

and remember, next week the game starts at 10.

Next week.

Yeah, is there anything wrong?

Seems like a long time all the way to next week.

Hey, isn't there a big fight on Wednesday?

Yeah, my wife won't let me order it because of the kids.

Sure, she lets them play video games where they blow each other's heads off,

if I let them watch a boxing match, suddenly I'm the great Santini.

Maybe we can watch it here.

What are we saying, a midweek meeting?

Well, it's just a suggestion. I mean, I don't want to overstep my bounds.

No, no, it's just that we never had one.

I say we go for it. I don't know. We've always had just one meeting a week.

How are we going to explain two?

Yeah, we might be pushing it.

Unless we tell our wives that we got two new guys in the group. They're both in

great pain.

One has food issues and the other is unable to perform sexually.

I'll take the food issues.

What a good bunch of guys, huh?

Geniuses. We should sign up to be in the men's choir. I'm guessing that's poker

night.

All right, listen, let's get our story straight. What are you going to tell

Oh, my God, I didn't even think of that.

Oh, that's all right. Just make something up.

I don't lie to my wife.

Oh, come on. You've never lied to your wife? No, and I'm not going to start

Well, it's not like they're always honest with us.

Unless you actually believe you're the best she's ever had.

Oh, my God, you do, don't you?

Look, I don't care what you tell Christine. I'm not lying to Kim. I'm not

to lie to Christine. It's just when she asks me about it, I'm going to be a

little vague, quickly change the subject three or four times, and then she'll

forget all about it. And that works for you?

Every time.

You know, Kim only had one serious boyfriend before me.

Man, you fell for everything, didn't you?

and we went to sleep.

I don't think that there's anything more beautiful than a sleeping child.

Why do you see them wipe themselves?

That'll bring a tear to your eye.

I think this is the first time I've sat down all day.

You realize this is our life now.

We feed him, we entertain him, we put him down for a nap. It's just one

boring loop of monotonous activity.

Come on, it's Saturday night.

Pizza night.

That's right, it's pizza night.

Oh, I have a coupon from that place that has Chicago stuff.

God, our lives are pathetic.

You know what's really pathetic?

I've been looking forward to this since Thursday.

Hey, we're back.

Hi. Hi.

So, tell me all about the daddy's group.

Oh, it was great. We talked and stuff. Hey, did you RSVP for your cousin's

wedding? Because I checked beef, but I think I want fish.

Yeah, but I can call her tomorrow. That'd be great. Hey, remember when we

that fish at that restaurant that was shaped like a boat? Where was that?

Ocean City.

Oh, yeah, you guys. That was the trip where I got caught up on the undertow

I swallowed so much sand they had to pump my stomach.

God, I'm hungry.

Oh, we were going to order pizza.

Oh, what are we waiting for? I saw a coupon on the fridge.

So,

tell me about the daddy's group. It was great.

Hey, were we invited to that wedding? Because I didn't check off beef or fish

either. I checked fish for both of us. Oh, great.

Hey, can I borrow your car for work Monday? Mine's making a noise. Sure,

bring yours into the shop.

Fantastic. Remember that time the VCR was making a noise and you thought

was breaking into the house?

Yeah, that was weird.

God, you were tense that night. Want me to rub your back?

Wow.

Thanks.

So tell me more about the daddy's group.

How can I say this?

Well, I can honestly say that it wasn't what I expected.

Really? Well, what did you guys talk about?

Well, I kind of need to respect everyone's privacy, but I can

truthfully say that I found out when 11 men huddle together, they can accomplish

many goals.

That is so great.

So are you going to go back?

Yeah, yeah. Actually, there's a special meeting this Wednesday. Oh, how come?

Well, there's some heavyweight issues to be decided.

And we're not coming home till there's a clear decision.

Nice.

I was just checking out my wife's ass.

Okay, Reverend, I've had this idea for a couple years now, but I'm just going to

give it to you. Free.

It's yours.

I'm listening. Okay, so you know how everyone's so diet conscious nowadays,

know, especially in L .A.? Yeah. Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.

Low -fat communion wafers.

You're kidding, right? No, and I already came up with a brand name for it. I

can't believe it's not our savior.

Fight's about to start. Oh, good. I've been waiting for this all week.

All right, let's go, boys.

Get up.

Get up.

Get up!

It's over.

Can't believe it's over.

So what do you guys want to do now?

Well, I guess we could all just go home. No, no, no, no, I don't want to go

home. My wife is there.

Well, what should we do then?

What else is on?

Hey, Reverend, could you get that for me? Sure. Thanks.

Better not be one of those Jehovah's Witnesses.

What's this?

Ice fishing.

They show this on TV.

They're just a bunch of guys sitting around watching a hole in the ice.

A bunch of losers.

Was that a nibble?

Greg? It's your wife.

Oh, my God, what is he doing here?

You give yourself up if you have to, but don't betray the group.

Reverend.

Reverend, you're hurting me.

Just as long as you understand.

Honey, what are you doing here?

You took the car with the car seat. I need your keys. Oh, sorry. Here, take it

easy. Drive safely.

Wait.

How's it going?

Fine.

Are you guys getting into some serious issues?

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone's opening up. I really got to go. It's my turn to talk.

Oh.

What are you going to talk about?

I'm going to talk about our wedding.

About how I felt on our wedding day.

Sweet.

Yeah.

Go. I'll see you later. Okay.

Greg. Yeah.

I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for doing this.

I don't think you really should. No, no.

You went into this because I wanted you to, and you embraced it with an open

heart. It means so much to me.

I married a good man. Thank you.

Oh, my God, I'm going to hell.

Now calm down, son. I know you're feeling a little guilty right now, but I

it's important that we stay focused on the bigger question.

Do you think she bought it?

Of course she bought it, because I've never lied to her before. She believes

me because she's an honest, decent person, unlike myself.

I hope there's cable TV in hell, because that's where we're all going.

Stop making such a big deal out of this.

Oh, come on.

Why can't we share our feelings a little so I don't feel like we're lying so

much? Okay, you want me to share my feelings? You're driving me nuts.

Anybody else want a beer? I'll take one. Me too.

Come on, everybody. Let me talk a little bit about my wedding so I don't feel

like I'm lying.

I don't know what you feel so bad about. It's not like we're having affairs.

We're just watching a little TV.

Yeah, maybe we don't need to open up and share our feelings.

Just because women need to open up doesn't mean that we do.

All guys need to do is just sometimes go off and be guys.

Yeah, but it's not like we're totally insensitive human beings. I mean, we

feelings. Yeah, we just don't always have to tell everyone about them.

Yeah, because no one really cares.

I mean, who wants to hear some guy blabber about how sometimes late at

feels a little scared or a little vulnerable?

You feel vulnerable?

No, no, I'm just saying... I'm not saying that I never feel vulnerable. I'm

a stone, but...

You know, sometimes when you're lying in bed at night playing the what -if game

in your head, you know, what if something happens to my wife? What if

happens to my kids?

What if something happens to you and you can't take care of your family?

Oh, I hate that one.

Picture yourself lying there in that hospital bed.

You see that look in your wife and kids' eyes that the whole world is crashing

down? And, of course, you can't tell them you have these thoughts because

everyone knows Daddy's supposed to be Superman.

Yeah, they tell you they want you to be sensitive, but the moment you show that

you're just as scared of your own mortality or even a bug, well, suddenly

a wimp.

Oh, that is so true.

I hate bugs. I don't care if you're a man or a woman. A big hairy bug is a big

hairy bug.

And when did they get to be the only ones who get to be sensitive about their

look? Right. God forbid I ever mention that she's a little heavy, but any time

she wants to make jokes about my love handles, look...

And I ball.

And all she can say is, why are you so sensitive about it? I'd like to see her

wake up one morning with no eyebrows, so that would be a tragedy.

It's just good to know that you're not the only guy in the world who sometimes

feels like he's running as fast as he can, and still, it's just not good

You are not alone, buddy.

I love my family, but I'm not Superman.

Hey, you don't have to be. Not here, not with us.

Ah, what the hell? Come on!

What's going on?

Nothing, we were just talking.

Why were you guys hugging?

I should... I'll be in my room.

I should get going, too.

Tony, are you crying? Don't look at me!

I'll see you next week!

Uh, you know, actually, maybe it's best if we, uh, take a break for a few

months.

What?

Yeah, that sounds best.

What did you do?

Uh, you sure it's okay if we don't go to church with you guys?

Nah. We'll miss you in heaven, but let's be honest, we never really had much of

a shot anyway.

Oh, that's true.

So you're cool with me not going to church?

Yeah, I know you'd rather watch football anyway.

Well, we won't be total heathens. We will be rooting for the saints.

At least to cover the spread.

All right, well, you guys have a good time. We'll see you when we get home.

Which may not be till late in the afternoon, because we'll probably swing

mall after church.

Well, we'll probably miss you.

Hey, can you believe this?

I mean, we lie to our wives.

We use the church as a cover. We're breaking commandments left and right,

this is how we're punished. A free Sunday to watch football.

Just goes to show you the bumper stickers are true.

God is a Redskins fan.

What is that? Oh, this is not right.

Oh, the cable went out.

We should probably go to church. I'll get my towel.