Original subtitles

Christine, why are you packing all these old clothes? What is your mother going

to think when she sees her grandkids running around in worn -out clothes that

don't fit?

Well, if we're lucky, she'll think I married a loser, and then she'll buy the

kids new clothes.

Christine, she hates me as it is. I can provide for my family. I have a job now.

Well, we can tell her that, or you could shut up, and then maybe I can get my

mother to buy us a new TV.

Maybe I should go put on a shirt that makes me look like a loser.

No, you're good.

Who's ready to fly?

Have you been drinking?

A little.

You know, I don't like airplanes, so take the edge off. I had a little

Mimosa.

Mimosa to see my mama.

I'm going to miss you guys.

You know, absence makes the heart grow horny. Okay.

Okay, let's get some food in your stomach. I cannot believe you weaseled

this trip. What are you talking about? I have a very important business dinner

followed by two days of doing whatever I want while you're stuck with the mother

-in -law.

I can't believe I got to go there, man. Jenny keeps it like 100 degrees in that

house. I know. The last time we were there, I saw a banana rot in a half an

hour.

The worst part of it is that she hates me no matter what I do. She hates me.

Well, she likes me and it's no better. She gives me that big kiss and then she

licks her thumb and tries to get her lipstick off my face and I wipe it off

start eating something with my fingers. I mean, I might as well have made out

with her.

Well, I hope you feel better. You sound awful.

It's your boss. He's canceling your dinner. You can go on our trip.

What?

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, she's... Yeah, she just said that.

Well, have you talked to your doctor? Because there's all kinds of new

medicines.

Okay. All right. Bye.

Oh, great.

I can't believe you get to come with us.

Oh, yeah. How lucky are you? I mean, if he had called just ten minutes from now,

we would all have been gone.

Wow. That was close.

Hurry up. Go pack.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I can't just buy an airline ticket at the last minute like

I mean, they're going to charge a fortune. It's going to cost thousands of

dollars. I guess you're right.

I better go grab the rest of those bags.

He's going, he's going, he's going.

He's not going.

This is your final call for flight 77 to Washington, D .C.

Thank you.

No ticket. for the kids?

Oh, uh, they're under two. They're gonna sit on our laps.

He's two?

Yeah. He has a disease that makes him big.

Just get on the plane.

Have a good trip and call me as soon as you get there. You know how I worry.

Put that under your arm. You gonna be okay if I balance this on your head like

that?

I can't carry all this stuff.

Oh, excuse me, ma 'am. Could you help my wife get on the plane? No, I'm sorry. I

can't leave the gate, but you can help her off. So much for the friendly skies.

Thanks a lot.

The bag won't fit under the seat.

Put it in the overhead.

Mommy, something stinks.

thing that man smells.

Dominic.

Oh, sir.

I am so sorry. I mean, you know how kids can say that.

Where'd you put the bag? Way in the back. Have a good trip. I can't get the

seatbelt to latch. Let me try.

Flight attendants, please prepare for departure.

Oh, my God, we're moving. Kim, we're moving. Oh, stop, I have to get off the

plane. Hello?

Kim,

no, I have to get off the plane.

No, you can come with us now for free. But, Kim, I don't have a ticket.

It's not a train. They're not going to come around and punch your tickets.

He's going, he's going, he's going.

He's going.

Kim, maybe he's hungry.

I just fed him a half an hour ago.

Hey, how'd you get him to sleep?

Benadryl.

You think you drugged your kid? No. They have allergies.

To what?

Stuff.

I've never seen him allergic to anything.

What are you, a cop?

Yes, I drugged them, okay?

Now leave me alone. I'm listening to Spotlight on Toby Keith.

I'm not doing the bird thing in here. Come on, it always works.

Fine.

Hey, Sammy, it's a crazy bird.

Hey,

Sammy, it's a crazy bird.

Excuse me, sir. I know, I know. I'm just trying to get him to stop crying.

Actually, we prefer the crying.

pants off.

Yeah.

Don't wear this old rag here.

Oh, God.

I know.

Hey, where's Sammy's pants? I don't know. Dallas?

I can't believe this. I'm not even supposed to be on this stupid plane. You

know, if I were you, I'd lighten up a little.

What? Why?

You're stuck going. You might as well get credit for it.

What do you mean, credit? Look, man, the more stuff we do to make our wives

happy, the more we get back later.

Think of it as earning frequent father miles that you can cash in later for

perks, you know?

Like more golf, more sex, less yackety -yack -yack -yack.

Well, I guess I should get something for doing this.

Greg, I hate to ask you to do this, but I forgot to give you Sammy's rash cream.

No problem, honey.

Sammy and I had fun in there anyway.

Thanks, honey.

And just think, three more hours, we'll be there. I can't wait.

Are you telling me I have to have this phony smile on my face for the whole

trip? No, not the whole trip.

Your whole life.

Mom, we're home!

Hello?

Oh, look, she's into angels now.

They're not a decade too soon.

You're not the one who's supposed to have a job.

Hello, James.

Hi. Oh, wouldn't want to wrinkle that nice shirt.

It's okay, Jimmy. I got it. Great. Well, what a surprise.

Great.

You still playing golf? Well, not as much as I'd like to.

I was saving these until you came at Christmas, but I ordered these special

personalized golf tees.

Just for you.

Sure, a lot of them.

But, Ginny, they don't have my name on it. They all say Ginny Lutke.

What?

Oh, I must have filled out the form wrong.

Oh, well, now every time you play golf, you can think about me.

Oh, well, thank you. That was very thoughtful of you. Oh, Dominic, no,

sweetheart, don't touch.

Everything's right where Grandma wants it.

Ooh, it's a little warm in here, isn't it?

Nonsense. You're just overheated because Jimmy was too lazy to help you in with

the luggage.

I didn't think we'd be seeing you two together.

Of course, your mom and I aren't married anymore. It doesn't mean you can't be

civil to each other. John, could you at least put a coaster down?

Shut up.

Greg, you still think you're better than everybody?

What? No.

Now, what did happen, Greg? I thought you were staying home. Well, I

accidentally got stuck on the plane, and rather than get off, I thought this was

a great chance for me to come see my in -laws.

Well, aren't you just the sweetest thing?

Ten minutes.

Come on, let's go.

Kim, it is 5 .30 in the morning.

I know, it's a little crazy, but Dad likes to have an early breakfast.

Well, why don't you wake me up around 8 .45 when he's getting ready for lunch?

Come on, sleepyhead.

I'm sick and tired of acting like I'm having fun.

I don't even want to be on this trip.

I mean, I'm sweating like a heroin addict and... Your mother won't stop

me every time I turn around and knock over another little ceramic person. For

God's sakes, I feel like Gulliver.

Well, it didn't seem like you were having such a miserable time when you

teaching my mom how to email.

Well, Kim, I was just being nice. I mean, teaching your mom how to email is

teaching a monkey how to email.

I'm sorry, I just don't want to be here.

I was just trying to act like I was having fun so you'd be happy.

Well, why the hell did you stop?

Because it is 5 .30 in the morning.

You know what? If you don't think spending time with my family is

then you go back to sleep.

Just as long as you're happy. That's all that matters.

Oh, boy.

Oh, God.

Oh, those pancakes look good. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Did you just wait until

Christine finds the placemats with everyone's names on them?

Jimmy, would your pancakes taste any better if you were looking at your name

while you ate them?

Don't embarrass Jimmy by asking him questions about manners.

We're lucky he has a shirt on.

I think I'm going to go get some juice.

Mom. I don't think they're eating her. Oh, look, you try the closet upstairs.

Mmm.

These pancakes are delicious.

But what is my name?

I

swear

to you, that mother of yours is going to drive me crazy one day.

How did such a sweet behind come out of such an evil woman?

Stop.

Oh, I just thought where the placemats are. They're up in the attic. Don, would

you please? I'm not going to go to the attic for placemats. It's stupid.

Well, as long as you think so, that's all that's important, because who cares

what anybody else thinks?

I was just trying to do something special, but it's all about you, isn't

You have made me feel so guilty that now I am compelled to go up

to the attic to retrieve the placemats.

But no, wait.

I have no wedding ring on.

And so I am free.

I am free of your load of manipulative crap.

You are insane.

I'm insane?

For 25 years, you made me do things I didn't want to do, and I took it with a

smile until I realized, after the frustration built up and built up, that

would rather have half of my stuff than all of you.

And now, where's the powdered sugar?

It's in the attic, next to the placemat.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

They're not all like that.

Good morning.

I'm here. Are you happy?

Hey, Mr. Howell. How's lovey?

Shut up. I had to borrow some of Don's old clothes. It was either this or

jogging suits.

I used to love to jog.

I'd go out 10, 12 miles until she'd come after me in the car and make me come

back home.

I wasn't trying to pick you up. I was trying to run you over.

Hey, where's everybody going?

Oh, we're going to spend the day out at Uncle Howard's farm.

Oh, no. Uncle Howard's farm? The Las Vegas of animal crap.

You didn't say anything about going to Uncle Howard's farm.

That's because you don't have to go.

What?

I know you don't want to go, and I've made you do enough already.

You know, there's a game on, the house will be empty, and you deserve some time

to yourself.

Seriously? Yeah.

Oh, I left the air conditioning on. It should cool off by noon. Thank you.

Thanks so much.

Huh.

I can't believe it.

I know.

Being honest worked.

Come on, Jimmy. Let's go.

Uh, yeah.

Listen, Christine, um, I just want to be honest with you. I really don't want to

go to Uncle Howard's farm.

Greg doesn't have to go.

What, you want me to go even though you know I don't want to go?

Oh, man, okay, fine.

Funny thing is, I don't care whether he goes or not. It's just sport to me now.

It's going to be a long ride back to the trailer tonight.

Hey. Hey, did you have a good time? Oh, it was amazing.

My God, it's freezing in here.

Come on, Dominic, let's go get cleaned up before we eat those hamburgers.

Are hamburgers made from cows like the ones we made friends with today?

Yeah, honey, I'm afraid they are. Cool.

How about my house back?

So you guys had a good time, huh?

You should have seen your son.

He milked a cow.

You're kidding.

No. Dominic and Logan were scared to death, but then he just went right up

started milking.

I can't believe I missed it. You didn't miss anything. I got a roll of the tape.

I can't believe he actually milked a cow. I know. It was adorable.

He just grabbed a hold of that thing and wouldn't let go.

You don't think I stopped...

breastfeeding too early, do you?

Okay, here it is.

when it was off.

You foreign piece of crap.

You didn't get one shot of Sam.

I'm sorry.

I should have gone.

Oh, it's not that big of a deal. Yeah, not to you. You got to see it. But, you

know, I wish you'd have made me go.

Made you go?

You're kidding. Kidding, right? You yelled at me this morning because I

get you up for breakfast.

Well, yeah, but then I came down, and thank God I did, because your father

scares the crap out of me. I mean, the man makes a lovely pancake.

I'm not making you do things anymore.

Why not?

Because 25 years from now, you're going to wind up resenting me for it. No, I

won't. I promise.

Make me do stuff.

That's our system.

That's insane.

Well, yeah, but it works. I mean, you drag me kicking and screaming to do all

these things, and I end up having fun.

Really? Yeah, like flying that kite or the rose parade. I wouldn't have done

of that stuff unless you'd have made me do it.

Like the crafts fair last weekend?

No, I truly hated the crafts fair.

But everything else made me do it.

And you won't resent me for it? No.

No, Kim, you married a lazy man. I need to be pushed, so start pushing.

So you want to go back to Uncle Howard's farm and see if Sammy will milk that

cow? Oh, I don't know. How far away is it?

Shut up and get dressed.

Ah, there we go.

Where's Sammy?