Original subtitles

Hey. Hello. Hey, how was your walk? Great. We got cereal.

Why'd you buy so many little boxes of the same kind?

We didn't buy them. They're free samples. They were in all your

newspapers.

You stole everyone's free cereal? Well, first of all, if it's free, can you

really call it stealing?

I don't believe this.

Sam's pediatrician is retiring.

Dr. Varga?

I don't believe it. He's barely 50. How can he retire?

Or maybe he got rich off people who bring their kid in every time he coughs.

It was a wet cough.

And Dr. Varga always says, if your child has a wet cough, you should bring him

in. Yeah, I think that's what he named his yacht, the wet cough.

Well, it's not that hard to retire early. That's what I'm going to do with

investments payoff.

But not today.

Stupid lotto balls.

This isn't fair.

Sam really trusted Dr.

Varga. He actually liked going to his office.

Honey, Sammy's won.

I think you're confusing trust with fish tank.

So, what are you guys going to do?

I don't know. It says here he sold his practice to a Dr. Trabert.

Sold his practice? What does that mean?

I guess he sold his patient.

He sold our son?

I think so.

I wonder how much he went for.

Are you kidding?

He's allergic to ten different things, and he has an overprotective mom. He's

like a little slot machine with a diaper full of silver dollars.

Well, I'm not going to another doctor just because he bought us. I mean, this

my son's health we're talking about here.

Well, okay.

Then we'll need to go up in the attic and find those insurance books.

I think they're somewhere behind all those Christmas boxes.

And then we'll start making lists and call around for recommendations and set

some appointments for next weekend.

Maybe we should try the new guy.

I'll make an appointment.

What? You'd take your son to a veterinarian before you'd move those

wouldn't you?

Hello?

No receptionist. No, I guess not.

It's quiet.

Yeah, that's nice, huh? Dr. Varga had all those kids running around, playing

with all those toys, looking in the fish tank.

No fish tank here.

No toys either.

Yeah, well, that's probably good. You didn't like Sammy playing with all those

germy toys anyway.

That's true.

Now, last time we were there, I think he got headlights from a curious George

doll.

Oh, filthy monkeys.

Hi. Hi.

Wow, must be a long wait to see this guy. They're ordering pizza.

Are you Mr. McWarner?

Yeah. Nice to meet you. I'm Dr.

Traver.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I had to go out and get lunch.

I'm a little short -handed. My wife, she usually works behind the desk, but I

was kind of sick today.

No problem.

Look, let me just put this stuff in the kitchen, and I'll come back out and

we'll talk. Great.

Great.

Okay, I know you're going to think that I'm crazy, but I'm really not sure about

this. Not sure about this? Are you kidding? He's 12.

I wouldn't be surprised if he still giggles at people when he sees them

I know.

Stand. That'd be great if we were buying falafels, but this is our son's health.

Oh, I know, and his kid is sick.

His kid is sick.

How would you feel if your mechanic couldn't get to work because his car was

broken? Not good. No, no, not good at all.

So what are we going to do?

I don't know. I think maybe we should tell him the truth.

I guess, yeah.

Oh, it's going to be really awkward, though.

Yeah, I know, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm glad you're here.

Because if you weren't, if I was here by myself, I'd probably sneak out and

avoid the awkwardness.

Jim?

I'll just be another second. Oh, you doof, Beth. Now,

this

is a doctor's office.

Wait until my mommy and me group hears about this.

Oh, Dr. Bernstein's the most... Famous pediatrician in L .A. We all have his

book. Well, look, just try not to do that nervous laughing thing you do when

meet him, okay?

I'm not going to get nervous.

But this is a big deal. And he takes very few new patients. We have to make a

good impression.

Well, don't worry. I've already laid a little groundwork. When I called, I sort

of mentioned to the nurse that we went to the same synagogue as the doctor.

But we're not Jewish.

Well, do you want a good doctor? You just want to sit here and kvetch.

You're not going to tell him my lies, are you?

Are you kidding?

Greg, you got us in to see the best pediatrician in L .A.

I don't care if you told him you're an astronaut and I'm your crack whore

mistress you met on the moon.

Well, I must admit I was a bit alarmed when I'd seen how many times Sammy saw

the doctor last year, but then I realized that 95 % of the time there was

nothing wrong with him.

I like to be careful.

And you should be. That's what insurance is for.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Hello.

Yeah.

Look, I told you, I don't care which picture you use on the back of the book.

Yeah. Yeah, I have them both right here.

They look the same to me.

Fine.

I'll choose.

Hang on.

Well, oh,

I like your expression in this one.

But there's a weird mud over your left eye.

It's Kim.

I'd go with this one.

Uh, yeah.

We're going to go with the one where you can't see the birthmark. Right.

Well, you know, I've got a waiting room full of sick kids, and you're obviously

nice people, and we belong to the same synagogue.

So, I'd be happy to have Sammy as a patient.

Oh, thank you so much. No problem. Just fill out the rest of the forms and turn

them into the desk.

Oh, my God, we're in. I know. No thanks to you. How could you not see? The guy

had that hideous birthmark.

I'm still right here. Oh, sorry.

Does Logan take sauce on his pasta?

I don't know. Ask him.

He only knows five words, unless two of them are sauce and pasta. I was hoping

his father might know.

Sorry, I don't know.

Fine. I'll put it on the side.

Why should you know? He's just your son.

You ever notice that when the women go out and leave us home alone with the

boys, you kind of become the wife?

What? You know, you cook, you clean, you snap at me.

Look, just because I make lunch around here doesn't mean I'm the wife. It just

means you're too lazy to do anything. And if it wasn't for me, these kids

be starving. They'd get your feet off the table and eat the lunch I make.

Geez, I didn't say you weren't a good wife.

You hear that? What?

I don't know. Listen.

I don't hear anything.

Shh. I'm talking over it.

I think you're going crazy. You just did it again. Will you shut up?

It's like a whistling sound.

It's coming from over there.

Dude, your kid's whistling.

Oh, my God,

there's something stuck up in his nose.

Let me see.

Oh, yeah, that's that piece of uncooked pasta we were playing with.

Yeah, he's got that thing shoved up there good.

Jimmy, how could you let this happen? I mean, you were supposed to be watching

the kids while I made lunch. I swear I can't turn my back for two seconds

here. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but you knew what kind of guy I was when we got married. Oh, shut up.

That's not funny.

I mean, if it was macaroni, it would be no big deal. I mean, there's an air hole

in macaroni, but this is fusilli. There's no air hole. Why did I have to

fancy and make fusilli?

Relax. It's no big deal. I'll get it out. You got some needle -nose pliers?

No, you are not taking it out.

Hey, come on. I'm good at this kind of stuff.

Remember that game Operation?

I could take out that guy's funny bone with my eyes closed.

No, no.

We're going to go to the doctor. The doctor?

Yeah, yeah, the doctor.

Okay, now grab the kid. I'm going to need you to drive while I keep an eye on

the pasta.

You're saying it briefly, you mouth.

Pretty cool, huh, Dominic?

And I used to love marine life so much, even thought of becoming an

oceanographer.

Even took a class once.

Now look at that one. Isn't that beautiful?

What kind of fish is that?

Uh, that's a little yellow fish.

Here, take Sammy. I'm going to deal with this right now.

I'm just here to remind you that we're still waiting. It's been almost a half

hour. I'm sorry, sir, but if you don't have an appointment, you have to wait

an opening.

How am I supposed to make an appointment for my son shoving pasta up his nose?

What am I, psychic? You're probably right.

You know, I don't know for sure, but tomorrow my son might swallow a nickel,

why don't you pencil us in for 2 .30 just in case?

Okay. Just so you know, there is a 24 -hour cancellation policy, or you will

billed for the visit.

Erase it.

Are you sure?

Because I'd hate for you to have to come in and wait.

Erase it.

Oh, Dr. Bernstein. Yes?

Sammy's got pasta stuck up his nose. Who's Sammy? My son.

Who are you? Greg Warner. Me and my wife met you last week. Our son is your new

patient. I'm sorry. I have a lot of patients.

Yeah, I can see that.

I was just wondering, maybe you'd do me a favor and go over and look at Sammy.

Of course. Just wait until your name is called. Oh, come on. It'll take a couple

of minutes.

Well, he doesn't seem to be in any distress, but if you feel that this is

emergency, perhaps you should go to the emergency room.

Oh, I see. You're trying to pawn us off, huh? Case of noodle up the nose. Too

dull for your new book? Not sexy enough for you?

Excuse me? No, I should have known this was going to happen.

You, Mr.

Fancy Beverly Hills doctor with your million patients and your fancy fish

and God forbid somebody would ask you to take a couple minutes out of your busy

schedule to look at a child who's in distress.

I mean, we don't know how far that pasta could have got up there. Suppose that

pasta would have gotten to his brain, huh? Got it. What?

I got it. Yeah, it's a good thing it was a fusilli. I just grabbed a hold of it,

screwed it right out.

I told you not to touch it. I wanted a doctor to take it out.

I could screw it back in if you'd like.

Well, you see, Mr. Warner, it wasn't really an emergency. After all, I was

right. Yeah, well, I guess we're both lucky. But next time, I would like to

think that I wouldn't be kept waiting this long.

That's up to your new doctor.

What's that? You're right. I have too many patients. Find yourself another

doctor. Well, fine.

Fine. Fine. Jimmy, grab the kids.

Okay? Because we don't need you.

We don't need to be treated like this, okay?

He thinks he's king around here and we're just going to do whatever he says.

Well, not me. I have a little bit too much self -respect to be treated like

this. When the doctor gets back, tell him to kiss my ass.

I'm going to need my parking validated.

Let's beat it. What?

They said they'd watch the kids all morning if we promised to be home by one

'clock. It's one.

They're not here. We lived up to our end of the bargain.

Let's go.

Christine, that doesn't sound fair.

Well, Kim, do you want fair or do you want margaritas at Chi Chi's?

You're right. Let's get out of here.

Mommy!

Son of a... Hi, kids!

Quite the fun adventure.

Yeah, we did. We had a lot of fun. A fun adventure. We went out and had some

fun. I saw fish.

Where'd he see fish?

Oh, where didn't he see a fish? The pet store, the pond at the park. 75 % of the

world is water. Honey, that's a lot of fish.

Okay. You guys went to a pet store?

Greg's lying to Kim. Normally I'd go along with it, but I got nothing to gain

here.

Tell you what, Jimmy, why don't we take the boys?

Okay.

And we can go out back and you can tell me all about your day.

Wow, your hair looks nice today.

Thank you.

You know, honey, I've been thinking about this. I don't like that doctor.

What?

Sammy's new doctor, he's not for us.

Joking, right?

No, I'm serious. That Dr. Bernstein seems a little stuck up for me.

Stuck up? What is it, junior high?

Look, I just don't feel comfortable around him. Fine, you don't have to go.

take Sammy.

He's the best doctor in the city. I'm not giving up our spot.

Kim, I think I know him a little better than you do. I was over there today.

Why? What happened?

Well, we had a little emergency.

Oh, my God. What happened? Well, don't freak out. Everything's okay now, but

Sammy had a noodle stuck up his nose.

And you took him to the doctor? Greg, he gets stuff stuck in his nose all the

time. Why didn't you just pull it out? Because I don't perform medical

procedures in the home. Geez, why don't you and Jimmy move to the Ozarks and

open up a practice?

I just hope that Dr. Bernstein doesn't think that we're crazy.

I don't need him looking at me weird next time I come in.

Well, you don't have to worry about that. We're not allowed back.

What?

My God, you're beautiful.

What did you do?

Kim, they made us wait a really long time, and we had a bit of an argument.

Go back and apologize.

No, I was right. Go back and apologize. Kim, you're not even listening to me. I

mean, he was neglecting our son. I stood up for his rights. You'd have been

proud of me. I am proud of you. Now go back and apologize.

Well, this doesn't seem fair.

You weren't even there. You didn't even see what happened.

Jimmy, was that doctor a jerk or what?

Yeah, he was a jerk.

Now go back and apologize.

No.

Look, you got a child now. You better get used to this.

Used to what?

Swallowing your pride for the sake of your kid.

Look, now that you've got Sammy, you've got to stop thinking about yourself all

the time. Isn't this guy supposed to be a great doctor?

I don't know.

Isn't that the only thing that matters?

Yeah, I guess you're right. All right, trust me. This stuff is going to come up

a lot.

Say Sammy's playing t -ball and you think his coach knows nothing.

You should just let it go.

The last thing you want to do is run out on the field, start calling them names,

grab the bat out of his hand, and then end up wrestling around in the dugout

because you don't want your son to see that.

You beat up Dominic's coach?

No, Christine did.

Hi. I'm here to see Dr. Bernstein.

Oh, it's you.

I'm guessing you don't have an appointment.

No, I don't. But would you please tell Dr.

Pernstein that I've come back to apologize for how foolishly I acted the

day, and I'd be happy to wait as long as it takes.

I'll let him know. Thanks.

Excuse me.

We've been waiting over an hour. Is the doctor ever going to see us? Sir, he

didn't have an appointment, and it's not an emergency.

Not an emergency? My son has his hands stuck in a VCR.

Have a seat.

Don't plug it in.

This place is ridiculous.

Ridiculous!

Hey, listen, I've been there.

Just try to relax and wait your turn, you know?

Hey, look, pal, I don't need your advice right now.

What I need is a doctor!

Look, I understand that you think you don't need my advice, but, uh, you know,

trust me, you better cool off a little bit.

Don't tell me what to do.

My son can't get his hand out of that VCR.

But nothing's really going to happen. Now calm down before you do something

you're going to regret.

Are you threatening me?

What? Hey, calm down, would you?

Stop it!

He started it.

How'd it go?

Well, I beat up a short man in front of his 10 -year -old son.

So, not good?

No. Great.

Sammy has a fever.

Where is he? How high is it? It's not even 101.

He's sleeping. He'll be fine.

Maybe we should call a doctor.

Yes, if we had one.

Hey, maybe we should call that young doctor.

Greg, we snuck out of his office.

Besides, it's Friday night. He's probably at a rave or something.

Well, should we at least call him?

Greg, I've been through this with the old doctor. You can never get in touch

with anyone on the weekend. What's the point?

The point is, this is all because of me. Please, just call him. I'd feel better.

Fine. But I know I'm just going to get an answering service.

And then sometime later in the weekend, a nurse will call me back telling me to

give Sammy some ibuprofen and a cool bath.

And if he's not feeling better by Monday, we should just... Hello?

Hello?

Dr. Traber?

Yeah. Wow, I was expecting your answering service.

Kim! Hello?

Yes, this is Kim Warner. My husband and I came to see you a few weeks ago.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, what happened to you guys?

We had to leave.

My husband had a little problem.

You can't just tell him I had a problem.

It could be anything. He's going to think I'm crazy.

Sorry about that.

a digestive problem. Thank you.

Well, how's Sammy?

Oh, actually, he has a little bit of a fever. He remembers Sammy's name.

You know, there's a bug going around. Three of the kids I saw today had it.

He has other patients.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay. Bye.

He's coming over.

Why?

What's going on?

Sammy has a little fever, so that young doctor's coming over to take a look at

him.

A house call on a Friday night?

What kind of desperate loser doctor is this?

Can you believe we were once that judgmental? I know.

When you think about it, what kind of doctor... Shut up!