Original subtitles

Man, I feel old.

We weren't up in the MTV for 20 minutes. I haven't recognized one person.

When did they let Martha Quinn go? She was cute.

Yeah, listen, I'm definitely coming.

So put me down for all three days.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Where are you going for three days?

Oh, golf weekend.

For charity.

Like the one I went to last year.

I mean, I really don't want to go, but what are you going to do? It's for the

kids.

I thought it was for Alzheimer's.

Well, yeah, but I kind of want to nip that thing in the bud early.

I try and teach him to prepare, but he still thinks he can wing it.

So you're just going to go off by yourself on a three -day vacation?

Oh, honey, don't worry. I'll make it up to you. I'll put together a list of

chores to do when I get back.

Oh, a list of chores. Yeah, you know, paint the fence, fix the gutters.

Trim the trees in the backyard.

Sort of like the list you gave me last year before you went to play golf. Yeah.

The list of stuff you never did. Kim, I did that stuff.

Paint the fence, fix the gutters, trim the trees in the backyard.

Fine, fine.

I'll do all these things and a bunch of other chores, too. Like what?

Like clean these drawers out. There's too many old pieces of paper in there.

Fine. Make up a list. But this time, you join me at work before you go.

Ooh, she's good.

You teach him, I teach her.

I've got to give you this.

Oh.

Oh, it's from your school.

Is it something good?

I know that, Ron.

What did he do?

Dominic's kindergarten teacher wants to have a parent -teacher conference with

us. Apparently he's been acting up. Man, I don't want to go meet his teacher. I

can never understand her.

You know, she's from another country. She speaks that weird language.

Jimmy, she's from England. She speaks English.

What?

See?

I wonder what Dominic did wrong.

Hey, who says he did anything wrong?

Maybe the teacher's the one who's wrong. Or maybe she just got it out for him.

You ever think of that?

Sorry. I wonder what Dominic was unfairly accused of by those scheming

that teach kindergarten these days.

All I'm saying is that until somebody really proves something to me, I'm going

to stick up for my son.

Unlike my parents.

Teachers used to call them in all the time, and they never believed I was

innocent.

That's because you never were.

Once or twice I was.

You know, like the time that they said Jimmy and I were smoking pot up on the

gym? Those were closed cigarettes.

Yeah, the only reason we were giggly is because we were drunk.

Shut up!

Look, all I'm saying is that I just...

I don't want Dominic to be labeled as a troublemaker. When a teacher accuses you

of something, and whether you did it or not, you're labeled. Just like me and

Jimmy. It's true. I was labeled.

Yeah. Teachers talk to each other. And then the next thing you know, you're

labeled as the bad kid, or the cheater, or the girl who sleeps with losers and

morons.

What were you labeled as?

I was the loser.

You should have seen the moron.

Mrs. Joseph?

Well, she's not here. Let's just go.

No. Well, great.

What's the matter with you?

I've seen you in a fighting mood, Christine.

You end up rolling around on the ground with your arms around some woman's

throat.

Though I have to admit, it gets me hot this isn't the place.

I'm not going to get into a fight, okay? I'm here to stand up for our son.

And by the way, we need to show a united front. I don't need you wussing out on

me. I'm with you.

Just, you know, some chocolates.

For who?

Teacher. Jimmy!

Look, it doesn't hurt to be nice, you know, at least until we find out why

here. I mean, Dominic might have done something wrong.

I mean, he is our kid, Christine.

How far can the apple fall from the tree before he finally picks it up and

checks it through a window?

Fine. I'll be civil.

Mr. and Mrs. Hughes, hi.

It's so nice of you to pop in.

Sorry, I'm a bit behind schedule.

Would you like a ginger snap? We had some left over from break time.

What the hell did she just say? I don't know.

Oh,

thank you, Mrs. Joseph. I brought you some chocolates.

How sweet.

Thank you.

That's a cool monkey sweater.

It's a lemur.

Of course it is. I knew that.

I learned that from a teacher. Well, you should.

Okay.

Well, first, let me just say that Dominic is a super kid, and I just love

Yeah, but I'm guessing that's not why you had us come down here today.

Christine? No, I'm afraid it isn't. Uh, did he hit a kid? Because if someone's

looking so sweet, got nothing.

Oh, actually, Dominic pulled his pants down and exposed himself in front of the

class.

Was it his back self or his front self?

His back self.

Well, that shows some restraint.

Yesterday, during a game of Duck, Duck, Goose, when Molly came around to

Dominic, well... Molly Goose a little more than she bargained for?

I was hoping we could... could treat this situation a tad more seriously.

Oh, look, Mrs. Joseph. So, you know, he moaned a few kids in class. I mean, I'm

sorry for little Molly, but I hate to think we're going to blow this whole

out of proportion.

Well, normally I wouldn't say anything, but he's done it a couple of times now,

and we just felt, as a precaution, we should all meet with the school

Oh, there it is. Okay, Christine. I knew it.

I knew it. A kid does one little thing wrong, and he gets labeled as crazy and

has to go see a psychiatrist.

It's the counselor.

Yeah, well, we're not going, okay? We'll handle this on our own. Yeah, just

looks like I'm going to have to get out the belt.

Oh, I really don't think hitting is the answer.

Hit him?

No, I'm going to put a belt on him, you know, tie it on real good.

Look, I appreciate you wanting to handle this on your own, but it's school

policy that when... If something like this happens more than once, the child

meet with a counselor.

Well, it's our policy that he doesn't, and we made him, so I think we're about

done here. Jimmy?

Listen, I hate to be like this, but if you refuse to allow Dominic to meet with

the counselor, he may not be allowed to stay in the class.

You know what? I don't care if he stays in the class. Mrs. Hughes, try to

understand. I have a responsibility to all of my students. Well, I only have a

responsibility to one.

And if you insist on making him see a counselor, then he's not coming here

anymore. He has to go to school.

There's some kind of law about that, isn't there?

Yeah, but he doesn't have to go to this school. He can go to private school.

Private school?

Did you strike oil shooting at some food this morning?

Well, fine. Forget private school.

I'll teach him myself. I bet I can do a lot better than you guys anyway. What?

Yeah. From now on, we're going to teach Dominic at home.

A lot of parents homeschool their children.

But we're never any good at school. We'll be fine.

But we don't even have a home.

Actually, he's on the roof cleaning the gutters.

Yeah,

okay, I'll have him call you back.

Stupid gutters.

Hey, how's it going out there? Good.

was up there decided to test the gravity.

Turns out it's perfect.

Hey, how was the meeting with the teacher?

Dominic dropped Trow and now we have to homeschool him.

Christine, what happened?

I stood up for my son.

And they kicked him out of school?

No, no, I pulled him out. But it's for the best. I mean, this way he can get

kind of individual attention he deserves.

Plus, he doesn't have to worry about having bad teachers because me and Jimmy

will teach him.

Jimmy and I.

What?

Nothing.

You, um, already bought all the supplies?

Oh, yeah, there's this great store over by the mall where you can buy everything

you need to homeschool your child.

But I thought homeschooling was just for kids in heavily armed cults.

Or, you know, Texas.

Actually, it's really catching on. I mean, they give you a lesson plan, they

supply you with all the standardized tests, and they tell you exactly what to

do.

Christine, this sounds great for Dominic, but, I mean, teaching's not

you sure this is something you want to do?

What does that mean?

Nothing. It's just that you have a habit of leaving before you look, and I don't

want you to bite off more than you can chew.

Yeah, well, you have a habit of using too many clichés.

You know what? I have been dealing with this my whole life. I am so sick of

people thinking that I can't do something before I even try.

I mean, you don't... No, maybe I'll be a great teacher. Maybe you will. I'm just

saying that this is a big challenge, and it isn't for everybody.

Oh, I know that speech. It isn't for everybody.

Yeah, that's the Christine Can't Do It speech. It's the same speech you gave me

when I wanted to enter that playwriting contest.

Christine, that was for African -American playwrights.

It wasn't for everybody.

Okay,

Dominic.

Six minus one.

Okay, you have six minus one.

What do you have?

Six minus one.

Okay, here's a hint.

How old are you?

Five and a half.

Okay, try this.

Look, I have six fingers, right, and I take one away.

How many fingers do I have?

Ten.

Sweetie, could you just try and concentrate, all right? We're falling

schedule here, and nap time went a lot longer than I thought it would. Are you

still sleepy?

A little.

Hey, look at this place. Looks like there's a lot of teaching going on here.

Yeah. Listen, could you take over for me for a minute? I want to go look at some

of those teaching materials. I must be doing something wrong here. No problem.

All right, Dominic, you know what? One day your mom and I want you to go to a

really good college, and there's two ways to get you there.

Stand up.

Looks like we're going to have to do it the hard way.

Damn

squirrels.

Are you okay?

No, I just fell out of a tree.

God.

So how's the teaching going?

Not so good.

Well, relax. It's your first week.

I can't relax.

I mean, if my son doesn't get a good education, who's going to support me

I'm old?

I'm guessing me.

She said we're behind on almost everything, and I don't know whether

fault or my fault.

Well, don't be so hard on yourself. I mean, Jimmy is his father.

But I guess that is your fault, too.

That's from the genius who just fell out of the tree.

Oh, come on.

I'm just kidding.

I've heard you're teaching Dominic.

Sounds like you're doing a great job.

Well, I thought I was, but he doesn't seem to be learning anything, and I've

been doing everything exactly the way it says in the book. Yeah, but that

doesn't sound like you. You're not a buy -the -book kind of mom.

You're not even a read -the -book kind of mom.

Thanks a lot. No, no, no. I'm just saying that you have a different style

parenting than most people. I would think that you would have a different

of teaching.

You know?

It's like when you potty -trained Dominic.

He painted that bullseye in the bottom of my toilet. He loved that.

Actually, that was for Jimmy, but that's where you're going.

Hey, thanks for trimming back those branches on the tree. No problem.

Look, I was just cleaning out the garage, and you never guessed what I

What's this?

Oh, just a little list we made in college.

Remember when we decided to write down our New Year's resolutions?

Why don't you read me number five off your list?

Be more crazy. Have sex in the library.

What was I thinking?

Well, the thing is, Kim, if you expect me to finish my list, it seems only fair

that you would finish yours.

Yeah, right. Well, just leave Sammy in the children's section and then head

to nonfiction and tear it up.

Yeah. That's what I thought. Well, if you're not going to do your list, I'm

going to do mine. I think I'm going to go make a little snack.

Fine, I'll do it.

What's that?

I'll do it.

If that's what it takes to get my thumbs painted, then... I'm not kidding about

this, Ken. No, neither am I.

Just let me get my library card, because I also want to pick up the new John

Grisham.

I don't want to.

What? I don't want to have sex in the library. It's cold. People will be

watching us. I just didn't want to do all those stupid chores.

Yep, that's what I thought.

Hey, guys, come check this out. You've never seen anything so cool.

Jimmy, we've already seen you suck the olive through your nose. It's not cool.

It's disgusting.

First off, it is cool, and that's not what I'm talking about.

Look what we learned today.

Wow, Dominic taught Christine how to bake.

Now, we made it together. And, Dominic, how many eggs did we use to make it?

Three. And how many were in the carton to start with?

Five. So how many are left?

Two. Hey!

Save it for the end.

And, uh, how do you spell cake?

P -A -K -E.

And how many calories are in it?

Zero!

That one's just for me.

Hey, good job, Dominic. All right, well, we've already finished everything on

the lesson plan for today, so you can go to the living room and watch TV.

Cool.

Wow, Christine, good for you. Yeah, you're really doing a good job with him.

That's no big deal.

No big deal?

He also made the Mayflower out of popsicle sticks.

Pretty impressive.

Yeah, almost as impressive as you eating 75 fudgesicles in one night.

Gotta support the arts.

You know, Christine, I've got to admit, you're really pulling this off. Yeah, no

kidding. I really thought this homeschooling stuff was going to be a

but you've made it really fun, and I am proud of you, honey.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

Well, mushy, mushy. Save it for my funeral.

But thank you.

It means a lot to me.

I thought you were going to watch TV.

I don't feel like it.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Come on, you can tell me.

I want to go back to my school.

What? I want to go back to school.

Hey, what is the TV on?

Does he feel okay?

He's fine. He just wants to go back to school.

Why? Aren't you having fun with Mommy?

Well, then what is it?

I miss my friends.

Well, of course you can go back to school. It's no problem at all. We'll go

tomorrow. You're not mad, are you?

No, of course not. I love you.

Want a piece of cake? No calories.

Yeah,

make it a big piece.

Me too.

But have Aunt Kim cut it for you.

Because if you got ten fingers and you cut one off, you know what you got?

Piece of cake daddy can't eat.

You okay?

I can't believe I didn't see this coming. I'm such an idiot.

Christine, if there's anyone who should blame themselves here, it's me. This

whole thing has been my fault.

How is it your fault?

I have no idea. I'm just trying to make you feel better.

You know, I never thought about what Dominic wanted.

He doesn't want to stay at home with his mom all day. He wants to be with his

friends. I made this whole thing all about me.

Yeah, but honey, that's not your fault.

Well, whose fault is it?

Again, I'm just trying to make you feel better.

I screwed up, okay?

And now I have to take Dominic back to that school and bow down in front of him

at Ginger's nap.

Oh, come on.

It won't be that bad.

You know, there's a very good chance that, you know, she might apologize to

and say the whole thing is her fault.

Why would she do that?

You know, you are a very hard person to cheer up.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Hughes. Good morning, Dominic.

Mrs. Hughes?

Mrs. Joseph?

I, uh... Here, I got you these.

Oh.

Oh, another box of chocolate.

And it's almost full.

Jimmy. I got hungry when you were pumping the gas.

Mrs.

Joseph, we were just wondering if Dominic could come back to class.

Well, of course he can.

Because he missed his friends, not because he's behind. Because, in fact, I

think he's ahead. That's right.

But before we readmit him, we're still going to have to meet with the council.

Oh, of course, of course, whatever it takes.

But just so you know, I don't think he's going to be giving you any more

problems. I mean, I've been with him all week. He's been a perfect gentleman.

Why did you do that?

To make their face laugh.

Well, it's not funny.

Dominic, where on earth did you learn that that kind of behavior was funny?

We probably picked it up from one of the other kids in class.

Is that true, Dominic? Who did you see doing this?

I

did it

once at that barbecue.

It made my friends laugh.

I am really sorry about all of this, but please don't punish Dominic because his

father's an idiot.

Hey! What?

Hey!

I assume when your husband does this sort of thing, you do explain to Dominic

that it's inappropriate, right?

No, she laughed at me. Yeah, she laughed.

Who's the idiot now, huh?

Who's the idiot now?

I'm going to call it a tie.

Hi, I'm Joel Holman. I played young Don Mc on TV this year. Tonight we had a lot

of fun with the subject of mooning. But this is a TV show, so for all you kids

at home, keep your tushy in your pants.

And TV on yesterday.

Good night, Amanda.