Original subtitles

Oh, shoot.

Kim's going to kill me. All right, relax.

Use your resources, man. There's three people in this room, and one of us has a

cute face and can't talk.

I'm not going to blame it on my kid.

You don't have to, man. You just need to plant a little evidence.

Let her draw her own conclusion.

Jimmy, I don't think it's fair to be blaming Sammy for something he didn't

Here she comes. Greg, have you seen my calendar?

What happened to the couch?

What? Oh, ooh.

Oh.

You messy little munchkin.

Let's get you cleaned up.

When did you think of this? One night I spilled a can of SpaghettiOs in bed.

Doesn't work forever, though. Once they can say the words, Daddy did it, they're

useless to you.

Hey, honey, where you been?

I was out taking the food for a walk.

To the grocery store, Sherlock.

What did you get? I'm starving. Oh, Jimmy, stay out of there, okay? I got

something for Ken. Just let me through the window.

Individual cream -filled golden cakes?

Christine, I may not be able to afford to send our kids to college, but for

God's sakes, I can damn sure buy them real Twinkies.

Get out of there.

Oh, whoa.

This must be yours.

Jimmy, I told you in my pregnancy test.

A what?

Thanks a lot, Jimmy. That's mine.

Wait a minute, Christine, are you serious? You might be... Oh, my gosh, I

even know you guys were trying to get pregnant.

Because you're not.

So... Somebody else start talking, please.

I thought you were on the pill.

Well, I am, but what are you going to do? The pill's only 99 % effective.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mr. 1%. Figures you finally make the top

in something, and this is it.

Congratulations. Oh, hey, wouldn't want to get you pregnant.

All right, everybody just relax, okay? It's not for sure yet. I've been waking

up nauseous every morning.

But then again, look at my life.

Three kids.

Drummer, bassist, guitar player.

Band's starting to come together.

Oh, Christine, wouldn't it be cool if this were a girl?

Oh, that would be cool. But, you know, for now, if I am pregnant, I just hope

it's healthy.

And Jimmy's.

What are you waiting for? Go, go, go, go. Take the test. I can't wait to find

out if there's going to be another little baby living for free in our guest

house. What are they doing? I swear to God, it's like a rabbit hutch back

Is it done yet? Not yet.

You, me, and a pregnancy test kind of brings back memories, doesn't it?

I know. I can almost hear my parents upstairs in the living room watching

Matlock.

Oh, it's done.

One line.

One line. One line.

What does one line mean? I don't know. Where's the box?

Okay,

one line, one line, one line.

The other side.

One line.

I'm not pregnant.

You're not pregnant.

Oh, thank God.

You're happy?

Yeah, I'm happy. Oh, thank God.

I'm going to get a couple beers. Give me a couple, too.

You know, I would have been happy with, you know, whatever you wanted, but I am

so happy we are not having another kid.

Having two is hard enough, you know? Yeah, I know.

I mean, the boys are a lot of responsibility.

Dominic and Logan can't take care of themselves.

Where are they, anyway?

They're around here somewhere.

Should we go tell Kim and Greg the good news?

Now, let Greg sweat it out a little more.

Who the hell are they?

Listen, if they are pregnant, could you at least try to be a little happy for

them? I just think they could have been a little more careful. Now there's going

to be almost twice as many of them as there are us. We're losing, Kim.

It's not a competition, Greg. Yeah, yeah, you say that now, but wait till

there's 15 of us living here fighting over a chicken.

So? He shoots, he doesn't score.

Nice, nice.

Ted came up negative.

Are you okay about it? Oh, please, I'm thrilled.

I know someone else who thoroughly doesn't have to support another kid.

Oh, come on. I wasn't even thinking about that.

I was talking about Jimmy.

Oh, yeah.

Well, Jimmy, you heard her. The next one's on you.

Don't worry. I'm not having any more kids.

I've got two beautiful sons, and that is enough responsibility for me.

Huh. They're not in here either.

Where's my son? I'm not sure.

They're in the living room playing with Sam. Oh, thanks. Hey, you kids be

careful in there.

Can you imagine how much work it would be with three?

I know.

That was a close call. From now on, we should be extra careful about birth

control. How much more careful can we be? You're already on the pill.

Well, since you guys don't want to have any more kids, maybe Jimmy should get a

vasectomy. Okay, that's not even cool.

I never thought of that. I guess it wouldn't hurt to look into it. No

There will be no looking. Everyone turn away from the vasectomy, okay? We'll do

something else. What do you guys use for birth control?

What are we, just one big married couple now? Have we become a commune? None of

your business.

Jimmy, you're the one who said you didn't want to have any more kids. A

vasectomy would take care of that.

I'm a man.

No one should take away a man's seed.

Nope. But somebody can take away the sandwich.

Come on, Jimmy. It's just a simple medical procedure.

Did I offend you in any way?

Well, we have to do something.

Then why don't you get your tubes tied?

They still do that, right?

That is a major surgery.

Oh, and a vasectomy is it?

It's got an ectomy at the end of it, okay? That means forever.

You know, appendectomy, tonsillectomy.

Those are all permanent. I mean, tubes tied, what is that? You know, they go

they make a little bow, you don't like it, you want to tie it.

You're an idiot, okay? A vasectomy is totally reversible.

Besides, my body has done enough for this family already.

Actually, a vasectomy is the better way to go. Lady, what is your problem?

We have to do something, okay? We're running out of options.

Unless we just stop having sex.

Listen,

go ahead and laugh, but if that's the only other option, that is fine by me.

Oh.

Okay, then. That's fine by me, too. Fine, then. It's settled, then. No more

I guess so.

Did you hear that? We can sleep with the windows open again.

So, uh, think about sex?

No.

How about now?

No.

Now? Jimmy.

Now? Yes, I'm thinking about it, okay?

Ever since you said we weren't going to do it anymore, it's all I've been

thinking about.

You thinking about it?

I've been thinking about it since the seventh grade.

So what do you want to do?

Maybe we could just kiss a little?

I don't think it's ever been that good.

I don't think it's supposed to be that good.

Is that me?

Yeah.

Are you crying?

little. We should say we're never going to have sex all the time.

You know what? I want to do it.

All right, but I got to get a glass of juice first.

I'm talking about the vasectomy.

I'm going to do it.

What?

I decided to get it done.

Honey, you don't have to if you don't want to. I totally understand. No, no,

You know, if we want to keep doing this, which I'm pretty sure we want to do.

I should get it done.

Are you sure? Yeah, absolutely.

It makes the most sense.

I love you, Jimmy. I love you, too.

You still thinking about it?

Hey, Jimmy. Tim told me you

agreed to get the big snip.

Can we please not call it that?

I can't believe I agreed to this.

Then why did you?

We were in bed.

Haven't you ever greeted something stupid right after sex?

You're living here, aren't you?

Just relax.

Come on, you're doing the right thing. Yeah, that's easy for you to say. You

don't have to flip through an insurance book full of 50 guys just dying and

sticking their thumbs and pull out your plums.

These insurance forms are a nightmare.

It's like taking a really hard test and if you get everything right, instead of

getting an A, they stab you in the genitals.

Look, I understand why you're afraid.

No, you don't.

I don't go to doctors.

What do you mean you don't go to doctors? Ever?

No.

Wait a minute. What about that mole you had removed last year?

Actually, I removed that myself with an exacto knife and a whole lot of solar

cane.

Oh, my God.

That doesn't scare you, but going to a doctor does?

Yeah, at least with the exacto knife, I'm in control.

Have you talked to Christine about all this?

No, I never told her this. Why not? She's your wife.

Greg, 15 years ago, Christine fell in love with a guy who had a cherry red

Camaro, a full head of hair, and who was fearless.

Okay? I wrapped the Camaro around a tree.

I'm starting to lose my hair. No.

Pretending to be fearless, that's all I got left. Look, Jimmy, I know how you

feel. I do. I was terrified when I got my laser eye surgery. But I went into

doctor, he explained the procedure, and all of a sudden it didn't seem so bad.

Why don't you at least go talk to him? No, Greg, I told you, I can't.

Go to doctors, even to talk. It, like, freaks me out.

Come on, I'll go with you. We can get through this together.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah.

Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it. Yeah, no problem.

How long you have that mole there? Get off me.

Why don't you just sit down and relax?

I'm not sitting on that paper feeling like butcher meat.

Hello. Hi.

So, Mr.

Hughes. I hear you're thinking about a vasectomy.

Actually, I'm thinking about why a urologist has a Q -tip this big.

Excuse my friend. He's just a little nervous. He's been pacing around the

all day.

Oh, you two live together?

Yeah, about six months now.

Has it been that long?

You guys do know gay men can't get pregnant, right?

I'm not a cop. I'm his brother -in -law. I have a wife who can get pregnant and

has. That's why we're here. We need to stop that.

Well, you've come to the right place.

I told him there's nothing to be nervous about. You guys do these procedures all

the time. They're routine, right? Yeah, it's a piece of cake.

See, I told you. He thinks it's going to hurt.

Well, there will be some discomfort.

And by discomfort, you mean?

Pain. Goodbye.

Jimmy, Jimmy, we are just here to talk.

Can you please explain that with any medical procedure, there's going to be a

little pain, but I bet it's no worse than getting a tooth pulled. That's

Assuming, of course, the tooth is in your scrotum.

I can't do this. Wait.

Could you please explain the procedure to my friend here so he knows exactly

what's going to happen? And I think you should hear this, because no matter what

you're imagining, I'm sure it's ten times worse than what's actually going

happen. What I do is make... Two one -inch incisions underneath each of your

testicles. I'll cut and tie off both ends of the vase, deference tube, and

sew you back up. Good thing is, you'll be awake for the whole thing.

Okay.

Aside from a few days of bruising and all the swelling, you'll be fine.

And, oh, you'll want to bring your own jockstrap. After the operation, we pack

it with gauze to clot the bleeding and keep everything from falling out.

Oh, thanks for clearing that up, Dr. Jimmy. Let's get the hell out of here.

right behind you.

Look at this mess.

All from three kids.

How do people with big families do it?

Well, a lot of them have help.

Maids, nannies. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, call me old -fashioned, but

I don't want someone else taking care of my kids.

Hey, when you're done feeding them, could you toss them in the tub? Thanks.

Hey.

After the doctor gave me the full rundown, he examined me, you know, kind

pre -surgery thing. And it turns out, well, it turns out I got hapeculosis.

Hapeculosis? Yeah, apparently it's pretty common among the Irish.

What it is, it's an elongated hapecula.

And, you know, the bottom line is a vasectomy is out of the question.

Which sucks.

Man.

Sucks.

What is it you have again?

It's an elongated... Hormoncula.

Pericula.

Do you think I'm as stupid as you are? I'm hoping.

What's going on?

I'm scared, okay?

Look, if this is about that manhood stuff, you're still going to be the same

man. It's not going to change who you are. That's not what I'm afraid of. I'm

just afraid.

Look, I've never told you this before, but I'm scared of doctors.

I haven't been one in 15 years.

What are you talking about? You went to the doctor last year. You had that mole

removed.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. How come you never told me about this?

I didn't want you to know you were married to a wimp.

Jimmy, nobody likes pain or doctors or operations.

You don't think I was scared the first time I gave birth? Oh, come on. You were

a rock.

Yeah, because you were there with me, keeping me calm, making me laugh.

Making sure I never ran out of those sweet, sweet drugs.

Anybody who heard you screaming would have made sure you got those drugs.

Yeah, but you did.

Because you're my best friend and you got me through it.

All right, will you go with me?

Yeah.

And I will sit right by your side and hold your hand, and I'm not going to

until that operation is over.

Well, you don't trust me at all, do you? No.

Honey, are you going to be all right? Yeah.

Oh, my God, I just thought of something. Los Angeles.

What if during the operation there's an earthquake and the guy's hand just goes

whoosh?

Goodbye, Ernie and Bert.

Timmy, that's not going to happen, okay? Listen, I want you to promise me one

thing.

If for some reason there's a slip -up and everything gets, you know,

promise me you'll kill me.

Jimmy, will you relax? Nothing is going to happen. Promise me you'll kill me.

Fine, I promise.

If you have no use to me anyway.

Okay, Mr. Hughes, let's get you prepped.

Well... We'll bring him back before the surgery. Okay.

Wish me luck.

I want you to know, whatever happens in there, I will always love you and tell

the boys I love them and tell them that their father was a brave man. Jimmy,

save it.

You're just going to put on a smock.

for helping me with my necklace, Christine.

Oh, you're welcome, Brooke. Here, let me see.

Ah, looks great.

Oh, I'll be right back.

Hey, how'd it go?

Do you know what prepping means?

Shaving.

You want to see? No.

My necklace is coming loose.

Oh, here. Let me fix it for you.

Uh, Brooke, this is my husband.

Hi, Brooke. I'm Jimmy. Hi.

Brooke's dad's having knee surgery, and her mom's been visiting, and so we were

just making a necklace.

Oh. Are you having a knee operation, too?

Actually, I'm having a vasectomy.

What's that?

It's a knee operation.

Here you go, Brooke.

Let's see.

All right.

You know, the boys are really going to like that.

Boys are disgusting.

Oh. She tried doing laundry for three of them.

Yeah, and they're always teasing me and my friends at school.

You know what? They used to do the same thing to me. You want to know how to get

back at them? Yeah.

Okay. You get all your girlfriends together at recess, and then you point

boy, whisper, and then giggle.

What do we whisper? Oh, it doesn't matter. It's going to drive them nuts.

Do you want to make another necklace for you?

Oh, you know what? I'd love to, but I have to go be with Jimmy right now.

Are you going to be okay here by yourself?

Yeah.

Thanks for playing with me.

Oh, hey, I had fun.

See ya.

See ya.

You ready?

I'm not doing this.

Jimmy, you can't chicken out now. Have some...

But seeing you with that girl made me realize something. I

know we can't afford it right now, but I want you to have a daughter someday.

A little Christine.

Really? Yeah.

A girl just like you.

You know, we can watch her grow up and buy her dolls and dress her up in pretty

clothes. Before you know it, she'll be...

Sneaking out of the house, dating losers, telling us she hates us and

herself in the bedroom.

Yeah, we don't even have her and I love her already.

I love you, Jimmy. I love you.

Thinking about it? Ever since they shaved me. Nice.

You know, I'm glad you didn't get that vasectomy 30 years ago.

Me too.

Good night, boys.

Good night.

Want to try for that daughter again?

Go for it, big guy.

Boys, look away.