Original subtitles

You know, it's nights like tonight that remind me how happy I am you guys moved

to L .A. Oh, thank you.

I hope you never move out of our guest house.

Oh, I think you've had enough wine, honey.

I'm serious. If you guys weren't here, we'd probably just put Sammy to bed and

then go to sleep ourselves.

Yeah, thanks, Jess. Instead of getting the rest you need, you can listen to the

story of how Jimmy almost lost an eye teasing a pigeon.

Learned a lesson that day.

It must have been around the time I met you. I remember you wearing that eye

patch. Actually, it was after that. When I met you, I was wearing an eye patch

so I could look like that dude on that soap opera. What was his name?

Patch. Oh, yeah.

Christine, you remember the first time you and I met? Oh, sure, yeah. I was

thinking about going to school, and I went up to see Kim to see if I had

college.

Who are you again?

I'm dating your sister.

Oh.

Nice to meet you. Yeah, you too.

Yeah, that was the last time I drank tequila and Tang.

Yeah, that was the last time I wore those shoes.

Ah, that was nothing compared to the first time Kim and I met, huh, Kim?

Shut up, Jimmy.

That was really something, wasn't it? Jimmy, no one wants to hear this.

Why, what happened? Nothing, it's stupid.

Wait a minute. I was there the first time you guys met. Nothing funny

Oh, you weren't there for all of it.

I'm Jimmy. I'm here to pick up Christine.

Oh, come on. That never happened.

Yes, it did.

Why?

I don't know. I had those crazy teenage hormones.

Look, who cares? It was a long time ago.

Well, how long ago was it?

Fourteen years.

But I could taste her grape bubblicious like it was yesterday.

I'm going to go brush my teeth.

That was a fun night, huh?

Hey, what the hell are you doing?

What was that for?

The hell are you doing kissing my sister?

It was in high school. I don't care when it was. We were dating.

I couldn't help it. She attacked me.

Well, did you push her away?

I couldn't. Look, she opened the door, took one look at me, and became crazy,

you know?

What's with the hair?

God, I miss that hair.

Well, did you kiss her back?

Well, it would have been rude not to. She's your sister.

I can't believe you cheated on me. Well, cheated? Hey, whoa, whoa, okay?

We'd only been out twice. We weren't even exclusive yet.

Oh, well, call me old -fashioned, but after I dated a guy once, I kind of

him to keep his tongue out of the rest of my family's mouths.

You're blowing this way out of proportion.

Oh, am I? Yeah. Yeah? What would you do if you found out that I made out with

your brother 14 years ago, huh?

Well, 14 years ago, my brother was in the first grade. So I guess in the

I'd make sure that you don't work around any small children.

What are you doing?

Sleeping in the living room.

Are you kidding me? Well, I'm not sleeping in here with your sister

hillbilly ass.

Okay, fine. Why don't you go try sleep on an uncomfortable couch? If you're

looking for me, I'll be right here on this bed, stretched out, sleeping, guilt

-free, like a baby.

I believe that's for you.

So, like, when it's just you and Jimmy alone in the house, you ever feel the

need to rekindle the old magic?

You know, put on a little purple rain and indulge in a little light petting?

Shut up. I feel stupid enough already, okay?

Come on, I'm just giving you a hard time. I think it's funny.

Funny, huh?

Yeah. What, it really doesn't bother you that I kissed him?

No. Not at all?

What, am I supposed to get mad? I didn't even know you then.

I mean, besides, when we met, I kind of figured you'd kissed other guys before.

Wow.

Yeah, of course I had.

God knows I've kissed my share of girls.

Good night, honey.

What's that supposed to mean?

That I hope you have a good night.

Your share of girls. What, do you want me to think it's like some huge number

something?

No, I was just saying I've kissed my share of girls, that's all. I really

mean anything by it.

Oh. Okay.

Because you should know that before I met you, I'd certainly kissed my share

boys.

Ah, good for you, honey.

Seven.

I kissed seven boys.

That's it?

That's a lot.

Why? How many girls have you kissed?

I don't know.

Oh, what do you mean you don't know? You have to know. No, no, I'm not sure.

How can you say you're... Oh, okay, I see.

Your number's lower than mine, isn't it?

If I say yes, can I go to sleep?

You're not going to sleep until you tell me your number.

Kim, I told you, I don't know.

Well, then guess. You have to be able to guess.

Well, like, what kind of kisses?

Real kisses, on the lips. And none of those go -kiss -your -grandma -don't

-anything -about -her -mustache kisses.

So, like, make -out kisses? Yes.

About 50.

Come on, be serious.

I am being serious.

Oh, Greg, you did not kiss 50 women. Yes, I did.

Oh, okay, well... If you don't want to tell me your number, then fine, but

lie about it. It's pathetic.

50.

You really don't believe I could kiss 50 women?

No, I believe you could if, like, you had them all tied up in a dungeon or

something.

I just don't believe you did.

Well, you're just jealous. You're jealous that I used to be a bit of a

man before I met you.

What the hell is so funny?

Oh, come on, Greg. A ladies' man?

I saw the pictures of you and your prom date.

My prom date and I were a very attractive couple. Oh, well, you looked

Your cousin was a little chubby.

Second cousin. Second cousin. There's nothing wrong with that. We could have

legally married.

Of course you could have.

And at the reception, instead of handing out those little bags of almond

candies, you could just make out with your cousin and send everyone home with

the creeps.

I kissed 50 women.

Okay, I'm sorry. I believe you.

Thank you.

Now, go to sleep and maybe you'll kiss 50 more.

What are

you doing in here?

Oh, Jimmy and I are fighting.

What are you doing? Kim.

Thank you. Can you believe that she and Jimmy kissed?

Oh, I don't care about that.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Kim thinks that I'm this desperate guy who can't get a lot of girls. Well, I'll

tell you what, I'm going to make a list and put it on the refrigerator. We'll

see who looks desperate then.

Number one, Kim.

You really don't care that Kim and Jimmy kissed?

No, who could remember what happened 14 years ago? Oh, Sabrina Shea, seventh

grade, under the bleachers, over the bra.

I can't believe you don't care about this.

Oh, come on, Christine. Imagine if the situation was reversed. Would you get

upset at Jimmy if he found out we kissed in high school?

I don't think that would happen.

Trust me, if you grew up near me, you would have run into these lips sooner or

later. They were very busy. Just ask Christy Palmer, Juliet Coriola, and

Something Spanish.

I don't think so, Greg. You weren't really my type.

What does that supposed to mean?

Not a big deal. I just went for different types of guys. You know, the

troublemakers, the burnouts, the jocks.

I was on the swim team.

Yeah. I wasn't really attracted to skinny teenage boys who shaved their

more often than I did.

I can't believe this. This is insulting. Right here, right now, I am insulted.

Greg, it's not a big deal. I didn't say I wouldn't have liked you in high

school. I'm sure I would have liked you as a friend.

As a friend? As a friend?

You're just like all those other stupid popular girls in high school. You think

I'm ugly, don't you?

No, you're just not my type.

Well, that's funny, because from what Kim says about your past, I didn't

that any types weren't your type.

Hey, don't get mad at me because you were ugly in high school.

I was not ugly. I just think it's funny that you're so sure we would have never

kissed, but I'm probably the only guy on the East Coast that hasn't had to help

you look for your bra on the back of a Dodge Dart.

You know what?

You're lucky you were never my boyfriend.

Because after you finished all my homework, I would have dumped you right

front of all your Latin club buddies.

Well, you're lucky you're not my girlfriend because I'd be kissing on you

the time. And with my ugly face, you know how disgusting that would be.

Ugly face. Ugly face, Stephanie.

Look who's back to apologize.

Hey,

Christine, it's cold out here.

Hey.

Hi, Mom, it's Greg.

Yes, I know what time it is. Hey, what was the name of that girl that used to

live down the street from us, the one with braces, had the big dog that would

bark at us when we'd walk by?

Because I kissed her once and I'm making a list.

No, I'm not on ecstasy.

I don't even know what ecstasy is.

Well, stop watching Dateline.

Mom, listen, go back to bed.

Corporal Klinger just showed up.

It's Christine. She threw me out of the guest house. Now, can I sleep on your

couch or are you going to be a while? Well, I'm making a list of every girl

ever kissed.

Oh, I'll wait.

It's going to be a while, okay?

Yeah, sure it is.

Why is it so hard for everyone to believe that I kissed a bunch of girls

up? Hey, Greg, you're a nice guy, but, you know, you're not the kind of guy who

kissed a lot of girls in high school.

You know, in fact, if you went to my high school, I know exactly the kind of

crowd you would have hung out with.

Yeah, you would have sat at that nerd table at lunch next to that kid who wore

the suit to school every day, Navdeep.

Wouldn't have sat next to Navdeep. In fact, I was probably more popular in

school than you were.

I don't think so, buddy.

Back in high school, nobody could compete with Jimmy Hughes.

I had everything you needed to be popular. I had a letterman's jacket, I

fast car, and I had a father who drank so much beer, he didn't realize I was

stealing a case a day.

Well, I hope you had fun, because all your hard work certainly secured you a

promising future and minimum wage and polyester uniforms.

Oh, you think you're so much better than me, don't you?

What? Look, Greg, in many ways you are better than me. Okay, you make more

money, you're smarter, you've never been shot by a rubber bullet.

But from 1980 to 1986, I was the king of my high school.

You, on the other hand, were the kind of guy that was stripped naked and thrown

into the girls' locker room.

That was supposed to be an initiation into a secret club.

Stupid wrestlers.

I know it's frustrating, but back then, by those rules, I was better than you,

and that's something you can never take away from me.

Nope.

But I can take my cushion.

Will you come on, Greg?

Nope, forget it.

This is so stupid.

Where are you going to sleep now, Fonzie?

You know what? You're still a geek.

Yeah? Sticks and stones, buddy. Stick that stone!

What are you doing? Come to bed.

49!

What? I made a list of all the girls I ever kissed. Every single one of them.

Right there. Proof, baby. Read it in a week. Ha ha.

Are you kidding me?

Nope.

Red -haired girl at camp.

Fat girl with braces. What is this? Well, I couldn't remember all the names,

trust me, I remember the lips. It's all legit.

I don't believe this.

You really did kiss 49 women.

Yes, I did, and I think somebody has made an apology.

a whore.

What?

You're a man whore.

What kind of person kisses this many people? A girl named Ming during a

abroad?

Oh, God, your tongue has been in mouths all over the world. I feel sick. Oh,

wait a second. Why didn't you tell me about this? It's like you have a secret

past.

Who are you?

Kim, you're being crazy.

Greg, these are

Gene numbers.

Christine threw me out of the guest house and Greg kicked me off the couch.

Well, you almost killed us.

I'm sorry.

Where are you going?

I'm just driving.

Oh.

How many girls have you kissed?

Excuse me?

Greg made me a list of all the girls he'd kissed.

He was making that list for you?

Ah, geez, maybe he's not smarter than me.

49. He's kissed 49 girls.

I knew it would be a low number.

and even like make -out parties and everything, too.

Yeah, he was.

Yeah. Well, if you count stuff like that, 49 is nothing.

I mean, at some of our frat parties, you could do better than that if you passed

out with your mouth open.

How can you say 49 is a low number? My number was 7.

You can't compare a guy's numbers and a girl's numbers. I mean, guys are pigs.

They're constantly trying to get their hands on anything.

Think about it. What would your number be if you kissed every guy that tried to

kiss you?

Oh, God, I couldn't imagine.

Yeah, exactly.

While you were busy saying, no, no, no, Greg was busy saying, please, please,

please.

But 49 said yes.

Yeah, but he probably asked at least 500.

Oh, God, that's sad.

That's what I'm saying. It's pathetic.

Because if you're willing to put in the time, you can get any girl to kiss you.

You know, all you got to do is, you know, pretend you want to be friends,

them home, and then tell them some sad story about your childhood.

Wait a second. That's how Greg kissed me the first time.

Yeah, it's a classic.

The poor guy had leg braces until he was 12.

No, he didn't.

What do you mean it's low?

Jimmy explained to me that it's a low number. I'm not mad anymore.

It's not a low number. It's high. Don't lie to her to get me out of trouble.

Tell her it's a high number.

It's not a high number. Oh, and I guess your number's higher.

Way higher.

And that was all before I met Christine.

I haven't kissed anyone since I met her.

Except, of course, your wife.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever met a guy who didn't hit 50. Yeah. Oh, wait, no,

there was one guy. What was his name? Oh, yeah, Navdeep.

Hey, I dated Navdeep.

He had a snappy dresser.

I don't believe this. I thought I had a high number.

It's okay, honey. I'm happy.

I'm not. I didn't even make it to 50, and the worst part is I'm done. Now that

I'm married, that's it. It's over. It's like I'm stuck on 49 forever.

Cheer up.

Maybe I'll die before you, and you'll get a chance to get out there and kiss a

few more women.

Uh, you're just saying that to make me feel better.

What the hell was that?

Now we're all even.

Oh, my God. 50. I got 50. Where's the damn pen?

Even. Excuse me? You kissed Greg out of spite.

Still counts. Christine out of spite. Number 50. How do you like me now,

Look, when Kim and I kissed, it was passionate. It meant something. There

like this animal attraction that couldn't be ignored.

Go ahead. Tell her, Kim.

Tell her.

Kim.

Actually, it wasn't.

What are you talking about?

Hey, is that my lipstick?

I don't know.

Well, where'd you get it?

Out of your room.

Mom! Mom!

Mom!

She's not home.

Give it back.

No. Give it back. I need it. I have a date.

I don't want your stinky germs on it. Oh, yeah?

Jimmy, I'm here to pick up Christine.

Wow. Hey, Jimmy.

Hey. Hey.

Um, you know, my parents aren't home. You want to skip the movie and just hang

out in my basement?

There's a couch.

Sure. Cool.

What are you smiling about?

Nothing.

Oh, my

gosh. That is hilarious.

You used me.

I feel so cheap.

I'm sorry. Don't touch me.

You're going to have to go and put that thing on.

Come on, we're married. I shouldn't have to wear one anymore.