Original subtitles

Hey, look at this. This is cool.

That is cute. Sammy would love this. Yeah, let me see that.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. That's annoying.

Okay, I get it. Nothing that makes noise.

This is cool. No noise. Take your shoe off. What? Take your shoe off.

every night at midnight on your way to the bathroom.

Can I get this?

Shake it.

All right, now over your head.

Now just go up and down.

Why am I doing this?

Because it amuses me.

Hey, excuse me. Do you have any trains that cost less than this?

No. Look, my son Dominic would really, really like one of these trains.

Thing is, I can't afford this, so... You know where I can find any cheaper ones?

Maybe you should try a yard sale. Or root around in a dumpster.

Hey, you think about getting Dominic a train set?

Bet he'd love that.

No, I don't really like to spoil my kids with expensive toys.

I don't want to give them, you know, a false sense of enlightenment.

I think you mean entitlement.

Oh, I forgot.

Because you're so smart, right?

Found the box with your mom's old Christmas lights in it. All right, I

wait till they're up.

Guess what else I found?

Remember my pimp hat?

I didn't know you used to be a pimp. Well, it was for a fraternity party. I

as a pimp and Kim dressed up as my hoe.

Oh my God, here's a picture of us.

I look like such a tramp.

You're wearing my prom dress.

the dishwasher's fixed.

Wow, Jimmy, you look like a real plumber. Thank you.

I mean, pull up your pants. I could park my bike in there.

We still have to get a gift for Mom. You want to help me shop for perfume?

Actually, I was thinking, what if we didn't get Mom perfume this year?

But we always get Mom perfume.

Oh, yeah, and we always get Dad the same old bottle of scotch. Well, you know

Mom and Dad. If it weren't for scotch and perfume, we wouldn't be here.

How about...

If we got them professional photos of their grandchildren.

One of those places at the mall? They're so cheesy.

All right, fine.

Maybe we should just send them a Limp Bizkit CD and a half a pound of reefer.

Would that be cool enough for you?

Did you just say reefer?

Are we getting the pictures or not?

Okay, but only if you say reefer again.

Here's your mail, Jimmy. There's actually a letter that doesn't say final

on it.

Yeah, yeah.

Very funny.

Actually, it is kind of a final notice. My Uncle Elton died.

Oh, gee, sorry.

Oh, don't be. He was a bastard.

Yeah, he used to chase me on my bike and throw batteries at my head.

Oh, my God, he left me $5 ,000. What a beautiful, beautiful man.

That's great news, Jimmy. Which one was he?

You remember at the wedding?

Uncle Touchy.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it was worth it.

Look at this. I got to go see a lawyer in Beverly Hills to get my money.

Wow, $5 ,000.

That'll brighten up your holidays.

I mean, $5 ,000 is a lot of money, but I'm never going to see my uncle out

again. And that is priceless.

So what are we going to do with all that money?

I know the first thing I'm going to do. What's that, Jethro? Buy yourself a

cement pond?

No, the first thing I'm going to do is pay you guys back the $2 ,500 you lent

to get it set up here in L .A.

Wow, Jimmy.

What, you seem so surprised.

Not really. I always knew God would have to intervene for me to get that money

back.

Just sad a man had to die.

We should all celebrate.

I think there's some champagne in the fridge in the garage.

Oh, actually, Kim, Jimmy and I kind of celebrated with that the other night.

What'd you celebrate?

The fact that we found champagne in your garage.

That's okay. I think there's some good wine in the basement.

Oh, yeah. Well, about that.

We should go to the store.

So, things are going to be a little different around here after tomorrow.

Why's that?

Because I'm not going to owe you money anymore. You're not going to be able to

make all those jokes about me being a freeloader.

Come on, Jimmy. Those are just jokes. Well, there's no such thing as just a

joke. There's always got to be some truth hidden in it somewhere.

Admit it. You looked at me differently since I owed you that money.

Well, yeah. I mean, anytime you loan someone money, things are going to

little. A little? I see the judgmental look you give me every time I spend a

little extra money.

Like the other day when I supersized.

I think you're being a little paranoid.

But I did notice you didn't finish your fries.

Jimmy, this is so great.

You know, we're going to pay Kim and Greg back.

or buying presents on a credit card, we're actually going to be able to pay

You know what?

I think this is the first Christmas that I actually feel like an adult.

What about the first Christmas we spent together?

Jimmy, we were 17, drunk on Jägermeister, and we stole Bob's big

Yes, but we were tried as adults.

Here they are.

Oh, honey, haven't we gotten enough stuff already?

I really want to get Dominic one of these Lionel trains. I always wanted one

growing up.

They're kind of expensive.

Yeah, so what?

We can finally afford to give our kids anything they want for Christmas.

I don't want to be cheap like my dad was when I was a kid. You know, instead of

buying me a Lionel train, he made me one out of his old cigarette cartons.

Called it the Low Tar Express.

It would be kind of great to see Dominic's face when he opens it on

morning. Yeah.

Hey, does the Union Pacific come with the 42 -inch curves, or do the wider

only come with the Santa Fe?

I have no idea.

Could you maybe, you know, find out?

Could you maybe, you know, read the box?

Come on, honey. We'll ask someone else. Yeah, hold on a second. Hey, Blitzen.

Let me give you a little lesson in retail, okay?

I am the customer.

You are the employee.

You work for me. Now just do your job and tell me what the difference is

these two trains.

The top one's better. Why?

Because it's more expensive.

So it's better for who?

Look, if you want to save ten bucks and get the cheap one, go ahead. It's your

kid. You know what? Never mind.

Give me both sets.

Both sets? Will that be all, Mr.

Rockefeller? Just wrap it up, reindeer boy, with the good wrapping paper.

You know, the kind when people open it, they say, hey, be careful when you open

that. That's good wrapping paper.

Can I have both train sets?

Yes, I want to spoil our kids for once. You know, if my kid wants a slinky, he

gets a slinky.

Not some twisted -up piece of coat hanger you had to be careful not to cut

yourself on.

Special edition slinky my ass. You know the only thing my parents spent money on

that Christmas? A tetanus shot.

Okay, honey, go ahead. Get both trains.

It's cheaper than therapy.

I know. I've never gotten this much stuff in a wall before.

Well, not since high school when I had that winter coat with the big pockets.

Hey, where should I put this stuff in the guest house so Dominic won't see it?

Oh, well, put him in the bedroom. After what he walked in on the other night,

he's afraid to go in there.

Christine, I got something for our little boys I think you're going to

Jobs?

You enlisted them in the gay midget navy.

They're to wear for the portrait for Mom and Dad.

You know, a sailor theme.

It's not very Christmassy.

They're just going to look like Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Which I think is very, very cute.

Well, fine, and put Sam in one and let my kids dress like two normal human

beings who happen to have a cartoon friend.

Sign right there.

You know, people say a lot of negative things about lawyers, but I think you

guys are awesome.

Really? I don't get a lot of people who are happy to be here.

Yeah, well, today you're my new best friend.

Wow. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, like you said, most people love to pick on

lawyers. Yeah, but that's not about you. They're just unhappy with themselves.

That's exactly what my mom says.

Yeah, but at least, you know, every once in a while. Well, I get a day like

today when I get to see the joy on someone's face when they receive that

from a departed loved one. Makes me feel a little like Santa Claus.

Ho, ho, ho.

Yeah.

You know, a couple people have been so grateful they've hugged me.

Yeah, well, we'll see.

Well,

here you go. 2 ,698 smackers.

Wait a minute, that's it? They said it'd be $5 ,000. What's the rest of it?

Well, there were taxes, but of course you knew that.

Yeah, taxes, I knew that. Yeah, I mean, it's not like I spent half, then

promised the other half to my brother -in -law.

Yeah, you know, he's gonna love this. Yeah, now not only can he call me a

now he can call me an idiot.

You know, one time someone hugged me because he was upset.

Okay, are you ready?

One, two, three.

Four, five, six.

They're not working?

Maybe we should just get new ones.

Oh, but I grew up with these lights. It's a tradition for me.

All right, I'll try to find a fuse in the garage.

I hate going in there.

Stupid spiders.

Wow, you guys went all out.

Yeah. You know, the credit card company called. There was so much activity on

the card, they thought it was stolen.

It would have been wrong to say yes, right?

Hey, how'd it go at the lawyers?

Great. You know, I talked to my mom and I told her that you were going to

Beverly Hills and you were coming back with $5 ,000.

She asked me if I was going to drive the getaway car.

She's a very funny woman.

I wonder why your father left her.

Mr. Moneybags, you got $5 ,000 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

I'm, uh, it's none of your business what's going on in my pant area.

You know, I used to tell Kim the day you paid me back would be the day white

doves flew out of my butt.

This morning I put my boxers on backwards so they could find their way

That's very funny.

Oh, come on.

I had to get one last joke in. I'm not going to be able to do this once you pay

me.

Look, Greg, I got to talk to you about something.

What? I've been kind of an idiot with this money stuff.

Oh, you haven't been an idiot. You're just in a little debt, that's all. The

important thing is you're digging yourself out. When you got that money,

first instinct was to pay me back. And I got to tell you, I admire that a lot.

Oh, time to wipe the slate clean, huh?

Are you crying?

Just thinking about my uncle.

I love it.

Great. Let's get all hands on deck and get this party started.

Anchors away.

It's so cheesy.

Are there any other backgrounds?

Oh.

Santa

Fe.

No.

Sprigley Light. No.

at night.

You're joking, right?

What? You got to pick the alphabet.

I like the fourth.

What? It doesn't make sense.

Why would sailors be in a fourth?

Why would little kids be sailors?

Because it's cute.

It is cute. Oh, shut it.

Fine, you know what? We'll just, we'll go with the beats. Let's just get this

over with.

I have to run home and get the hats.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am not waiting here while you run home to get

hats. We don't need the hats.

No, they're sailors. It doesn't make sense if they don't have hats.

Pretend they're on shore leave. It gets crazy. They left their hats in a

whorehouse. Who cares?

Look, ladies, there's a line of people waiting.

Can we hurry?

Okay, fine.

Let's just get this over with.

What are

you

doing? I thought I told you to sweep up.

I'm sorry. I was just picking up these puzzles. Some kid knocked them over.

When you're done, grab a broom. I swept up half an hour ago. And now you're

going to do it again.

Listen, Rudolph, let me give you a little lesson in retail.

I am the junior assistant manager.

You are the part -time holiday help. You work for me. Now shut your excuse hole

and get back to work.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for one of those squeezy, scrunchy, silky bath things.

Yeah, I'm management. Ask him.

Excuse me, I'm looking for one of those squeezy, silky bath things.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

Nothing, I'm just shopping.

Well, why are you dressed like that?

It's the holidays, Greg. Jeez, get in the spirit, Scrooge.

What's going on?

I'm working here.

Why?

Because I'm an idiot.

I didn't know that half the money my uncle left me went to taxes, so I had to

take a second job here to pay off my credit cards.

Well, why didn't you tell me? I mean, if you need the money, just take back what

you gave me. It's not a big deal.

Oh, yeah, right.

Like, I want to go back to the way things were between you and me.

Jimmy, just take the money back.

Why, so you can make fun of me again? Please, I have my dignity.

Listen, just don't tell Christine you saw me here. She doesn't know I only got

half the money.

What does she think you are?

I told her I was out getting drunk with my idiot friends.

I didn't want her to think I was a loser.

This doesn't sound like toy talk.

He's just leaving.

Yeah, and you might be leaving with him. You know, I've got high school girls

dying for your job.

Catholic school girls.

Jimmy, take the money.

I'm not taking the money. That's it.

You'd rather stay here and take abuse from that kid? At least I don't have to

take it at the breakfast inn.

Nose! I hear ya!

Hey.

Greg, come here. I want you to look at the tree.

Kim, the lights don't work. I checked every bulb.

Yeah? Well, check this out.

Oh, my God. How did you fix it?

Jimmy. He fixed it. He did?

Yeah. Right before he went out drinking with his idiot friends.

Hey. Hey, you going to work? Yeah, I had to pick up an extra shift. One of my

colleagues won't come out of his house. He's got a really big zit.

Are you from Diners Club?

No. Jimmy Hughes.

Hi.

I work for the law office at Mooney and Fisher.

I have some money for you. Well, I already got the money.

No, the lawyers in Maryland made a mistake.

Your uncles will specify that you get $5 ,000 after taxes.

Here's the rest of your money.

This is unbelievable.

Wow, good for you, Jimmy. Now you don't have to go back to that crummy job.

Wow, thank you.

Oh, hi, Bob.

Bob, how do you know Bob?

Tell Cheryl and the kids I said hello.

Nice try.

I just tried. Save it. I gotta go to work.

Forgot my damn antlers.

Jimmy, come on.

I don't want your charity. It's not charity.

Dude, you're insulting me.

No, I'm not.

Jimmy, stop.

I knew you wouldn't just take the money.

That's why I tried to trick you. But the truth is, I owe it to you. What are you

talking about? With all the stuff you do around here, you've saved me at least

this much money.

I mean, you do everything.

You fix the dryer. You do all the yard work. You built this thing.

I don't even know what the hell it is.

I don't know what they call that either.

Kim just likes boobin' for you.

Just saying, you do a lot of stuff around here.

You fixed the lights on our tree.

For crying out loud, you saved Christmas, Jimmy.

Greg, I do that stuff because you're family.

Exactly, and that's the only reason you do it. You don't expect payment. You

don't even complain about it. It's no big deal.

Well, it is to me because I can't do it.

I loaned you some money and I make fun of you every day. And when I saw that

you'd rather work at that crummy job and take crap from that kid instead of come

to me?

Jeremy, please, take the money.

Look, Greg, I'd rather you keep your money and respect me. I do respect you.

need you to take this money so I can respect myself.

Well, I did save Christmas.

Thanks.

Well, thank you. Merry Christmas, Johnny. Merry Christmas.

Are you counting it? No, no, no.

Dominic, can you slow down? You're going to derail.

Oh, only sugar.

I know what you wanted to say.

Look what grandma said.