Original subtitles

Christine, remember when we were little girls? We'd be in our room playing with

our dolls, feeding them, changing them.

Why was that fun?

Because when you got sick of them, you could stick them in a shoebox and shove

them under the bed.

But you loved your crying Kathy doll. You must have kept her on your

until you were 20.

Well, that's because when I was in high school, I figured out how to unscrew her

head and hide my diaphragm in its neck.

I always wondered why you'd disappear in the bathroom with that doll.

I think I was doing.

Hey, when you're 17 and a girl's willing to have sex with you, you don't ask any

questions.

Hey, I didn't see your sister's car parked out front.

Are you actually going to have one night without them? Because I would hate

that. Hello.

I parked a couple houses up. You know, your lawn sprinklers are getting

watermarks on my car.

That's because the lawn sprinklers are working and you're not.

Hi, Tina.

How you doing, buddy?

Look, Daddy stopped off and looked at some jungle gems on his way home from

work. Look what I'm going to buy you.

Greg, do you really think he's ready for a fireman's pole and a rock wall? He

can't even hold a sippy cup.

Well, you'll grow into it. Besides, I thought we'd let Dominic test it out for

year and make sure it's safe.

Good idea.

I think a jungle gym would be great, you know, and kids get some fresh air and

some exercise. And, you know, if you put it outside the guest house, I can watch

them and Ricky Lake without getting out of bed.

I just want to make sure we don't spoil Sam.

There's no reason to punish me.

Daddy!

Hi, sweetheart.

Daddy! What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Can't a guy come see his daughters and grandsons and...

How you doing, Greg?

Hey, Don. Good to see you.

You look skinny.

Oh, well, thank you.

Been thick?

Dad! Hey, there's my son -in -law.

How are you doing?

You're 3 ,000 miles away from home, you lunatic.

Enjoying the perks of working for an airline.

Free first class and early retirement.

You're retired?

More time to see kiddo and sport and buckle here.

You don't know their names, do you? Not in order, but I'll get it.

You're retired, huh?

That's surprising. You seem too young to be retired.

What's that supposed to mean?

What? Are you calling me lazy?

No, I'm just saying that you look so young that... I'm calling you lazy

I know you'll be on your boat all day fishing. Every chance I can get.

That is what I'm not flying here to see you whenever I can.

What? What? What?

I went out for milk this morning, and it occurs to me, 15 minutes to the

airport, five hours on first class, free, and here I am with you.

Isn't this great? And here I thought we'd move so far away we'd only get to

you a couple times a year.

Anybody else need a drink?

I thought you handled that very well.

Handled what?

I ran away.

Now I'm going to try to solve my problems by drinking.

I know.

Thank you.

Oh, I don't get it. I mean, I can't win with him. Kimmy hates me. He doesn't

hate you. He's just kidding around.

That's his thing with you.

Oh, yeah? That's his thing with me? Okay, then I need a thing with him. From

on, every time I see him, I'm going to poke him in the eye. That'll be my thing

with him.

Greg, we've been through this. Can't you just be the bigger person and let it

go? Well, why do I always have to be the bigger person?

Because I plan to do something very special for whoever acts like the bigger

person, and if it ends up being my father, I'll have to marry him and move

the Ozarks.

Tim, we sleep in the same bed every night.

We've been married for three years. Don't you think it's a little sad that

try to bribe me with sex?

You're saying no? I'm saying yes, but it makes me a little sad.

It's got to be the best steak I've ever had. Where do you learn to cook like

this, Jimmy?

I just got it hot, flipped it over.

That's how your mother and I made you, Christine.

Thanks, Dad. Now I can't eat or have sex.

You know, Dad, Greg's the one who got these steaks.

Really? Yeah, and they're very expensive.

You have to order them through a catalog.

You want a steak from a catalog?

Oh, yeah, they're from Omaha.

Greg, it's a cow.

Where it lives doesn't matter how it tastes.

Where'd you get the salt from?

Salt Lake City?

I saw this guy coming.

Yeah, they saw me coming, all right. Just a big old idiot willing to pay for

dinner.

What do you think of the strawberries I brought?

Oh, they're great, Dad.

Greg, you didn't have one yet. Oh, that's okay, Don. I don't like

Come on, try one. He's allergic. Oh, there we go.

He's allergic?

To strawberries?

That's ridiculous.

They're good for you.

Come on, eat one. I can't eat one. If I eat one, I'll get a stomachache, swell

up, vomit, and then pass out.

All from one little strawberry?

Are you a delicate little flower?

You still giving your hard time out there?

Oh, not so bad.

I think he's just a little disappointed I haven't eaten his fruit and died.

I know what you're going through, but... Would it make you feel any better if

you knew what I picked on you?

Yes, of course it would.

Okay, he doesn't respect you.

Well, that doesn't make me feel any better at all.

Yeah, I was kind of surprised you thought it would.

Look, Greg, don't take it personally. He did the same thing to me in high

school. Why didn't he respect you in high school?

Well, I did sales geometry.

And I was a big slut.

He doesn't pick on Jimmy.

At least I support my family. I'm responsible.

Well, that's...

Well, not the kind of stuff that my dad respects.

Jimmy fixes his own car, and he helped my dad build an addition on his house.

You know, guy stuff.

I do guy stuff. I know how to fix things.

Greg, you called an electrician to change a light bulb.

That was a fluorescent tube.

They're very tricky to get out.

I don't know where that cow came from, but I sure know where it's going.

You got any reading material?

Well, I'd offer you my copy of Emily Post's Book of Etiquette, but obviously

you've already read it.

What's this?

It's just a jungle gym brochure.

Look what they charge for this.

California.

What idiot would buy this when you can make it yourself?

Oh, sorry.

Why, you didn't think I was going to buy one of those, do you?

You're not?

No, I'm not going to waste thousands of dollars on one of those things.

I'm going to build it myself.

You?

Yeah, me.

Joking.

No, I mean, why do you think I got this brochure? I'm using it as a template.

When are you going to do this?

Tomorrow.

Really? Yeah, I've been planning it for weeks.

That'll be fun. Yeah. Now I can help you. Oh, thanks, Don, but I'm a little

particular when it comes to construction.

Greg, this is a very big job. Don, take it easy. It's a jungle job.

Fine. If you want to do it yourself, fine with me.

You sure you got the proper tools?

Please, I got a whole drawer full.

You all right with that, Greg?

Uh, yeah, Don. It's just this damn pressure -treated wood. It's so hard,

like drilling into a rock.

You sure you got the fit going in the right direction?

Yes.

Listen, Greg, I think you're a tap dancing down Jackass Alley here.

Why don't you come to San Diego with us before you drill a hole in yourself that

you weren't born with?

Well, thanks, but I should get this done.

Come on, come to the zoo. We're flying first class.

And then tomorrow, if you let Jimmy and us help you, the thing will be up for

the kids by tomorrow night. Don, if you just let me get to work here, they'll be

playing on it tonight.

Dad, everyone's getting in the car.

Yeah, okay, let's go, Bucko.

Daddy's not bucko.

He's kiddo.

If he gets my name right, I'll get his name right.

Bye, Sammy. Have a good time.

Greg.

Is this really necessary?

Yes, Kim, it is. I'm going to show your father I can do all the stupid things

that he respects.

I'm fucking tired of him making fun of me just because he thinks I can't do

things around the house.

You did call the electrician when the kitchen... That was a fluorescent tube.

And go on. Have a good time at the zoo.

All right.

Jimmy, are you coming?

Yeah, I'll be there in a sec.

I don't want to go to the stupid zoo.

Why not?

Dominic's at that age where I'm going to have to have that whole daddy -what's

-the -monkey -doing -to -himself discussion.

So don't go.

I can't just not go.

Hey, why don't you go out there and tell Christine you need my help?

Because I don't need your help.

Dude, I'm not going to actually help you.

Just tell her I am.

No, I don't want anyone to think that I had any help. I want to do this on my

own. Well, aren't you forgetting something?

What? You can't do this on your own.

Yes, I can. If you and Don can do it, any idiot can do it. Oh, fine. Now I'm

idiot? Okay, genius.

Do it by yourself. But, uh, here's a little tip. You might want to get a

skullhead pivot driver to put those brackets in with.

Well, as a matter of fact, I was just going down to the hardware store to get

skullhead pivot driver.

Well, if you can't find it... Look in the tools that don't exist because my

brother -in -law made it up section.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, my God.

Turn off the sprinkler, please!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just stuck.

Good, because I would have felt bad about laughing if you were hurt.

Can you just get me out of here before Don could... Hey, Don, how you doing?

What are you doing under there?

Just putting the finishing touches on her. Want to give me a hand hoisting her

up?

What do you think, Don? Should we help him out?

I don't know. I don't know, Greg. He's very particular when it comes to

construction.

Yeah, it doesn't take a genius to get out from under there, you know.

Any idiot could figure it out.

Somebody please get me out of here.

Ow.

This is flimsy.

What'd you use with these?

I used screws, just like it said in the plan.

These are drywall screws.

You need heavy -duty screws.

Or half -inch galvanized lag bolts.

Yeah, and he's gonna need a ratchet set.

Hey, you got a ratchet set in your tool chest?

No, but I got a swing set up my ass.

Oh, my God! Are you okay? He's fine.

He's just stuck.

Oh!

Well, Dominic seems to like it.

My dad took the kids for ice cream.

Said he'd bring something back for you.

That's his idea.

Well, you know what he's going to do. He's going to bring back strawberry ice

cream.

What he doesn't know is when you freeze strawberries, it breaks down the protein

so I can eat it. Huh? Who's the doofus now?

No one thinks you're a doofus. Now, you want to pull down your pants so I can

try to get some of those splinters out again?

No.

It'll make you feel better.

There's only one thing that's going to make me feel better. When your dad gets

back, I'm going to tell him he can't come here anymore.

Greg, please.

I'm caught in the middle here. He's my father.

Yeah, Kim, and I'm your husband, and I can only be pushed so far until I start

pushing back.

I like that. Maybe I should write some of this stuff down.

I'm asking you for one favor.

Let it go.

He'll be gone tomorrow night. It'll all be over.

Oh, no, no, no. He'll be back.

He'll be back, all right. He'll get up in the morning and want to mail us a

letter, but instead he'll get on a plane. You know why?

Because for him, flying here is cheaper than a stamp.

I can't believe you're doing this.

Well, believe it, because there's a new Greg Warner in town. He doesn't take any

crap.

Where's a costume pen?

You know I'm in here, right?

the hell are you doing taking a bath the guest house only has a shower i'm sorry

it's just been a long time since we had freeloaders dude what are you doing

arguing with your wife about don anyways did you hear that yeah i think you're

making too big a deal out of this well of course you do don likes you i'm the

one he's always messing with and i'm sick of it and if he thinks could you

some bubbles up in front of you please so he messes with you take it as a

compliment what are you talking about Come on, man. Why do you think he acts

this way?

It's because he's so threatened by you.

What? Look, before you came along, he took care of everybody in this family.

Picked up the check at dinner, bought the kids stuff.

When Christine and I didn't have enough money to go on our honeymoon, he let us

stay in his boat for a weekend.

And he didn't come in the garage the entire time.

So what?

Think about it, man.

You make more money than he's ever made.

You guys are all living in a nicer house than he ever had.

I mean, ever since you came along, no one asked him for anything.

I don't know. It sounds crazy. What is it?

What's the first thing he did when you wouldn't let him build the jungle gym?

He had to be the big man, fly everyone down to San Diego.

Why do you think he likes me so much?

I'm guessing it's from breathing jet fuel for 40 years.

Because I'm not a threat to him.

Whenever we're together, I let him pay.

Every couple of months, I hit him up for a few hundred bucks.

And that doesn't bother you? No, because unlike you, I happen to care about our

father -in -law's feelings.

See, that's how I give.

I take it.

Well, just so you know, with me, you've given enough.

Sometimes I even ask him questions about fixing cars and stuff when I already

know the answer just because it makes him happy.

I guess I should have let him help with the jungle gym, huh?

You don't need to compete with him. You've already won.

You know, Jimmy, sometimes your life's smarter than anyone gives you credit

Hey, you want to get in here with me and totally freak out our wives?

Dad? What?

You... you washed your hands, didn't you?

Wash my hands?

I'm feeding them. I'm not operating on them.

Look, Dad, Greg and I were just upstairs talking.

Hey, Don, there you are.

Listen, tomorrow morning, you think you could give me some help with the jungle

gym?

You need help?

Come on, Don. I was trapped under that thing for six hours.

I just blew my nose and a bug came out.

I mean, I can't do it without you. What do you say?

It'll be my pleasure, kid, but you've got to get up very early, 6 a .m. I was

thinking more like 5.

No difference to me. I'm up half the night peeing anyway.

What was that all about?

Well, I thought a lot about what you said, and you were right.

Sometimes you just need to be the bigger man.

Thank you.

5 a .m., though. Why do you have to get up so early? Well, after we're done, we

have to put a bathtub in the guest house.

Dominic, don't eat that.

Put it down.

Put it down.

That looks good.

Anybody check to see if the bolts are tight? I did. I tightened them all.

Jimmy, let me have the wrench.

Don,

I tightened them.

Greg, I'm sure you think you tightened them, but wouldn't it help you a little

bit better? Don, double check.

Why not?

Good.

Let me check the other ones.

Dominic, don't eat that. That's a bug, okay? It's got to make it.

That's gradiated.

Oh, good. Okay, now you know what they taste like. Okay? Now you take twice

before you... Dominic, stop eating the bug!

I thought you said you tighten these, Greg.

Don, let's be honest. They're not loose.

What am I tightening them for?

I think we both know why.

What are you talking about?

I'm just saying, why make a big show pretending you're tightening the bolts?

Why don't you just tell me how you feel inside?

All right, I feel that the bolts need tightening.

No, I'm talking about why you tease me in front of everyone because of what

you're going through.

What am I going through?

Look, Don, I know you're feeling vulnerable and scared. I mean, maybe

threatened because you're afraid.

I'm the man you used to be. I mean, it's only natural that would make you feel

weak and old.

I mean, you feel emasculated.

I'm the one.

I'm the one that took your manhood away.

This is the way it's supposed to be in a family.

The men working together, side by side, helping each other, making each other's

lives easier.