Original subtitles

Honey, remember last week when you were thinking about getting a new bike?

I have something for you out back.

Oh, you're the best.

I casually mentioned something about a mountain bike. Can you run out and buy

this?

It's a tandem bike.

They still make these?

Yep. And here's the best part. It has a caboose for Sammy.

Now he can ride as a family.

People are going to laugh at us.

No one's going to laugh at us.

Here, put this on.

Kim, we look stupid in these things. Well, yeah, now we do. But later on,

decorate them with stickers and make them look cool.

Hey, what's this?

Guys, will you please tell Kim we're going to look ridiculous riding around

neighborhood with our giant alien heads on this big, shiny geek train?

He's afraid people are going to make fun of him.

Greg, we're not in high school anymore. Come on, nobody's going to make fun of

you. Yeah, and people are going to see a happy family having fun.

See? Oh, I'm going to go get the video camera and wake up Sammy. No.

Oh, Jimmy, will you tape our maiden voyage?

I'd love to.

Have Greg on tape looking like a big Martian -headed dork.

Nice helmet, Kazoo.

What's that for, when people throw rocks at you? No one's going to throw rocks

at me.

about germ germ please i'm just happy he's eating fruit

kim

the mailman's here the mailman

well i knew it was you the mailman has smaller hands come on you know you dig

give me a little loving huh will you stop it Kim, will you stop watching, you

pervert?

Um, isn't SportsCenter on? Yeah, nice try.

SportsCenter is an on -tilt.

Now, if it weren't for ESPN and the pill, I think I'd have nine kids by now.

Hey, um, after you had kids, how long would you say it took you guys to

get back into your normal routine?

Well, before we had kids, our normal routine was getting drunk and making fun

our friends who had kids, so I'm not sure I know what you mean.

I meant sex.

How long was it before you guys were, you know, having sex as much as you did

before the kids?

Never.

Never? Well, no.

I mean, I don't think we could ever have as much sex as we had before.

I don't think Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee had as much sex as we had before.

Of course, their video looked a lot better than ours.

Okay.

Are you guys not doing it?

No, we're doing it.

It's just not as often as before.

Say we used to have sex X times a week. Now we're having sex like half X.

Or on a good week, half X plus one.

Kim, is this a sexual problem or a math problem?

Forget it.

Look, honey, when you have kids, there's some things in your life that change.

It's natural.

You know, and after a while, your kids stop needing you as much, and then

have more time for each other.

You're right.

Isn't it funny how that now that we're adults, you're the one who's always

giving me the good advice?

Hey, I gave you good advice when we were growing up, too.

You told me that all the cool kids weren't wearing anything under their

graduation.

It was a joke. I didn't know it was going to be windy.

You made the yearbook, right?

Hey, sweetheart, I'm home.

Hi, pumpkin.

I'm in here making dinner.

You know, I'm starting to notice every time I come home, you're on the couch in

that exact same spot.

You're like a stain.

Laker game's on tonight. You gonna watch? I don't think I can. I was almost

the door at work when my boss ran after me and gave me this. It's gonna keep me

busy all night.

That sucks.

I know. Here I was looking forward to watching the game and he has to give me

two Laker tickets.

Wow. Your boss must love you. He should. I've been making him look good since I

got there. It's about time I got a few perks.

I wish I got perks like that. Well, there's one thing you gotta have before

get perks.

A job.

Okay, all right, sure. Make your jokes. Big, lazy Jimmy laying around your house

all day while you're at work saving your boss's ass. But at the end of the day,

we're both going to the Laker game. Oh, slow down, cowboy. I haven't decided who

I'm taking yet. What?

Well, I have to ask him first. I'm sure she'll say no, and then you can come.

Honey, my boss gave me his Laker tickets for tonight. You don't want to go, do

you? Well, we can't go. We're going to the theater tonight.

What?

Greg, you asked me to get these tickets. I hired a sitter. Everything's all set.

Oh, right.

Jeez. What are you going to do with those Laker tickets?

Here.

Oh, hey, cheer up. Maybe you'll have fun.

I doubt it. It's kind of a woman's play.

Oh, come on. Why is it a woman's play?

It's called the vagina monologues.

You wanted to see the vagina monologues?

I thought it was something else.

You know what? I wanted to see that.

Well, go instead of me. I mean, if Kim doesn't mind.

No, I guess not. Great. Hey, Jimmy, we're back on.

Whoa, slow down, cowboy. I haven't decided who I'm taking yet.

Man, that was a great game. Shaq was amazing.

Yeah, he better be.

You know, I read an article in Sports Illustrated that said if you broke down

his salary to actual playing time in a game, he makes more in a minute than I

did all year.

Wow.

It's because he works more in a minute than you have all year.

Jeez, this traffic is a mess. It's going to be backed up all the way to the

freeway. Yeah, it looks like we're going to be stuck here for a while.

Hey, look at that. There's a strip club right up there.

Where? Can't you see? It's up past the gas station, right behind that

That is amazing. You can spot a strip club a mile away, but put a check in

of you at a restaurant, you turn into Mr. Magoo.

Come on, man. Nobody's moving. Let's go in for like 20 minutes. I don't know.

Why? Because I'm married. I wouldn't feel comfortable there.

Besides, this place is a rip -off. I went to one for my buddy's bachelor

They charged me like $10 for a water.

Yeah, that's because it's magic water.

You see, if you pour it in a glass and hold it up, when you look through it,

can see naked women.

I don't feel right about it. Besides, those places always filled with a bunch

creepy guys. Well, exactly.

And those girls, they got to dance in front of them every night.

Don't you think it'd be nice if they went in and were able to perform for a

couple of respectable guys like us?

That might be kind of a treat for them. Now you're talking. Okay, come on. Let's

go in there, show them what a little class looks like.

And not only that, you come inside, I'll show you how to fold a dollar bill so

it looks like a ten.

You think I widened the pillow?

I don't know.

Slight pass.

Morning.

Good morning to you.

Good night, slave.

Not particularly.

You? No.

Oh, that glass is dirty.

Who am I?

That, um, little problem we were talking about the other day? Yeah.

Solved?

A couple of times.

I gotta tell you, it was amazing.

Greg was so passionate. I mean, he actually woke me up and ripped off my

nightgown.

Felt so naughty.

Jimmy was a little rambunctious himself.

Wow, Jimmy too, huh?

Oh, yeah.

He's always like that after he comes home from the strip club.

What? What, Greg didn't tell you they went to a strip club?

Hey, Christine.

Morning, firecracker.

That was some night last night, huh?

Oh, yeah.

I can't stop thinking about it.

All that passion.

All that screaming.

I know. I hope I didn't scare Sammy.

I was thinking that maybe tonight we could have a repeat performance.

Really? Oh, yeah.

I was even thinking that maybe I could do something kind of special.

You know, get a little...

Freaky.

Well, I'm listening.

I just thought it might be fun if I got all dressed up. Uh -huh.

Maybe do a little dance.

Wow. Yeah, that would, wow.

You like that?

Oh, yeah.

Then maybe I could put on some music and slowly take off my clothes and

then shake my hooters in front of your face while you dig into your pocket and

throw dollar bills. Jimmy, you pig!

What? What?

What are you talking about?

Well, that's what you like, isn't it? Isn't that what went on at your little

strip club last night?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, wait. Wait.

You wait.

Jimmy wanted to... He said that... We were stuck in traffic.

Oh, there was traffic.

I see.

I forgot that when we said our wedding vows, we promised to love and honor each

other, except, of course, if there was traffic.

killed time. It was the only thing that was open.

You know, if there would have been a pet store there, I'd have come home with a

puppy.

If you thought there was nothing wrong with it, why didn't you tell me where

went? Why would you keep this from me? What were you afraid of?

Should I get you a mirror?

Hey, there's a yard sale down the street if anyone needs shoes.

Hey, thanks a lot for telling Kim we went to a strip club, Jimmy. Well, I

tell Kim anything.

What? Christine told me.

You told your wife we went to a strip club?

Hey, look, Greg, I happen to be honest with my wife, okay? We don't keep

from each other. So, you know, if we go to a strip club and have a couple table

dances, I'm going to tell her.

What the hell is a table dance?

Jimmy, why don't you come in here and give them some privacy?

They'll hear everything. It's just not as awkward.

Well, this is just great.

You know, what I thought was a wonderful romantic...

evening last night is ruined.

Look, Kim, I don't know what you're so upset about. You got what you wanted.

What are you talking about? Well, your problem is fixed.

What problem?

That you guys weren't, you know, having enough sex.

You discussed our sex life with Jimmy.

No, I discussed our sex life with Christine. I didn't know she was going

Jimmy.

We have to talk about something in the guest house. There's no TV.

Jim, I can't believe this. If you're having trouble with our sex life, why

aren't you talking to me about it? Because it's embarrassing.

And this isn't?

Why haven't you been having sex lately? Shut up!

Apparently, we haven't been having sex because he hasn't been under the

influence of G -strings, cheap perfume, and big fake boobs.

Well, at least I don't tell everyone in my family about our sex life. And don't

think my Uncle Doug doesn't ask.

Will you relax? It's not that embarrassing.

What do you know? You guys have sex all the time. What else are we going to do?

We don't have enough money to go out.

We live in a guest house with no TV. Truth is, it's either have sex or stare

the wall.

Sometimes it's both.

disappointed when the other mothers don't get naked and climb around on the

fireman's pole while someone cranks the Motley Crue song.

How come it's no big deal to your wife that we went to a strip club?

I don't know. I guess she doesn't feel threatened.

That's just ridiculous.

Kim knows I love her more than anything in the whole world. She's my life.

Every breath I take. Okay, Sping, I got it.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know. I guess I'll let her cool off a while and try to talk to her about

it. I wouldn't.

Wouldn't what?

Women don't want to hear men talk.

They always say they want to talk. Yes, they want to talk. They want us to

listen.

When they're mad at us, they want to see action.

I guess I could vacuum or something.

That's not going to solve anything.

Look, look.

Kim was worried that you guys weren't having enough sex lately, right?

Right. But she was happy last night, right?

Yeah. She was happy a few times.

I know. Christine told me.

Look, anyway, so she was mad because she thought the only reason you jumped on

her was because you went to the strip club. You gotta fix that.

I know.

So tonight, man, just do the same thing, only this time she'll think it's

because of her and not the strip club.

Makes sense.

I mean, it shouldn't be easy, man. Kim's a very attractive woman.

You're right. I mean, she's beautiful.

I know.

She's got an amazing potty. I mean, just picture that.

Tight, round.

Jimmy, Jimmy. Sorry.

Sorry. Christine?

I got Sammy to sleep.

Good. And I cleaned up the kitchen a little.

Paid a few bills. Talked to my mom on the phone. You know, just a bunch of

boring stuff. Nothing exciting.

What the hell are you doing? I can't help myself, you beautiful.

Get off.

Me? I'm still upset.

Kim, I said I was sorry that I went to the strip club. I don't care about that.

You don't? No.

It just bothers me that that's the only reason we had such a great night last

night. I don't want to think that you needed these strippers to get in the

I'd like to think that you'd want to attack me for no reason.

Stop it!

Well, what do you want me to do?

I want you to talk to me about this.

Why don't we... Why don't we have sex as much as we used to?

Because you don't want to.

What? Come on, I initiate sex all the time. You're never interested.

Like when?

I don't know, like every night last week.

Hey, how much more are you going to read tonight?

Hey, you still awake?

Hey, what the hell are you doing in there?

Hey.

Hey.

So, you want to?

You wanna?

Forgive me if that didn't exactly set me on fire.

Well, I don't know what to say, especially when you're not in the mood.

one thing when I was single to be rejected by a stranger, but to be shot

your own wife, it's not like I can just pretend you're a lesbian.

Well, I don't like being rejected either.

When have I ever rejected you? Two nights ago.

I was throwing you all kinds of signals and you totally shot me down.

What's the matter with your feet?

Well, how was I supposed to know?

I was doing my sexy walk.

I'm sorry. I thought your planner's work grew back.

I'm not a mind reader. At least I said you wanna.

How come we never seem to be in the mood at the same time?

Look, with Sammy and work and everything, there's just a lot of stuff

We need to work harder to get each other in the mood.

That's all.

Deal.

So, say I'm looking for a little loving.

How do I make that happen?

Well, you could bring me flowers.

You know how much I like to get flowers.

That's so cliche. All the guys are getting flowers.

All the guys are getting sex.

You like roses?

So what about you?

What should I do if you're not in the mood?

Sometimes you just kind of got to make things happen, you know?

Grab the bull by the horn.

What do you mean?

I don't think I can be any clearer. Grab the bull by the horn.

What am I supposed to do? Attack you? You could. Or, I don't know, you could

maybe be a little naughty.

You mean like talking dirty?

Well, I don't know. You have to go as far as... I can talk dirty.

Really?

Heck yeah.

See, this is great. This is the way it's supposed to be. We had a problem, we

discussed it, and now we know how to make things better.

So, you wanna?

I don't know.

I'm not sure I'm in the mood yet.

Oh, yeah?

Well, listen to this.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my. Oh, no.

Oh,

my God.

Too much? A little.

You ready?

Just a second.