Original subtitles

Sammy ate a handful of sand.

Where are the juice boxes?

What juice boxes?

The ones I got from the... We kind of got a little thirsty.

All right, fine. Where are the gold picks?

That's kind of why we got a little thirsty.

I can't believe you guys.

I think I have some raises in the car.

You're going to be pissed when she gets to the car.

Jimmy, have you seen Dominic? Yeah, he's around here somewhere.

He bit me, Dad. He bit me.

I believe he's in a slide.

Uh -oh.

What? Your kid.

What? He's playing with those old people's kid.

So? So go get him out of there.

What are you talking about? You know how it works.

The kid starts playing with another kid, then the mom starts talking. Next thing

you know, you're spending your Saturday evening talking about your prostate with

Mr. Roper over there.

Sammy?

Daddy?

Yeah, buddy?

Someone went to the bathroom in the slide.

Was it you?

Anyone see you?

Go play in the swings.

Good job.

Keep an eye on him this time.

What am I supposed to do? Not let him play with any other kids?

No, you've just got to be careful, Greg.

You don't understand. Once you have kids, you don't pick your own friends.

kids pick your friends for you. You're stuck with the parents of whoever Sammy

happens to be playing with in the sandbox that day.

Well, that doesn't seem fair.

Take it easy.

I'm going to talk you through this. Luckily, Sammy's at an age where you can

still steer him in the right direction.

Okay, so shop around.

Check out the park and find a couple that might be fun to hang out.

Jimmy, it's a park, not a singles bar. What am I supposed to do? Pet my cat

around the playground looking for an attractive couple like those two over

there?

Wow.

That is an attractive couple.

Yeah, and their kid is Sammy's age. Okay, this is perfect. He's probably

actor or something, and she's, uh... Well, she's just hot.

They gotta be fun to hang out with.

Yeah, you're right.

Sammy!

Go get it! Go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Keep going, keep going. Go, Sammy.

Good. Keep going. Should I go over there? No, no, no, no, no. You've got to

patient. You've got to be patient. You don't want to look dead.

Let it happen.

Let it happen.

All right. A little, your baby's so cute. Now, your baby's so cute.

And you're out.

Excuse me.

I can't believe I got to spend the evening with that old couple.

It's going to be like hanging out with my parents, except worse.

They probably won't pass out drunk in front of Wheel of Fortune.

Hey, don't complain to me.

I'm stuck going to spa, going to some stupid Dave Matthews concert with the

music producer and his model wife.

Sorry.

I tried, but there's no way to make that sound pass.

So, Gloria, the kid should be asleep the whole time, but just in case Sammy

wakes up and looks like he's thirsty, you can give him some water.

I'm sorry. I know you're great with Sam. I just... I get so nervous every time I

have to leave him.

Kim, I've been watching kids for a very long time.

And I've only lost two.

What? I love messing with the new mothers.

Oh, um, you can hear my kids in the guest house through this. Now, if they

up and they start crying, you just turn it off right there.

Hey, uh, Christine, look, I don't know if I, uh...

I feel up for going out with these people tonight. I must have had

for lunch. You know, I got a delicate stomach.

Jimmy, I once saw you eat a bag of human hair to win 20 bucks. We're going.

Come on, man. I mean, what kind of people have a child at that age anyways?

Well, with all the things they're doing with medical science these days, it's

possible for a couple to have a child at almost any age. That's ridiculous. I

mean, as soon as they're going to get their kid out of diapers, they'll be

into them.

Jimmy, it's L .A.

start having families a lot later than they do back home. There are some

advantages to having kids when you're older. You have a house, a career,

insurance, a bank account.

Would it have been easier for you if you had all those things?

Or one of them?

Or the ambition to have one of them?

At least I'll be able to throw a ball around with my kid when he's 10 years

I mean, these people, they'll be playing hide and go die.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we're going to have a blast hanging out at their house eating

meatloaf and playing board games.

Seriously, what are you guys going to do?

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

I love the kids, but it is so nice to be out in the evening. And

Spago, all those celebrities.

I can't believe we met that kid who was in the head of the class.

And he was so nice.

I hope that's not just because you wanted a good tip.

I was just happy to eat a meal without having to listen to somebody talking

gibberish while spitting food all over the table.

That's because you couldn't see Mel Brooks from where you were sitting.

Oh, I think we just passed the space.

Actually, the show's about to start. I'm going to find one closer to the

elevator. John is famous for his luck when it comes to parking spaces.

He always finds one right up front.

Well, it's not so much luck as it is being observant.

And, of course, having the patience of, you know... Ah, you see? There's a spot

right there.

Well, actually, John, that girl's got her blinker on. I think she's just

for the people to go by.

What the hell is she doing?

Well, I think we can still get that spot back by the... Hey!

Who in the hell do you think you are, you bitch?

That was my spot!

What are you talking about?

Don't play dumb, you little whore! Yeah, run away, you little slut, before I run

after you and beat the...

Yeah. What is he gonna do?

I gotta take that crap.

You gotta teach these kids to respect.

Yes, we didn't know you'd be having company.

Well, you know, he just popped by.

Do you know my husband, Guillermo?

No, I don't think that we have.

Well, if you do, don't tell him about Louis.

I can't believe I paid that woman $10 an hour to commit adultery on my couch.

Kim, maybe we should get someone else.

Greg, Sammy loves her and she knows CPR.

I don't care if she's sleeping with you. We're keeping her.

Hey, you guys are home already.

We ducked out of the concert a little early.

Tired? Frightened.

They were psychos.

The guy keyed some poor innocent girl's car.

Oh, my God. His wife must have been so embarrassed.

I couldn't tell. She was too busy kicking in her headlight.

At least we got a great dinner at Fago's out of it.

Hey, you think you had a great dinner?

Take this. No, I'm so full. I wonder how you're doing.

Oh, my God, this is delicious.

Of course it is.

Everything Judy made was delicious.

What are you saying? You actually had a good time?

Oh, it was great.

I mean, they have an amazing house with a pool and a tennis court. Yeah, and

David gave me all these old silk ties. Are you kidding me? He's going to make

great Christmas gifts.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Pretend you didn't see that.

So what? They got a big house. They're still old.

Yeah, they are old.

They're like grandparents, you know, who love you and spoil you and offer to

take care of your kids for free whenever you want.

We hit the jackpot.

Night. Night.

They are so lucky.

I wish we could have met David and Judy instead of those lunatics.

I know. This is the best meatloaf I have ever tasted.

Look, it's got a hair in it and I still can't stop eating.

I'm not talking about the food.

They're like grandparents.

That's the worst thing about living so far away from home. It's like Sammy

doesn't have grandparents.

Kim, having your grandparents around isn't all it's cracked up to be.

When I was a kid, I used to see my grandmother every day, and all she would

is sit there by the door and start complaining.

I'd like to go home now.

Please take me home. I'd like to go home now.

You should have taken her home. She was home.

There's David and Judy.

There's David and Judy.

Okay, okay, come on, Sammy.

I want you to walk on over there, okay? I want you to walk on over there.

So you want grandparents, don't you?

No, no, no. I want you to take that ball and go over there and start playing,

okay? Okay?

Are you about to... Oh, no, that's okay.

God,

that's a strong little boy.

Well, you've got to be when you've got grandparents all the way on the other

side of the country. Hi, I'm Kim. Oh, hi, Judy, David.

Hi, and that's Nicole.

Oh, Nicole.

Want to go play with Nicole, Tammy?

Oh.

Your daughter is so cute.

Well, thank you.

Now, you see there, Judy, not everyone assumes that Nicole is our

Oh, granddaughter?

Why would anyone assume that?

Well, we're not the typical parents of a child that age. We tried to have a baby

for a long time, and then my youngest sister offered to be our surrogate, and

that's how we got Nicole.

The funny thing is that she's our daughter and our niece.

I have a cousin with the exact same situation.

Oh, she's a surrogate baby? A redneck baby.

I didn't know you were going to the park. You two know each other?

Oh, yeah, we're sisters.

Kim, I told you about Judy and David.

Oh, you're that Judy and David. You're meatloaf Judy.

What reminds me, Christine, Judy's thinking about making her famous salmon

tonight. Oh, wow, that's fine with us.

Oh, you guys are all having dinner tonight? That is so nice.

Well, if you want us to watch the kids, you know, we're not doing anything.

We have absolutely no plans.

Nothing. Wide open.

Why don't you just get a sitter and join us?

I don't want to impose.

Oh, no, no. It's nice. What time?

Eight o 'clock.

That should give us enough time to feed Nicole, have a nap.

Wow, she naps that late?

No, I meant David.

If I don't lie down for an hour a day, my feet swell up like melons.

I'll see you later.

Oh, looking forward to it.

Bye -bye. Bye.

What?

What are you doing?

What are you talking about?

Acting like you don't know who they are. Getting yourself invited to dinner.

I was just making conversation.

You're always doing this.

You know, anytime I have something and you want it, you find a way to get it.

That is not true.

And now you're trying to steal our couple.

It's not like you've never taken anything away from me.

What about Kevin Leahy in high school?

Who? Kevin Leahy.

Feathered hair, blue Camaro.

Always wore the REO Speedwagon t -shirt.

Kim, that's like half our school.

You remember him.

I spent hours writing him a poem, which I was very good at, by the way. And when

I went out to the car to give it to him, there you were, giving him something

you were very good at.

Oh, yeah.

That was funny.

Yeah, well, we'll see who's laughing after tonight, when David and Judy like

better. Oh, please. Why would they like you better?

Because we have more in common. Because I'm mature, I'm educated, and I have it

all together.

Since you dare tell them I forgot my child.

Come on, it's my turn. Get out of that thing. Just a minute. Just a minute. I

love these massage chairs.

I tried to get Christine to have sex with me in one of these chairs once, but

she wouldn't.

She'd be a prude about it. Jimmy, a prude?

That doesn't sound like Christine.

I know. The mall was practically empty.

That's it for the Cabernet 95. Now, should I go downstairs and see if I

find a 94?

I'd love some.

Oh, none for me. I'd hate to be some kind of mooch who comes over here and

drinks all your good wine.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. It just keeps building up down there.

We keep saying we have to find friends who drink more wine.

I'll be back.

You know, I think the fish is almost ready. Someone want to help you with the

salad? Oh, I'd love to.

I'd better come with you.

My sister has some habits that are... Well, I'd better make sure she washes

hands.

Look at the way they're acting.

I know, like they're 12.

You know, if they keep this up, David and Judy aren't going to like either one

of us, and I'm not going to be able to go to the Laker game. I don't know why

women have to be so... What Laker game? The Laker Wizards game next Friday

night. David has four seats.

The Wizards? Jimmy, that's my team. You've got to let me go with him. Well,

sorry, but he invited me.

And by the way, I wouldn't go around telling people the Wizards are your

You've got to let me go. I mean, you don't even like basketball.

Look, it's four seats at the Staples Center, Greg. It's not about basketball.

You know how when you're watching TV and there's like Will Smith and Jack

Nicholson and then there's some nobody sitting next to him and you say to

yourself, how the hell did that jerk get down there?

Well, next Friday, that jerk's going to be me.

You know, I forgot the rosemary. Christine, could you run out to the herb

and clip some rosemary? Oh, I'll do it.

Christine wouldn't know rosemary if someone slipped it in her bong.

You spoke?

Marijuana? No, no. She's just trying to be funny.

She's had a very skewed sense of humor ever since the judge put her on Prozac.

Um, Judy, I wanted to thank you for all your hospitality.

Jimmy and I feel so comfortable around you guys.

Really? Yeah. Oh, gosh.

You know, it's so funny you say that, because my husband and I were going to

you guys if you wanted to do something with us, but then since your sister's

here with her husband, it's kind of a weird dynamic.

Oh, well, don't worry about Kim and Greg. I mean, you can feel free to ask

and Jimmy anything.

Oh, okay.

Well, my husband and I, we like you guys very much, and we were just wondering

if maybe sometime in the near future we can all have sex with each other.

Excuse me?

We just, we wonder if you guys swing.

Oh, well, um, I'm flattered.

But, um, you know, it's really not our thing.

Besides, having slept with Jimmy for 12 years now, I don't think I can ask

another woman to go through that.

I understand, but, oh, I'm disappointed.

me take these hors d 'oeuvres out to the guys.

I guess Christine was just waiting for them to sprout legs and walk out there

themselves.

Did I mention that Kim and Greg are swingers?

Jimmy, I don't feel well. We're leaving. What? We need to go now.

Are you sure you have to go? Yeah.

Okay, David. Kim and Greg are going to stay.

What a nice surprise.

What are you doing?

Good night,

everybody.

Well, I guess it's just the four of us.

It's probably better that way anyway.

It's a chance to get to know each other better.

special couple that you can do everything with. Oh, wow.

I know what you mean.

There are a lot of freaks out there.

Tell me about it. We were out with this other couple the other night, and let's

just say they were a little rough for our taste.

Oh, boy.

We've had our share of couples like that, haven't we?

What are you doing?

He looked a little tense.

Oh, he is.

Greg, it's okay. Just relax.

It takes him a while to loosen up around new people.

I used to be like that.

So, what do you like?

Excuse me?

Well, you know, what makes you happy?

Oh, well...

used to collect unicorns.

I like to be spanked.

Greg? Shh, honey, I'm trying to relax.

I'm with David and Judy.

After you left, it really gave us the chance to get to know them better.

Actually, I got to know David a little bit better than I got to know Judy.

But then later on, I got to know Judy a little bit too.

Oh, my God, you slept with them. You guys swing.

No, we don't swing, you idiots.

Hey, you said you wanted them to like you better. I was just getting out of

way.

How could you leave us with those perverts?

God, I can still smell them.

It's like a weird mix of Hermits and Bengay.

You know, we might as well let our kids pick out our friends for us. They can't

do any worse than we did.

So when did you realize what was going on with David and Judy?

Right about the time Judy touched my uh -oh spot.

You know, if you still want those Laker Wizards tickets, now we know how you can

get them.

No, no, it's not worth it.

I'll wait till the Knicks are in town.

I'm so happy our kids started playing together, or we wouldn't have met you

guys. Maybe we'll see you here again sometime.

Well, why leave that to chance? Why don't we meet again here tomorrow, and

after we'll go to our house for dinner.

Sounds great. Great.

See you around four? See you then.

Bye -bye.

Come on, Princess.

Yeah, bye -bye.

You think they swing?

God, I hope so.