Original subtitles

Please, Sammy.

Please eat it.

Mommy spent all day making it.

It's organic squash, okra, and wheat germ.

Which, remember, is the only good germ.

Look, Mommy likes it.

I'm sorry, I can't get this head down.

Mom, hey, buddy.

Hey, next time you want me to pick up diapers and Vaseline, remind me not to

beer. I think the cashier wrote down my license plate.

He's not eating.

Well, maybe he's not hungry.

No, it's six o 'clock. He's supposed to be hungry.

Honey, didn't the doctor say that he's in the 90th percentile for weight?

So? So, I mean, he's 10 % away from being the fattest child on earth.

I just want him to be healthy.

He's healthy.

Just not hungry.

Or eating when to worry.

You know what? I will read this after dinner. I promise.

Oh, oh, about dinner. My sister just called. Kim, I told you if we fed them,

they'd keep coming back.

She's my sister.

Well, she is not the problem.

Oh, come on. Kimmy likes you.

Of course he likes me. I gave him money to come out here. I set him up in an

apartment. Oh, my God, I'm his sugar daddy.

Greg, you were the one who wanted to move 3 ,000 miles away from home.

At least now we have some family around.

Don't you want Sam to grow up around family?

Yes, I do.

But does it have to be your family?

We had a bit of a milestone in Mommy and Me class today.

He walked, Sam. You're a walker like your father and your father's father.

He didn't walk, but Judy Scott's daughter did.

Now, Sam is the only one not walking. Well, he's probably weak from not

I'm kidding. He'll walk when he's ready.

Or walking when to worry.

Do you have a copy of Worrying When to Worry?

Come on, Sam.

Your old man's had a hard day at work, so why don't you just save him a little

reading here and take a bite?

Daddy likes it.

What the hell is she doing to you?

Hi!

Oh, um, he had a little trouble parking. He's exchanging insurance information

with your neighbor.

He hid his car?

Kat, it's gonna be fine.

Dominic! Did you see all the stuff Auntie Kim got for you?

I went to the store, and I got books, and crayons, and puppets. You can play

with whatever you want.

I mean, look at him. He could just sit in front of the TV all day and never say

a word.

I know.

Isn't it great?

Hey, guys.

Hi. Oh, come on. I made some food for the kids. I thought we should feed them

first before we eat. Oh, well, we can try, but lately, Logan won't eat

but McDonald's.

Nothing but McDonald's? Yeah. Well, he likes the burgers at Burger King, but

doesn't like the fries, which means, you know, he's not getting any vegetables.

Hey, Dominic, what you watching?

All righty, then.

Hey, do you know you live next door to a Jewish guy?

Oh, God.

You didn't talk to my neighbors, did you? I had to. I kind of backed into his

cat.

You killed a Liba with a cat?

I'm trying to make a larger point.

Ethnic diversity is what I love about Los Angeles. I mean, there's Jewish

people, black people, Mexicans, like 12 different kinds of Asians. You never

know whose cats are going to run over.

If only you'd have been here during the riots to calm everything down.

What are you reading?

Oh, just some child development books.

Why? Sam's not eating.

Well, he'll eat when he's hungry.

Well, it's not that simple, Jimmy. He's not walking yet either.

Well, you don't really think there's something wrong with him, do you?

No.

Well, then...

Count your blessings. Trust me.

Once they start walking, you got to get up off the couch and go after them.

Kim just wants to cover all the bases.

Oh, I see.

What? Oh, no, nothing. You better do your homework. I wouldn't want to get

in trouble.

You know, I love guys like you. You think anybody who does anything for

wife is whipped because you do absolutely nothing. You're probably

course I am.

Jaggone right I am. I mean, you don't clean, you don't help with the kids, you

only do what you want to do.

Live your life like a 20 -year -old single guy without any responsibilities.

don't know how you get away with it.

How do you get away with it?

A little something I like to call honesty.

You should give it a try.

Yeah, for our first date, Christine and I watched football in my parents'

basement and did beer bongs.

Yeah, she knew from day one what kind of guy she was getting.

What'd you and Kim do on your first date? I don't know. What'd you do?

I took her to a make -your -own -pottery place.

You dug your own grave, buddy.

You know what? I think it's hard being a mother, especially for someone like

your wife who's not very good at it. Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. Kim

to be a great mother. How many mothers are going to make their own baby soap or

get up every hour to make sure their child's still breathing or send their

husband back to the store three times to get the right kind of slow -flow

nipple? She's driving you crazy, huh? A little.

If you want her to mellow out, why don't you just give her the day off? You

know, you take the kid for the day, let her do whatever she wants.

What are you saying, like one day off and she's going to be okay?

They're never okay.

And we can't make them okay.

We just try to put a little slack in her rope. You know what you should do? You

send her one of those fancy day spas.

Really? You think it'll work?

Definitely.

Now, you know, she's comfortable going to one of those places by herself,

I mean, she'll be all alone, naked, with a bunch of strangers.

Geez, I don't know. You think Christine would go with her? Oh, I don't know. You

know, we really can't afford... No, no, no, no. It would be on me. Believe me,

she'd be doing me the favor.

Oh. I mean, well, look, you know, I'll ask her.

Hey, Christine, you know that fancy spa you've been dying to go to?

And at 12 .30, he goes down for his... Nap.

Good. And after his nap, he likes to have a... Hooker.

Mac, I know, I know.

If you have any questions or just want to check in, don't hesitate to call.

Here's the number for the spa.

A few places in the area might have lunch. And my cell phone number, just in

case you forget.

Jimmy, honey, if you call me in the next six hours and the kids are still

breeding, I'll kill you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, listen, quick question. When those big, young masseurs

got their hands all over you, who are you going to be thinking about?

George Clooney.

I didn't see George Clooney in our bedroom last night. Well, that's because

couldn't see the TV from your angle.

Have a good time.

Well,

this should be a good time, huh?

See that, Dominic?

That's the cobra clutch.

And you do it like this.

See that? Immediate submission. That's how Mommy got Daddy to marry her.

Jimmy, the park?

All right, fine.

But listen, if we're really going to go to the park, we've got to drop off

Dominic at his friend's house. He doesn't like the park?

Well, he likes it. It's just that if he doesn't have the TV to distract him, he

gets a little antisocial around other kids.

Antisocial? Yeah, he bites.

Hey, buddy, you want to come over here with that rake?

You can't even play with others.

Oh, this is great.

Sammy loved the swing, the slide, the jungle gym.

Come on, let's get out of here.

What? No, we told Kim we'd be at the park. We did the park. Park is done.

Sammy likes it here.

He can't even walk.

He doesn't care where the hell he is.

How about we go on the swings again, huh, Sam?

Look, man, would you stop pretending like you're having fun?

Your wife isn't here.

It's too hot anyway.

It is kind of hot. I know. And the Iranian kids are getting out of the

They probably just found a diaper you buried.

Shouldn't we be good fathers and take these guys to somewhere that's cool?

where? I know the perfect place, okay? It's air -conditioned, there's food,

there's games, a lot of bright colors stimulate their minds.

What do you mean, like a Chuck E. Cheese?

Yeah. All right. Something like that.

Roger!

Hey, I think it's great the government lets you Indians operate these casinos

without paying any taxes.

That's the least they can do after stealing all that land from you, huh?

I'm Mexican.

Really?

That's all right. I think we took some stuff from you guys, too.

There was no changing tables in the men's room. Lucky for us, no one was

pie gal.

Hey, man, come on. Let's get out of here. I'm on a roll.

You said we were going to an Indian museum.

What do you think that is over there? It's a gift shop. They sell dice with

tomahawks on them.

All right, look, the kids are having fun.

Why don't you just sit down, play a little blackjack with them? All right,

we're leaving as soon as I lose this. All right, fine, fine, here.

Wait, you're betting it all?

I'm a wild man.

Okay, you got 19, and he is showing 7. You're good.

Hit me. What? Sir, you have 19.

I know, hit me.

Oh, man, I can't believe you just... 21.

Wow, figures. One time I'm trying to lose. Hey, can I hit again?

No.

16. I know where this is going. Hit me.

Of course I busted. You took my two.

I can't believe you're just playing to lose, man. You used to be fun.

What happened to you? I swear I have never had fun around you.

You were fun at your bachelor party. I passed out at my bachelor party. Yeah,

but then we did a lot of fun things with you.

Blackjack. Oh, come on, you didn't even give me a chance to lose that time.

19. I'll stay.

20. You know, this is all because you took that, too. You know what? Why don't

you bet it all again so you can run back home? Hey, hey, hey, slow down. Let's

play a little smarter this time.

That's a blackjack. Woo -hoo!

Pay attention, Sammy. You don't want to miss this.

It feels so weird spending the day getting massages while the men take care

the kids.

What do you think Mom would say if she saw us right now?

Same thing she said all through high school.

Christine, put your underwear back on.

You're not wearing any underwear?

Of course not. You're not supposed to.

Well, I'm keeping mine on.

Whatever.

Are they going to think I'm strange because I'm keeping it on?

Who cares?

Well, I'm not going to be able to relax if the guy who's rubbing me thinks I'm

strange. Well, take them off.

Well, there's no way I'm going to be relaxed if I'm lying here naked.

Okay, so basically at this point, there's no way that you can enjoy this

massage.

I don't think so. But you enjoy yourself. I'm just going to wait

How long do these things usually take?

About an hour.

Why?

I thought I'd... I don't know.

See how the guys are doing at the park?

Oh, I knew it.

I knew you couldn't leave him all day. Well, is that so wrong, worrying about

leaving my son? You left him with his father, okay, who's a very responsible

intelligent man, which is a lot more than I can say for my husband, and I

my kids with him.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you, how do you do that?

Because I know at the end of the day, they're going to be fine. And I also

that they're going to grow up. to be a lot more self -sufficient and

if their mother isn't hovering over them all the time. I don't hover.

Remember those bunnies we got for Easter that year?

Huh? You didn't put yours down for a whole month. You took it to school with

and you petted it until it had that bald spot on its head.

And you smelled, Cam, you smelled.

Yeah, well, your bunny ran away. Because he felt secure and independent enough

to make it on his own.

Do you think I'm a bad mother?

Honey, I think if you relaxed a little, you'd be a better mother.

And you know a good way to relax?

Get a massage. Atta girl.

Now give me your bra.

No problem.

Good. Now take off. Not a chance.

I shouldn't hit the 12, but I did, but I did, but I did.

And I thank you.

Come on, you're embarrassing me.

Bust. Damn!

Oh, don't be mad, pumpkin. Here, go buy yourself something pretty.

Blackjack. Yeah!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Sammy's walking. He's walking. Quick, give me the

camera. See, I told you there's nothing wrong with him.

Oh, he's really doing it. Way to go, Sammy. This is incredible.

Wait till Mommy sees you walking under a craps table. I can't show her this.

What are you talking about?

Well, we're supposed to be at the park. We're here in the casino. I mean,

there's bells going off. There's cocktail waitresses walking by. I'll

will you? Oh, this is horrible. What am I supposed to do?

Stop filming.

This is his first test.

It is so beautiful.

Damn you.

What's the big deal? We'll just take him to the park, and you can film him

walking around there. Jimmy, I can't do that. My wife's probably going to see

this tape 10 ,000 times, and every time she watches it, I'll know I lied to her.

Well, now you're just inventing problems.

This is all your fault. Because of you, my wife is not going to be able to see

your son's first steps.

I knew nothing good was going to come of this.

You are evil.

You are evil. That's right. This whole damn place is evil.

Where were you?

I went upstairs to put the kids down for a nap. I come back and you're gone.

Look, I felt bad about the casino and Sammy walking, so I got a little

to make up for it.

Cheeseburgers? Ah, ah, ah. Those are mine.

This. What is it? The guy in my poker game does special effects for movies, so

he changed the whole background on your tape. Now it looks like Sammy's walking

in a park.

Come on, that is still light.

What, is it? I mean, if you point at the TV and you say, Look, honey, your son's

first steps.

Aren't you telling the truth?

It's crazy.

All right, look, look, you can do whatever you want with it, but at least

look at it.

I saw a little bit.

It's pretty great.

Oh,

my

God, it's amazing. I know. The guy's a genius.

I can't believe it. It looks totally realistic.

Listen, I had to slip the guy a few bucks, so I'm wondering... Whatever you

need. I got it. Don't worry.

Hey!

How was it?

Unbelievable. Thank you so much.

So, uh, Kim, aren't you going to ask about your son?

Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

You're welcome.

Where are the kids?

Oh, Logan and Tammy are upstairs napping.

Where's Dominic?

Uh... Charlie's house.

What are you guys watching?

Something I think Kim's really going to want to see.

What is it?

Oh, my God.

Your son's very first steps.

Look at him.

He's walking.

He's amazing.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Where's that park? It's beautiful.

Ah, it's way the hell out there.

Look at him. He's a natural.

I think we should get out of here. What do you think?

Look, it was hot in the park, so we took him to an Indian casino, and he walked.

Sam walked, and it was beautiful, and I wanted you to see it without the casino.

So I got him to pay a guy how much?

$200.

$200, and this is what he comes up with? I mean, the kid's obviously walking on

water, and he doesn't see that?

You can't trust anybody anymore.

Don't worry, honey. I'm going to get that money back.

You took my son to a casino, Christine? Did you hear this? They took them to a

casino. Just try not to overreact, okay? We don't know the whole story.

Yeah.

Did you win? No.

Idiot. I won $316.

This is all my fault. I knew this was a bad idea, and I didn't trust my

instinct.

Obviously, I can never leave you alone with...

Come on, Kim. You can leave me alone with him. You just can't leave me alone

with him.

Way to go, guys. She was just starting to relax.

Did you hear that?

She's never going to let me spend another day alone with my kid.

You're welcome.

Look at him. I know.

I can't believe he's doing it.

I guess I was worried about nothing.

That's what I'm saying. We need to just take things as they come.

Stop driving ourselves crazy worrying about every little problem.

You're right.

Does he look pigeon -toed to you?

No, all kids walk like that at first.

Are you sure? I'll get the books.