Original subtitles

Dave: Morning, Mike. How's it hanging?

Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine.

I put your mail on your desk

and you have an appointment later with the director of point calculations.

Let's reschedule that. Those things last like a thousand years.

Listen, we got the files for the new crop of incoming

and the big guy thinks it's time for you to fly solo.

I get to design it myself?

You've been an apprentice long enough. You're ready.

It's... oh.

Oh, Dave. I'm gonna work so hard. My design is gonna be absolutely perfect.

Dave laughing: Ok. Easy there, rookie.

Starting immediately, you'll be out of my department.

You'll be reporting directly to the front office.

This is your shot. Good luck.

Whoosh

Shawn: The bad place is owed two people.

You have all done bad things since you arrived here.

I don't care which two of you go.

You can decide.

You have 30 minutes.

Timer beeps

all I ever wanted was for this neighbourhood

my first neighbourhood, to be perfect.

Somehow I blew it and...

Now you're all suffering

and for that, I'm deeply sorry.

This is truly the saddest day of my life.

Joll y circus mus/c

Ok, I guess I'll speak first.

Jason and I are the mistakes.

We're the ones who misled everybody and dragged you all into this mess, so

we should go to the bad place.

Agreed. — yes.

Ok, I thought you were gonna at least pretend to fight me on that but whatever.

Hang on. That judge guy just said everyone here has done bad things.

Let's look at this ethnically.

For what I hope is the last time. It is “ethically”.

You guys helped me and Eleanor, right?

But we're bad, so you helping us was bad.

It's basic consequentialism:

The morality of an action is solely judged on its consequences.

Chidi laughs: Great. That's...

The one time you actually remember something from class.

Maybe I was brought here by mistake, but since we've been here

I just tried to stay out of everyone's way.

Chidi's done worse stuff than me.

He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!

I was trying to stop you from doing it!

Yeah, but you did it.

He who smelt it, murdered Janet.

Ok, well, it's settled then.

Eleanor and jianyu are leaving.

For the last time, my name is Jason

not jianyu, the amazing, incredible monk.

Which is why you belong in the bad place.

And by the way, Janet is not your wife. Or your soulmate.

There's a Janet in every neighbourhood.

Well, I'm in love with this Janet.

We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff, which almost turned out to be sex

and we were married in a legal ceremony. — It was not legal.

Ok, j—bones, you and me, outside.

What? But...

I'm not going. I don't wanna.

I know you don't wanna, goofball. I don't wanna either, but let's face it

chidi and tahani are better people than we are.

We tried to improve ourselves and you know what, we did a good job.

Well, I did a good job.

You mostly fell asleep in class or made fart noises with your hands.

Fart noises — I could never do that on earth.

This place truly is paradise.

Tahani: Look at them

whispering away like two beefeaters on a tea break.

I bet they're plotting against us.

No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.

You do have feelings for her, don't you?

I don't know. Y—yes. But no.

Ok, please don't make me think about this again. My brain will break.

I'm sorry, it's just that I have certain feelings for you.

You must see this.

The universe keeps intertwining our fates.

At first, we both get fraudulent soulmates

and now we may be going to the bad place together.

It's meaningful, don't you think?

This whole romantic situation is such a mess.

I am vexed, tahani. Vexed.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to contribute to your misery.

It's just that I'm frightened.

I don't have an actual soulmate.

What's gonna happen to me when Jason and fake Eleanor go

and you're off with real Eleanor?

Whither tahani? — ok. Team meeting.

Jason has agreed that the two of us should go.

Bye, tahanl

sorry for everything.

After I'm gone, you can go ahead and clean out my bud hole.

Thank you.

I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit?

I will not.

It is literally impossible for me to do that.

Well, it's been real, dog.

Sorry, that's how I ended most of my serious relationships.

Yeah, that checks out.

I feel like I failed you.

No.

Don't ever think that.

I was dropped into a cave...

And you were my flashlight.

Oh, goodbye forever.

I will miss you so much.

Oh, I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.

Ok, ready, bud?

It's gonna get freaky down there.

No/ce.

Not in a good way, dummy.

Whatever happens, if we possibly can, we gotta stick together. Ok?

Good.

Let's grab Michael.

Knocking

Eleanor: Come in.

Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

Um...

I'm going to the bad place. I'm taking one of the slots.

What? — awesome.

I've been there. I know I can hack it.

Actually, I have kind of a rapport with some of the fire monsters.

Also, if I can prevent someone else from being tortured

I should. It just seems right.

Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here.

There's another reason.

Everyone here is supposed to have a soulmate

and my soulmate doesn't love me.

I don't know if you love the other Eleanor, or tahani, or someone else, but...

You don't love me, which means that this...

Will never really be my good place.

I'm going, so you only have to choose one more person.

Ok, that means...

That means that... what does that mean?

It means...

I get to stay here with my wife forever!

We did it, Eleanor!

Usa! Usa! Usa!

Usa! Usa!

Woohoo! This is so dope! I get to stay.

You realise if you stay, I still have to go, right?

Yes, but, I get to stay.

Good point, bud.

Well reasoned.

Wow. Chidi is a terrible writer.

Sighing: This is a real mess, huh?

No matter what they decide

I bet you're gonna be in pretty hot water with your boss.

Wouldn't be surprised if retirement were on the table.

Retirement?

Course, what do I know?

I'm just the all—knowing judge of all matters in the afterlife.

But face it, this is your mistake.

Val: Morning, Mike. — morning, val.

Which one's which? I always forget.

Black is regular. Orange is anti—matter.

Working on your first solo design, right?

How's it coming?

Fine.

I guess.

Do you ever get the feeling we could be doing it all... differently?

I mean, it's always the same.

We get the names

come up with the design, they arrive, we move onto the next one.

We never even get to be there...

To see how fun it is.

Yeah, that is a bummer,

but it's a good system. I mean, it works, right?

They laugh

but don't rock the boat here, pal. Just try to do a good job.

She groans: French vanilla?

Regular anti—matter's fine. Why flavour it?

Michael murmurs: A good job.

Ok, all things being equal, and please check my ethical math here

the right move for me is to go, right?

Jason does seem to love Janet.

And he's not taking anyone's place

because the real jianyu isn't even dead yet.

So I should go.

Wow.

You're making decisions based on what's best for other people.

Yeah, dude. I'm not a monster...

Anymore.

Alright, nerds, it's settled.

I'll go to the bad place with real Eleanor

and you three can stay. — yes! We get to stay, baby. We did it!

Wait, no.

You're not going.

I am.

What? — why?

Real Eleanor is my soulmate

or was my soulmate

and she's only going down there because she thinks that I don't love her.

Do you? — I don't know.

Please don't ask me that. My stomach hurts.

The point is

if she's going down there because of me, I'll never be at peace.

Plus, Jason's right.

I've done plenty of terrible things since I've gotten here.

I deserve to go.

Yes! We get to stay, baby. We did it!

No, dude, this is bonkers.

I am going. End of story.

No, I'm going with real Eleanor. End of discussion.

No. I'm going. End of everything.

What? Now you're trying to replace chidi?

No. I'm going to replace real Eleanor.

Chidi and I are going to go together

which means that you and real Eleanor and Jason can stay.

Yes! We get to stay, baby. We did it!

Look, I love you, and I think you love me.

We can be together, away from everyone else.

Obviously, we'll be miserable

but I truly believe our love will make us happy.

Ok, you realise the bad place is not some sort of couples' retreat, right?

If it is, Janet and I would like to go.

I am going! And real Eleanor is going!

No, I'm going with real Eleanor.

No, I'm going with chidi.

Me and Janet are staying, just fyi.

Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover.

Hey, that's racist. — not a robot.

Oh, you have some nerve.

Guys?

Indistinct arguing

guys!

Chidi: The only reason why I'm going is because real Eleanor is going.

If you go, it doesn't make sense for me to go.

Look. You're not listening to me.

Holy motherforking shirtballs.

What? — oh, man!

Wow!

Ok, ok.

Uh, whoo!

Yo, Mikey! Shawn!

Come on out!

Is everything ok? — right as rain, Mikey, my boy.

So, chidi and I are gonna go to the bad place.

What? — trust me. I've got this.

That's our decision. Let's hit it.

Well... what about real Eleanor?

No, it's me and chidi. Call the train.

Point of order. I don't accept this offer.

The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.

Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us.

It's me and chidi. Let's do it to it.

Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules

that might just save everyone.

Buzz off, bambadjan. Don't need it.

Uh, ok.

Ready when you are, boss.

Chidi: Eleanor, what's going on?

It took me a while to figure it out

but just now as we were all fighting and yelling at each other

and each one of us demanding we should go to the bad place

I thought to myself, "man, this is torture".

And then it hit me.

They're never gonna call a train to take us to the bad place.

They can't. Because we're already here.

This is the bad place.

Dramatic music

oh, man!

I can't believe you figured it out.

Michael laughs sinisterly

oh, god!

You... you ruined everything, you know that?

Michael: Oh, man.

Eleanor, you really suck!

I was so close to pulling it off!

Grunts angrily

sorry. So she's right?

Yeah, she figured it out.

No... no, this doesn't make any sense.

This is paradise. — oh, it looks like paradise

but it's actually a filthy dumpster full of our worst anxieties.

I'm surrounded by people who are literally better than me.

Just me being here forced chidi into an ethical clusterfork.

Tahani tortured Jason

by constantly trying to get him to talk

Jason tortured me because I was sure he would blow our cover

which was torture for chidi, because he was responsible for me

which made chidi seem like the perfect soulmate

and that tortured tahani because he didn't love her.

You don't love me? — please, don't ask me that right now.

See?

We've been torturing each other since the moment we arrived

and everything Michael has done has made at least one of us miserable.

I had to be his assistant and try and find myself.

He convinced me to throw my life's work in the garbage.

Tahani: He made sure I'd see those bogus neighbourhood rankings

because he knew I'd hate being second—to—last.

Jason: And I had the perfect bud hole and no dudes to share it with.

He played us like a fiddle.

You gotta give it up.

Oh, dip!

Eleanor, I told you that first night that we were in a prank show.

Oh, yeah. You did. Great job, man!

Chidi, don't go!

I don't care if you don't love me. I love you.

It's the only thing that makes any sense to me in this crazy world

and I think we should stay and try—...

No, stop, Vicky. They figured it out.

They_. — Michael: They know this is the bad place.

Eleanor figured it out.

Oh, man!

This was supposed to be my big moment.

I just rehearsed that speech for, like, three hours.

Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst

and you can all suck it.

Do you remember what I told you

when you predicted you could do this for a thousand years?

Whoosh

the time has come to innovate.

The human afterlife can be more fun—...

For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing.

Who cares about those dummies?

I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment.

Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable.

I am going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.

We've tried this.

Humans are very reticent to torture each other.

Even getting them to do simple things

like pulling out each other's teeth is like...

I can't think of the right analogy.

Uh, what makes you think that you can get them to do this?

Because they won't even know that they are doing it.

I'm going to make them think that they are in the good place

and to make sure that they drive each other insane

I will be there

posing as a good place architect. — what?

I even stole a good place Janet we can use.

It can work.

Look, we can just send them all to the hot spike pits

with the lava and the bees

and the lightning that tears off their flesh.

Let's try something new.

The thrill of watching them torture each other

with personal deception and jealousy will be so much more fulfilling than

I don't know, uh, pouring spiders into people's eyes

for, like, the zillionth time.

Hey, the spiders work great.

Val, no one is criticising the spiders.

No... you've done amazing work with the spiders.

Too many variables. Too many moving parts.

That's what will make it fun.

I cannot predict everything that's gonna happen

but we'll improvise.

We'll... we'll be on our toes.

It'll be exciting.

I think...

That we can get them to torture each other...

For a thousand years.

I think you'd be lucky to get six months out of this insane gambit.

But take me through it.

How would this work, exactly? — Michael: Oh.

Yes, all right, so...

This is a 14 million—point plan.

Um... oh, sorry.

I thought we reserved the conference room.

No, Todd, we have it until three.

Sorry. Sorry, everyone.

Whoosh

so...

Bambadjan, and pavita, and Gunnar, and Shawn...

Everyone else in this neighbourhood—...

Except for you four

everyone in this neighbourhood is one of us.

After I came up with everyone's characters

we'd just create fun scenarios designed to torture you.

How can I be over it? We haven't discussed it

or even spoken for days.

Well, it sounds like you've had a really nice vacation

from your full—time job.

Get your story straight.

Whispers: Ok.

They're at each other's throats already. This should put them over the top.

Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye. — ooh.

Oh, uh, maybe my specialty was I... Identity theft cases.

Oh, he'll love it. Love!

Now, Tracy, you're his soulmate, Nina...

A marriage counsellor.

Maybe we can get them to swing with us.

That's perfect, perfect!

Shh, shh, shh.

Michael: Hey, guys? It's Michael.

Eleanor groans

Michael: That was really a fun time.

Whoosh

then it all started to go off the rails.

When I confessed.

You had no idea / was gonna do that

because, honestly, I had no idea / was gonna do that

Michael: Yeah, that came out of nowhere.

I mean, after that, it was just a crazy scramble for all of us.

You know, I... I definitely underestimated

how effective chidi was gonna be teaching you to be good

and obviously, we didn't anticipate that Janet would fall in love with Jason.

Hang on. That part is real?

Oh, yeah. Janet isn't one of us.

No, she's sort of a foundational mainframe for all of the neighbourhoods

good and bad.

And apparently, this Janet is in love with Jason.

I mean, co... what a world, huh?

I knew it.

I love you so much, baby.

And I, in an indefinable way that is not communicable through language

love you.

Wait, I don't get something.

I know why Jason and I were sent here, but why tahani?

Oh yeah. Didn't you raise, like, $5,000 for charity or whatever?

Uh, 60 billion, actually, so...

Oh.

But it didn't matter...

Because my motivations were corrupt.

I didn't care about helping the people I raised the money for.

I just wanted to prove my parents wrong, and stick it to my sister

get fame and attention.

My only real goal was to snog Ryan gosling at the met ball.

Which I did.

Couple of times, actually.

Well, well, well.

Looks like duchess perfecto wasn't so perfect after all.

I don't really think now is the time to gloat, Eleanor.

Don't care. Gonna gloat a little.

But wait, why is chidi here?

Well, um...

There's something you don't know about me.

I read an article saying that...

Growing almonds was bad for the environment

and yet I continued to use almond milk in my coffee—...

No, dingus!

You hurt everyone in your life with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.

Oh, fork!

You're right.

Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts

because / couldn't do anything.

I missed my mom's back surgery

because I had already promised my landlord's nephew

that I would help him figure out his new phone.

I made everyone miserable.

Well, if it makes you feel any better

you were the closest to actually getting in, up there.

You weren't that close. You were just the closest.

Well, that makes me feel worse somehow.

Good. Thank you, chidi.

I... I really needed to hear that right now.

I mean, all this hard work, all the planning, all for nothing.

It really sucks.

No, it doesn't.

This is wonderful.

You saw us all on earth...

A selfish ass, an idiot dj, a tortured academic

a hot, rich fraud with legs for days...

Side note, I might legit be into tahani...

But that's for another time.

You thought we would torture each other

and we did for a little

but we also took care of each other.

We improved each other

and the four of us became a team.

So, the only thing you succeeded in doing was bringing us all together.

Oh, Eleanor...

That's it!

My big mistake was bringing you all together

h—having you be soulmates living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out, so it's more of a slow burn.

Uh, next time? — yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna, uh, erase your memories

you know, make a few changes and start over again.

Hopefully. Just gotta get the boss man to sign off.

Wish me luck.

Guys, we need a plan. Quick.

Tahani, anything?

Chidi, I need ya. You're the smart one.

I... I... I can't. I.. I can't.

Eleanor: Jason? — what? What's up?

Ugh!

What do you say? Take two, huh?

I don't know.

I mean, what is this?

All this work for four people

and me, I'm wearing a judge's robe.

I feel like a real weeny.

Look, for a first attempt it was actually very promising.

Let me... Let me just tinker a little, try again.

Ok

But you're way out on a limb here, Mike.

If this thing goes sideways again, you are done.

Guys, he is going to erase our memories at any second

and all of this will have been for nothing.

Ugh! You're useless!

What do I write? What do I write?

Ooh, come on, brain.

Janet?

You can't eat anything, right? — correct.

Eleanor: Open up.

Michael: All right, let's try again, shall we?

You know what, bro? Do your worst.

We figured it out once, we can do it again

because you know what, Michael?

Ya basic...

Silence

whoosh

relaxing water sounds

Eleanor, come on in.

You, Eleanor shellstrop, are dead.

Your life on earth has ended

and you're now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.

Cool.

Michael on TV: You know the way you feel when you see

a chimpanzee and a baby tiger who've become friends?

That's how you're going to feel every day.

Your medical relief mission to Kazakhstan, that really put you over the top.

You got a tonne of points for that.

Eleanor? I'm Chris baker. I'm your soulmate.

Cool. Bring it in, man.

So where are you from, Chris?

I'm from teaneck, New Jersey, and I was a mailman.

Really?

Chris, you'll stand by me no matter what, right?

Hold that thought. Is it ok if I go work out?

I love working out. I gotta stay jacked, it's... who I am.

Yeah, you gotta.

Once I'm back, we'll get to know each other.

Great.

See ya soon.

Ding — hi there.

Who are you? — I'm Janet.

I think this is yours.

After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.

What?

What the fork is a "chidi"?

Why can't I say fork?