Original subtitles

Number five is number one.

Number seven, is number two.

Number three and number four are tied for number three.

What are you talking about?

I'm ranking my favourite “fast and the furious” movies.

You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.

No. It isn't.

You could tell me your real name, for starters.

My name is Jason mendoza.

I'm from Florida and I'm a professional, amateur dj.

I showed up here and Michael thought I was a Buddhist monk from Taiwan.

I was scared, dog, but then I remembered my parole officer's advice

“keep your mouth shut or they'll throw a book at you.”

And, uh, is that a family member?

I wish. That's Ariana grande, the sexiest woman alive.

You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with?

You know, it would be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk

but you're barely even a regular, functioning person.

How did you get here?

I don't know. But please, dog, you can't tell Michael about me.

You have some nerve asking me for favours when you have spent weeks deceiving me

making a fool out of me, and bringing snack food into my house!

Disgusting!

Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now.

Shawn, the judge, could show up at any moment

so we need to have a rock—solid argument

for why fake Eleanor should not be sent to the bad place.

Should be fun. — that's the spirit!

Don't even think about the fact that our slightest misstep

could cause fake Eleanor to suffer for eternity!

That's all I'm thinking about now. — yep.

Shouldn't have said that, regretted it immediately.

Bambadjan was a human rights advocate

so he and real Eleanor will build a sort of, legal argument.

Um, could you please just say "Eleanor"

and maybe point to whichever one of us you're addressing?

Well, actually the "fake—real" distinction helps me.

Oh does it, bambadjan?

Now, I know a fair amount about your time on earth.

Why don't you tell me about your time here?

Anything that might help your case.

Well, in the first 24 hours, I caused the world to erupt into chaos

and then I caused a garbage storm.

It was kind of a rough start.

But things calmed down after chidi started helping me learn about ethics.

Okay, tell me about that.

Well, I studied with chidi every day then chidi got sick of me

so I did some nice stuff to make him feel better.

And later, I confessed, because chidi was being tortured by guilt

and I just felt awful seeing his little nerdy face all contorted

"oh, Eleanor, I have a stomach ache because of what you did".

She chuckles

he is such a dork.

You know, uh, a lot of death row inmates feel regret about things they never said...

Admissions of guilt or anger or love.

Are you making a move on me?

It's fine, I just didn't see it coming.

Uh well, hooking up with someone with the same exact name

it is kind of a fun, narcissistic fantasy.

No, no, Eleanor. I'm talking—— — I could be into it.

No, I'm talking about you and chidi.

Now, ordinarily, you having feelings for my soulmate would be—...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. . A conflict of interest.

You think I'm into chidi?

Yes, Eleanor, I do.

Because you are.

You mentioned his name nine times in the last ten minutes.

Nobody asked you, bambadjan!

I'm not sure what will work with Shawn, but we should have all our bases covered.

Shall we start with the Greeks

or would you prefer the modern British masters?

Chidi? — I'm sorry

choices are hard for me when I'm under pressure.

I know that, buddy, but we're short of time here.

And it's is kind of important for Eleanor.

Right, which is why I can't take this lightly.

What if I screw up?

Listen, I don't need the chidi who once had a panic attack

during "rock, paper, scissors"

because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables."

I need the chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train

without thinking of consequences!

Oh boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.

Retroactively? I mean, how do you even—— — I don't know.

Okay, we have so many big choices to make, let's start small.

Do you want to use a dry—erase board or the regular pen and paper?

Just pick.

Chidi, just pick! Come on, chidi! Pick someone!

Don't pressure me, uzo. I have to consider all the factors:

Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates

and gender politics!

Should I pick a girl, as a gesture towards women's equality?

Or is that pandering?

Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view?

I'm vexed, uzo! Vexed!

You're always vexed. Just pick!

Okay, fine. I choose femi.

Wait, no, I don't want femi, he's terrible.

Hey! — sorry fem.

I only chose you because you're my friend

and that isn't really fair to the kids who are better.

I'll pick tokunbo.

You can't draft the teacher! Pick a kid!

Classmates: Come on, chidi. Pick someone. Come on, chidi.

School bell rings

congratulations chidi, you filibustered recess.

He sighs

no, no, no, you're wrong.

There are way more things I hate about chidi than like about him.

Like what?

His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection.

Oh, and he loves ethics so much.

He once talked about John rawls for two hours. I timed it!

And he only stopped because he saw me timing him.

Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself.

It was kind of a nice moment, but still!

He always twitches his eyebrows when he says "absolutism"

and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant

but he never makes fun of me, which is nice.

He's also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked

and—— oh fork, I'm in love with chidi.

Let's take a little break.

Obviously, I'm not thrilled about you having feelings for my soulmate.

Yeah, I keep accidentally stealing your stuff.

However, as your advocate, and I hope, friend

I think you should tell chidi how you feel.

Would a hug make you feel better?

No, I don't think that—— — too late. You're getting one.

Thanks bambadjan, that does make me feel better.

Mm—hmm.

What were you doing all those times you said you were “meditating?”

If I say it you can't “unhear” it.

I've just realised, there's no way you could have done this.

You got Janet to do it.

No, no, no, chidi did it!

I got you an awesome painting, but then he switched it

to this one because he said you'd like it more.

And he made me memorise stuff to say to you, so you wouldn't be so sad.

This is all his fault. You should yell at him.

Why would chidi help you make me happy?

It's almost as if he was trying to—...

Oh. Oh, my.

Of course.

This is the cool painting I made.

This guy is famous. I mean, who even are those ladies?

It would be easier to sort out the issue of "dry—erase versus paper"

if I could write down the pros and cons for each.

But of course, I would have to use one of them

to write down the pros and cons for them

which is problematic.

Wow!

Ethics team! How's it going? — terribly.

Cool. Well, you guys are kind of my last hope, so that's not great.

He groans

hey, do you mind if I borrow “professor stomach ache” here, for a second?

Please. Take him for an hour. Take all the time you want.

Eleanor: Okay, sit down, maybe.

He clears his throat

I dated many annoying guys, okay.

They would call me at all times of the day "just to talk”

or ask me if I had taken cash out of their wallets... stupid stuff.

And when I stopped having fun with them, I'd leave.

Usually wouldn't even call or anything, I just bounced.

Gotta go spend that money you stole.

Point is, you are way more of a buzzkill than any of those dudes.

Okay, thanks for this conversation.

But, somehow, I never want to leave you.

I want to stay in the good place, because of you.

Because I love you. I think.

No, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I love you.

Ugh, that's embarrassing. I feel so itchy.

Sorry. Don't say anything.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Catch you later, “silly billy”.

Ugh, love has made me a nerd.

Jianyu is a fake!

He's not supposed to be here, just like your "soulmate."

More importantly, you did the ballerina painting

because you were trying to protect my feelings

because you love me.

Oh, chidi, don't you see...

This is the real mistake that was made in our neighbourhood:

You and I are soulmates.

It makes so much sense. — oh, but...

No, chidi. True love is rare.

Like a desert flower betwixt two oases.

But true love is also very simple.

And right now, I'm just a girl

towering over a boy, asking him to admit he loves me.

I feel like her confession of love was a lot better than mine.

Can I get a do—over?

I need to step outside...

For some air, and...

I will not be back...

For many days.

Dude, you can't just run away! You have to—...

She sighs

it looks calm now but the storm is imminent.

What's up, Carson da/y, my name is Jason.

I wanna give a shout—out to all my homies up in Jacksonville!

I am not Carson da/y, I'm a weather reporter.

A hurricane is coming. You need to seek shelter.

I'm on tv/ — okay.

Hey Janet?

Beep — hi there.

What are you watching?

My greatest accomplishment ever.

I'm trying to cheer myself up, because I'm sad.

I think I might be in big trouble.

Can you bring me something that will make me not sad?

Let me think...

Beep

beep — sorry that took so long. Here you go!

Oh dang!

Are these from my favourite restaurant, stupid Nick's wing dump?

Stupid Nick's closed down because a pelican fell into the flash fryer

but he opened a new place, called “ugly Nick's meat trench.”

These are an exact replica of that recipe.

Why are you so nice to me?

Well, you were very nice to me while I was rebooting.

Also, I'm programmed to be nice to everyone.

Janet, I just realised something.

I love you.

Okay.

I have one more question for you.

So, you also love chidi?

And you just told him just now, right before I did.

Technically you told him that he loves you. But, yes.

This isn't ideal.

We must remain civil. He's simply going to have to pick one of us

and the loser will just have to accept her fate

with grace and equanimity.

Maybe if you lose.

If he doesn't pick me "I'MMA" start throwing stuff.

Classy as always.

I suppose you knew that jianyu was a fake, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

Figured you two charlatans would sniff each other out

like two mangy rats sharing a pizza crust in a sewer!

Okay!

No. We're not gonna do this.

We are not gonna be those women who fight over a guy

and find any excuse to rip each other apart.

I am not going to apologise for being angry. You knew that my soulmate was lying to me.

Yes, I did and I'm very sorry.

Listen, you and I have a weird, complicated, forked—up friendship

but it's our friendship, and I care about it.

Let's do something fun. What would make you feel happy, right now?

You have a fine home, Deirdre. I absolutely adore your chaise!

I don't know bugger all about a ”chaise. ”

I've been using this as a bloody toilet, / ha ve/

what's this show called again?

It's "Deirdre and Margaret". It ran for sixteen years on the BBC.

They did nearly 30 episodes.

It's about two women from very different worlds

who become friends.

Sort of like us.

Oh, Deirdre, no, that's priceless art/

I thought it was fruit, innit?

Laughter — Deirdre.

I take it the moron is me? — well, it's not a direct parallel.

Okay. We did your thing, now it's my turn.

Are you ready to take our bonding to the next level?

Oh good. You're back.

Um, I I know we're short on time

but I need your help with a personal dilemma.

I need to make a choice between two...

Frozen yoghurts.

Frozen yoghurt? — yes.

And um, each of these yoghurts has a unique flavour

and it's possible that one of them is perfect for me

but I don't know which

and someone might be hurt if I choose the wrong yoghurt.

What are you trying to say?

That there's a wrong yoghurt that hurts people?

You know, frozen yoghurt is the only thing that's keeping this neighbourhood together.

I'm going to have to destroy the stores and then rebuild from scratch.

No, no yoghurts fine. Yoghurts are fine. I'm talking about my soulmates.

Oh, thank goodness. — he laughs in relief

this is about fake Eleanor and real Eleanor?

Yes. Which person is my soulmate?

Real Eleanor. That's what the system determined.

Okay. — of course, the system did screw up

by letting fake Eleanor in.

You know, it's interesting fake Eleanor being selected accidentally

and then you bonding with her, could have shifted the formula.

But it's one of those two people.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, the system might be so screwed up at this point

that maybe you don't belong to either Eleanor.

He growls angrily: Oh...

“You” is spreading. — what?

Your indecisiveness is infecting me, like a virus.

Oh, chidi, this could send us down a very dangerous path.

If you can't make a choice, this whole neighbourhood could fall apart.

Okay getting close here.

Just mulling the ethical ramifications of various soups.

Ah, same old chidi.

Now can I come back for a fifth time?

Yeah, maybe that's smart.

Waiter chuckles

how are you, uzo? It's been too long.

It has. It has. Look, as you know, Ellen and I are engaged.

You're my oldest friend, and I love you like a brother.

And that's why I'd like you to not be my best man.

Sorry? — look, if you were my best man

you'd have to plan the bachelor party, decide what to say in your toast

handle problems that pop up the day—of...

It would drive you up the wall.

Uzo, this isn't choosing soccer teams on a playground.

When something is important to me, I can make a decision.

Watch. Um, excuse me, excuse me? I've decided.

I would like to unequivocally order the pumpkin soup.

Waiter: Perfect.

You kinda want to change your order? — yeah, I don't know what was I thinking?

Excuse me? Risotto! Risotto!

As much as I'm enjoying this shouldn't you be working on your case

trying to stay here?

Honestly, how am I going to help them? They are much smarter than me.

Now, hair extensions: This is where I shine.

You are already at almost maximum hotness

but now you look like a sexy, tan rapunzel.

The dream.

And how exactly did you learn how to do this?

When I was 14, I had to make myself look older

to get a job.

These were the ones I used and they are real cheap.

You're gonna wanna stay away from open flames

and altercations at outlet malls.

Hey...

I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you about jianyu.

And that you got saddled with him.

Yes, that is regrettable.

But... I forgive you.

Maybe you two are soulmates.

Holy shirt.

Maybe we are.

I know it seems crazy, but think about it.

Jianyu is a hot dummy, definitely my type.

We both love to dance

we were both banned from public transit systems in our cities...

I think this is the answer!

People come in pairs here and if the system paired us up

then maybe somehow I do belong here, with him!

Beep — hi there.

Jason and I are getting married in ten minutes, and you're invited.

Here we've got your soulmate options:

Eleanor, real Eleanor, and a theoretical third person...

Let's call her strawberry mango twist.

Okay, close your eyes.

Think about each of the women.

Open your eyes.

The answer is real Eleanor.

How do you know? — I don't.

But the minute I said that, you knew instinctively whether it felt right.

Well, hang on, let me think about that. — no!

No! No, more thinking, chidi! Just do something.

Indecision caused you so much agony in your life.

Right up to the very end.

I had a little trouble writing my speech.

Um, I wrote eleven different versions.

Wedding's in twenty minutes, buddy.

Oh boy. These run about 55 minutes apiece.

I'm really hot.

Is this air conditioner even working? He bangs forcefully

yes, it is. You're just having a literal meltdown.

Also you're not dressed yet. And we haven't picked up the rings.

Okay, well, uh, there's an issue, there

involving what I consider to be unfair labour practices

on the part of the jeweller.

And we never had a bachelor party

because you could never settle on a location or time.

No, I chose a time: Evening.

I'm sorry. You were right.

This is too much for me.

You should just leave me here and go get married.

Yeah, here's the thing, bud.

My wedding isn't for another month.

This was a test, to see if you could handle being my best man.

And just as I predicted, you failed miserably.

Oh no. No, I mean, I'm relieved, but this is embarrassing.

It's okay, bud. Femi is going to be my actual best man.

It's all taken care of.

Let's just go have a nice night. I'll buy you a beer.

Thirty minutes, chidi!

We have been trying to pick a bar for 30 minutes!

It is literally impossible to be your friend.

You are incapable of making a single decision.

Look, I know I can be indecisive

but what's the harm in taking a few extra minutes

to find the perfect—— Sudden clashing

crashing

chidi?

You're right.

I just need to make a decision.

I am gonna look each of these women in the eye

trust my gut, and figure out how I feel!

You're kidding. That worked?

Great! Go do it!

He claps

ha!

Jason: Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to marry!

Electro remix music: "Here comes the bride"

Yo, check it.

Material rips

she laughs — this is great!

Eleanor: At different moments during our time here

we've both thought that “tragic mike” over here

was our one true love.

And now he's marrying whatever Janet is.

I suppose you're right. It is a bit strange.

I'd like to read a poem.

Janet, my digital queen. Janet, we can dare to dream.

Send nude pics of your heart to me. — Eleanor chokes

Jacksonville jaguars rule!

Jason, when I was rebooted and I lost all of my knowledge

I was confused and disorientated.

But you were always kind to me.

And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs

movies, poems, and novels

that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds

that's what love is all about.

Does anybody here object to this marriage?

Of course we do, how could be not? — It's a terrible idea.

Overruled. Jason, — mm—hmm.

Do you want me to be your wife? — yeah!

I want you to be my husband. — tight!

So, by the power vested in me, by me

I now pronounce us husband and wife.

We did it!

Can I kiss you, or will I be electrocuted?

Only one way to find out!

Whoo! Get some!

Go get it, girl! I'm just going with it now.

Eleanor laughs

music: "At last" by etta James

tahani: It's funny.

I was devastated when I found out that he wasn't my soulmate, but...

Now I think I've dodged a bullet.

Tahani: He's a simple man.

I once watched him eat electrical tape right off the roll.

He thought it was a fruit by the foot that had gone bad.

Michael will certainly find out about this, and sooner rather than later.

But I won't be the one who tells him.

I can't do that to jianyu.

I think that's the right call.

Thank you for being such a great friend to me today.

Of course, hot stuff. I got your back.

Eleanor, hey, I just wanted to see if you talked to chidi?

Uh, yeah, I did.

I mean, you don't have to tell me what you said

I just wanted to see if you were okay.

Oh, man, you are a good person.

I swear, if I had known you and tahani and chidi on earth

I might've for real gotten into the good place.

Oh, hey, it's my three favourite yoghurts!

Hey, um, about what happened earlier.

I've been kind of all over the place today.

An hour ago, I thought jianyu was my soulmate

and the fact that that kinda made sense

means you and I ever could be meant for each other.

Plus, jianyu's married to Janet now. — okay.

What? — I do love you

but I think more in a best friend afterlife—saviour kind of way.

I'm not so much “hot for teacher”

as I am “eternally grateful for semi—cute, surprisingly ripped teacher”.

Chidi, I also have to apologise.

It's just that when I found out that jianyu wasn't my soulmate

I desperately needed something to keep me afloat, and...

You were the nearest lifeboat, as it were.

And yes, we do have the sort of connection

that only two highly—educated sophisticates could have

but it's not true love.

True love is what Janet and jianyu have. — yeah. What?

Oh, we would love to stay and chat, but we need to find Michael.

Eleanor, I think I figured out a way for you to stay.

Really? I'll come too!

Electro dance music plays

what?