Original subtitles

♪ I see trees of green red roses too ♪

♪ I see them bloom... ♪

Hey, dingdongs, we've figured out what's happened here.

You two are both named Eleanor shellstrop.

The day you died, you were both in Phoenix, Arizona

shopping at the same grocery store.

He makes a part noise

the "real Eleanor" was attending a conference on the death penalty

and you stopped by to pick up food for a local homeless shelter.

And "fake Eleanor" was there buying Margarita mix

and a magazine called "celebrity baby plastic surgery disasters."

Incredibly, you both died in the same ten—thousandth of a second

in the same traffic accident.

Because real Eleanor was trying to save fake Eleanor's life

by pushing you out of the way of the truck.

I guess you really botched that one, huh?

I did. And I am so, so sorry.

It's all good.

So how did you not realise you had the wrong Eleanor?

Oh, we don't know what people look like — only names and profiles.

On earth, they're just dots on a map.

Yeah, whatever, we got our wires crossed. We picked up the wrong dot.

Bluh—bluh—bluh—bluh—bluh... — not now.

Bluh—bluh—bluh—bluh—bluh!

Point is, there are two eleanors.

The nice, boring one is yours, the trash bag is ours.

So trash bag, let's go. Let's hit it.

And also, I'm still waiting on that smile, gorgeous.

Trevor. — where's that smile?

Trevor, how about we negotiate. Maybe give you something else.

What in the world could you have that we would want?

All right, how about a unicorn! Right? I bet you don't have one of those.

No, that is true. — Michael laughs

might be fun to skin it alive, eat its raw flesh

maybe break off the horn, grind it up, snort it.

Okay, let's keep talking. Yeah.

Fake Eleanor, a word?

It's just me, man. You can just say Eleanor.

Sorry. It just makes things easier. — she sighs

look, I'm not even sure how it would work for you to stay here

now that we know there's a real Eleanor.

But in the meantime, stay on your toes.

Don't let Trevor get inside your head.

Can I ask you something?

Why are you helping me?

Well, chidi made a very good argument on your behalf.

But it's more than that.

I truly believe that the good place is where you belong.

You're part of our team.

Hi, you must be the new student, Eleanor shellstrop.

I'm Gloria, the senior class secretary.

Cool.

Welcome to adobe high, home of the “scorpioties!”

Half the school wanted to be the scorpions

half wanted to be the coyotes, so we compromised.

Why don't I give you a tour after lunch?

Yeah, no thanks “mop—top.”

Uh... sorry?

Don't need your help, don't want to sign your yearbook in, like, gel pen

don't wanna bedazzle our college essays, or whatever.

I'm here for like six months

and I'm gonna fly solo.

Beat it, Gloria.

She is like such a dork. She, like, loves this school so much.

Why don't you come sit with us?

We'll teach you which guys are cute, and which teachers are secretly “pervs.”

Yeah, that's a hard pass as well.

I don't want to get chunky highlights, make fun of nerds

and steal your mom's flavored vodka.

I get your whole "mean girl" thing, and I'm all set with it, thanks.

In fact...

Loud echoing noises

listen up, everyone!

I'm Eleanor, I'm new here

and as a blanket statement for everyone

I don't want to be a part of whatever little group you've formed

because they're all equally lame.

Everybody cool? Great.

Hey. It was really cool the way you told all these poseurs...

No!

Tahani? Do you have a moment?

Oh, Michael. Of course, come in.

If I'm going to save fake Eleanor, I need some help negotiating.

I don't even know what to offer.

I mean, what do you get somebody who wants to eat a unicorn?

A unicorn bib! Yes! No. No.

Unicorn holders, you know, like corn holders, but for unicorns.

But perhaps it'd be better if we just move away from the unicorn thing altogether.

No, you're right. You're right. And anyway there's a bigger problem.

The bad place crew, they're all terrible bullies, and they outnumber me.

They even have their own bad Janet.

I'll show you. Bad Janet? — what?

Bad Janet, where's the nearest café?

Oh, that's a good question

it's up your mom's butt, you fat dink.

She laughs bluh—bluh—bluh—bluh.

That's you, Michael. Okay, that's what you sound like.

Do you hear yourself? Do you hear him?

It's gross. What is wrong with you?

What is even the purpose of a Janet who behaves in such a manner?

Unclear. But the point is

I never have to deal with negative emotion of any sort.

I could use some backup, tahani.

Oh, Michael, of course.

Why don't you just bring them all here.

Surely this magnificent house will placate them?

Oh, thank you. I'll be right...

Oh, tahani, you... you eat junk food?

Oh, uh... it's my cheat day.

Well, you're already dead so go nuts, right?

Yes.

Eleanor: Well, here's your house!

It's beautiful. I love Icelandic primitive design.

I kinda wish it had a clown nook. Oh! There it is!

Here's the bedroom. It's kinda hard to get up on this dumb ledge, though.

Beep

you have got to be forking kidding me.

Hey! Fake Eleanor, we used this same clown painting

to decorate the room you were supposed to live in down there!

I swear to bieber!

Wait, what was your house like?

Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare.

Every day was basically one endless baby shower, for a woman I didn't know

but also somehow I had to organise it?

And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.

Yep, that was my pitch.

And then at night, it was pretty classic torture

flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv

and there was always jazz music playing.

Ugh, I hate jazz!

Every jazz song is forty minutes long.

It's like, we get it, you can blow on a trumpet

wrap it up, Elton John!

Famously a piano player.

I don't mean to be a bother

but could I possibly get some water

and whatever food doesn't turn to spiders in your mouth?

Oh! Of course, so sorry. Let's get some dinner.

Yeah, we'll all go!

Perfect double date — two losers, a trash bag, and a demon.

Let's hit it!

He groans and laughs

all right, Michael, we're going to ply them with delicious food and drink

and then we're going to subtly segue into negotiation.

They're sure to be in a good mood. Everything is absolutely beautiful.

This sucks, dude.

Yeah, this food uh... blows. Yo, good Janet!

Hi there!

Oh. Get me some jalapeño poppers. — sure.

Quick question, what is a "jalapeño?"

Also, what is a "poppers?" Also, what is "jalapeño poppers?"

Oops! Sorry, guys. In the confusion, Janet got rebooted

so she hasn't quite uploaded all of the info she usually knows.

They laugh

that's hilarious. She's almost as stupid as people!

Oh! Hey, now, come on. Let's not insult people, please.

Ugh. You have such a “stiffy” for human beings.

"I'm Michael, I love idiot humans!" He laughs mockingly

they laugh

I gotta admit, that does sound like me.

"I gotta admit, that does sound like me!"

Nailed it again! — they laugh

go get me a drink. — yes, of course.

Ah, man, this is gonna make a primo dump later on.

Well, that looks delicious. What is that?

It's Tom yum gong soup.

It reminds me of when I was in Thailand, rescuing victims of human trafficking.

Oh, that sounds so good! I mean, the soup, not the human trafficking.

I think your grilled eggplant looks so good.

Should we... — both: “Splitsies!”

She laughs

I can't believe you thought you could pretend to be real Eleanor.

She's like a perfect ball of light, and you're like a wet pile of mulch.

Someone made a person out of wet mulch and leaves

and dead slugs, and that's you.

Whatever. It's easy when you're just born perfect.

My parents were both “dirtbags” who split up when I was eight.

I don't mean to eavesdrop

but did you say your parents got a divorce?

Yeah, and that kind of thing really changes a person.

I mean, that trauma, it can explain away a lot of behaviour.

Oh, of course.

Your parents are still together, I guess?

Oh, actually, I'm not sure. I never met my birth parents.

They put me in an empty fish tank

and abandoned me at a train station in Bangladesh.

Luckily, I was found and adopted by a very nice couple — the shellstrops.

Oh, thank god.

But then they died when I was four — bird flu.

That's awful. — oh, no, it wasn't that bad.

Another orphan taught me how to read and write.

Although when I was nine I found out she'd taught me a gibberish language as a prank.

So I had to relearn everything from “snorf.” sorry, scratch.

Still a few gaps in my language acquisition.

Anyway, the orphanage burned down, “yadda—yadda—yadda”

made my way to america, “yadda—yadda—yadda”

learned English from watching Seinfeld

put myself through law school, and here I am!

Huh. I'm sorry, what is it you said happened to you?

The same thing that happens to half of all kids in america?

He laughs

and for you to have gone through all that

and to end up where you did, it is just...

It's just amazing.

Oh man, these “horndogs” are vibing like “mofos!”

Am I right, fake Eleanor? — please stop calling me that.

Oh, you got it, third wheel.

Yeah, that wine's no good I'm sending it back.

Hey, Janet!

You look sad.

People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.

That was my whole life on earth.

You know, it doesn't matter if you know things

all that matters is what's in your heart.

Thanks, jianyu.

I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system

and I don't have a heart, but thanks.

Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions

but can I ask you a question?

Sure. — what are "jalapeño poppers?"

Oh! I know this one!

Okay. They're deep fried jalapefios filled with cheese.

One time, at a buffalo wild wings in Jacksonville

the nice one, not the one above the gas station

I ate fifty of them in two minutes.

Everyone at the hospital was so impressed!

Got it! Thanks, jianyu!

You're welcome!

Why did you do that?

Because you're the only person here that's nice to me.

Okay.

Anyone up for a little icebreaker?

You know, I once did trust fails with Barry diller

and it was the beginning of a lifelong friendship.

And then, once we trust each other

then we can discuss making a deal for fake Eleanor.

This sucks! How do you guys eat without listening to hard—core porn?

Oh, come on, this is the good place. You can do anything you want!

What about throwing a “rager” and totally trashing this place?

Ooh! Yeah, I'd be into that.

We could totally go to town.

You know, I actually don't think that's such a good idea.

Let's party!

♪ Who let the dogs out! ♪

Oh my god!

♪ Who—who—who—who—who, who let the dogs out! Who—who—who. ♪

Real Eleanor: So, um...

Chidi tells me that he's teaching you about ethics.

Yeah. Actually, we've had some interesting and in—depth classes.

He taught me about Plato and socrates...

Yeah, cool, shut up. Let's cut to the chase, here.

You two go to “poundtown?”

“Poundtown,” bro! You two bang it out? She “hot for teach'?”

Did you pork the dork? Come on, girl, dish me “dem dirty deets!”

I assure you, our relationship was "teacher—student". Nothing more.

Chidi, you don't have to explain anything to me.

Whatever happened before I arrived is none of my business.

Hey, I'd love to see the rest of the neighborhood.

Yes, it's incredible. There's an amazing library

there's a beautiful, piranha—free lake. — she laughs

well, please show me everything. You ready, Eleanor?

I've seen it all already. You guys go ahead.

You'd rather be alone, with him?

Fire in the hole. Watch your heads, ladies.

My dudes tend to boomerang around the room.

Yeah. I mean, I don't need to walk around and nerd out about old books.

I'm good.

Okay.

Hey, a bunch of us are gonna go see "spider—man 2" tonight.

Do you wanna come?

They made a second spider—man?

What is there left to say? Sure, whatever, I'm in.

Cool. I'll get tickets for the eight of us, and you can just pay me back in cash.

So you can get all the points on your credit card

and the rest of us get screwed? No way!

No, it's just so we can all get tickets before they sell out.

Do you want to buy them?

So you guys can never pay me back and I'll be out 80 bucks?

Nice try! I'll buy my own ticket.

The rest of the group can do whatever they want.

Where did she end up?

Bought it with points, baby! My points!

I think I need to find a new place to live.

Dance music

no, no, no. Don't. Don't. All right.

Want a bump?

No, thank you. I don't use cocaine.

Oh, it's not cocaine, idiot. We're snorting time.

Sorry, you're sorting the concept of time?

Yeah, it'll fork you up.

Yo, monk dude. You know how to tap a keg?

Karaoke time!

Dana baby, what do you want to do?

Okay, a Mussolini speech?

Ooh, the Mel Gibson rant — that's a classic.

Ooh let's do the Nixon tapes. That's my jam.

”What you always have to remember with the Irish is they get mean.

Virtually every lr/sh I've known gets mean when he drinks. ”

They groan — whoo!

Michael, tell them to stop!

Oh, I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't approve.

Hey, idiot! Dance!

You got it!

”It's about damn time that the Jew in america realises

he's an American first and a Jew second. ”

He laughs I lit him on fire and he never spoke again.

You know, maybe I'm not as great as real Eleanor

but I'm better than I used to be.

I'm medium good.

Why haven't you “forkers” invented a medium place?

Look, I know you've been trying to become a "better" person.

You didn't wanna get caught, I get it.

But I read your file. You don't belong here.

She spent her weekends breaking up dog fighting rings.

You once saw a meter maid writing you a ticket

and you barked like a dog until she ran away.

You burned every bridge. You cheated on tests.

You once said that your greatest accomplishment

was inventing a new kind of high school heavy petting.

She gasps

over—the—pants mouth stuff. That was a real game—changer.

Yeah, I am a fan.

I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the bad place.

I mean, don't get me wrong, you'll be miserable, we will torture you.

But you'll also be happier

because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere you don't belong.

Aight.

Let's go. — okay. Hold on, I have to ask.

Is this thing gonna happen? You and me?

Ew, no. Gross.

Okay. You know I had to ask, babe.

You know it's true. You know it's true. — no.

Oh! I called it. I called it. Did you guys go to “poundtown?”

Did it happen? Did it happen? — no, no.

We just walked through the sculpture garden

reciting our favourite baudelaire verses to each other.

Oh shut up. — how did you guys spend your night?

Oh, you know... just did a bunch of goldschlager shots with this demon.

Well, I'm sure everyone's tired.

I'm happy to sleep on the couch

and real Eleanor you can have the guest bedroom.

Oh, no, no. I am perfectly fine on the floor.

I've been sleeping on hot nails for so long, it'll be a real treat.

I'll take the couch, real Eleanor can take the master.

No. Trevor took the master. Oh, and he's naked.

Cool. She sighs

bit of an awkward “sitch” here

so you two lovebirds just do whatever

and I'm gonna go sleep in the bathtub.

Oh, that sounds very uncomfortable.

It's cool. You should see some of the places I've passed out drunk.

My friend and I once broke into Charles barkley's house

tried on all his giant shoes, woke up in the garage

snuck out through the doggie door and, you know what?

This story actually gets worse from there so I'm gonna turn in.

Good night.

Good night. — good night.

Oh... — there are stairs now.

Force of habit.

Oh, tahani, I'm so sorry. I will obviously clean all of this up.

I don't care about the house, Michael.

I'm just upset that you let them walk all over you.

I know.

They're the only thing in the universe that scares me.

I know what I have to do.

I just have to be more accommodating

offer them everything they want.

Give in to all of their demands, and then they'll have to respect me.

No! You need to stand up for yourself.

I'm going to tell you the same thing

I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo saverin.

You are smart. You are capable

and the time has come to hit "unfriend."

I also told Mark to lose the "the."

You know, just "Facebook." That was me.

Oh! Oh! My head!

Here. Drink this.

How am I hungover? I thought there were no hangovers here.

The bad place crew requested that the hangover filter be turned off.

They like them. — ugh. They are the worst.

Yes, they are.

So, Michael said we're meeting at tahani's place

in an hour for a negotiation session.

We'll walk over together?

You don't have to come, man. I'm good.

Just hang out with real Eleanor

and name constellations after each other, or whatever it is nerds do.

I'm fine on my own.

Eleanor. Just because we have a new guest in the house

doesn't mean I'm not still going to be there for you.

I'm in this. We're a team.

So, you've been temping for us for a year now

and we want to bring you aboard permanently.

We think you'd be a great addition to the team.

Yeah, no, uh... I'm good.

You're turning it down?

I just don't think I'm really one of you guys.

You're all obsessed with this place, man.

You love working here, and talking about working here

and you all hang out like some kind of cult.

We hang out after work because we're friends.

I know, it's weird!

If this is how you really feel, I think I have to fire you.

Severance pay? Love it.

Good looking out, boss!

Peace!

You need me to lie to old people

and scare them into buying fake allergy medicine, I get it, man.

Which one's my desk? — that one over there.

All you gotta do is hit your minimal sales target every week.

Cool. And you guys don't have any lame mandatory office hangouts, right?

Hell no.

Some people go for a drink after work

and I run the occasional group drill to see how fast we can shred evidence

but that's it. Most days you'll be able to avoid

even talking to another person here. — perfect.

Happy to be a part of the not—team!

It'll be a pleasure not hanging out with you.

Alright, let's begin negotiations.

Now we would like to discuss various trades that we could make.

We're not negotiating.

See, fake Eleanor and I, we “bro'd” down pretty hard last night.

We hooked up. — no we didn't!

Yeah, but who are they gonna believe, me or a woman?

They laugh

point is, she knows that she doesn't belong here, and she's giving up.

Is this true, fake Eleanor? Are you giving up?

Yeah, of course she is. She knows this place isn't for her.

Let's go, dingdong. Come on.

No. I'm not leaving.

Oh, come on, sweetheart, we've been through this.

You know you don't belong here.

You're right. I don't.

But I want to.

I used to never want to be a part of any group.

But I'm a different person now

because of the person who helped me.

And I want to be like him.

I want to be like all the people who are here.

You can, Eleanor!

Thanks, real Eleanor!

And I love that you never call me fake Eleanor.

You really are great.

Ugh. Unless you two are gonna make out, shut up.

Look, if you don't come with us

we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.

Oh! Oh, no! Um... Shawn? Really?

Wait, who's Shawn?

He's the wise, eternal judge, who sits on high

has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.

And his name is "Shawn?"

Okay, look. I don't want Shawn involved either.

So how about you blow us away with an offer so we can end this.

Okay.

Here's my offer.

You get nothing!

We're not letting fake Eleanor go, and we're not giving you anything.

Get 'em, Michael!

You can summon every evil creature you have

every weapon in your arsenal, every four—headed flying bear

they have them down there

but we are not giving up!

I believe that Eleanor belongs in the good place.

And if I'm wrong, you can take her to the bad place

and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her!

Gah! Easy, buddy. Easy.

But she's staying here.

Now, all of you

get the fork out of my neighbourhood.

He laughs you're on borrowed time, fake Eleanor.

Enjoy it while it lasts. Let's roll, dummies.

Dana: Let's get one drink for the road.

Alexis: Did you guys hear any of that?

Door closes — oh, my...

Tahani: Bravo, Michael! Really!

Hello, jianyu.

You got sloppy.

I found your junk food all over the house.

And then last night, you knew how to tap a keg.

So I thought I would come in here and investigate your little "meditation den"

and what I found was this.

Now, I don't know who you are

but I do know that you're not a Buddhist monk.

So let's chat, shall we?