Original subtitles

Door opens

Eleanor? Come on in.

Well, not often you get to confront your greatest failure face to face.

Good to see you too, bud.

I am just dumbfounded as to how this happened.

Our system has never made a mistake before.

It's just not possible.

And yet, here we are.

First things first.

Who are you? — well, my name is Eleanor shellstrop.

And some of the info you had was right.

I mean, "flattened by a boner pill truck

after dropping Margarita mix in grocery store parking lot"

that's a very "me" way to die.

But all the other info was wrong.

In my defence, when I first arrived and you said

"you, Eleanor shellstrop, are dead, and you're in the good place"

I had no reason to think that was a mistake.

Location and date of birth, please?

Phoenix, Arizona. October 14th, 1986.

So, sorry, that's what I used to tell people when I lied about my age.

I was born in 1982.

You lied so much you forgot your own birthdate.

Not a great start.

But it should be enough for Janet to locate your file.

Janet? — Janet beeps

Janet? — what's that? What's that?

Janet gasps: What's this?

Her memory's still being rebooted because

oh, you know someone murdered her.

Janet, could you please locate the file for an Eleanor shellstrop

born in 1982. — yes.

Phoenix, Arizona, usa.

Sure! Anything else?

No, Janet, this is actually a cactus.

This might take a while. — Janet: Wee!

Since Janet can't retrieve your file, I need to find another way

to determine what kind of person you were.

This is a quick litmus test.

A handful of questions

designed to tell whether you were fundamentally good or bad.

Question number one.

Did you ever wrongfully slaughter your kinsman's yak?

Oh, sorry. This is the nomadic Mongolian edition.

I need to grab the north American.

Yep, here we go.

Question number one. Did you ever commit a serious crime

such as murder, sexual harassment

arson, or otherwise? — no.

Did you ever have a vanity license plate like "mama's BMW," "lexus4liz"

or "boobguy?" — no.

Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?

Ew... no. — have you ever paid money

to hear music performed by California funk rock band

"the red hot chili peppers?"

No. — where you ever a waiter

and when seeing a customer who had eaten all his or her food

you said sarcastically, "I guess you hated it?"

No. — Michael: Have you ever used the word hubby?

Or referred to the department store target as "tarjay"?

No.

Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?

And socks? Ew. Who would do that?

People who go to the bad place, Eleanor, that's the point.

The bad place is every bit as awful as the good place is good.

And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here

you will spend eternity

with murderers and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes

and socks on commercial airlines.

Clears throat: Janet, can I have a glass of water, please?

Janet beeps — here you go!

Oh, gosh! You said "water"?

Yeah. — I'm so sorry. There you go.

Eleanor sighs

I really do have sympathy for your situation.

I mean, you thought your soulmate was a good person

and then you learned that she's just an immoral grifter.

Tahani, please. — am I wrong? She lied to everyone.

She caused a giant sinkhole, into which poor Glenn fell.

She caused a trash storm. She...

Well, she pretended to be my friend

when I really needed one.

And lest we forget, she murdered Janet!

As far as I'm concerned, the sooner she's gone

the better off we'll all be.

I... I understand that Eleanor violated our trust.

But please

when you're talking to Michael

try to think about what she's had to go through.

All right. I will, for you.

But we've been through a lot as well.

You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor

was rudely upstaged by my other friend kanye

who was defending my best friend Beyoncé.

And finally, a multi—part question.

Did you ever appear on the American television programme

"the bachelor," or its companion shows

"the bachelorette" and "bachelor in paradise"

or work on them in any capacity

or post on any social media site that you were

emotionally invested in any of the "relationships"

the contestants were pursuing? — no.

Ok! You did very well on the questionnaire, Eleanor.

So far, so good.

Janet beeps — Michael? Good news.

I was able to obtain Eleanor shellstrop's file.

Would you like to see it? — yes, Janet, I would.

But, first... — Michael sighs

is it actually a cactus?

I don't understand.

I want to see the file for Eleanor shellstrop.

Is that what you have? Or do you have a cactus?

I have the file. — you're sure.

You have the file, and not a cactus. — that is correct.

I have Eleanor shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.

Excellent. Please give me the file. — here you go!

Thank you, Janet. — you're welcome!

Janet beeps

well, I say we call it a day.

I mean, I nailed the questionnaire

and you're swimming in cacti.

Can't we just chalk this up to a hilarious mistake, and move on?

No, we can't, Eleanor.

There's no such thing as a mistake, in this realm.

And yet you are, somehow, a mistake.

I mean you're a giant chunk of spinach in the teeth of the universe.

I need to understand every facet of this disaster.

Tell me a lie about yourself.

Any lie. — I love the opera.

Box buzzes

and now a truth. — I love women's MMA.

Box peeps

we don't like to use this.

We've never really had a call for it, before you.

But in the interest of time, Eleanor...

Did you murder Janet?

No, I did not. — box peeps

do you know who did? — yes.

Will you tell me who it was? — no.

Box peeps

I assume it was one of your friends, and I admire you for protecting him or her.

But, Eleanor, in the good place, there's no room for bad people

or bad actions, so anyone involved in the murder of Janet

will be reviewed and judged.

And there will be consequences.

Tahani? Come on in.

Chidi.

Imposter who soiled our paradise with her moral turpitude.

What's up?

Thank you for confessing.

I don't know what I would have done

if you hadn't. — yeah, yeah, I'm amazing.

Bad news. Michael knows I didn't kill Janet

which means it's only a matter of time before he finds out that you did.

And that you did it because you were trying to stop

bonehead Jones over here. — hey, homies!

Then he'll figure out that jianyu's also a phony

and here's the real dongbuster

Michael said anybody who did anything bad might have to go...

Oh! — which means jianyu's gone

you might be gone

and all three of us are royally forking forked.

So now I might get sent to the bad place?

This is terrible! What am I supposed to do if he asks me?

I don't know. Kant would say...

That lying in any scenario is wrong

so if Michael asks if you killed Janet, you should say "yes".

On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.

That is true. I read that once

on the back of my boy peanut's tricep.

And you just casually cited immanuel kant.

I mean I know we're in a miserable bind here, but

this might be the proudest day of my life.

No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.

Tahani. I'll get right to the crux of the matter.

Did you murder Janet? — absolutely not!

Box peeps

now you've spent a lot of time with Eleanor.

Why do you think that is?

Well, people are just drawn to me.

You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy

but he found my presence so comforting

that he asked me to co—host his TV show, "Anderson Cooper 360".

Box peeps — given what you learned about Eleanor

do you think she deserves to be here?

Well...

You know if it were up to me, I might find a way to look past her, um...

Deficiencies.

But it's not up to me, is it?

There are some criteria that she unfortunately just

didn't meet in her time on earth.

So you think that I should send her to the bad place?

Well, I didn't say that.

But is her staying here unfair to those who earned their place?

It sounds like you want her to leave.

Well, is it not she who wants us to leave her?

Thank you, tahani, you've been a big help. — box buzzes

listen up, genius.

He's gonna call you in there, in a second.

Don't worry, I got you.

I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul an hella ethics.

And he'll be all, "thanks, jianyu".

"You just freaked my being for real".

Oh, boy. No. Don't say any of that.

Michael has a lie detector in there.

It's, uh... it's a glowing cube.

Like the all—spark?

From transformers? — sure.

Uh, just like the all—spark, from transformers and...

And he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything, so...

Only "smiles and nods," got it?

Door opens

jianyu, come on in.

Eleanor sighs — door closes

wise, sage, centered jianyu.

I seek your wisdom in this moment of crisis.

Michael sighs

what to do with Eleanor? Should I let her stay?

Should I send her away?

You think I should send her away?

No, I should let her stay?

Or "no, I shouldn't let her stay, because she doesn't belong here?"

Or, "no, I shouldn't let her stay, even though she does belong here?"

Oh, jianyu, I wish I had your wisdom.

Your devotion to the noble truths has given you something that I don't have...

Clarity.

It was Buddha who said

"if a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him."

I'm not a man

and I've lived no "life"

so will this destroy me?

Ouch!

Ch, of course.

A cactus on its own intends no harm

it's only when we interfere that it becomes dangerous.

I need to remember my own agency here.

Oh, thank you, jianyu.

You're free to go.

Oh. Yes, of course, help yourself.

I've got plenty of those.

Chidi? Come on in.

Janet beeps — hi there! I have Eleanor's file.

Janet, if you hand me a cactus I swear I will lose my mind.

Oh! Yes! All right! Here we go.

Eleanor, come back in. Chidi, you stay here.

This file contains a list of every good and bad thing you ever did.

It's your entire life told through a compendium of all of your actions.

Nope. It's a picture of a cactus...

Dozens and dozens and dozens of pictures of the same cactus.

Oh, no, wait. Here we go.

Well, it's incomplete but...

There appear to be some references to the highest impact events from your life.

That's the, uh... biggest positive and negative point swings.

So, "little Julie?" Now who's that?

Julie is my cousin's daughter.

Her mom is kind of a mess, so I used to take her to the mall sometimes

and bought her churro dogs.

It's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros

and it's tied together with a slim Jim.

It's an Arizona delicacy. — oh, sounds awful

but it's very nice that you made that girl happy.

So. What's this?

Cool thredz

glendale Arizona's premiere t—shirt emporium?"

Uh... can we skip around and... And circle back?

How about I tell you more about those churro dogs?

They came with unlimited ranch dressing. — let's hear about the t—shirts, please.

Eleanor soueals

okay. I'll tell you, and I'm going to be one hundred percent honest.

But it doesn't make me look great so don't judge me.

That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

Okay. To understand this, you have to know about my roommate, Madison.

She was terrible. — Eleanor: Hey, mads?

Um, I have to go to this stupid work party tonight.

Can I borrow your peach dress?

Ooh, it's a hard no, babe.

That dress is like twice your salary.

And I gotta go to the dmv and pick up my vanity plates. Ciao, bitches!

Door closes

Dress rips

Well, that's... that's not great.

But I assume you confessed, and paid to fix it?

Not exactly.

Hey, losers, I'm going out. Can you zip me?

Dude, that dress is hella ripped.

What? — Brittany laughs

ugh! That stupid dry cleaner!

Well, that's the risk you take when you keep your clothes clean.

My mom's a lawyer. Those asswipes are gonna pay.

She sued for nine hundred dollars, for the dress

and eighty million dollars in emotional distress.

The legal fees drove the dry cleaner out of business.

Oh, boy. Wait, this story is about t—shirts.

There's more, isn't there?

A little.

Check this out.

Somebody put the dry cleaner's story online and it went viral.

Madison's famous.

The "dress bitch"? Yikes.

Serves her right. Madison is psycho.

She totally overreacted.

This is her fault. — yeah. Her fault. That works.

You guys, what is happening?

Someone egged my Lexus!

And I have like forty thousand tweets calling me the "dress bitch"!

Over a loser dry cleaner man?

Why is everyone so jealous of me?

This is a trash city full of idiots!

Brittany laughs

the "dress bitch" is so catchy. — yeah.

I mean someone could totally make t—shirts.

Oh!

No, no, no, no.

Do not tell me that you made t—shirts that said that

and then sold them for a profit.

I wish I could tell you that, bud.

Eleanor sighs I really do.

Girl, check it out! They're here!

Wait a second. Is this insane?

I mean should we be doing this?

Dude! Madison brought this on herself, okay.

She's a nightmare of a person, to everybody.

Plus we already have a ton of pre—orders.

Here is your first cut of the profits!

Holy mama!

I can't believe you sold the t—shirts.

Does it help if they basically sold themselves?

I think you know it does not.

What did you do with the money?

I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that.

Thanks, babe!

Next question!

Eleanor.

Given what you know about the people who've been brought here

the lives they've lead.

Do you think you belong in the good place?

No. I don't. — box peeps

Trevor: Hello? Bad place. What's up, idiot?

Hello. This is Michael, the architect from neighbourhood one—two...

Trevor: Psyche! We 're not here right now, so leave a message after the beep.

I hate calling these guys.

Hello, uh... this is Michael

the architect from neighbourho—— — double psyche! We are here.

Who dis?

This is Michael

the architect from good place neighbourhood 1—2—3—5—8—w.

I'm guessing you've been looking for someone...

Called "Eleanor shellstrop".

She's here. Come and get her.

Steam hisses — brakes squeal

train whistle sounds

indistinct chatter

Woman: Let's get out of here

Hello, Trevor.

Hey, there he is! Good to see you again, Mikey!

Think fast, I brought you something.

Oh. Nuts! Thank you.

Thank you. Ah! Wha——?

Bad place people laugh

oh, flaming snake ate all the nuts you brought me.

Ugh. You're too nice to humiliate.

Oh, hello. Hi.

You look like a piece of crap. Are you Eleanor?

Dude, you're like a legend in the bad place.

Check this out! Huh?

Bad place people: Dress bitch!

Pretty great, right?

Trevor, do you know what caused this mistake? Because I cannot figure it out.

Nah, we're stumped. But, uh... don't sweat it, champ!

She's definitely one of ours. So we'll just roll on out

and you can get back to, uh...

Putting rainbows up your butt, or whatever you do here.

Okay, let's hit it, sweetheart.

We got along ride.

What? Right now?

Trevor, for decency's sake

let her have some goodbyes.

Ugh! God, good people are the worst.

Okay, uh... thirty minutes.

We gotta get back for "the bachelor".

I'm gonna be pissed if I miss the Rose ceremony.

I just want to say once more, for the record

that this whole "good—bad" system is bullshirt.

There should be a medium place, for people like me

who kinda sucked, but in like a fun, chill way.

I agree. I'm sorry there isn't.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this, and that I never did laundry

and that I waited until you were about to do yours

then secretly tossed mine into the basket to trick you into doing it.

You didn't trick me. I repeatedly asked you to stop.

Just know you did everything you could to help me.

You're a really good fake soulmate.

Knocks on the door — door opens

what are you guys doing here?

Well, we thought it was only proper to see you off.

It's the neighbourly thing to do.

You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.

Well, I suppose some part of me, possibly

has a sense of casual kinship with you

as much as one might be fond of a street cat.

Thanks, tahanl

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm really glad we're friends.

Oh! Goodbye forever.

Jianyu.

Eleanor sighs

tahani: Jianyu keeps such a stoic face.

I just hope he sends her off with some sustaining wisdom.

I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you walk away.

I really needed to hear that. Thanks.

Oh, hey dum—dum! You ready to go?

Oh. You must be chidi.

Trying to improve her?

Bold plan, bro.

Bold and stupid. My favourite combo.

Well, actually, she learned a great deal

in a very short amount of time. — oh, really? Really?

I don't care. All right, let's hit it.

Oh, also you should smile more.

You have such a pretty smile. Love ya, babe.

Can't wait to torture you.

This is the 3:18 to the bad place

making thousands of stops for literally no reason.

Now as soon as you take your seats we will pull away from the station

and then immediately be delayed for forty—nine minutes

and not explain why.

You'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter

every time you think about how hot it is.

Oops! You just thought about it.

Michael! — oh, hi, chidi.

Want some pizza?

Bad place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office.

All Hawaiian, the worst pizza. — Michael, I murdered Janet.

I knew about Eleanor, from the beginning.

I've been trying to help her become a better person

and when she found out that your "retirement" meant

that you would be tortured

she immediately tried to find a way to prevent it.

Which is why I ended up murdering Janet.

The point is, Eleanor is learning.

She's just doing it after she died.

And you did bring her here so, in many ways, this is your fault.

Yes. Jianyu actually made that same point.

He did? — mmm.

Okay, look... I... I know you only deal in black or white

good or bad.

But you said it yourself, this situation is...

Unprecedented.

I did enjoy her company.

But this is not little league.

There is no award for most improved player, chidi.

Well, maybe there should be.

One final note

the dining car is at the very back of the train.

It serves only room temperature Manhattan clam chowder

and also it's closed.

Okay! Here we go!

Steam hisses

Michael: Stop this train! — train squeals to a halt

dude, what the fork?

You're not leaving.

Not with her. Not yet. Come on.

Wait, you want to keep her?

Bro, that's our girl! We agreed on this!

No, what we agreed on was that this was a mistake.

Trevor, we're in uncharted territory here.

Until we can sort this out, she stays with us.

All right, fine.

But until this is resolved, we're keeping the other Eleanor.

Fine. What? I'm sorry.

The other Eleanor? Yeah, the real Eleanor.

The one that was supposed to be here, but got sent down to us instead.

She's on the train.

Eleanor! Come on out!

Hi, everyone. I'm Eleanor shellstrop.