Original subtitles

There's no escaping it.

The problem...

Is me.

Everyone gasps — and now...

I have to leave you.

Forever. — chidi: Michael...

You can't be the problem.

Oh, but I am.

You see, architects aren't supposed to live

in the neighbourhoods they design.

But I love humans so I wanted to try.

I took something great and I ruined it a little so I could enjoy it more.

I "frozen—yoghurted" the neighbourhood.

My meddling is the one true constant in all of our disasters.

I tried to force jianyu into opening up, which caused a sinkhole to open up.

I kicked a puppy into the sun, and garbage rained down.

I grossly underestimated the number of shrimp needed

for the opening night party

and what flew through the sky the next day, taunting me for my failures?

Michael: I'm sorry, everyone, I'm truly sorry.

Janet? — Janet beeps

please call a train to escort me into retirement.

You see, the only way in and out of a neighbourhood

is by train and Janet is the only one who can operate them.

Oh, my dear Janet. Will you be okay after I leave?

Yes. This will not affect me in any way.

Geez, show some compassion!

Well, I can't feel "sad" but here's my best approximation of human crying.

Bah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah!

Ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah—ah!

Oh, Janet. That was beautiful. — yeah.

What did you say to him? Did you make him do this, somehow?

Nope! This was entirely his idea.

Dude, this is good news.

Michael's gonna get a chill retirement which, frankly, he desperately needs

and I can finally relax.

It's forking perfect! — no, it's terrible.

Michael's wrong, he's not the problem.

Well, Michael did bring me here

which was the mistake that led to all the other problems

so in that sense he is the real problem.

Ha! How do you like them ethics?

I just "ethics—ed" you in the face, chidi!

It doesn't change the fact that we weren't truthful.

There's an old Chinese proverb "lies are like tigers, they are bad."

That's it? — It's more poetic in mandarin.

Look. Michael is retiring.

He's gonna be on an angel boat somewhere smoking moonbeam cigars.

Now, tahani is throwing him a goodbye party. Let's go help out.

Sure, that will more than make up for the pain and misery and lying.

Yes! Now you're getting it!

Hey, chidi! Just read your article on logical positivism, so dry.

Oh, thanks, Henry.

Whoa. New boots?

Oh! Yeah!

Just got 'em. Saw them in the store and I was just like, "whoa!"

And tell the truth. Do you like them?

Oh.

Oh, yeah. — yeah? You think so?

They're... they are really cool.

Not too red? — no.

Crystals are not too much.

Crystals are not too much. — they point just right, right?

Just... just enough. — just fine. Ha!

Well, that makes me feel so much better. 'Cause I was really going back and forth

over whether they were worth the money.

They were super expensive.

Yeah. Well, they're, uh... amazing.

I mean those are the coolest boots I've ever seen in my life.

Thanks so much, buddy. — bye.

A bell tolls

my god. What have I done.

Tonight needs to be the perfect blend

of celebratory, reverential

bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless.

This is hashtag "tahani time"!

What is all this?

Oh, no! Michael, you're not supposed to see it until it's all set up.

But, well...

Welcome to your retirement party!

Look over there. I've even set up a buffet of themed desserts, like

retire—mint chocolate cake... Or a "flan voyage!"

Oh, boy. — oh...

And here we have a pinata shaped like you, which is always fun.

By the way, what's your favourite colour, for the tablecloths?

Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss."

Could you describe it?

It's the colour of... — Michael sighs

when a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.

Hmm. How about blue?

Tahani, I'm so sorry. We need to cancel this party, immediately.

But why?

For a being like me, "retirement" is not something "fun."

What is "retirement," for you, exactly?

Well, I wasn't going to share this, so as not to upset you

but it's an extreme form of punishment.

We call it "the eternal shriek."

My soul will be disintegrated

and each molecule be placed on the surface of a different burning sun.

And then my...

My "essence" will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle,

and poured over hot diamonds.

Oh, but, the diamonds sound lovely. — they're not.

Chidi groans — and then what's left of my body

will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...

Like a pinata. — yes.

Except you have the string around my waist

but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.

What? — oh, Michael...

I'm so sorry. I was just trying to honour you.

Please allow me to reconceive the event.

Of course.

All right, everyone! We're starting over!

The keyword for tonight is just "sombre."

Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to get rid of all the party poppers

immediately.

No. No. Not by using them!

No, jianyu. Stop it. Darling.

Eleanor: He's gonna be tortured? Dang it.

I was almost handed a perfect solution to all my problems

without having to work for it at all, and now it's gone.

Eleanor sighs: Why do bad things always happen

to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?

Okay, you have two options. You can confess, and save Michael.

Or you can continue to lie and condemn him to an eternity of unimaginable pain.

Or option "c", continue to lie about myself

and find a way to save Michael.

Can we somehow throw tahani under the bus?

That would be a classic two birds with one stone scenario.

Plus I'll get her house. Three birds.

No. There's no way to stop this except confessing.

Any moment now Michael is going to get on that train and we will never see him again.

Just like professor lindeman

after I asked him to re—read my thirty—six hundred—page manuscript.

He said he was going out for cigarettes

but then he just left his tenured position at the sorbonne.

Great story. Janet?

Janet beeps — hi there!

Hi. So, the only way out of the neighbourhood is a train?

That's correct. I am the only one who can call the train

and it needs me to operate.

Choo—choo! Janetlaughs

one more question and, um... This is a little weird, but...

Can we, uh... shut you down?

Yes. Great question.

There is a kill switch in a remote sector of the neighbourhood

in the event that I malfunction and attempt to harm the residents.

If you press it, I will be destroyed.

Anything else? — no, that's good. Thanks.

Okay. — whoa. Wait. You want to kill Janet?

Michael can't retire if he can't leave.

He can't leave if there's no Janet to run the train.

It's a perfect solution.

Eleanor sighs — Janet, high—five please?

Janet beeps — thanks, babe.

Janet beeps

you cannot kill Janet!

"Killing" is one of the most famous...

Moral no—nos.

Janet is a non—human object who was sent here to help us.

And the way she can help us is if we kill her.

We're doing one, small, "murder—y" thing for a bigger, better reason.

The ends justify the means.

Do you know who said that? — was it someone nice and great

like Oprah?

It was machiavelli, a very non—oprah—like figure.

And what happens after we kill her? We'll have to lie

to everyone, about what we did.

And lying is always wrong.

Chidi groans

why? Why would I tell Henry that I liked his boots?

I don't like his boots. I hate his boots.

Yes, I know, you've talked about it for the last two days.

I lied to him.

Allesandra sighs — you wrote your thesis on kant.

He believed that lying is always morally wrong, no exceptions.

Yes, well, kant was a lonely obsessive hermit with zero friends.

Sometimes we do things just to be polite.

If you really feel that strongly about it — chidi sighs

tell him the truth.

Also, I don't care, because it's the middle of the night.

Allesandra sighs

this is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.

They do?

Hey, chidi. Sit in on my class today? — uh, I... I did, yeah.

Great lecture, by the way, so bleak. — thanks, bud!

Oh, it's actually perfect that you are here. I got something for you.

Oh, my god! — you loved mine so much

I decided to get you your own pair.

We can be boot brothers!

Wow. I... I can't accept these. They're too expensive.

Sure you can. Try 'em on, mate.

The fact that you liked mine so much

really made me fee like I made the right choice to buy them.

After all, why should I have all the fun and boots, aye?

I... I... I don't know.

Those look great.

Take 'em for a spin.

Chidi groans — you're flying.

Chidi groans — thanks!

Tahani: Speeches! Time for speeches, everyone!

Michael?

Hmm? — as someone who didn't exactly have

the steadiest parental guidance

I just want to thank you. You were always there for us.

I shouldn't have been, that was the problem.

Yes, but, it was also great when you weren't there.

Don't worry, soon I won't be, forever.

Because of the eternal shriek!

Yes, thank you Glenn.

Look, what I'm trying to say is this...

Michael, you always kept us warm and safe

like a bright glowing sun.

Like the one I kicked the dog into

or the one I'm going to be burned on the surface of for eternity?

Okay, no more speeches! Speeches are over!

Michael's going to talk now.

Michael sighs — oh, I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just...

I'm sad that I have to leave before doing all the human things

that I wanted to do.

I wanted to get my hair wet. You know, I...

I wanted to pull a hamstring, to learn the difference between

"toward" and "towards".

I wanted to do that thing where you walk down the hallway

and someone else is walking the other way, and then you both lean to one side

and then the other, and then you both chuckle over your shared foible.

Antonio laughs — Michael: I wanted to get a rewards card

any rewards card.

I... I wanted to talk briefly to someone, and then say

"take it sleazy."

I wanted to eat a saltine.

Oh, I actually have some saltines! Here, try this.

Michael crunches

pretty dry...

And too salty.

Well, going out on a real low note, here.

Okay, bye, everyone.

Well, take it sleazy!

You got to say it?

Yes, but then you say it back.

No, it's not organic.

Janet, how many "Janets" have there been?

There have been twenty—five generations ofjanet

each new update of Janet gains more wisdom and social abilities.

Fun fact, the first Janet had a click wheel.

So, it's like aging, for a human.

You're... you're growing up.

That's how I like to think of it, chidi.

I can't eat, so every time there's a new version of Janet

I like to take a piece of birthday cake

and smash it around where my mouth is.

Janet has... has learned and grown, she's essentially living a life.

We can't kill her. — not with that attitude we can't.

Listen man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her.

Pay it forward!

Uh, no... that's not what that means, at all. Eleanor!

Here we are!

Just press that button, and it's "goodbye, Janet!"

Chidi groans

chidi, I can see that you're worried and I just want to assure you

I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.

Thank you. That helps.

However, I should warn you I am programmed with a fail—safe measure.

As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life.

It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.

Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?

Oh, uh, I...

I think I have to. Being a bystander seems worse, somehow.

Chidi sighs

okay, here we go.

Chidi, no, no, no. Chidi, please, please

please don't hurt me. I don't want to die!

Please, please... — chidi screams

again, I am not human. I can't die.

I am simply an anthropomorphised vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.

Your pleading seems so real! — Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail—safe.

Ugh. You want a robot killed right you have to do it yourself.

Eleanor, Eleanor, no, no, no, please, wait, wait, wait

Eleanor, I have kids.

I have three beautiful children Tyler, Emma, and little, tiny, baby Phillip.

Look at Tyler, Tyler has asthma, but he is battling it like a champ!

Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them.

Look at them!

Look at them! — Eleanor screams

ah! It's so realistic! — Eleanor, again, I am not human.

This is a stock photo of the crowd

at the nickelodeon kids choice awards.

Eleanor sighs — that's right.

It's not real. Let's just do this. — right.

Please, I have so much to live for! No, no, no!

What? We're... we're not even near the... — hey guys, what's going on?

That party was lame, so I bailed. Then I saw you, so I followed you here.

Oh, look, a button! — no, don't no!

No, don't.

Power turns off

power thuds to a stop — Janet crashes to the ground

aw, man! I wanted to push that button!

Not cool, dude.

Whoa, what happened to Janet?

She's... she's dead. I... I... I killed her.

Not killed. Remember, Janet was not a living being

so she can't be killed.

Janet on screen: Attention. I have been murdered.

Attention, I have been murdered.

Attention, I have been murdered.

Attention, I have been murdered.

What do we do, Eleanor?

What do we do? Chidi, you just murdered Janet!

We have to flee your crime scene. Run!

Janet repeats her warning many times — sorry, Janet.

Janet on screen: Attention, I have been murdered.

Okay, dude, crash course in getting away with bad stuff.

You have to act calm and cool, like you don't have a care in the world.

Chidi: Mm—hmm. — okay? Great.

Oh, wow, look, its "weekend at Bernie's"

use you're a dead guy in sunglasses.

Eleanor laughs — we have fun, don't we, chidi?

I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

I know what you need. — Janet, can you get chidi some weed?

Oh, that's right, you killed Janet!

Search—party! Follow me to the site of the alarm.

We will not rest until we avenge the brutal murder of our trusted sister!

Crowd shouts: Yeah!

Chidi cheers weakly: Yay.

Janet's arm thuds

poor Janet. We must give her a proper send—off.

I would be honoured to help plan Janet's funeral.

Oh, tahani, are you sure? I don't mean to add insult to injury

but my retirement party was a tiny bit gauche.

Oh, no! Not the "g" word.

Oh, Michael, please, please give me another chance.

It'll be the classiest event I have ever planned.

Janet's funeral is going to make

the guggenheim foundation pancreatic cancer summer classic 2009

look like the guggenheim foundation pancreatic cancer summer classic 2004!

All right.

Just breathe in. — Eleanor inhales

breathe out. — Eleanor exhales

think of your favourite things.

Ethics. Reading.

Drinking milk, after I take my lactose intolerance medication.

Quiet movies. Fitted bedsheets.

Cool seeds. A new bookmark.

Unsalted almonds... — those are your favourite things?

This is too much for me. I can't maintain this fiction.

This is just too much for me, Eleanor. — chidi sighs

Michael: Well, Janet's been murdered.

That's a nice capper to this wonderful day.

I don't really know what happens now, because_.

Janet has never been murdered before

only today, here, on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that...

Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want.

Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.

I'm not. I'm blaming you.

Anyway, what is there to say about Janet that hasn't already been said

by the giant Janet alarm in the sky? "I've been murdered."

I think that says it all. — Janet: Hello!

Crowd gasps

Janet! You're alive!

Hello! Architect,

please enter your four—digit pin.

Uh, what is it... Um, what is it...

Oh right, right, right. It's my, uh, my birth year.

Oh boy, I gotta change that. That's too easy to guess.

Janet, who murdered you?

Chidi groans: Oh, no. — Eleanor: Shh...

Hello! — yes, hello.

Oh, yeah, uh, her memory must have been wiped clean...

Eleanor sighs — Michael: So now she's gonna have to

re—upload all the knowledge in the universe

which will only take a few days.

Okay. — hello.

Hello. — hello! Hello.

Everyone, um... Until I get to the bottom of this

my retirement is officially postponed.

Whoo! — crowd cheers and applauds

Eleanor laughs — hello!

Janet: Hello! Hello!

Ya gotta admit, I kinda nailed it.

All we have to do now is keep the secret forever.

J dog, you cool? — no.

By the time I got to the pinata all the candy was gone.

He's not going to tell anyone.

Chidi? Cheedster?

What's, uh... happening, buddy?

You have a crazy look in your eye and you're retreating into your shirt.

You're kind of like turtling.

Henry, are you all right? What happened?

I have an aneurysm, requires emergency surgery.

Doctors give me a fifty—fifty chance

so if there's anything you need to say to me, you should do it now.

Oh, well, actually, um...

They let you wear your boots in here?

They're the only things that bring me comfort.

That, and my wife.

But she's out getting me a pair of backup boots.

She says it's my incentive to make it through.

What did you want to say to me?

Oh, um, just that I'm here and I love you, man.

I love you, too, boot brother.

Okay.

Chidi groans — had 'em sharpened.

Uh, yeah.

Chidi! You didn't have to stay here all night.

So, surgery went well? All clear?

Right as rain, buddy!

That is so, so, so great. I hate your boots.

What? — I told you that I loved your boots

three years ago, and I was lying, and that lie has haunted me ever since.

And people tried to tell me it was fine

just a nice little white lie in the form of social niceties

but I disagreed, and then yesterday I thought you were gonna die

but now you're not dead and I can finally

be honest and say that those boots are terrible

and hideous and I hate them.

Whoo!

This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.

Yeah. I know. And I get it.

I don't care that she came back

or that we did it for a good reason, I can't live with this lie.

I'm going to confess to the murder of Janet.

Eleanor laughs

what?

Dude, why? Janet is fine! We didn't harm her at all.

We didn't? Hey, Janet?

Janet beeps: Hello!

Hello? — Janet: Hello!

Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?

A, b... Janet!

She knows her a, b—janets!

She literally knew everything in the universe, and now she's a baby!

And even if she were ok, it would be too painful for me

to live with these lies.

What are you talking about?

It is so easy to live with a lie.

I once pretended to have a terminal illness to meet Scott wolf at a sunglass hut.

A victimless crime.

Fine. I won't say anything, because I promised to help you

and the moral implications... — Eleanor sighs

of everything that we've done

are so complicated that I may never untangle them.

But I hate lying. I always have.

And this is going to eat me up inside, forever.

You might be able to shrug this off and forget about it, but I never will.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Jianyu.

Michael? Janet said you wanted to speak to me.

But actually, she was just drooling a lot and saying "hello"

over and over again, but she did point at you.

I owe you an apology.

Oh, no you don't. No, um... but please continue.

You were only trying to help. And I let my sadness cloud my judgment.

You're a wonderful person.

And if I ever do have a retirement party, I hope you plan it.

Michael sighs: Thank you for gathering, everyone.

I want to keep you all updated.

Here's what we know.

Someone slaughtered Janet.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Okay. Easy. — Michael: I assume that this horrifying act

is somehow related to the other issues we've had here.

It also means that the problems in this neighbourhood

are not one hundred percent my fault.

There is something else at work here.

If anyone has any information about any of this

I beg you. Tell me.

Hey, I love you, man.

Michael? The problem in the neighbourhood...

Is me.

Crowd gasps

I was brought to the good place by mistake. I'm not supposed to be here.