Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Dude, I'm freaked out about my meeting with Michael

and if I spend one more second staring at creepo the clown

I'm gonna lose it!

You named the clowns? — psycho, creepo

crazy head, stupid juggling weirdo, freaky feet

and nightmare George Washington.

One of them has to go.

Chidi: Oh. Sexy mailman.

Much better.

In five minutes, Michael wants my help

investigating what's making the neighbourhood go nuts

which is, obviously, me.

I mean, I did promise I would help.

What do I do here?

Actually, the answer is... — right here?

In this easily—understandable comic strip. — nope.

In this book, about the theory of contractualism.

"What we owe to each other?"

She gasps I saw this movie.

Laura linney cries in a lake house

because Jude law left her for his ex—wife's ghost.

No. Quick summary of contractualism

uh, imagine a group of reasonable people...

Are coming up with the rules for a new society.

Like, "if your uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free."

Sure. But anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair.

So if you said

"we should be able to break our promises without any repercussions"

someone would veto that rule.

Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.

Well, that's called "tyranny," and it's generally frowned upon.

If you make a promise to someone, you should do it.

Just like I promised to help you, and still am, despite your constant mockery.

"Despite your constant mockery!"

Whatever. You love it. So...

Either I help him find the problem, which is me, and I'm doomed.

Or I don't help him

and then I'm behaving unethically

and the whole world goes crazy and I'm caught anyway.

I need to figure out a way to both help him and not help him at the same time.

That's literally not possible. — oh, really?

I once posed as a hot prom date for my cousin

both helping him, and later, according to his therapist, "not helping" him.

Michael mumbles

she knocks on the door

oh! Hey, Eleanor! Thanks for coming in.

Sorry about the mess. He clears his throat

oh. I forgot you don't see in nine dimensions.

There's just a lot of tension in the air right now.

Are you okay, buddy? You seem kind of stressed.

No, no, no, no, I'm fine. Top of my game actually.

Here. Let me just, uh...

Have a seat, Eleanor.

There you go.

So, to prepare to meet all of you

I studied the human concept of "friends".

I even watched all ten seasons of the show friends.

Boy, those friends really were friends, weren't they?

Although... and I realise this is the kind of observation

that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being...

He sighs how did they afford that apartment?

A waitress and a chef? With those Manhattan real estate prices?

Yeah, we were all confused about that, too.

And why would they be jumping around in a fountain if they also had umbrellas?

I mean was the fountain full because it had been raining? Or were they...

Were they testing the durability of the umbrellas?

I don't know, man. — anyway, the reason why you're here is...

He sighs — it's been a tough couple of days.

And right now, I could really use a "friend" by my side.

Well, you know me, the person who has audibly promised to help you.

Dude, it's a sweet house.

What did you pay for it? Six hundred k?

You know it's considered impolite to ask that question?

Well, I was being polite.

I already "zillowed" it, I know the price.

So you need me to housesit the whole week?

Sounds like somebody's gonna have a sweet vay—cay!

As I told you before, my mom is very sick.

I'm going to help her move into assisted living.

Well, I'm here for you.

And your wi—fi is way better than my neighbour's, so I'm in.

It's gonna mean taking care of Lester, too.

Walk and feed him twice a day, give him his kidney medicine.

Yup, got it. Feed his kidneys.

Eleanor? — yeah?

This is gonna be a very stressful week for me.

I need to know that I can count on you.

I'm not gonna let you down.

I promise.

I will faithfully protect this six hundred and eighty thousand—dollar house.

Indistinct chatter

Oh! Sachveer, Jessica. Shopping for lunch?

Yup! He loves to cook and I love to eat.

He loves washing the dishes, I love drying them.

He loves putting them back in the cabinets, I love closing cabinet doors.

Yes, no, I see, you're... you soulmates. It's so wonderful.

Later we're going to the new spa for the couples treatment.

You should come and bring jianyu.

Jianyu, my love! How are you?

I am decidedly so.

That's very profound. Um..

Soulmate, an idea!

Our neighbourhood now features a spa and offers couples packages.

And I thought maybe we could get facials and do yoga

and talk in long discursive sentences.

What do you say?

Signs point to yes.

Oh! Marvelous. We'll go today.

Dude, you gotta come with us to the spa.

What? No. No way.

No, that's really weird.

You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?

No, I can't and she freaks me out!

She's so pretty. Like nala, from the lion king.

And she talks so smart. Like, um...

Nala, from the lion king.

You gotta help me.

Well, if I feel sympathy for anyone, it's tahani.

She's going through the same thing I am, but she doesn't know it.

Which means maybe I'm obligated to tell her?

Although, maybe it's better not to know? Is ignorance bliss?

Or will the painful truth actually be...

Healing... — ready, jianyu?

Oh, I cannot wait to just relax and talk and chat and just

you know, get to know each other.

Hey...

Maybe I'll come too!

Oh, chidi.

I... I would love your company. It's just that this is, um...

This is really more of a...

Couples thing.

I know. But Eleanor's off with Michael

and jianyu feels comfortable when I'm around. Right?

Made in Taiwan. — yes, you were.

You were made in Taiwan, so...

Couples date! Let's go!

I never really looked around your office the first day.

What is all this junk?

Well, technically, architects aren't allowed to own any human objects, but...

I just love them so much.

And over here, look at this.

Aren't paperclips the most amazing things in the world?

Yeah. Sure. — anyway...

My current theory is that some object in the neighbourhood

has a design flaw, which is causing everything to go haywire.

So we need to find that object. We're gonna start with the rocks!

Now I've investigated all of the rocks in the neighbourhood

these seventy—eight are the most suspicious.

Maybe to an "architect" they might look suspicious

but to me they just look like rocks. So I'm not sure how I can help.

Do any of them look defective, sinister?

You know, like they're taunting you, always one step ahead.

Oh, you devious little monsters, you.

Hello, Janet. Jianyu and I are here for the couples' package, please.

He clears throat — and also I will be joining them.

Great! And who is the other half of your couple?

Oh, no, no, it's just me. — couples are pairs of people.

Yup! And... uh, there is a pair of people, tahani and jianyu.

And then also I am here.

Great! And who will be joining you?

No one. Um, it's... It's really quite simple, Janet.

They are a couple, and I am a third part of that couple

a helper part who is here for fun and excitement.

It's a three—person couple!

Does not compute.

Does not compute.

Does not compute.

I'm just kidding. — Janet laughs

I mean, it doesn't compute, but I'm not gonna explode or anything.

Right. Well. I'll see you inside, darling.

Okay, you have to step up.

Find a way to connect with her without, you know, being you.

But what does that even mean? Do I talk or not talk?

Do I be nice to tahani, or do I throw all her jewellery in the toilet?

That's the opposite of "being nice?"

So no toilet?

Okay. So we have two piles.

Seemingly fine, where we have placed

three of the rocks, and...

Further examination needed, where we've placed the other seventy—five.

Only ninety minutes in and we're eliminated three rocks. We're making progress.

Although, I have to say I'a little suspicious of the second one right here.

Could we just move that back in the further examination needed?

You... you... you need to chill a little 'cause you have a very psycho, burnout

guy muttering to himself at a library computer" type of vibe.

I cannot stop until I find the problem.

I just... it's my responsibility to solve the problem.

What else can I do, except keep working?

You could stop working.

Look, I promised to help you and, honesfly

the way I can help you is to force you to take a break.

And not working will help me work?

Yes. Recharge the old batteries.

I promise, this is gonna help both of us. Let's go.

Okay.

Let's keep our eyes peeled for twigs that may have a nefarious agenda.

Okay, crazy, come on.

What is it with you and frozen yogurt?

Have you not heard of ice cream?

Oh, sure. But I've come to really like frozen yogurt.

There's something so human about taking something great

and ruining it a little, so you can have more of it.

She laughs — that is very human.

Why do you need a human to be your assistant?

I mean, aren't there more of whatever you are?

Well since we're becoming "friends"

like Ross and Phoebe

weird combo to pick, but okay.

I'm gonna tell you a secret.

Usually architects don't live in their neighbourhoods.

Usually, the people show up, we play the movie

Janet is there to answer questions, and you're on your own.

But I had this theory.

I thought transition would be easier if the architect were on site

for at least the first thousand years or so.

That's why you've been so freaked out, 'cause your butt is on the line.

Do you have a butt?

Well I thought I did. Ouch.

No, I'm sorry. It's a great butt. I... — no I'm...

Just... this is weird. — anyway...

My boss thought I was nuts, and if this neighbourhood doesn't work

I am in big trouble.

Just like Chandler and Joey when they left Ross's baby on a bus.

But more importantly, I promised all of you that you would be safe and happy

and you just don't break a promise.

Unlike Ross, when he promised Emily not to talk to Rachel.

Wow, you are really into that show.

You know something? I feel better already.

Should we get back to work? Gah—gah—gah—gah—gah—gah!

The whole point is to stop thinking about work

and start having fun.

Now, what should we do first?

♪ I'm going out in a Blaze of glory ♪

♪ lord, I never drew first but I drew first blood ♪

♪ I'm no one's son ♪

♪ call me young gun ♪

This is so interesting.

I mean there's no point to it, the images on the screen relate to nothing

some time passed, and then it was over!

That's karaoke! — let's do it again.

Okay! My hands are heated to the ideal one hundred and five degrees.

Who would like to go first?

Oh well, uh... what if I go first, and then

perhaps jianyu could stand near me and

share some intimate aspects of his life?

Or what if

while Janet massages tahani

I massage jianyu?

Jianyu, darling, let's discuss the arts.

I adore the impressionists.

Who's your favourite artist? — I mean...

Pitbull changed the game... — chidi: Hm.

Sorry. I was working the...

Oft—neglected mandible area. — jianyu mumbles

She laughs — oh, man!

I didn't even want that thing, why am I trying to win it?

Because the machine says it's a prize.

Eleanor: Oh! — Michael: Boom!

Michael: How many tickets do I get?

Six? Is that all? — well... watch this.

She grunts

is that allowed? — not really.

But it is a time—honoured tradition.

Say no more. I got it. I got it.

Yow! — whoo!

You know something?

As much as I've always wanted to be around humans

I think I've missed a big part of what makes them wonderful.

Sometimes all you guys think about is how you can have the most fun!

Exactly! That was practically my mantra.

What's up, dongbait?

Brittany laughs — drop everything you're doing.

Rihanna is performing in Vegas. I got tickets. We are road tripping!

Aw, I can't.

I promised I'd housesit one more day, and I have to feed this stupid dog.

I'm sorry, does this dog smoke blunts topless on a yacht, like a boss

'cause that's how riri do.

That's a very good point. — this is floor—seats, in Vegas, for Rihanna!

The booze is free there.

Do I really need to keep going?

Okay. This is dinner tonight, breakfast tomorrow.

I have an idea. This is in case of emergency.

This is in case of emergency.

Do not eat this unless it's an emergency.

Wow. I'm ready to be a mom.

I'm having trouble getting this mask to stick.

Yes, it's because my pores are just so small.

There's no way anything can ever adhere to my skin.

It's a curse, really.

Jianyu? What are your pores like?

She sighs

seemed like such an easy question to answer.

Janet, can you show me to the sauna, please?

Dude! She's trying so hard, and you're giving her nothing.

Just pick a fact that you know about her and just muddle through. She...

She said she likes impressionist paintings.

Oh! Impressionist paintings? Okay, say no more!

No, no. I definitely feel like I need to say more. Jia——?

He laughs — so...

Would you say I helped you today?

Oh, so much! I had fun, I didn't think about my problems and I...

I won this ugly yellow toddler

which is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

Eleanor, thank you for being a friend.

You're a pa! And a confidante.

After you watched friends, did you also watch golden girls?

Yes, I did. He laughs

they love cheesecake and one of them loves intercourse.

She laughs

all right. I'll see you tomorrow, friend.

He sighs

classical guitar plays

You sure this is where you want to be right now?

At the "tea for two" couples' cafe.

There's no use avoiding it, chidi.

I'm alone.

Jianyu and I have nothing in common.

I just want a soulmate. Someone I can share my passions with

someone who I can talk to about the ethereal colours of a degas.

I love degas!

I took painting lessons as a kid, and degas was always my inspiration.

What's your favourite work? — let's say it on three.

Okay. — one, two, three.

The absinthe drinker — ballet dancers in the wings

well, at least we both still like degas.

Yes! And do you like France as much as I do?

Well, they enslaved my country for three hundred years, so no.

But they have great museums. — yes.

Welcome to my cafe you two!

We have a special on soulmate muffins: Two for the price of zero.

Everything is free. — oh, uh... well, we're not soulmates.

Tahani: No. — we're just, uh...

Soul friends. — Pilar: Oh.

Hey, buddy! I have all new fun stuff for us to do today.

Also, you think you didn't do any work?

Wait till you see how much work the real housewives don't do.

Eleanor... Eleanor, I have huge news.

"Not working" actually worked.

It did what now?

After our day off, with a completely clear head

I realised part of what makes humans so fun is that they're unpredictable.

The chaos we've been experiencing

is exactly what would happen if a resident behaved unpredictably.

The problem in our neighbourhood, it's not a rock or an object...

It's one of the people.

Oh! We need to celebrate!

Okay. Whoo—hoo! Paperclip shower! He giggles

so, do you think we're looking for a man? Or do you think we're looking for two men?

Not sure. We don't know anything about this person.

I mean does he or she

even know that they caused all these problems?

No, that can't be.

I mean what kind of monster would wreak havoc and then say nothing?

There are nice monsters, like elmo.

Elmo? I'm not familiar with that.

Let me just quickly...

He laughs elmo's delightful.

He laughs uh—oh.

They're over—using him. He's gotten annoying.

Oh, well, too bad.

Anyway, back to the hunt.

So this is the main place where the garbage fell from the sky.

Janet? — hi there.

I need a list of everyone that was here on garbage duty during orientation.

Beep — oh!

Eleanor.

Our criminal is on this very shortlist. — Eleanor: Hm.

People were flying that day, too. I'll add everybody who flew overhead.

Eleanor groans — our criminal is on this much longer list.

Eleanor sighs

oh, hey, homey. Thanks for your advice.

I'm about to give tahani the best gift ever.

Check it.

What? I mean, what?

She likes impressionist paintings, right?

I got her a painting of the best impressionist of all time.

Frank caliendo.

He can do it all: Fat al Pacino, fat Jerry Seinfeld, regular John madden—...

Jianyu, I need you to take this oil painting of frank caliendo

and put it in a very dark room where no one will ever see it.

Perfect. It glows in the dark. Watch.

Jiyanyu grunts — huh?

In the voice of al Pacino: Forget about it, forget about it.

Huh?

Okay, so the opening night party won't help us narrow our list

because, well... everyone was there.

Right. Everyone was there.

Everyone drank the appropriate amount of alcohol.

So that seems like a dead end. — but...

This is where the sinkhole opened up, and the guest list that night was limited.

Beep — there were a total of 30 people that night.

He laughs

only thirty, huh?

Yay! How do you pump your fist again?

He laughs is this it?

But sixty—six others passed through to take a look before it opened.

And everyone else in the neighbourhood was in a close radius.

Oh, boy! That doesn't narrow it down at all.

Feels like the end of the road.

End of the road. Boyz ii men. Karaoke!

Let's go. Don't think about it too much.

Janet

my hoodie please. — Janet beeps

What's happening? — I give up.

I can't help the people I promised that I would help.

I feel like friends in season eight

out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together even though it made no sense.

I hope the sinkhole opens up again and swallows me whole.

Paula! Hey, girl! How's the dog?

Still fat, Eleanor. Still fat.

The vet said his stomach expanded to the size of a basketball.

And that it will never shrink.

Mmm. Well, that's not my fault.

How was I supposed to know he would literally eat all of the food?

It shouldn't have been an issue.

You were supposed to be there but you broke your promise

as soon it wasn't convenient for you, and now I have a very bulbous dog.

Well, you know what? You're rude.

'Cause you didn't even ask me how the Rihanna concert was.

She was very late and a little drunk.

I promised to help you, and I will

however I can.

If you want to look at a million rocks like a psychopath, I'll be there.

If you want to just lay here and cry in your hoodie, I'm cool with that.

Honestly, I don't know how I can help you

'cause I'm just a person

and you're like this super, magical, Orville redenbacher type guy

who invented this entire universe

but I'll do my best.

I'm right here.

Oh, my gosh...

Of course.

How did I not see it?

Janet, I've found the answer to the problem.

Call a neighbourhood meeting.

Should it be "festive and casual," or "moribund and devastating?"

Moribund and devastating, please. — great!

Hello, jianyu. Chidi.

What's this? — I made you a "art".

It's three of me! As ballerinas!

Painted in the style of the impressionists!

Of course!

You don't say things, but you do things

and you feel things.

Only my true soulmate could ever give me such a perfect gift.

Thank you. — she kisses jianyu

Do you need anything else from me?

No, no. I just want you to stand right there.

What's going on? — well, I did what you said.

I honoured my agreement to help Michael find the problem

and he found the problem.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Maybe I broke my promise, too. I agreed to help you.

Don't worry, you did.

After I'm gone, take down the rest of those clown paintings.

But leave up the sexy mailman, to remember me by.

Thank you all for your Patience with the problems in our neighbourhood.

I have finally discovered the cause.

There was one common link among every incident.

And when I figured it out it was a shock

but there's no escaping it

the problem...

Is me.

Everyone gasps — and now...

I have to leave you, forever.