Original subtitles

You, Eleanor shellstrop, are dead.

Cool!

Eleanor, you are my soulmate.

There's been a big mistake...

I'm not supposed to be here.

Wait, what?

Applause — these people might be "good"

but are they really that much better than me?

Thunder — rumbling

chidi: Eleanor, this is all happening because of you!

Give me a chance. Let me earn my place here.

Let me be your ethical Guinea pig.

My soul is in your hands, soulmate.

Chidi: I, uh... I don't know what to do here.

This is a mess — morally speaking.

This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup.

Okay, well, how about we just chill

and go to the town meeting and talk it out after.

Wha— — great! Hey

how do I make that helper woman show up?

Hello... front desk lady...

Magical slave robot? — excuse me, Janet?

Hi, there. — she gasps

still not used to it. Um, Janet, I need...

Quick question — can anyone access our search history

or is this an incognito browsing situation

like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?

It is one hundred percent confidential.

No one can access what you ask me, including Michael.

Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?

No, no, no, no, not porn...

I, um, I need clothes — like yours and chidi's with the stripes.

Soft beep — there you go.

Indistinct chatter

Michael: Everybody, everybody, gather round, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

Obviously, there's something very wrong with this neighbourhood.

We don't know what it is, how long it will last, or what caused it.

What do we know, Janet?

We know where it happened — here.

Yes, thank you, Janet.

The chaos happened here.

See, that's the trouble with these perfect systems...

One little flaw can lead to...

Well, it can lead to Gary over there.

Hey, Gary. — some gasp

hang in there, buddy.

My armpits are leaking.

What is that called again? — sweat.

Right, right, still not used to being in a human body.

And what do you do with sweat?

Do... do you lick it away? Is that right?

Nope, you dab it with a cloth. — oh, right.

And then you lick the cloth?

That seems weirder.

Tahani: Michael, look.

Okay, that's a good sign.

It... it... it could mean that this is almost over.

Oh, such relief.

That was my first time as a fashion “don't” and I did not care for it.

Eleanor: Okay, things are settling down outside

I think it's time to make me good, partner.

How do we do it?

Is there a pill I can take or something I could vape?

Where did you get a chalkboard?

It's the good place, you can get anything you want at any time.

And you chose a chalkboard?

What are you reading?

The metaphysics of morals by immanuel kant.

It's a treatise on the aesthetic preconditions

of the mind's receptivity to duty.

It's a book on how to act good.

Oh, great! So you've decided to help me?

I don't know. There's a thousand questions.

Is there a moral imperative to help you?

Do I have a greater obligation to my community?

Are you taking someone else's spot — Someone who deserves to be here?

Ooh! On that question

I honestly think I was just put here by mistake

because Michael called me Eleanor shellstrop

so he knows I'm me...

He... he's just wrong about my overall quality level.

Please help me, man. I swear I am worth it.

Tell me one fact that you know about me.

We spent the whole day together. You must remember something.

What country am I from?

She groans is it racist if I say, “Africa?”

Yes, and Africa is not a country. I am from Senegal.

Do I have any siblings? Where did I go to college?

Trick question — you didn't.

I was literally a college professor.

Do you not remember one single thing about me?

Dude, things have been nuts around here.

I bet you don't know anything about me!

You were born in Phoenix. You went to school in tempe.

You're an only child.

Your favourite show is something called, the real housewives ofat/anz'a.

And your favourite book is Kendall jenner's Instagram feed.

How did you know all that?

Because you are constantly talking about yourself.

You are the most self—obsessed person I have ever met.

You should see Kendall jenner's Instagram feed.

See, this is my fear about you, Eleanor...

You are too selfish to ever be a good person.

Well, I think you're wrong. — what country am I from again?

“Sen_.sodyne”

that is a brand of toothpaste.

Look, the only thing that you are concerned with

is your own happiness.

That's your problem.

Okay, names in the hat — Time to pick a designated driver.

And the loser is...

Betsy.

Wait, you never get picked

and you're always the one who draws the name.

Let me see that. — there's no need.

Everyone here believes in my integrity, one hundred percent. Right, guys?

Give it to me.

For the record

I did that out of principle because it absolutely had your name on it.

If I check the other ones I can figure it out by process of elimination.

Muffled again, out of principle

better watch over you, Betsy.

This is what integrity looks like.

Michael: All right, everyone, let's get started.

Things have settled down.

Whoo! He chuckles

so, hopefully, we're off and running.

Welcome to orientation, day two.

Now, today we're going to start with something

that everyone has always wanted to do...

Soothing bells sounds — ...Flying.

They cheer and clap

now that you're dead, let's live a little, right?

Uh, sorry... uh, Michael, if I might...

I was just thinking... earlier today in all of the chaos

large swaths of this neighbourhood were destroyed.

We thought perhaps some of us could... uh...

Volunteer to help clean up the debris, you know

it's quite a fun way to band together as a community.

Isn't that right, jianyu?

Oh, uh, yes, sorry, for those of you don't know...

My soulmate jianyu here is a Buddhist monk.

He took a vow of silence that he's still observing...

Even here, in the good place.

It's truly inspiring.

Well, tahani, it's not really your job to clean up

but I suppose there's no harm if you really want to.

Oh, well, "hurrah!"

We need about, uh, twelve volunteers.

Oh! — I can't believe all these people

are passing on flying to pick up garbage all day.

She laughs have fun, nerds.

I'll be soaring through the air like a forking bird.

Eleanor and I would love to help. — oh, “hurrah, hurrah!”. Yay!

Dude? — you want to prove you're not selfish?

Here's the perfect test...

There's something fun that you want to do and then there's something less fun

that people are doing for the common good.

Which do you choose?

Have fun.

Whoo!

Woman laughs

men: Yay! Yeah! All right!

Wee!

Hey, up there — having fun or does it maybe suck, probably?

Well, I wouldn't call it fun...

I'd say it's like it's like fifty million simultaneous orgasms, but better.

How's volunteer garbage pickup?

About the same. — great. Wee!

You know, this really reminds me of my time in Vietnam

picking up mortar shells with my godmother, Diana.

Doesn't really matter what she's a Princess of.

It's not really important.

Tahani, how goes the cleaning?

Oh, swimmingly, Michael.

And I have to say, this neighbourhood that you built is truly a masterpiece

the likes of which I've never seen

and I've been to Johnny Depp's private bird sanctuary.

Well, thank you. That's very kind of you to say.

He sniffs but it's also dead wrong.

This neighbourhood is a disaster.

See, I must have made a mistake somewhere and it led to all this chaos

and now I'm just... I'm just terrified that it's going to happen again.

I'm trying to put a good face on...

Well, this face that I've constructed for myself

but the truth is, I'm just miserable.

I have to go.

Thank you so much for your service.

Oh, no... powerful people do not handle failure well.

Michael could be heading for a total meltdown.

Soulmate, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Should we say it at the same time?

All right, one, two, three — We must help Michael.

Oh, you sly devil

you're going to keep me on my toes, aren't you?

All right, come on, let's go.

They laugh

oh, boy! — hey, Gunnar. Hey, Antonio.

Hey, Eleanor, isn't this great?

Uh, yeah — when I thought of the afterlife

I totally pictured being an unpaid, nonflying janitor.

Us, too. He laughs

she laughs you guys are so fun...

Just relentlessly fun. I keep thinking...

When are they going to stop being fun?

And the answer is, never.

You're never going to stop. — they laugh

well, I have had a pretty full day of being unselfish.

I've made some new friends, my area is almost garbage free

so you're going to help me figure out how to stay, right?

Oh, that is a really tough question.

Most great philosophers would say helping you is pointless...

That you can't try to be good

especially when your motivations are so obviously corrupt.

Yeah, but what do most great philosophers know?

On the other hand, Aristotle thought that moral virtue

is something that you could get better at.

He... he compared it to playing the flute...

The more you practice, the more you improve.

Aristotle — that's my boy right there!

He was the best. I mean, most people agree he was the best one.

So it sounds to me like you are on board the “help Eleanor train.”

Well, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities — yes and no.

Well, no worries — just hit me up

when you're done weighing my life in your hands.

I'll just keep doing what I do best — Being super—considerate and selfless.

She sighs

hey, guys. — okay, Eleanor, reminder...

We switched to a rotating system

for choosing a designated driver and it's your turn.

Got it.

Full disclosure — I forgot we were doing this new system.

I got off work early.

I've been here for about an hour and I'm already pretty drunk.

Someone else will do it. — good call.

I guess the only place I'll be driving is through the giant loophole

in the system I accidentally discovered.

Beep, beep! Shelaughs

whoo!

All: Whoo!

I can't believe they managed to mix one million flavours together

and yet, somehow I can taste each individual one.

It's remarkable.

I got no flavour.

It's all I deserve really. — no.

Look, I... I appreciate you trying to cheer me up

I really do, but you don't understand...

This was the very first neighbourhood that I got to design.

It was my chance to prove myself and now I've blown it.

You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful...

Like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is.

Oh, tahani, if I made one tiny mistake in my design

if there's a single glitch in the system

if even one blade of grass is angled a fraction of a degree off...

Dog whines

the whole neighbourhood is... Compromised.

Whose dog is that? Guys, whose dog is that?

Whose dog is that!

See, this is one of those glitches I was talking about.

Nice try, puppy.

Dog barks

dog barks —poof

whoo! He laughs

that was a close one.

Teacup?

Hey, have you seen my dog?

She grunts

she gasps shouldn't these be magical trash bags?

Five more minutes, flyers, five more minutes.

Oh, man, really?

Janet, I'm finished with clean up and I'm ready to fly.

How do I start? — hop on the launch pad

and conjure an image that brings you pure joy.

Some people think of their wedding day or favourite vacation spot.

She sighs — people puking on rollercoasters.

People puking on rollercoasters.

She gasps and laughs it's working!

Ow! What the fork?

Thunder cracks

Janet, any chance this is a scheduled trash storm?

So, here's the situation, pevita...

I kind of kicked your dog into the sun.

But, I got her back. — dog whines

everything... everything seems fine.

Teacup, thank goodness you're okay.

Everyone, it is merely a construct of a dog.

It feels no pain or joy or love.

Teacup doesn't love me?

Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it definitely feels love.

Do you actually want a dog that loves you a little bit more?

Because I can kick her right back into the sun

and get you another one, just like that.

No! — oh, boy, I'm making things worse.

Okay. All right... that's all right, breathe, breathe... you breathe?

Mm—hmm. — If you do, then just breathe

because everything is fine, Michael, it's fine.

Whoo!

Pevita: It's raining garbage.

Run!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'll run this way.

Chidi, hey

before you say anything...

That's it. I just don't want you to say anything.

What did you do? — nothing.

It just started raining trash out of nowhere for no reason at all.

Thunder cracks — ah!

Okay, fine, fine — my bag broke and I ditched the trash

instead of taking it all the way to the dumpster.

But, in my defence there were only five minutes left

in flying and I wanted to go flying.

How is that a defence? You made a bad choice.

I made a bad choice?

We could have literally been flying

and all you wanted to do was talk about morals.

I mean, you're like the worst part of Superman.

This is a relief. I can stop my deliberations.

You are a selfish person and it is pointless to help you.

You are on your own. — Antonio: Oh, man.

How about this trash storm, Gunnar? — more cleaning up to do.

It's a... it's a dream come true.

Crash — she gasps

whew. — we're okay.

You can't die here.

Come on, I mean even you have to admit — those guys are psycho.

Michael: I don't know what's happening to me.

I mean, it's my duty to be calm and in control and I'm falling apart.

No, Michael, you are a paragon of fortitude.

You're a mountain of strength.

I'm not a mountain of strength.

I'm a canyon

full of poo—poo. He sobs

jianyu, the architect of this neighbourhood has just referred to himself

as a canyon full of poo—poo.

Surely now you will say something.

Grace us with your vocalised wisdom.

Please, I'm begging you.

He breathes deeply oh...

Yes, yes I understand.

The strength is inside me.

It's been there all along.

No, of course. I can overcome any obstacle.

Oh, thank you, jianyu, thank you.

He laughs — I'm back.

You did it!

Oh, you have so much to teach me.

Maybe I should try to be silent, too.

No really... look, here I go.

Oh! That was wonderful.

So cleansing.

They laugh

just water tonight, huh?

Designated driver? — yeah, it sucks.

I think it's awesome. I mean, someone's got to do it, right?

I think it's a cool thing to do for people.

Yeah, no, no, I meant...

I meant I... it sucks that I can't do it more often.

You know, I actually prefer it to drinking...

Staying sober, knowing my friends will get home safe...

That's my buzz.

Hey guys, good news and bad news...

See that hot bartender over there?

He's into me and we're gonna bang it out.

The bad news is it means I can't drive you guys home.

But, I did call a cab for you guys

but they recognised my number and they didn't want to come.

I've thrown up in a lot of cabs.

So, are we good here?

Eleanor, you have a very important choice to make...

If you blow us off, you are banned from Thursday night drinks forever.

Yeah, I'm good with that. I'll see you guys at work.

Peace!

You — let's go.

She sighs

Hey, how did you know I was here?

I saw you from my window.

That's where I live, by the way... Not that you ever asked.

What are you doing?

I went to all the places where I dumped trash earlier

and cleaned it up so it couldn't be traced back to me.

Well, it looks like you cleaned up everything.

You're doing this because you feel bad

and you're not even doing it to get me to help you anymore

because I told you, that's not gonna happen.

Okay, yeah, fine, I felt bad for stupid Gunnar

and stupider Antonio and the whole neighbourhood.

I felt bad about what I did.

It was a weird feeling... Not used to it... didn't love it.

Well, feeling remorse about being wrong isn't as good

as just doing something right, but it's a start.

Look, I think you're capable of change

and I will help you try.

Oh, wow, man — I swear I won't let you down.

Hi, there. I've collected the worst smelling garbage that I could find.

Do you still want me to dump it inside of Antonio's house?

In a high pitch what?

No, I did not tell you to do that.

You are loco girlfriend.

Okay, I won't let you down starting now.

Ah, Eleanor, good morning.

Michael, do you know what the best part about this place is...

You figured out how to make a to—go cup

that doesn't leak right where the seam meets the lid.

Oh, I'm so glad you noticed.

I was very proud of that.

One of the hardest problems I had to solve.

Eleanor, I know what you did...

Cleaning up the entire neighbourhood by yourself.

He laughs

I knew you were special but this is proof.

Well, I was just doing my part, you know.

And... since I'm special — Your words...

I didn't get to fly...

I'm sorry. Now I had to ban flying for a thousand years

too many injuries.

One resident hit a rotting Turkey carcass at a thousand miles an hour.

It just exploded into this fireball of Turkey flesh and bones and sinew.

Anyway, enjoy your coffee... And the cup.

So, I have moved out of my apartment officially and into your guestroom

figured it'd cause less suspicion and make things easier

for our "good person lessons."

Cool. Uh, just fyi, I'm a very loud snorer

and I like to drip—dry in the nude, so eyes to yourself, perv.

Okay. Fine.

Now, you got a long way to go to pull this off.

It will take hours and hours of studying ethics

and moral philosophy.

We're going to have assignments and quizzes and papers.

It's going to be so much fun.

Remind me what I'm getting out of this again?

You get to avoid eternal damnation.

Oh, yeah, right.

Hey, I got you a present.

What? — Senegal.

That's not a present. That's just common decency.

Yeah, but I forking nailed it.

Good talk.

Aw, shirt!