All language subtitles for The Beaverton s03e08

The war on terror is 18 years old this
week, making it finally old enough to

vote.

Apple has programmed Siri to avoid using
the word feminism, landing her a

featured column in the National Post.

And we tell you which stars are in
Canada for tip, and which public

we've seen them walk into.

All this and more on the Beaverton.

Wow, thank you so much. Thank you.

Welcome, everyone, to the Beaverson.
Emma, how are you doing? Because you're

obsessed with me.

And now it's time for our top stories.

Last week proved that there are bad
weeks and there are Boris Johnson bad

His plans to ram through a no -deal
Brexit by suspending Parliament failed

the House of Commons voted against it.
When told a legislative body used its

power to keep the executive in check,
Nancy Pelosi replied, wait a minute.

You can do that? Come on!

After the vote, Johnson lashed out by
expelling the 21 Tory MPs who voted

against him, including Nicholas Soames,
Winston Churchill's grandson.

Always a sign of how your career is
going when you're a 71 -year -old still

being described as a grandson.

The expulsions prompted a wave of
cabinet resignations, including one from

Bojo's brother, Joe Johnson.

Wait, wait, wait.

Bojo has a brother named Joe Johnson?

So, JoJo?

That's right, Miguel. They are the
JoBros.

Anyway,

JoJo said no -go.

Well, there are more pressing issues.
Yesterday, the bill to stop a no -deal

Brexit received royal assent, meaning
Johnson is officially royally screwed.

Now, if he fails to comply, he could go
to jail, though he'd probably do fine.

Prison is basically eaten with less
hazing.

At this point, Boris is probably the
most embarrassing UK PM in history, and

are including the one who had to deny
having sex with a dead pig.

Turning to Trump and Twitter, the
chocolate and peanut butter of the

society. We knew things were bad, but
this past week it got worse, which we've

said every week for the past 170 weeks.

I am so tired, Miguel. I know.

Last week, Trump tweeted that Hurricane
Dorian would hit Alabama, which some

people described as false.

He was then corrected by the National
Weather Service, putting a swift end to

the matter.

It's what we wish we were saying.

Instead, he doubled down with a poorly
altered map.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I think the
hurricane might want to get that lump

checked out.

And that was the least crazy thing to
happen last week. He also lashed out at

Deborah Messing, John Legend, and
somehow found time to cancel a secret

David meeting with the Taliban, which is
sad because the Taliban were so looking

forward to enjoying Maryland's crisp
fall weather.

These talks were canceled after the
Taliban claimed responsibility for a car

bomb in Afghanistan. But we heard the
real reason is because the Taliban

to comply with Trump's request to call
Chrissy Teigen a disaster.

But hey, canceling the meeting is
probably the right move for Trump. This

Taliban. Their whole goal is to destroy
America.

And Trump certainly doesn't need
anyone's help with that, thank you.

But last week wasn't all world leaders
forgetting to take their medication.

On Saturday, Bianca Andreescu became the
biggest Canadian teen sensation.

It's Justin Bieber.

Wow, so impressive.

But unlike Bieber, she hopefully won't
use her time in the spotlight to insult

Anne Frank.

That's right, Bianca won the U .S. Open,
and Bianca's mom won my absolute

desperation to please her.

I just want her to like me. Is this
smile big enough? Am I doing okay up

Bianca's mom?

After her victory on Drescu gave the
most Canadian interview ever,

to the crowd for beating the hometown
favorite. If she was any more Canadian,

she'd sell tanks to Saudi Arabia.

The Toronto native $3 .8 million winning
means she can finally afford that down

payment on a one -bedroom condo.

Of course, Andreescu is about to sign
plenty of endorsements, but none more

important than her mother's deal with
Tresemme. You have just the greatest

Bianca's mom.

are inspired by Bianca's story, a first
-generation immigrant whose meteoric

rise was somehow unfettered by the
struggles of being born in Mississauga.

Horrible place.

And let's not forget, she's only 19
years old. Miguel, what did you

by the time you were 19?

Well, I too won an important tennis
match. Totally annihilated my 12 -year

brother in straight sets.

What about you?

Let's just say I was smashing a lot of
balls too.

So I guess we're both doing pretty okay
over here. I'd say.

We all know gig economy workers are
underpaid. Whether it's Uber drivers

on strike, Foodora riders trying to
unionize, or app -based male gigolos

struggling for the same rights as their
European counterparts.

But why do these tech giants have such
trouble paying a living wage? For more,

we're joined by our own Dave Barclay.

Dave, remember?

Yes, of course. Hi, Dave. Now, Uber is
valued at over $55 billion, and Lyft is

worth more than $13 billion.

How come they can't afford to pay their
workforce more?

Well, it's important to know that
collectively, those companies lost

billion last quarter.

That's over a billion dollars last
nickel.

I don't think that's what quarter means.

Hey, I'm a tech guy, not a finance guy.

But why do they lose so much money? I
order Ubers all the time. Not to go

anywhere. I just like to look at that
little car going around on that little

map.

Because, at the end of the day, they're
not a novel product.

They're a discount taxi company.

Taxi drivers already don't make enough
money as it is. That's why they

moonlight, as Uber drivers.

So if Uber and Lyft just hemorrhage
money, then why are they still in

Because Silicon Valley disrupts
everything!

Even the way the economy functions.

Here's how they work. Picture Uber as a
badly mutilated cash cow.

But it's being kept alive by investors,
like a cash cow hooked up to a Swiss

blood boy.

What is a blood boy?

It's a boy whose blood you pump into
your body so you have the vitality to

invent new, cool -sounding apps.

That's insane!

Hey, there's nothing crazy about
thinking apps have cool -sounding names.

I mean the blood boy thing, Dave.

Miguel, I think you don't understand
technology, okay?

The investors keep pumping in money
because they think that when Uber has a

world monopoly, they'll be able to
charge whatever they want and make their

money back. Like a cash cow hooked up to
a Swiss blood boy owned by John D.

Rockefeller.

It's a mixed metaphor, but I think it
gets the point across.

From the sounds of it, the success of
these apps are kind of a fantasy.

Yes. Now you're getting it. In Silicon
Valley, a tech startup with a billion

-dollar valuation is known as a unicorn.

But as we all know, the Northern
California unicorn was hunted to

during the dot -com boom of the late
90s.

Magical and tragical.

We're just repeating the same mistakes
we made 20 years ago. Is there anything

they could do to improve their bottom
line? Well, like I said, I'm a tech guy,

not a business guy. But if I had to
suggest something, I would recommend

offer a good and or service that could
potentially make a profit.

Profiting from goods and services? Now
who's being innovative?

Dave Barclay, everybody.

Wow. Right?

Yeah.

When we return, Crudeau will be skipping
two major leader debates, while the

average Canadian plans on skipping all
five.

There's a smell in the air, and for
once, it's not Miguel's hair product.

It's the crisp, energizing scent of
democracy, which can mean only one

It's federal election season.

And while it's always fun to hear
slogans generated by whichever party

was closest to a thesaurus, voting can
be kind of a pain. The lines are long,

and there's a good chance you're doing
it in a school gymnasium, the site of

your greatest humiliation.

And yet somehow when you stuff that
ballot into a box guarded by an old

it all feels worth it.

But what if the biggest election issue
has nothing to do with the parties or

their platforms at all? I'm talking, of
course, about foreign election

interference and its favorite weapon,
fake news.

Minister of Foreign Affairs Chrystia
Freeland had this to say about its

to our upcoming election.

Interference is very likely.

and we think there have probably already
been efforts by malign foreign actors

to disrupt our democracy.

Pretty likely. Wow. You're probably
asking, why would a hostile foreign

want to interfere in the elections of a
little, old, second -biggest -country,

resource -rich G7 economy like Canada?

The goal of fake news isn't to get a
specific person elected. It's about

creating discord and apathy to undermine
faith in democratic institutions.

So sometimes, those things come together
in one moist package.

But fret not, potential voters. The
Beaverton has got your back with our

-dandy guide to spotting fake news.

Okay, okay.

First things first. In order to spot
fake news, you need to be media

For instance, if your primary source of
news is us, that's a sign you're not

media literate.

Seriously, please stop doing that. An
actual news broadcast is on a half an

from now.

Watch that.

Second, fake news thrives on social
media, and social media thrives on not

caring about that.

So the next time you're logged on, treat
any piece of news you see with the same

skepticism you would a guy in a bar who
says you can crash on his boat.

Next, check who wrote the article, then
Google them. If their bio says, destroy

globalism, I'm going to say take that
one off your bookmark list.

And before you share a story, check to
see if it makes you of sources. As a

general rule, journalism should adhere
to the same standards as a grade 6 book

report.

And while you're at it, check the URL.
The webpage might say CBS News, but if

the address is something like cbs
.moldova .hornyhousewives .org...

There's a good chance it's fake news.

Listen, the real CBS hasn't done a horny
housewife story in years.

If this sounds like a lot to remember,
don't worry. We have set up some of our

own URLs you can go to that offer a few
more tools to help you spot fake news.

The best part? These URLs are
scientifically proven to attract every

generation. So feel free to pass them on
to your idiot friends, parents, or kids

who might need a little help recognizing
misinformation.

First up, the demographic who are seven
times more likely to fall for fake news

and a million times more likely to be
watching this on television.

Baby boomers.

Hey, hip cats, turn down that Grand Funk
Railroad LP, hike up those khakis, and

boogie on over to handsomemansbridge
.com.

All right. Next up, Gen X.

What's up?

Turn down that Pearl Jam CD, hike up
your skate shorts, and swing on over to

Kurt CobainMemorialPizza .pizza.

Or whatever.

Ooh, millennial time.

Here's the tea.

Staying woke is like a huge mood, so
turn down your SoundCloud, hike up those

juicy sweats, and bounce on over to Yas
.org.

That's Yas with five As.

Full disclosure, they all link to the
media literacy site Apathy is Boring,

which it totally is, so check it out or
else.

Now, of course, if you're from
Generation Z, all this media literacy

pretty much second nature to you. But
you can help. Take some time to pass on

your skills to an old.

Yeah, think of it as helping a parent
set up their Wi -Fi password for

democracy.

Because until we lower the minimum and
also the maximum voting age to 16, fake

news is a threat to us all.

Did we do it?

save the election.

I think we just did.

Fist bump. No, I'm not there yet,
Miguel.

Someday. Why would I ask?

Coming up next, Walmart has banned the
open carry of guns in their stores,

forcing shoppers to grab products with
their hands rather than shooting them

the shelf.

The lineups are going to be long.

The University of Toronto professor is
on a mission to get Ontario slang into

the Oxford English Dictionary. This will
give great exposure to Canadian slang,

and it's yet another reason for the rest
of Canada to hate Ontario.

But honestly, that's like the linguistic
equivalent of trying to give yourself a

cool nickname.

Do we really need Scuzzy or Bush Party
in the dictionary?

Why not?

Now the rest of the world will
understand when I tell them I got turd

on tenors and screeched the shit out of
my quad.

I didn't understand any of that.

That's when you get drunk on 10 ounce
beers and crash your ATV.

Does anyone really talk like that? Of
course.

Back in high school, I'd get buddy on
the hoon horn and we'd French out a sack

of Burt Blasters.

I have never heard any of the things
you're saying.

You've never sauce paneled a dirt hook?

I... Or wrench whistled your crunch
wheel?

My what? Or racked out a zonker?

What's a zonker?

Well, when you know, you know.

Know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Okay, how about this? You ever jet -hunk
your top -top with a bean blazer?

With my own father, Miguel?

No, what? No, I didn't mean that. I was
making it up. I don't know what I was

saying. Sometimes you go too far, Revis.

Oh, come on.

Fertility.

It can be a chore.

Most women spend our 20s certain we're
pregnant because we took the pill five

seconds late.

To that, I simply say, yuck.

Daddy users mail their spunk in for
quality testing and banking at Daddy's

Boston Lab, giving them the peace of
mind knowing that their secret sauce has

bounced through a UPS facility.

Okay, okay, well, one obvious drawback
here. This robs men of the experience of

shamefully jerking off in a doctor's
office.

True. Plus, critics say the science
behind preemptive reproductive freezing

inconclusive. To unpack that, it's time
for another edition of Wealth and

Hellness.

gross name aside, daddy doesn't seem so
bad. Just blast yourself off into a

thermos and boom, you've got a backup of
your baby batter.

Michelle,

when do you think your fertility will
drop?

My heart says never.

You're wrong.

The answer is we have no idea. The
science is all over the map on sperm

Some studies suggest that freezing your
boob juice when you're young preserves

motility. Others say that the quality of
your boy pudding actually increases

over time.

Wait, wait, hold on. If my gentleman's
relish really confounds science, that

means...

It kind of makes me want to freeze it
even more.

Yes, and that's when they get you. These
companies stoke your confusion and

fear, and then they charge money for
something that you might not even need,

even though no one knows when your poppy
seed dressing will expire.

But, Emma, how much are they charging to
freeze your fun dip?

Well, take Daddy for example. Oh, God,
please stop saying the company's name.

Okay, fine.

Father charges $100 a year to store your
spume.

It might be a total waste of money, but
at least it's cheap. Real cheap. Ten

times cheaper than the industry average.

Ten times cheaper? Last time I bought
something ten times cheaper than a

competitor, I got norovirus.

Never should have bought a Christmas ham
at a yard sale.

Look, we don't really know what's
happening with our fertility, and that

scary. But spending hundreds of dollars
to freeze your penis pollen is probably

not the answer.

Men will just have to learn to live with
the uncertainty like women have. Also,

stop resting your laptop on your scrub
when you're watching Deadwood.

This has been Wealth and Hellness.

When we return, faced with a fortune in
possible legal settlements, Purdue

Pharma is working on a new opioid to
help relieve the pain of getting your

sued.

it sucks.

But sometimes it sucks in a way that
rules.

Often because you can't believe it's
actually real. Those stories live here

segment we call Not the Beaverton.

For years, Apple has been at the
forefront of creating innovative

But ever since Steve Jobs stepped down
as CEO on account of being dead,

many have wondered if the company's out
of good ideas.

From phones too wide for all but the
most enormous of hands, to earbuds so

one dude actually swallowed his, Apple's
really cornering the market on making

your favorite household products a
goddamn nightmare.

And their latest dubious achievement?

The Apple credit card.

Apple promised this would be a new kind
of credit card. And they're right. It is

much, much worse.

This thing is so fussy and delicate, you
might as well pay for brunch with a

small, flat Pomeranian.

It is made out of laser -etched
titanium, which sounds strong and isn't

Apple warns the card can be damaged just
by coming into contact with leather or

denim, which you may know as the
ingredients of wallets and pants.

Other things that might damage it
include keys, loose change, other cards,

can only assume looking at it funny.

The card is so dainty, one company
started marketing a special case for it

that's carved out of hard wood and lined
with ultra suede, which is only

slightly cheaper than the alternative,
hiring four buff men to carry it around

and feed it bonbons.

Seriously, what is happening here?

They have made this so complicated and
failure -ridden that you're better off

not using your credit card at all.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Is Apple secretly trying to curb
household debt by discouraging people

using credit cards?

Dear God, maybe they are.

You can't get yourself into credit card
debt. If your credit card is a useless

chunk of metal, Apple, you minx, you're
back on top!

This has been Not the Beaver Show.

And that's our show. We are off the air
for a few weeks, but be sure to join us

for our election special.

Assuming the election even happens.

And assuming Canada still exists. And
assuming the U .S. doesn't invade to get

our abundant bison meat. And just
remember, when it comes to elections, it

doesn't matter if you win or lose.

Yeah, it does. It's the only thing that
matters.

You're such a cynic. We will see you
soon. We will be right here when you get

back. In fact, Miguel won't have ever
left. Yeah, what?

Someone has to guard my chair.

Oh, okay.

Bye! See you soon!

Yeah.