Original subtitles

The war on terror is 18 years old this week, making it finally old enough to

vote.

Apple has programmed Siri to avoid using the word feminism, landing her a

featured column in the National Post.

And we tell you which stars are in Canada for tip, and which public

we've seen them walk into.

All this and more on the Beaverton.

Wow, thank you so much. Thank you.

Welcome, everyone, to the Beaverson. Emma, how are you doing? Because you're

obsessed with me.

And now it's time for our top stories.

Last week proved that there are bad weeks and there are Boris Johnson bad

His plans to ram through a no -deal Brexit by suspending Parliament failed

the House of Commons voted against it. When told a legislative body used its

power to keep the executive in check, Nancy Pelosi replied, wait a minute.

You can do that? Come on!

After the vote, Johnson lashed out by expelling the 21 Tory MPs who voted

against him, including Nicholas Soames, Winston Churchill's grandson.

Always a sign of how your career is going when you're a 71 -year -old still

being described as a grandson.

The expulsions prompted a wave of cabinet resignations, including one from

Bojo's brother, Joe Johnson.

Wait, wait, wait.

Bojo has a brother named Joe Johnson?

So, JoJo?

That's right, Miguel. They are the JoBros.

Anyway,

JoJo said no -go.

Well, there are more pressing issues. Yesterday, the bill to stop a no -deal

Brexit received royal assent, meaning Johnson is officially royally screwed.

Now, if he fails to comply, he could go to jail, though he'd probably do fine.

Prison is basically eaten with less hazing.

At this point, Boris is probably the most embarrassing UK PM in history, and

are including the one who had to deny having sex with a dead pig.

Turning to Trump and Twitter, the chocolate and peanut butter of the

society. We knew things were bad, but this past week it got worse, which we've

said every week for the past 170 weeks.

I am so tired, Miguel. I know.

Last week, Trump tweeted that Hurricane Dorian would hit Alabama, which some

people described as false.

He was then corrected by the National Weather Service, putting a swift end to

the matter.

It's what we wish we were saying.

Instead, he doubled down with a poorly altered map.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I think the hurricane might want to get that lump

checked out.

And that was the least crazy thing to happen last week. He also lashed out at

Deborah Messing, John Legend, and somehow found time to cancel a secret

David meeting with the Taliban, which is sad because the Taliban were so looking

forward to enjoying Maryland's crisp fall weather.

These talks were canceled after the Taliban claimed responsibility for a car

bomb in Afghanistan. But we heard the real reason is because the Taliban

to comply with Trump's request to call Chrissy Teigen a disaster.

But hey, canceling the meeting is probably the right move for Trump. This

Taliban. Their whole goal is to destroy America.

And Trump certainly doesn't need anyone's help with that, thank you.

But last week wasn't all world leaders forgetting to take their medication.

On Saturday, Bianca Andreescu became the biggest Canadian teen sensation.

It's Justin Bieber.

Wow, so impressive.

But unlike Bieber, she hopefully won't use her time in the spotlight to insult

Anne Frank.

That's right, Bianca won the U .S. Open, and Bianca's mom won my absolute

desperation to please her.

I just want her to like me. Is this smile big enough? Am I doing okay up

Bianca's mom?

After her victory on Drescu gave the most Canadian interview ever,

to the crowd for beating the hometown favorite. If she was any more Canadian,

she'd sell tanks to Saudi Arabia.

The Toronto native $3 .8 million winning means she can finally afford that down

payment on a one -bedroom condo.

Of course, Andreescu is about to sign plenty of endorsements, but none more

important than her mother's deal with Tresemme. You have just the greatest

Bianca's mom.

are inspired by Bianca's story, a first -generation immigrant whose meteoric

rise was somehow unfettered by the struggles of being born in Mississauga.

Horrible place.

And let's not forget, she's only 19 years old. Miguel, what did you

by the time you were 19?

Well, I too won an important tennis match. Totally annihilated my 12 -year

brother in straight sets.

What about you?

Let's just say I was smashing a lot of balls too.

So I guess we're both doing pretty okay over here. I'd say.

We all know gig economy workers are underpaid. Whether it's Uber drivers

on strike, Foodora riders trying to unionize, or app -based male gigolos

struggling for the same rights as their European counterparts.

But why do these tech giants have such trouble paying a living wage? For more,

we're joined by our own Dave Barclay.

Dave, remember?

Yes, of course. Hi, Dave. Now, Uber is valued at over $55 billion, and Lyft is

worth more than $13 billion.

How come they can't afford to pay their workforce more?

Well, it's important to know that collectively, those companies lost

billion last quarter.

That's over a billion dollars last nickel.

I don't think that's what quarter means.

Hey, I'm a tech guy, not a finance guy.

But why do they lose so much money? I order Ubers all the time. Not to go

anywhere. I just like to look at that little car going around on that little

map.

Because, at the end of the day, they're not a novel product.

They're a discount taxi company.

Taxi drivers already don't make enough money as it is. That's why they

moonlight, as Uber drivers.

So if Uber and Lyft just hemorrhage money, then why are they still in

Because Silicon Valley disrupts everything!

Even the way the economy functions.

Here's how they work. Picture Uber as a badly mutilated cash cow.

But it's being kept alive by investors, like a cash cow hooked up to a Swiss

blood boy.

What is a blood boy?

It's a boy whose blood you pump into your body so you have the vitality to

invent new, cool -sounding apps.

That's insane!

Hey, there's nothing crazy about thinking apps have cool -sounding names.

I mean the blood boy thing, Dave.

Miguel, I think you don't understand technology, okay?

The investors keep pumping in money because they think that when Uber has a

world monopoly, they'll be able to charge whatever they want and make their

money back. Like a cash cow hooked up to a Swiss blood boy owned by John D.

Rockefeller.

It's a mixed metaphor, but I think it gets the point across.

From the sounds of it, the success of these apps are kind of a fantasy.

Yes. Now you're getting it. In Silicon Valley, a tech startup with a billion

-dollar valuation is known as a unicorn.

But as we all know, the Northern California unicorn was hunted to

during the dot -com boom of the late 90s.

Magical and tragical.

We're just repeating the same mistakes we made 20 years ago. Is there anything

they could do to improve their bottom line? Well, like I said, I'm a tech guy,

not a business guy. But if I had to suggest something, I would recommend

offer a good and or service that could potentially make a profit.

Profiting from goods and services? Now who's being innovative?

Dave Barclay, everybody.

Wow. Right?

Yeah.

When we return, Crudeau will be skipping two major leader debates, while the

average Canadian plans on skipping all five.

There's a smell in the air, and for once, it's not Miguel's hair product.

It's the crisp, energizing scent of democracy, which can mean only one

It's federal election season.

And while it's always fun to hear slogans generated by whichever party

was closest to a thesaurus, voting can be kind of a pain. The lines are long,

and there's a good chance you're doing it in a school gymnasium, the site of

your greatest humiliation.

And yet somehow when you stuff that ballot into a box guarded by an old

it all feels worth it.

But what if the biggest election issue has nothing to do with the parties or

their platforms at all? I'm talking, of course, about foreign election

interference and its favorite weapon, fake news.

Minister of Foreign Affairs Chrystia Freeland had this to say about its

to our upcoming election.

Interference is very likely.

and we think there have probably already been efforts by malign foreign actors

to disrupt our democracy.

Pretty likely. Wow. You're probably asking, why would a hostile foreign

want to interfere in the elections of a little, old, second -biggest -country,

resource -rich G7 economy like Canada?

The goal of fake news isn't to get a specific person elected. It's about

creating discord and apathy to undermine faith in democratic institutions.

So sometimes, those things come together in one moist package.

But fret not, potential voters. The Beaverton has got your back with our

-dandy guide to spotting fake news.

Okay, okay.

First things first. In order to spot fake news, you need to be media

For instance, if your primary source of news is us, that's a sign you're not

media literate.

Seriously, please stop doing that. An actual news broadcast is on a half an

from now.

Watch that.

Second, fake news thrives on social media, and social media thrives on not

caring about that.

So the next time you're logged on, treat any piece of news you see with the same

skepticism you would a guy in a bar who says you can crash on his boat.

Next, check who wrote the article, then Google them. If their bio says, destroy

globalism, I'm going to say take that one off your bookmark list.

And before you share a story, check to see if it makes you of sources. As a

general rule, journalism should adhere to the same standards as a grade 6 book

report.

And while you're at it, check the URL. The webpage might say CBS News, but if

the address is something like cbs .moldova .hornyhousewives .org...

There's a good chance it's fake news.

Listen, the real CBS hasn't done a horny housewife story in years.

If this sounds like a lot to remember, don't worry. We have set up some of our

own URLs you can go to that offer a few more tools to help you spot fake news.

The best part? These URLs are scientifically proven to attract every

generation. So feel free to pass them on to your idiot friends, parents, or kids

who might need a little help recognizing misinformation.

First up, the demographic who are seven times more likely to fall for fake news

and a million times more likely to be watching this on television.

Baby boomers.

Hey, hip cats, turn down that Grand Funk Railroad LP, hike up those khakis, and

boogie on over to handsomemansbridge .com.

All right. Next up, Gen X.

What's up?

Turn down that Pearl Jam CD, hike up your skate shorts, and swing on over to

Kurt CobainMemorialPizza .pizza.

Or whatever.

Ooh, millennial time.

Here's the tea.

Staying woke is like a huge mood, so turn down your SoundCloud, hike up those

juicy sweats, and bounce on over to Yas .org.

That's Yas with five As.

Full disclosure, they all link to the media literacy site Apathy is Boring,

which it totally is, so check it out or else.

Now, of course, if you're from Generation Z, all this media literacy

pretty much second nature to you. But you can help. Take some time to pass on

your skills to an old.

Yeah, think of it as helping a parent set up their Wi -Fi password for

democracy.

Because until we lower the minimum and also the maximum voting age to 16, fake

news is a threat to us all.

Did we do it?

save the election.

I think we just did.

Fist bump. No, I'm not there yet, Miguel.

Someday. Why would I ask?

Coming up next, Walmart has banned the open carry of guns in their stores,

forcing shoppers to grab products with their hands rather than shooting them

the shelf.

The lineups are going to be long.

The University of Toronto professor is on a mission to get Ontario slang into

the Oxford English Dictionary. This will give great exposure to Canadian slang,

and it's yet another reason for the rest of Canada to hate Ontario.

But honestly, that's like the linguistic equivalent of trying to give yourself a

cool nickname.

Do we really need Scuzzy or Bush Party in the dictionary?

Why not?

Now the rest of the world will understand when I tell them I got turd

on tenors and screeched the shit out of my quad.

I didn't understand any of that.

That's when you get drunk on 10 ounce beers and crash your ATV.

Does anyone really talk like that? Of course.

Back in high school, I'd get buddy on the hoon horn and we'd French out a sack

of Burt Blasters.

I have never heard any of the things you're saying.

You've never sauce paneled a dirt hook?

I... Or wrench whistled your crunch wheel?

My what? Or racked out a zonker?

What's a zonker?

Well, when you know, you know.

Know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Okay, how about this? You ever jet -hunk your top -top with a bean blazer?

With my own father, Miguel?

No, what? No, I didn't mean that. I was making it up. I don't know what I was

saying. Sometimes you go too far, Revis.

Oh, come on.

Fertility.

It can be a chore.

Most women spend our 20s certain we're pregnant because we took the pill five

seconds late.

To that, I simply say, yuck.

Daddy users mail their spunk in for quality testing and banking at Daddy's

Boston Lab, giving them the peace of mind knowing that their secret sauce has

bounced through a UPS facility.

Okay, okay, well, one obvious drawback here. This robs men of the experience of

shamefully jerking off in a doctor's office.

True. Plus, critics say the science behind preemptive reproductive freezing

inconclusive. To unpack that, it's time for another edition of Wealth and

Hellness.

gross name aside, daddy doesn't seem so bad. Just blast yourself off into a

thermos and boom, you've got a backup of your baby batter.

Michelle,

when do you think your fertility will drop?

My heart says never.

You're wrong.

The answer is we have no idea. The science is all over the map on sperm

Some studies suggest that freezing your boob juice when you're young preserves

motility. Others say that the quality of your boy pudding actually increases

over time.

Wait, wait, hold on. If my gentleman's relish really confounds science, that

means...

It kind of makes me want to freeze it even more.

Yes, and that's when they get you. These companies stoke your confusion and

fear, and then they charge money for something that you might not even need,

even though no one knows when your poppy seed dressing will expire.

But, Emma, how much are they charging to freeze your fun dip?

Well, take Daddy for example. Oh, God, please stop saying the company's name.

Okay, fine.

Father charges $100 a year to store your spume.

It might be a total waste of money, but at least it's cheap. Real cheap. Ten

times cheaper than the industry average.

Ten times cheaper? Last time I bought something ten times cheaper than a

competitor, I got norovirus.

Never should have bought a Christmas ham at a yard sale.

Look, we don't really know what's happening with our fertility, and that

scary. But spending hundreds of dollars to freeze your penis pollen is probably

not the answer.

Men will just have to learn to live with the uncertainty like women have. Also,

stop resting your laptop on your scrub when you're watching Deadwood.

This has been Wealth and Hellness.

When we return, faced with a fortune in possible legal settlements, Purdue

Pharma is working on a new opioid to help relieve the pain of getting your

sued.

it sucks.

But sometimes it sucks in a way that rules.

Often because you can't believe it's actually real. Those stories live here

segment we call Not the Beaverton.

For years, Apple has been at the forefront of creating innovative

But ever since Steve Jobs stepped down as CEO on account of being dead,

many have wondered if the company's out of good ideas.

From phones too wide for all but the most enormous of hands, to earbuds so

one dude actually swallowed his, Apple's really cornering the market on making

your favorite household products a goddamn nightmare.

And their latest dubious achievement?

The Apple credit card.

Apple promised this would be a new kind of credit card. And they're right. It is

much, much worse.

This thing is so fussy and delicate, you might as well pay for brunch with a

small, flat Pomeranian.

It is made out of laser -etched titanium, which sounds strong and isn't

Apple warns the card can be damaged just by coming into contact with leather or

denim, which you may know as the ingredients of wallets and pants.

Other things that might damage it include keys, loose change, other cards,

can only assume looking at it funny.

The card is so dainty, one company started marketing a special case for it

that's carved out of hard wood and lined with ultra suede, which is only

slightly cheaper than the alternative, hiring four buff men to carry it around

and feed it bonbons.

Seriously, what is happening here?

They have made this so complicated and failure -ridden that you're better off

not using your credit card at all.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Is Apple secretly trying to curb household debt by discouraging people

using credit cards?

Dear God, maybe they are.

You can't get yourself into credit card debt. If your credit card is a useless

chunk of metal, Apple, you minx, you're back on top!

This has been Not the Beaver Show.

And that's our show. We are off the air for a few weeks, but be sure to join us

for our election special.

Assuming the election even happens.

And assuming Canada still exists. And assuming the U .S. doesn't invade to get

our abundant bison meat. And just remember, when it comes to elections, it

doesn't matter if you win or lose.

Yeah, it does. It's the only thing that matters.

You're such a cynic. We will see you soon. We will be right here when you get

back. In fact, Miguel won't have ever left. Yeah, what?

Someone has to guard my chair.

Oh, okay.

Bye! See you soon!

Yeah.