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44 ,000 troops to fight the Amazon wildfires, but grenades only seem to be

making it angrier.

Joe Biden falls in the poll, breaking his hip.

And to prepare for its potential bankruptcy filing, Forever 21 changes

to Forever Chapter 11.

All this and more on the Beaverton.

the beaver cook.

Emma. Emma, how are your kids? Wow, wow. It is amazing how you always make it

about you.

Let's begin with tonight's top stories.

Last week, British PM and clone of all three stooges, Boris Johnson sought and

was granted permission by the Queen to suspend Parliament.

Unless the opposition can figure something out, this will leave British

lawmakers with almost no time to debate the single biggest thing to happen to

the UK since the riots over Zane leaving One Direction.

Dark times.

Very dark times. When asked if his actions were about stifling debate,

had this to say.

That is completely untrue. If you look at what we're doing, we're bringing

forward a new legislative program and there will be ample time, ample time in

Parliament. for MPs to debate.

The ample time to debate he's talking about? It's about a week.

Last time I tried to solve all my problems in a week, I panicked and

timeshare in Orlando.

Some people held out hope the Queen might refuse Bojo's request.

You know your democracy's in trouble when your best chance of preserving it

monarch who was chosen by God.

Then again, maybe the... Queen is pro -Brexit. For all we know, she sees it as

her best chance to get rid of her least favorite Greek immigrant.

Citizens took to the streets in protest as opposition members and even many

conservatives expressed their outrage at Johnson's actions. Outrage that Tory

House leader and pro -Brexit flunky Jacob Rees -Mogg called phony.

Phony? Funny? You're a non - magician who wears a top hat.

What the hot spicy hell would you know about what real people are feeling?

Obviously, this story is moving fast. For all we know, in the time we've been

talking, the entire UK has collapsed into warring tribes fighting it out for

that last scoop of Marmite.

But whatever happens, the whole thing has the feel of a sad farce, like an

episode of Mr. Bean, but where he starves at the end.

Andrew Scheer, conservative party leader and man who looks like a cat holding a

live bird inside his mouth.

Last we checked, Andy was under fire for his views on LGBTQ rights. But he

managed to move the media off that and onto his views on women's rights.

Last week, Scheer's Quebec lieutenant told people there would be no anti

legislation put forward under a Scheer government.

Then he admitted backbench MPs actually can introduce bills restricting a

woman's right to tooth.

Then Scheer gave a press conference saying he would oppose this.

If that sounds confusing, it's because it is.

The last time Scheer was this uncertain was when he was asked which book in the

Bible is his favorite.

Turns out they all are.

Scheer tries to play coy on abortion, but it's clear from his earlier

that he thinks it should be illegal.

Although, to be fair, he does support a woman's legal right to have a period.

Quick tip, Andrew. Next time someone asks what you will do about abortion,

lying. Have you heard about lying?

It's great.

Great. The controversy comes as Scheer's lead in the polls is dropping to

Trudeau, which liberal insiders attribute to their brilliant strategy of

letting Scheer speak into microphones.

He's not very good at it.

You know, for someone so anti -choice, he seems totally fine with aborting his

chances of winning the election.

Hey, maybe it's all strategy.

You don't like that? Could be.

By opposing gay marriage and women's rights, Scheer could be well -positioned

lead the Tories to an electoral majority in 1974.

Last week, the Trump administration announced a rollback of regulations on

methane gas emissions to the delight of middle schoolers everywhere.

And the relief of millions of cows' buttholes on clenching.

Methane, of course, has more than 80 times the heat -trapping potential of

making it the most silent but deadly threat to the environment.

Nice. Thank you.

Many influential voices, however, have spoken out against the deregulations,

including Exxon, Shell, and Melania, who we can only assume has been Dutch

-ovened more times than a vat of baked beans.

So the fact that even the oil and gas industry didn't ask for this makes us

wonder, is Trump in the pocket of big flatulence?

They do have a potent lobby.

I mean, it makes perfect sense that a guy who eats mostly Taco Bell and

McDonald's is against methane reduction.

It's the second most common greenhouse gas and most common reason for clearing

out the Oval Office.

Now, it's clear Trump is only repealing this legislation because it was enacted

by Obama.

At this point, you have to think that if he found out Obama passed the Penis

Protection Act, Trump would call a press conference just to smash his dingus

with a hammer.

But more importantly, this is just Trump extending a massive middle finger to

environmentalists and then asking them to pull it.

Fart jokes!

This week marks the start of the 100th season of the NFL.

For those unfamiliar, the NFL is the American version of the CFL.

For the last decade, the NFL has been the most popular product on TV.

But as with other top -rated shows, the NFL has a dark side.

It's had its share of racism scandals, like Seinfeld.

And like Friends, it's dealt poorly with its epidemic of concussions.

Miguel, there is just so much wrong with the NFL. I feel like we just need to

go... for a minute. Well, then I guess it's time for our new segment, Going

The NFL?

It's the freaking worst, man.

It's like dog fighting for humans, if dog fighting was less humane and still

involved NFL players.

The NFL blackballs its stars who make a stand for social issues, but it still

employs ones accused of domestic abuse.

Oh, my God, I know. And now they're even making our beloved music stars seem

like craven opportunists. Come on, NFL.

You're Jay -Z's worst collaboration ever. And he did two albums with R.

And the NFL did nothing to reprimand New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft.

A billionaire who spent the off -season fighting charges of being caught on

camera during a sex trafficking thing at a rub -and -tug. Right?

Although, I will give a qualified shout -out to Kraft Lawyers for preventing the

tapes from being released.

Keeping the world from seeing a 78 -year -old allegedly get an H .J. is money

well -earned.

Okay, but where were we? Hey, I'm on the NFL!

Oh, yeah!

Even its fans are the worst.

When quarterback Andrew Luck decided to retire at 29 because of crippling pain,

Colts fans gave him a full -on anti -Rudy moment and booed his ass off the

field. Boo!

How dare this man walk away while he can still walk? Well, that sucks!

I deserve to see him suffer, too!

Hey. Hey, Colts fans, unlike many former NFL players, your brains still work.

Use them! Yeah!

It's nuts! How can society keep compromising its values like this? And

so I can enjoy my fantasy football team, the New Orleans Taint.

Three -time champ, FYI, I'm just saying. But I would trade it all if the NFL

would just get a grip.

But they can't, because the NFL is a microcosm of America, a good idea cocked

by a bunch of evil rich guys profiting off the bodily harm of others, cheered

by drunk dipshits in a parking lot.

Word! Word!

This has been...

Barbie is adding Rosa Parks and Sally Ride to its Inspiring Women series,

fulfilling their final wish, being turned into objectified playthings. You

to see that?

Welcome

back.

After weeks of being bombarded with texts about who we will vote for in the

upcoming election, the inevitable has happened. Thousands of Canadians are

having an emotional affair with Sarah from the Conservative Party.

Many salacious details have emerged as Canadians started telling Sarah our

secrets and dreams and then proceeded to get real dirty.

Of course, we know that we'll never actually be with Sarah, but that hasn't

stopped us from fantasizing about what it would be like building a pipeline

-in -hand, vacationing in a Caribbean tax haven, orgasming while thinking

reducing immigration rates.

For many Canadians, Sarah from the Conservative Party has become our

the AI from the movie Her, a cipher to which we can attribute all our desired

attributes. Plus, she's so much hotter than that libtard Alexa.

But having opened this Pandora's box, the Conservative Party says the

must come to an end, as they do not approve of Sarah's record levels of

polyamory, and aren't even sure they want to be in charge of a country as

as Canada.

Also, they are sick of receiving 500 dick pics a day.

Conservative pundit and Ann Coulter prequel Tommy Lahren has unveiled a new

-based initiative, a line of yoga pants for America First Patriot that are made

in China.

Lahren's collaborating with Alexa Athletica, a brand known for making its

products in the all -American state of Guangzhou.

Millions of Republican women from Stacey B to Stacey C are lining up to get

their hands on these star -spangled leggings, hoping they offer Alexa's

signature feature, a lycra pocket for packing a firearm.

Wow. Flattering and lethal. And it fits perfectly with Republican policy.

They don't want women to have abortions, but they're fine with you pointing a

gun directly at your vagina.

So namaste, Tommy and Alexa. We salute your patriotism. To the president, Xi

Jinping.

Across the country, school is back in session.

Also across the country, conservative provincial governments are making cuts

education. In Ontario alone, Doug Ford's cuts are forcing school boards to lay

off hundreds of staff, threatening the lives of countless classroom gerbils.

Here with her take on the issue is Beaverton correspondent and education

enthusiast, Lisa Gilroy.

On the first day of school this year, students probably noticed that the old

schoolhouse was missing out on some of the fancier things in life, like

teachers, pencils, and space to sit down and also to move and stand.

Well, that doesn't sound great, Lisa. Yes, Miguel. Many across the country

like you, boohooing, but I believe we should be woohooing.

And I'll tell you why.

This is all for the children's own good. For too long, they've been coddled with

frills like vaccination programs, outside time, and math.

So what do you suggest?

Well, we need to prepare kids for the world of tomorrow. If we keep spoiling

them with trinkets like new books, they're going to get their soft little

kicked in the water wars.

But what about in -school vaccine programs? Shouldn't we want our children

healthy so that their soft little asses can win the water wars?

Well, I say let nature decide which kids are strong enough and cool enough to

remain alive.

I mean, not to be rude, but if the only thing stopping you from getting rubella

or polio is a vaccine, then you're weak.

Okay, so in the world of tomorrow, strong kids are a priority.

But what about smart kids? Or hot kids?

Hot kids will always thrive, Emma.

But with budget cuts that lead to curriculum cuts, smart kids will become

obsolete. So long, arts and music, and hello, gym and second gym.

I learned jumping in gym.

Okay.

And while we're at it, replace home economics with the more real -world

applicable home trickle -down economics.

Okay, I'm almost afraid to ask, but what is that?

That's where kids in private schools learn home economics while poor kids

through a window.

No!

No!

Sympathy is weakness.

Plus, if kids don't like it, they're free to skip the education system

altogether. Alberta just lowered the minimum wage for workers under 18.

So who knows? If we keep this up, maybe we'll resurrect our once booming chimney

sweep economy.

As Oliver Twist once said, and I quote, Oliver

Twist wasn't a chimney sweep.

And he was famously not full.

Lisa, do you hear that when you're talking? What a bummer you are when

educated?

Well, thankfully, we won't have to deal with that kind of stuff much longer.

I am obligated to thank you for coming on here, but I did not like what you had

to say. Yeah, me neither.

I stopped listening after I'm obligated to thank you.

Okay, you're welcome.

Lisa Gilroy, everybody. Lisa Gilroy.

growing up in a world that's completely toxic. And like the diaper genie I keep

forgetting to empty, it's getting worse before it gets better.

But like alt -right trolls and upcoming Lena Dunham projects, the Internet is

something my kids will just have to learn to deal with.

Here to talk about the online cesspool the next generation will inherit is the

Beaverton's dangers of youth culture enthusiast, Andrew Fung.

Andrew, I'm surprised you're so chipper.

Our kids are around the same age. Aren't you concerned about their exposure to

social media?

Yeah, I know social media seems awful.

But that's because the 40 -year -olds who report on the Internet only cover

platforms they've heard of.

But you're 40.

Now that I think of it, why is our youth correspondent older than the both of

us? Oh, I didn't want to say.

Because I haven't lost my sense of childlike wonder.

So I took a nut!

Respectfully, Andrew, I will not.

Look, there's a whole ecosystem of dank memes made by and for Gen Z that has me

shook. And it's all happening on TikTok.

Not on Instagram?

Hell no, Emma. That's for old -ass millennials.

TikTok is more widely used now than Twitter and Instagram combined.

But wait, isn't their parent company in bed with the Chinese government who

famously repressed speech? Oh, God.

You two assume the worst of the internet.

It's like you're constantly looking for the sequel to Two Girls, One Cup.

I hope both girls get a cup this time.

Hashtag feminism.

Honestly, kids just mostly use TikTok to lip sync to the classics, like Call Me

Maybe and Wrecking Ball.

Wait, is it Wrecking Ball is old?

Yeah, Emma, we do.

Andrew, are you telling me they're just using social media to be social?

Isn't TikTok also used to data mine kids?

A thing can be two things, Miguel.

Youth like me have just accepted a little data theft is just the price you

to pay to do the Yeehaw challenge.

But TikTok is still susceptible to the same toxic system of chasing likes and

followers. Posting constant photos and videos of yourself, it's got to mess

these kids' self -esteem.

Nah, man. It's geriatric 20 -somethings who are retouching their selfies into an

anxiety disorder.

When Gen Z wants to look smoother, they just have the good sense to just be

young.

Plus, by shooting, editing, and distributing their own content, these

preparing themselves for the only job of the future, social media manager.

So the sassy Taco Bell Twitter account will be in good hands?

Exactly. When Gen Z inherited the Internet from you guys, you guys gave

real lemon. But they're making digital lemonade. And this time, not at

LemonParty .org.

What is lemonparty .org?

Maybe I'll just tell her after the show.

It's three old dudes having an orgy. That's what it is. Well,

you learn something new every day.

Andrew Fong, everyone.

With a net worth of over $160 billion, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is the wealthiest

man alive and the owner of the world's smoothest head.

But lately, this sentient magic eight ball is finding his outlook is not so

good. Bezos has long tried to portray himself as someone on the side of

progressives. He owns the Washington Post.

He's vehemently anti -Trump, and as a true feminist, he's doing everything he

can to put a woman on the list of Forbes' richest people.

Inspiring.

But he'll never be fully embraced by the left until he does something about his

warehouse working conditions.

One former employee even alleged they couldn't take bathroom breaks and had to

urinate in bottles.

I mean, how much urine does Jeff Bezos need?

But then... Thankfully, we have a solution for Bezos to finally win over

working class.

And it's the subject of a little segment we call, Let Me Explain.

Forget workers peeing in bottles. They should make them poo in bottles.

That's so much worse.

Exactly, because Bezos should treat his workers even worse. Why are you

encouraging him?

Let me explain.

Do you love your ancestors, Miguel?

Sure, some of them. Okay.

Well, our ancestors put up with working conditions that would make crapping in a

jar seem like a walk in the park.

My great -great -grandfather worked in a coal mine.

I mean, a lot of people did.

As the canary!

They kept it in a cage and everything.

The point is, our forebears were maimed by enough machinery that it pushed them

over the edge to unionize, which led to weekends, eight -hour work days, and

Sally Field's Oscar -winning performance in Norma Rae.

Yes. Unions protect workers' rights and safety, but we have spent the last 50

years demonizing unions to the point where we're back to where we started,

drowning in our own sorrow and pain.

Okay, so in a way, history is repeating itself. I'm laughing and learning. Yep.

And as bad as things are right now, they have to get absolutely disgusting for

workers to snap and say, eat it, Bezos, and demand their rights.

Oh, God, what do you want Bezos to do?

His bald worst.

Motivational circus clown.

Slam poetry every hour on the hour. Hell, release skunks in the break room.

My God, this is diabolical, but genius.

Exactly. As I learned from my recent hot yoga class, there's only so much the

human body can endure.

Yes. And once Amazon workers reach a boiling point, they'll stand up for

rights and seize a brighter future. Right. And ride basil surrounds like a

donkey. Hell yeah.

That's the end of our show.

Join us next time when we talk about how an internal watchdog found that James

Comey broke protocol with his Trump memo. And if he's not careful, his

the FBI will be over.

Bye.