All language subtitles for The Beaverton s03e02

Russia's opposition leader has been
hospitalized after suffering an allergic

reaction to being poisoned.

Democrats are expressing concern about
Joe Biden's age, fearing that he's too

young to woo Trump voters.

And as unprecedented heat waves wrack
the world, we wonder, is climate change

blame for the changing climate?

All this and more on the Beaverton.

Back to the Beaverton, where bad news is
good news, and good news is hard to

make jokes about.

Let's begin with tonight's top stories.

Over the weekend, President Trump lashed
out at Maryland Representative Elijah

Cummings on Twitter, calling his
district, which has a large African

population, a disgusting rat and rodent
-infested mess.

And a place no human being would want to
live.

Words that some people might call
racist. And by some people, we mean

And by might, we mean should.

Not that it's a surprise. At this point,
Trump saying something racist on

Twitter is like the Rolling Stones
playing Satisfaction. You gotta give the

what they want.

But after Trump's tweets at four
congresswomen of color, plus his birther

with Obama, plus almost everything in
between, you gotta wonder, are we stuck

a race time loop?

I mean, the signs are there. Trump's on
a bigoted rampage.

Impeachment is going to start any day
now.

Quentin Tarantino's got a problematic
film at the box office.

It's the same day over and over and over
again.

Between Russian Doll and Chernobyl, I
did not expect Russian Doll to be the

realistic show to come out this year.

Now, the only way to break a time loop
is to address the bad behavior causing

it. So naturally, Trump doubled down,
accusing Representative Cummings of

racist. The classic, I know you are, but
what am I, defense.

Ah, yes, the playground retort. The most
presidential piece of rhetoric.

Lincoln famously told critics who called
him a dictator, I'm rubber, you're

glue.

And who could forget FDR's famous, he
who smelt it, dealt it speech.

Great speech.

P .U.

But it wasn't all sunburns and racism
for Trump. On Friday, the Supreme Court

paved the way for the president to
divert funding from the Pentagon to pay

his border wall.

It was his second most important
campaign promise after vowing to reopen

54.

Trump, of course, promised that Mexico
was going to pay for the wall. But we

don't have all the details yet. It's
still very possible that money is being

diverted from the Mexican Pentagon.

You have to admit, it's refreshing that
the party of fiscal responsibility is

spending $2 .5 billion on something you
can climb with six bucks worth of rope.

But here's something no one is
considering. Taking money away from the

-industrial complex for a useless
stretch of concrete slabs is a

good waste of money.

Look, we all know the wall will never be
built, and now the Pentagon has less

money to bomb civilians on the other
side of the world. It's win -win!

Plus, all that extra construction money
is going to be a boon for Trump's

friends in Arizona's struggling Sicilian
mafia.

So let's thank the Supreme Court.
They've set a precedent for future

administrations that they can divert
military funding and spend it on an

crisis, like climate change.

That's a good one, Miguel.

Like they never let that happen.

Come on.

Turning to Great Britain, where Boris
Johnson is the current and likely last

prime minister.

His appointment is seen as a victory for
those who prefer a sharp break from the

EU or a hard Brexit, and a defeat for
those who wanted to maintain close ties,

aka a soft Brexit.

By the way, hard and soft are not words
you want to use when talking about Boris

Johnson.

Thank you.

Now that Boris is PM, it seems only
right that we apologize for some of the

things that we have said in the past
that were inaccurate.

For instance...

We previously said that he trampled a
child in 2014, when actually that

in 2050.

We also claimed he looked like a
possessed Victorian schoolboy, even

is clearly Gary Busey at a wedding.

Finally, we said he was England's Donald
Trump, but he is actually the Donald

Trump of England, Scotland, Northern
Ireland, and Wales.

Our apologies.

Johnson moved quickly, firing over a
dozen ministers and replacing them with

people willing to support leaving the EU
without a deal.

The Tory party has basically been taken
over by the far right. It's like in

Winter Soldier when it turned out Hydra
was secretly running S .H .I .E .L .D.,

only with no Captain America and somehow
more Nazis.

But things aren't all bad for Boris.
China has already invited him to visit

Kong, so he can show the protesters that
democracy doesn't work.

Good plan.

We've all had fun at the expense of real
news, but sometimes it's easier on our

souls to just make it up, which is why
it's time for the counterfeit news.

If you live in Canada, you've probably
received a robotext from Sarah asking

your opinion on the Conservative Party.
This spam program is the brainchild of

the Conservative Party's new campaign
head, a Nigerian prince.

The Nigerian prince first found success
using email to steal hundreds of

thousands of dollars from tech -impaired
old people.

Seeing as that is the main conservative
demographic, it was a match made in

heaven.

In the lead -up to the election, the
campaign plans to roll out a series of

highly effective voter outreach scams.
These include pop -up ads for pills that

increase the size of your electorate,
and an army of sexy online catfish who

love pipelines as much as they hate
meeting in public.

Now, while many Canadians were annoyed
by the unsolicited messages, they are

thankful that this time at least it
wasn't a shirtless selfie from Tony

That's nice. You like to see that.

Maxime Bernier, the answer to the
question, what if Donald Trump wasn't

famous and had a thick French accent?

The People's Party of Canada leader
famously split from the Conservatives

fears they weren't taking immigration
seriously enough, which is why last week

he revealed a proposal to build a fence
on the Canada -U .S. border.

Because if municipal pools have taught
us anything, it's that fences are

impenetrable.

And he's not stopping at a fence.

Bernier has proposed festooning all of
Sault Ste. Marie with motion sensor

lights.

So if you live there or you're an
irregular border crosser, try not to

around too much after dark.

He also plans to keep the poor and
huddled masses from crossing the Peace

by putting up a big beware of dogs sign.
But not telling anyone there's no dog.

But his grandest plan is to hook up the
entire Canadian border to alarm.

force. A deal at only 25 bucks a month.

Wow. That's a deal. Maxime Bernier,
frugal and hateful.

Racist treats aside, Donald Trump really
threw us all for a loop last week by

attempting to get rapper A $AP Rocky
released from a Swedish prison.

But why did Trump rush to the aid of a
young black artist he'd never heard of?

Was he lured in by the shiny dollar sign
in Rocky's moniker?

Or was it the influence of newly minted
prison reform advocate Kim Kardashian

West?

It's the latter, and it's the subject of
tonight's Point Counterpoint. Is Kim

Kardashian America's last hope?

Oh, God, no. Now, you know I love my KKW
nude creme lipstick, okay?

And sure, propping off your own sex tape
is just good horny business.

Sure. But, Kim, the second prettiest
Kardashian as America's savior, that's

going to be a no from me, Doug.

She's not perfect, obviously, but in
these dire times, we've got to think

outside of reality, like a reality star.

Kim may not seem like the hero America
needs right now, but damn it, she's the

hero it deserves.

Oh, really?

A culture vulture who recently tried to
trademark the word kimono?

Because, I don't know, it has her name
in it?

I don't know. Trump barely lifts a
finger to get his beloved McMuffin from

to mouth, but swiftly pardons a life
sentence prisoner when Kim shoots him a

text? She's like the Trump whisperer or
something.

Big whoops. She also pees in her Spanx
because they aren't crotchless enough.

You try getting 17 first -time
nonviolent drug offenders out of jail

you're in full glam.

Not gonna happen. Come on, Miguel. It's
all just a urine -soaked PR stunt, okay?

She decided she wants to be a lawyer
like Daddy, and she chose a spicy issue

like prison reform as her sex... way in.
Okay. Regardless, she's highlighting a

real systemic problem and making
significant changes. Okay.

And even if you don't buy her advocacy
at all, you have to admit, celebrity is

the only thing that can influence this
government.

That's why we need her.

Okay. And I guess the only way to
neutralize Trump is with a sexy female

Yes! Yes!

Okay. And doesn't a Kardashian run
America sound better than the current

Well, we'd all have big juicy butts.

so many children.

Kim, if you're watching this, and I know
that you are. We know you're watching

this, Kim. Keep up the great work. Get
ASAP Rocky out of jail.

Hell, get rid of mandatory minimum.

Yeah, and don't stop there. Get rid of
the electoral college.

Start a lobbying firm with Bieber to get
those kids out of cages.

Thank you. Also, maybe put a pee -pee
hole in your spank.

You know what I'm saying?

Why was that the last one?

Well, it matters. When we come back,
Robert Mueller expresses frustration

everyone's focusing on his testimony and
not his upcoming rap album.

Welcome back.

Faced with dropping poll numbers, Tory
leader Andrew Scheer has taken the

logical step to win seats in Ontario,
locking Premier Doug Ford in a

bunker.

Yeah.

Scheer lured Ford to the bunker by
telling him there was a dead body down

he could poke with a stick.

But Ford has adjusted well. He spends
his days stacking $1 beers, putting anti

-carbon tack stickers on the generator.

And teaching a reduced sex ed curriculum
to the rats in the wall.

The liberals have naturally condemned
Scheer's handling of Ford, but the NDP

not seem to object.

Many new Democrats have even called
Scheer and asked if there's room down

for Jagmeet Singh.

On -screen diversity is on the rise in
Hollywood, making it one of the only

areas in which the world may not be
going to hell.

Which is why Marvel fans were thrilled
to hear about the new blockbuster

superhero movie, Shang -Chi and the
Legend of the Ten Rings.

Little did we know the star of the film
would be from our very own sleepy

lakeside town of Toronto.

It's our, you know, our great honor
today to welcome to the show the Marvel

Cinematic Universe's newest leading man,
Seymour Ewing.

has been at the forefront of an
important advancement in modern cinema,

representative casting.

So how does it feel to be a part of
that?

Emma, ever since I was a small jack
child, I knew I always wanted to be a

superhero, but I never saw anybody like
me on screen.

It feels great to finally represent my
people on the big stage.

Asian people. Canadians.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, did you just say Canadians?

That's right. I'm the very first
Canadian lead of their very own Marvel

Cinematic Universe film.

Maybe even any film. I haven't checked.

Maybe you should check.

And yes, the MCU has done an amazing job
representing people like me in smaller

roles. You're Rachel McAdamses, you're
Cobie Smulder. But this is the first

a Canadian is taking top billing. And
now, a little girl in Montreal or some

other backwater will be able to see
herself on screen because of me.

Now, obviously, Black Panther and
Captain Marvel were important for on

diversity, but how necessary is it for
Canadians to be depicted as superheroes?

Oh. Absolutely necessary.

American heroes always rush into
conflict headfirst, but where is that

Canadian passive aggression?

You know, that's true. You never saw the
Hulk just dismantle Thanos with a

single cutting remark at Christmas
dinner. You don't see that.

Exactly. A Canadian superhero should
stop crime the old -fashioned way, by

their martial arts prowess to save New
York by creating an unstoppable

socialized health care system.

Weirdly, that seems more far -fetched
than the plot of Avengers Endgame.

And Shang -Chi doesn't have any crazy
gadgets like Tony Stark or Spider -Man.

Just like any other Canadian, he gets by
with a simple $70 a month cell phone

plan.

Is there a scene where he pays data
overages?

Emma, there's three of them.

I have never felt more seen.

And here's another benefit of diversity.

It's profitable.

If Shang -Chi performs well, it can help
pave the way for more superhero

projects about other Canadians.

Wow, are they finally going to cast a
Canadian to play Wolverine?

I'm not familiar with that title.

So, what are we talking here?

Well, they are looking for someone to
play the new Batgirl.

Really? Who's it going to be?

Well, apparently it's down to two of
Canada's best performers, Sandra Oh and

Michael Cera.

Wow. So, I guess there actually is a
benefit to having major Hollywood

put Canadians firmly in the cultural
conversation.

Oh, absolutely. I truly believe that one
day there could even be a Canadian

Captain America.

You mean Captain Canuck?

No.

See you, everyone.

When we come back, citing safety
concerns, Boeing is considering

737s with hydrogen blimps.

Thank you.

Welcome back.

We turn now to the story that's been
freaking everyone out all summer, Iran.

It's safe to say the global mood is
tense. War seems like it's just around

corner and not a fun destination war
like Grenada.

Despite daily coverage, questions
remain.

Why is this happening and why now?

What do any of the principal players
hope to gain? If there's a nuclear

will that balance out climate change?

It's time to take a deep dive on Iran,
the little country that could.

Spark a global conflict.

First things first, a little context.
Miguel, would you do the honors? I would

love to.

Flashback to 1953, the U .S. and Britain
stage a coup against Iran's

democratically elected leader. Okay,
that's a little bit too far, pal. Can

you... You know what I mean? Yep, no
problem. Thank you.

Flashback to a few weeks ago.

Iran enriches uranium in defiance of a
2015 agreement, cementing their

reputation as the bad boy of nuclear
disarmament.

Now, that may seem like a provocation,
and it is.

But it's also important to note that
this happened.

I am announcing today that the United
States will withdraw from the Iran

nuclear deal.

That is Donald Trump in 2018 pulling out
of the same agreement Iran is currently

defying. In fairness to Trump, if these
were your kids, you'd think pulling out

was a solid plan, too.

Ever since the U .S. has imposed
crippling sanctions on Iran, drastically

limiting their oil exports, creating
inflation, and driving up prices to

Foods level.

Dear God.

Now, if you're Iran at this point, you
have to be thinking, what's a country

to do to get a little respect around
here?

Murder a journalist?

Which is why they resorted to fine. If
we can't ship oil through the Strait of

Hormuz, nobody can.

From there, it's your typical tit -for
-tat. Iran seizes a ship, the U .S.

shoots down a drone. Iran arrests a
bunch of CIA spies, then brings the U

on all of this by capturing a British
oil tanker in the most terrifying game

geopolitical battleships since the Suez
Canal.

And now we're on the brink of what,
exactly?

War? Here's Trump on Iran.

Right now, they're a very mixed -up
country. They have tremendous problems

economically. They lie a lot. Their
country's in turmoil. They have a lot of

problems. I'm just going to sit back and
wait. Let's see what happens.

Literally any of those comments could
apply to the United States.

But that doesn't sound like a man
itching for a war.

It's also pretty hard to imagine the U
.K. wants a fight, mostly because they

just put this guy in charge.

I say to all the doubters, dude, we are
going to energize the country.

Here's the thing. If these two dingle
dongles get together, there's no telling

what kind of conflict they might bumble
into. Best case scenario, they steal a

pie off a windowsill.

Worst case, total global war, especially
since Iran is an ally of Russia.

So, Russia's in Iran's corner, the U .S.
is in Saudi Arabia's, and the U .K. is

just trying not to sink into the English
Channel.

Nobody wants a war, but the powers that
be might not be smart enough to stop

one. It's like a bizarro Cuban missile
crisis, minus the legendary sexiness of

the world leader at the center of it
all.

What a fox.

But look, at the end of the day, there's
a clear way to de -escalate tensions.

Sadly, in order to go that route, you'd
need some kind of binding multilateral

nuclear agreement.

Later tonight, Canada attempts to
diffuse the situation with Iran with the

controversial way of transporting oil,
pipelines.

Welcome back. These days, there are a
lot of myths out there about health and

wellness, like how certain crystals
have...

healing property, or how it's good for
you to drink water.

Wait, you don't drink water? No.

Fortunately, the Beaverton is here to
dispel these myths in a segment we call

Wealth and Hellness.

For years, it's been accepted that
walking 10 ,000 steps a day is critical

good health. But according to a recent
study, that number is totally arbitrary.

Turns out, and this is completely true,
it was chosen by a Japanese marketing

firm who thought the numeral for 10 ,000
kind of looked like a walking man.

Nah, I guess.

Now, unlike other wellness myths, like
brushing your teeth with activated

charcoal or anything involving the
phrase power washing your colon, there's

harm in getting 10 ,000 steps. But the
idea of 10 ,000 steps has turned

like the Fitbit into multi -million
dollar industries, even though it has no

basis in science.

Makes you wonder what other things
people are blindly accepting as fact.

What's next? Finding out that Malcolm
Gladwell's theory about it taking 10

hours to become an expert isn't true?

It isn't true.

But he writes for the New Yorker. The
New Yorker, Emma? Yeah.

Oh, my God. I've been using an arbitrary
number as a measuring stick.

For what?

Everything.

10 ,000 reps at the gym, 10 ,000
calories a day, 10 ,000 chews.

You chew your food 10 ,000 times? Of
course. It makes digestion a breeze.

But eating a hateful chore.

What are you going to tell me next? That
the band 10 ,000 Maniacs is bad?

I would never tell you that.

But I am telling you to think
critically, because the wellness

financial incentive to keep you
misinformed.

In our next installment of Wealth and
Hellness, can a simple bowl cure you of

all your worldly ills? It's from
Chapters Indigo. It's $3 ,000.

I already bought it, and yes.

Well, that's all for tonight's show join
us next week where we'll discuss how

Hong Kong's pro -democracy protests have
the world asking Why don't they just

let Russia decide like the rest of us?