Original subtitles

Andrew Scheer says chocolate milk saved his son's life and hopes it can do the

same for his campaign.

Britain elects a new prime minister to steer them directly into the rock.

And Robert Mueller's congressional testimony is tomorrow, leading everyone

ask the same thing. What are we going to wear?

All that and more on the Beaverton.

Yes, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Thank you. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Miguel Rivas. I'm Emma Hunter, and

to season three of The Beaverton, baby.

We are here for you, Canada, and we've got a lot to get to. So without further

ado, here is tonight's top story.

Trump's America, where every week feels like a thousand years.

And each year contains a million indignities.

As is the case with so many of these things south of the border, the latest

incident began on Twitter.

Trump insinuated that four congresswomen of color should go back to where they

came from, making it the first time he's ever suggested sending competent people

overseas.

Honestly, I can't believe in 2019 the president of the United States is still

tweeting racist things. He should be posting them on Instagram.

From there... it was rally time, where Trump stood for a full 13 seconds as his

enlightened fan base chanted, send her back.

Now, Trump tried to distance himself from it the next day, but that's like

disavowing Wonderwall. You created that monster, and you're responsible when a

bunch of mouth breathers start yelling it in public.

If you can believe it, Trump's principled stance lasted a solid 24

next day, he called the chanters incredible patriots. and paid tribute to

valuable contributions to America's racist, chant -based economy.

All this back and forth and doubling down. Will the syphilitic infection

destroying Trump's brain just make up its mind already?

Over the weekend, Representatives Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell made

rounds defending Trump's comments. Because if anyone gets to decide what is

isn't racist, it's two old white men from the South.

Of course, if Republicans really wanted to get out in front of this, they should

have sent out the many women of color who make up the backbone of the GOP.

But other political leaders pushed back in the strongest way they know how, by

grabbing a thesaurus to find a word to condemn Trump's racism without actually

calling it racism.

South of the border, famous loser Mitt Romney released a statement calling the

tweets disunifying, a word that our spellcheck simply does not recognize.

Across the pond, Boris Johnson spent a whole night racking his simple, doughy

mind for a word strong enough to describe his feelings, eventually

blimey.

Meanwhile in Canada, Justin Trudeau took a different tack when asked how he felt

about the tweet.

I think Canadians and indeed people around the world know exactly what I

about those particular comments.

What an impassioned plea, both for equality and for people to please stop

him to say negative things about Canada's biggest trading partner.

He later strengthened his condemnation, calling the comments hurtful, wrong, and

totally not 2015.

But the question is this. Why not just call it racism?

Is it because these politicians are sidestepping cowards? Or is it because

Trump's comments may have been taken out of context?

It's the first one.

Meanwhile, the media rushed to paint Trump's xenophobic tirades as the work

master strategist. At this point, if Trump slipped on a banana peel and fell

face -first into a custard pie, the media would say, Oh, that cunning fuck.

Your move, Democrats.

Of course, Trump's position in all of this is that no one who criticizes

could truly love it and should leave, which is rich coming from a man whose

campaign slogan was, America currently suck.

Just like Fox News, not all of the stories on our show are real. For a

of some news we've adjusted for your viewing pleasure, here's the counterfeit

news.

On Monday, a new air passenger bill of rights came into effect. The bill will

force airlines to compensate passengers for flight disruptions, inform them of

delays, and basically treat them like human beings. And airlines are F &P'd.

Showing their usual dedication to customer service, airlines have drafted

of airline rights designed to assert their dominance over customers. Oh, fun.

Oh, yeah.

Starting immediately, all washrooms will be coin -operated to bring plenty of

change and have fun in security.

And while they'll reimburse you for flight disruptions, get ready for a

ride because airlines will now encourage pilots to do stunts.

which could lead to a sudden loss of cabin pressure. And that's when things

silly, because every tense oxygen mask will now contain helium.

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. It was the

culmination of years of tension between the U .S. and the Soviet Union, making

the moon landing the most expensive dick -measuring contest since the pyramids.

Now that we've put 50 years between us and Apollo 11, it's finally time to

something we've known in our hearts for decades.

The moon sucks.

No amount of pro -moon Cold War propaganda can hide the fact that the

trash. It's trash, baby. It is cold, it is empty, and it is covered in unsightly

craters. The moon is basically Orlando, Florida, without Disney World. That's

pointless.

And if you think all this sounds unfair, remember Neil Armstrong's most famous

quote. I hate the moon.

So take the hint, NASA. When the Mars mission comes around, save us a bunch of

time and money and just fake it.

Later tonight, by leading the Raptors to an NBA championship, Kawhi Leonard made

Canadians believe there may be a god, only to sign with the Clippers,

conclusively proving there is not.

welcome back for anyone who saw the trailer for cats and thought i wish

were more cats crammed on the screen the american democratic primaries just may

be for you

It's still unclear which candidate will secure the nomination, but they're

falling all over each other to score points with the diverse groups that make

the Democrats' base.

Kamala Harris has emerged as a frontrunner. Could the key to her

African -American vote?

Here to talk about it is Beaverton writer and Democratic primaries

Brandon Hackett.

Kamala Harris is an inspirational figure, but she's also problematic.

I love that she's a strong black woman, but I hate that she made almost all of

her money sending people to private prison.

The black community deserves a true advocate.

Thank you, Brandon.

Pete Buttigieg, an openly gay candidate, could have some strong support from the

LGBTQ community.

Here to talk about it live via satellite is queer rights advocate... Oh, it's

Brandon Hackett again.

Thanks for having me back.

I guess the network couldn't slurge on bringing in a different pundit for the

take on Buttigieg.

That's okay. I contain multitudes.

Now, yes, Pete Buttigieg is gay, but to me, he's like if, for pride, TD Bank

created a person.

I'm pretty sure he was brainstormed in a boardroom after extensive market

research on LGBTQ voting habits.

Thank you, Brandon.

Now, Elizabeth Warren is emerging as a strong candidate who a lot of... Here to

talk about Elizabeth Warren is me.

What? How?

Well, Emma, Elizabeth Warren's plan to cancel all student debt and make it free

to go to any public college appeals to another demographic of which I am a

students.

You're a student? I was, and I have the crippling debt and ill -fitting

sweatshirt to prove it.

Senator Warren's plan could help people like me finally be able to save enough

money to still barely be able to afford rent.

You're Canadian.

You won't benefit in any way from the American election, Brandon. Ah, yes, but

as someone working in Canadian showbiz, I hope to one day become an American

citizen. Yeah, but you're not yet, which makes your enthusiasm for the

Democratic primary seem a little fruitless. Okay, you think I don't know

can't help it. Because I, like every other sane person on the planet, am

the Democrats pick someone, anyone who can beat Trump.

Okay, uh, great. Well, we are moving on to Cory Booker. Uh, but we're going to

go to the audience for this one, so... Hey there, Brendan Hackett. How

did you get there so fast?

I ran.

What demographic could you possibly represent for Cory Booker?

The one who's sick of being put in the key demographic box.

Look, whether it's Cory Booker, Band Guy Beto, or any of the other 1 ,500

Democrats running, focusing on how they're playing with small groups is

another way to reduce politics to a cynical horse race.

Hmm. Okay, well, that is an interesting point. Now, who do you think is actually

going to win the nomination?

Oh!

Probably Joe Biden.

Nobody likes him, but old hands, he will run the Rust Belt on name recognition

alone.

Now that sounds cynical.

Welcome to the 2020 Democratic primary.

Brandon Hackett, everyone.

Moving on to one of this summer's biggest stories, and by biggest, I mean

and most upsetting. And I hear what you're saying. Emma, that could be any

news story. But in this case, I'm talking specifically about Jeffrey

Yes, by now we've all heard of the disturbing case of the billionaire sex

offender and owner of the world's most punchable face.

His arrest may be new information, but the circumstances are not.

In 2008, despite evidence he ran a sex trafficking ring involving dozens of

underage girls, Epstein pleaded guilty to only two counts of solicitation. The

sweetheart deal was brokered by Alex Acosta, Trump's former labor secretary,

escaped Area 51 specimens.

But believe it or not, there may be one good thing to come out of all of this.

The return of bipartisanship.

They say it's dead, but in this political climate, it's nice to see

and Democrats come together to flee from this scandal as fast as they can.

First, there was Donald Trump. In 2002, he thought pretty highly of Epstein. In

a New York Magazine interview, he called him a terrific guy.

He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as

much as I do. And many of them are on the younger side.

Barf City.

Population, that quote.

Yeah, it seems like Trump and Epstein had a lot in common.

But two weeks ago, the president had this to say.

I had a falling out with him a long time ago. I don't think I've spoken to him

for 15 years. I wasn't a fan.

So the last time you hung out with Epstein was the exact moment he was

trafficking minors? That's cool. I guess you're off the hook, big guy.

To be fair, Trump banned Epstein from Mar -a -Lago after he was listed as a

offender. But continuing to be fair, Trump was also accused by a 13 -year

of assaulting her at one of Epstein's parties.

Ah, remember when you could be impeached for just busting into a hotel and

stealing some office supplies?

Speaking of presidents who were impeached, Epstein also has connections

feminist icon and advocate for young women everywhere, Bill Clinton.

Clinton recently released a statement distancing himself from Epstein despite

flight records indicating he took 26 trips on the billionaire's private jet.

Mind you, if you're Bill Clinton, a flight on a billionaire's private jet is

like a regular person watching a Marvel movie. Who can possibly remember them

all?

Oh man, just imagine the look Hillary Clinton is shooting Bill across the

table right now, assuming she's agreed to eat a meal with him for the first

in like 30 years. I bet it looks like, it's probably like...

Hot tip for current, former, and non -presidents among us. If an obscenely

wealthy person invites you onto their private jet, just assume you'll be

implicated in a pedophilia scandal.

This goes for the liberals and conservatives alike who appeared in

Little Black Book. Conrad Black, Ted Kennedy, a bunch of like the lesser

Kennedys. Hey, fun fact, a grouping of Kennedys is also known as a felony.

Epstein's social circle really is a who's who of, oh no.

It's almost like there's a secret cabal of rich men who run the world and think

they're above the law.

Phil, you've got to figure the next Illuminati meeting is going to be pretty

tense.

Yeah, and not just because this story proved what we all kind of knew anyway.

At a certain level of wealth, political affiliations mean less than how much

money you stashed in your offshore account.

Like I've always said.

The world would be much more bipartisan if we were all billionaires. Sure.

I accept that. But if there's anything about the story that gives me hope, it's

that no matter how rich or politically connected you are, justice will come for

you. Eventually, give or take 15 years.

When we return, more on Bill Clinton, who has decided to go vegan, not for

reasons, but to stave off how quickly he's going to hell.

That's a plan.

When millions of Ontarians received an Amber Alert for two missing boys, they

responded the only way they knew how, by just losing it on 911 operators for

interrupting Love Island.

In response to the overwhelming backlash, the OPP is revising its

Amber Alerts in order to keep the focus on the real victims, the people

receiving Amber Alerts.

Starting immediately, people who are outraged to have been inconvenienced by

news of an endangered child will be patched into a call with a trained

professional who will reaffirm that their selfish views are a -okay.

If this fails to appease Canadians, the OPP will resort to Plan B, asking

kidnappers to commit all abductions during regular 9 -to -5 workouts.

Moving on to climate change.

According to many Canadians, it's the most important issue in the upcoming

election. As a result, support for the Green Party has soared, sending their

poll numbers up to a stunning 11%. Being the only party with any kind of plan to

confront the eradication of life has been a major boon for the Greens, who

seeing Canadians join in what are technically record numbers. We're

of hundreds of people.

That's a busy night at the keg.

Canadians who have jumped on the green wave are excited to gloat about voting

green, all the way up to the election, when they will inevitably vote for the

Liberals.

Still, the Greens are excited to have made major progress this year. If this

trend continues, they could be in position to form government by the time

Vancouver is underwater and marauding motorcycle gangs rule the prairies.

To slightly cheerier matters, if you're like me, there's nothing better than

watching a feel -good TV show about love, friendship, and the human spirit.

I'm talking about HBO's summer hit, Chernobyl.

The show, which examines the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear disaster, has been a

success. It's won major acclaim for accurately portraying Cold War -era

right down to the British accent.

But the show also made me realize something important, and it's the

new segment we call Let Me Explain.

Okay, here it is.

Chernobyl is the solution to climate change.

Water. Let me explain!

87 % of the world's electricity is from fossil fuels, and by my math, that is

not great. No. Mm -hmm.

But there is a solution, and it's the same thing that melted all those dudes

the first episode of Chernobyl. Nuclear energy.

Let me explain.

What's worth? A Chernobyl every 30 years or a global climate disaster all day,

every day?

Now, I can see the looks of disgust on some of your faces, but let me explain.

What do France and Sweden have in common, besides Miguel being banned from

countries?

Honestly, it was worth it. It was the best vacation I ever had. They both have

some of the lowest carbon emissions in the game, all thanks to nuclear power.

Same goes for Belgium, Slovakia, Hungary, and you guessed it, Ukraine.

Wait, really?

Even after Chernobyl? Sure. All you have to do is put the nuclear plants in

places no one likes. Why do you think Ontario built their plant in Pickering?

Ooh. And that's not the only advantage to nuclear meltdown. What? Let me

explain!

Nuclear meltdowns can even reverse humanity's negative impact on the

environment. How?

By making large swaths of the world completely inhospitable to humans.

You are not making a strong case that nuclear power is going to make things

better. I never said it was good. I'm just saying it's less bad. And at this

point, that's the best we can hope for. Climate change, two thumbs down.

Nuclear meltdowns, three deformed claws up.

Coming up next... Coming up next, Justin Trudeau has joined the viral faith app

trend and shared an image of what he'll look like when he's old.

Once in a magical while, a story emerges from the relentless, soul -numbing

bedlam of the 24 -hour news cycle that can't help but catch our eye. A story so

audacious or just plain dumb that we honestly can't believe we didn't make it

up. Those stories live here in a new segment we call Not the Beaverton.

Have you ever taken a bite of a crisp, garden -fresh carrot and thought, it's

pretty good, but I wish it was more yielding and flesh -like?

Of course not, because you're not a serial killer.

But that hasn't stopped Arby's, home of North America's wettest food, from

creating its latest culinary delicacy, a carrot made out of meat.

Yes, yes, it's called a merit. It's made with turkey, and I just want to

reiterate, we are not making this up.

Clearly a middle finger aimed at the rising popularity of plant -based meat

alternatives like Beyond Meat.

Not to mention a huge slap in the face to the turkeys, who gave their lives to

become a joke food.

And the merit is just the first meat vegetable, or medstable, to be

A sentence that should be as upsetting for you to hear as it was for me to say.

They should whip up some meat fruit while they're at it. I mean, really,

what is a ham if not a shiny pork watermelon?

Hey, why stop at food? They could start a loyalty program that allows customers

to pay with Arby's own meat buck, the first and only currency that had

Honestly, Arby's, if you really want to flip the bird to healthy and sustainable

eating, you don't need all this mad science stuff. You just need to keep

your good old diarrhea factory self we know and love.

Unfortunately, our time, like an unrefrigerated merit, has expired.

Next week on The Beaverton, now that the weather is getting nicer, the U .S. and

China have decided to have their trade war outside.

See you then.

Thank you.

We're not done.