Original subtitles

Tonight on the Beaverton, Trump's feud with Jay -Z has Americans nostalgic for

when people used to die in feuds with hip -hop artists.

The biggest ever digital currency heist causes a global shortage of ones and

zeros. And Ticketmaster is being sued for secret hidden fees, but somehow not

for charging $400 to see Def Leppard.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the show that's currently on between

commercials. I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm Pfizer drug rep, Emma

The response to last night's State of the Union has been largely positive.

many Americans impressed, the president managed to get through a whole hour

without declaring war, bragging about sex, or even once saying the N -word.

House Republicans were quick to claim the speech as Trump's most presidential

yet, for featuring numerous big boy words delivered in an indoor voice.

And for never calling an entire country's population rapist.

Even Trump's sharpest critics were forced to concede the speech was a high

watermark, said one congressional Democrat.

We remain opposed to the president's tax cuts, but he didn't call attention to

anyone's rack, deny the existence of Ecuador, or say that all Japanese people

are ghosts.

So I guess we'll give him the win.

Patrick Brown's resignation over allegations of sexual misconduct has the

nation's 50 -somethings asking, why should a man running for public office

subject to the court of public opinion?

Many of your parents' friends are quick to point out it's completely unfair to

force a candidate to resign just because they did something unpopular. If we

listen to women, we might miss out on the next Roy Moore, Al Franken, or even

Anthony Weiner.

According to one uncomfortable conversation with your supervisor's

partner, we shouldn't judge politicians just because they're running for office.

Why can't we elect people solely on their policies, rather than having to

consider the horrible things that they may have done?

Unfortunately, the collapse of the PC party has left no viable option for

Ontarians, who both believe women and hate the poor.

Of course, after the resignations of Brown and party president Rick Dykstra,

progressive conservatives are pledging to work almost as hard at reforming

party culture as they previously were at covering up their party culture.

Having ignored the concerning rumors about the man they were trying to make

Ontario's premier while being led by an alleged sexual assaulter, party brass

say they now realize that's kind of a thing that's a bit frowned upon.

According to one, we're ready to believe the women political pressure forces us

to believe. From now on, we will only choose candidates and leaders with no

skeletons in their closet. Like Doug Ford.

But the reckoning wasn't limited to just Ontario.

With Ken Hare ousted, Justin Trudeau has made good on his policy of zero

tolerance for sexual harassment.

Related negative press.

The PMO also expressed regret for not having acted sooner, since there had

rumblings for years that Kent Hare was a troubling PR liability.

According to a statement from the Prime Minister's office, as a publicly avowed

feminist, Justin will not countenance behavior that in any way threatens,

harasses, or assaults that reputation.

Fortunately, the news isn't all grim. Up next, death.

It's still the only way to collect your great -uncle's inheritance.

But what happens when conservatives try to take away the right to die from Uncle

Fritz? We sent Aisha Alpha to find out more.

Even with social conservative Andrew Scheer at the helm of the official

opposition, Canada's right wing has so far failed to make any ground against

right -to -die legislation.

But here in Saskatchewan, conservative activists are trying a new approach to

undermine the legislation by using tactics they've honed over years of anti

-abortion campaigns.

We can't stop people from ending their lives. Instead, we just want to create a

few teeny legislative hoops that terminally ill patients have to jump

they can prove they want death bad enough.

Aren't these patients usually in hospice?

How much do you expect them to go through for a dignified death?

We just want to make sure patients are fit to make the decision.

I suppose patients should be mentally fit. Oh, no, I meant physically fit.

have to be able to run a four -minute mile.

Eliza's other proposed requirements include having to read literature about

it's like at 900 months and looking at an artist's rendering of what happens to

people after they end their lives.

Most worryingly, a bill has gone to committee that would require all

death candidates receive a transvaginal ultrasound regardless of sex.

We just want Canadians to know how important it is that euthanasia be

in a hospital with doorways that are exactly 7 feet 2 inches tall.

How does somebody wanting to die affect you?

What right are you defending?

The most important right of all. The right of every social conservative. To

people what they can or cannot do with their bodies.

Eliza still has a long way to go before achieving her right -wing utopia. But

many are concerned that if she keeps chipping away at right -to -die

legislation, the terminally ill will be forced to turn to the black market for

back -alley suicide.

For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alpha.

Thanks, Aisha. One of the hottest and most baffling trends out there has

teenagers broadcasting themselves on social media eating individual packets

Tide laundry detergent.

It's called the Tide Pod Challenge, and it's just about the dumbest.

Joining us to discuss is Denise Janstone, head of the crisis management

handling the situation. Hi, Denise.

Thanks for having me. It's been a tough couple weeks.

Denise, let's cut to the chase. Why are you telling people to eat laundry pods?

Okay, we are absolutely not doing that. I want to make that clear. Do not, under

any circumstances, eat detergent.

Please. Still, your client must be pretty happy about all the free

No, that's... Don't... Look, since this thing started, we've been very clear

that these detergent packages are harmful if ingested. It says so right on

package for crying out loud.

That covers the legal responsibility, but what about the moral one?

I'm sorry, the moral responsibility for stopping people from eating poison

that's clearly labeled as poison?

Yes.

So Denise, if I'm hearing you, you're suggesting that people should not eat

these Tide Pods or wash their clothes in them. No, you can wash your clothes in

them. So people should wash their clothes in poison? It's not poison for

clothes. Denise, on some level, do you think this whole Tide Pod challenge is

just the newest expression of typical teen angst? Well, there have to be

ways of expressing yourself.

Like starting a ska band. Okay, no, I'd never... Well, let's not get crazy here.

We just want this to stop.

Well, in fairness, Denise, it is a bit confusing. I was in a bakery the other

day, and I saw a donut that looked exactly like one of these laundry pods.

borrow that look?

They're the ones doing the borrowing. Are they? Oh, so it's more of a brand

integration thing. No!

Look, just don't eat the detergent. It's that simple. Full stop, full stop.

I'm sorry for yelling. It's just, I'm so tired.

Denise, if there was one thing you could say to someone who was thinking of

taking the Tide Pod Challenge, what would it be?

I'd say, why?

But why climb a mountain? Why go to the moon? We don't do these things because

they're easy. We do them because they're hard.

Look, I know you think it's cool and fun to eat clothing soap, but there's

nothing cool and fun about esophageal burns and holes in your stomach.

But since common sense won't dissuade you, you've left me with no choice.

What?

You're going to see this. You're going to see this.

We understand. No, we don't need that.

We return.

We look at how teens are moving on to the next viral trend, the exhaust pipe

challenge.

Coming up later, Calgary's replacement of road salt with beet juice is leaving

their streets ice -free and their rivers biblically terrifying.

As allegations of tax evasion surface, Loblaws offers to repay the government

$25 bread gift cards.

And Air Canada cuts costs by replacing its in -flight films with in -flight

community theater.

To the Montreal NAFTA negotiations now, where the liberal bargaining team showed

up after their week at Davos on Saturday with what economists are forecasting

might have been the hangover of the goddamn century.

Meeting every January, the forum is a week of policy, diplomacy, and economics

-fueled ragers.

And as a country wooing investment, it was Canada's job to try and beat the

Davos keg stand record set in 2011 by Silvio Berlusconi.

Since arriving back in Montreal, Canada's negotiators collectively

dozens of Bloody Marys, hundreds of Advils, pushed for reduced softwood

tariffs, and dummied a buffet table of hash browns so greasy that the

conversation immediately switched to the oil sands.

Canada has agreed to the Trans -Pacific Partnership, a controversial 11 -nation

trade deal that will finally give Canadians access to Japan's eel

and pillows shaped like women's thighs.

A deal of this size and scope raises many questions. Will Canada be party to

human rights abuses in Malaysia and Brunei? Can multinational corporations

us over our environmental laws? Do those things even matter if we can finally

buy loaves of watermelon bread and whatever this is?

The deal, of course, was an important win for Trudeau. With the future of

uncertain, Canada now has a safety agreement, making the TPP the Brock

University of Trade deal.

Science has yet to conquer man's need to drink water, but soon we may have no

choice. With the residents of Cape Town, South Africa quickly running out of

water, could Canadians soon be forced to care?

Live with us via satellite is our foreign correspondent, Marilla Weck.

Thanks, Emma. I'm here in Cape Town where residents are currently counting

to day zero, the very cool -sounding but actually terrifying day when the city

will run out of water.

Experts predict the taps will run dry on April the 12th and on May the 12th for

white residents.

And Marilla, do they have any plans for after that? No, but there are plans to

make plans.

South African lawmakers are exploring their time -tested strategies of

pretending nothing is wrong or alternatively putting all of the water

Now, what exactly caused this water shortage?

A combination of record low rainfalls and Cape Town's affluent white suburbs'

insistence on a water slide -based transit system.

Marilla, how did nobody see this humanitarian crisis coming? Excellent

Miguel. It's hard to imagine South Africa being willfully ignorant towards

something the rest of the world can clearly see as inhumane.

South Africa considered using seawater for desalination, a word that I just

learned now through my earpiece.

Desalination is being implemented, though high costs and raw sewage runoff

it in many ways a shitty plan.

Luckily, I'm barred from most transcontinental flights. Besides,

plenty of water, right? Well, all across Canada, water is being protected and

conserved for future generations.

Unfortunately, this is being done by the Nestle Corporation, and they're going

to sell it back to us for $20 a bottle. So to answer your question, no.

Should have seen that one coming.

Marilla Wex in Cape Town.

When we return, United Airlines saves 170 ,000 gallons of fuel by using

paper in magazines and forcibly removing its heaviest passengers.

I don't read magazines. I don't read.

Bye.

Coming up later.

NAFTA talks get heated as the U .S. now demands both a wall and a roof over

Mexico.

Outrageous daycare fees are forcing women out of the workforce and into the

lucrative field of owning a daycare.

And British Prime Minister Theresa May appointed a Minister of Loneliness who

pledged to boost loneliness by 30 % within five years.

Vancouver was recently named the third most unaffordable city in the world. But

young people living there have found a new way to adapt.

Never think about it and then someday die.

According to one renter, not acknowledging that life could be

than paying $1 ,800 a month for a basement apartment is pretty crucial for

getting through a dark Vancouver day.

That and waiting for the inevitable tsunami of Fukushima radiation.

However, when told that they could avoid poverty and death just by moving to

Kelowna, most young Vancouverites responded, I'll take the tsunami,

The Toronto Public Library has introduced its own streaming service,

that a municipal agency is getting into it, is this finally the end of Netflix?

The library's new service hopes to captivate the public by offering

movies, even though the book is definitely better.

And in order to compete with the streaming giant, they are introducing

slate of original programming, such as House of Library Cards, Orange is the

Bibliography, Silent Things, and 13 Reasons Why You Should Return Your

Books on Time.

Dear Loud People, Fuller Shelves, The Marvelous Mrs. Microfiche, Librarians

Cars Being Quiet, Lacey Dynamite, The Unbookable Kimmy Sh, and

the award -winning 10 -part true crime series Making a Murmurer.

The library and chill program is anticipated to have an added benefit of

people to have sex in the comfort of their own home instead of the non

section.

Nova Scotian PC leader Jamie Bailey's allegations of inappropriate behavior

quickly overshadowed by the Patrick Brown scandal.

Critics call this yet another example of how maritime scandals face fewer

opportunities than scandals in Ontario.

Said one East Coast political commentator, too many Maritimers feel

relocate west to make a name for themselves as a creep or even a dirtbag.

Many Atlantic Canadians dream of rebuilding a province where national

still be made by traditional Nova Scotian pervs.

According to experts, eating is the best way to get food into your body.

But despite all the health benefits of not starving to death, Canada's school

lunch programs are lagging behind.

We sent celebrity chef Eddie Zhang to find out more.

We gotta get this going right now, all right? Hey, yo, I'm Eddie Zhang.

Eddie! Head chef and owner of the restaurant Dim Sum's Gotta Give.

Recently, I've been thinking there must be more to life than deep -frying rare

birds and being a dope -ass chef.

That's why, when I heard about the terrible lunch programs at our nation's

schools, I decided to bring the food of the street into the school hallways,

which, if you think about it, are just tiny streets for small children.

I brought in Val Correa from the Ministry of Intergovernmental Affairs

to try out my crisp menu. We got freshwater shrimp dumplings, Wagyu beef

ribs and Hong Kong -style coleslaw.

All for under $70 per day per kid.

Fresh and healthy food is so important for developing minds. Yeah.

But we can't afford any of this.

Yo, for real?

Not even the Buffalo -style parent wing?

No. My homegirl Val told me that Canada is the only G8 country without a school

lunch program, which is why schools outsource cafeterias to private

serving unhealthy foods like pizza and disgraceful non -parent chicken wings.

All right, explain to me why a school lunch program is worse than one in

a country whose public education is basically learning how to do hate

In Canada, we expect the children to go home for lunch and have their parents

cook for them.

Yeah, seems like a reasonable expectation to have in this day and age.

sure, over the past 30 years, the needs of double -income families and single

parents, yeah, they've changed, but policy can't catch up the societal

that quickly. Yeah, I feel you, fam.

That's why my restaurant has many health code violations.

So the government is offering tax breaks on whatever kids buy at the corner

store. Yeah, just remind your six -year -old to save receipts. Yo, that's tight.

You do not want to mess with the CRA.

As thrilled as I was that my kids were getting rebates on Arizona iced tea and

packs of smokes, something still needed to be done.

That's why Val let me start a pilot national gruel lunch program. It's

lunchtime! To feed our country's children for less than three sets of

of a twist, motherfuckers! Honestly, feeding kids piramache paste is not a

satisfactory solution.

This is probably a problem that all three levels of government should be

with, and not a TV chef.

This is the Beaverton, and I'm your boy, Zang.

Thanks, Eddie. When we return, Kobe Bryant rejects his Oscar nomination over

concerns that will remind people of his sexual assault case.

You know, I don't like basketball, and I really like basketball.

Welcome back.

To international news, the Prime Minister of New Zealand is pregnant.

Wait, a man is pregnant?

No.

Anyway, this has left the world uncertain whether they'll have to shame

taking mat leave or for not taking mat leave.

According to childless maternity experts the world over, Prime Minister Jacinda

Ardern is taking her responsibilities as a mother either too seriously, not

seriously enough, or somehow both at the same time.

Said one internet poster, if Jacinda truly cared, she wouldn't have kids in

office or a country while pregnant. She should either freeze her eggs until

she's done her term or freeze New Zealand until her children grow up.

You don't get to have it all.

Last week, the doomsday clock was unexpectedly set to two minutes before

midnight. This means that nuclear scientists believe we're closer than

annihilation.

It was a terrifying reminder of how fragile humanity is, that we can be

out at any moment by something as simple as an atomic bomb.

It's also the subject of tonight's emergency Beefeat segment, three ways to

laid during the apocalypse.

Why did I think this segment would ever be helpful?

Sure, some nerds will waste their last 15 minutes calling their parents or a

spouse, but I know most of us will be looking to snag one last good bone

turning to ash.

Which brings us to number three, keep it casual.

I know the end of the world seems like a big deal, but remember, this is just

going to be a fling.

Okay, as much as I want to keep out of this, I have to ask, won't most people

in a state of pure panic?

Yeah, that's why it's so hot.

There's no greater aphrodisiac than mortal terror. But remember, desperation

never sexy, even during Armageddon. Okay, your turn.

Do I have to?

Yeah, you get to.

No matter how much you want to, don't be picky. It's not that kind of judgment

day.

This is a new low, even for this segment. What if the world doesn't end?

recording of this piece will still be out there.

Oh, please, Miguel. Everybody knows we're on the brink. And last, but

not least, number one.

Attract a mate by turning your bomb shelter into a premium fuck palace.

Oh, my God!

Don't worry about waking up neighbors. They're probably dead.

What were you trying to accomplish with this piece? Miguel, we can report on

global conflict as much as you want. But reality check, during a nuclear attack,

the only thing we control is if we die like cowards or go down swinging. And I

mean swinging.

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Don't be disgusting.

Well, that's the end of our show.

But join us next week for the thrilling season finale of The News.

No one's going to have stuff to do regardless of whether or not they're

to. Oh, I will not be having stuff.

Here's what I think you should do. Get a bucket of Purell. Right.

And do your whole thing. A lot of Purell. Don't worry about that. Yeah,

full Purell. You know, I have Canada's largest.

Yeah,

I can see.

Yeah.

None of the flavor ones. I feel like they stink.

They don't look like they smell.

What version is that, Neil?

This is the funniest of any.

We're going to pick up the phone.