Original subtitles

Tonight on the Beaverton, faith groups are furious after Justin Trudeau cut off

summer program funding for the nation's snake handlers.

A huge scandal uncovers that the liberal gas plant cancellation may have reduced

carbon emissions.

And due to thin ice, the Rideau Canal has been shut down for everyone who

a big old chicken.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the only news show that can prevent forest fires. I'm

your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm serial arsonist Emma Hunter.

We begin in Washington.

While a prolonged government shutdown was averted, Republican leaders are

blasting the Democrats for not loving America enough to pass a bill that would

deport a bunch of children.

Despite controlling the House, Senate, and presidency, Paul Ryan is still

blaming Democrats for trying to protect dreamers, noting, It's a sad day for

America when Congress can't do what our founding fathers intended, abandon our

most vulnerable citizens.

Thankfully, a deal was reached to extend a spending bill until February 8th.

Republicans in particular were pleased Democrats finally recognized the threat

posed by kids raised in the United States.

Now both sides of the aisle can put the shutdown behind them and hopefully work

together until the next shutdown in a couple weeks.

Twitter will inform users if they interacted with Russian trolls during

U .S. election, in a move experts are hailing as a little late and very

pointless.

A Twitter spokesperson defended the move, saying Russians might not be so

to use Twitter to attack our democracy once we take the bold move of letting

people know about it more than a year after it happened.

But Twitter's notification to 700 ,000 affected users may be undercut by a

Russian troll notification to 300 million users warning them that Hillary

born in Kenya.

We now go to Davos, Switzerland, where attendees of the World Economic Forum

working hard to... the problem suffered by the average attendee of the World

Economic Forum.

The participating business, political, and cultural elites say they're excited

someone is finally taking their problem seriously, with seminars on topics

ranging from corruption to world hunger to how hard it is to be a monarch these

days. But the summit is mainly concerned with one worrying trend, said WEF

founder Klaus Schwab.

The top 1 % earned 82 % of all wealth in 2017, and that is completely

unacceptable. Hopefully this conference will determine where that other 18 %

went.

Millions came together over the weekend in solidarity for the second annual

Women's March. This year, however, the U .S. flagship event was moved to the

country's hotbed of feminist thought, Las Vegas.

The Women's March 2, the legend of Curly's gold, was well attended, though

organizers had to ignore several Las Vegas bylaws, including a dress code

requiring high heels, a pricey cover charge of $80, and a mandatory DJ David

Guetta live mix during all protest chants.

Said one marcher, it was annoying that some bachelor party was hanging by the

entrance and followed us around for the rest of the march, so we used the

opportunity to talk to them about reproductive health and the wage gap.

Ultimately, the march was deemed a success.

Participants felt empowered, new voters were registered, and many went home with

selfies of their favorite oiled -up Chippendales models.

Last week, Serena Williams shared her harrowing postpartum experience, where

was left to self -diagnose a pulmonary embolism in her lungs after a nurse told

her she was just confused.

Serena's story is one of many that sheds light on the institutionalized sexism

in health care that puts women's lives at risk. Here to discuss are Dr. Jim

Larson and one of his patients, Mary Watson.

Thank you for having us. As a sufferer of endometriosis, I frequently feel my

symptoms go unnoticed by doctors, and I'd be happy to share those experiences.

And I'm happy to clarify her interpretation of her experiences.

Mary, you claim doctors demonstrate an unconscious bias against women.

Absolutely, Emma. I've seen firsthand how stereotypes can affect treatment.

Women are perceived as exaggerating, so our symptoms are received with

skepticism. I don't know about that.

We all ask patients a thorough set of questions, like, really?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

And finally, really?

We have to convince our doctors what we're feeling is real. Often we're not

seen until a man vouches for us. Oh, come on. No, she's right.

Interesting point, Miguel.

And if we do get treated, it's usually for emotional symptoms rather than

physical ones. When I was admitted to Dr. Larson's ER with severe abdominal

pain, he prescribed me sleepless in Seattle.

That's a great movie.

I feel like in a climate of believing women, you don't.

Emma, these things take time. You don't want to rush into treatment. It's

dangerous to jump to conclusions.

Also, doctors have to go by what we can observe. If a woman gets out of bed and

comes all the way to the hospital, how much pain could she really be in?

Doctor, that's our secret. Women are always in pain. We just power through

My heels are cutting into my ankles and my shoes are filled with blood.

Yeah, I've had a pounding migraine this entire interview.

Really?

How can doctors overcome this unconscious bias?

Give women the benefit of the doubt by treating based on symptoms, not

assumptions. Well, I'll do my best to listen more carefully. In fact, here is

something that I think may help.

This just says you should smile more.

You would look so nice. Okay.

Okay, okay. I think we've heard enough. Thanks for your time. If you're a

professional mascot, getting beat up is all part of the job.

But that's not what you expect when you become a personal support worker. For

more, here's our own Aisha Alfa.

As manufacturing jobs are mechanized or outsourced, health care is one of the

few sectors of Canada's economy still hiring new workers to mistreat. But

because they've traditionally been viewed as women's work, men have been

unwilling to take on so -called pink -collar jobs in fields like personal

support work or nursing, sexy or otherwise.

But Linda Kwong of the Ontario Ministry of Health is changing all that.

What people need to realize is that personal support work is a physically

demanding, emotionally draining, and often dangerous profession.

That's terrible.

Is the Ministry of Health going to invest more funding to improve

frontline health care professionals?

Oh, no.

Never. In fact, we want to start leaning into those aspects. So the job appeals

to men who were raised in a culture of toxic masculinity.

Which is why the ministry made this recruitment video.

Are you looking for a job filled with non -stop adrenaline?

A job filled with drugs, nudity, and psychological trauma that takes a brutal

physical toll?

Then consider a career in personal support work, you homo.

PSW, the only job where you get to watch someone die.

Paid for by the Ontario Ministry of Health.

Thanks to this ad and a new sponsorship of elder care facilities by the energy

drink sector, men have started flocking to the field of personal support work.

So far, it has been a huge success.

Hundreds of former cops and dishonorably discharged soldiers now spend their

days describing Fast and Furious films to the infirm. But why aren't they

deterred by the low wages?

Weirdly, the moment men started doing the jobs, wages went up 23 cents on the

dollar.

Incredible. Yeah.

So, despite the many issues that remain for personal support workers, it's nice

to see the government finally taking action to level the playing field for

For the Beaverton, I'm Aisha Alfa.

Thanks, Aisha. When we return, Canada is totally unprepared for a worldwide flu

epidemic. We don't have a solution, we just wanted to remind you.

I've built a bunker.

A bunker?

Do you suffer from chronic pain, restlessness, or your back hurts

You may be a candidate for overprescribed opioids.

Overprescribed opioids target pain at the source by making sure your only

problem is where to find more opioids.

Overprescribed opioids are not for everyone, but they are for almost

Side effects may include muscle aches, unemployment, electing a white

supremacist to the White House.

Four or five different kinds of death, ending up like bubbles from the wire,

lots of money for us.

Ask your doctor if over -prescribed opioids are right for you, and we'll

sure they have a financial incentive to say they are.

Coming up later, doctors warn the teenage brain could be negatively

cannabis think pieces.

With Canadians facing record levels of household debt, the Bank of Canada is

offering payday loans.

And in exchange for a new NAFTA deal, Justin Trudeau is offering the United

States one night of passion with Quebec.

The volatility of Bitcoin has been a disaster for the millions of Canadians

being forced to listen to their friend explain Bitcoin.

We're joined now by Laura Silovitz to discuss what it'll mean for Canadian

investors when Bitcoin spikes and or crashes by the end of this sentence.

Laura. Thanks, Emma. Sure.

Bitcoin fluctuations are concerning. If Bitcoin goes under, how will the richest

criminals buy the most outlandish black market goods?

But, Laura, Bitcoin isn't just the currency of choice for criminals and

libertarians who want to destroy the government.

It's certainly gone more mainstream over the last year.

But the point remains. If Bitcoin crashes, we're all going to need some

way to buy our illegal guns and fentanyl. Maybe just don't buy those

People aren't just going to stop buying poisonous swords or people or forbidden

dark web toilet paper, Miguel.

Without Bitcoin, we'll need a new form of untraceable fuck -you government

money.

Okay, but it better have jargon.

Thankfully, it does.

The one I'm really excited about is blockchain, a new cryptocurrency where

number of blockchains is limited to the number of cryptocurrencies using the

blockchain.

I don't understand.

That's okay. Neither do the people who invented it. If nobody understands it,

why would we use this type of currency?

What currency would you like, Miguel?

Gold? Cigarettes? White rhino horns?

Horns? It's a deflationary currency, Miguel. You can't mint new horns.

It's like the Bitcoin at Savannah.

They're nearly extinct.

Well, leave it up to Miguel to find something objectionable about trading in

rhino horns.

I just think we shouldn't place our faith in abstract institutions that make

people rich at the expense of others.

Well, you just described the stock market.

So, Laura Silovitz, everybody.

Justin Timberlake is gearing up for the Super Bowl halftime show, his first time

back since 2004's infamous Nipplegate. But the pop sensation isn't sure how to

shock people in a world that's been made numb by a giant racist man -baby.

Timberlake explained his plan to cause a controversy.

We have to think outside the bra on this one.

Maybe mid -show I bring out that porn star Trump had sex with, change the

to sexy back to indicate I'm a flat earther, then go out with a bang by

in front of the flag with my wang out.

Timberlake is determined to pull off this scandal, citing that while it's a

different era, one thing will always remain true. Somehow they'll find a way

blame this whole thing on a woman.

From bone -crushing tackles to thunderous slap shots to the quiet

bounce pass, we go now to Luke and Pat at the Beaverton Sports Network.

Coming up on BSN, the NBA will increase parity next season by having every team

share LeBron James.

The Oilers' struggles have led GM Peter Cirelli to rethink his trade -away

talent -for -nothing strategy.

Blue Jays signed Al Albuquerque, Yeng Barris, Delarte, and Giff Nagope to

up the organization's depth in guys with amazing names.

Welcome to BSN. I'm Luke, and this is my son's biological father, Pat.

Little Jaden does not suspect a thing.

Up first, Kid Rock will headline the NHL's All -Star festivities this weekend

the league makes good on its promise to deliver fans the pimpin 'est

entertainment 2003 has to offer. In addition to Rock's performance, the game

will feature between -period mud wrestling, a wet t -shirt contest, and a

demolition derby in fun -filled events for everyone, from trailer park meth

heads to garden variety carnies.

Personally, I think this kind of finger -on -the -pulse programming will help

the NHL maintain their position as North America's most successful sports brand,

behind only the NBA, NFL, MLB, PGA, and PokerStars .net. I think you forgot the

World Series of Darts. Ooh, bullseye.

Ice dance pair and Canada sweetheart's Virtue and Moyer have been named as flag

bearers for the 2018 Olympic Games. It's part of Sports Canada's scheme to make

these crazy kids finally realize they're in love.

The organization hopes that marching in together under the lights, their fingers

caressed around the flagpole, will finally do the trick after their

schemes all failed, including betting Scott he couldn't transform ugly

Tessa into the prom queen, forcing them to share a plate of spaghetti with no

fork and a single meatball, and having them spend 20 years simulating

in their dances.

Sport Canada added they're hoping the two will at least do what all athletes

staying in Olympic villages do, have hot, flexible sex.

Finally tonight, after the past weekend's conference championships, it

like this year's Super Bowl will be an epic showdown for the ages between two

the sport's fiercest competitors, the New England Patriots' Tom Brady versus

longtime rival and coach, Bill Belichick.

Fans are looking forward to hate -watching this titanic grudge match

two most despised men in the NFL.

Said one analyst, it's impressive.

In a league that includes rapists, domestic abusers, and the occasional dog

-fighting enthusiast, the two least popular figures still manage to be a

who thinks drinking water prevents sunburn and an old grouch.

Hey, Luke, do you think we could ever have a falling out like Brady and

Belichick? No, as long as we pay for James College, we're good, man.

Sounds like a plan.

That'll do it for this BSN update. Join us next week when we discuss how the IOC

has banned a new performance -enhancing drug that helps athletes believe they

could do it all along.

Coming up later.

Economists predict Canada's housing market will be a thing economists talk a

about in 2018.

With food waste on the rise, experts wonder if you're going to finish that.

And 2017 was the third hottest year on record, thanks to carbon emissions and

Despacito. Thousands died.

Jagmeet Singh is being criticized for using his wedding proposal as a

stunt. But sources claim the NDP leader only did it that way to finally get all

his aunties off his back.

The normally private Singh spoke out, saying, My family is so happy that I'm

finally settling down. Once we get through the next 18 months of nonstop

planning, I should be free from the nagging. By then, we'll be ready for the

baby nagging phase.

While he's publicly happy about the news, Justin Trudeau has reportedly

to colleagues that Singh's just manipulating the media to get good PR,

Hey, that's my thing.

Justin Trudeau looks good on paper, as proven by his centerfold in the UN

climate report.

But how does he keep capturing the imagination of the Internet?

Donovan Stinson investigates the making of our most upvoted prime minister.

Two years into his term, Prime Minister Trudeau is mostly known for being the

most viral politician since that one town in Minnesota elected a French

mayor.

It seems like barely a week goes by before Justin does something that gets

American website cream in their jeans.

But could all these stunts really be spontaneous?

No, we can't just have Justin hold three pandas this time. Look, we need

original ideas.

Alice Hansen heads the PMO's integrated voter marketing team. It's her job to

carefully plan each one of Trudeau's impromptu viral moments.

Everyone thinks it's so easy to trend on Twitter, but it takes a lot of time and

effort to plan these moments of spontaneity, like photobombing a hike. I

this photo. Yeah, everyone does.

We had to analyze which province to use, rig the lighting, hire an attractive

family, bribe them not to tell. The whole thing took months to plan.

Plus it costs millions.

What?

What if Justin leaves a big tip for, like, a waitress somewhere?

Too cutesy. What's next? Okay, we could set it up somewhere in the country so

that a car breaks down and Justin happens by and fixes it. No! Enough

around. Give me your best idea.

He could finally address the boil water advisory on reserve.

Get out.

People, this is not about policy. It's about leadership, which means getting

Justin on the front page of BuzzFeed. So somebody.

Give me something we can work with.

Yeah. What if Justin did the splits while straddling two canoes like Jean

-Claude Van Damme did?

Not bad.

Thank you. Great.

Our team is fighting hard to keep Trudeau from being overtaken by the new

media darlings like the NDP's Jagmeet Singh.

Fortunately, the conservatives continue to lag as their recent stunt where

Andrew Scheer milked a cow and then drank it was removed from Facebook for

inappropriate content.

For the Beaverton, Donovan Stinson, signing off.

Thanks, Donovan.

When we return, our sex expert says things that make me feel very

on national television.

I hope they're not having sex. You want to take this story?

Yeah.

Welcome back.

At yesterday's Oscar nominations, the Academy announced changes to this year's

show. All male winners will be given an extra 30 seconds for their acceptance

speeches to allow room for a mandatory apology.

This will be a chance for men to say sorry for their recent sexual harassment

to get ahead of any scandal that the public does not yet know about but most

certainly will within a week.

A special exemption has been made in the case of James Franco ending up on

stage. He's been granted all the time in the world to explain himself, plus an

option to phone a friend or lawyer.

The backlash to the MeToo movement has exposed a significant generational

between young feminists and older women who've been surfing every feminist wave

since before women had the right to surf.

Under fire for their open letters on the topic are Margaret Atwood and French

screen legend Catherine Deneuve. These septuagenarians have taken controversial

positions, which younger intersectional feminists are calling pretty unchill AF.

To which they responded, who is this AF and why are they telling me what to do?

The divide has some observers alarmed that the movement will lose its full

impact, and there's a need to unite women on each side, which is just the

side, but doesn't look that way because it's a patriarchal parlor trick.

Experts suggest that increased empathy may help women to gracefully straddle

line between being a young bomb -ass bitch and distinguished gilf.

The younger generation are asked to understand that the Catherine Deneuves

the world have fond memories of being Pepe Le Pewed because that type of

harassment was once acceptable behavior.

Kind of like how we used to be okay with having Pepe Le Pew be a character in

children's cartoons.

For the members of the older generation, the fastest way to understand the

changing face of sexual politics is to sign up for Tinder and navigate that

universe of unsolicited dick pics.

Let's remember that we are all dragging our fatigue. war -torn bodies through

the muds of oppression past Matt Damon's tower of opinions no one asked for

towards the ultimate finish line of gender equality.

We are losing sight of why women started this movement anyway.

These guys.

Hey, what did I do? You know what I mean, the royal these guys.

Well, that's our show.

Join us next week for more light, sound, and if we're lucky, color.

I just like you so viscerally. I can't hear a certain or any type of... You

like me so viscerally? That's weird.

No, viscerally.

Oh. Yeah. That's actually how you figure it out.

Well, yeah.

You're right, I'm a woman.

Have I told you about my point of action?

I have two blue nose guys.

I told you. It's definitely nice.

You told me. You have a great name, too.