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Tonight on the Beaverton.

After a single Golden Globe speech, Americans have apparently forgotten

allowed to elect qualified politicians as president.

Roy Moore's supporters insist his accuser, who had her house burned down

arsonist, was just doing it for the attention.

And the world junior champions are relieved their drive home with the

dads won't be as tense as last year.

Welcome to the Deverton, a news show so young that this is the first nuclear

crisis it's ever reported on.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm Emma Hunter, concerned it'll be the last

one we ever report on.

Our top story, the salacious details in the tell -all book Fire and Fury, have

Washington observers calling it the most damning thing to Trump's credibility

since his actual presidency.

The revelations that the Donald likes to eat cheeseburgers in bed and has

trouble remembering friends at parties are unbecoming for a commander -in

-chief, nearly as much as Trump's Twitter feed, war on the press, and the

he says and does publicly every single day.

Said one Democrat, we thought Trump's speeches, staff appointments, and

were proof enough that he is an unfit president, but now that we know he

a lot of Diet Coke, impeachment should be a cakewalk.

After Andrew Scheer kicked her out of the conservative caucus for her

controversial views, Lynn Bayak has retreated to the one place racist

are still welcome, the Canadian Senate.

Asked why Bayak wasn't being removed from the Senate itself, one upper

member stated, I'm not even sure we can kick someone out. How does this place

work? Is one of us in charge?

As for Bayak, she's taking the news well and is looking forward to being free

from the shackles of the conservative caucus so she can finally tell us how

really feels.

Immigration Canada has come under fire for changing their family sponsorship

program from first -come, first -served to a much fairer system, a giant

lottery. The lottery narrowly beat out other liberal policy proposals, a round

of bingo, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, and roll up the rim to stay.

Opposition critics suggest that family reunification should be a merit -based

system, with hopeful relatives performing a talent show, or competing

a big poker tournament.

According to the liberals, in the rare case of simultaneous lottery winners,

they'll simply be asked to split the citizenship between them.

Still, the liberals insist the lottery is the best way to ensure fairness,

because just like the real lottery, if you buy enough tickets, eventually

everyone wins.

The sharing economy, the trendiest and most exciting way to subvert the labor

movement. With more on how FDR is rolling over in his grave, here's our

Barclay.

For millennials, trying to enter the workforce can feel like competing in the

Hunger Games if the prize was a job at Cinnabon.

But why settle for an unsatisfying job when you can settle for unsatisfying

jobs?

Thanks to apps like Uber, Foodora, and TaskRabbit, it's easier than ever to

money on your time and on your terms.

And because the sharing economy classifies you as an independent

labor laws need not apply.

The only limit to your side hustle income is you and how much Red Bull you

consume before your heart folds in on itself.

So I decided to spend a week living off the gig economy.

Goodbye 9 to 5.

Hello 24 -7.

I signed up for Uber so I can make money while I was driving.

Which, because I also rented out my apartment on Airbnb, was all day, every

Dave? You work for Uber?

Among other things!

I also registered for TaskRabbit so I could make a few bucks by building other

people's Ikea furniture.

Whoa! You need an Allen key!

And in between building assignments, I worked on my Etsy shop knitting novelty

Minions. You're supposed to loop it trying.

Oh. All of which left me with just enough time to fulfill my duties as an

brand ambassador for various haberdashery retailers.

Dave, there's a stop sign.

Watch the road!

So, how did I do? The results speak for themselves. In an average 40 -hour work

week, a Canadian earning minimum wage can only make $456.

But in just seven days of 24 -hour shifts, I earned...

$465. Of course, that's if you don't account for some minor deductions for

hitting that DoorDash biker, as well as the pending lawsuit over my unauthorized

use of a certain film franchise. But as long as I work 29 hours a day, 12 days a

week, I'll be able to keep my head above water long enough to see Uber finally

reach that $70 billion valuation.

For the Beaverton, this is Dave Barkley saying, how much you think I can get

from my blood?

Thanks, Dave. I hope you understand the three -star rating.

In a Golden Globe ceremony dominated by feminism, the red carpet pre -show moved

away from tone -deaf questions like, who are you wearing, to the even more tone

-deaf, who are you outing.

Many have accused the entertainment news industry of only reporting on social

justice so they can sensationalize the abuse of famous people. But the crack

team of journalists at E! defended themselves.

stating, did you really expect us to be able to handle this watershed moment?

I mean, we did our best. We put Seacrest on the case.

The show itself, however, saw many stars bringing activists as their guests.

Michelle Williams brought the founder of Me Too, Tarana Burke, while Casey

Affleck watched from a viewing party with a lawyer who settled his harassment

case.

After passing a tax bill that will widen the gap between rich and poor,

Republicans are working on a law to protect the 1 % by making it harder to

purchase a guillotine.

Normally pro -Second Amendment, the GOP wants guillotine reform because hard

-working job creators shouldn't have their heads chopped off in the coming

revolution.

Therefore, Republicans will restrict all guillotine sales.

Unless, of course, you're using it for hunting.

So far the GOP is investigating several options including making the Hamptons

Wall Street and Washington DC guillotine free zone Closing the guillotine show

loophole and banning high -capacity assault guillotine

As sexual misconduct allegations continue to bring down powerful men,

are striving to ensure their employees feel safe while maintaining their

collegial culture.

Here to discuss is John Nolito, VP of Acquisitions from one of Canada's

banks. Thanks for having me. John, you feel the MeToo movement has negatively

impacted your corporate culture? Hey, listen, I think it's great. We're in a

watershed moment, you know, rah -rah, girl power, etc.

I'm just worried it's going too far.

I don't want to lose what makes the Bank of West... in Ontario so special. Our

morning hugs.

I would have thought lending rates were more important to a bank than co

-workers embracing.

I manage a tight -knit company. We're a family. And now I'm afraid I can't even

give Deb from accounts a peck on the cheek.

So maintaining your office habits means more to you than protecting the women in

it? Our HR department hasn't received a complaint about sexual assault in over

35 years.

Probably because women are too afraid they'll lose their job. From Wade in HR?

No way. He never fires anyone. It's all bear hugs and butt spanks with old

waiting.

That's appalling. Oh, he is harmless. Well, I mean, there was that one time

a female complained about that weird button on his desk that locks his office

door from the inside, but he's just a joker.

Hasn't Me Too taught us this exact behavior is no longer tolerated, be it

or horrifying door -locking mechanisms? Whoa, whoa. Emma, there is a big

difference between an unsolicited tummy tickle and sexual abuse.

They're on a spectrum, but they shouldn't be conflated. Maybe you just

stop. And what? Ask for consent?

Buddy, that'll kill the mood.

Have you been inside a bank? There is just a sexy energy in the air.

No, stop touching women at work, period. The power dynamic of a workspace clouds

every aspect of consent.

Oh, all these rules.

It's just such a confusing gray area. No, it's not. Just stop. Are shoulder

massages considered... Stop talking. I'd blow on her hair. Maybe a gentle caress

on the small of her back. Stop talking! Are you flirting with me?

Okay, John, time's up.

When we come back, to prevent security leaks in iPhones, experts recommend

hitting it with a hammer for 15 to 20 minutes.

Coming up later.

With new mortgage regulations taking effect, experts warn you may need lots

money to buy a house.

Galen Weston claims he was only price -fixing bread to feed his starving

And in her greatest ever acting role, Elizabeth Moss made a room full of

believe that a Scientologist cares about women's rights.

With Gretchen Carlson, the Miss America organization finally has a female chair,

removing the last vestiges of sexism from the pageant that gives a crown and

sash to America's prettiest lady.

The former CEO, Sam Haskell, resigned after failing to realize that emails,

-shaming, and slut -shaming former contestants can be shared using

But now, Miss America can move past this misogyny and start empowering women by

judging them in categories like wearing a bathing suit and answering a single

question.

YouTube celebrity Logan Paul's recent video showing a suicide victim has

questions about whether creators or video platforms should take

for disturbing content.

And also about who Logan Paul is and why anyone should care.

Here to discuss his viral sensation, ya boy Spooner.

Yo, what's up, y 'all?

You know it's your boy Spooner coming at you, so smash that like button,

subscribe, and comment for more of that spoon you crave.

This is a news broadcast, but yes, by all means, do smash that. Absolutely.

And also here is Lisa Jamstone, owner of several digital video platforms. Thank

you for joining us, Lisa. Thank you for having me and for shedding light on how

teenage YouTube creators are so irresponsible.

So, ya boy Spooner, who do you feel is at fault in the Logan Paul situation?

Oh, the platforms, bro.

The platforms. All my man Logan wanted to do was draw attention to the serious

issue of depression.

And how funny it is.

See, this is how creators like ya boi Spooner and Logan Paul give online video

platforms a bad name.

If Spooner's videos are so bad, then Spooner wants to know why YouTube lets

Spooner upload them.

It's not that simple. I mean, we can't just vet the content we host and then

punish abusive users.

Kind of seems like it is that simple.

Yeah, Spooner agrees.

Spooner hush.

Isn't it true that you yourself have recently come under fire for hosting

inappropriate content?

Yes. Sadly, some sicko uploaded a dogfighting video to my website. I did

down when people complained, but it was a dark day for dogfighttube .com.

Wait. Wait.

Dogfighttube .com?

Does your website exclusively host dogfighting videos?

I mean...

Who can say, you know, Dogfight Tube is just a platform, and our creators can

upload whatever they want. So, yeah, sometimes a little dogfighting does slip

in, but that is the fault of the creators.

Well, platforms only pay your boy Spooner and your boy Spooner's boy Logan

if we get views. I mean, it's not Spooner's fault that he got 10 million

for dropping a bowling ball on a turtle.

But the thing to remember is that the creators choose to do the thing that we

pay them to do.

I mean, it's not like you would arrest the person who paid a hitman, would you?

We didn't create a market for disturbing content. My preteen fans who don't know

any better did.

Well, it sounds like you're both equally awful, but thank you for being here.

University. It's where smart people go to get annoying.

But with applications due next week, students are wondering if there are

ways to get their parents to be proud of them.

With more, here's Laura Silovitz.

For most people, it's easy to get a job at your father's firm after finishing

three -fifths of your bachelor's degree.

But some graduates say Canadian universities aren't preparing students

hostile job market.

Now universities are trying to groom students for an uncertain future by

encouraging them not to go to university.

I'm here at the Ontario Anti -Universities Fair, a new initiative to

higher learning.

Prospective students will learn about the staggering rates of student debt.

inadequate mental health support, and outbreaks of super strains of STDs like

gonorrhea plus and extra big crap.

Students are given a chart outlining the skills employers want, such as being

willing to work for zero money and literally nothing else.

While it may seem unprofitable for universities who rely on tuition to

discourage Canadian students from enrolling, it's a deft economic move.

strategy frees up more spots for international students who pay up to

more for the same underwhelming experience.

For the Beaverton, I'm Laura Sullivan.

Thanks, Laura. After the break, you'll never believe how the news media is

sensationalizing their headlines to keep you watching.

Dangerous stuff. Really scary.

Francis kicked off the new year last week by urging the faithful to reject

consumerism in a mass from the Vatican, an opulent treasure palace decorated

with priceless works of art.

Critics suggest the anti -materialistic message may ring hollow, given the Holy

See's rumored billions in assets.

But as one church official was quick to point out, we've also got truly mind

-boggling amounts of gold.

The message is just the latest from the progressive pontiff, who insiders say

lives a humble life, largely shunning papal finery. Though thanks to the

Vatican's $300 million operating budget, he's also never short on popin' around

cash. After facing scrutiny for being out of touch, Toronto Mayor John Tory

unveiled an updated approach to providing information to the homeless

shelter beds.

A $35 a month smartphone app.

Available exclusively for the iPhone X, it sends push notifications on emergency

warming centers to Toronto's most vulnerable population, who also have the

latest smartphone and a healthy app budget.

Tory is doing all he can to circulate updates about shelter beds by spreading

the word at local cigar lounges and yacht clubs.

But while critics continue to bash the mayor for his insensitive attitude in

crisis, Tory defended his actions, saying, If we don't let all those

who complain about my inaction know that I now care about the homeless, how can

I expect to keep their vote?

The CRA has decided to hold off on investigating Canadian white -collar

criminals so they can focus all their energy on a far more important task,

auditing Steve from Manitoba again.

This would be Steve's third audit in the last four years, despite the fact that

he's hidden no money offshore, unless you count the time he suspiciously lost

his wallet on his honeymoon.

The CRA defended its choice of target in a statement. Sure, on the one hand, the

Paradise Papers prove that millions in government revenue is stolen every year.

But on the other hand, there's got to be something on this Steve guy if we dig

deep enough.

Marching and yelling. Sure, it's fun on your own. But when you do it in a group,

you can have fun and affect social change.

For more, here is Donovan Stinson.

A wave of protests is rocking downtown Toronto as the nation's smallest

group takes to the streets.

They make up less than 0 .1 % of the population.

They're not allowed to marry or even vote.

I'm speaking, of course, about corporations.

Monica Kring represents the National Business Lobby of Canada, a group she

describes as the NAACP of Fortune 500 companies.

So Trump and Sanders both ran on an anti -corporate platform, yet I can't help

but think that this protest is just kind of piggybacking on those tactics.

Well, just because we're economic elites doesn't mean we can't tap into the

populist feeling.

Right, yeah, but there just doesn't seem to be a whole lot of support here.

We've done a lot of conglomerating in the past couple decades.

Pretty much all of us. The Million Multinational March aims to get

a seat at the table for the NAFTA renegotiations. They already have one,

like, more of a seat.

It's scary, you know, because there is so much hatred towards us coming from

both the right and the left. It's not like you didn't do anything to deserve

this, though. I mean, S &P Lavalin's bribery, Barrett Gold's third world.

Sexual assaults, I mean, husky energy oil spills, I mean, the list goes on. I

get it.

We brought it on ourselves?

Yeah? Blame the victim?

You see, now I just feel that you're cravingly co -opting turns of phrase

minority groups use meaningfully.

I'm sorry, I find your language very triggering.

It's like that word, like triggering.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

I cannot go back to prison.

Well, they can't arrest us.

What? Well, there'll be no one left to profit from the prison industry, so...

Now,

while the protests didn't end up getting the national business lobby of Canada a

seat at the table, millions of dollars spent over decades of lobbying did.

It just goes to show that if you fight for what you believe in, you can win the

status quo.

As long as you're a lobby group with a collective GDP four times the size of

Canada's. For the Beaverton, I'm Donovan Stinson.

made its tale on Hulu and Alias Grace on Netflix, Hollywood is suddenly

optioning the collected works of its hottest star, 78 -year -old Margaret

Atwood. But with most Atwood properties already taken, Canadian broadcasters are

getting in on the act any way they can.

Global is making a miniseries out of Atwood's request for a variance to the

zoning board, while Rogers scooped up last week's grocery list they found

digging through her trash.

And while Bell Media's latest offer on Cat's Eye was rejected, the pros in her

email response was so compelling, CPV announced they are ordering the

letter straight to Siri.

Over the last year, each province raised the minimum wage from well below a

living wage to just below a living wage.

To maintain profits, some Tim Hortons franchises are cutting paid breaks,

canceling benefits, and forcing employees to eat their paninis.

Which brings us to tonight's point, counterpoint. Now that greedy minimum

workers are making more money, how else can businesses exploit them? Miguel,

what do you think?

I think no. Why would employers do that?

Well, you can't ask businesses to pay people for labor and get nothing in

return. Aren't they getting labor?

Sure, but if workers want to pay their phone bills so bad, they can't expect

the handouts they got before.

Handout? Yeah, days off when a family member dies, access to bathrooms,

handouts. Okay, maybe I'm in the minority here, but I think our lowest

can have a livable wage and a little toilet time. Well, now that these

wage fat cats are rolling in that brand -name cheese money, maybe they can buy

their own bathroom breaks. How would that possibly work?

Employee bathrooms would be coin -operated. A buck a poop. Why are you

advocating for employers to erode their staff dignity?

Okay, let me be clear. People that create job... are amazing sure people

work jobs are a drain on society businesses are already increasing their

won't that more than make up the difference okay simple

Simple, tiny Miguel.

If a minimum wage person worked a full year, full time, that's enough to make

$28 ,000. And that's enough to get an Audi at a police auction.

You think raising the cost of a donut can cover a crime -stained Audi?

That is a difficult question to answer. It can't.

It can't, Miguel. Not unless a lot more people start buying donuts. And that is

not going to happen unless we magically increase the purchasing power of an

entire class of people. Which is why, to save businesses, I think we should

raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour across the country.

You know what? You win again.

I knew you'd change your mind.

You always do.

Well, that's been our show. Join us next week when we fire the rest of our

correspondents for trying to unionize.

When you're up here alone, I think you're like, can I take this seriously?

This man, this man, that's your opinion, which is how it should be.