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Tonight on the Beaverton.

After the Paradise Papers, Elizabeth May discloses the knitted boots she sold on

Etsy.

In yet another bombshell, former DNC chair Donna Brazile alleges she has a

you should buy.

And the hero who deleted Trump's Twitter account remains anonymous, so we never

need to find out about their past as a sexual abuser.

Welcome to the Beaverton, the only satirical news show that dares to

Donald Trump.

I'm your host, Miguel Rivas. And I'm your favorite host, Emma Hunter.

Our top story, the CBC's Paradise Papers investigation revealed that offshore

Canadian wealth is costing us $6 billion in tax revenue, or enough money for a

thousand seasons of Heartland.

But now, Bill Morneau is vowing to stop wealthy Canadians from hiding money

overseas by turning Toronto's Centre Island into an offshore tax haven.

Not only does this technically count as a promise kept, it will also create

dozens of new jobs for Canada's most highly skilled workers, white -collar

criminals.

While Panama and the Isle of Man will remain the places to hide taxable

wealthy Canadians could easily hide millions in Centre Island's secure

facilities, like its many trees, holes in the ground, or the part of the nude

beach that's all weird old dudes.

Scheer has blasted Governor General Julie Payette over recent pro -science

remarks he says are harming Canada's ark building industry.

According to Scheer, Payette's remarks are offensive to the millions of

Canadians who work daily to build giant boats filled with heterosexual animals.

Not to mention those who work in Canada's loaf and fish sector or are

professional brother killers.

Scheer concluded by saying how disappointed he was on behalf of

indigenous religions.

Muslims, Jews, Sikhs, but mostly Christians.

Mark Zuckerberg had a new memory on his wall today. It's been one year since his

social platform accidentally helped rig the U .S. election.

The post, including a picture of Zuckerberg driving a dump truck of

reminded him of the time thousands of Russian attack ads shaped the campaign.

Many were shared millions of times. Others were not as successful.

The attack campaign was so influential that traditional media are now getting

with the times and selling ad space to Russian operatives.

Facebook has vowed to stop this kind of voting interference, but somehow

Vladimir Putin has made it to the very competitive top eight in this season of

NBC's The Voice.

Wow.

In recent months, many Indigenous Canadians have come forward to protest

practice of naming schools after colonial figures like John A. Macdonald.

However, one reserve has announced they'd be willing to name their school

anybody, as long as the government actually builds them one.

According to band council leaders, we don't care if they call it the

Institution for Hitler Studies, as long as it has teachers, desks, and no

affiliation with the Catholic Church.

In related news, Indigenous Affairs Minister Carolyn Bennett has cut the

at one reserve's water treatment plant, which was named after the oil company

who contaminated their water in the first place.

When people think of Winnipeg, they often quickly think of something else.

We go now to Marilla Wex, who doesn't have that option.

Winnipeg, gateway to the West, the Chicago of the North.

Yellowknife of the South and home to the Canadian Museum for Human Rights.

As part of its mandate to bear witness to human rights abuses, the museum has

opened a new gallery focusing on the area of Winnipeg literally a kilometre

north of the museum.

The exhibit will allow patrons to experience the racism and economic

endemic to modern Winnipeg, all within the comfort of a sparkling $300 million

facility built in one of Canada's most neglected urban areas.

The Kids Discovery Zone will give wealthy children hands -on learning

experiences with used syringes, while expensive VR technology will let grown

-ups know how it feels to be racially profiled by the police who are doing it

real time 800 metres away.

If the systemic indifference is too much for privileged museum -goers to handle,

they can take a break by enjoying $15 eggs bennies at the Museum Bistro.

Many have wondered why some of the $300 million invested into the Museum for

Human Rights wasn't used to combat actual human rights problems.

However, a spokesperson replied,

if we solved systemic oppression, we'd lose out on a powerful moving exhibit.

You just can't put a price on human rights.

Awareness. For the Beaverton, I'm Marilla Wex in Winnipeg.

Thanks, Marilla.

Moving on to Alberta, where Premier Rachel Notley's onerous carbon tax has

forced every single one of the province's 4 .2 million citizens into

prostitution.

The exorbitant tax, which costs the average Albertan $191 a year, not

the $200 rebate, has the entire province turning tricks to pay their electricity

bills. Bills which have skyrocketed since every resident started putting on

red light.

According to United Conservative Party Madam Jason Kenney, resorting to the

world's oldest profession is literally the only way we can afford to pay what

still one of the lowest tax rates in the country.

Also, do you like what you see?

Climate change. It's what will choke, burn, and drown all our future

And yet, climate change denial has long been a main pillar of the Republican

rhombus.

But with the UN convening in Germany this week for a conference on the

the Trump administration has issued a report confirming that global warming is

indeed man -made. For more on this stunning about -face, here's our own

Sillivant. Thanks for having me.

Laura, what was the tipping point that caused so many conservatives to stop

denying climate change?

The research I've seen shows that there is no evidence that climate change

denial has ever happened.

It's a liberal hoax, like trans fats or the wage gap.

So you're a climate change denier. Denier? I prefer climate change denier

skeptic. All the models that demonstrate climate change deniers exist are

unreliable. There's just no proof.

Laura, big oil companies fabricated junk science about the Earth cooling for

years to sway public opinion on global warming. This is public record.

I don't see how the two are related.

Are you really arguing that climate change denial doesn't exist?

No, of course not. Not at all. Of course climate change denial exists, but it's

not caused by humans.

But we can see the very real effects caused by people who overtly deny

change. A confused and divided public, Trump subsidies to develop a coal

-powered car.

Miguel, lots of things confuse and divide the public. Remember that blue

dress thing on Facebook?

So if climate change deniers don't exist, why is there still any debate at

The back and forth of the climate change debate is a naturally occurring

process. It has always gone in cycles of evidence being presented, world leaders

taking group photos, and no action being taken.

That's pretty depressing.

The truth is humans are too insignificant to have any real impact on

change discussion.

That actually sounds right.

Laura Thilevitz, everyone.

Rebel media refuses to stop calling Environment Minister Catherine McKenna

climate Barbie, a term that is as sexist as it is inaccurate, since as far as we

know, Barbie was excellent at her job.

Using personally insulting nicknames against someone you disagree with

politically is beneath all of us. Which is why we at the Beaverton would never

come up with insulting personal nicknames for Ezra Levant.

For example, we wouldn't dare call him Dog Whistle Ken Doll.

Nor would we call him Teddy Cuxpin.

Or Slander Me Elmo.

Or the Islamophobic Cabbage Patch Kid.

Because we here at the Beaverton...

integrity after the break we find out which selfish celebrity is trying to

their death all about them

elected Valerie Plante as the first female mayor in its 375 -year history

week, officially making it the most progressive city in North America.

Plante's victory was especially well -received by Montreal's most influential

voting bloc, the mafia, who are relieved to spend the next four years trying to

bribe Plante at only 87 cents on the dollar.

In her victory speech, Plant says her first order of business will be to

Montreal's infrastructure from, quote, what I can only assume was some kind of

drone strike.

Last week, Kathleen Wynne announced LCBO -run marijuana shops are coming to 15

cities across the province. But Ontario mayors are complaining the premier is

light on details, noting Wynne will only give them information if they're

willing to stay and play video games for, like, 20 minutes.

The mayors also reported that Wynne tried to sell mayors on other harder

information when all they wanted was the information on marijuana.

Guelph mayor Cam Guthrie said that when he met her, she kept asking if I'd been

followed. She then went on and on about this one Dalton McGinty speech that

syncs up perfectly with Dark Side of the Moon.

But she couldn't get it to work.

Moving forward, the mayors have agreed they need to have the uncomfortable

conversation making it clear that Wynne is not their friend, she's just their

premier.

With more on how the existing players in the legal drug game are adapting to the

new rules, here's the Michael Jordan of putting drugs in your butt to cross

international borders, Donovan Stinson.

For the liberals, legalizing pot may have been an electable campaign promise,

but with the legislative delays and pointless raids on dispensaries, turning

to be bad policy.

Many of the licenses to cultivate weed were offered to companies with deep ties

to the pharmaceutical industry and even deeper pockets to lobby federal

regulators.

Which begs the question, just how is Big Pharma planning to ruin legal weed for

the rest of us?

Okay, well, we are going to revolutionize the way the pot is

distributed, and, well, abused.

Yeah, and by applying what we've learned from our work with opioids.

We're pretty convinced that we can turn legal weed into the next national

crisis.

That's your goal.

In China, the word crisis is comprised of two characters, right? One meaning

opportunity and the other meaning for profit.

Well, there's two things that I learned from my tattoo artist. One, you're only

half right.

And two, marijuana isn't nearly as addictive as the prescription

that she sells me.

True, no, marijuana may not be particularly habit -forming, but to that

challenge accepted.

Challenge accepted.

Yeah, oh, no, I got it. We are really excited about our new slow -release

cannabis pill.

Slow -release.

Yeah, and because the medicinal benefits of pot are so ill -defined, I mean, we

can recommend these for pretty much anything.

Thank you very much.

I mean, listen, we already know how to make our patients hopelessly dependent

our products.

But imagine what we could accomplish if we didn't have to go through those

detestable middlemen. Right, drug dealers.

No, doctors.

No, no, you can't imagine the amount of money we waste trying to influence

physicians at medical conferences with no guarantee that they'll over

-prescribe. But isn't the government already your middleman? I mean, they're

already controlling distribution.

Well, once we jack up the prices, we'll easily be able to sell our schwag to the

black market to undercut them. Sure.

You know, thereby creating that two -tiered system that we've spent years

lobbying for.

Clearly, big pharma can harsh any buzz.

But if there's one thing that can take the edge off a progressive issue being

-opted by corporate interests, it's this sample that Lisa gave me of her new

line of joints that are pre -rolled with fentanyl patches.

Hey,

at least the first taste is free.

For the Beaverton, I'm Donovan. Oh, that's going to be a problem for sure.

Thanks, Donovan. We're all praying for your swift recovery.

Donald Trump has declared opioids a public health emergency, freeing up $57

,000, or one new Subaru's worth, in crisis spending.

But crack and meth also remain widespread killers.

Jennifer Benson joins us from the National Task Force on Drug Abuse.

Jennifer, how can we help people addicted to crack?

We found the best treatment we can offer is to get them addicted to heroin.

I'm sorry?

Society sees crack addicts as scary and urban, but it's more inclined to see

opioid users as good people who've lost their way.

So you help them to help them. That's pretty smart, John.

Is it?

Think about it. Philip Seymour Hoffman's heroin overdose was a tragic death of

despair, but Rick James' addiction is a punchline for suburban white guys who

like the Chappelle Show for the wrong reasons.

I never thought the blind Klansman sketch was open to interpretation until

joined Twitter.

As far as the public is concerned, crack cocaine is something that people do,

but opioids are something that happens to people.

You know, it's almost as though there's some sort of demographic reason for

that.

Is this program only for crack users, then? Oh, no.

Anyone can get in on the crisis.

Meth heads, angel dusters, speed fiends, gamblers, Xbox junkies. As long as

they're white, we've got them.

Okay. And are there any other initiatives the U .S. government is

Nope.

Like, at all?

I mean, we'd like to do more, but all our staff have been arrested for heroin

possession.

Thanks, Jennifer.

After the break, we meet the progressive veteran who can tell us about his

mission firebombing Tokyo without using racial slurs.

Coming

up

later on the Beaverton.

Does the Illuminati have a diversity problem?

Roger Goodell is quietly hoping brain injuries will cause NFL players to

what they're protesting.

And the TTC revealed its latest merchandise, a perfume that smells like

smell. You know, the smell.

After a record month of gun violence, Republican lawmakers have had enough,

unanimously passing legislation to combat the root cause of mass shootings,

public gatherings.

The Freedom from Liberty Bill protects Americans by making a criminal

check and psych evaluation mandatory before they set foot inside a mall,

or movie theater.

The co -sponsor of the bill explained, why should guns be punished when we're

the ones openly congregating in schools and outdoor concerts?

Places where guns have a Second Amendment right to be.

After all, you can't have a mass shooting without math.

The Halifax Education Board is getting rid of obsolete programs like debate

clubs and replacing them with cutting -edge programs like online debate clubs.

The new clubs eschew the parliamentary style in favor of Facebook mock debates,

where users win arguments by mocking people.

As one grade 12 student put it, I've learned that if you call someone a

dangerous fascist or a moronic libtard and then walk away from your computer,

you win.

That's the kind of skill I'll need if I want to be a world leader one day.

The city of Toronto has released a new line of green food waste bins. They say

are finally raccoon proof.

The new bins come with thicker plastic, a thumbprint scanner, facial recognition

technology, and remote detonating laser guided knife missiles.

The city's only concern is that these bins will kill the weaker raccoons,

accidentally creating a horrifying trash panda master race.

Some residents report raccoons are already using sophisticated cyber

overwhelm the bins and then knocking them over to get at the trash.

When we come back, director Ron Howard reveals how the young Han Solo film will

explore his awkward goth phase.

I'll do that.

Welcome back. An alarming new study by Health Canada on children's smartphone

use has experts concerned that an entire generation isn't being raised by

television.

The study found smartphones were raising today's kids as lonely tech addicts,

whereas TV raised previous generations to be stable, weed -addled couch

potatoes.

It also warned that without shows like Friends to light the way, kids could

out on such key life lessons as Friends Are Good and It's Fun to Make Homophobic

Jokes.

New sexual assault allegations against Kevin Spacey, Dustin Hoffman, and Jeremy

Piven have fans rushing to finish the works of their favorite artists before

they're revealed to be sexual predators.

Insiders say swirling rumors of Louis C .K.'s sexual misconduct has led to a 10

,000 % increase in binge -watching his stand -up specials, and even convinced

viewers to sit through all of Horace and Pete.

Gross. I know, the accusations are pretty upsetting. No, I mean Horace and

Director Brett Ratner, who was accused of assault by six women this week, is

said to be the lone exception to this phenomenon, as no one wanted to see his

movies in the first place.

In the wake of revelations that Hollywood's harassment problem affects

as young as 14, people are talking about the way we sexualize teenage girls.

From Stranger Things Millie Bobby Brown to schoolgirls being told the way they

dress distracts male peers.

The controversy is the subject of tonight's Point Counterpoint. Should

more revealing clothes to level out the playing field? Miguel, what do you

think? I can't believe that you're still allowed within 500 meters of a school.

No. I'm not talking about anything pervy. I'm just saying a little less

school bus and a little more magic mic.

Well, it sounds to me like you just want to objectify boys.

It may be disgusting, Miguel, but it is the only way we are going to achieve

equality. And we have got a lot of work to do if we're going to teach young men

that their only value in this world is as the object of female sexual desire.

Emma, no, no, no. We shouldn't be objectifying anyone.

And boys should be able to focus and restrain themselves regardless of what

girls choose to wear.

Yeah, and in a perfect world, we could build a base on the sun and put braces

sharks.

But science teaches us that young men are thirsty id monsters who, and this is

true, have genitals on the outside of their bodies.

That is ridiculous.

Look between your legs, Miguel.

No, I know. Look, I'll admit it, we have a long way to go. But why can't we

start with teaching boys to respect girls regardless of their appearance?

But wouldn't it just be easier to force boys into being constantly consumed with

achieving unattainable beauty standards? Or reinforce the idea that even if

they're cool, smart, athletic, interesting, no one is going to like

they have huge boobs?

So, hold on. You want to live in a world where teenage boys are riddled with

self -doubt and feel like they're constantly being judged based on how

look? Yeah.

Equality.

Thanks so much for tuning in. Now let's just sit here quietly until next week's

show.

I don't know. I haven't watched the video. I don't know editing at all.