Original subtitles

We shouldn't be doing this.

The fuzz might consider it to be breaking and entering.

Sometimes I think you're more of an old woman than my mother.

I just don't like to think of going to jail.

We're invited guests.

Then where's the invitee?

Oh, be quiet and close the door.

Any minute I expect Bela Lugosi as Dracula!

Good Lord!

You can say that again.

Good Lord!

What in the hell have you gotten me into?

What have I gotten myself into?

You are Danny and Shirley Carpenter?

I am Tanya.

- She's Tanya. - Quiet!

We're the Carpenters.

You are expected.

But Madam Heles does not receive visitors

until the hour of midnight is upon us.

The Dracula bit again.

We will attempt to make your stay comfortable for the next two days.

We are very anxious to meet Madame Heles.

Most are. But not until the hour of midnight.

You will be called.

It's 2:30 in the afternoon! What in the hell are we supposed to do in the meantime?

A room has been assigned to you. Come!

I trust you will make yourselves at home.

We came here for that purpose, but we can't make it at home.

Agh!

Madame Heles feels her guests must be pleased.

You will have these to service you.

All you must do is squeeze this little dong for attention.

- Thank you. - Until midnight.

That's weird.

I don't like this whole setup.

I admit it's a strange place, but strange happenings come from strange happenings.

But what's gonna happen if they find out we're not really married?

They won't if you don't tell them!

And besides we won't be if you don't find out what it's all about,

and what it takes to make a woman happy in her sex life.

I never heard any complaints before you came along, you mother!

- Did you say something? - Aw, shut up!

Feels inviting.

You wouldn't know what to do with the bed if you did try it out!

I sure wish you'd stop trying to insult my manhood!

Manhood? Ha!

That's what we came here for, to get you a manhood!

A witch! Bullshit!

Madame Heles is not a witch, she's a necromancer.

That ill spells witch to me! st W-I-T-C-H, WITCH!

How do you think such a creature can do anything for me?

Well, she better, Danny, because it's your last chance!

If you can't satisfy me by the time we leave here,

I'm going my way and you can go your own soft way!

Aw, honey! Don't say that!

Dammit, I mean it! I'm not gonna spend my life loving some guy who can't satisfy me!

Necromancers have all kinds of potions and things to help you!

You mean like dope?

You know I don't take dope. - The only dope around here is you.

Now, you're gonna do what I say or I'm leaving right now!

Aw, honey, stay. I'll go through with it!

I promised you. I'll keep my promise.

Oh, Danny.

They are as you suspected: not married.

They are now ripe for our purpose.

- Tanya? - Yes, Carl?

Isn't it time?

Carl, I do believe you have become insatiable.

Only because you taught me to be that way.

I suppose I have.

But there are others in the house now, and others to be serviced.

But I wanna be first! I must come first!

I paid plenty to be first. To be completely cured.

Very well. You are a quickie artist.

I suppose I can spare the time.

But Madame Heles will have to speak to you about further servicing.

That will come later. Now is the time!

- It must be now! - Come!

Hey!

I thought I taught you haste makes waste!

Baby, I don't waste a thing!

You wanna make love?

Oh, come on!

Come on, I can. I promise.

Just give me a chance, okay? I don't need that witch.

- Show me. - Yeah?

You're so beautiful.

I'd just be nothing without you.

Damn. I might just as well have watched television.

That's how much of a charge you give me.

You just don't try hard enough.

"Hard." That's the whole problem.

I'm gonna take a look around.

Do you think your Madame Heles is gonna like you wandering around all over her house?

She'll like our money. She's not gonna give me any trouble.

Have fun.

Same to you.

Oh!

You nearly made me wet my nightgown, old boy.

It's new, too.

He died of rabies, you know.

Oh.

I'm Barb.

I'm one of the inmates.

Inmates?

Yeah. Like, "you're in, you can't get out."

I must say, you're a good-looking one.

Apparently, you like that.

Something came over me.

You learn fast.

Sure it's not like that with Danny?

You know my husband?

You mean your lover?

- You know? - Everyone knows...

That you're not married.

Besides, Danny will be taken care of. So will you.

Aw, shit.

I'd better go find her.

Wait for me, my darling.

I feel so strange.

It is to be expected. Do you like me?

Very much.

Then trust in me.

Put your whole body and soul into my hands.

I've never felt this way before.

It's only a start, my darling. Only a start.

Your wife was much more demonstrative when she saw the Wolf Mummy.

Yeah.

I've wanted you.

But what about my wife?

You mean your Shirley?

Oh, yeah. I, uh...

Forgot she was your lover not your wife?

Something like that.

You'd never forget me.

This could prove to be very interesting.

I'm sure it will be.

- You learn quickly. - I have a good teacher.

- Same as your lover. - Danny's in training.

Bet your sweet bippy!

I didn't think anything like this was supposed to happen until after we met

Madame Heles.

There are always preparations before Madame Heles makes her entrance.

This is all very confusing.

You were confused before you came here.

But soon you will be confused no longer.

- Shirley, I want you. - Oh, Barb...

A union of two bodies...

That is what we strive for.

Love me, Shirley, love me!

Oh, God!

Oh, I sure didn't expect this.

You taste so good!

Damn!

Don't stop, Shirley. Don't stop!

Thank you, Shirley. I love you.

Let me make you cum.

Oh, yeah.

Lick me! Taste me!

(moaning)

It is time. Bring me the patients.

- What's that? - It is time.

- I'm scared. - Don't be frightened. There's nothing wrong.

- Will you be there? - I'll be with you.

Is everything else around here done on such a startling scale?

- You must admit it is effective. - Sure, if you wanna scare the hell outta somebody.

It is only to scare the devils and inhibitions from the mortal souls.

- What happens now? - We shall return to the Red Room.

- And once there? - You shall know when the time comes.

For such a fancy setting, you think these are conventional enough?

The word "conventional" has many connotations...

Nevermore so than in this establishment.

There's no reason for nerves.

That's kind of hard to accept.

You're the most interesting pupil. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

- Shall we go now? - Okay.

Come here. I want to show you something.

Not all react to the treatment successfully.

There are those who will never find satisfaction in their universal language.

- Universal language? - Sex.

Some want too much. Others too little.

I didn't react very well, did I?

There's always the future.

Like them in their future?

Not like them.

They are lost forever. Not like them.

They can never return to a world which will reject them.

They're happy here.

Come. We mustn't keep the Madame waiting any longer.

- Where have you been? - I could ask you the same question.

Well, I had a delightful time.

Yes, but did she?

I don't dig any of this crap.

What's the matter, can't you handle the problems again?

I might have problems, but it looks like these people got a helluva lot more problems than me.

Nobody has got more problems than you. And that's the truth.

We await your appearance, oh, Madame Heles!

(moaning)

(moaning)

(moaning)

How have they worked out?

She's been a tremendous student. She's learned her sex well.

Then she shall be removed.

Henceforth, she will live for sex and sex alone.

You've graduated.

Hey, what about me?

We still have some work to do on you.

Then he needs the personal sex teachings of Madame Heles!

Hey! What're you guys doing?

Quit it! Hey! Quit it!

Stop! Don't put me in there!

Ah! Not with her! Quit it! No! God! Quit it!

Get me outta here!

Let me go!

No! No! No! Stop! (muffled cries)

I'm a man! I'm a man, I'm great!