All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes S01E30 Cupid Comes to Stalag 13. DVDRip. NonHI. cc. en. CBS

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,904 --> 00:00:07,672 CBS presents this program in color. 2 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,502 All right. 3 00:01:10,537 --> 00:01:16,508 The lights go out in exactly 23 seconds. 4 00:01:16,543 --> 00:01:19,077 Schultz, you woke me up to tell me that? 5 00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:20,290 Buzz off! 6 00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:22,480 18 seconds more. 7 00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:23,716 Turn out the light, Schultz. 8 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:24,760 I need the extra sleep. 9 00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:25,784 Impossible. 10 00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:29,154 According to camp regulations, 11 00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:31,422 the lights have to be out in, uh... 12 00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:34,326 ten seconds, nine, eight... 13 00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:36,561 Seven, six, five... 14 00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:40,832 four, three, two, one. 15 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,078 Zero! 16 00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:44,543 Get those lights out, come on! 17 00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:45,849 The Commandant can see all this 18 00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,650 from the window, you know, Schultz. 19 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,307 The Commandant! 20 00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:50,541 Commandant. 21 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,447 Where... Where is my rifle?! 22 00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:57,626 I don't know. 23 00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:59,017 What do you mean you don't know? 24 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,185 Where is my rifle? 25 00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,053 Trifle? No! Rifle! 26 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:05,623 Rifle, where is my rifle? 27 00:02:05,658 --> 00:02:06,958 Who stole my ri...? 28 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:10,128 Ah, here is my rifle. 29 00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,141 Why do you have to have my rifle? 30 00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,899 I don't have a teddy bear. 31 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,144 Oh, that's sad, 32 00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:16,445 but give me back the rifle. 33 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,869 Shh! Shh! 34 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,048 Quiet! 35 00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:21,172 Shh. Shh. 36 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,986 Everybody, sound asleep. 37 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:24,175 Back to bed. 38 00:02:24,211 --> 00:02:26,878 Everybody sound asleep. 39 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,080 Shh! 40 00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:30,282 Shh. 41 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:31,416 Schultz? 42 00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:34,136 Can I have a drink of water? 43 00:02:34,171 --> 00:02:35,637 No! Quiet! 44 00:02:35,673 --> 00:02:37,673 Everybody back to bed! 45 00:02:45,182 --> 00:02:47,215 All right, come on. 46 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,718 Okay, Ferguson, let's go. 47 00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:58,321 The underground's waiting for those maps, come on! 48 00:02:58,345 --> 00:02:59,755 Gosh, I hate to leave here. 49 00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:01,346 The last four days have been the best 50 00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:02,547 I ever spent in the army. 51 00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:04,560 Nothing too good for a guest who's going 52 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:06,195 on a dangerous mission, Captain. 53 00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:07,596 All right, now, look, 54 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,265 Carter will get you to the meeting place 55 00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:10,533 with the underground. 56 00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:12,368 They'll see that you get back to England 57 00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:13,636 with the installation maps. 58 00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:14,859 Okay, Colonel. 59 00:03:20,584 --> 00:03:21,849 All clear, Kinch? 60 00:03:21,885 --> 00:03:24,152 Uh-huh, so far. 61 00:03:25,589 --> 00:03:27,589 Uh-oh! What's the matter? 62 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,869 Our beloved Commandant is on the prowl. 63 00:03:29,893 --> 00:03:31,893 Can't be, should be asleep by now. 64 00:03:31,929 --> 00:03:33,945 Here, hold this. 65 00:03:35,915 --> 00:03:37,382 Yeah, it is Klink! 66 00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,713 And he's heading right for the barracks. 67 00:03:39,737 --> 00:03:40,969 Down periscope! 68 00:03:41,004 --> 00:03:42,637 Everybody back to bed! Let's go, come on! 69 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,289 By the way, Ferguson, if you want anything, 70 00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,490 just ring for room service. 71 00:03:51,514 --> 00:03:53,581 Thanks, Colonel. 72 00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:13,251 Hey, what's going on here? 73 00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:15,053 All right, who turned on the lights? 74 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,521 You guys know the rules. 75 00:04:16,556 --> 00:04:17,700 We didn't do... 76 00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:19,991 Oh, Commandant, what a pleasure. 77 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,192 I couldn't sleep. 78 00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:22,438 I want to talk to you, Hogan. 79 00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:23,995 Oh, sure, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'll, uh... 80 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,242 I'll drop by your office first thing in the morning, 81 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,510 say, around 11:30ish. 82 00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,534 I want to talk to you now alone. 83 00:04:29,569 --> 00:04:32,009 Uh, why don't you step into my office? 84 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,807 Light, sir. 85 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,622 Well, Colonel, 86 00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:41,190 what's up at this hour of the night? 87 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,358 I mean, besides you? 88 00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:44,082 Do you mind if we have some light, Hogan? 89 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,117 Oh, oh, I'm sorry. 90 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,398 Sit down. 91 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:49,720 Thank you. 92 00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:50,988 Hogan, uh, 93 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,458 this is a painful matter to discuss, 94 00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:56,094 but it's no secret, I know. 95 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,728 You do? 96 00:04:57,764 --> 00:05:00,065 What do you know? 97 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,332 That I'm a failure. 98 00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:02,833 Is that all? 99 00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:05,537 Is that all? 100 00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:08,005 Do you think it's easy for a man to face the fact 101 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,074 that he's been a failure all his life? 102 00:05:10,109 --> 00:05:12,349 No, but you've had a long time to get used to it. 103 00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:15,391 Why are you telling me about this? 104 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,059 Because even though you're a prisoner, 105 00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:19,484 you're the only man of equal rank here at this camp. 106 00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:20,663 Thank you. 107 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:22,854 And also, if you repeat this conversation, 108 00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,889 as a prisoner, I can have you shot. 109 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:27,269 Under those circumstances, you can depend on me, sir. 110 00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:29,026 Thank you, Colonel Hogan. 111 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:32,782 Mm-hmm. Uh, what makes you think you're a failure? 112 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,500 Do you realize 113 00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,869 that I have been a colonel longer than any man 114 00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,871 in my graduating class? 115 00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:43,240 The rest are all generals, field marshals... 116 00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:45,593 To say nothing of Hitler, who was a corporal. 117 00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:47,729 His next promotion was head of the army. 118 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:50,065 I am not complaining about that promotion. 119 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:52,650 General Burkhalter called today. 120 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:55,803 He is coming here to talk to me about my future, he said. 121 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:57,305 Do you realize what that means? 122 00:05:57,341 --> 00:06:00,308 It means a transfer to the Russian front. 123 00:06:00,344 --> 00:06:02,510 Fine, get a chance to be a hero! 124 00:06:02,545 --> 00:06:05,997 I'd rather be a live failure than a dead hero. 125 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:07,532 Then you've got your wish. 126 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:08,866 You're a live failure. 127 00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:12,871 Sorry. 128 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,006 How much longer you going 129 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,151 to keep Captain Ferguson 130 00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:17,319 down in that tunnel, sir? 131 00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:18,476 We can't get him away 132 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,277 while Klink prowls the grounds all night. 133 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:21,691 Yeah, and with Klink on the prowl, 134 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:22,925 the guards are on the alert. 135 00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:24,181 What I want to know is, 136 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,862 how much longer is Klink going to prowl? 137 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,719 As long as Klink is unhappy and can't sleep. 138 00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:29,487 We got to figure a way to make him happy. 139 00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,166 General Burkhalter, I cannot tell you 140 00:06:31,190 --> 00:06:34,492 what a pleasure it always is to have you drop in for a visit. 141 00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,506 Sit down, Klink. 142 00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:38,808 You are making me nervous. 143 00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,098 Oh, I wouldn't do that for the world. 144 00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:42,867 Not to you, General, never, never. 145 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,179 Stop talking. 146 00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:46,763 That makes me nervous, too. 147 00:06:48,258 --> 00:06:51,559 I've been giving a great deal of thought to you, Klink, 148 00:06:51,594 --> 00:06:54,462 and I must say, I strongly disapprove of you. 149 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:58,099 Do you know what I disapprove of? 150 00:06:58,135 --> 00:06:59,645 The way you are living. 151 00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:01,580 A man like you shouldn't live alone. 152 00:07:01,604 --> 00:07:03,571 It's not good to live alone. 153 00:07:03,606 --> 00:07:05,646 All right, Herr General, I'll get a dog. 154 00:07:07,244 --> 00:07:08,743 I wasn't talking about a dog. 155 00:07:08,778 --> 00:07:10,745 I was talking about a wife. 156 00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:12,713 All right, I'll get a... 157 00:07:12,749 --> 00:07:13,881 Wife? 158 00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:15,883 Naturally, I cannot order you 159 00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:18,053 to do something about your personal life. 160 00:07:18,088 --> 00:07:19,832 No, no, no, no, please, please, go ahead. 161 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,156 Order, order. 162 00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,441 Marrying into the right kind of family 163 00:07:23,476 --> 00:07:25,443 can do a lot for a man's career. 164 00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:27,178 You're absolutely right, Herr General. 165 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,513 It can do everything. 166 00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:31,115 Do you remember Captain Haldman? 167 00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:32,183 Haldman? 168 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,351 Oh, yes. 169 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:34,652 He was in my graduating class. 170 00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,221 The class idiot, we used to call him. 171 00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:40,258 The idiot has just been made general. 172 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,860 He married Field Marshal Keitel's niece. 173 00:07:42,895 --> 00:07:44,429 Is that so? 174 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,531 Oh, well, of course when I used the word idiot, 175 00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,099 I was merely using a figure of speech. 176 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,254 What I meant to say was... He is an idiot! 177 00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:53,037 But it just shows you 178 00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:55,806 what making the right kind of marriage can do for someone. 179 00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:57,808 That's all I have to say. 180 00:07:57,844 --> 00:07:59,810 General Burkhalter, I want to thank you 181 00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,379 for bringing this to my attention. 182 00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,481 Not at all. 183 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,252 Oh, by the way... 184 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,453 Yes, sir? 185 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,632 My sister and niece 186 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,234 will be visiting with me. 187 00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:12,968 I'd like you to meet them. 188 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,459 Naturally, Herr General. 189 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,194 I would be delighted to meet your sister and niece. 190 00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:22,667 Delighted. 191 00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:27,950 We got to get Ferguson off pretty soon. 192 00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:29,184 The underground says 193 00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:30,919 they can only wait two or three more days. 194 00:08:30,943 --> 00:08:32,076 Well, we can't do a thing 195 00:08:32,111 --> 00:08:33,478 while Klink roams around at night 196 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,513 and the guards have to be on their toes. 197 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,848 See you later. 198 00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:39,751 Oh, Ferguson wants some Worcestershire sauce 199 00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,654 for his cheeseburgers. 200 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,390 Woostershire. 201 00:08:47,594 --> 00:08:48,804 Hi, Colonel. 202 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,628 General Burkhalter just left here. 203 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,074 Oh. The Russian front? 204 00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,064 Worse, much worse. 205 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,434 He wants me to marry his niece. 206 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,713 That's bad? 207 00:08:57,737 --> 00:08:59,904 Did you hear what I said? 208 00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:01,539 Burkhalter's niece. 209 00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:02,818 Did you ever stop to think 210 00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:04,219 she might be a beauty? 211 00:09:04,243 --> 00:09:06,210 Ha! It's more likely she looks like Burkhalter. 212 00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:07,345 Oh. 213 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,113 And if she isn't something awful, 214 00:09:09,148 --> 00:09:12,116 why would Burkhalter practically blackmail me into marrying her? 215 00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:13,818 She's got to be a monster. 216 00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:15,230 Uh, don't do anything hasty, sir. 217 00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:16,865 Why don't you get a good night's sleep? 218 00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:18,734 Things will look differently in the morning. 219 00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:19,990 Sleep? 220 00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:21,292 I won't close my eyes 221 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,627 all night long. 222 00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:25,095 I was afraid of that. 223 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,999 What did Captain Ferguson order for breakfast today? 224 00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:31,602 Waffles and sausages, and a cheese omelet, 225 00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:34,138 and potato pancakes with applesauce. 226 00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,419 Oh, boy, that Ferguson is living the life of Riley. 227 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:37,620 That's right. 228 00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:39,644 That bloke Riley must have some appetite. 229 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:41,357 Yeah, and the war's going to be over 230 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,058 before we get Ferguson out of here. 231 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,582 There's nothing we can do. 232 00:09:44,617 --> 00:09:46,784 Our unhappy Commandant was prowling the grounds 233 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,419 again last night. 234 00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:50,199 Uh-oh. 235 00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:52,289 Looks like we got company. 236 00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:00,109 Good morning, General Burkhalter. 237 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,100 Good morning. 238 00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,469 Colonel Klink, this is my niece Lottie. 239 00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:06,704 How do you do? 240 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,840 And this is my 241 00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:11,175 sister, Mrs. Linkmyer. 242 00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:12,210 How do you do? 243 00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:15,179 How do you do? 244 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,193 Your quarters are ready 245 00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:18,660 right next to the General 246 00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:19,862 in the VIP section. 247 00:10:19,886 --> 00:10:21,731 That is very kind of you, Colonel. 248 00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:24,222 I hope we don't put you to too much trouble. 249 00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:25,389 No trouble at all. 250 00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:26,390 May I show you 251 00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:27,620 around the camp? 252 00:10:27,644 --> 00:10:29,611 The ladies just arrived, Klink. 253 00:10:29,646 --> 00:10:31,912 I'm sure they would like to freshen up. 254 00:10:31,948 --> 00:10:33,948 You can show them around later. 255 00:10:33,983 --> 00:10:35,783 Oh, I understand, sir. 256 00:10:35,819 --> 00:10:37,451 Till we meet again. 257 00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:45,459 Well, Colonel, I must say 258 00:10:45,495 --> 00:10:47,006 the niece doesn't look a bit 259 00:10:47,030 --> 00:10:48,162 like Burkhalter. 260 00:10:48,197 --> 00:10:49,564 She is a goddess! 261 00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:50,798 Mm-hmm. 262 00:10:50,834 --> 00:10:52,011 And don't use her name 263 00:10:52,035 --> 00:10:54,079 in the same breath with his! 264 00:10:54,103 --> 00:10:56,237 Oh, I'm sorry. 265 00:10:56,272 --> 00:10:58,250 Get those men cleaned up. 266 00:10:58,274 --> 00:10:59,385 It'll be the cooler 267 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,620 for every man 268 00:11:00,644 --> 00:11:04,284 who doesn't sparkle and shine. 269 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,961 You know it's a funny thing about Klink. 270 00:11:08,985 --> 00:11:10,362 He's nasty even when he's happy. 271 00:11:10,386 --> 00:11:11,864 Yeah, but he'll sleep tonight, sir. 272 00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,098 You bet he will. 273 00:11:13,122 --> 00:11:14,784 Let's break the bad news to Ferguson. 274 00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:17,041 Ja, and with dispatch! 275 00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:21,478 Ah. 276 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,316 Well... 277 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:27,785 what do you think of our Colonel Klink? 278 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:30,087 He looks like a dead fish. 279 00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,489 I was not asking you, Lottie. 280 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,625 I was asking your mother. 281 00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:35,927 Well, Gertrude? 282 00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:38,196 I don't know. 283 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:42,066 It seems to me I should be able to do better than a Colonel. 284 00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:44,468 If I would consider marriage at all, 285 00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,365 why not a lieutenant general? 286 00:11:46,389 --> 00:11:47,722 I will tell you why, Gertrude. 287 00:11:47,757 --> 00:11:49,824 In the first place, you are no spring chicken! 288 00:11:49,859 --> 00:11:51,037 Albert! 289 00:11:51,061 --> 00:11:53,127 In the second place, you are no great beauty. 290 00:11:53,162 --> 00:11:54,306 Albert! 291 00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:56,363 There are very few unmarried men around 292 00:11:56,399 --> 00:11:57,932 and quite a few widows. 293 00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,834 I am not a widow! 294 00:11:59,869 --> 00:12:03,955 My husband was reported missing in action. 295 00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:05,189 On the Russian front, 296 00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,002 "missing in action" makes you a widow 297 00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:08,626 beyond a shadow of a doubt. 298 00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:12,146 I haven't made up my mind about Colonel Klink. 299 00:12:12,181 --> 00:12:14,215 I have to know him better. 300 00:12:14,251 --> 00:12:16,951 I still say he looks like a dead fish. 301 00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,019 You'd better be nice to him. 302 00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:21,789 That dead fish might be your father. 303 00:12:23,192 --> 00:12:25,793 Ja. 304 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:34,268 And, Hogan, I suppose you know 305 00:12:34,304 --> 00:12:36,237 a good deal about, uh... 306 00:12:36,272 --> 00:12:38,673 I mean, you've had a lot of experience... 307 00:12:38,708 --> 00:12:40,542 What I mean to say is... 308 00:12:40,577 --> 00:12:42,988 You want to know if I'm a ladies' man. 309 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:44,712 That's it exactly. 310 00:12:44,748 --> 00:12:46,893 Well, I can take 'em or leave 'em alone. 311 00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:48,127 To be honest with you, 312 00:12:48,151 --> 00:12:50,095 I've taken more than I've left alone. 313 00:12:50,119 --> 00:12:51,653 That's what I thought. 314 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:56,257 Hogan, I want to ask some advice from you. 315 00:12:58,462 --> 00:12:59,961 All right. 316 00:13:03,333 --> 00:13:05,177 The most important thing to remember 317 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,679 when you're romancing a girl, 318 00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,314 especially in the early stages, 319 00:13:08,338 --> 00:13:10,282 is the billing and cooing, 320 00:13:10,306 --> 00:13:13,274 the tender things you whisper in her ear. 321 00:13:13,309 --> 00:13:15,142 What things? 322 00:13:15,178 --> 00:13:16,393 Lies. 323 00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:17,929 The bigger, the better. 324 00:13:19,182 --> 00:13:20,782 Colonel Hogan! 325 00:13:20,817 --> 00:13:23,918 Every girl likes to look up to the man that she loves. 326 00:13:23,954 --> 00:13:26,520 To respect, admire, idolize him. 327 00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:27,538 Let's face it. 328 00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,285 No man on his own record 329 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:30,719 can live up to that. 330 00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,760 So, he's got to make up another record, 331 00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:35,196 to appear ten feet tall to the girl he loves. 332 00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:36,630 It's the name of the game. 333 00:13:36,666 --> 00:13:37,798 Out of the question. 334 00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:40,869 Colonel Hogan, you Americans may make love that way, 335 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:43,604 but we Germans, well, we have a code of honor, 336 00:13:43,639 --> 00:13:45,439 especially with women. 337 00:13:45,475 --> 00:13:48,676 I will not lie. 338 00:13:48,712 --> 00:13:50,623 Colonel, any man that won't lie 339 00:13:50,647 --> 00:13:51,924 to the woman he loves 340 00:13:51,948 --> 00:13:53,693 doesn't deserve to have her. 341 00:13:55,018 --> 00:13:56,183 Come in. 342 00:13:56,219 --> 00:13:57,969 Mrs. Linkmyer! 343 00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,172 Where's the rest of you? 344 00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,774 I mean, your daughter? 345 00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:05,342 The general is showing her around the camp. 346 00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:08,012 I wanted to talk to you by myself. 347 00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:09,881 Oh, yes, of course, by all means. 348 00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:10,956 Well, I'll be going. 349 00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:12,016 Uh, no, no, Hogan, wait. 350 00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:14,051 You haven't finished your filing. 351 00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,352 Filing? 352 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:17,021 You know how I feel about filing. 353 00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:19,090 Oh, filing. Filing. 354 00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:21,692 Oh, Mrs. Linkmyer, please, sit down. 355 00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:27,298 I believe that the general talked to you 356 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,566 about a little matter. 357 00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:31,602 Yes, he did. He certainly did. 358 00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:33,437 With his very own mouth. 359 00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:37,153 So, naturally, there are certain questions 360 00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,155 I must ask you, do you understand? 361 00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:40,411 Oh, yes. 362 00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,745 If I were in your place, 363 00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,647 I would do exactly the same thing. 364 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,716 Please feel free to ask me anything. 365 00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,885 Do you drink or gamble? 366 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,220 Never! Isn't that right, Hogan? 367 00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:50,721 Oh, right, right, never. 368 00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:51,756 Good. 369 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,257 Now, who do you think 370 00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,927 should handle the money in the family, 371 00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:58,529 the husband or the wife? 372 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:01,098 Who? Who? 373 00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,734 Uh, the Commandant, 374 00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:04,980 as a soldier, feels that the wife 375 00:15:05,004 --> 00:15:05,970 should handle the money. 376 00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:06,971 He'll handle the war. 377 00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,617 I've heard him say that hundreds of times. 378 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:11,475 That's right. That is what I said. 379 00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,744 Very well expressed. 380 00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:15,579 I thought so myself. 381 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,983 Excuse me, Herr Kommandant. 382 00:15:19,018 --> 00:15:21,752 You told me to tell you as soon as they got here. 383 00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:22,987 They are here! 384 00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:26,373 The daughter and... the mother. 385 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,414 I know. 386 00:15:33,449 --> 00:15:35,016 Is there anything else... 387 00:15:35,051 --> 00:15:36,383 Schultz? 388 00:15:36,419 --> 00:15:38,920 No, Herr Kommandant. 389 00:15:38,955 --> 00:15:40,321 That's all. 390 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,925 Colonel Klink, we will talk more later. 391 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,259 Meanwhile, 392 00:15:45,295 --> 00:15:47,462 I think it's fair to tell you 393 00:15:47,497 --> 00:15:50,831 that my daughter does not like you. 394 00:15:52,068 --> 00:15:53,834 She doesn't like me? 395 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:57,171 I'm sure she will come around, but naturally, 396 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,273 there can be no question of a marriage 397 00:15:59,309 --> 00:16:00,608 without her approval. 398 00:16:00,643 --> 00:16:02,510 Naturally. 399 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:03,856 Now, shall we join the others? 400 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,080 By all means. 401 00:16:06,116 --> 00:16:07,281 She doesn't like me! 402 00:16:07,317 --> 00:16:08,483 Lottie does not like me. 403 00:16:08,518 --> 00:16:10,429 Commandant, just put yourself in my hands. 404 00:16:10,453 --> 00:16:11,730 I'll have you goose-stepping 405 00:16:11,754 --> 00:16:12,931 to "Here Comes the Bride" 406 00:16:12,955 --> 00:16:15,156 before you know it. 407 00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:17,458 Hmm. 408 00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:24,165 Herr Kommandant. 409 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,345 Colonel Hogan, this is hopeless. 410 00:16:26,369 --> 00:16:28,047 Why should a beautiful girl 411 00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:30,082 like Lottie love someone like me? 412 00:16:30,106 --> 00:16:32,240 It won't be someone like you she'll love. 413 00:16:32,275 --> 00:16:33,841 It'll be the image we create. 414 00:16:33,876 --> 00:16:37,123 I don't want her to fall in love with an image. 415 00:16:37,147 --> 00:16:40,626 I want her to fall in love with me, Colonel Klink. 416 00:16:40,650 --> 00:16:42,683 Well, that's doing it the hard way. 417 00:16:42,718 --> 00:16:44,685 Now, first thing, 418 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,088 I've prepared a list of sure-fire pitches, 419 00:16:47,123 --> 00:16:49,190 romantic pitches that work every time. 420 00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,758 Every time you get her alone, 421 00:16:50,793 --> 00:16:53,694 you just throw one of these pitches at her. 422 00:16:53,729 --> 00:16:56,130 "I am only a simple soldier, Lottie, 423 00:16:56,166 --> 00:16:58,466 "and all I can offer you is the simple heart 424 00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:00,468 of a simple soldier." 425 00:17:00,503 --> 00:17:03,637 You think she'll like that? 426 00:17:03,673 --> 00:17:05,673 It's beautiful! 427 00:17:07,677 --> 00:17:08,809 Here's another one. 428 00:17:08,844 --> 00:17:10,111 Never misses. 429 00:17:10,146 --> 00:17:12,280 You'll love it. 430 00:17:12,315 --> 00:17:14,014 "Until I met you, Lottie, 431 00:17:14,050 --> 00:17:17,585 "I never really saw a sunset or heard a bird sing. 432 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,587 "You're my first thought in the morning, 433 00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:21,589 "and my last thought at night. 434 00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,591 "If a sniper's bullet should take me, 435 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:27,361 you would be my last thought in life." 436 00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:34,034 Oh. 437 00:17:34,070 --> 00:17:35,736 These really work? 438 00:17:35,771 --> 00:17:37,238 You see what it's doing to Schultz. 439 00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:39,240 You should see how it works on girls. 440 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:41,576 Let me see. 441 00:17:45,047 --> 00:17:48,583 Come in. 442 00:17:48,618 --> 00:17:50,151 Colonel Hogan. 443 00:17:50,186 --> 00:17:51,697 Colonel, how's the romance going 444 00:17:51,721 --> 00:17:52,686 with the fair Lottie? 445 00:17:52,722 --> 00:17:54,555 It's not going anyplace. 446 00:17:54,591 --> 00:17:56,124 Why not? 447 00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:58,237 Aren't you using those sure-fire lines I gave you? 448 00:17:58,261 --> 00:17:59,427 How can I use them? 449 00:17:59,462 --> 00:18:00,728 I'm never alone with Lottie. 450 00:18:00,763 --> 00:18:03,030 The mother is always there. 451 00:18:03,065 --> 00:18:04,832 Oh, I'm alone with the mother a lot, 452 00:18:04,867 --> 00:18:06,900 but never with Lottie without the mother. 453 00:18:06,936 --> 00:18:09,137 You got a problem. 454 00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:11,572 Yeah, this calls for higher-echelon thinking. 455 00:18:13,476 --> 00:18:15,754 Soft lights, romantic music 456 00:18:15,778 --> 00:18:17,745 and a French dinner. 457 00:18:17,780 --> 00:18:19,747 And where are you going to get all this? 458 00:18:19,782 --> 00:18:20,926 Leave that to me. 459 00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:23,496 We've got to write a dinner invitation to Lottie. 460 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:24,730 I'll dictate it. 461 00:18:24,754 --> 00:18:26,887 All right, all right. 462 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,428 "My darling girl, 463 00:18:34,464 --> 00:18:36,047 "I want very much to see you. 464 00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:38,282 "Please come to my place for dinner. 465 00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:40,584 "My lips tremble 466 00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:43,254 "with the question I must ask you 467 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:46,057 "and ask you alone. 468 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,259 Please say you will come." 469 00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,861 Sign that, "Your devoted slave." 470 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:53,630 Colonel Hogan, 471 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,700 do you really talk to girls like this? 472 00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:57,601 Sure. 473 00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,869 And you get results? 474 00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:00,037 Every time. 475 00:19:00,073 --> 00:19:02,839 I just don't understand it. 476 00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:07,644 Miss Linkmyer, I have a letter from Colonel Klink. 477 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,823 I will take it. 478 00:19:08,847 --> 00:19:10,526 Yeah, uh, Baron von Klink wanted me 479 00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:11,590 to deliver it to you. 480 00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:12,761 Baron von Klink? 481 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,085 Klink is a baron? 482 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,165 Son of a gun, I wasn't supposed to mention it. 483 00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:18,167 The Colonel is a baron? 484 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,657 Well, yeah, but during wartime he doesn't want to be known 485 00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,104 as an aristocrat, just a soldier. 486 00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,428 What a wonderful attitude. 487 00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,241 Yeah, well, that's the kind of man he is. 488 00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:28,377 I mean, he never even mentions his decorations, 489 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:29,844 like the, uh, uh, the Iron Cross, 490 00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,935 or the Imperial Legion of Merit, 491 00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,837 or the Victoria Cross. 492 00:19:33,872 --> 00:19:35,439 The Victoria Cross? Mm-hmm. 493 00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:37,908 But is not that a British decoration? 494 00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:41,044 Well, yeah, but even the British admire a brave man. 495 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,615 And to think that I said he looked like a dead fish. 496 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:46,850 Yeah, well, I wouldn't mention it to him 497 00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:48,085 or anyone else. 498 00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:49,720 Oh, no, I won't. 499 00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,388 But can I tell my mother? 500 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:54,091 No, especially your mother, no. 501 00:19:54,127 --> 00:19:55,559 I understand. 502 00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,261 If she is going to marry him, 503 00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,873 it should be for what he is, 504 00:19:58,897 --> 00:20:00,998 not what he was. 505 00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:07,771 She's gonna marry him? 506 00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:09,140 Your mama? 507 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:10,986 Well, it is not definite yet, 508 00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:13,489 but, uh, my uncle, General Burkhalter, 509 00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:16,614 says that the Colonel is anxious to marry Mama, 510 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,450 and now, I approve, too. 511 00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:21,452 Oh, boy. 512 00:20:21,487 --> 00:20:23,053 Miss Linkmyer, I think 513 00:20:23,088 --> 00:20:24,233 I've made a mistake. 514 00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,400 Can I have that note back? 515 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:26,923 Oh, no mistake. 516 00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:29,593 The Colonel has invited Mama for dinner. 517 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,896 What a nice surprise for Mama. 518 00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:35,599 What a nice surprise for Colonel Klink. 519 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,774 Schultz, have another bottle of champagne ready. 520 00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:45,576 Jawohl, Herr Baron. 521 00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:47,844 I mean, Herr Kommandant. 522 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,448 Hogan, you have done a very good job. 523 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:53,629 Everything looks absolutely splendid. 524 00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:54,985 Thanks, sir. 525 00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:56,931 The only thing is, it isn't really necessary. 526 00:20:58,123 --> 00:20:59,535 General Burkhalter has assured me 527 00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:01,799 that the lady returns my affection, 528 00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,794 and you have gone 529 00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:05,374 through a lot of trouble for nothing. 530 00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:07,142 Not that I don't appreciate it, mind you. 531 00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:11,497 Colonel, 532 00:21:11,521 --> 00:21:12,964 why don't you tell him the truth? 533 00:21:12,988 --> 00:21:14,121 I can't. 534 00:21:14,156 --> 00:21:15,389 It would be too painful. 535 00:21:15,425 --> 00:21:17,858 Besides, he's going to find out anyway. 536 00:21:17,893 --> 00:21:21,362 Yeah, I never thought I'd feel sorry for Klink. 537 00:21:23,399 --> 00:21:25,194 Never mind, never mind, I'll get it. 538 00:21:25,218 --> 00:21:27,017 It's Lottie, my darling Lottie. 539 00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:29,353 Don't get your hopes too high. 540 00:21:29,388 --> 00:21:30,782 It might be someone else. 541 00:21:30,806 --> 00:21:31,817 Who else could it be? 542 00:21:32,842 --> 00:21:34,122 Who else, indeed. 543 00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:38,195 Come in, my darling, come in... 544 00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,701 Mrs. Linkmyer! 545 00:21:43,736 --> 00:21:45,803 Come, come, Wilhelm. 546 00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:47,905 You must call me Gertrude. 547 00:21:47,940 --> 00:21:49,239 I must? 548 00:21:49,274 --> 00:21:50,841 Of course. 549 00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:53,611 A husband and wife can't be so formal. 550 00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,779 Even though you have not asked me the question 551 00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:58,181 that is trembling on your lips. 552 00:21:58,217 --> 00:22:00,317 Husband? Wife? 553 00:22:00,352 --> 00:22:03,687 I must say, I was very angry 554 00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:06,690 at first, when the General told me 555 00:22:06,726 --> 00:22:08,726 about his matchmaking, 556 00:22:08,761 --> 00:22:12,496 but once I got to know you, Wilhelm... 557 00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:16,600 Hogan? 558 00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:18,413 I'm helping Schultz chill the champagne. 559 00:22:18,437 --> 00:22:19,437 Me, too. 560 00:22:20,789 --> 00:22:23,190 What a lovely place 561 00:22:23,226 --> 00:22:26,227 you have here, Wilhelm. 562 00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:28,673 I think I will make only a few changes. 563 00:22:28,697 --> 00:22:30,775 The drapes will go first, 564 00:22:30,799 --> 00:22:33,867 and then-then we could get new furniture. 565 00:22:33,903 --> 00:22:36,215 Oh, just think, Wilhelm... 566 00:22:36,239 --> 00:22:38,639 Our own little love nest. 567 00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,369 Oh, I know you two want to be alone. 568 00:22:41,393 --> 00:22:42,938 Come on, fellows. KLINK: Hogan! 569 00:22:42,962 --> 00:22:45,763 Schultz, set another place. 570 00:22:50,053 --> 00:22:53,053 You would have liked my husband Otto very much. 571 00:22:53,089 --> 00:22:54,455 Mind you, not that 572 00:22:54,490 --> 00:22:57,191 he didn't have some very bad habits, 573 00:22:57,226 --> 00:23:01,395 but I shouldn't say anything against him. 574 00:23:01,430 --> 00:23:05,099 He was lost in the Russian Front, you know. 575 00:23:05,134 --> 00:23:06,766 Maybe you knew him. 576 00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:09,086 Was he the one they called Lucky Otto? 577 00:23:09,121 --> 00:23:11,555 I don't remember anyone ever calling him that. 578 00:23:11,590 --> 00:23:14,491 Maybe it was some other Lucky Otto. 579 00:23:14,526 --> 00:23:16,404 Wilhelm, 580 00:23:16,428 --> 00:23:19,629 what do you think of a spring wedding? 581 00:23:19,665 --> 00:23:21,899 Not much. 582 00:23:21,934 --> 00:23:23,111 If you don't mind me saying so, 583 00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:25,375 I think you should get married right away, like tomorrow. 584 00:23:26,839 --> 00:23:28,317 Hogan, I'm going to have you shot, 585 00:23:28,341 --> 00:23:30,618 and no court-martial in the world would convict me. 586 00:23:30,642 --> 00:23:31,808 Tomorrow? 587 00:23:31,844 --> 00:23:33,105 Why so soon? 588 00:23:33,129 --> 00:23:35,073 Well, I figure it'd give you a chance 589 00:23:35,097 --> 00:23:36,497 to get to know each other, 590 00:23:36,532 --> 00:23:38,492 enjoy a few golden moments before... 591 00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:41,251 Before what? 592 00:23:41,286 --> 00:23:43,921 Colonel, do you think it's fair to keep it secret? 593 00:23:43,956 --> 00:23:45,155 Why don't you tell her? 594 00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:46,323 Tell her what? 595 00:23:46,358 --> 00:23:48,325 You naughty boy! 596 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:52,162 Are you keeping secrets from me already? 597 00:23:53,198 --> 00:23:55,098 Now, what is it? 598 00:23:55,134 --> 00:23:56,578 I'm going to tell her if you don't. 599 00:23:56,602 --> 00:23:58,213 The Colonel has volunteered for service 600 00:23:58,237 --> 00:23:59,882 at the Russian Front, leaves next week. 601 00:23:59,906 --> 00:24:01,639 What? 602 00:24:01,674 --> 00:24:05,743 Why does everybody I know volunteer for the Russian front? 603 00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:08,512 What is the big attraction there? 604 00:24:08,548 --> 00:24:09,513 I don't know. 605 00:24:09,549 --> 00:24:10,659 I'm sure there's something. 606 00:24:10,683 --> 00:24:15,185 Well, I will tell you one thing, Colonel Klink. 607 00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:18,689 I am not going to be a widow again. 608 00:24:18,724 --> 00:24:21,892 The engagement is off, and that is final! 609 00:24:21,928 --> 00:24:23,071 That's it. 610 00:24:23,095 --> 00:24:24,273 I would not do it. 611 00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:25,440 It's ridiculous! 612 00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:26,641 My God, it's crazy. 613 00:24:28,901 --> 00:24:31,535 Hogan, you have just done me a great favor. 614 00:24:31,570 --> 00:24:33,537 I would like to do something for you. 615 00:24:33,572 --> 00:24:35,884 All I can ask is, you get a good night's sleep. 616 00:24:35,908 --> 00:24:40,677 I am going to sleep like a baby. 617 00:24:41,747 --> 00:24:44,187 That's all I wanted to hear. 39165

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