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1
00:00:03,904 --> 00:00:07,672
CBS presents this
program in color.
2
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,502
All right.
3
00:01:10,537 --> 00:01:16,508
The lights go out in
exactly 23 seconds.
4
00:01:16,543 --> 00:01:19,077
Schultz, you woke
me up to tell me that?
5
00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:20,290
Buzz off!
6
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:22,480
18 seconds more.
7
00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:23,716
Turn out the light, Schultz.
8
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:24,760
I need the extra sleep.
9
00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:25,784
Impossible.
10
00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:29,154
According to camp regulations,
11
00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:31,422
the lights have
to be out in, uh...
12
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:34,326
ten seconds, nine, eight...
13
00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:36,561
Seven, six, five...
14
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:40,832
four, three, two, one.
15
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,078
Zero!
16
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:44,543
Get those lights out, come on!
17
00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:45,849
The Commandant can see all this
18
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,650
from the window,
you know, Schultz.
19
00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,307
The Commandant!
20
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:50,541
Commandant.
21
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:56,447
Where... Where is my rifle?!
22
00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:57,626
I don't know.
23
00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:59,017
What do you mean you don't know?
24
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,185
Where is my rifle?
25
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,053
Trifle? No! Rifle!
26
00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:05,623
Rifle, where is my rifle?
27
00:02:05,658 --> 00:02:06,958
Who stole my ri...?
28
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:10,128
Ah, here is my rifle.
29
00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,141
Why do you have
to have my rifle?
30
00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,899
I don't have a teddy bear.
31
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,144
Oh, that's sad,
32
00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:16,445
but give me back the rifle.
33
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,869
Shh! Shh!
34
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,048
Quiet!
35
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:21,172
Shh. Shh.
36
00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,986
Everybody, sound asleep.
37
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:24,175
Back to bed.
38
00:02:24,211 --> 00:02:26,878
Everybody sound asleep.
39
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,080
Shh!
40
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:30,282
Shh.
41
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:31,416
Schultz?
42
00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:34,136
Can I have a drink of water?
43
00:02:34,171 --> 00:02:35,637
No! Quiet!
44
00:02:35,673 --> 00:02:37,673
Everybody back to bed!
45
00:02:45,182 --> 00:02:47,215
All right, come on.
46
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,718
Okay, Ferguson, let's go.
47
00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:58,321
The underground's waiting
for those maps, come on!
48
00:02:58,345 --> 00:02:59,755
Gosh, I hate to leave here.
49
00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:01,346
The last four days
have been the best
50
00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:02,547
I ever spent in the army.
51
00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:04,560
Nothing too good for
a guest who's going
52
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:06,195
on a dangerous mission, Captain.
53
00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:07,596
All right, now, look,
54
00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,265
Carter will get you
to the meeting place
55
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:10,533
with the underground.
56
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:12,368
They'll see that you
get back to England
57
00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:13,636
with the installation maps.
58
00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:14,859
Okay, Colonel.
59
00:03:20,584 --> 00:03:21,849
All clear, Kinch?
60
00:03:21,885 --> 00:03:24,152
Uh-huh, so far.
61
00:03:25,589 --> 00:03:27,589
Uh-oh! What's the matter?
62
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,869
Our beloved Commandant
is on the prowl.
63
00:03:29,893 --> 00:03:31,893
Can't be, should
be asleep by now.
64
00:03:31,929 --> 00:03:33,945
Here, hold this.
65
00:03:35,915 --> 00:03:37,382
Yeah, it is Klink!
66
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,713
And he's heading
right for the barracks.
67
00:03:39,737 --> 00:03:40,969
Down periscope!
68
00:03:41,004 --> 00:03:42,637
Everybody back to
bed! Let's go, come on!
69
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,289
By the way, Ferguson,
if you want anything,
70
00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,490
just ring for room service.
71
00:03:51,514 --> 00:03:53,581
Thanks, Colonel.
72
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:13,251
Hey, what's going on here?
73
00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:15,053
All right, who
turned on the lights?
74
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,521
You guys know the rules.
75
00:04:16,556 --> 00:04:17,700
We didn't do...
76
00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:19,991
Oh, Commandant, what a pleasure.
77
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,192
I couldn't sleep.
78
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:22,438
I want to talk to you, Hogan.
79
00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:23,995
Oh, sure, uh, uh,
uh, uh, I'll, uh...
80
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,242
I'll drop by your office
first thing in the morning,
81
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,510
say, around 11:30ish.
82
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,534
I want to talk to you now alone.
83
00:04:29,569 --> 00:04:32,009
Uh, why don't you
step into my office?
84
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,807
Light, sir.
85
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,622
Well, Colonel,
86
00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:41,190
what's up at this
hour of the night?
87
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,358
I mean, besides you?
88
00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:44,082
Do you mind if we
have some light, Hogan?
89
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,117
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
90
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,398
Sit down.
91
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:49,720
Thank you.
92
00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:50,988
Hogan, uh,
93
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,458
this is a painful
matter to discuss,
94
00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:56,094
but it's no secret, I know.
95
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,728
You do?
96
00:04:57,764 --> 00:05:00,065
What do you know?
97
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,332
That I'm a failure.
98
00:05:01,368 --> 00:05:02,833
Is that all?
99
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:05,537
Is that all?
100
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:08,005
Do you think it's easy
for a man to face the fact
101
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,074
that he's been a
failure all his life?
102
00:05:10,109 --> 00:05:12,349
No, but you've had a
long time to get used to it.
103
00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:15,391
Why are you telling
me about this?
104
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,059
Because even though
you're a prisoner,
105
00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:19,484
you're the only man of
equal rank here at this camp.
106
00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:20,663
Thank you.
107
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:22,854
And also, if you repeat
this conversation,
108
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:24,889
as a prisoner, I
can have you shot.
109
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:27,269
Under those circumstances,
you can depend on me, sir.
110
00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:29,026
Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
111
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:32,782
Mm-hmm. Uh, what makes
you think you're a failure?
112
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,500
Do you realize
113
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,869
that I have been a colonel
longer than any man
114
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,871
in my graduating class?
115
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:43,240
The rest are all
generals, field marshals...
116
00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:45,593
To say nothing of Hitler,
who was a corporal.
117
00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:47,729
His next promotion
was head of the army.
118
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:50,065
I am not complaining
about that promotion.
119
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:52,650
General Burkhalter called today.
120
00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:55,803
He is coming here to talk to
me about my future, he said.
121
00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:57,305
Do you realize what that means?
122
00:05:57,341 --> 00:06:00,308
It means a transfer
to the Russian front.
123
00:06:00,344 --> 00:06:02,510
Fine, get a chance to be a hero!
124
00:06:02,545 --> 00:06:05,997
I'd rather be a live
failure than a dead hero.
125
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:07,532
Then you've got your wish.
126
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:08,866
You're a live failure.
127
00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:12,871
Sorry.
128
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,006
How much longer you going
129
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,151
to keep Captain Ferguson
130
00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:17,319
down in that tunnel, sir?
131
00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:18,476
We can't get him away
132
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,277
while Klink prowls
the grounds all night.
133
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:21,691
Yeah, and with
Klink on the prowl,
134
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:22,925
the guards are on the alert.
135
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:24,181
What I want to know is,
136
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,862
how much longer is
Klink going to prowl?
137
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,719
As long as Klink is
unhappy and can't sleep.
138
00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:29,487
We got to figure a
way to make him happy.
139
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,166
General Burkhalter,
I cannot tell you
140
00:06:31,190 --> 00:06:34,492
what a pleasure it always is
to have you drop in for a visit.
141
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,506
Sit down, Klink.
142
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:38,808
You are making me nervous.
143
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,098
Oh, I wouldn't do
that for the world.
144
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:42,867
Not to you, General,
never, never.
145
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,179
Stop talking.
146
00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:46,763
That makes me nervous, too.
147
00:06:48,258 --> 00:06:51,559
I've been giving a great
deal of thought to you, Klink,
148
00:06:51,594 --> 00:06:54,462
and I must say, I
strongly disapprove of you.
149
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:58,099
Do you know what
I disapprove of?
150
00:06:58,135 --> 00:06:59,645
The way you are living.
151
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:01,580
A man like you
shouldn't live alone.
152
00:07:01,604 --> 00:07:03,571
It's not good to live alone.
153
00:07:03,606 --> 00:07:05,646
All right, Herr
General, I'll get a dog.
154
00:07:07,244 --> 00:07:08,743
I wasn't talking about a dog.
155
00:07:08,778 --> 00:07:10,745
I was talking about a wife.
156
00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:12,713
All right, I'll get a...
157
00:07:12,749 --> 00:07:13,881
Wife?
158
00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:15,883
Naturally, I cannot order you
159
00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:18,053
to do something
about your personal life.
160
00:07:18,088 --> 00:07:19,832
No, no, no, no, please,
please, go ahead.
161
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,156
Order, order.
162
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,441
Marrying into the
right kind of family
163
00:07:23,476 --> 00:07:25,443
can do a lot for a man's career.
164
00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:27,178
You're absolutely
right, Herr General.
165
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,513
It can do everything.
166
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:31,115
Do you remember Captain Haldman?
167
00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:32,183
Haldman?
168
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,351
Oh, yes.
169
00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:34,652
He was in my graduating class.
170
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,221
The class idiot,
we used to call him.
171
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:40,258
The idiot has just
been made general.
172
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,860
He married Field
Marshal Keitel's niece.
173
00:07:42,895 --> 00:07:44,429
Is that so?
174
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,531
Oh, well, of course
when I used the word idiot,
175
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,099
I was merely using
a figure of speech.
176
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,254
What I meant to say
was... He is an idiot!
177
00:07:51,504 --> 00:07:53,037
But it just shows you
178
00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:55,806
what making the right kind of
marriage can do for someone.
179
00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:57,808
That's all I have to say.
180
00:07:57,844 --> 00:07:59,810
General Burkhalter,
I want to thank you
181
00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,379
for bringing this
to my attention.
182
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,481
Not at all.
183
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,252
Oh, by the way...
184
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,453
Yes, sir?
185
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,632
My sister and niece
186
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,234
will be visiting with me.
187
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:12,968
I'd like you to meet them.
188
00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,459
Naturally, Herr General.
189
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,194
I would be delighted to
meet your sister and niece.
190
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:22,667
Delighted.
191
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:27,950
We got to get
Ferguson off pretty soon.
192
00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:29,184
The underground says
193
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:30,919
they can only wait
two or three more days.
194
00:08:30,943 --> 00:08:32,076
Well, we can't do a thing
195
00:08:32,111 --> 00:08:33,478
while Klink roams
around at night
196
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,513
and the guards have
to be on their toes.
197
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,848
See you later.
198
00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:39,751
Oh, Ferguson wants
some Worcestershire sauce
199
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,654
for his cheeseburgers.
200
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,390
Woostershire.
201
00:08:47,594 --> 00:08:48,804
Hi, Colonel.
202
00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,628
General Burkhalter
just left here.
203
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,074
Oh. The Russian front?
204
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,064
Worse, much worse.
205
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,434
He wants me to marry his niece.
206
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,713
That's bad?
207
00:08:57,737 --> 00:08:59,904
Did you hear what I said?
208
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:01,539
Burkhalter's niece.
209
00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:02,818
Did you ever stop to think
210
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:04,219
she might be a beauty?
211
00:09:04,243 --> 00:09:06,210
Ha! It's more likely she
looks like Burkhalter.
212
00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:07,345
Oh.
213
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,113
And if she isn't
something awful,
214
00:09:09,148 --> 00:09:12,116
why would Burkhalter practically
blackmail me into marrying her?
215
00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:13,818
She's got to be a monster.
216
00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:15,230
Uh, don't do
anything hasty, sir.
217
00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:16,865
Why don't you get
a good night's sleep?
218
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:18,734
Things will look
differently in the morning.
219
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:19,990
Sleep?
220
00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:21,292
I won't close my eyes
221
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,627
all night long.
222
00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:25,095
I was afraid of that.
223
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,999
What did Captain Ferguson
order for breakfast today?
224
00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:31,602
Waffles and sausages,
and a cheese omelet,
225
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:34,138
and potato pancakes
with applesauce.
226
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,419
Oh, boy, that Ferguson
is living the life of Riley.
227
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:37,620
That's right.
228
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:39,644
That bloke Riley must
have some appetite.
229
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:41,357
Yeah, and the war's
going to be over
230
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,058
before we get
Ferguson out of here.
231
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,582
There's nothing we can do.
232
00:09:44,617 --> 00:09:46,784
Our unhappy Commandant
was prowling the grounds
233
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,419
again last night.
234
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:50,199
Uh-oh.
235
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:52,289
Looks like we got company.
236
00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:00,109
Good morning,
General Burkhalter.
237
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,100
Good morning.
238
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,469
Colonel Klink, this
is my niece Lottie.
239
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:06,704
How do you do?
240
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,840
And this is my
241
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:11,175
sister, Mrs. Linkmyer.
242
00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:12,210
How do you do?
243
00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:15,179
How do you do?
244
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,193
Your quarters are ready
245
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:18,660
right next to the General
246
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:19,862
in the VIP section.
247
00:10:19,886 --> 00:10:21,731
That is very kind
of you, Colonel.
248
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:24,222
I hope we don't put
you to too much trouble.
249
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:25,389
No trouble at all.
250
00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:26,390
May I show you
251
00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:27,620
around the camp?
252
00:10:27,644 --> 00:10:29,611
The ladies just arrived, Klink.
253
00:10:29,646 --> 00:10:31,912
I'm sure they would
like to freshen up.
254
00:10:31,948 --> 00:10:33,948
You can show them around later.
255
00:10:33,983 --> 00:10:35,783
Oh, I understand, sir.
256
00:10:35,819 --> 00:10:37,451
Till we meet again.
257
00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:45,459
Well, Colonel, I must say
258
00:10:45,495 --> 00:10:47,006
the niece doesn't look a bit
259
00:10:47,030 --> 00:10:48,162
like Burkhalter.
260
00:10:48,197 --> 00:10:49,564
She is a goddess!
261
00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:50,798
Mm-hmm.
262
00:10:50,834 --> 00:10:52,011
And don't use her name
263
00:10:52,035 --> 00:10:54,079
in the same breath with his!
264
00:10:54,103 --> 00:10:56,237
Oh, I'm sorry.
265
00:10:56,272 --> 00:10:58,250
Get those men cleaned up.
266
00:10:58,274 --> 00:10:59,385
It'll be the cooler
267
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,620
for every man
268
00:11:00,644 --> 00:11:04,284
who doesn't sparkle and shine.
269
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,961
You know it's a funny
thing about Klink.
270
00:11:08,985 --> 00:11:10,362
He's nasty even when he's happy.
271
00:11:10,386 --> 00:11:11,864
Yeah, but he'll
sleep tonight, sir.
272
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,098
You bet he will.
273
00:11:13,122 --> 00:11:14,784
Let's break the bad
news to Ferguson.
274
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:17,041
Ja, and with dispatch!
275
00:11:19,445 --> 00:11:21,478
Ah.
276
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,316
Well...
277
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:27,785
what do you think
of our Colonel Klink?
278
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:30,087
He looks like a dead fish.
279
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,489
I was not asking you, Lottie.
280
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,625
I was asking your mother.
281
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:35,927
Well, Gertrude?
282
00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:38,196
I don't know.
283
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:42,066
It seems to me I should be
able to do better than a Colonel.
284
00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:44,468
If I would consider
marriage at all,
285
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,365
why not a lieutenant general?
286
00:11:46,389 --> 00:11:47,722
I will tell you why, Gertrude.
287
00:11:47,757 --> 00:11:49,824
In the first place, you
are no spring chicken!
288
00:11:49,859 --> 00:11:51,037
Albert!
289
00:11:51,061 --> 00:11:53,127
In the second place,
you are no great beauty.
290
00:11:53,162 --> 00:11:54,306
Albert!
291
00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:56,363
There are very few
unmarried men around
292
00:11:56,399 --> 00:11:57,932
and quite a few widows.
293
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,834
I am not a widow!
294
00:11:59,869 --> 00:12:03,955
My husband was
reported missing in action.
295
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:05,189
On the Russian front,
296
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,002
"missing in action"
makes you a widow
297
00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:08,626
beyond a shadow of a doubt.
298
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:12,146
I haven't made up my
mind about Colonel Klink.
299
00:12:12,181 --> 00:12:14,215
I have to know him better.
300
00:12:14,251 --> 00:12:16,951
I still say he looks
like a dead fish.
301
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,019
You'd better be nice to him.
302
00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:21,789
That dead fish
might be your father.
303
00:12:23,192 --> 00:12:25,793
Ja.
304
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:34,268
And, Hogan, I suppose you know
305
00:12:34,304 --> 00:12:36,237
a good deal about, uh...
306
00:12:36,272 --> 00:12:38,673
I mean, you've had
a lot of experience...
307
00:12:38,708 --> 00:12:40,542
What I mean to say is...
308
00:12:40,577 --> 00:12:42,988
You want to know
if I'm a ladies' man.
309
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:44,712
That's it exactly.
310
00:12:44,748 --> 00:12:46,893
Well, I can take 'em
or leave 'em alone.
311
00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:48,127
To be honest with you,
312
00:12:48,151 --> 00:12:50,095
I've taken more
than I've left alone.
313
00:12:50,119 --> 00:12:51,653
That's what I thought.
314
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:56,257
Hogan, I want to ask
some advice from you.
315
00:12:58,462 --> 00:12:59,961
All right.
316
00:13:03,333 --> 00:13:05,177
The most important
thing to remember
317
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,679
when you're romancing a girl,
318
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,314
especially in the early stages,
319
00:13:08,338 --> 00:13:10,282
is the billing and cooing,
320
00:13:10,306 --> 00:13:13,274
the tender things
you whisper in her ear.
321
00:13:13,309 --> 00:13:15,142
What things?
322
00:13:15,178 --> 00:13:16,393
Lies.
323
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:17,929
The bigger, the better.
324
00:13:19,182 --> 00:13:20,782
Colonel Hogan!
325
00:13:20,817 --> 00:13:23,918
Every girl likes to look up
to the man that she loves.
326
00:13:23,954 --> 00:13:26,520
To respect, admire, idolize him.
327
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:27,538
Let's face it.
328
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,285
No man on his own record
329
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:30,719
can live up to that.
330
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,760
So, he's got to make
up another record,
331
00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:35,196
to appear ten feet
tall to the girl he loves.
332
00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:36,630
It's the name of the game.
333
00:13:36,666 --> 00:13:37,798
Out of the question.
334
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:40,869
Colonel Hogan, you Americans
may make love that way,
335
00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:43,604
but we Germans, well,
we have a code of honor,
336
00:13:43,639 --> 00:13:45,439
especially with women.
337
00:13:45,475 --> 00:13:48,676
I will not lie.
338
00:13:48,712 --> 00:13:50,623
Colonel, any man that won't lie
339
00:13:50,647 --> 00:13:51,924
to the woman he loves
340
00:13:51,948 --> 00:13:53,693
doesn't deserve to have her.
341
00:13:55,018 --> 00:13:56,183
Come in.
342
00:13:56,219 --> 00:13:57,969
Mrs. Linkmyer!
343
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,172
Where's the rest of you?
344
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,774
I mean, your daughter?
345
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:05,342
The general is showing
her around the camp.
346
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:08,012
I wanted to talk
to you by myself.
347
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:09,881
Oh, yes, of course,
by all means.
348
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:10,956
Well, I'll be going.
349
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:12,016
Uh, no, no, Hogan, wait.
350
00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:14,051
You haven't
finished your filing.
351
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,352
Filing?
352
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:17,021
You know how I
feel about filing.
353
00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:19,090
Oh, filing. Filing.
354
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:21,692
Oh, Mrs. Linkmyer,
please, sit down.
355
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:27,298
I believe that the
general talked to you
356
00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,566
about a little matter.
357
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:31,602
Yes, he did. He certainly did.
358
00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:33,437
With his very own mouth.
359
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:37,153
So, naturally, there
are certain questions
360
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:39,155
I must ask you,
do you understand?
361
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:40,411
Oh, yes.
362
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,745
If I were in your place,
363
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,647
I would do exactly
the same thing.
364
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,716
Please feel free
to ask me anything.
365
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,885
Do you drink or gamble?
366
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,220
Never! Isn't that right, Hogan?
367
00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:50,721
Oh, right, right, never.
368
00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:51,756
Good.
369
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,257
Now, who do you think
370
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,927
should handle the
money in the family,
371
00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:58,529
the husband or the wife?
372
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:01,098
Who? Who?
373
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,734
Uh, the Commandant,
374
00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:04,980
as a soldier,
feels that the wife
375
00:15:05,004 --> 00:15:05,970
should handle the money.
376
00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:06,971
He'll handle the war.
377
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,617
I've heard him say
that hundreds of times.
378
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:11,475
That's right. That
is what I said.
379
00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,744
Very well expressed.
380
00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:15,579
I thought so myself.
381
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,983
Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.
382
00:15:19,018 --> 00:15:21,752
You told me to tell you
as soon as they got here.
383
00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:22,987
They are here!
384
00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:26,373
The daughter and... the mother.
385
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,414
I know.
386
00:15:33,449 --> 00:15:35,016
Is there anything else...
387
00:15:35,051 --> 00:15:36,383
Schultz?
388
00:15:36,419 --> 00:15:38,920
No, Herr Kommandant.
389
00:15:38,955 --> 00:15:40,321
That's all.
390
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,925
Colonel Klink, we
will talk more later.
391
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,259
Meanwhile,
392
00:15:45,295 --> 00:15:47,462
I think it's fair to tell you
393
00:15:47,497 --> 00:15:50,831
that my daughter
does not like you.
394
00:15:52,068 --> 00:15:53,834
She doesn't like me?
395
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:57,171
I'm sure she will come
around, but naturally,
396
00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,273
there can be no
question of a marriage
397
00:15:59,309 --> 00:16:00,608
without her approval.
398
00:16:00,643 --> 00:16:02,510
Naturally.
399
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:03,856
Now, shall we join the others?
400
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,080
By all means.
401
00:16:06,116 --> 00:16:07,281
She doesn't like me!
402
00:16:07,317 --> 00:16:08,483
Lottie does not like me.
403
00:16:08,518 --> 00:16:10,429
Commandant, just put
yourself in my hands.
404
00:16:10,453 --> 00:16:11,730
I'll have you goose-stepping
405
00:16:11,754 --> 00:16:12,931
to "Here Comes the Bride"
406
00:16:12,955 --> 00:16:15,156
before you know it.
407
00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:17,458
Hmm.
408
00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:24,165
Herr Kommandant.
409
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,345
Colonel Hogan, this is hopeless.
410
00:16:26,369 --> 00:16:28,047
Why should a beautiful girl
411
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:30,082
like Lottie love
someone like me?
412
00:16:30,106 --> 00:16:32,240
It won't be someone
like you she'll love.
413
00:16:32,275 --> 00:16:33,841
It'll be the image we create.
414
00:16:33,876 --> 00:16:37,123
I don't want her to fall
in love with an image.
415
00:16:37,147 --> 00:16:40,626
I want her to fall in love
with me, Colonel Klink.
416
00:16:40,650 --> 00:16:42,683
Well, that's doing
it the hard way.
417
00:16:42,718 --> 00:16:44,685
Now, first thing,
418
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,088
I've prepared a list
of sure-fire pitches,
419
00:16:47,123 --> 00:16:49,190
romantic pitches
that work every time.
420
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,758
Every time you get her alone,
421
00:16:50,793 --> 00:16:53,694
you just throw one
of these pitches at her.
422
00:16:53,729 --> 00:16:56,130
"I am only a simple
soldier, Lottie,
423
00:16:56,166 --> 00:16:58,466
"and all I can offer
you is the simple heart
424
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:00,468
of a simple soldier."
425
00:17:00,503 --> 00:17:03,637
You think she'll like that?
426
00:17:03,673 --> 00:17:05,673
It's beautiful!
427
00:17:07,677 --> 00:17:08,809
Here's another one.
428
00:17:08,844 --> 00:17:10,111
Never misses.
429
00:17:10,146 --> 00:17:12,280
You'll love it.
430
00:17:12,315 --> 00:17:14,014
"Until I met you, Lottie,
431
00:17:14,050 --> 00:17:17,585
"I never really saw a
sunset or heard a bird sing.
432
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,587
"You're my first
thought in the morning,
433
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:21,589
"and my last thought at night.
434
00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,591
"If a sniper's bullet
should take me,
435
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:27,361
you would be my
last thought in life."
436
00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:34,034
Oh.
437
00:17:34,070 --> 00:17:35,736
These really work?
438
00:17:35,771 --> 00:17:37,238
You see what it's
doing to Schultz.
439
00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:39,240
You should see
how it works on girls.
440
00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:41,576
Let me see.
441
00:17:45,047 --> 00:17:48,583
Come in.
442
00:17:48,618 --> 00:17:50,151
Colonel Hogan.
443
00:17:50,186 --> 00:17:51,697
Colonel, how's the romance going
444
00:17:51,721 --> 00:17:52,686
with the fair Lottie?
445
00:17:52,722 --> 00:17:54,555
It's not going anyplace.
446
00:17:54,591 --> 00:17:56,124
Why not?
447
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:58,237
Aren't you using those
sure-fire lines I gave you?
448
00:17:58,261 --> 00:17:59,427
How can I use them?
449
00:17:59,462 --> 00:18:00,728
I'm never alone with Lottie.
450
00:18:00,763 --> 00:18:03,030
The mother is always there.
451
00:18:03,065 --> 00:18:04,832
Oh, I'm alone with
the mother a lot,
452
00:18:04,867 --> 00:18:06,900
but never with Lottie
without the mother.
453
00:18:06,936 --> 00:18:09,137
You got a problem.
454
00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:11,572
Yeah, this calls for
higher-echelon thinking.
455
00:18:13,476 --> 00:18:15,754
Soft lights, romantic music
456
00:18:15,778 --> 00:18:17,745
and a French dinner.
457
00:18:17,780 --> 00:18:19,747
And where are you
going to get all this?
458
00:18:19,782 --> 00:18:20,926
Leave that to me.
459
00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:23,496
We've got to write a
dinner invitation to Lottie.
460
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:24,730
I'll dictate it.
461
00:18:24,754 --> 00:18:26,887
All right, all right.
462
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,428
"My darling girl,
463
00:18:34,464 --> 00:18:36,047
"I want very much to see you.
464
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:38,282
"Please come to
my place for dinner.
465
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:40,584
"My lips tremble
466
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:43,254
"with the question
I must ask you
467
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:46,057
"and ask you alone.
468
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,259
Please say you will come."
469
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,861
Sign that, "Your devoted slave."
470
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:53,630
Colonel Hogan,
471
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,700
do you really talk
to girls like this?
472
00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:57,601
Sure.
473
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,869
And you get results?
474
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:00,037
Every time.
475
00:19:00,073 --> 00:19:02,839
I just don't understand it.
476
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:07,644
Miss Linkmyer, I have a
letter from Colonel Klink.
477
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,823
I will take it.
478
00:19:08,847 --> 00:19:10,526
Yeah, uh, Baron
von Klink wanted me
479
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:11,590
to deliver it to you.
480
00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:12,761
Baron von Klink?
481
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,085
Klink is a baron?
482
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,165
Son of a gun, I wasn't
supposed to mention it.
483
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:18,167
The Colonel is a baron?
484
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,657
Well, yeah, but during wartime
he doesn't want to be known
485
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,104
as an aristocrat,
just a soldier.
486
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,428
What a wonderful attitude.
487
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,241
Yeah, well, that's
the kind of man he is.
488
00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:28,377
I mean, he never even
mentions his decorations,
489
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:29,844
like the, uh, uh,
the Iron Cross,
490
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,935
or the Imperial Legion of Merit,
491
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,837
or the Victoria Cross.
492
00:19:33,872 --> 00:19:35,439
The Victoria Cross? Mm-hmm.
493
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:37,908
But is not that a
British decoration?
494
00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:41,044
Well, yeah, but even the
British admire a brave man.
495
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,615
And to think that I said
he looked like a dead fish.
496
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:46,850
Yeah, well, I wouldn't
mention it to him
497
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:48,085
or anyone else.
498
00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:49,720
Oh, no, I won't.
499
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,388
But can I tell my mother?
500
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:54,091
No, especially your mother, no.
501
00:19:54,127 --> 00:19:55,559
I understand.
502
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,261
If she is going to marry him,
503
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,873
it should be for what he is,
504
00:19:58,897 --> 00:20:00,998
not what he was.
505
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:07,771
She's gonna marry him?
506
00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:09,140
Your mama?
507
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:10,986
Well, it is not definite yet,
508
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:13,489
but, uh, my uncle,
General Burkhalter,
509
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:16,614
says that the Colonel is
anxious to marry Mama,
510
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,450
and now, I approve, too.
511
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:21,452
Oh, boy.
512
00:20:21,487 --> 00:20:23,053
Miss Linkmyer, I think
513
00:20:23,088 --> 00:20:24,233
I've made a mistake.
514
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,400
Can I have that note back?
515
00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:26,923
Oh, no mistake.
516
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:29,593
The Colonel has
invited Mama for dinner.
517
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,896
What a nice surprise for Mama.
518
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:35,599
What a nice surprise
for Colonel Klink.
519
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,774
Schultz, have another
bottle of champagne ready.
520
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:45,576
Jawohl, Herr Baron.
521
00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:47,844
I mean, Herr Kommandant.
522
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,448
Hogan, you have
done a very good job.
523
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:53,629
Everything looks
absolutely splendid.
524
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:54,985
Thanks, sir.
525
00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:56,931
The only thing is, it
isn't really necessary.
526
00:20:58,123 --> 00:20:59,535
General Burkhalter
has assured me
527
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:01,799
that the lady
returns my affection,
528
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,794
and you have gone
529
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:05,374
through a lot of
trouble for nothing.
530
00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:07,142
Not that I don't
appreciate it, mind you.
531
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:11,497
Colonel,
532
00:21:11,521 --> 00:21:12,964
why don't you
tell him the truth?
533
00:21:12,988 --> 00:21:14,121
I can't.
534
00:21:14,156 --> 00:21:15,389
It would be too painful.
535
00:21:15,425 --> 00:21:17,858
Besides, he's going
to find out anyway.
536
00:21:17,893 --> 00:21:21,362
Yeah, I never thought
I'd feel sorry for Klink.
537
00:21:23,399 --> 00:21:25,194
Never mind, never
mind, I'll get it.
538
00:21:25,218 --> 00:21:27,017
It's Lottie, my darling Lottie.
539
00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:29,353
Don't get your hopes too high.
540
00:21:29,388 --> 00:21:30,782
It might be someone else.
541
00:21:30,806 --> 00:21:31,817
Who else could it be?
542
00:21:32,842 --> 00:21:34,122
Who else, indeed.
543
00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:38,195
Come in, my darling, come in...
544
00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,701
Mrs. Linkmyer!
545
00:21:43,736 --> 00:21:45,803
Come, come, Wilhelm.
546
00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:47,905
You must call me Gertrude.
547
00:21:47,940 --> 00:21:49,239
I must?
548
00:21:49,274 --> 00:21:50,841
Of course.
549
00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:53,611
A husband and wife
can't be so formal.
550
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,779
Even though you have
not asked me the question
551
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:58,181
that is trembling on your lips.
552
00:21:58,217 --> 00:22:00,317
Husband? Wife?
553
00:22:00,352 --> 00:22:03,687
I must say, I was very angry
554
00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:06,690
at first, when the
General told me
555
00:22:06,726 --> 00:22:08,726
about his matchmaking,
556
00:22:08,761 --> 00:22:12,496
but once I got to
know you, Wilhelm...
557
00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:16,600
Hogan?
558
00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:18,413
I'm helping Schultz
chill the champagne.
559
00:22:18,437 --> 00:22:19,437
Me, too.
560
00:22:20,789 --> 00:22:23,190
What a lovely place
561
00:22:23,226 --> 00:22:26,227
you have here, Wilhelm.
562
00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:28,673
I think I will make
only a few changes.
563
00:22:28,697 --> 00:22:30,775
The drapes will go first,
564
00:22:30,799 --> 00:22:33,867
and then-then we
could get new furniture.
565
00:22:33,903 --> 00:22:36,215
Oh, just think, Wilhelm...
566
00:22:36,239 --> 00:22:38,639
Our own little love nest.
567
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,369
Oh, I know you two
want to be alone.
568
00:22:41,393 --> 00:22:42,938
Come on, fellows. KLINK: Hogan!
569
00:22:42,962 --> 00:22:45,763
Schultz, set another place.
570
00:22:50,053 --> 00:22:53,053
You would have liked my
husband Otto very much.
571
00:22:53,089 --> 00:22:54,455
Mind you, not that
572
00:22:54,490 --> 00:22:57,191
he didn't have some
very bad habits,
573
00:22:57,226 --> 00:23:01,395
but I shouldn't say
anything against him.
574
00:23:01,430 --> 00:23:05,099
He was lost in the
Russian Front, you know.
575
00:23:05,134 --> 00:23:06,766
Maybe you knew him.
576
00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:09,086
Was he the one they
called Lucky Otto?
577
00:23:09,121 --> 00:23:11,555
I don't remember anyone
ever calling him that.
578
00:23:11,590 --> 00:23:14,491
Maybe it was some
other Lucky Otto.
579
00:23:14,526 --> 00:23:16,404
Wilhelm,
580
00:23:16,428 --> 00:23:19,629
what do you think
of a spring wedding?
581
00:23:19,665 --> 00:23:21,899
Not much.
582
00:23:21,934 --> 00:23:23,111
If you don't mind me saying so,
583
00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:25,375
I think you should get married
right away, like tomorrow.
584
00:23:26,839 --> 00:23:28,317
Hogan, I'm going
to have you shot,
585
00:23:28,341 --> 00:23:30,618
and no court-martial in
the world would convict me.
586
00:23:30,642 --> 00:23:31,808
Tomorrow?
587
00:23:31,844 --> 00:23:33,105
Why so soon?
588
00:23:33,129 --> 00:23:35,073
Well, I figure it'd
give you a chance
589
00:23:35,097 --> 00:23:36,497
to get to know each other,
590
00:23:36,532 --> 00:23:38,492
enjoy a few golden
moments before...
591
00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:41,251
Before what?
592
00:23:41,286 --> 00:23:43,921
Colonel, do you think
it's fair to keep it secret?
593
00:23:43,956 --> 00:23:45,155
Why don't you tell her?
594
00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:46,323
Tell her what?
595
00:23:46,358 --> 00:23:48,325
You naughty boy!
596
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:52,162
Are you keeping
secrets from me already?
597
00:23:53,198 --> 00:23:55,098
Now, what is it?
598
00:23:55,134 --> 00:23:56,578
I'm going to tell
her if you don't.
599
00:23:56,602 --> 00:23:58,213
The Colonel has
volunteered for service
600
00:23:58,237 --> 00:23:59,882
at the Russian Front,
leaves next week.
601
00:23:59,906 --> 00:24:01,639
What?
602
00:24:01,674 --> 00:24:05,743
Why does everybody I know
volunteer for the Russian front?
603
00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:08,512
What is the big
attraction there?
604
00:24:08,548 --> 00:24:09,513
I don't know.
605
00:24:09,549 --> 00:24:10,659
I'm sure there's something.
606
00:24:10,683 --> 00:24:15,185
Well, I will tell you one
thing, Colonel Klink.
607
00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:18,689
I am not going to
be a widow again.
608
00:24:18,724 --> 00:24:21,892
The engagement is
off, and that is final!
609
00:24:21,928 --> 00:24:23,071
That's it.
610
00:24:23,095 --> 00:24:24,273
I would not do it.
611
00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:25,440
It's ridiculous!
612
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:26,641
My God, it's crazy.
613
00:24:28,901 --> 00:24:31,535
Hogan, you have just
done me a great favor.
614
00:24:31,570 --> 00:24:33,537
I would like to do
something for you.
615
00:24:33,572 --> 00:24:35,884
All I can ask is, you
get a good night's sleep.
616
00:24:35,908 --> 00:24:40,677
I am going to sleep like a baby.
617
00:24:41,747 --> 00:24:44,187
That's all I wanted to hear.
39165
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