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1
00:00:03,903 --> 00:00:06,938
CBS presents this
program in color.
2
00:01:21,181 --> 00:01:23,260
Zuruck to the Barracken.
3
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:26,551
Don't you know no
one is allowed outside
4
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:28,420
after roll call?
5
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:30,100
Schultz, I was
just going into town
6
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:31,089
to get some beer.
7
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,903
Now, I'd have been
back by, say, June.
8
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,426
July at the latest.
9
00:01:34,461 --> 00:01:35,560
Wise guy.
10
00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:38,430
You could have been shot
and-and-and everything.
11
00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:39,776
Yeah, yeah, and everything.
12
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:40,765
Ja, ja.
13
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:41,878
What's the matter, Carter.
14
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:43,413
Having trouble
with our genial host?
15
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:44,514
Colonel, they just brought
16
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,082
something big in
camp, and the goons
17
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,250
are all worked up about it.
18
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,240
Goons?
19
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,585
Nothing personal, Schultz.
20
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:50,575
Jolly joker.
21
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:51,776
Something big, huh?
22
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:52,911
Let's have a look.
23
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:55,380
Anybody order a piano by mail?
24
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:58,650
Number three torpedo ready, sir.
25
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:15,850
Got enough guards
around, it must be important.
26
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:18,437
Ah. That is bigger than a piano.
27
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:21,039
It's even bigger
than a breadbox.
28
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:31,199
Maybe it's some kind
of a new secret weapon.
29
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,612
Now, why did they
bring it in here?
30
00:02:32,636 --> 00:02:33,735
Well, they know it's safe.
31
00:02:33,770 --> 00:02:35,670
The Allies won't bomb
a prisoner-of-war camp.
32
00:02:35,706 --> 00:02:37,416
No, you see, that
wouldn't be cricket.
33
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,818
Hey, gang, what about if we
34
00:02:38,842 --> 00:02:39,919
find out what it is,
35
00:02:39,943 --> 00:02:41,454
and if it's important enough,
36
00:02:41,478 --> 00:02:43,122
we get London to bomb the camp?
37
00:02:43,146 --> 00:02:44,223
That would be great.
38
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:45,580
Carter...
39
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,152
Out.
40
00:02:51,187 --> 00:02:52,431
Schultz says I might get shot.
41
00:02:52,455 --> 00:02:53,788
That's right.
42
00:03:06,870 --> 00:03:09,003
These orders of
General Burkhalter
43
00:03:09,039 --> 00:03:10,906
place Stalag 13 and my command
44
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,040
at your disposal.
45
00:03:12,075 --> 00:03:13,341
Yes, Herr Colonel.
46
00:03:13,376 --> 00:03:15,276
Major Hauser, may I inquire
47
00:03:15,312 --> 00:03:16,845
what your mission is?
48
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,480
It is top secret, sir,
49
00:03:18,515 --> 00:03:20,693
and, uh... before telling you,
50
00:03:20,717 --> 00:03:23,852
I want your assurance
of absolute security.
51
00:03:23,887 --> 00:03:26,187
You have it, sir.
52
00:03:26,222 --> 00:03:27,400
This very office
53
00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:29,123
is more secure than any room
54
00:03:29,159 --> 00:03:31,726
in the headquarters
of the fuhrer himself.
55
00:03:31,762 --> 00:03:33,406
So, I can assure
you, Major Hauser,
56
00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:36,264
you may speak with
absolute security.
57
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,467
Your secret will not
go beyond these walls.
58
00:03:38,502 --> 00:03:39,879
Thank you, Colonel.
59
00:03:39,903 --> 00:03:41,981
Turn the volume
up, Kinch, will you?
60
00:03:42,005 --> 00:03:45,406
I can't. Somebody's been
using this thing to make coffee.
61
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:47,787
Don't you guys know a coffeepot
62
00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,210
from an amplifier?
63
00:03:49,245 --> 00:03:50,211
Shh. Listen.
64
00:03:50,246 --> 00:03:51,357
The equipment
65
00:03:51,381 --> 00:03:53,732
you refer to, Colonel,
is a new type V-bomb,
66
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,401
fully armed with a
highly volatile explosive.
67
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:59,070
I have been ordered
to bring it to the coast,
68
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:01,740
obviously for use in
targets against England.
69
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,208
That's fantastic.
70
00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,210
: Fantastic, Major.
71
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,846
You sure this is a one-way tap?
72
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:09,792
The bomb is to remain here
73
00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:12,684
for two days until the new
launching pad is ready.
74
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,320
I can assure you,
sir, it's absolutely safe.
75
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:17,723
Thank you for your
cooperation, Colonel.
76
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,258
I shall mention you in my report
77
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,859
to General Burkhalter in Berlin.
78
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,872
No, that won't be necessary,
79
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,663
but, uh... just in case,
80
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,809
my name is spelled with a "K."
81
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,384
What a hambone.
82
00:04:29,419 --> 00:04:31,853
A V-bomb, huh?
83
00:04:31,889 --> 00:04:33,532
Kinch, let's get
down to the tunnel
84
00:04:33,556 --> 00:04:35,956
and call a submarine.
85
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:54,293
Hello, Mama Bear.
86
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:55,972
Hello, Mama Bear...
This is Goldilocks.
87
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,276
Hello, Mama Bear.
88
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,177
Come in, Goldilocks,
89
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:02,367
This is Mama Bear.
90
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,714
Little Miss Muffet
has a big new tuffet
91
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:05,704
that goes boom.
92
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,307
Little Miss Muffet
moving tuffet 48 hours.
93
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:11,610
Goldilocks requesting
permission to make tuffet
94
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,456
go boom before move. Over.
95
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,047
Hands off Miss Muffet's
tuffet, Goldilocks.
96
00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:18,383
Stand by for our next
installment, 12 hours.
97
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:19,419
Over and out.
98
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:22,187
You mean we got to wait
99
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:23,789
12 hours to blow that thing up?
100
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,144
What's the matter,
Kinch you double parked?
101
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,540
We couldn't get
near it, Colonel.
102
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:31,530
We never had a chance.
103
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,476
They guard it like the
ruddy Bank of England.
104
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,211
Maybe we could
tunnel up to it, Colonel.
105
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:36,879
If we could take a
turn in Tunnel Three
106
00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:38,615
and we come up
through our wine cellar...
107
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:39,604
Are you mad?
108
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,073
Disturb that wine
we just put in there?
109
00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:45,143
Chateau Lafitte must
have rest in the beginning.
110
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,878
Americans. Hot dogs. Beer.
111
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,613
All right, all
right, knock it off.
112
00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:50,226
Colonel, the sub just sent this.
113
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,450
Thanks, Kinch.
114
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,654
They're sending
a team, four men.
115
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,690
They'll be dropped
tonight at point M-l4
116
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,087
at approximately 2100 hours.
117
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:04,679
Three commandos
and a Dr. Schneider.
118
00:06:04,715 --> 00:06:05,825
A doctor?
119
00:06:05,849 --> 00:06:06,815
Scientist.
120
00:06:06,850 --> 00:06:08,583
Sub says he needs a
minimum of ten minutes
121
00:06:08,619 --> 00:06:10,184
alone with the
rocket to look it over
122
00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:11,252
and take pictures of it.
123
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:12,386
Well, just how do we
124
00:06:12,422 --> 00:06:14,055
get four men in here, Colonel?
125
00:06:14,091 --> 00:06:15,602
It would be easier to send them
126
00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:17,303
the bleeding bomb
by parcel post.
127
00:06:17,327 --> 00:06:19,027
Four men, huh?
128
00:06:19,062 --> 00:06:21,107
They've really
tightened up on security.
129
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:22,931
What's Klink trying
to prove, anyway?
130
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:25,566
He's trying to show
that major from Berlin
131
00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:26,901
how tough he can be.
132
00:06:26,937 --> 00:06:28,737
All right, so he's tough.
133
00:06:28,772 --> 00:06:30,338
He deserves a prize.
134
00:06:31,574 --> 00:06:32,574
Wait a minute.
135
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:37,045
Wait one minute.
136
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,980
We'll give him a prize.
137
00:06:39,016 --> 00:06:41,616
How about something
nice, like a broken leg?
138
00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:42,951
May I assist?
139
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,186
No, no prize, a medal.
140
00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:50,525
Colonel Klink is going to
be Kommandant of the Year.
141
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,862
Stalag 13 is going
to be in the top ten,
142
00:06:53,897 --> 00:06:54,996
prison camp-wise, that is.
143
00:06:55,032 --> 00:06:56,197
Just the diversion we want.
144
00:06:56,232 --> 00:06:57,198
We need a medal.
145
00:06:57,233 --> 00:06:59,267
What are the boys in
the iron shop doing?
146
00:06:59,302 --> 00:07:01,147
Making hand-grenade
paperweights.
147
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,337
Every third one is live.
148
00:07:03,373 --> 00:07:04,917
Gestapo men all over Germany
149
00:07:04,941 --> 00:07:07,341
are getting a real
bang out of their mail.
150
00:07:07,377 --> 00:07:09,044
Forget about the paperweights.
151
00:07:09,079 --> 00:07:11,680
We need an ornate
medal... A... a German eagle
152
00:07:11,715 --> 00:07:14,149
clutching a prisoner
of war by the throat.
153
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,684
But friendly.
154
00:07:15,719 --> 00:07:17,030
Get 'em to work on it. Okay.
155
00:07:17,054 --> 00:07:18,153
We also need a scroll.
156
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,821
Make it nice and big and fancy,
157
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:20,822
curlicues and stuff.
158
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:21,857
Make it baroque.
159
00:07:21,892 --> 00:07:23,424
You mean like cupids.
160
00:07:23,459 --> 00:07:24,625
Why not?
161
00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:25,994
Cupids never hurt anybody.
162
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,528
Okay, cupids.
163
00:07:27,564 --> 00:07:29,030
Kinch, make
contact with the sub.
164
00:07:29,066 --> 00:07:30,098
Confirm the drop point.
165
00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:31,099
Right-o.
166
00:07:31,134 --> 00:07:32,233
Lebeau, tell the print shop
167
00:07:32,268 --> 00:07:34,169
we need some orders
from Burkhalter to Klink.
168
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:37,839
Orders? Now, how are we
going to get them to Klink?
169
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,174
A magician like Newkirk?
170
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,976
He could pick your pockets
wearing boxing gloves.
171
00:07:42,012 --> 00:07:44,345
I've been that way
since birth, you know.
172
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:46,059
By the way, is this your coin?
173
00:07:46,083 --> 00:07:47,048
Give me that.
174
00:07:47,084 --> 00:07:48,884
I found it a little earlier.
175
00:08:11,208 --> 00:08:13,574
There you are, mate.
I'm sorry about that.
176
00:08:13,610 --> 00:08:14,909
You are a...
177
00:08:14,945 --> 00:08:18,505
I'm too small. I didn't
see him. I couldn't help it.
178
00:08:18,982 --> 00:08:24,953
Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan
requests permission to see you.
179
00:08:24,988 --> 00:08:27,522
Later, Schultz. I have
no time for him now.
180
00:08:27,557 --> 00:08:30,258
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan requested me
181
00:08:30,293 --> 00:08:33,027
to tell you it is urgent.
182
00:08:35,031 --> 00:08:36,063
Really?
183
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:37,332
Tell me, Schultz,
184
00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:40,368
which Colonel is running
this camp, Hogan or me?
185
00:08:40,403 --> 00:08:41,469
I sometimes wonder.
186
00:08:41,505 --> 00:08:43,104
Me, too, Herr Komman...
187
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:49,511
I am the Colonel who
will sign your transfer
188
00:08:49,546 --> 00:08:50,878
for the Russian front.
189
00:08:50,913 --> 00:08:54,482
Boy, are you running the camp.
190
00:08:54,518 --> 00:08:56,817
Send him in.
191
00:09:05,028 --> 00:09:07,006
Colonel Hogan, I
am very busy today...
192
00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:08,941
Dispatches from
Berlin. What is it?
193
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:09,930
I'm here to make a complaint
194
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:10,966
on behalf of my men.
195
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,618
Oh, a complaint.
196
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,097
Not sufficient
entertainment, perhaps?
197
00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:16,988
No, you're funny enough.
198
00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:19,424
Or the food you take
from German mouths.
199
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:22,561
I suppose you will prefer
some wine or some caviar?
200
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,663
Matter of fact, I'm
very fond of caviar.
201
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,965
I don't want to have
you go to any trouble,
202
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,400
but if you should happen
to be near a post office
203
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,770
when they transfer you
to the Russian front...
204
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,641
Who said I was going
to the Russian front?
205
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:38,944
You heard something, Hogan?
206
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,411
I hear lots of things.
207
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:41,947
Like my men complaining
208
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:45,083
about that thing sitting
out there on the truck,
209
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:47,518
containing highly
volatile explosives.
210
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,854
That, Colonel, is
none of your business.
211
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:54,859
Well, according to the Geneva
Prisoner of War Convention,
212
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:58,529
"Prisoners of war shall not be
subjected to unusual danger."
213
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:01,099
Page five, Chapter
three, Section four.
214
00:10:03,987 --> 00:10:06,838
I will decide what
is dangerous and
215
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:09,708
what is not dangerous
at Stalag 13.
216
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:12,611
Colonel Hogan,
I'm a very busy man.
217
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:14,512
You're dismissed.
218
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,414
Yes, sir.
219
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,355
Hogan, wait.
220
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:28,893
I can't believe it.
221
00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:32,130
A dispatch from
General Burkhalter.
222
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,210
I have been named
Kommandant of the Year.
223
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,666
Kommandant of the Year!
224
00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:36,745
Ja.
225
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:38,448
And Stalag 13 will
be among the top ten
226
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,283
prisoner-of-war camps
in all of Germany.
227
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,672
I didn't know they took a poll.
228
00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:42,940
Nobody asked me.
229
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,609
Congratulations, sir.
230
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,610
Danke.
231
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,790
A Colonel Schneider
and his staff
232
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:50,348
will be awarding a
medal and a scroll.
233
00:10:50,384 --> 00:10:52,283
A scroll. That's pretty fancy.
234
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,452
Probably even have cupids on it.
235
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:55,764
Schneider. Colonel Schneider.
236
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:57,800
I don't know any Schneider
on Burkhalter's staff.
237
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,724
Oh, Germany's just
crawling with Schneiders.
238
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:00,825
Very common name.
239
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:01,826
Yes, I know, but...
240
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:03,961
I once knew a George
Schneider in Chicago.
241
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:04,962
He was a butcher.
242
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,365
Had a thumb that
weighed a pound and half.
243
00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:13,354
Wilhelm Klink,
Kommandant of the Year.
244
00:11:13,390 --> 00:11:16,190
Has a good,
nasty ring to it, sir.
245
00:11:16,226 --> 00:11:18,993
And why not?
246
00:11:19,029 --> 00:11:20,261
I worked hard to get this.
247
00:11:20,297 --> 00:11:21,695
I deserve it.
248
00:11:21,731 --> 00:11:24,299
Stalag 13 should
be in the top ten.
249
00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:26,700
Colonel Schneider
will arrive tomorrow.
250
00:11:26,736 --> 00:11:29,237
A formation of the command...
251
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:31,284
Sir, request permission
for the prisoners to parade?
252
00:11:31,308 --> 00:11:32,840
Granted.
253
00:11:32,875 --> 00:11:35,743
After all, you
belong to us, too.
254
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:39,547
Just a simple ceremony,
presentation of the awards,
255
00:11:39,582 --> 00:11:41,682
and then back to the routine
256
00:11:41,717 --> 00:11:44,485
that made us famous
here at Stalag 13.
257
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,560
After your acceptance
speech, of course.
258
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,123
Acceptance speech?
259
00:11:49,159 --> 00:11:50,325
Oh, nothing elaborate.
260
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:51,326
Just a half an hour, 40 minutes.
261
00:11:51,361 --> 00:11:52,327
Just the essentials.
262
00:11:52,362 --> 00:11:54,128
But I'd leave out
the ugly incident
263
00:11:54,164 --> 00:11:56,064
with the Munich
police, if I were you.
264
00:11:56,099 --> 00:11:59,334
They never pressed changes.
265
00:11:59,369 --> 00:12:00,479
I'm a soldier, not a politician.
266
00:12:00,503 --> 00:12:01,613
I will not talk for 30 minutes.
267
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:03,237
20.
268
00:12:03,273 --> 00:12:04,238
Split the difference.
269
00:12:04,274 --> 00:12:07,108
Talk for ten minutes,
just the highlights.
270
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:08,955
Do you really feel
it's necessary?
271
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:13,348
Don't you, General Klink?
272
00:12:13,383 --> 00:12:16,550
I know what you mean.
273
00:12:19,255 --> 00:12:21,755
Colonel Hogan, this
is against regulations,
274
00:12:21,791 --> 00:12:25,037
but would you care for a
little schnapps in celebration?
275
00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:26,827
Thanks.
276
00:12:26,863 --> 00:12:31,265
And what does it say in your
little Geneva book about that?
277
00:12:31,301 --> 00:12:32,867
Well, let's see.
278
00:12:32,902 --> 00:12:34,802
Schnapps?
279
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:38,939
Here it is, page five,
Chapter four, Section one.
280
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:41,942
"Only the good stuff."
281
00:12:48,718 --> 00:12:49,895
All right, you got everything?
282
00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:52,053
Map, walkie-talkie.
Oui, Colonel.
283
00:12:52,088 --> 00:12:53,966
All right, what's the
identification code?
284
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:56,224
Hello, I am the Big, Bad Wolf.
285
00:12:56,259 --> 00:12:59,293
And they must answer, "We
are Little Red Riding Hood."
286
00:12:59,329 --> 00:13:01,129
It's terrible. No imagination.
287
00:13:01,164 --> 00:13:02,808
If you wanted to be a writer,
288
00:13:02,832 --> 00:13:04,332
go into Special Services.
289
00:13:10,806 --> 00:13:12,907
All right, hurry it
up and be careful
290
00:13:12,942 --> 00:13:14,042
and good luck.
291
00:13:16,279 --> 00:13:19,080
Big Bad Wolf calling
Red Riding Hood.
292
00:13:19,115 --> 00:13:21,349
Need your position. Come in.
293
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:22,517
Come in, Red.
294
00:13:27,257 --> 00:13:30,324
Hey, Red Riding Hood,
stop fooling around.
295
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:34,562
I'm waiting at M-14.
Where are you?
296
00:13:34,597 --> 00:13:37,515
Goldilocks to Big Bad Wolf,
what's the problem, Wolf?
297
00:13:37,551 --> 00:13:40,068
Can't find Little
Red Riding Hood,
298
00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:41,835
not at M-14. Need help.
299
00:13:41,871 --> 00:13:44,739
Carter, tell Schultz one
of our men is missing.
300
00:13:44,774 --> 00:13:45,907
Went over the wire.
301
00:13:45,942 --> 00:13:47,875
Right, Colonel.
302
00:13:48,878 --> 00:13:49,610
Hey, Schultz!
303
00:13:49,646 --> 00:13:50,695
Schultz!
304
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,663
Schultz, come here.
305
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:56,779
Schultz, the Colonel
just took count.
306
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:57,814
There's a man missing.
307
00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:59,015
He went over the wire.
308
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:02,173
Not so loud. You are
waking everybody up.
309
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,943
I thought you might
want the credit.
310
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:07,545
Oh, yeah. Danke.
311
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,882
Achtung! Achtung!
312
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:14,719
Prisoner went over the wire!
313
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:19,023
Report made by Sergeant Schultz,
314
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:23,394
serial number
zwei, sieben, ach...
315
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,681
What took you so long?
316
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,783
Ecoutez-moi.
317
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:52,106
Commandos... four parachutes.
318
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:56,243
Comprenez?
319
00:14:56,278 --> 00:14:57,612
Okay, find them.
320
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:03,968
Find them! Commandos!
321
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:06,082
Ah, come on, you call
yourselves guard dogs
322
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,806
and you can't find
four lousy commandos?
323
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,477
I'm ashamed of you.
324
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:23,721
Little Red Riding Hood
calling Big Bad Wolf.
325
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,523
Come in, Big Bad Wolf.
326
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:26,524
Come in.
327
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:28,026
Any luck?
328
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,460
No, it's dead.
329
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:31,507
Perhaps you can do
something with it, Dr. Schneider?
330
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:34,765
No, no, no. We didn't use
walkie-talkies at Cal Tech.
331
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:38,303
Somebody's coming.
332
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,112
Dr. Schneider, I presume.
333
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:49,658
Don't move, you're covered.
334
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:52,933
I know it's hard to believe,
but I'm the Big Bad Wolf.
335
00:15:52,968 --> 00:15:55,803
Little Red Riding Hood.
336
00:15:55,838 --> 00:15:58,017
I suppose that's rather
hard to believe, too.
337
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,307
I'm Corporal Lebeau, Stalag 13.
338
00:16:00,342 --> 00:16:01,042
How do you do?
339
00:16:01,077 --> 00:16:02,242
What happened?
340
00:16:02,278 --> 00:16:04,089
The wind blew our
chutes away from M-14
341
00:16:04,113 --> 00:16:05,412
and the radio got smashed.
342
00:16:05,448 --> 00:16:06,914
Write down what I tell you.
343
00:16:06,950 --> 00:16:10,651
Oh, may I see you a
little closer, please?
344
00:16:10,687 --> 00:16:11,986
Stand natural, please.
345
00:16:12,021 --> 00:16:14,188
No, hands at your side.
346
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,790
Thank you.
347
00:16:17,994 --> 00:16:18,926
15½.
348
00:16:18,962 --> 00:16:19,994
15½.
349
00:16:20,029 --> 00:16:20,995
What's that for?
350
00:16:21,030 --> 00:16:22,030
German uniforms.
351
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:25,432
You're going into Stalag
13 tomorrow in a staff car.
352
00:16:25,468 --> 00:16:26,934
32½.
353
00:16:26,970 --> 00:16:28,435
32½.
354
00:16:28,471 --> 00:16:30,037
You like a belt or suspenders?
355
00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:31,005
Suspenders.
356
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,108
Figured.
357
00:16:34,143 --> 00:16:35,610
41½.
358
00:16:35,645 --> 00:16:36,925
41½.
359
00:16:42,785 --> 00:16:44,852
Kamerad! Kamerad!
360
00:16:44,887 --> 00:16:46,570
Nicht schiessen!
361
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,188
Come on. Start barking.
362
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:50,691
You want them to
think you're pussy cats?
363
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:19,120
Colonel Schneider?
364
00:17:19,155 --> 00:17:20,287
I'm Colonel Klink.
365
00:17:20,322 --> 00:17:22,389
It is a great honor
and privilege
366
00:17:22,424 --> 00:17:24,258
to welcome you to Stalag 13.
367
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,360
Danke Schoen, Klink.
368
00:17:26,395 --> 00:17:29,563
My officers: Captain Hockenburg,
369
00:17:29,598 --> 00:17:33,901
Lieutenant Brauer,
Lieutenant Smith... berg.
370
00:17:33,936 --> 00:17:38,139
Gentlemen, perhaps
a little refreshment
371
00:17:38,174 --> 00:17:40,207
before the ceremony, hmm?
372
00:17:40,242 --> 00:17:43,210
Jawohl. Excellent.
373
00:17:46,448 --> 00:17:47,882
So far, so good.
374
00:17:47,917 --> 00:17:50,951
Oui, but I wish
we had more time.
375
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,419
Why?
376
00:17:52,454 --> 00:17:56,254
Schneider's uniform needs
a little work around the collar.
377
00:17:57,226 --> 00:18:01,762
On behalf of General Burkhalter
and the Supreme Command,
378
00:18:01,798 --> 00:18:07,234
it is my pleasurable duty
to award you, Wilhelm Klink,
379
00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:12,639
this medal as
Kommandant of the Year.
380
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:28,789
In addition, Colonel
Klink, it is my privilege
381
00:18:28,825 --> 00:18:31,491
to award you this scroll,
382
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:34,628
designating your
command, Stalag 13,
383
00:18:34,663 --> 00:18:38,232
as one of the top ten
camps in all Germany.
384
00:18:42,104 --> 00:18:44,471
Speech! Speech! Speech!
385
00:18:44,506 --> 00:18:46,941
Bravo! Bravo!
386
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:49,527
Bravo! Bravo!
387
00:18:55,484 --> 00:18:59,653
As I look upon the sea of
smiling faces before me,
388
00:18:59,688 --> 00:19:02,422
I'm reminded of a story...
389
00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:08,595
Once upon a time,
there was a little boy
390
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,749
who lived in his home
town of Dusseldorf.
391
00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:14,402
He was a handsome
boy, well liked
392
00:19:14,437 --> 00:19:17,671
by his fellow students
at the gymnasium,
393
00:19:17,707 --> 00:19:22,376
but he had one little problem...
394
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,578
He was not a very good student.
395
00:19:24,613 --> 00:19:28,699
He could not pass his
examination for the law,
396
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:29,567
for medicine,
397
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:31,935
not even for bookkeeping.
398
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:36,440
So, one day, his father
said to this little boy,
399
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:41,646
"Son," he said, "you are
obviously good for nothing else,
400
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,882
so why don't you join the army?"
401
00:19:57,580 --> 00:20:01,499
Friends and enemies.
402
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,072
Where are you going?
403
00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,073
Just going to see the rocket.
404
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:10,953
Oh, how nice. What?
405
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:12,977
I'll be right back
in just a minute.
406
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:16,747
I see nothing! Nothing!
407
00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:21,468
He came to see me
play my first soccer game.
408
00:20:21,503 --> 00:20:24,305
By the end of the
half, it was evident...
409
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:29,093
Hogan.
410
00:20:29,128 --> 00:20:30,728
Oh, Colonel Hogan.
411
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,029
Schneider?
412
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:36,667
You put it right there, and
when the bomb explodes,
413
00:20:36,703 --> 00:20:39,203
the concussion
will fire the rocket.
414
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:43,190
It is teamwork
that wins the war.
415
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:46,939
We've only got a
couple of minutes.
416
00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:47,627
Make it quick, huh?
417
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,596
Right.
418
00:20:52,201 --> 00:20:56,487
And so I want to thank
each and every one of you
419
00:20:56,522 --> 00:20:58,389
for your cooperation,
420
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:01,158
and I hope that in the future
421
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:04,194
we may continue
to work together.
422
00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:07,431
More! More! More!
423
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,616
Good?
424
00:21:08,651 --> 00:21:09,617
You're a smash!
425
00:21:09,652 --> 00:21:11,451
Give 'em a little bit more,
426
00:21:11,487 --> 00:21:13,298
as long as you
got 'em warmed up.
427
00:21:13,322 --> 00:21:15,534
Tell 'em about the
time you stole the girl
428
00:21:15,558 --> 00:21:17,469
away from Goering at that party.
429
00:21:17,493 --> 00:21:19,026
Come on.
430
00:21:19,061 --> 00:21:21,501
It's going over with a bang.
431
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:25,733
One night my good friend
Field Marshal Goering
432
00:21:25,768 --> 00:21:29,102
brought a lovely
fraulein to our officers...
433
00:21:29,138 --> 00:21:34,875
Oh, Major Hauser.
434
00:21:34,911 --> 00:21:35,921
I-I-I was just admiring
your rocket here.
435
00:21:35,945 --> 00:21:39,813
I worked on the original model.
436
00:21:39,849 --> 00:21:41,659
At the end of the evening,
she even asked me...
437
00:21:41,683 --> 00:21:47,672
Klink is a fine officer, but
hardly a great speechmaker.
438
00:21:47,707 --> 00:21:50,073
My feelings exactly.
439
00:21:50,109 --> 00:21:53,511
Allow me to show you my baby.
440
00:21:53,546 --> 00:21:54,723
Oh, some other time, Major.
441
00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:56,814
It will only take one minute.
442
00:21:56,849 --> 00:21:58,949
That's all we have.
443
00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:06,123
In closing, I am reminded
of another little story
444
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,526
which might be
appropriate at this occasion.
445
00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:11,879
It happened in 1938...
446
00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:15,816
Actually, sir, the new type
has many built-in safeguards
447
00:22:15,851 --> 00:22:17,952
against accidental firing.
448
00:22:17,987 --> 00:22:21,221
This device here, for example,
449
00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:23,368
you cannot turn it
to the alert position
450
00:22:23,392 --> 00:22:25,804
unless all systems
are in working order.
451
00:22:25,828 --> 00:22:27,294
Here, let me show you.
452
00:22:27,330 --> 00:22:29,596
As though nothing had happened,
453
00:22:29,631 --> 00:22:31,966
and we returned
safely to the base.
454
00:22:32,001 --> 00:22:36,036
I can even press the firing
button with complete safety.
455
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:48,899
What happened?
456
00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:52,454
I think one of your
rockets is missing.
457
00:22:58,594 --> 00:23:01,261
Colonel, it is a catastrophe!
458
00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:03,947
It is a catastrophe, Colonel!
459
00:23:03,983 --> 00:23:05,549
This is a catastrophe!
460
00:23:05,585 --> 00:23:08,519
My medal is missing!
461
00:23:08,554 --> 00:23:09,453
Don't worry, Colonel.
462
00:23:09,489 --> 00:23:11,889
We'll make you a new one.
463
00:23:17,630 --> 00:23:20,864
The entire reputation of
Stalag 13 is destroyed.
464
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:23,300
Colonel Schneider
is on his way to Berlin.
465
00:23:23,335 --> 00:23:24,379
He will report to
General Burkhalter,
466
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:26,437
Major Hauser will
confirm the report.
467
00:23:26,472 --> 00:23:28,405
Ah, all is lost.
468
00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:31,207
Oh, cheer up. You still have me.
469
00:23:32,545 --> 00:23:33,644
Herr Kommandant!
470
00:23:33,679 --> 00:23:34,956
Not now, Schultz.
471
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:37,047
The Russian front
at this time of year.
472
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,482
I'm catching cold already.
473
00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:40,217
It's very important.
474
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:42,553
I said not now, Schultz.
475
00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:43,965
Look, you could always say
476
00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:45,700
the rocket was aimed at England.
477
00:23:45,724 --> 00:23:47,469
Major Hauser got a little loaded
478
00:23:47,493 --> 00:23:48,603
and pushed the button.
479
00:23:48,627 --> 00:23:51,161
Do you think a board of
inquiry is going to believe...?
480
00:23:51,197 --> 00:23:53,475
They might, they just might,
it's such an impossible lie.
481
00:23:53,499 --> 00:23:55,299
That's the best kind.
482
00:23:55,334 --> 00:23:57,534
Thank you for your
suggestion, Colonel Hogan.
483
00:23:57,570 --> 00:23:58,835
What are you doing here?
484
00:23:58,870 --> 00:24:01,938
I never went away,
Herr Kommandant.
485
00:24:01,974 --> 00:24:03,173
This is from Berlin.
486
00:24:03,209 --> 00:24:04,575
It is very hot!
487
00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:08,512
I told them not to bother
me with these things.
488
00:24:10,899 --> 00:24:15,636
No! You said aimed
at England, huh?
489
00:24:15,671 --> 00:24:16,503
Mm-hmm.
490
00:24:16,539 --> 00:24:17,838
For your information,
491
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:20,374
half of the airfield of
Hamburg is missing.
492
00:24:20,409 --> 00:24:22,008
Destroyed.
493
00:24:22,044 --> 00:24:23,788
I must see Major Hauser at once!
494
00:24:23,812 --> 00:24:27,612
Maybe he has a
better lie than yours.
495
00:24:29,852 --> 00:24:31,196
Another day, another rocket.
496
00:24:31,220 --> 00:24:33,186
You said England.
497
00:24:33,222 --> 00:24:35,356
They made a big hole in Hamburg.
498
00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:37,725
Naughty, naughty.
499
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,404
What could I do, Schultz?
500
00:24:39,428 --> 00:24:41,928
My aim is terrible
when I'm in a hurry.
34859
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