Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart.

All my prayers are for you.

Good night, sweetheart.

I'll be watching over you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the dawn, a new day is born.

Terrific lyric.

Mike Turner, I'm in the business back in Toronto.

Maybe we can get together after the war.

Gary, don't need a leg up, mate. Hollywood.

Hollywood.

What have you worked on?

Oh, nothing you'd have heard of.

Try me, pal. I've seen them all.

Well, there was The Godfather, Reservoir Dogs, and then, of course, there was

Trainspotting. You're right. I haven't heard of them.

Trainspotting? What in hell is that about?

Blokes in anoraks standing on bridges.

That sure sounds like a box office bonanza. Hey, Phoebe, honey, give this

player a drink, will you?

You guys ever hear a train fart?

Phoebe, honey?

They're just being friendly, Gary. It's their way.

Besides, who'd make eyes at me in my condition?

I would. I will, later.

I told you, no malarkey.

Phoebe. Now, look.

If you had made a nest in a chimney...

Would you be glad to see the sweep?

You're a lucky man, Gary.

Well, so are you, Reg. Yeah.

I'm a bit worried about this living in sin lot, though. It has a representative

for law and order, like, but there's a lot to be said for it.

Oh, really? And why's that, Reg?

Last thing at night and first thing in the morning.

Cup of tea?

And a slice of bread and drip.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to your stag night.

What's stagnant? Ooh, a right old time we'll have of it.

Coco in bed.

What could be nicer?

I know you said you couldn't take your things off.

No, it's all right.

It will be the same, won't it, Gary?

After we're married.

I bloody hope not.

No.

I mean, we'll still be romantic with each other.

Of course we will.

Last thing at night and first thing in the morning.

Mr and Mrs Sparrow and Michael Sparrow. Hmm, if it's a boy.

I hadn't thought about a girl's name.

Well, if not Michael, how about Michelle?

It's French, isn't it?

A bit outlandish.

It's pretty, though.

How do you do it? Just come up with them. They're in French, too.

Talent. Just raw talent.

It's a boy.

I don't know how I know, but I do.

Margie's making a three -tier cake.

Bride and groom on top, silver horseshoes, little pillars, you know.

All made out of cotton wool and cardboard.

Sounds chewy.

About the ring.

What?

Well, a lot of girls are making do with the curtain ring, you know.

Till times are a little easier.

No, you listen to me.

It will be the best. The best I can find.

Loads of carrots.

And our names engraved inside. How about that?

Name's engraved. Oh, Gary.

Can it say forever?

Of course it can.

Forever and two hearts entwined.

Whatever you want.

Like in a pub game in this.

Canadian flyer. Well, he's in show business in Phoebe Street.

Producer and impresario. What did he give you this for?

I was singing in the pub.

I was singing Love Me Do.

You know, it's all very well you're impressing war -torn London with the

contents of the Lennon and McCartney songbook, but there are items from later

the 20th century which would benefit them rather more.

Oh, what would you suggest?

A couple of Harrier jump jets would probably do a turn.

What is it?

I'm compiling a list of likely employment.

I'm going to get everything I can out of the business before Stella's lawyers

dig the shovels in.

Then I shall invest in a new life. I've got to the P's.

Personal finance advisor, pornographer, president of UEFA.

This ought as? Yes, but it's a fallback position.

Ron, you can't give up the print works.

I need you.

I need updated ration books, MI5 identity papers, white fibres. I've got

wedding breakfast to pay for it.

Ron, what am I doing?

Tomorrow, I will have two wives 54 years apart.

And then in a couple of months, I'm going to have a kid just about old

be my father.

In the meantime, my life is governed by deceit and ironclad schedules.

This is madness.

It's last night nerves, old son.

Though in your case, I will admit it is slightly odd, as the nervous night is

taking place from five decades after the happy day.

Which is why I won't be there.

However, I have organised a stag night.

Sorry, I might... I was... What is that sickly niff?

Hello, Gary. I'm not quite back yet.

Where have you been?

I have travelled through space and time, Gary.

Piece of cake.

To a place of great tranquillity.

I have seen a vision.

Well, I can hardly wait.

A vision of quids rolling into our bank account.

That sickly nip, as you so charmlessly put it, is a perfume from healing oils.

Naturopath's answer to health and happiness, along with acupuncture,

homeopathy, reflexology... Balls.

No. Feet, Gary.

Reflexology is feet. You'd have to pay considerably more if it were balls.

However, people do pay, and they pay willingly, because it works. You may

but it does.

What, needles and foot massage?

You see, the problem with most practitioners of alternative therapies

they're dozy.

No kidding.

They need organising. They need to rationalise their working methods. They

to maximise their profits.

They need you.

Exactly. Do you know, more and more people are becoming more and more aware

about alternative medicine.

But they don't know enough about it or where to find it.

Imagine, Gary, a business that has a terrific profit potential but is

force for good in the world.

You should try. You won't be so tired all the time.

Take more than foot massage to get to the source of my fatigue.

Take a shoe and sock off.

What? Go on. I learnt a lot on my holistic weekend.

Up here.

Right. The principle is that areas of the foot correspond to points on the

Organs, nerve sites and so on.

You should feel something within the region of your sinuses.

Well, yeah, something.

And now somewhere around your abdomen, perhaps?

Yeah, right.

And now... Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, what's that?

You see, reflexology reaches the part some other therapists don't even

I think a cigarette's more traditional, isn't it?

And no, you can't do it yourself.

You know what I'm going to do when this is all over? Do what you did. Go to

Hollywood. Maybe you could give me a few contacts.

Yeah, right, no problem. Yeah, right, no problem.

You sure spent time in Hollywood. You even talk American.

Yeah, and dresses like a civilian.

Here, there's no call for that. Gary's doing his bit.

I figured that out.

Oi, oi, oi, oi.

I want you at the altar tomorrow, not in a hospital bed.

No chance of that.

My hero.

Get me!

You look wonderful.

If you weren't already spoken for, I'd marry you myself.

No second thoughts then, Gary?

Of course not.

It's a big step.

You can only have one wife.

And that's me.

The future Mrs Sparrow.

I'm so happy, Gary.

Come on, Phoebe.

I thought we were supposed to be having a party.

Off to the king's head.

It'd be a treat to have a drink in someone else's pub.

Have a good time. You too.

Don't get into trouble.

He says, Western Supermere. I wouldn't go there for me holidays.

And the other bloke says, no, why not?

And he says, it's so boring in Western Supermere that one day the tide went

So boring, even the tide went out.

Hold on, that's not it.

I've got it, I've got it. He says, he says, one day the tide went out.

Hang a bit, I just said that, didn't I?

One day the tide went out and never came back.

That's it, it went out and never came back.

That's a good one, isn't it?

Went out and never come back.

Right, I'm going to have to go.

Um, well, back to the office, you know, we've got a bit of a flap on. What on

this dag night? They never let you rest, do they? Still, I understand,

policemen's never off duty either.

I'll keep the flag flying, son, never you fear.

Yeah, well, your voice does sound slightly muffled. But I don't think you

joined the choir invisible, Yvonne, because when that last needle came out,

distinctly saw your buttocks clench.

This is Mei Ling.

And this is Marcus.

Mei Ling is still thinking about it, but Marcus is definitely going to let me

handle him.

Well, that's fair.

He's business.

Oh, Gary, I feel boyful.

Get up on here after me and let...

Marcus and Mayling give you a session.

You feel the stress and tiredness flowing out of you like... Like

the tide going out and never coming back?

That's very good. Very poetic.

I use that in the brochure.

Yes, well, much as I'd love Marcus to give me an oil change, while Mayling

for double top, I've got to get round to Ron. I promise.

We can have a few cans and a vintage video, you know. They think it's all

Well, he's feeling a bit sorry for himself, you know. I think it's because

living alone.

He really has got the moops.

And so the pagan ceremony of Stag begins, when we must cast aside all

inhibitions, all the trappings of civilised behaviour, and offer vast

of lager to the great goddess Nuki.

It's just the two of us, isn't it? I mean, look at all this stuff.

Ritual, Gary. The sacred tradition of Stag.

Lager, scotch, tequila, choice of blue movie and the 1966 World Cup final.

you for remembering your small contribution, which was originally mine

The only break with tradition is the lack of inflated condoms and a

kebab.

What tradition? It wasn't written into the Magna Carta, you know. I suppose the

fact that you happen to be married does break with tradition to a degree.

Two wines.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't think so.

It does have its compensations, you know. All right, not just at the moment,

perhaps.

You mean sex?

Nah.

Married sex.

Bit like a job of work, isn't it?

Sign in, check your tools, do your shift, watch the clock. No thank you.

When it comes to sex, I am happy to be freelance.

You don't mean freelance, you mean self -employed.

So, later on, it's back to the 40s, return tomorrow night, a certified

Well, not quite.

Got to get through the stag night at the Royal Oak first, then back to the 90s,

cos I've got to pick up the ring first thing in the morning. You forgot the

ring. No, I didn't.

I promised Phoebe 22 carats with two names and two hearts.

And that takes two days. Obviously, you can't get it done in the 40s.

Doesn't matter, though. I mean, the wedding's not till 12 .30.

So, your schedule, in a nutshell, is... Stag parties at different ends of the

century.

Wake up with Yvonne, rush out, collect the ring, zip through the time warp,

the ring on Phoebe's finger, followed by a wedding breakfast and then a fake MI5

alert and wake up next to Yvonne.

I'm surprised you don't use a colour -coded flowchart.

Where are the ladies in question tonight?

Phoebe's on a pub crawl and Yvonne's being pummeled and pricked.

Oh, well, I'm glad everybody's having a good time.

Take your shoe off and put your foot on the table.

What?

Have you joined the Freemasons?

I just did.

Oh, good God!

What was that?

It's good, isn't it?

Yvonne showed me. It's, uh... Reflexology.

Really?

Would you like a drink? No, I'd better go. Gary!

It was nothing.

No -one need ever know.

You didn't know what you were doing. Let's pretend it never happened.

It's not that. It's not that. It's cos Reg is organising a stag for me as well.

All right.

One for the road, then. One for the road back.

Yeah, yeah, why not?

Cheers.

Gary, can you... Do it yourself now. No.

Have one on us, Gary.

Thanks. Scott, make it a double. Cold feet.

Now listen to the voice of experience.

You've got a good woman in, Phoebe.

You wouldn't come home off night duty or a bit of fire watching and find your

side of the bed already warm.

You wouldn't get her trying to make out that the bloke you met on the stairs had

lost his way in the blackout.

Enough of that.

That's all in the past.

It's your stag night.

Drink up.

Yeah, scotch, Reg, and make it a double.

Cold feet.

Now you listen to the voice of experience.

So, the other book says it's so boring that one day the tide went out and never

came back.

That's the oldest joke in the world.

That is the worst oldest joke in the world.

Oh, you tell Reg Denon that, then.

Oh, there's somebody at the door.

Phoebe asked me to call round.

She wants me to show you something.

Phoebe?

What?

This.

this trouble a lot.

Would you want the rest? I'm fully paid for.

Well, I would, but I've got to go.

I thought you said this was a bad day.

Yeah, it is.

That's why I'm going to get an early night.

As you were.

Well, perhaps not.

They're all bloody new men these days.

How am I supposed to earn a living?

ever sing song.

Right, I'm going to call it a night. No stamina, eh? Some bridegroom you'll turn

out to be.

No stamina and no uniform.

Come on, let's hear it.

What's your excuse, buddy?

Eh, you can serve your country without being in uniform, you know. Yeah, behind

a desk.

Can't fight.

Can't drink.

Can't drink? I could drink you under the bloody table, mate.

Take it steady, Gary, then.

Oh, don't you worry, Rose. This won't take long.

Ready?

Oh, come on, Joe.

We don't just sit behind

desks, you know.

Oh, no, no, no.

No.

Reconnaissance. Aerial photos.

Dropped behind enemy lines.

Very secret.

Sure sounds like daredevil stuff.

We're in.

Yep, I really admire you guys in the Secret Service.

Me too.

Bulldog breed.

Yeah. Woof, woof.

There's a few.

That's who we are, mate.

We are the few.

And I'll tell you something.

There's thousands of us.

We just don't make a big song or dance about it. Song or dance.

Good idea.

And you talk about flying.

I've done flying, mate.

Flack to the left of me. Flack to the right of me.

And I just laughed.

Flack you for it, subtle.

I've done all that.

I'd be proud to have you in my air crew, pal.

That's for sure.

Thank you very much.

The

Secret

Service.

That's what we are.

To our boys.

It must be.

Oh.

I'm going to have a little sit on the floor.

Oh.

God, I feel terrible.

No kidding.

Oh.

Oh, I've got this terrible groaning in my gout.

It's like I'm in some old crock of a plane.

Sure is an old crock.

And here's a bigger problem.

We've had our landing gear and part of the tailplane shot away.

Where am I?

And what's going on?

Where?

Lancaster bomber kind of shot up over the English Channel.

What's going on?

I'm deciding whether to ditch it into the sea.

What? Now, I seem to recall you telling me you've done your share of flying,

yeah? So I guess you know how to use a parachute.

No.

Yeah, well, it doesn't matter much, because we don't have one for you.

We're going to borrow someone else's?

Navigator and rear gun are already bailed out, and we don't bring a co

on.

Fact is, I took off with only half a crew aboard.

For some reason, it's tough to find guys who'll fly with me. Can't figure it

out.

You Gary, right?

Plane! Plane!

Like your English girls say, drop them and run.

It's not a fun ending, just a bad night. Bring back old memories, you know?

Reconnaissance. All those secret sorties you made.

We caught some heavy flack, though.

Didn't expect that.

Hey, I'll bet you'll remember this night. Something to tell your new wife

eh?

Rabbit's foot.

So, choices.

You can use my chute or stick with me in the plane.

Well, it looks kind of chilly down there.

And wet.

I think I'll stay inside.

Well, can't you just fly it back to the airport thingy?

I'm dreaming.

I'm dreaming this.

Oh,

I should never mix my drinks.

Well, this is going to be a lesson for me in the future.

Oh, I better feel terrible when I wake up.

Do you think anyone heard that? Who knows?

Well, aren't we supposed to have flares or something?

Sure.

Only problem is we're closer to France than to England, and the tide's taking

further in.

Use the flares, anyone could pick us up.

The Germans?

Good guess.

A prisoner of war?

No, I can't.

I can't be a prisoner of war.

I haven't got the inner resources for it. Well, first thing, Gare, you're

paddling the wrong way.

Second thing, they won't make you a prisoner of war.

You're in civvies.

They'll assume you're a spy.

Then shoot me.

No, no, no, not right away, no.

A bit of torture is traditional, you know?

Wringing the secrets from the mangled flesh.

Then they'd shoot you.

They mustn't.

No, they mustn't shoot me.

I haven't been born yet.

But, I mean, there's still a chance, isn't there? I mean, to us getting

50 -50, I'd say. It all depends on whether that's one of ours.

What? What? What's one of ours?

That.

If I was to tell you what's just happened to me... If I was to tell you

going to happen to me later on today... I'm never going to drink again.

I'm never going to fly again.

And I'm never going to get married again.

Married. I'm getting married.

Sit me down.

Gary, haven't you got to get to the shop?

I have had the best sleep of my life.

You may sneer.

Holistic therapy is the way forward.

It's a new start.

It's just what we need. Like being married for the first time.

Gary?

Gary? I've got to go.

I'm seeing two masseurs and a man with wooden balls.

You're out for the count, aren't you?

You've been so tired lately.

Let's switch this off, shall we? Let you sleep.

It's not as if you've got anything special on today.

We talk till we meet tomorrow.