Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart.

All my prayers are for you.

Good night, sweetheart.

I'll be watching over you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the dawn, a new day is born.

How do you feel?

OK.

My side doesn't ache like it did, but then my throat started hurting again,

so... Maybe because my throat started hurting again, it took my mind off my

side, so... I suppose we'll just have to wait until my throat stops hurting

before we know if my side stops hurting, so fingers crossed.

Absolutely.

Gary, you've been here three days now.

Think it might help if you got up for a bit?

Well, I don't want to rush things. I'd hate to have a relapse.

Gary! You've had a cold!

Flu? Oh, come on.

I'd go out of my way to get you an interview with my company.

All you had to do was turn up and the job was as good as yours.

I was taken ill.

I was round at Ron's place and then suddenly I felt really bad.

Was this before the ten pints of lager or after it?

I was ill.

Ron had to put me to bed.

I wanted to go to the interview the next morning, but Ron said I shouldn't. He

said I was not up to it.

What's for tea?

Oh!

We're eating now, are we?

Well... Might manage a bowl of soup.

Right, scotch broth or scotch broth?

Oh, no, I hate scotch broth.

Looks like something that should be on the pavement outside an Indian

restaurant.

I'll have a sandwich.

Great. Now then, downstairs.

You remember downstairs, don't you?

Downstairs there is a big white thing in the corner of the kitchen.

And we call this big white thing a... A fridge.

You shouldn't employ sarcasm in front of a sick person, Yvonne.

All right, I'll make my own sandwich then.

Well, you're going to have to.

Oh, come on, Gary, it's my gym night.

The one night a week where I can get away from this remake of The Secret

No, you'd better go, then.

I'll be all right.

Probably. You'll be OK. Ron's throwing me at work.

He's going to come round tonight, keep you company.

He didn't say anything, did he?

I mean, about me suddenly being taken ill at his house. No, he didn't have

I was too busy telling him off for getting you drunk and making you miss

interview. Because that's what happened, isn't it, Gary?

That's the truth, isn't it?

Well, come on, Yvonne, you know Ron.

We always said that we'd tell each other the truth.

Didn't we, Gary?

I was taken ill.

OK, OK, Ron gave me a couple of brandies. He said it would bring my

down. Oh, and a couple of brandies were followed by another couple of brandies.

Ooh, I'll swing for that man.

He leads you into bad ways. You realise that, don't you, Gary Sparrow?

Chinese, get me a plate.

By the way, normally you don't mind being called a drunken idiot who leads

people from the path of righteousness, if the cap fits and all that.

But next time, I'd like to know what it was I was supposed to have done before I

didn't do it, OK?

Yeah, I couldn't think of what else to say. I knew I'd want to go to the dirt

I missed that interview.

So what were you doing, you know, when I wasn't plying you with brandy and

putting you to bed?

I was at Phoebe's.

Oh, well, as long as it was in a good cause.

You're going to eat an Indian meal and a Chinese meal at the same time?

On the same plate?

It can be done.

Ron, has Stella stopped feeding you?

Last week, in a moment of weakness, I said to Stella that, what with me being

new man now... With me being a new man now, that I would take stock of myself

and reduce my manly figure to the self -dimension that she was... want to know

and love.

I am on a diet.

Well, obviously.

If on any of your time -travelling excursions you come across the guy who

invented lettuce, do me a favour and strangle the git, will you?

Save the world from salad.

And if Stella should ring, I've gone on a cross -country run for charity, all

right?

You, on a cross -country run? I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Anyway, you owe me one.

mindless quiz show aimed at the mentally retarded. Heaven!

Of course, I've had to exist on soup and semolina for days now.

You know, what would happen to being ill and everything?

Yeah, it looks nice.

What is that, some teak? Look, if you want to eat, eat!

Yeah, thanks.

Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah. And he picked up his bed and walked.

You don't know what it's like having to lead a double life all the time.

Having to make up a story as to why you're going somewhere. Having to lie

the time. But you're so good at it.

Yeah, I know that, but screwing my head up.

I mean, because I spent the night with Phoebe and I missed the interview, I had

to pretend to Yvonne that I was ill, which means I've had to be in bed, which

means that when I go to see Phoebe again, I have to think of an excuse to

her.

Oh, that'll be the pizzas.

Be about a tenner, mate.

and I'm sorry I haven't seen you for so long. It's just that... Well, these are

for you.

It's really nice of you.

No,

no, I meant for Phoebe. Where is she? She's not too well.

She's in bed. Touch of the sniffles.

I've taken a few days off to help out.

Oh. Still, we can have a nice little chat, can't we?

Don't often get the chance these days, do we?

Now, sooner do I say hello, you seem to have to dash off somewhere.

I wonder why.

All right, Rich.

What do you want to talk about?

The war? No, everybody talks about that.

Sport? Well, there isn't any sport to speak of, is there?

No, because of the war.

I thought we weren't going to talk about the war.

Sorry, sorry.

Um, films?

No, I don't like films.

Well, except George Formby, of course. No, no, no, let's not talk about films.

What about the weather?

That's always a good one.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

Well, go on, then. You start.

Oh, I...

Looks

a bit grey out.

Does it?

Does it now?

Yes, it's very... grey.

Might be in for a spot of rain, then.

Yes.

The little needle on my barometer never moved when I tapped it this morning.

Oh, sorry.

Really? Why?

It was broken, innit?

No, I'm sorry, Rhett, I can't do this. I've got to see to it.

Enjoyed that.

Boo. I'll know those hands anyway.

Do you play that, Reg?

It's me.

Hey,

you're burning up.

I'm not, you know.

I'm freezing.

Are you taking anything for it?

Well, I'm supposed to take a couple of spoonfuls of that every two hours.

And are you?

Sort of.

And what it's thought of me.

Well, it means sort of, sort of, sort of.

Well,

it smells brilliant and horrible, Gary.

I think it smells nice.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what it smells like. It'll make you better.

Come on, then.

You try it, then.

Oh, OK, if we're going to be childish.

So if I try it, you'll try it, yes?

You promise?

Listen, I'm sorry I haven't been able to see you, but you might have been ill.

What's been the matter with you? Flu.

Well, a cold.

Oh, you poor thing.

No, you're the one who's ill.

But I'll look after you.

I can bring you things that'll make you better. It's just, well, it's difficult

getting away.

Oh, it's all right, Gary.

You come when you can.

I'll be here.

And Gary?

Yeah?

Can I tell you something?

Of course.

I'm not drinking another bloody spoonful of that again.

Oh. Dracula has risen from the grave, don't it? To see you up at last.

Yeah, well, I just fancied a line.

You're going to be late for work.

What's in the bag?

What's in this bag?

Oh, interesting question. Well, there's not a lot in the bag, really, you know.

You are going to be late, you know.

It's just the stuff I took when I was ill, you know, and I thought, well,

as I'm better, I might as well get rid of them. So, this is me.

Getting rid of them.

Gary Sparrow is a new man.

Andy Bone Sparrow is late for work.

Oh, Gary, I'll be late again tonight. I'm going straight to my gym class.

I thought it was just one night a week.

Normally it is in the normal set of circumstances.

It is only one night a week.

Only Terry... Terry?

My personal trainer.

Terry thinks I might benefit from a more intensive workout.

If that's all right with you.

What Terry wants, that's what Terry gets.

Oh, look, Gary.

You're going to be so late, you know.

Ah,

Mr Bamford.

He's not my husband, Dr Stone.

It's all right, he's a friend of the family, isn't that right, Gary?

That's right, yeah, I'm a friend of the family, sort of.

What does sort of mean?

Well, it means sort of, sort of, sort of.

How are you feeling?

Not too bad.

Aches and pains and something.

Right, I'll be off then.

Rest. Goodbye,

friend of the family.

Sort of.

Just a minute.

How is she?

Not good.

Might be pneumonia.

Pneumonia?

But that's treatable. You can treat that, right?

These things have to work their course.

No, penicillin. She needs penicillin.

Come on, I've read up about it. I know it was discovered by them.

By when?

By 1942.

By now.

But penicillin is only an experimental drug.

As far as I know, it's only used by the army to treat certain social diseases.

Social diseases?

Well, you know what soldiers are like.

They're away from home, they meet a pretty girl.

Maybe not such a pretty girl.

Maybe she's quite an ugly girl.

After all, there is a war on.

There's a shortage of everything.

Yeah, I know there's a war on, but you can get some, can't you? I mean, it's

only penicillin.

Like I say, there's a shortage of everything.

Good day.

Would you care to join me?

Remember like the old days.

Well, yeah, I would, only it's my side. Forget it.

Terry says I've got very well -developed calves.

Does he?

Does he now?

Good old Terry.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm just feeling a bit off again, you know, thought I might need a bit of

a pick -me -up.

I thought we were going to see a new, improved Gary Sparrow.

Oh, yeah, you are, you are. Just may take a bit longer than I thought, that's

all.

Mrs Yvonne Sparrow, is it?

Ah.

This is penicillin, isn't it?

You remember?

When you had that infection?

Yes, of course I remember, Gary. It was only last month.

Yeah, but you were really ill, weren't you?

Really, really ill.

Ever so ill. You were really, really ill. Don't you find it so amusing, Gary?

I'll try and have another life -threatening illness sometime.

No, no, you're missing the point. All I'm saying is you took these and they

you better, right?

I'm sorry I spoke.

What's this?

Oh, it's the pregnancy testing kit.

I was thinking of taking it on to the Antiques Roadshow.

Derry, is your underwear too tight?

Er, well, I don't know. I suppose it... What?

Only Derry says it's a possible reason.

Well, you know, for a low sperm count.

I haven't got a low sperm count.

I have got a great sperm count.

Arthur, if you added them all up, you'd probably find I was well above average.

In fact, as sperm counts go, I think I'm up there with the best of them. Top of

the league.

Well, from where I'm sitting, you're struggling against relegation.

If these things happen, they happen, right?

Oh, Gary, let's stay in tonight, eh?

Just the two of us. We could open a bottle of wine.

Ah, um, bit of a problem there. Only you're going out.

Well, it's with Ron, you know, I promised.

That's me off to the leisure centre, then.

Well, you don't want to overdo it, you know.

I'll be the judge of that.

Sheba? Who's Sheba?

Our red setter.

I didn't know you had a dog.

She's dead.

Look, you wanted Penis Villain, didn't you?

Yeah, I suppose every little help.

Do you know what state the health service was in during the war?

No proper drug, no hospital beds, potpacks everywhere.

Well, thank God we moved on since then, eh?

Now, come on, you're part of the bargain. I got the pills.

Large milkshake, double order French fries, triple quarter pounder with

Did you get them to hold the lettuce?

I got them to hold the lettuce.

My hero.

See?

You can tap it for all it's worth. Doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

Amazing, eh?

Hi, Reg.

Why are you wearing that?

What, this?

I've been whitewashing the cellar.

Well, you've got to keep up appearances, haven't you?

Not now, Reg. I'm going to go and see Phoebe. Where are you?

She's gone, then.

Gone? She took a turn for the worse in the night.

Called Dr Stone. He thought she ought to go into hospital.

Where? Which hospital?

The German hospital.

No, Reg, I'm serious.

Well, I'm serious, too. It's called the German hospital. It's in Dalston.

Look, before the war, there was this hospital called... The German hospital.

Yeah, we'd established it.

And German people used to go there.

But now they're our enemy. We kicked them all out. They used the place for

ourselves.

Not very caring of you.

Well, they started it.

Well, I've got to go and see her. Don't you need to... Well, hold your horses.

Look, it's eight o 'clock.

Visiting hours from two till four.

There's no way you'll be able to see her till tomorrow.

But I can't... Reg.

No, Rich.

Rich.

Rich!

Jerry, I can't do this. I'm not a proper doctor.

I'm not a proper doctor either.

What am I supposed... Sorry?

You were saying?

Doctor? I wasn't saying anything.

I wasn't saying anything.

Doctor.

Gary, it's all right for you. You're used to this cloak and dagger malarkey.

I get found out, I get flung off the force. Listen, Rich.

Phoebe has got to have these. They'll make her better.

But I'm not going to be here all the time, so you'll have to make sure that

takes them, that she's OK.

But, Gary, I can't pretend I'm a... Doctor!

Sorry, it's my first day.

Doctor... Sparrow.

Doctor. Sparrow.

And I say doctor because at the end of the day, when the sun sets and it's come

to the crunch, I am a fully qualified doctor, and that's why they call me Dr

Sparrow. That's good.

That's a speaking voice.

And you are?

P .C. Deadman.

Doctor P .C.

Deadman. And when I say Dr.

Deadman, when the sun sets and it comes to crunch and it's time to go home and

everything, I am, when all's said and done and the baby's been put to bed, I

am... A fully qualified doctor.

I am a fully qualified doctor and all, and that's why I am Dr.

Deadman. And I do.

Gary, I can't go through with this. Reg, please.

Deadman? Yes.

Sorry, it's just the name, Deadman. I mean, Dr.

Deadman.

Hardly likely to give the patients much confidence in you, is it? Excuse me,

nurse?

Williams. Nurse Williams.

Nurse Williams.

Make a note of that, will you, Dr. Sparrow?

Yes, yes, I certainly will.

Dr. Deadman?

Sorry, I didn't mean to. Deadman.

That has been my family name for generations.

My dad was called Deadman.

His dad was called Deadman. His dad's dad was called Deadman. Not that I know,

but I would say it's a pretty fair bet that his dad's dad's dad was called

Deadman. I mean, it's great, isn't it? Got me and my mate here.

Colleague. Colleague sounds better than mate.

Got me and my colleague running about all over the shop, working all hours,

healing the sick, doling out medicine, and you start casting aspersions on my

family name.

Sorry, I wasn't thinking.

No, you weren't, were you, my girl?

Just... Mind how you go.

Dr. Deadman.

Dr. Sparrow.

I think I'll get any hang of this, Dr. Lark.

Yes, but we might be in with a chance if you stop saluting people.

Oh, my God.

That's Dr. Stone.

He's Phoebe's doctor. He knows me. He knows I'm not a proper doctor.

All right, Reg. All right, don't panic. Get in there, now.

You knew?

Knew you weren't who you're pretending to be.

Ah. Come on, old chap, you're not just some Johnny off the street, are you?

I beg your pardon?

You're one of us, aren't you?

Oh, it's very hush -hush. Ah, thought so.

Where'd you train?

Where did I train?

Vienna.

Me too.

The Spielberg Institute.

Me too.

I trained at the Spielbergs.

You bloody well would have.

Professor Learman.

Professor Learman.

What a character.

Oh, Professor Learman. Professor Learman, yes.

When you were there, did he still ride his bicycle?

Couldn't keep him off it. Couldn't keep him off it. And the hat. The hat he used

to wear. You know, the one with the antlers. The other one. Yabble, yabble,

yabble, yabble, yabble.

Professor Lehman McCarthy.

Yeah, I wonder what happened to him. He's probably in a mental health.

Probably. He was clinically insane.

Bit of a handicap for a doctor, really.

Happy days, eh?

Happy days indeed.

And do you know what I miss most about them?

I miss the...

Girls, they were so pretty.

Well, some of them weren't so pretty.

Some of them were rather plain. In fact, some of them were quite ugly.

But they were girls all the same.

Even if they were really, really hideous.

Phoebe.

Phoebe? It's me, Gary.

Gary.

How's your curls?

Warm, that's the secret. This place is freezing.

You wrap up, eh?

I'd hate to lose you, you know.

Nobody is going to lose anybody.

Now, Phoebe, listen. This is important.

I want you to take a couple of these three times a day.

They'll make you better, I promise.

You swear?

I swear.

Because you never lie, do you, Gary?

I try not to, Phoebe. I really do.

Here.

Highly unethical, wouldn't you say?

I'm sorry. After all, she is my patient.

Yes, I know that.

Good God, man.

You can't dish these out like sweets.

Look, I don't want her to die.

We're doctors. We don't want anybody to die.

Don't leave it to me.

I'll see that she takes them.

Can you do a push -up for me?

I'll stay if you want.

I don't have to go.

No, just toddle off and enjoy yourself.

Work those pecs.

That's what they call them, isn't it? Pecs.

I'll see you on Gladiators.

Bye.

Gary, let's talk.

Well, I'm in a bit of a roto. Please sit down and meet Ron for a drink. I want

to talk.

I need to talk.

Yeah, OK, OK. I'm seeing somebody else.

Only could you make it quick, cos I've got to be in the house.

You're seeing somebody else?

You're having an affair?

Yvonne, how could you?

Yvonne, I'm sorry. Don't, don't be nice.

It makes it worse.

I'm just trying to say... Oh, I know, yeah, Mr Perfect, who never puts a foot

wrong.

Well, you don't know what it's like.

Because these things happen sometimes and you just can't help it.

Yes, I suppose so. And I say a fair, but all we've done so far is hold hands in

a restaurant.

And this is with this Terry, is it?

Yeah, I can just imagine.

Six foot six, a blonde, rippling muscle.

He's nothing like that.

Well, yeah, he is, actually.

With a brain the size of a walnut.

Oh, well, at least he shows an interest in me, which is more than you do.

Half the time it seems that you can't wait for me to walk out of that door.

You couldn't care less if I was here or not, could you? Hey, hey, come on.

Was it serious?

This thing between you and Mastermind?

I told him it was over last night.

I just wanted to talk about it.

Confess, I suppose.

Because we always said, didn't we, that if one of us felt tempted that we'd tell

the other person.

that we would always tell the truth to each other.

Yeah.

And that's why I'm telling you now.

And I just want you to know that I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, you don't have to go on about it. Yes, I do.

I nearly betrayed you, Gary.

Made a mockery of our marriage vows.

Yeah, but it's not all your fault. I mean, I'm to blame as well.

You're not mad at me?

No.

I'm so sorry.

Please, don't be nice.

It makes it worse.

Let's stay in here.

Just the two of us.

And let's go away for the weekend.

Or let's just get in the car tomorrow morning and drive. What do you say?

well, if all... Gary!

I need to be with you.

Yeah, OK, OK.

It's OK.

It's OK.

Phoebe, thank God.

What do you mean?

Popped out to use the lav.

He's blowing a gale down that corridor and freezing.

Yeah, he must be. Come on, into bed.

Whoopsie. Been at the gin again, have we?

There you go.

Listen, I'm sorry I haven't been for a couple of days. It's just a friend of

mine was taken ill, so she... He, um... I had to look after him.

Probably caught you cold.

Yeah.

Yeah, those pills you gave to Dr Stone, they work wonders.

Well, as soon as he managed to get the lid off... What were they called again?

Penicillin. Everyone will be taking them soon.

Gary. What?

That bottle of pills.

Yeah, what about it?

There was a woman's name on the label.

I want to know the truth.

Don't lie to me. Who is she?

The truth?

The truth is... Gary, I want to know who she is.

Gary? Who the bloody hell is Sheba?

Who?

Don't give me that.

Sheba, who is she?

Sheba?

Is she your bit on the side?

Shebe, hand on heart, Sheba is not my bit on the side.

You're not lying?

I am not lying.

Good.

Because we always promised to tell each other the truth.

I'd hate to think you were two -timing me.

Yeah.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't pretend to be somebody I'm not.

No more lies, Gary.

Phoebe, listen.

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm a time traveller.

I live in 1996 and I've got a wife called Yvonne.

Phoebe?

Good night, sweetheart.