Original subtitles

Good night, sweetheart.

All my prayers are for you.

Good night, sweetheart.

I'll be watching over you.

Tears and cutting may make us alone.

But with the dawn, a new day is born.

Here.

Whatever you do, haggle with him.

See this?

1939 teapot.

Mass produced to replace all the aluminium ones given up for the war

Mint condition.

He let me have it for 100 quid.

That's 20 quid and a catalogue.

Do you know what that guy just sold me?

That I'd undercharged him on account of that teapot being rarer than wedding

tackle on an action man.

That was the gist, yeah.

I got another 20 of these.

They cost me the equivalent of £4 .57p.

If I charged more than 100 quid, I couldn't sleep nights.

There's not much wrong with your life, is there? Well, if there is wrong, I

can't find it.

It's 9 .30 in the morning.

Personal tragedy has no timetable.

Your marriage still a war zone.

I'm expecting Kate Adie any day.

Sex thing still a problem, is it? Amongst other things, I know my attitude

things carnal is a little conservative, but I'm the product of a strict Catholic

schooling. Sister Conceptor wielded that rosary like a cat o' nine tails.

If you saw your hand going into your pocket, it had better be for your hanky.

Have you tried softening Stella up with little treats?

You know, surprise nights out.

Nothing will win her round.

Been to the pictures.

I arranged an intimate meal for two.

We are talking about a proper meal here, aren't we? Not a KFC bargain bucket.

There's a poker Italian restaurant.

Candles. Knives, forks, the work.

Have you ever considered there might be another man?

Yeah, like who?

Someone at work.

A boss.

You know, maybe.

Authority can be a powerful aphrodisiac. Ken's no threat. He's a social worker.

So? So he's a motorway -hating, politically correct, eco -friendly tree

You can't just dismiss people as stereotypes. He wants Baywatch banned.

Yeah, he's no threat, is he?

Come on, pal.

I tell you, pal, I'm getting so desperate, I'm even thinking of asking

advice. Yeah, well, you could do worse than come to me, you know?

Coping with two women has made me... I don't want to use the word expert.

Oh, I think you do.

No, that's not fair.

Yes, I keep two gorgeous women, happy and contented in every respect.

But I've never let that go to my head.

I needed a mug. It was the last one in the shop.

But what am I apologising for?

Yes, I am rather pleased with myself at the moment. Can you blame me?

I've got the gift of time travel, a lucrative business and the love of two

terrific women.

If I can't be a little bit cocky, who the hell can?

Fair enough, maestro.

Lay your words of wisdom on me.

Well, ask yourself why Phoebe and Yvonne are both in love with me.

Well, it's wartime where Phoebe is, so in her case, shell shock's an option.

It's because I'm exciting.

Yeah, right.

Yeah. Well, them not being absolutely sure where I am all the time gives me an

air of mystery.

You should take a leaf out of my book, you know.

You should stay out all night.

Get her guessing.

She'll miss you.

She'll realise how much she needs you. She'll fall into your arms.

Everything's tickety -boo.

That's a guarantee, is it?

Take it from one who knows, eh?

I'll choose.

Albert! Albert!

He's got a two -leg, a glass eye and a metal hook where his right hand ought to

be. Well, he may not be much got while he's alive, but when he snuffs it, I can

flog him for scrap.

Oh, do you want another drink?

Have you seen the time?

Oh, blimey, I better get this lot out.

Or shall I tell Albert to hang around for you?

Time, gentlemen, please.

Come on.

Laying on clothing, I told you, didn't I?

Hi. Hi.

Can I have your glasses, please?

Oh, come on. Summing up? No. Why should there be? You know Violet, don't you?

Oh, yes, yes. You go out with the tank driver.

And the submariner.

The Canadian sergeant, the ACAC gunner, and the able seaman.

You remember them better than I do.

It's not my fault. As quick as I find them, they get posted overseas.

Sure they don't volunteer.

What are you doing down there? Building a model for his little boy's birthday.

Didn't know he had a little boy.

No, but it is his wife. That's why he's building it here.

Carrie?

I didn't know he had it in him. Nought had rest till the other week.

Carrie?

Keep it to yourself, won't you, Vi?

Evening, Matt. Evening, all.

Sorry about the noise.

Bet you thought we had mice.

Yes. Yes, I heard the hammering and the soaring. I immediately suspected

rodents.

Well, they did build the pyramids, you know.

So, what did you decide to make little Frankie?

Oh, it's all right, Reg.

We told Violet about your nephew.

Oh, nephew.

Right.

So, what are you making him?

Well, I thought I'd make more nephew.

A scale model of Buckingham Palace.

Well, wouldn't it be something special? After all, I am his dad.

Uncle. Uncle!

Uncle! Uncle!

I think she noticed.

Oh, not for a second.

Reg, you've only got five days, and Buckingham Palace has got over 600

Better get cracking, then.

No, no, Reg, I think you're being too ambitious. Try something simpler.

Something a little boy would like to play with. What did you play with when

were five?

Coal.

Coal?

Were you very poor?

Do you think if we'd have been poor, there'd have been spare coal for the

of me to play with?

Help me.

Oh, build them a fort. All little boys love forts.

Come on, Reg.

You can think about it as you walk us through the blackout.

Now, now, Violet Bigby.

I'm a married man, remember?

Well,

I'll start collecting the glasses, shall I? Oh, don't put yourself out.

Thanks for coming, Violet. It's been a real tonic.

Reg, has Phoebe got the hunt with me? Probably time in a month.

No, I don't think it's that.

Oh, I think it is. Used to get her dad the same.

No, you mean her mum?

No, don't think her mum ever did the monthly accounts.

Night, Reg.

Night, Gary.

Night, Reg.

Night, Phoebe.

Hey, I said I'd do that. Yeah, and I told you not to bother.

Phoebe, why are you being so short with me?

How would you describe the way we are together?

Our relationship?

Deep, tender, unique.

So the words bloody awful don't spring to mind?

No. What's brought all this on?

Well, Gary, when we first started seeing each other, you used to bring me

presents. You used to take me out. You courted me. You romanced me.

Now you treat me as a convenience. In fact, Gary, the only reason why you

showing up here is for a bit of the other.

That is not true. Oh, no? So why else do you bother showing up here two minutes

before closing?

Actually, I popped in to tell you that because it was so late, I wouldn't be

coming in tonight.

Because otherwise it would look like I was only coming around for one thing.

So you popped in to tell me you wouldn't be popping in?

Yes. I know it sounds strange.

Except to someone who knows and loves me.

Right, well, now you've told me.

Bye -bye.

Well, it seems a bit silly to go now I'm here. Oh, God, you've gone just like

Donald. He couldn't do enough of me on my honeymoon. Then as soon as we got

home, it was, where's my dinner? And a quick fumble on Christmases and

birthdays. Well, I'm not going to put up with it from you, Gary.

Well, I still bring you things.

Look, a pound of streaky and half a dozen eggs.

Oh, look.

gone and brought your own breakfast and all, eh?

Well, I'm sorry, Gary, but the hotel's closed for tonight.

Condition? Well, you could have phoned.

Oh, Gary, pour me a drink. My heart's doing cartwheels.

And what are you going to do with this? Give me a nasty polish?

Yvonne, you're happy with things, aren't you?

Hmm?

I said, you're happy? Yeah.

Good, good.

Really happy?

I just said so, didn't I?

Well, how happy, exactly?

I'm fabulously happy.

Stupendously happy. I breathe happy air. I swim in lake happy. I am happy.

Sorry, I just needed to be sure you were happy with us.

Oh, with us?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought it was a general question.

Well, that makes a difference, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Come on, then. Give it to me.

How can I be happy with something that doesn't exist?

You have your shop, I have my career. We lead separate lives.

I wish we could be more together, but you don't seem to have the time.

OK, so our social life isn't... Precisely, Gary. My social life is a

Yours, who knows?

But ours isn't.

A blast?

Your social life is a blast?

Are you saying you go out with other people?

No, dearest.

While you're out four nights a week, I sit down in your socks whilst keeping a

welcoming light burning in the window.

Yes! Real Gary.

There isn't a nightclub within a ten mile radius that hasn't got Yvonne

on its membership.

So where did you go then?

Friends.

Look.

Here's us at the opening night of the Cobra Room.

And there we are at Club Indigo, you see.

That's me.

I don't know any of these people.

Well, I met most of them at Steve and Chris's wedding.

I was at Steve and Chris's wedding. Only up until the vicar pronounced them man

and wife.

Then you were raping them back down the aisle to go after some collector's fair

in Frankfurt or wherever.

This is incredible.

You have a secret life too.

It's too amazing for words, isn't it?

No, it's not amazing, Gareth.

It's just very sad.

Look, maybe I've been deluding myself.

But things are going to change.

For a start, you and me are going to be us again.

We're going to be a real couple. We'll be linked together like Romeo and

Richard and Judy, Adolf and Eva.

Yeah, well, maybe not Richard and Judy.

Let's have a party.

Celebrate the new us. Gary, you're no good at giving parties.

Just as we get going, you insist on playing blind lemon meringue blues

or some other rubbish.

Everybody gets fed up and they all go down the pub.

OK, I promise not to interfere with the music till the pubs are shut.

Oh, come on!

You can invite all your new nightclub friends.

I do know you're married, I suppose.

Yvonne?

Good morning. Good morning.

Special delivery.

Mark the 15th in your diary. Yvonne and I are having a party.

Yeah? Oh, great.

You sound happier today.

Oh, that's because I'm expecting an upturn in the state of my marriage.

Took your advice, maestro.

Stayed out the whole of last night.

You listen to me. Well, as you so eloquently pointed out, I'd be a fool to

ignore the advice of the man who has two happy women in his life. Yeah, Ron,

I... I thought you'd have come skulking back here by now. Where have you been

all night?

Out.

You miss me?

Like the nation misses smallpox.

In fact, not having you around made me realise just how much you irritate me

when you are there.

So if there's any chance of you staying out again, I'd be grateful.

It's not quite what you said would happen.

A hell of a right hand on her for someone in a caring profession.

What can I say? I was arrogant. I was wrong.

I've suffered by my own hands as well, you know.

Thanks to my conceit, both Yvonne and Phoebe are very fed up with me.

I know that's no consolation to you because you're not an indicative man.

Oh, how little you know me.

Come on, Ron, we're in the same boat now. We should be supporting each other

here. God, you're pathetic. You want support because you've got a couple of

birds who are fed up with you. Very fed up. Yeah, and are you born?

Can you imagine the pain you feel when your wife turns round and tells you that

every orgasm she's ever had was faked?

Stella told you that?

I didn't mention Stella's name. I just said, could you imagine?

Oh, no, I'm really sorry. Look, she didn't say it, all right? I was speaking

hypothetically. No,

I just meant about the bad advice.

Oh.

Well, so you should be.

I know that fed up doesn't sound very much, but these things are multiplied

tenfold when you're a... An adulterer?

That wasn't the word I was going to use.

Two -timing skunk?

Philandering lowlife?

Womanising? Yes, thank you.

But the only way I could live with the guilt was by believing that at least

were both happy.

Now I can feel the guilt piling up on me again.

Have you got any more scotch left in that hip flask?

I think things have moved on since then.

Ah, good man.

I was reading an article the other day.

Apparently Professor Stephen Hawking, you know, the chap who wrote Brief

of Time. Yeah, I read it.

Well, I bought it.

Well, he now believes that time travel may be possible.

Big news, eh?

Cheers. Cheers.

Yeah, you have to combine Einstein's general theory of relativity with

theory, and have an energy supply greater than anything currently known or

envisaged, and Bob's your uncle.

I thought, well, that's the easy bit. Now explain why time travel gives me

Well, that's the thing with scientists and inventors, isn't it? They never take

into account the human aspects.

I mean, nobody could have legislated for road rage when they jumped up the car.

The creator of the typewriter never considered repetitive strain injury.

And who could have envisaged the cold sweats and tightening of the chest

by Velcro?

It's a personal thing.

Job!

Hello there.

Just thought I'd get in a quick five minutes on my nephew's fort.

How's it going?

I'm in a bit of a pickle with a flagpole. Get it up. I just can't keep

Here's something that may just help you.

Super glue.

Now, giving you that could be the biggest mistake since Old Mar Thornby

George his first banjo.

Now, I want you to promise to be careful with it. It's very powerful stuff.

I don't want to come back and find you've glued your knees together.

Message received and understood.

It's one of your secret contraptions, is it?

Definitely, yeah. Looks a bit gummed up.

Reg, Reg, that's not being careful.

Thanks, Phoebe.

Got a surprise for her.

Thought I'd take her up west.

Oh, dear.

I'm afraid you're out of luck. She's already gone out. You should have told

you were going to surprise her.

Well, where's she gone? She's gone out to Palli di Danza with young Violet.

Flirty something Violet?

Violet, I've had more men under me than Montgomery Bigby.

You'd better get going, then.

Don't let anybody else see that glue. You can rely on me.

Gary?

Thanks very much.

Whoops!

Well, this is a surprise.

Obviously. Well, who's this, then? Her boyfriend.

Would you excuse us?

You've got no right to follow me here. I have every right.

You said you wanted me to take you out more, so I made arrangements for a nice

romantic evening, only to find you're already out on the town with Biggles.

Oh, and what am I supposed to do?

Sitting up, I'm waiting for you to decide to turn up. Look, I told you

Gary Sparrow, I am not there for your convenience.

All right, come on, let's forget it. I'll buy you a drink. No, I am with

Phoebe, what's going on?

Are you blowing me up?

What? Are you giving me the brush off?

No.

No, Gary, don't be silly. Look, there's just a couple of flyboys a long way from

home. They're going on a dangerous bombing mission tomorrow. They just want

bit of company.

I'll bet.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you take your partners for a ballet guide?

We run straight into a solid lump of blitz.

Not only that, but it's black everywhere.

And my starboard fan's about to pack up.

And of course, as you can imagine, everyone's in a right two and eight.

I thought to myself, Tom, I thought, you've got to get cracking here, old

So, I caught screws off Paul and give Darry here, who's our tail end Charlie,

clear shot at half a dozen Messerschmitts.

Well, with one quick squirt, he's hit all six of them.

Then, I looped under the flak, dropped our load.

Bang on, Target.

We're back over to Whitecliff in time for bread and jam.

Aren't they brave, Steve?

Yeah, ever so.

Oh, no. It's not a question of being brave, girls. It's just a job that's got

be done.

Too right, old son. Well, I still think it's brave.

Ladies and gentlemen, the anniversary of our... Excuse us a minute while we

pound through our notes. Come on, Steve.

Won't be long, boy.

I'm sorry to write you out, right, but you don't have a chance, will you, do

you? It's a uniform, you see.

They always go for the blokes in uniform, don't they?

How do you work your ticket, eh?

Flat feet, was it?

Well, it wasn't because he was overweight, was it? I mean, look at him.

seen more meat on the ration.

Actually, I am involved in war work.

Intelligence. Oh, no.

He's a pen pusher, isn't he, Harry?

It's very interesting.

We're taught to be observant.

You can learn a lot about people by observing them.

Really?

Shall I tell you what I've observed about you two? Oh, yeah, do. Go on.

The insignia on your uniform, which tells me, despite all the fanciful

you're just a couple of irks.

Leading aircraftmen.

The only chance you'd have of flying would be if an aircraft took off while

were checking its tyres and you got your braces caught in the undercarriage.

Don't need to broadcast it, is there?

No. No, I'm sure your CO would take a very dim view if he found out.

All right.

You've made your point.

Look, mate, if we just clear out of here, we say no more about it, eh?

Oh, I think I could live with that, mate.

Come on.

Where did Boris go?

Oh, they had to get back to base.

You know how it is. A war hero's work is never done.

Whatever you've done, Gary Sparrow.

Will Violet be very disappointed?

Oh, if that violet will even notice.

Well, seeing as we're alone, would you like a dance?

Might as well.

Seeing as all the decent loads have been taken.

You know those two airmen were just spinning you a line, don't you?

Of course, Gary.

Besides, they were never going to fool us with vile, intimate knowledge of

military badges.

So why did you stay with them?

To make me jealous?

No, Gary.

Just to teach you that you're not the only bloke on God's earth.

I'm sorry if I overreacted. It's just why I had this evening all planned out.

What were your plans exactly?

The movies.

Supper at a West End hotel.

Then... Oh, let me guess, eh?

Then back to my place for a few hours under the eiderdown before you have to

dash off again.

Didn't you listen to what I said the other night, Gary?

Just flushing your money about won't fix it. If you're going to take me out,

Gary, you do it because you want to be with me.

Not as a bribe for you -know -what.

As I was saying, after supper, I thought we could take a taxi and a bottle of

champagne to the top of Highgate Hill.

Where we could just sit and chat and watch the dawn come up over London.

In February.

I am trying, Phoebe.

And I did listen to what you said the other day. And I promise you things will

go back to the way they were between us.

I don't know, maybe I've just been too complacent towards the women in my life.

The women?

Yeah, I forgot my aunt's birthday the other day as well.

And now, by special request, another...

I can't do it again. I looked like a dying duck in a thunderstorm last time.

Oh, stop moaning.

I don't suppose you know the birdie dance, do you?

Reg? I think I've developed a bunion now.

Oh, you found each other then.

Good news this end.

I've finished little Frankie's fort.

Would you like to see it?

Ta -da!

Reg, it's... It's good.

Well, I wouldn't have started if I hadn't known I could make a good job.

you think I am, stupid?

Right, I'd better be off.

Here's your stupid glue.

Oh, right.

No more little accidents.

Well, it could have been a nasty moment when I went to the toilet, but I was

extra careful.

Night, all.

Night, Reg.

Well,

I suppose I'd better be going, too.

Wouldn't want you to think I was hanging around with any ulterior motive.

No, it's all right. I want you to stay.

I've got a couple of hours to kill before I'm on duty with the WVS.

Oh, I see.

So it's all right for you to use me at your convenience?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, come on then, Gary.

Help yourself to some food in the kitchen.

That's a great costume, isn't it? I know, some people really make the

don't they? Yeah.

Well, I bet you can't be bothered.

Oh, you did know it was a fancy dress party, didn't you, Ron?

I'm in fancy dress.

I'm Saddam Hussein.

Granted, my ensemble has lost some of its mystique since my false moustache

down the toilet.

So where's my host?

He's still getting changed.

He wants to surprise us all with his costume.

Oh, you're drunk.

Me? Why would I need to get drunk, my sweet, when my life is such a bowl of

cherries?

Ta -da!

Good, eh?

You're ridiculous.

Who the hell are you supposed to be?

Well, can't anyone guess?

You're Robin Hood.

Green tunic hanging up in her wardrobe, so I just naturally assumed that... Best

laid plans, eh?

I mean, you know, Robin Hood, Maid Marian, we're one of life's all -time

couples. That's why I wanted all these people to see us.

Your right breast has slipped.

Ron!

Oh, Ron.

Gary, this is Stella's boss, Ken.

Remember me telling you about him.

Oh, the tree. Yeah. Hi.

Nice to meet you. Likewise.

This is my life partner, Gillian. Sorry we're late. We got involved in our

animal welfare work. We're saving whales at the moment. Well, they certainly

need all the help they can get.

Any team that calls up Benny Jones has got to be desperate.

He's a footballer. He plays for Wales. It's a very serious issue, you know.

Yes, I'm sorry.

Oh, you made it, Kent.

Gillian? Oh, I want to introduce you to Yvonne, so come with me.

We'll leave the boys to chat.

Are you ovulating at the moment? Oh, no, my costume's just too tight.

Do you know who I am? Because I am, and I think it's a wonderful time for

Sisters de Bond.

Well, Yvonne knows everyone better than I do.

Feel more like a couple?

Very odd one.

I think my costume's gone down rather well.

A lot of people find it very amusing.

Yeah, well, you certainly got a good laugh when you came out of the toilet

your dress tucked into your box.

Oh,

for God's sake, where's Stella?

I don't know.

Well, you'll have to look after him.

Quick, Gary, before he throws up all over the action instead.

Come on, come on, mate.

Stella, can you feel?

Yes, yes, come on, give me a nice drop of fresh air.

Oh, no, it's too crowded. out here. Let's go inside.

No, it's not. Look, you're the only two out here except for Ken and Stella.

Yeah,

you're right. It's like Piccadilly Circus. Come on, mate. He's snogging my

witch.

Ron, Ron, no!

You're not Stella.

Meat eater.

Oh, I don't understand.

Well, we swapped costumes because mine was too tight, you idiot.

Good night, sweetheart, till we meet

tomorrow.