Original subtitles

Good night, sweet heart.

All my prayers are for you.

Good night, sweet heart.

I'll be watching over you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the dawn, a new day is born.

proposals of the 18th of November would be tantamount to aiding and abetting

Japan in her efforts to create a Japanese hegemony over the Western

Mr. Corder.

Sounds bad, doesn't it?

Sounds like me. I didn't understand half of what that bloke said.

Well, it's obvious, isn't it? The nips are up to no good and the Yankees are

firing a shot across their bows.

Yeah, but what did hegemony mean and tantamount?

Well, your tantamount, it's, uh...

Um... Gary would know what it means.

Yeah, I know.

I bet he stayed on at school past 14, did Gary?

Never so worried about him, Red. It's been ages.

Well, he's out east. He can't just pick up the blower, can he? Yeah, but you'd

think he'd get me a message somehow. I mean...

Well, I mean, suppose he's been taken prisoner by the Japs. We're not at war

with Japan.

Yet. I mean, it doesn't mean we can trust them, though.

You've got a point there, Phoebe.

Very wily, your Oriental. Do you know, back in 38, I went to have a look at a

second -hand Bullnose Morris being sold by this chinky chap who had a pigtail

over Limehouse.

Well, it looked nice and clean, but I couldn't get it started, no matter how

many times I cranked the handle.

Well, Pigtail said the battery was probably just flat, because it had only

used by his granny to go down the Buddhist temple every Sunday.

It sounded reasonable to me, so I paid him, I got in, he gave me a shove and

I sailed.

And what, the engine caught?

No, I was caught.

He lived on the top of a hill, see?

When I got to the bottom, it ground to a halt. So I got out, got under, had a

quick shifty under the bonnet to see what was wrong.

And?

Didn't have an engine, did it?

Which just goes to prove, never trust a chink.

Rich, the Chinese are already fighting against the Japs.

Lummi, you're right.

He must have been a Jap disguised as a chink.

I told you they were cunning.

What is the moral of this story, Reg?

Gary will be all right out in Japan for long as he don't buy a second -hand

motor car.

Don't be daft, you Japanese. Couldn't make a motor car to save his life.

Don't you fret, Phoebe girl.

Gary Sparrow's waters run deep.

I beg your pardon?

He's an experienced, highly trained secret agent.

Those Orientals won't put one over him in a hurry.

Listen to this. What?

I ordered spare ribs, sweet and sour chicken and a special fried rice and

they've given me... I don't know what that's supposed to be.

Dice running shoes in wallpaper paste, by the way.

Well, it's fine.

No, I'm sorry. I was really looking forward to those spare ribs. I'm not

to let it rest there. What are you going to do? Speak to your MP?

Yeah, hello. I was in five minutes ago. You gave me the wrong takeaway.

Well, I wanted a 7, a 13 and a 21 and you've given me a...

A nine, a 46 and a 63.

What?

No, calm down.

It's got nothing to do with the national lottery.

I just want... I'll forget it.

What are you doing?

Oh, defrost a pizza or something.

No, we can't afford to waste food. We agreed to try and cut down. Come on, the

tonne's arrived.

Yvonne, I've had a hard day on the print.

I had to carry 200 boxes of scratch cards up five flights of stairs this

afternoon. Go on, rub it in. Well, I'm unemployed and unemployable. I don't

why you bother with me. I'm just a dead lot.

Don't be silly. That's right, you think I'm stupid.

Everyone thinks I'm stupid. That's why I'm on the scrap heap.

You've only been redundant a fort, mate.

Look, you'll get a job. It's because we're coming up to Christmas.

No -one takes on people before Christmas.

They don't want some new recruit buggering up the seating plan at their

dinner.

Maybe we should call off the ski trip.

Well, if you want to, I mean, we'd save a fortune.

But we've paid him full. We'd forfeit at least half.

Well, not if you had a medical certificate.

We could easily kid the doctor you're depressed.

I am depressed.

Well, there you are then.

Yeah, but I'd be even more depressed if we had to stay in England.

Oh, look, everything's going to be all right. I'll look after you.

Oh, Gary, I'm so lucky to have you.

You're so depressed. Dependable and straightforward.

Oh, hang the expense. Let's have that pizza. No, no, it's all right. I'll have

some cornflakes or something. I'll just... Yes!

That's enough! Unbelievable!

Yep, looks like you're about to rediscover the magical gateway to those

yore.

Days of my what?

Yes. Hello.

I'm Jane Mansfield, from Plath Hill and McGoldwood.

Oh,

you've hurt your hand.

No, it's nothing.

Did you say Jane Mansfield?

I was Jane Cooper before I got married, but what was I to do when Tim Mansfield

proposed?

Turn him down because it would give overweight Northerners a cheap laugh.

Sorry.

Of course, if I'd known he was going to turn out to be a two -timing louse, I

wouldn't have bothered.

Any chance we'll look round?

Of course.

Follow me.

Nice leg.

Now, look, do you know what we've got to do?

Of course.

Keep her occupied with light -hearted banter and diverting badinage.

here at the moment, but each unit will have a toilet, a washroom, a

fully fitted out.

How about a shower?

You're a fast worker.

No, I meant it.

And, of course, there's access to the rear loading area.

Ah, mind if I have a look? Rear access is very important.

I couldn't look for more.

If it's all the same to you, I'd rather do it on my own.

Well, if you're sure that's the way you prefer to do it.

Well, I find it helps me see the full potential.

all these units available.

Only I've been thinking of expanding my business operations into these then.

Of course, eventually I realised that investing in new premises was the fast

lane to business success.

Well?

It's nice, but it's a bit on the small side.

Perhaps I could have a look next door? They're all the same size.

Yeah, but feel is very important, don't you think?

Oh, perhaps.

Feel is everything.

You know, it's incredible to think that just a few short years ago I started my

printing empire from a place half this size.

If that.

bit of an ethical dilemma when it comes to French products, what with nuclear

testing. Plus you have to pay extra for the passenger airbag.

I think any car you use requires an airbag.

Feel any different?

It's just giving off the wrong vibrations, do you know what I mean?

Oh, completely.

Vibrations make all the difference.

If I could just have a look at number three.

I can assure you all the units are identical.

It's probably something to do with ley lines.

Well, never let it be said I interfered with... ley lines.

Let me dig.

That is a fascinating ensemble.

What is it?

Cardan or Versace?

Actually, Costello.

Lou or Elvis?

Everyone says she's a genius, but frankly, Vivienne Westwood leaves me

Fantastic. It's perfect. I'll take it.

Really? Oh, great.

I'll just phone in.

Now, how long to do all the paperwork? Because I'm free this afternoon.

Hello, Hector. Jane, I would like to reserve Unit 3 of the plaza for Mr.

You're joking. When?

What?

I'm afraid Unit 3 is already reserved.

How?

Someone called in half an hour ago.

No, no, I've got to have it. Can't you put them off? I mean, there are seven

other perfectly acceptable units.

Identical units, for God's sake.

Mr Sparrow really, really wants unit three. Is there any chance of, um... I'm

afraid the gentleman concerned is rather keen on unit three, too.

Three is his lucky number, and the Chinese hold great store by lucky

The Chinese?

Yes.

It's going to be a takeaway.

Good day at the office, dear.

Well, I had an action -packed day.

I went down to the job centre to see if they had anything for an experienced

personnel manager paying around £25 ,000.

That gave all the staff a good laugh.

And then I went to Prime Slashers because they were having a sale of date

-expired sausages.

Then a woman tried to push in front of me at the checkout.

When I told her off, she was suddenly overcome with trolley rage and tried to

ram me into the pick and mix.

Yes, my hand still hurts if you're interested. It's very painful.

Your hand will get better. My life won't.

Hello?

Who?

Yes, he is. Can you hold on a moment?

Is it Jane Mansfield for you?

Hello, Jane. Yes.

No, no, it's OK. That was only Yvonne.

Yes.

You're kidding.

Oh, that's fantastic!

Thank you. I'll be your slave for life.

How do you pull it off?

Over her head.

No, no, no. Tomorrow's great.

Yeah, well, I'll see you then.

OK. Bye.

Bad news?

Um, well, it's a bit complicated.

Sounds very straightforward to me.

You've met someone called Jane, obviously a bit on the posh side,

voice. Tomorrow you'll leave me, move in with her and become her sex puppet.

You did say slave for life.

It's just a figure of speech.

OK, then, let's hear your version.

Well, she is an estate agent, and today she showed me around a property.

What are you talking about? We can't move.

Doesn't the phrase negative equity ring any bells?

It's a shop for my memorabilia.

Self -employment is the only way forward.

I mean, look at Ron. He's got his own business. He's got a big house, nice

goes out to eat every night, and that's after Stella's given him his dinner.

This is unbelievable.

Look, Yvonne, I don't want to be Ron's gopher for the rest of my life.

I'm doing this for both of us, I promise.

So where is this little girl mine?

Whitechapel. What?

Well, you remember that Indian restaurant I took you to? Gary, what is

obsession with the East End? If you must have a shot, what's wrong with

Cricklewood? Well, the East End's special.

There are all those wartime connotations. You know, the Blitz, the

Cockney London.

There'll be more passing trade.

Oh, yeah, most of it passing on the way to the mosque.

They're hardly going to pop in for an old Vera Lynn album.

I didn't have albums. I was 78.

And how are you going to get there every day? Is this Jane going to show for

you? I've got my bike.

Look, Jane went out on a limb to get me this unit. I can't let her down now, can

I? No?

Then I suppose you'll just have to let your wife down instead.

After all, I'm only Yvonne.

This is fantastic.

How did you get Mr Ming Lee to change his mind?

Oh, I just told him the adjacent unit was being rented by a pet shop

specialising in insects, and if any escaped, the health inspector would be

displeased.

But since three was his lucky number, the landlord had no objection to

the unit from the other end, so number three becomes number six, and vice

And they can do that, can they? Oh, you are brilliant.

Well, I'm an estate agent.

I'll do whatever I have to to close the deal.

Now about the paperwork.

Oh, yes, right.

Well, we can either squat down and do it on this dusty concrete floor, or over a

cosy drink in pleasant surroundings. There's an amusing old pub down the

Royal Oak, ever so quaint. Doubt if it's been decorated since the war.

I'm sure we can find a cosy little corner.

Um, what, now?

Why not?

Well, I'd like to, but I'd just like to start to get a sense of the shop, you

know, start to plan the layout.

If you could just leave the paperwork.

This doesn't sound like you being my slave for life, Gary.

But okay.

I will take a rain check on that drink.

Don't forget to lock up.

Uh, no.

Any chance of a light ale?

Oh, careful.

Sorry, sorry.

Yeah, of course.

I haven't seen you in here for a bit.

You've been drinking somewhere else?

Yeah, the Rising Sun.

It's in Tokyo.

You've really been in Japan?

To you.

Oh, Gary.

Gary, it's beautiful. Beautiful.

Well, all the classy ladies in Japan wear those, so I thought that...

And, uh, here's a little something else to give you a hint of the romantic

orient. Oh, what is it?

Saki. It was a civil question.

No, I'm... No, Phoebe, you don't put... What's that?

Oh, it's, uh, newfangled burn dressing.

Are you all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Harry!

It's just a bit burned.

Sorry, son.

Gary really has been in Japan.

And how did that do you?

We're not even at war with them.

They must have found out you was a piano player. If they thought you was a

footballer, they'd probably broken all your toes.

Reg, don't go on about it. Here, Gary, what's tantamount mean?

Come again?

Come again.

Right.

So, uh, you've got someone visiting round your house, and you like them.

they go, you say, don't be a stranger, tantamount soon.

Forget it.

You're feeling peckish, Gary, because I've got a bit of shepherd's pie left.

Well, I wouldn't say no.

I had to eat raw fish for a fortnight.

Any particular reason?

Well, it's what they eat in Japan.

Gotcha. Mind you, I wouldn't say no to a bit of raw fish myself, because then

I'd get the missus to cook it.

I haven't seen a decent bit of addict.

I'll get back to me dominoes then.

I'm never so worried about you, Carrie.

Look, everything is going to be OK.

You say so.

It doesn't feel OK, though.

It's all so depressing.

In a funny way, it was better when the bombs were falling.

Oh, come off it.

Well, at least then we could stand and watch the dogfights and cheer when one

ours shot down one of theirs.

Now it's all just drudgery, shortages, bad news.

They say Hitler's at the gates of Moscow, and we are getting nowhere fast

North Africa.

I'm sorry to go on like this, but I've had to bottle it all up without you to

talk to.

Still, at least I got you home for Christmas.

Maybe not.

Eh?

I have to go away again.

Skiing.

Singapore.

Oh, no.

Well, we can still have Christmas together.

Oh, yeah, and who's going to look after the pub if I came to Singapore?

No, I mean we can have Christmas early. Next week, say.

Won't be the same.

It'll still be special.

I'll get a turkey. All the trimmings. Oh, where are you going to get a turkey?

I haven't seen a chicken for weeks.

Don't worry.

I won't let you go short. Yeah, I know, but... Gary, how long is this flipping

war going to last?

It'll be different next year. Oh, you said that last year. Next year, the

Americans will be in. Oh, get out of it. People have been going on about the

Americans lending a hand since the war started.

Can't see it myself.

Trust me.

Do you know something, or are you just guessing?

Well, let's just say that when I was in Japan, I wasn't just eating raw fish.

You really think?

Blimey, I hope so.

It'd be ever so nice for you if they do come over here. I mean, you might even

bump into old pals from Hollywood.

You can sit and chew the fat.

And that reminds me, I'd better get that shepherd's pie on to warm. Excuse me.

Yeah, I'll be back in two seconds, Alfred.

to bother your squire, but I've got a vanload of second -hand shelving here,

the chap who was supposed to meet me at the supplier, a tosser by the name of

Gary Sparrow, didn't show up.

And I had to load it on my own. So, if you have a spare truss about the

establishment... Sorry, mate, but I wouldn't be much help with this, would

Where's the van?

Out the back, so if we can utilise the talents of your good hand.

I can't. If I go through the back to help you, I'll just disappear into 1941,

won't I?

I've heard some excuses in my time.

I take it this means you've made contact with Phoebe?

Pleased to see you, was she?

What do you think?

Then how come you're back in 95 before supper time with your clothes not in

apparent disarray?

Because I had to get to the library.

Of course you did. Why?

Because I am having an identity crisis.

So what's new?

No, you see, in ten days' time, the Japanese will attack Pearl Harbour,

Then the Americans will declare war and London will start to fill up with GIs.

Ah, and you're concerned in case the denizen of that mythic city should...

wander into the Royal Oak and start comparing notes.

Exactly. What if some Californian doughboy asked me what street my

on or where I bought my groceries or who was my favourite L .A. Dodgers player?

No, the L .A. Dodgers didn't become the L .A. Dodgers until long after the war.

In 1941, they were still the Brooklyn Dodgers.

Well, there you go. Any questions like that and I'm in deep doo -doo. Actually,

I think you'll find that deep doo -doo is in fact the capital of Doo -Doo

County, Louisiana.

Ron, I'm serious.

If anybody asks you a question you can't answer, do what you always do. Hide

behind the Official Secrets Act.

I can hardly do that when some yank asks me the name of my favourite diner, can

I? That's why I've got to memorise all these books.

Yeah? Well, good luck.

Yeah, well, I was rather hoping you'd help me.

What? Well, you know, ask me some questions.

Oh, go on. Look, I've read this one.

Prelude to War, US Politics, 1936 -1941.

Soon to be a major motion picture.

Go on, ask me anything.

OK, here we go.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was president of the United States at the time of

Pearl Harbor. Yes.

What size shoes did he wear?

Ron. Well, you might pop into a GI who was formerly Roosevelt's shoemaker.

Why don't you just cut the cobblers and ask me a sensible question?

Okay, okay, this is interesting.

Although the Japanese dealt a savage blow to the American Pacific fleet, none

their aircraft carriers were damaged, but they had put to sea a few days

the attack for exercises.

Hmm. I must have missed that bit. That was lucky, wasn't it?

Unless it wasn't luck.

What do you mean?

Maybe you, Gary Sparrow's secret agent, tipped them off.

I'm joking.

Ron, are you saying that somehow in 1941, I am going to tell the Americans

the Japanese are going to attack Pearl Harbor?

I don't know. I told you I was joking.

Well, what do I say?

Send some of your ships to safety, but leave the rest to be sunk, or else the

nips will have had a wasted journey.

Gary, just forget it. I can't forget it, Ron. You see, I may have tipped them

off.

But suppose I don't tip them off. Then what happens?

Gary, this is a version of megalomania. You're only a commoner garden time

traveller. Yeah, but suppose I don't warn them and the whole US fleet gets

Well, you'd better warn them then.

Yeah, but half the fleet didn't leave the harbour. How do you half tip

off? And why would they believe me anyway? Gary, just forget it, all right?

can't forget it, Ron. You're interrupting our male bonding session,

Uh, no, no.

Only I called in at the office and you hadn't returned the papers.

Oh, yeah, sorry, I was going to. Something cropped up. Pearl Harbour.

I don't think you're going to manage those documents on your own, Gary. I

you need someone to take you in hand.

I'll just go and unload the bags. Well, no, you don't.

I don't get my commission until you return the papers, Gary.

I know.

Why don't we sort them out tonight over dinner?

Well, I'm hardly dressed for a restaurant.

Then come to my place.

Look, Miss Mansfield, I think you should realise that I am a married man.

Mr Sparrow, what did you think I was suggesting?

Well, I just... Did you... Did you think I was trying to seduce you?

Well, no, no, of course not.

Unless you mean you would like me to seduce you.

Well, we are...

We really do need to get this documentation finished if you're to be

Christmas and the shop fitters will be here tomorrow.

How about Thursday?

Yes, Thursday's fine.

OK, that's the date.

You're not going to stand me up, are you?

Of course not.

Good.

If you ask me, you'd be safer at Pearl Harbour.

off this night?

I'm practising for the Alps.

You're still angry with me, aren't you?

No, of course not. I'm just miles away.

Thinking about gliding effortlessly on crisp, virgin snow?

No, I was thinking in a few days' time it's the anniversary of Pearl Harbour.

Oh, you're weird.

Oh, look, I'm sorry about last night. I overreacted.

If you think you can make a go at this shot, then I'm 100 % behind you.

Really? Of course not.

And I was stupid to accuse your fancy in that Jane Mansfield.

It's not her fault she's got a silly name.

No, it isn't.

And I don't suppose she looks like the Jane Mansfield.

Only if the Jane Mansfield was flat -chested in the start.

So we're friends again.

We'll always be friends.

Look, I might have to go away for a couple of nights.

What do you mean?

Well, to stock up the shop, you know. But I could always come with you.

Well, I'm an offender. I'm plainly devoid of job prospects.

I can't work for the company.

Well, I'm not sure we can afford it, you know. Price of hotels and then

restaurants. Well, if you don't want me to come, Gary... Look, it's not that.

You'd be bored rigid.

The people I have to mix with at the East Bay, they're total anoraks.

You can't be mad.

Me first, I think.

It'll help us up!

You'll never guess what I've got in my pocket.

You should have said he makes me comics really funny.

Tommy Trinder. You ever heard of him?

He's going to be huge. I don't care how fat he gets, as long as he's funny.

What have you got in your pocket? I couldn't guess.

Wrong. I'm talking about lunch.

Look.

Mints.

They're not mints.

Hamburger. Half a pound apiece of the finest chopped sirloin.

Hamburgers?

Sounds German.

No, no, they're American.

You think? You pop them on a griddle, then stick them in a toasted bun with

lashings of relish. Well, I have never heard of relish, and I ain't got a

griddle, whatever that is.

You've got a frying pan, though. Yes, but I'm out of lard. Oh, no, no. They

in their own juice. Are you sure?

Yeah. I'll do them for you, if you like.

You? If you're a man.

Oh, I am a new man, Phoebe, and new men aren't afraid to put on a pinny.

Oh, well, I know what sort of men wear pennies, Carrie, and I'm not having

nothing to do with one of them.

I can't stand it.

I was only joking. No, I meant George Formby.

Oh.

He's big mates with Roosevelt.

Who? Well, you must have heard of President Roosevelt.

Phoebe, I've got to go up west.

Well, what about the hamburgers? Well, you look after them.

Well, I'll do them for tea, then. Yes, fine. Bye.

Mother could always boil them.

Don't you dare.

Excuse me, Mr. Morrow.

Maybe. My name is Gary Sparrow. I'm a big admirer of yours. I'm a little tired

for autograph hunters right now.

I don't want your autograph.

I need to talk to you about Japan's war plan.

Look, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty. Then I'll buy you a drink.

It's important.

I doubt it very much, but if it helps win the war, I'll let you buy me a cup.

Mr. Murrow. I'll have my usual, Maisie.

Scrambled egg and black coffee for Mr. Murrow. And as he's paying, I'll have a

side order of ham as well.

I'll have the same.

Sorry, no eggs left.

Well, what's he going to eat then?

Oh, we've always got eggs for Mr. Murrow.

What can I have?

We've got sausages.

Are they pork or beef?

How should I know?

There's a war on.

The indomitable Cockney spirit.

Cheeky little cow, if you ask me.

Cigarette? No, I don't.

Well, yes, all right.

OK,

you've got five minutes.

Shoot.

Well, I'm not really sure where to start.

Try the beginning.

Four minutes, 45 seconds.

All right.

It's about this really vivid dream I've been having.

You're putting me on. No.

You see, normally I don't remember my dreams, but sometimes they're really

and... and then they come true.

Anyway, I dreamt that the Japanese Air Force was attacking all these American

warships in a sort of harbour, and there was something about pearls, and then I

saw a newspaper and it said December 7th.

Does that make any sense to you?

Well, if you mean is there any likelihood the Japanese will attack the

there's every likelihood.

You don't have to be Nostradamus to know that.

So, what do you want me to do? Tell the president?

Oh, well, that would be terrific.

Oh, it would be terrific if I wanted him to think I'd lost my marbles.

No, just remember, it wasn't Pearl. It was Pearl Harbor.

I think I'll skip the eggs. You can have them. Look, I've told you.

I've had dreams come true before. Oh, really?

Yes. I dreamt the Germans were going to invade Russia.

Did you now?

Shame you never told Joe Stalin.

No, listen.

Yes, a couple of days ago, I dreamt that the Italians in Ethiopia would

surrender tomorrow and we'd take 11 ,500 Italian POWs and nearly 12 ,000 native

troops. Well, that's rather precise.

It was a very vivid dream.

If you don't get your hand off my arm, you're going to have a very vivid black

eye.

But look, if you want to hear more, just give me a ring.

Please.

I really hate that Lord Haw -Haw.

I really hate his smarmy voice and the way he says, this is Germany calling,

Germany calling.

Speaks good English for a Jerry, I suppose.

Reg, he's not German, he's Irish. His real name's William Joyce. Gary, tell

What confuses me is why they made him appear in the realm.

Who? Lord Haw -Haw.

Hear that for me, will you, Reg?

Royal Oak.

No, sorry, Mr Sparrow's not here at the moment. We're expecting him, though.

Hold on, I'll get me pencil.

Far away.

Yep, gotcha.

Yep, gotcha.

Yep, right you are.

As soon as he comes in.

Hi, Red.

Oh, shame he wasn't here a moment ago. It was a phone call for you.

Not to worry, I took a message.

It was Mr Day.

He said, can he see you urgently tomorrow?

It's the day.

Was it Mr. Morrow wants to see you urgently today?

Morrow? Yeah, that's the chap. He says he's holding a cock.

He's what?

I can't read my own writing.

Holding a cocktail party at the Dorchester Hotel.

A cocktail party?

Did he say Gary could bring anyone?

Well, he didn't ask. I'm on duty tonight.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, I'm not sure, Phoebe. You know, it's business. I don't know if I can just

bring somebody along. Gary?

I have never in my life been to a cocktail party, and if you think I am

away from this one, you need your bumps, Red.

Gary.

Never think there was a war on.

Think all this food and drink's black market.

Well, I hope not.

It's the Home Secretary.

Oh.

What's this?

Smoked salmon.

Do you think I like it?

Do you like kippers?

Oh, not half.

Oh.

Badly pleasant, wouldn't you do?

So do you think there are any members of the royal family here? Well, yeah, I

wouldn't be surprised.

Hey, yeah.

Is that Prince Philip of Greece?

Isn't he handsome?

Sorry, who have you spoken for?

Mrs. Sparrow.

Glad you could make it.

Is this Mrs. Sparrow?

Um, no.

Well, not yet.

Well, delighted to see you anyway.

Okay, let's cut to the chase.

How did you really know the Italians were going to surrender?

Down to the last hundred native soldiers?

It just came to me.

These things do come to me, and then I use my intelligence.

Intelligence. That's what I thought it would come down to.

There's a friend of mine here I'd like you to meet.

He works at the BBC, but he's reasonably well -connected.

This is the gentleman I was telling you about.

Ah, the one with the lurid dreams.

The guy here takes a keen interest in matters of intelligence, too.

Then what do you do at the BBC?

Produce the Brainstrust?

What I do at the BBC is not really the issue.

Now, the question trembling on my lips is, whom are you with?

He's at me.

I mean, with which department?

I couldn't possibly tell you that. Come, come, we're all on the same side.

At least I trust that is the case, although no one I've spoken to has any

knowledge of your existence.

What do you mean?

He means perhaps the intelligence service that pays your wages doesn't

English as its first language.

Well, look, if you're not interested in my...

Dream, then let's forget it. Come with me. I really think you should stay and

continue the conversation.

I think our young chum could use a drink, Ed. He's looking rather pallid.

You see, what I find difficult to fathom is if you have information about a

Japanese attack on the American Pacific Fleet, why didn't you simply go through

normal channels?

I can't divulge that. Look, I told you this in confidence. I'm sorry, but I

trust Mr. Burgess more than I trust you.

Mr. Burgess?

Guy Burgess?

Yes.

Didn't I tell you? How remiss of him.

But then he didn't have the benefit of a public school education.

No. Nor of several delightful years up at Cambridge University, eh, Guy?

Were you at Cambridge? I don't recall you. Well, I didn't move in quite the

circles as you. You know, Kim Philby.

Donald Maclean, Anthony Blunt.

My Russian wasn't up to it.

I didn't realise we had so many acquaintances in common.

I'm sure you can trust him.

Excuse me, I must have a word with T .F. Elliot.

He looks like some ghost.

He's just found out that I know more about him than he knows about me.

What's all that about speaking Russian?

Just a little Cambridge joke.

Right, let's cut to the chase.

Who are you going to tell about Pearl Harbor?

Well, I've got a pal in Washington who's reasonably well -connected. What's his

name?

Eisenhower.

That'll do.

Guy Bird, you say?

Suppose you put the fear of God into him and he packed in spying for the

Russians? He didn't. I checked my reference books as soon as I got back.

You've got no idea of the burden of responsibility I carry back in the past,

know. Knowing my smallest action might change the course of history.

You should pop down the Commissioner of Oath, change your name to God by deep

hole. Get my bloody mouth shut.

And it's all your fault, you know. You saying I may have tipped them off about

Pearl Harbour. Of course it's my fault.

Everything's my fault since Neil Kinnock retired.

Last night, Donna discovered her favourite piece of spode had fallen off

mantelpiece and smashed.

Who got the blame? Me.

Well, whose fault was it?

Well, mine!

A few months ago, I'd have got the benefit of the doubt, and the cat would

got Stella's duck martin up its derriere, but not now.

I'm trying to get a sense of proportion.

You're griping over a bit of China. I may have changed the entire history of

world.

No, I was just too convincing.

I mean, the Yanks might end up sending the whole Pacific fleet out to sea.

Then the Japs would have bought the attack.

America wouldn't enter the war.

D -Day would never take place.

And on the 9th of December, 1995, we'll all wake up talking German.

Yeah, well, it's better than talking crap, which is what you're doing now.

Hi. Oh, hi.

How are you?

Famished. How about you?

No, I'm all right. Just had a twig.

That's for your appetite.

Birthday.

You don't exactly look ready to take me to dinner.

Well, I'm just running a bit late.

Gary, you're not going to stand me up, are you?

No, of course not.

Look, why don't you wait out in the car? I'll be about ten minutes.

Promise? Yeah.

Well, all right, darling, but don't be long.

We've got a long night ahead of us.

By the way, I'm wearing...

This way we get it over with.

Anything she wants to get over is your leg.

If you go to that pub tonight, it'll end in tears.

You've seen Fatal Attraction.

Recognise the sign.

Starts with a steak dinner and a bottle of plonk and finishes with a dead rabbit

in your pressure cooker.

I'd like for a gato myself.

Mark, if you wish, I recognise a head case when I see one.

What am I supposed to do about it?

Stand her up.

She'll be angry, but she'll get the message. Nip it in the bud.

Yeah?

You make yourself scarce before she comes back.

Ron, she's sitting outside in her car. Where am I supposed to go?

1941.

Good idea.

She's wearing stockings.

I wonder if she'd like to jeopardise my marriage.

Look, if you're the able lady... No.

I'm Jane Mansfield.

Oh. Is Gary home?

No, he's at work, as far as I know.

Why?

This is going to be very painful.

I have a confession to make.

Oh, I get it. It's all on April Fool's. It's December, Gary.

Oh, that's what makes her so clever. Oh, shut up.

A friend of yours popped over this evening. Oh, yeah? Who's that? Jane

Mansfield. I hardly recognised her. Clean shaven and with breast implants.

Are you kidding?

Not a lot of kidding took place.

Actually, she was very upset.

She told me how you came on to her when she showed you around Duckie's Plaza.

She what? No, she is lying. She'd never have gone out with you if she'd known

you were married.

And as soon as she found out, she felt she had to come straight round here and

tell me.

But she's always known about you. When she phoned you, she spoke to you, didn't

she? Yeah.

And you said I was only Yvonne.

Jane said you led her to believe I was your sister.

Your spinster sister.

She said what? No, it's okay. I don't blame you. I'm no fun to live with

anymore. I mean, she's gorgeous, great looking, great clothes.

No wonder you insisted on renting a shop in Whitechapel away from me and close

to her.

And she also told me you were particularly keen on having a shower

Now, hold on, hold on.

Yvonne, how long have we been married?

You can't even remember that now! I was being rhetorical!

We've been married for seven years. And the itch has started. Is that what

you're trying to tell me, that I should understand? No, listen!

Look, I'm trying to say we have known each other for a long time and we have

to trust each other.

Yvonne, I promise you that Jane has been coming on to me ever since I clapped

iron on Duckett's Plaza.

A woman like that chasing you.

Was that so unlikely?

She'd have to be crazy.

Well, that's exactly what Ron said.

And you've seen Fatal Attraction.

But that was Michael Douglas.

I'd have killed the rabbit if I thought it'd get me Michael Douglas.

Do you really expect me to believe that she chased you?

Look, all this is happening because you haven't got a job and your self -esteem

is low. Gary, don't tell me how I feel.

Well, usually you'd laugh off something like this.

Yvonne, I swear to you, on a stack of Bibles, there isn't a woman anywhere in

the world today that I would even give a second glance to.

We haven't got a stack of Bibles.

Do you really mean it?

I cross my heart.

I'm so sorry.

It's OK.

No, I've been really stupid.

I wouldn't blame you if you did go off. Hey, hey, come here.

Look, in a few days' time, we'll be on that plane to Switzerland, right?

Then we'll meet a lovely couple from Epsom. He'll turn out to be the managing

director of Marks & Spencer's, and by the end of the week, you'll be his new

personnel director.

Promise.

Phoebe? Yeah?

Grab here, Gary.

Ta -da!

Is that what I think it is? Yeah.

There you go.

Look at that.

What is it?

That is a generous wedge of ripe brie.

This is a homemade pate de campagne. Slightly on the coarse side, but we're

broad -minded. And these are two bottles of not unpleasant house red. Red what?

Would you believe wine?

Wine? The likes of us don't drink wine.

Speaking of which, shouldn't the likes of us be on duty?

Well, I said he could share our dinner. Because my mini said I shouldn't expect

anything out of the ordinary come Christmas Day.

Look, a Christmas cake with icing.

And marzipan.

We didn't even have food like this before the war. Get all that stuff from

Yanks? Uh, yeah.

That's an impressive tool you've got there.

Oh, yes, my Swiss army knife. I thought the Swiss were supposed to be neutral.

Just as well, if this is all they've got to defend themselves.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

That's what wine tastes like.

A little on the young side, but I think there's enough tannin to suggest it

could blossom into a superior quaffer in a few years.

Well, I wouldn't give it ass room.

I'll go get this turkey in the oven. Oh, no, wait. I've got something else to

show you.

It's marvelous!

Yank job, is it? Yeah.

But when they come into the ward, the Jerrys won't know what's hit them.

They won't accept it.

Oh, I'll call you back, Jeremy.

Not much of an office, but I expect it looks bigger on the telephone.

You look wonderful.

You are very brave, putting on your finery, facing the world.

Now, don't tell me you're splitting up, you're looking for a bachelor pad, and

why not?

Well, we've got some very nice apartments in a block not far from here.

Reserve parking.

Swimming pool, 24 -hour security. Oh, shut your pseudo -middle -class gob and

listen to me.

I love and trust my husband.

And if he tells me he's never laid a hand on you, then I believe him utterly.

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

He says it because it's true.

So you just keep well away, madam, or you'll be the one needing 24 -hour

security.

There is a one -woman man, and that woman's me.

And if he stays away at night, it's because he's on business and nothing

Believe that if you want to.

Oh dear, someone's just wiped all the work off your computer.

Just wanted to hear the news.

BBC Home and Forces Service.

Here is the news, and this is Wilfred Pickles reading it.

The Japanese have launched an unprovoked air attack on the United States Naval

Base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii.

Yeah, you were right. Heavy damage and grievous loss of life has been reported

from the city of Honolulu, and several battleships are reported to be on fire

the harbor.

However, all the aircraft carriers in the Pacific Fleet, and put to sea for

manoeuvres.

Other news, our force... Well done, Ed.

Maybe the Americans are with us now.

So, does this mean it's going to be the end of it?

Well, this may not be the end.

It may not even be the beginning of the end.

But it is perhaps the end of the beginning.

What's going to be the tent at Winston Churchill?

Shall I send it to him, see if he uses it?

So do you think it's all going to be over by next Christmas?

No.

It may take another three or four years.

Then what... What about you and me, Carrie?

Let's just live one day at a time, eh?

Look, I'd better get going, otherwise they'll have me peeling potatoes all the

way to Singapore.

Open this on Christmas Day.

I haven't even got your present yet.

Hey, just having you to come back will be present enough.

Good night, sweetheart.

Sleep will banish sorrow.

Good night, sweetheart.

Till we meet tomorrow.

We talk.