Original subtitles

Good night, sweet heart.

All my prayers are for you.

Good night, sweet heart.

I'll be watching over you.

Tears and crying may make us alone.

But with the dawn, a new day is coming.

So, if Yvonne wants to know where I am, you're in Aberdeen on the verge of

clinching a quarter of a million pound printing contract with Fushimi Oil, PLC.

Which means I'm going to have to fly up and down to Scotland several times this

week at the drop of a hat.

Of a tamashanta, you mean.

I am outlining a business coup here that will catapult Nostradamus printing into

the First Division.

But only if I can convince Mr. McCrae to convince Mr. Yakimoto that we can do a

better job than the printers in Nagoya.

Yeah, it's my butt on the line up there in the Grampians. But I can do it, Ron.

I won't let you down. Gary, Gary, Gary.

Yes, Ron, Ron, Ron.

It's only an alibi, remember?

A story to tell, Yvonne.

None of these people actually exist.

Mr. McRae, Mr. Yaki, whatever you said, Sashimi Oil PLC.

They're all just a product of your unnervingly fertile imagination.

In short, lies.

Technically, yes.

But if there's one thing I've learned from doing all these amateur dramatics

you've got to believe what you're saying is true. That is the definition of a

good actor. It's also a pretty good definition of a psychopath.

Well, yeah, granted.

Do you not think you're overdoing it a bit?

I mean, you've got the amateur dramatics in 1994, the concert parties in 1941,

the trade in rare wartime 78s. Ron, don't worry. I feel great. I feel really

top of things.

What about Yvonne? Do you feel on top of her?

Ron, let's just say that Yvonne is fulfilled.

She's busy.

She's happy.

She's very proud to have a husband who's on the verge of clinching a quarter of

a million pound contract in the face of vicious and underhand competition from

the French, the Italians and the Japanese.

Do you know, when I told her that the Italians had sunk to the level of

Mr. McRae with a week in Sorrento accompanied by two harlots of his own

she said it was unbelievable.

It is unbelievable. You made it all up.

Love is the greatest thing The oldest

yet the latest thing I only hope

that fate may bring

Love story to you.

I've heard that one on the wireless loads of times. I never knew you wrote

Oh, I didn't. It was written by Ray Noble for Al Bowley. Oh, right you are.

I thought I'd slip it into the act, you know. A tribute to the late, great Al

Bowley. Oh, that's nice, Gary.

I was so sad when he copped it. He was lovely.

Yeah, he's left a big vacuum.

What, in his will?

My wife's been on at me to get over.

Me? Well, I said to her, you hang the rug over the washing line, give it a

beating like my mum had to.

And we buy her a new vacuum cleaner. Only give her more time to get up to no

good with the pre -French merchant mariness.

You don't want to hear about my problems.

Sounds like she's doing more for Allied morale than Vera Lynn.

Reg.

Oh, right you are.

You're going to play some of your own songs too, though, aren't you? Oh, of

course, yes.

I just thought I'd slip in the alboli to get them on my side, you know. Then

I'll continue with something like... Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far

away. Oh, and you've got to do that lady in red, eh? Oh, I love that.

I've never seen you looking so lovely as you do tonight.

Oh, you've really got a way with words.

Yeah, if you're doing request, add a bit, I like bananas because they have no

bones.

I don't like tomatoes and I don't like ice cream corns, but I like... I like

bananas because they have no bones.

One of my favourites, that.

Can we wonder what?

No, I'm sorry, I don't know.

Don't know it? Where you been?

Anyway, how can you ask for a request at a concert you're not going to?

Yeah, got a point there.

Can't argue with you over that one.

I'll be wixing with the share -a -bang.

I wonder where he gets his petrol from.

Don't ask him. Right, let's go.

We're off, Reg.

Oh, uh...

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye.

Now, I know you definitely didn't write that one. Oh, you got me there.

I don't know how Scotland Yard managed to do without you. You think I haven't

told them that?

I've never seen

so

many men want to be there by your side.

He looked at me and smiled.

He took my breath away.

Shut up.

I have never seen a dress you're wearing.

Shut up. Son of a... The effect of

exuberance signifies your concert went quite well. Quite well?

In 1941, I am bigger than wet, wetwood. Wet?

Yeah. Well, you're lucky Stella's a heavy sleeper.

Otherwise, you'd have a hell of a job explaining what you're doing in this

of town in a tough hat.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

I was wondering why I was getting all those funny looks on the Metropolitan

Line. Anyway, doesn't matter. I was great. Come on, get dressed. Why?

Because they don't let you into Joe Allen's wearing pyjamas.

Who's Joe Allen?

Who's Joe Allen?

It's London's top late -night watering hole.

All your showbiz types go there to unwind after the theatre.

Elaine, Wayne, Danny La, Andrew Lloyd, moi.

Oh, come on, I can't just slink off, am I? I had 800 people eating out of my

hand tonight.

I want hygiene, Nick.

I need to laugh, to eat, to drink, to talk.

Lionel, hi.

Bonnie.

Gary, some of us have proper work in the morning as opposed to the fantasy

variety.

It's not fun going out on your own.

But you won't be on your own.

You'll have Danny La, Andrew Lloyd.

Well, look, if you won't come up west, you know somewhere around here I can get

a drink?

As it occurs, I do know somewhere that's quiet and discreet, where a star like

you'll feel completely at home.

Completely at home.

Gary?

Sorry, did I wake you?

Go back up to bed, I want me a tick. Gary!

Well, I've got a bit of a headache.

Now, don't put the light... Gary, why are you dressed like a head waiter?

You have got no idea how formal these Japanese can be.

Mr Yakimoto insisted we all dress for dinner.

It wouldn't have been so embarrassing, but the only place that could seat that

many people at short notice was a happy eater.

It's going to be all right, though. I mean, you're going to get the contract.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah, I think so.

I had a bit of a dodgy moment when I noticed Mr Macrae had a new Cartier

Well, that means the French have upped the value of their bribes.

I tell you, Yvonne, sometimes it's like a jungle.

You don't fancy coming up west, do you?

No, what I really fancy doing is rehearsing our parts. You said we could

you got home.

Oh, OK, fine. Let's do it. You know, cos I want us to be really great for the

dress rehearsal.

Yvonne! I have had a theatre full of people react to me as though I was the

thing since powdered egg.

Autodramatics hold no fear for me.

Powdered egg?

What are you talking about?

Yeah, it was one of Mr Yakimoto's jokes, you know.

Everybody else laughed, so I just assumed it was funny.

Are you sure you aren't overdoing it?

Who aren't?

I've never felt better.

Something smells terrible. Hope that's not for supper.

Up to you. Does carpet cleaner want a taste?

No, I don't think so, of course.

Wicks, you been around yet?

Well, why should he? You haven't got a show tonight.

No, I know.

What's going on to you?

Good question.

Where were you last night?

On stage in Palmer's Green.

Wowing them. I mean, after that. After you went back to your digs. I stayed up

till half past one.

Why?

Because I thought you might come round, silly. You know.

Oh, yeah.

No, I couldn't come round last night because I phoned the ministry at

as per standing orders, just to confirm my whereabouts, you know. And they said

I had to come in straight away for an emergency meeting.

It seems there's been a big increase in Japanese radio transmissions and they

think they might be gearing up to invade French Indochina.

And that, of course, threatens Malaya and Singapore, not to mention Hawaii and

Australasia.

But I can't talk about it.

So just forget everything I've said.

Oh, well, that's easy, because all times are complete rubbish to me anyway.

Fancy a cup of tea? Oh, I'd love one.

Hello, anybody at home? Ah, at last!

For your gramophone, madam?

Oh, Gary, I've completely forgotten.

Oh, Wixie never breaks his word. Now, where do you want it? Oh, over there.

is your prize for winning a talent contest, isn't it?

What's it doing here, Gary? Don't you want it for your digs? No, I want it for

Phoebe. Anyway...

Looks better in here, I think. Yeah, very nice. Goes with her eyes.

And, of course, you'll have to keep coming round now to listen to it and

whatever, won't you? Well, now, aren't you going to try it out?

If you haven't got any records, I could nip home a get -come.

Now, you promised to look after it. You can have a lender.

I like bananas.

No, no, no, it's all right. Really, Gary bought me a record last week.

Yeah. Oh, OK.

Stop the ape with you. You've got to put the needle in first.

This is one of ninth and you owe me, you know.

For taking out your wages.

Yes, I don't.

What, in front of empty?

We're men of the world, Phoebe.

Nothing you two can get up to. I haven't caught Mrs. Dedman doing with that

pole.

What?

Stanislav, I think he calls himself.

Oh. Reg, I hope you haven't left the pub unattended all this time. No, it's all

right. Mrs Craig said she'd keep an eye on the bar while I came up here.

Well, I hope she ain't got the twins with her, has she?

Whoops.

I don't think Fred and Ginger need lose any kip. No, you stick to singing, son.

Dance with a tenor tenor, anyway.

So, you all set for tomorrow night at the Play Store Astoria?

Yeah, of course.

Good, good. Now, do you fancy extending yourself a bit?

How do you mean?

Well, he went down so well last night, I thought maybe he'd like to do an extra

couple of numbers, you know, move up the bill.

Really? You really think I've got potential?

I think you've got a lot of talent, yes.

Besides which, the fire -eater's gone sick with a septic tone.

And what's in it for Gary?

Well, a chance.

To present more of his tunes, to build a reputation, to entertain the war -weary

masses. And an extra ten bob a night.

Oh, she's a little spitfire, ain't she?

Except for Natana. Yeah? OK. No, ten bob. Don't sell yourself short, Gary.

all right, all right.

Moving up the bill there, Gary.

Next stop, the Palladium, eh, Mr Wicks?

Well, to be completely honest, I don't think he'll ever amount to much as an

entertainer. Oh, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the hair.

Here, how about a Ronald Coleman tash?

Gary's got lovely hair.

Still, not to worry, because in my opinion, Gary's future lies in his song.

not this singing.

And, well, it just so happens that I happen to have a little interest in a

publishing house down in Denmark Street, you know, Tin Pan Alley. And I know

that if I could get your with a little help from my friends, put in front of

Vera Lynn, you'd be signing sheet music in Selfridge's window in no time.

Really? So... Hold on, hold on. I just happen to have a standard publishing

contract on me and... He's not signing anything until it's been looked at by a

lawyer.

Oh, can't pull the wool over her eyes, can you?

Well, while I've got it out, would you mind running an iron over it? No, I'm

finding anything.

Exactly, not until it's... No, I'm not finding anything, period.

Period?

Yeah, I mean, full stop.

What? Well, it's an American expression, you know. They say, I'm not doing that,

period, for added emphasis.

Oh, but that's silly.

I mean, do they say, hello, comma, how are you, question mark?

Look, what's the trouble, son?

Aren't I big time enough for you?

OK, I'll introduce you to the big boys.

Naturally, I'll be on 25 % as your manager.

No, look, listen, both of you.

I had a music deal before, in America, and it all ended in tears and

disappointment. Yeah, but a young thing got no bleeding class, had they?

You'll be appreciated on your side of the pond. No, no way. Once bitten, twice

shy. And then there's my war work.

No, I don't want to get on to that particular merry -go -round again.

I'm happy with my job, doing a few concerts for pin money and then just

more time with Phoebe.

Well, I'm not sure I want to spend time with a no -oker like that.

Oh, good for you, girl.

Mr Wicks, I think the rest of this conversation better be between just me

Gary, eh? Oh, of course, of course, yes.

I'm not one to interfere.

There's 20 quid in it for you if you can get him to sign that contract.

Cheerio.

Phoebe, what's got into you?

Don't you see?

When you used to flip back and forward to the States and often here with all

your tales of Hollywood, I was so envious, Gary.

No, I wasn't that great.

That is not the point.

You opened a window on another world, a window that wasn't covered with brown

tape in case a bomb goes off.

I'd only ever seen that world at the Flicks.

And now Wixie gives you a second chance.

You could sell your songs, people could record them, buy the music, you could

make your fortune, and this time he could take me with you.

But what about Donald? Oh, come on, Gary.

Now, you know and I know there's no way me and Donald ever get back together

after the war.

I want more than he can give me.

But you can give it to me, Gary. You know you can.

And if you won't, just because you've had your fingers burned once, well, what

sort of a husband are you going to turn out to be?

Think about it, Gary.

It's important.

I want more than he can give me.

But you can give it to me. You know you can.

And if you won't, just because you've had your fingers burned once, what sort

a husband are you going to turn out to be?

Oh, for God's sake, Gary.

In 48 hours, we set our wares before the good burgers of Wilson, and you still

seem to have no idea at all of your line.

Now, if you don't buck your ideas up, I shall have to undertake the role myself.

You've got to get it right. I'm not snogging Gregory.

He wears dentures.

Let's try it just once more from exactly the same place.

Cue Yvonne.

Don't you see, darling? We can make it. It will be difficult and people will

mock. But if we try... That's not what you just said.

Yes, it is.

That's not what she just... I'm sure she just said... Gary's under a lot of

pressure at work. This is Mr. Yakimoto who is trying to get signed up for the

printing contract.

Yvonne.

Love. When we are here, we are the Wilden Wildians.

We leave our workaday lives behind and we enter into the wonderful, warm world

of the theatre.

And people who aren't fully committed to the wonderful, warm, mutually

supportive world of theatre can... Shut up, Gary!

Capice?

Now, let's take five and try again.

Maybe you should cry off tomorrow's trip to Scotland.

I can't.

It's make or break.

I don't want you going sick on me, Gary.

Perhaps you should see a doctor.

I don't need to see anyone.

I'm fine.

And it's a bit of a worry, because I'm never usually ill.

No, you have a very robust constitution, Mr Sparrow.

Unlike the United Kingdom.

Sorry?

Just a little Charter 88 joke.

So, besides the sudden fatigue, the inexplicable burst of déjà vu, the panic

attacks, the manic depressive episodes, and the unusually high build -up of

earwax, you feel all right?

Most of the time, but then... I don't know.

That's good, because I don't know either.

Really, I should refer you to a psychiatrist, but there's a seven -year

list on the NHS for non -urgent cases.

Well, how do you qualify as an urgent case? Oh, these days you have to at

run amok in Safeways with a machete.

What about some pills?

Well, you can run around Safeways with pills, but it's not so scary.

You know, the last time I had someone in here with your symptoms, it turned out

he was trying to cope with a double life.

Really? At home, he was a loving husband, attentive father, helped around

house. But the moment he got beyond the front door, he became mean -spirited,

petty -minded, hateful, two -faced.

Give up politics, I told him.

Are you leading a double life?

Well, in a way, I suppose.

You see, I'm rehearsing this play.

We open tomorrow night and I have to play this wild macho sort of bloke.

Not typecast, then.

So I thought maybe something for the nerves?

Ah, now I understand.

You won't be the first actor to step out onto the boards rattling like a

Canadian sprinter.

What's the play?

Oh, it's a new piece. It's a fearing melange of marital strife and unfettered

passion.

If you'd like a couple of tickets.

Oh, that's very kind of you. My wife and I are very keen on the theatre.

Where are you opening? Shaftesbury Avenue?

No, Broadway.

Well, Cripplewood Broadway.

Oh, I see.

Where exactly?

Oh, it's the theatre that used to be St Saviour's Church Hall. Do you know it?

Do I look like a man who knows St Saviour's Church Hall?

It is larger than the last place.

Of course it is.

Sydney Weeks doesn't only book in a fleet, but you know, the place to

as big as some of the most empires.

This is really the big time, eh, Gary?

I don't know if I can cope with this.

What are they?

Oh, nothing. It's just something for nurse.

Bloody hell, it's packed. I know.

They're starved of good live entertainment out here in Playstone.

Never mind, they'll have to put up with you lot.

There's hundreds of them out there, Phoebe.

And you know what sort of people live around here, don't you?

Doctors. If they don't like you, I'm sure they're not too slow to show it.

be silly, son. They're the salt of the earth. A lovely, genuine, appreciative

audience.

He's just saying that.

Look, if you took up Wixie's offer of getting all your songs published, you

could make your money without having to do them in front of all these people,

Gary. No.

All right, now, settle down, everybody. This is it. Showtime.

Good luck.

You'll need it.

Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Sidney Wicks Presents the Stars of

Tomorrow. And just remember, you saw them first. Right, now, let's give a

Eastern welcome to a very naughty young man, Phil McCarty.

There were these two strawberries, see, and one of them said to the other, he

said, if we hadn't been in the same bed, we wouldn't be in this jam now.

Here's what you like.

How do elephants make love underwater?

Well, first of all, right, they remove their trunks.

Can you hear me at the back?

Yeah, but I wouldn't mind swapping with somebody who can't.

Here's what you like.

There was a young lady from Wantage, of whom the town clerk took advantage, said

the borough surveyor, of course you must pay her, you've altered the line of her

frontage.

I'm too good for this place.

Well, a lot better than that. Come up, lady.

Yeah, right. No, you're on now, Sean, but don't worry, you can still pull them

round. Do, I like bananas because they have no bones. Go on.

Well, hold on, Gary. Let Wixie introduce you.

I've a mood there and it's better they don't know my name.

Oh, thank you, Adolf.

I suppose the audience will all have dispersed by now and I won't be able to

give them back their money.

Oh, well, it's an ill air raid.

Checked for air raids before I took the gig.

Is that what these pills are called then, gigs?

What's in them?

Just something for the nerves.

That was close.

They're damn good, whatever they are.

Hey,

hey, one tablet four times a day before meals.

Well, you was wolfing them down.

Why don't we all tell each other a joke, eh?

He's very like.

Paddy went to London, right, and his friend says, he says, hey, Paddy, how

you get here, by train or by boat?

Paddy says, he says, I don't know, my wife bought the ticket.

My mum was Irish, God rest her.

Yeah, I'm half Irish, but you've got to laugh, haven't you, eh?

Not at all, Joe.

I'm not a comedian.

It's brought by the Germans to lower morale.

That's not very funny, is it? Well, you should know.

All right, all right, settle down, settle down, settle down.

from a Guernsey house.

What?

Oh, it's a new music I've invented. I call it acedelia.

Keep half of these round and I'll teach you.

An elementary penguin thing in Hare Krishna, man, you should have seen them

cooking agar -al and ho.

This is the man who didn't want to do I Like Bananas because they have no bones.

Nostradamus printing, no point too large.

Oh, hello, Yvonne.

No, he's not here. Isn't he there?

No, he's not here, Ron.

And if you sent him to Aberdeen today of all days, I'll have your spleen as a

hot water bottle.

Yvonne, as far as I knew, Gary wasn't even due in Scotland today.

But I don't stand over him. I employ self -starters, people who can respond

the crisis of the moment.

If Gary felt he had to jet up to Aberdeen to take a video camera from Mr

to offset the efficacy of the French and Italian bribes, then all I can do is

applaud his loyalty to me, his employer.

You've really done it this time, Gary, you dick.

Well, I'm glad you applaud it, Ron.

Because if Gary isn't in make -up in the next 15 minutes, you can have him as a

lodger. Oh, and another thing.

Hold on a minute, Yvonne.

I've got a feeling I'm supposed to be somewhere, and I don't know why.

He's on his way, Yvonne.

Where the hell have you been for the last 24 hours?

I've been flying, man.

I don't know what they put in those pills, but...

I'm going to get a repeat prescription before I go, anyway.

I love you. I love you.

Oh, we're nearly there, Daddy.

No.

Daddy. Where the hell... If you've jeopardised my night... Gary, are you

It looks terrible, Ron.

I am the walrus, Yvonne.

There is no time for sitting. You've got to get made up and changed, and you

check your props.

Are you sure he's not ill? Are you sure he's not drunk? He's fine.

He's just been doing his zen relaxation exercises, haven't you guys? What?

What? What?

Mr. Yakimoto taught him.

It's especially for dealing with stage fright.

And why is he dressed like that?

I've no idea how formal these Japanese businessmen can be.

I know you're sleeping with that common little barmaid.

Mr Sparrow has been under considerable pressure recently.

I blame the Japanese.

All

a

bit avant -garde for my liking.

Sweetheart, sleep will banish sorrow.

Good night, sweetheart,

till we meet tomorrow.

We'll then fold you, remember I'll fold

you. Good night, sweetheart.