Original subtitles

Good night, sweet heart.

All my prayers are for you.

Good night, sweet heart.

I'll be watching over you.

Tears and parting may make us alone.

But with the dawn,

a new day will come.

Hello. Hi.

And to what do I owe the pleasure?

Well, it's a bit embarrassing, really.

See, it's the end of the month on Friday, and Yvonne thinks I'm working

so she's going to want to see some wages.

What a quaint, old -fashioned notion.

Wages you can actually see.

I know. You tell her you're working for me on a commission -only basis, and

you're crapped. She'll believe that.

My salary checks you're signing?

Don't even think about it, Gad.

The best way to lose a friend is to lend him money.

No, Ron, that's the second best way.

The best way to lose a friend is not to lend him money.

All right.

All right, as long as I know where I stand.

May I use your phone?

Or are you morally opposed to lending me ten pence worth of telecom?

Don't be bitter.

Hello, Director, yeah. Could you give me the number for the nearest Salvation

Army hospital for the homeless?

You'd better get a proper job soon, because I'm not going to go through

twice. Oh, thanks, Ron. You're a man among men.

Yeah, well, now that you've got some money for once, you can buy me a bevy.

No, can't tonight. Previous engagement.

You heard of the Wilsdon Wildians?

Of course. They're Cricklewood's answer to the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Not a very good answer, mate.

Well, Yvonne's going to audition for a part in their next production.

Really? What brought this on?

Well, we hired a video of that Madonna movie and Yvonne said, I'm a better

actress than Madonna.

Well, so am I.

Are you going along to lend moral support?

Yeah. Yeah, sort of.

You don't want to be in it.

Do you?

Surely not.

All that poncing about and shouting.

Well, you know, it might be a natural.

Yeah, only if they're doing Billy Lyre.

You can't go.

You can't go now.

You can't leave me like this.

I've got no money, no future.

I'm five months pregnant.

What do you want me to do?

To cry? To beg? To scream?

To kill myself?

She's very good, isn't she?

The next time she tells me she's got a headache, I'm not going to believe her.

Can you hear gas escaping?

This time I won't fail.

This time it won't just be an overdose.

A cry for help.

This time it's the razor just in.

You want to be a great film director?

You want to have the final cut?

Well, here it is.

Was there any good?

Good? It was magnificent.

You brought my play to life.

Or death.

Perfect. Wonderful.

Yvonne, the part is yours.

I wouldn't usually offer a leading role to a novice, but in your case... That's

great! Isn't that great, Gary?

Yeah, terrific.

Hey, I really liked all that thrashing about.

Could do with a bit more of that when we're... Well?

It looks like we've got ourselves a cast, mes enfants, so if we could all...

Sorry, Gregory, what about Justin?

I'm sorry?

Yvonne's boyfriend, Justin.

I was thinking maybe I could try out for Justin.

But Justin's already cast, love.

That's right, dear, the part was written for me.

What? Gregory always says no -one handles his leading parts like me.

Oh, look, Greg.

At least let me have a bash.

Look, I don't like to blow my own trumpet.

Oh. But I did go to drama school.

I've been a member of the BBC radio repertory company and I was in several

episodes of Trainer.

What have you ever been in besides the unemployment statistics?

Look, I think Gary's just being protective of me. He is my husband.

It's all right, Gary. I can look after myself.

Just disappointed, that's all. I was rather hoping to be in this.

And you...

Can be, Gary, love.

You would be perfect for the part of police Constable Barr, wouldn't he,

everybody? And you've got one of the most important moments in the whole

Really? Yes. On your action, the entire tragedy pivots.

Yeah? What do I do?

It's all on page 57.

Justin is beating up Priscilla, and a neighbour has called the police, who

arrive in the person of PC Barr. But when you realise what's going on, you

say... Well, here's a script.

Say it.

I'm sorry, but the Metropolitan Police have a policy not to interfere with

domestic squabbles exits.

Oh, domestic squabbles exits.

Perfect. I was moved.

So why is that pivotal?

Well, thanks to PC Bard's callous indifference to Priscilla's plight.

The tragedy proceeds to its sad, inevitable end.

Ah, yeah, yeah, I can see that.

Well, I don't think I can hack it. Well, of course.

You've got the height, you've got the presence, and you've only got one

Is that all?

Well, you don't want too much to learn, seeing you've volunteered to do men's

wardrobe as well.

Men's wardrobe?

I didn't volunteer to do men's wardrobe. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to mention it.

The thing is, the place set in the early 50s.

And since you know all the risks and all about the war... Well, that was the

40s. The 50s and the 40s had completely different styles.

Told you he's an expert, Gregory.

Excellent, Gary, thank you. Your help will be invaluable.

Now, Yvonne, are you prepared to delve into the inner recesses of your psyche?

If that's what it takes. It takes more.

It takes energy, teamwork, courage.

I'm up for that.

And you have to take your top off in Act 2, Scene 1.

Hold it, hold it.

I'm up for that.

I'm not.

always says nudist is alright as long as it's artistic, don't you, Gary?

Yeah, in the movies.

If it's Julia Roberts or Kim Basinger.

Well, of course, the lighting will be very discreet.

Yvonne, I think we should talk.

Look, Yvonne has a very demanding job. I'm not sure she could cope with a

leading role.

Shut up, Gary. Thank you, Yvonne.

Look, let's limber up with the scene in question.

then Gary can set his mind at rest as to just how tasteful the lovemaking scene

actually is.

Look. Look, you can see.

A second ago, she only had her kit off.

Right, hold it. Hold it, hold it. I'm hot, all right?

Sorry, I thought it was... Gary, dear, do calm down.

It's only acting.

From the top, then.

Lance, enter stage left.

Yvonne, we'll move downstage. From upstage, center. Okay.

Hello? Anyone in?

Coming.

Justin! What on earth?

But what are you... I work here.

In this pathetic little hotel?

Well, I have to go somewhere.

And you abandoned me.

I told you I'd return.

I know.

But how could I believe you?

Well, believe this.

Right, hold it.

Right, right.

Come on, come on, break it up.

You said this was a dry run. Gary, don't interfere. I was just getting into it.

Oh, you can see that.

Look, um...

Can't you do, Annie, get your gun or something?

How do I look?

Like a social deviant.

Thought so.

That lance was all over her.

The last tongue to boldly go that far belonged to Mr Spock.

And everyone was lapping it up.

Maybe she was acting really against you, Emily.

I've learned that. Gregory, man's a pervert.

If they did The Sound of Music, he'd have the entire cast gyrating topless

tassels on their nipples.

Well, where else?

How much for the suit?

Oh, give us a tenner. Looks a bit muffy.

Well, I'll do for Lance.

I suppose he'll keep it on for more than five minutes.

Here, Ron.

I'll take these two as well. They're 1940s.

You got any shirts?

Size 15.

Gary, over here.

I'll be a sec.

You've got some good old notes here.

Oh, yeah.

How much is this pound note?

£30.

At this rate, the cost of living in 1941 is going to overtake the cost of living

today. You'd be better off getting hold of the banknotes in 1941 and selling

them here.

Dr. Hughes' nephew.

Ron, you are a genius.

of amateur dramatics.

Why am I a genius?

Because you've just hit on how I can make a living.

What's the most expensive 78 you've got?

Got a first pressing of See You Later Alligator by Bill Haley. I couldn't

less than 100 for it.

So, what about wartime recordings?

Are they real?

You're joking.

78s are fragile enough when there weren't bombs dropping on them.

And what would a wartime white thing buy, say, Frank Sinatra fetch?

Who knows? Have to put it into auction.

Could go to a couple of thousand.

Bloody hell.

Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be in Wartorn, London.

All right, Raj?

All right.

How about all right?

A lot of things I could say about the situation at present, and all right

any of them.

Sounds like somebody got out the wrong side of bed this morning.

I didn't do with bed, young Gary.

Not that my bed has a right side, since Mrs. Dedman started making me sleep in

the scullery.

Hitler's pandas are hundreds of miles inside Russia.

Once he's knocked Stalin out of the picture, I have all Russia's oil and

What'll he do then?

Make the world's biggest victory pancake?

That ain't very fun.

Well, that's not bad for off the cuff, you know. Keep smiling through, just

you used to do.

Hello. Oh,

I'm really pleased to see you.

I'm so fed up.

At least when you started coming round, you used to make me pictures, dancing,

dinner up the Savoy. Where do we go now, eh?

Thought we might do a bit of shopping.

Oh, very romantic.

Just you and me in an endless queue.

Not everything's rationed, Phoebe.

Could have film, eh?

My life begins So open up your heart and let

This fool rush in Well, I'm not quite nervous.

He's so skinny, though. You've seen his photo. He looks like he never eats.

Yeah.

Don't worry.

He'll fill out.

Do you wish to buy the records, sir? Well, I'd like two copies, please.

One for my girl and one for me, in case we're ever apart.

Oh, I'm afraid we've only got the one copy left. These American recordings are

so popular.

I can order one if you like.

Would you?

Here they are.

Very sweet of you, Gary, but I haven't got grandma's phone.

Oh. Well.

Maybe I'll buy you one, eh?

Oh, don't be silly. They cost a fortune.

Can I keep it anyway, to remind me of you?

Of course.

I'm not going anywhere, though.

You always say that. It's never true.

Will there be anything else, though? Uh, yeah.

I'd like to buy a few more.

Oh, certainly so.

I'll just get them from the stockroom.

Do you really mean it about farming one?

Yes, of course.

Twelve guineas.

You don't have to save up.

Well, not necessarily.

Well, you don't think I should go in for that, do you?

Oh, you'd walk away with it. You could sing one of your songs, you'd bring the

ass down.

Oh, come on, it's tonight, look.

Well, I suppose I might be in with a chance.

No, no, sorry. Wouldn't be compatible with my secret work.

Excuse me, sir. I have your recording.

Oh, right.

Why would it be incompatible with your secret work?

Well, I go in for it, right, and I win it, and I get really famous, and then

topping the bill at the London Palladium.

Which is hardly conducive to a full -time undercover job with military

intelligence, is it?

Thanks. Might as well call myself Gary Sparrow, the singing spy.

You're a cracker, do you know that?

No, look, I promise you, they're in mint condition.

And the sleeves are... OK, I'll hold on.

They look like they were only bought yesterday.

That's me, actually.

Oh, come on. Where did you find them?

An old aunt died. She was a bit of a hoarder. We found those in her attic.

Any more, are there?

Well, it could be.

It's a big attic.

What's your friend's name? Just checking. Hello.

Right. Yes, OK, I'll tell him.

£700 for the three?

That's with me taking a small finder's fee.

But I found them.

Take her off stage.

All right, yeah, deal.

Who's she meant to check out to?

Gary's... No, better pay Ron Wheatcroft.

I think she also had a 1940s press sing of Frank Sinatra singing Fool's Rush In

with the Tommy Dorsey band in the loft.

I mean, the records in the loft, not the Tommy Dorsey band.

That'd be worth a fortune.

Ah, well, that's nice to know.

Come on. I'm in the bedroom.

How do I look?

Poo -poo -pee -doo.

It's true. Don't do that.

I thought you liked Marilyn Monroe.

I do, but she's dead.

Finding her sitting in your suburban bedroom's a bit unnerving.

Why are you dressed like that, anyway?

Well, we're all trying our play costumes on tonight.

It feels really strange. I suppose it's wearing stockings instead of tights.

What?

You've got to get into the style of dressing if you want to move right on

What? You're wearing stockings on stage with lance and suspenders?

Well, stockings aren't much good without suspenders, Gary. They keep falling

down.

It's really strange because men find stockings and suspenders really sexy,

they? Yet women just find them a pain.

You know, when tights first came in, my mum said they were a godsend.

Well... I'd better get them off. Yep, I was going to suggest that.

Gary, you're very up tonight.

Oh, is that a premise?

Well, of course I'm up. I got my first salary check from Rome. Oh, great, let's

see it.

You mean my paycheck?

Yes.

Ta -da.

You became more than that when you were blue -collar.

Well, thanks a lot.

I'm on commission. It takes time to come through.

It's a tough world out there, Yvonne.

It's all right for you, sitting in your air -conditioned personnel department,

reducing employees to little bits of cardboard in a filing cabinet.

You know, promote them, move them, sack them. They're not real to you.

That's not true.

It was hell when I got that push. You had no idea what I went through.

Of course I got an idea. You didn't stop whinging for a month.

You've no idea what it's like working as a print rep.

The rudeness, the broken promises, the sheer inefficiency.

Don't you behave. No wonder you aren't making much money.

Then there's the disgusting smell of the ink, the deafening clatter of the

presses. Gary, what do you want me to say?

I want you to say, my poor hero, I had no idea you were so brave. Let's take

our clothes off and work up a sweat.

I can't. We've got to be at rehearsals in an hour.

I see.

So rehearsing that stupid play is more important than celebrating your

Oh, Gary, we can celebrate afterwards.

You won't want to, then.

You'll have had that lance caressing your tonsils with that roll of lino he

calls a tongue.

I can't believe you're really jealous.

Gee, of course I'm not.

Anyway, I wasn't kissing him back.

You didn't have much choice, did you?

My mouth's had a less thorough examination from a dentist.

Anyway, I can't be bothered to go to rehearsals. I've only got the one line.

It's a stupid one, isn't it? Oh, Gary, please, for me. You heard what Gregory

said. It's the pivotal moment. Without you, we can't rehearse it.

Oh, please, darling.

Keep the stockings on when we get back.

I'm sorry, but the Metropolitan Police have a policy of not interfering in

domestic squabbles exits.

What does he look like?

The play's set in the 50s. Actors were debonair.

I never saw James Macon with nine inches of inner tube stuffed down the inside

of his Oxford phone.

Anyway, I'm playing the policeman. I should have the truncheon. You look

Gary,

what are you doing here? This is a main cast rehearsal, dear. You've only got

one line.

Makes a bunch, Yvonne.

Well, I suppose you could make the coffee, as you hear.

And then I do that joke.

My dog's got no nose.

How does he smell?

Horrible.

What do you think?

Well, who's going to say, how does he smell?

Eh?

You haven't got a straight man, Reg.

When you say, my dog's got no nose, you need a straight man to say, how does he

smell? Oh, that's the point.

I suppose you fancy... Me. Oh, do me a favour.

Anyway, it's such a corny old joke, the whole audience will probably yell out,

how does he smell?

That's a thought.

In fact, you'll probably find you've invented a whole new sort of

Reg.

Community joking.

Probably get some sort of medal for it. Next.

Name? Police Constable Reginald Horatio Deadman.

Reg. No, no, I work as Biffo. You can't help loving him. Blogs.

I see, Mr. Blogs. And what do you do?

Well, we haven't actually worked that one out yet.

Right. Excuse me. Excuse me.

It's all right.

I asked this young lady to hold my place while I donated blood.

Is that true?

Not exactly, no. It's more what you might call a lie.

So, are you going to have a go after all?

Well, yeah, I thought, you know, what's the point of having a God -given musical

talent if no -one gets a chance to appreciate it? Excuse me, do you have a

Yes, it's Gary Sparrow.

Gary Sparrow. What do you do, Mr Sparrow? Bird impressions?

Actually, I'm a singer -songwriter.

What's one of those when it's at home?

Well, write songs and sing them.

Why didn't you say so?

My dog's got no nose.

Well, come on.

My dog's got no nose.

And you've got no idea, mate.

My wife's gone to Jamaica and West Indies.

How does she smell?

Look, this is a good one.

What's Hitler going to do?

When he gets his hands on all of Russia's oil and wheat.

Oh, no, Reg, don't do it. No?

He's going to make the world's biggest pancake.

It's turned out nice again.

Hold on.

Oh, Mr. Woo, what shall I do?

I'm almost kind of like my tiny laundry clothes.

How do you think it went? Oh, Reg.

Well, he said there were tomatoes in the shops anyway.

Thank you, Biffo. You've got to admit, he's got a nerve, long.

And now, all the way from Hollywood, it says here, Barry...

Somebody loves you It's no good unless he loves you

All the way

Happy to be near you When you need

someone to cheer you All the way

Deeper than the deep blue sea is,

that's how deep it goes if it's real.

When somebody is, it's no good unless he's real.

And through all the in -between years Come what

may Who knows where the road

may lead us Only a fool would say

But if you let

me love you

No need to push. Give him some air.

Fresh. That's for accident victims, not autograph hunters.

Did you really write that song?

Oh, he said so, didn't he? He's written loads of great songs. If it wasn't for

the water, he'd be a star.

Yeah, he will be. All right, now, that's enough. That's enough. Clear off. Go

on, clear off.

Now, I've got to admit, when I saw you turn up in that suit, I thought to

myself, ooh, another no -over.

What's wrong with the suit?

Well, you can't go on stage in a brown worsted, especially one that looks about

50 years old.

You've got to have the proper evening attire if you want to be taken

What do you mean?

Well, I mean... Well, now, what do you want out of this business, Barry?

Actually, it's Gary.

Good idea changing your name. Never liked Barry. Tell you one thing he wants

of this business, his prize for coming first.

Do I look like a man who carries a radiogram about on his person?

Well, just don't forget.

Oh, don't worry, love.

She's very sharp, your little woman.

Oh, she's not my little... Oh, I understand.

No, you see, I don't only do...

talent competitions, that's just my contribution to keeping up morale.

I'm an impresario, manager, agent, booker and music publisher.

Then what do you do on your day off?

Ah, you stick to the music. I've got someone else to do the jokes. You see,

putting together a little tour. Are you interested?

Well, I don't know. I've got a day job.

Yes, very important. More work.

Oh, don't worry. We're not talking about the London Palladium. Not just yet. No,

it's what I call a tour of the outer suburbs.

Uh, Palmer's Green, Freeham Barnet, Guildford, Dagenham and Climaxing at

Ponder's End.

Ponder's End?

What's London's answer to Las Vegas?

It's two shows a night. Sleep in your own bed.

Five are in your hand, what do you say?

Is that good?

It's very good for a newcomer. Only the great Gary Baldy and his performing

pigeons gets more, but then he's got that millet to buy.

I'm sorry,

you saw how Mark Gary went down here tonight. The women loved him.

You're not the first agent who's shown interest.

No, that's right. He's had the Yanks swarming all over him.

Judy Garland's interested in his musical comedy. He's had supper with Clark

Gable and Greta Garbo. She's got a very vivid imagination, actually.

All right, six quid a night, and I'll get you a set of tails cost price. Now,

make up your mind.

What do you think?

Well, um, how did you feel when you were out there in front of all them people?

Oh, terrified at first, but then I began to feel really great. And when they all

started twapping, I thought, yeah, my life can do with more of this. Seven

guineas a night and you've got a deal.

Right.

You should do a bit of comedy yourself.

All the way.

You're in a good mood?

Yeah, well, did pretty well tonight.

Oh, scored, did you?

Oh, better than that.

I won the tank.

I won a karaoke competition.

Who knows where the road may lead us? Only a fool would say.

What do you think?

Well, I expect it sounded better with a backing track.

So, how did your evening proceed?

No doubt the second I left the room, Lance went from raunching rompers to

pouch and then spent the rest of the night doing his snake charmer

Come off it, Gary. You know exactly how the evening went.

Where did you get it, anyway?

Get what?

The suit for Lance.

Well, didn't it fit? It was his size.

Oh, it fitted.

Well, didn't he like the colour?

The colour wasn't the issue, Gary. It was infested.

He was bitten half to death within seconds of putting it on, as if you

know.

house of the zoo and steal a box of voracious South American piranha fleas.

Get a nasty nip, did he?

He ripped the suit off in five seconds flat and rushed off the stage,

manically. He returned ten minutes later, covered head to foot in cold

resigned from the wilderness.

He said it was an appalling thing to happen to a man who'd been in several

episodes of Trainer.

I see why. Probably only played the back end of the race, though.

So tomorrow, Gregory wants to see you.

Oh, I... I'm out before the bacon. He wants to audition you for the part of

Justin. And I think you stand a really good chance.

Because I told him I wasn't prepared to snog anyone else on stage but my

husband.

Really? So if you fancy a practice tonight... Good night,

sweetheart.

Sleep will banish sorrow.

Good night, sweetheart.

Till we meet tomorrow.