Original subtitles

I've never stopped.

I've never stopped.

See?

See?

No man would make you come like that.

We're meant to be together.

Raymond, where are you going? I gotta go pee or I'm gonna get a bladder

infection. Come on.

Especially after sex like that.

I love him.

Payne, where are you?

Uh, you're back to business.

Mr. Jones, I just went to the bathroom.

I really like this bed.

It's so firm.

Pain fucks me so good on it.

Yeah. Remember that time that she went to visit her sick mother? We must have

done it like two days straight.

Great springs.

You said I could stay here while you were away.

Come on in.

I need a new bed.

A virgin what? A virgin bed.

What the hell is that?

It's a bed that Payne has never slept in, okay? A bed that doesn't have his

energy. I really think that might be what's holding me back from, you know,

moving on and meeting somebody new.

I'm buying one today.

But I thought you already bought a new bed this year.

No, I did. But then I rebounded with him, so it doesn't count.

And it sucks, too, because that was a perfectly good bed.

Oh, wait, honey.

What you need is to get laid by someone else in that bed. That'll change up the

energy. Yeah, and it'll be a lot cheaper.

Are you thirsty?

How does she do that before 10 a .m.? I don't know.

I am.

I have to call you back.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, you want to know? Yeah.

I'm having the most massive affair with Tommy Arrows.

Tommy Arrows? The porn star?

How the fuck'd you hook that up? No, he's not in porn anymore. He's gone

He just did two days on Crazy for Mickey. And, oh, my God. Fuck, I

that up.

Okay, what about Anton?

Oh, it's just, you know, after eight years with him, it's like there's no

energy. It's like I'm fucking my brother.

Then why don't you leave him?

I can't do that. Gee, I love him.

So, anyway, Tommy and I are having anal sex.

Oh, that reminds me. He loves it.

And he snorts coke off my ass.

How hot is that?

No, you guys, I am the snortee, not the snorter.

But sex with this guy is so good, I don't need my pills.

American Car League, hi. It's Stella Gensler. I locked my keys in the car

Uh, yeah, uh, 17 -22 -45.

I'm at 123 Stanhide Avenue.

Two minutes? Oh, good, great, thanks. Bye.

Steph, your keys are right here.

I know.

Okay, this is what I do when I need a little attention.

I call the ACL, and in about two minutes, I get a hot hunk of a man who

like motor oil here to save me.

Well,

I've got clients to insure, because some of us are actually working today.

And I just don't think, you know, auto service, house calls, and butt -snorting

porn stars, especially ass -fucking, those are not subjects to rush. So, gee,

good luck with the bed. Thank you.

Oh, oh, my God, okay?

Hottest, hottest one yet, okay?

The ass?

Unbelievable.

Okay.

Okay, maybe I should try that, and it'll change my look.

Well, honey, you want to win the lottery, you've got to buy a ticket.

I can't decide between these four.

I want this bed to be perfect.

Yes, so you mentioned.

Look, they're all really good beds. Why don't you just take a little more time

and come and get me when you're ready?

It really is so good to see you again.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, it's so sweet that you still have my picture up there with Pamela Anderson

and Tom Green. And they're Canadian, too. Yes.

Isn't it nice how you Canadians know when someone else is Canadian?

It's just...

Fascinating.

It's so hard.

There's so many to choose from.

I know.

Did you just move here?

Oh, no.

I'm buying a new bed that my evil ex -boyfriend has never slept in.

I completely understand.

I just moved in with my boyfriend. I want a bed that is crazy. X never slept

She was totally nuts.

Exactly. You know, see, I think you need to do away with all that negative

energy, right? And you start fresh with an innocent bed.

It's my third one.

Really? Bad year.

I change my bed after each lover.

It's a must.

I have an account here.

Let me guess.

You just broke up with somebody.

Oh, baby.

I'll go live working on the show today. I swear, it's so cool going to work and

not having to fuck.

As long as you want to fuck after work, I'm happy for you. You know what would

be perfect?

What?

To line up my ass.

And then we could fly together.

Just make me crazy.

My theory is that only scorned women buy new beds. Okay, this is so ridiculous.

Have you ever thought of, I don't know, changing the sheet?

You know, it's really rude to talk on a cell phone in a restaurant.

Actually, G, it's really rude to interrupt people when they're on the

Okay, kid.

Let's play nice. Sasha, get off.

I'm back. So, Deep, you bed the car guy?

Oh, please. She never sleeps with them. They have to, like, quarter for a year

before she puts out.

So, okay.

What are we going to have?

We have had soul food three times this month. I don't think my ass can take any

more. Do you really think that Sasha, you know, still has enough issues?

I don't know. I mean, she was conceived on the pill and a condom, so she is

capable of anything.

Sasha, could you please get off the phone now?

Hi.

We're going to have three of the Tuesday specials, and my daughter's going to

have some grit.

The big mama special, and we want to get that with the smothered cheese. Okay,

Mom! I get it! I'm black!

Can I please just get a hamburger?

Don't black people eat hamburgers?

Ma 'am, this is from that gentleman over there.

Pitbull energy?

Oh, fuck.

He's cute.

Oh,

cool. What are you watching?

Oh, I love that show.

Sasha, I want you to get off the phone now. Who are you talking to anyway?

My boyfriend.

Your boyfriend?

You're nine.

Yeah, you're right. Maybe I should wait until I'm 32.

She's got one. I don't. Okay.

Excuse me, ladies.

Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to come over and say hi.

Hi. You don't remember me. I used to come into that club that you bartended

I had a really big crush on you.

I'm Stacy.

I'm Gigi.

Oh, I know.

I do remember you. You walked me home once, didn't you?

Yeah.

Sorry.

I almost fell asleep outside waiting for you. I didn't have enough money to get

in the club that night, but I knew it was the only chance I'd probably get to

talk to you, so... Oh, God, that's so sweet.

I don't remember, was I nice? Oh, yeah, yeah, you were great.

So, are you originally from L .A.? No, no, I'm from Berkeley.

The bad part of Berkeley, I come from a bit of a rough past.

Really?

What kind of a rough past?

Now, I don't want to tell you.

You know, it happened a long time ago.

I don't want to offend you.

You're not going to offend me. I'm not going to judge you.

I'm an ex -pimp.

Would you like to see my house?

Well,

actually, the bed was a little soft, and you guys do have a 90 -day comfort

-back guarantee, so... Yes.

Aren't you lucky?

Well, why don't you go and look at some of our more expensive models over there,

and I'll start the paperwork on your exchange policy.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh. How are you?

Good. Nice to see you again.

I thought you bought your bed already.

Oh, yeah.

There was something wrong with it.

Oh. You didn't get yours?

No. I didn't want to buy it without my boyfriend trying it. Today was the only

day he could come. Oh.

Actually,

hang on a second.

Sweetie.

Um, Gigi, this is Payne.

How you doing?

You're living with someone?

Not really, G.

Louise is just staying with me.

She just moved down here from Vancouver.

Oh, so you're not living together, but you're buying a new bed together.

She just wants a bed. I ain't slept with anybody yet.

Really?

Mm -hmm. Did she realize she's gonna have to change it every hour?

Where's Francesca? Oh, she's just finishing up for Tommy Eros. She'll be

in.

Can you fucking believe he's living with someone?

I mean, the shoes aren't even cold in the... The chick has moved in. Oy,

the sheets are pretty cold. It's been a year.

Don't even think about him. He is a fuckwad.

Franny, I don't know why I'm not with him. I have never loved anybody more

Payne Jones, you know?

But he's such a fucking cocksucker.

I don't know how I messed this up. You didn't. He did. He couldn't keep his

in his pants from the bathroom to the kitchen.

Yeah, but now he's going to be faithful to this new girl. I just have this

feeling. Hey, are you guys talking about Payne Jones, the music guy?

the odds. I, like, totally sucked his dick last night.

Okay, the sitter's picking you up after school today because I have a meeting

with clients for dinner, okay?

Be nice to her, okay?

Have a great day. I love you.

I love you, too.

Good morning, Sasha.

Good morning, Mrs. Williams. It's nice to finally meet you.

You, too.

Don't worry about Sasha. I'll take good care of her.

Okay. This is for you, for having such a beautiful daughter.

Thank you.

Have a nice day. Bye, Mom.

Bye.

Bet never told me I want to do a line off you first.

Well, I don't think so, Franny. What?

I mean, this week has meant so much to me working on the show, and I really

don't want to mess up my career.

Career? I mean, I need to clean my act up if I want to be a serious actor.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying no more coke.

But we can still fuck like daggers.

Hello?

I'm not in love with her, G.

You gotta believe me.

And I didn't want you to find out like this about her staying with me.

You mean living with you?

Come on, G.

That's not fair.

I wanted to live with you.

You were always away.

I was making movies. I was working.

You didn't know what you wanted.

You know, what I wanted was for you to stop fucking other people.

Hey, pooch. Look at the beautiful dog. He's beautiful.

Hey. Oh.

I can't get him away from my crotch.

I can't blame him.

I can't get his face out of my crotch.

I never had so much fun as I had when I was with you.

Baby,

I was good.

Now you have a girlfriend.

I'm giving you back the custody.

You know, I... I'm just not sure I'm still that sexually attracted to it.

This is, uh, some porn we made together.

It's too painful for me to have around the house.

And I don't want Louise to find it, so... Hey.

This one isn't me.

I don't get this movie. It's such a big hit. What's so great about it? All I

know is while they're waiting to exhale, we're sitting here waiting for

menopause.

It's pathetic.

No, this is pathetic.

Pathetic is me chaperoning for my nine -year -old who is on a hotter date than

have had in months.

Okay, I'm officially bored.

Gee, I need to borrow your auto service card. I'm over my limit.

What, you're going to call them now?

No, I already did.

I just need to let the air out of my tires.

Well, it's clear we've hit rock bottom.

What are we going to do next? Start a fire so we can call firemen?

No, not in the house.

Payne and I once started a fire.

Shut up!

Good night, Pasha.

Good night, Mom.

Yes, 22 -88 -14.

I locked my keys in my car.

Hey.

What the hell am I

doing? I am not as fucked up as they are.

I'm so sorry. I found my key.

That's all right.

Hey, it's G. Leave a message.

Servus, GGs .com.

Yeah, I forgot to read your horoscope today. It is a good one. Listen, Junior

Udrag. Listen, you will bring yourself great pleasure today.

Your success is in your own hands. You will do it.

Planets of love and lust collide in an explosive eruption of joy.

That's wonderful.

What are you doing now?

Call me back. I want to tell you about my prostrate exam.

Okay, but you have to stick his finger in my... Yeah, yeah, wait a minute.

Someone's on the other line.

Hi.

Gee.

I've been driving around for hours.

Thinking.

I mean, we've tried 500 times to make this work.

I have strong feelings for her.

And I think I love her.

Penn, you can't keep doing this.

I know.

I won't.

I want to make it work with Louise.

Good. You should. You should.

I mean, enough is enough, right?

Are we okay?

Yes.

Yes.

Is there someone here, G?

Oh my God, my father's still leaving a message. Let me go answer it.

Fuck are you doing?

No reason we can't hit it one last time.

I need a new bed.

This program is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to events, persons or

companies is entirely coincidental.