Original subtitles

Tonight, we take our freedom.

Yes! Tonight, the whole world will know that slaves' lives matter.

Slaves' lives matter!

Slaves' lives matter!

Slaves' lives matter!

Um, don't all lives matter?

Fucking hell, Dwayne. No, no, I'm just saying, when you say it like that, it's

like you're saying slave...

Owners' lives don't matter. Of course all lives matter. We're just, you know,

focusing on us because we're fucking slaves, Dwayne. I guess I just worry

it might alienate people. Like, when I hear slaves' lives matter, it makes me

think, are these guys looking for equality or supremacy?

What the fuck?

Dwayne, I think we are on a pretty firm footing with this one.

Yeah, I think we can afford to be a little hostile to the people who are

enslaving and killing us, Dwayne.

Doesn't make them bad people, though.

What? Now, a lot of these slave owners, you know, they're just doing their jobs.

So maybe check your privilege, guys. Yeah?

Yeah. Do you know whose life doesn't matter?

Dwayne. Throw this shitbag overboard.

No, no! Get him off! Come on, Dwayne! All black on black violence!

Why don't you challenge a stereotype?

I'll help you proud of yourself!

If there's anyone out there who knows what happened to my son, then please

up the phone and get in touch.

He's my son.

But he's my only son.

It's okay. Look at him!

Look what they did to my son!

He's a fucking policeman!

Filth!

One minute he's my little boy, the next he's a pig!

Well, I can't take it anymore. I just want my little boy back.

Mum, you're embarrassing me.

Get off me!

No further questions.

Thank you.

Hey, you all strapped for soldiers.

Guess where we are? We're in your postcard.

I'm going to leave you a little gift.

Posse. You got some front stepping on our turf.

Try that again and you won't make it out alive.

Also, quick word on your graffiti.

You got nice smooth lines there. There's an anarchical approach to the human

body that shows real talent and flair. Message over.

Stratford soldiers.

I'm not going to lie, I've been drawing for a while now, and I wasn't really

encouraged at school.

But thanks to positive feedback like yours, yeah, it's given me the

to express myself in the public arena.

Furthermore, what do you think about these watercolours that man done?

Mad ting. See the texture?

Mad texture.

Who did those brushstrokes? You did those brushstrokes? Nah, it must have

done by Monet or something.

They're banging blood.

Terrell here says it was the best representation of grass he's seen

the National Gallery.

Didn't you say that, Terrell?

Yeah, yeah.

Message over.

Stratford soldiers were truly humbled by your feedback. And by way of

appreciation, mind you're a special thing for a man like Terrell.

Big T, man got you.

Message over.

Ina in posse. That picture of Terrell is the bomb.

He properly loves it, don't you, Terrell? Yeah, yeah.

He's taken it to his mum's house and hung it up in her downstairs toilet.

What, downstairs toilet?

What? My thing in the downstairs toilet? Are you mad? Listen, men spent weeks on

that thing. You want it, Van Gogh?

And your feedback was dead!

Yeah, feedback was dead!

Detective Moses Moultrie reporting for duty.

Motherfuckers! A black man in a white man's world.

Had a partner, but he got sat down in the last episode.

Now Moultrie gotta work alone.

Crimes to solve and bitches to probe.

Moultrie! Moultrie!

Moultrie! And don't be forgetting your new wisecracking partner, A .J. Rowley,

all the way from Beverly Hills.

Ooh, this is nice.

Dino sequence!

Don't be fucking up my dino sequence!

Come on, brother, you need to be a little deeper than that. Like you got

those big -ass, hooved -ass, stringy -ass dicks between your legs.

Throw some authority and shit. More like, hey, man, don't be fucking up my

sequence. I'm just joking, brother. I like you.

Uh -oh. Look at this white dude over here. He be like, uh, sorry to

inconvenience you, but would you please remove this knife from my back, please?

Thank you.

Mother...

Fucker! Will you stop with all the wisecracks? This is an affluent village

middle England. Anybody got time for funny -ass voices?

Let's tell us here on these streets, man.

Uh, really? Because it seems like we're surrounded by a lot of timid old white

people.

Holy shit, Mountie, watch out, man.

Oi!

Listen here.

We have had enough of all this diversity going on in this village.

One of you is all right, but two, two diversities?

That's just madness, ain't it? Yeah, wait, wait. Oh, you got a problem with

diversity, motherfucker?

Well, how about I fuck both your wives, get them pregnant to adjust the balance,

bitch? You leave, I'll get thrown out with it.

How long do we have to do this for, mate? Shut the fuck up!

Hey!

Big man!

You can play with us, you know.

Black toys are fun too, yeah?

And mad playable.

He's never going to play with you.

His mum got you from the Reggie style at Asda.

Can't believe this.

It's okay, guys.

We can all play together. We don't need Andy.

Yep. You ain't one of us, Sam. We're in 2019 now.

I don't know what all the big fun is about.

Dear admired friend, it is my solemn duty to inform you of the passing of

distant relative and member of the Nigerian royal family, Uncle Atumbe.

What?

Uncle Atumbe left $2 million to you in his will, and now all that is needed...

Is your bank account details!

No! Uncle Atumbe!

How would I go on?

Delete!

Did you have to leave us, Uncle Atumbe?

You were so young and full of life.

Oh, how we will miss your love, son.

Baby, how can you be eating graffitis at a time like this?

Our Uncle Atumbe is dead.

He's dead. He's dead.

His blood is dead, man.

And to compound misery, his relatives are not even returning my emails.

All I can do is bury you with your millions of dollars, Uncle Tunde.

Bring me the money!

Every step you take.

Every move you make.

Everything you do.

Every time we play.

I'll be watching you.

Congratulations to the happy couple, Tunde and Abiola.

Artie, tell me, how is your grandson?

My grandson?

He is good. He is good.

How is yours?

He is very good.

In fact, here he is.

Hello, Artie.

Look at him.

So tall.

Yes. He has... grown.

What it would appear, my grandson, is perhaps a few inches taller than

you.

Grandson,

tell Auntie about your new job.

Ask the doctor!

I've just started.

Thomas! Tell auntie here all about your being a lawyer.

My grandson, he has been married for five years. Thomas

has been married for seven years and produced two children.

Grandson, show auntie a picture of your children.

It's just a shame that their mother is a JAMAICA!

John, what are you doing? Get down.

No behavior.

And the GP.

Go and get me water.

Hurry up, small boy. Come on. Get me coconut.

Pan? You look pan me there, Leslie?

Was I looking at your girlfriend?

Jack, you see how he might admit it?

He might watch you, you know, Leslie. He mad with jealousy and envy and rage and

all them things there.

He's probably undressing you with him eyes right now. How dare you, sir?

No, I really wasn't.

Close them.

What? Close your filthy eyes.

Look, I'm sorry, I really wasn't looking.

Like that?

You were looking in my general direction. I was just being polite.

What? Leslie, this shoe.

You all look upon this man.

Oh.

Leslie. You want to go runway with him?

I'm actually married.

Shut up. You want to go live in a big, big, big, big, big fancy bloodcrap

Leslie, you can't do this to me, man.

You know I say me love you.

Me love every inch of your girl. Please don't leave me, Leslie.

Yes, baby.

You know, when you love, you get wicked in my eyes. You touch up my things and

my pussy and my cat. Ah, give me a kiss, baby.

Give me one more for the white man.

Yeah, man, let go. Grab me, Batty.

Yes, baby.

Can I open my eyes yet?

From Fantastic Agusti Reality Televisuals and Channel 5, 100

In conjunction with Endemole, Stay Lighty Factor 200 Sun Cream brings you

Celebrity Romantic Peninsula Factions!

Watch as a group of youthful and sexual singletons are housed in a genuine

luxury villa -struck mansion.

Wow! Look at a luxury mansion -struck villa we have been housed in! Watch as

genuine romance blossoms!

But then also enjoy the constant arguing, breakups, and casual sex with

partnerings.

Starring... I'm actually here to find the love of my life.

Or do it.

And also... You know, I just want

people to get to know the real blessing.

Which one of you dirty fucking animals left this spoon on his side?

And also starring a whole host of interchangeable and instantly

contestants.

Twitter stormings.

Including the only two gay men in the villa who are forced to

couple up because they are the only two gay men in the villa.

And how could we forget Amy, the woman who all the men in the villa are

over. For some reason.

That's fine.

Tune in to Celebrity Romantic Peninsula Passions three times a day, seven days a

week. No, seriously.

It's on that much, but you end up watching it for some fucking reason.

Coming soon.

And open them.

Happy Father's Day.

Wow. What a delicious breakfast you've prepared.

You're welcome, darling.

I'm so lucky.

To have such an amazing wife and such beautiful children.

You know what?

I'm going to share a photo of this on Instagram.

Show the world how blessed I am.

Upload. And there we are.

Wonderful. Now don't forget about your breakfast. Just having a look at what's

on my feed.

Oh, look.

Little Pump has signed a new record deal for $10 million.

Wow. And he's only 18.

Good for him.

Put the phone down now, darling.

Oh, I see Takeshi69 is surrounded by girls on a speedboat.

Again.

Peter, put the phone away.

Well, Vicky's bought a new Lambo.

Great stuff.

Please?

Why?

Why am I such a fucking loser?

How have I ended up in this hell?

This hell on earth?

I have been cursed with these chains.

Why don't I get to go to pool parties?

Why didn't I get to date Amber Rose?

Why don't I have a blue tick?

Peter, why are you doing this?

We are so insignificant on Instagram.

Oh, my God. What is it?

Richard Blackwood just liked our new photo.

The Richard Blackwood?

Wow.

One, two, three, four, get with the wicked.

This is Black Oscar history from a man like me, Scribbler P.

Oscars so white, narcos.

Oscars so woke.

Black people have a long history of being recognised by the Oscars. And for

extremely dynamic and nuanced roles.

Save, seven, save, save, seven, save, save.

Seventh, Prisoner, Eddie Murphy.

Big up the originator, gal like Hattie McDaniels, who took home the gold for

playing Mommy's Two Shoes in Tom and Jerry.

Even that and Wikipedia's chatting shit. But she paved the way for other

incredible roles, like Cuba Gooding Jr.

as black backing dancer in Jerry Maguire and Halle Berry in Monsters Ball.

A film role so deep, I've been watching the same 30 seconds of it on repeat.

Y 'all know them.

That footage is emotional, my Gigi.

An honourable mention to some of my black British nominees.

Marianne Jean -Baptiste, Daniel Kaluuya, and Chewbacca,

the main slave from 12 Years a Slave.

But remember, black people, if you're ever nominated for an Oscar, tell Warren

Beatty to put on his fucking glasses.

This is Black Oscar History for a man like me.

Turn up fuses.

Oh, I love this song.

Music again?

Beyonce bass.

Oh, of course, yeah.

I don't really like Beyonce.

Fired? You can't fire me for not liking Beyonce.

you doing that's messed up you're dead to me so i don't like beyonce what's the

problem with that funny man no you can't do this

I told people I'd never watched Dirty Dancing.

Oh, Jesus.

You poor thing.

You.

I told people I didn't like Beyonce.

You fucking what?

No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, when the whisper go.

Sorry, excuse me.

Your, um... chest area?

It's sort of... Jiggling, yeah, I know. And you couldn't take your eyes off

them, obviously.

Not so much jiggling.

Is there something alive in there? Oh, you little flat, you.

Just do that again.

Just now.

OK, you can have my number.

It's 075... Oh, bloody hell.

Dr. Vazneshi?

No, I'm not happy, actually.

I... What's that?

Autumn sale on lips and nose?

Yeah, you can book me an appointment.

You all right, babe?

Do you want a baby wipe or something?

Happy.

I beg you, just tell me.

Please.