Original subtitles

Ground floor, perfumery,

stationary and leather goods.

Blinks and haberdashery, kitchenware and food.

First floor, telephones, guest-ready made suits,

shirts, socks, pies, hats...

Oh I have Mr. Rambold for you.

- There's no need for me to speak to him.

- He doesn't want to speak to you.

- Just tell him I want to see him.

Oh he's hung up.

- Oh dear, well get him again.

Just tell him he's wanted.

Oh I'm sorry, would you tell him Mr. Rambold wants him?

Thank you.

- Now I need a file.

- Oh I think I've got one in here.

- From the filing cabinet!

- Oh sorry.

- Mr. Rambold's office.

Oh, it's Captain Peacock.

- Oh dear, well ask him what he wants.

He wants to know what you want.

- I want him in here, not on the phone.

- Mr. Ramble doesn't want you on the phone.

Oh.

- He's hung up again.

- I'm going to get very cross in a minute.

- I hope it's nothing I've done.

- Try to get Captain Peacock on the phone.

- But I thought you wanted him in here!

- Oh well I better do it myself.

Hello, who is this?

What do you mean you can't guess?

I'm not asking you to guess who I am,

I want to know who you are.

I see, you won't tell me until I tell you.

It's hopeless, isn't it?

This is Mr. Rambold, I want to speak

to Captain Peacock.

Will you find Captain Peacock and tell him

he's wanted urgently on the phone.

- Oh thank you sir I'll take it here if you don't mind.

Captain Peacock here, I understand you have

an urgent telephone call for me.

- It's me!

- I'm sorry sir, I understood you to say it was for me.

- It was for you!

- I see no reason why I shouldn't take an

urgent telephone call.

It might have been from my wi--

My mother.

- It was me phoning you.

- I wanted to speak to you urgently.

- Well you only had to pick up the telephone.

- Excuse me.

- What was it that you wanted to see me about?

- I wanted to you to advise the staff

of the decoration program.

Now I have the details here.

Oh Ms. Thorpe, where's the maintenance file?

- Yes.

- I filed it yesterday under A.

- Yes, I file most things under A.

- I don't quite follow.

- Well, a letter, a sales report, a customer's complaint.

- A difficult way of finding anything.

- Ms. Thorpe is only temporary.

- No, no, no we'll talk about it lat--

Ah, here's the decorating file.

This goes under M.

- I see, D goes under M.

- Decorating comes under maintenance

and maintenance comes under M.

- I think my system's much simpler.

- It's certainly different.

You must tell me more about it.

- I'm afraid I can't stop now because

it's my coffee break, excuse me.

Now Captain Peacock, Peacock!

- Sir.

- Now this is what I want you to explain to staff.

The decorator's coming in tomorrow.

- Yes sir, I hate to interrupt you but if it's

not all that urgent, I am a minute into my coffee break.

I hope you won't mind if I come back later.

- I have a complaint but I can't remember

who served me before.

- Have you retained a receipt, because without it

we can't do anything.

- Yes, here it is.

I'm terrible at remembering faces.

- Oh yes, I'm 51.

- Yes, it was an elder woman.

- I am assistant 51, that is my number.

- Do forgive me, I'm just so upset over my purchase.

- One washable ladies wig, color brown ash,

four pounds 50.

Well now, what seems to be the trouble?

- Well after one wash it's just dreadful.

I look a fright in it!

- Yes, I see what you mean.

Of course you can't possibly go about like that.

If you care to take it off I'll send it back to the factory.

This is my own hair!

That's the wig!

- Just a moment sir.

I've got a customer here who says he can't come in

to be measured for a suit and could we send him one.

- He's white but he doesn't know his size.

- Give it to me.

Good morning sir.

Oh yes.

Have you got a tape measure there?

If you take the measurements we'll write them down.

He's got a nice voice.

Right sir, yes.

Hold it between the thumb and forefinger of your left hand.

You hold the tape, sir.

We'll do your chest first.

Now throw it 'round your back and let the tape

run through the fingers of your right hand.

Now bring both ends together, breathe in, now out again.

Now put your finger on the mark, what does it read?

Oh I see.

He can't read it, he's got his long distance

driving glasses on.

- I wonder what he wears for driving short distances.

- He's got his others but he's ought to drop

the tape while he was doing it.

Now sir we'll do something much easier.

We'll do your sleeve.

Place the tape on the seam,

on the shoulder seam on your jacket.

He's wearing a sweater.

Just put it where your shoulder finishes

and your arm starts.

I wish I never started this.

- Oh go on, you're working well, you're working well.

- Now sir, stretch your arm out to it's full extent

and tell me what it reads at your wrist.

Hello?

You're very faint, sir.

He's holding the phone in the hand we're measuring the arm.

Sir, can you shout, yes you can yes.

Bring the phone back to your ear.

Now what does it read?

Oh good, six inches.

Just let it dangle down sir, we'll do it that way.

Now what does it read.

Yes, I see.

Oh good, we've got one, 48 inches.

That's from your hand to your floor.

- 40, he must be standing like that.

- Told you he had a nice voice.

- Yes sir.

We'll take that as his outside leg measurement.

Now while we're in that area, we'll do your inside leg.

This should be fun.

- You've oughta be careful.

You know it's an offense to make dirty phone calls.

- Yes I think you've gone far enough Mr. Humphries,

I'll take it on now.

- Hey but this is my customer Mr. Grainger,

what about my commission?

- There will be no commission without a sale.

Good morning sir.

This is Mr. Grainger, the senior assistant speaking.

What color suit had you in mind sir?

Dark blue.

- Dark blue.

- And what is your height sir? Five foot 10.

- Height five foot 10.

11 stone four.

- 11 stone four.

- That is all we need to know sir, thank you.

Send him a dark blue regular 44 and credit the sale to me.

- Yes Mr. Grainger, what's the customer's address?

- Oh damn.

- Yes at the present.

- I'd like a word with you.

Also Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Lucas, center floor please.

- I think Captain Peacock's trying to attract

our attention, he's waving his arms about.

- Well if he wants me he'll have to come across personally.

I don't not respond to waves.

- What about that man you met on your holiday?

- Oh that was different.

He was waving from his yacht.

We thought you had a fly buzzing 'round your rooftop.

- I have an announcement to make.

- Well go on then.

- Not here, over there.

- Because I have to tell the gentleman.

- No.

- Well tell them, and then come back and tell us.

- I have to tell everybody because it affects all of us.

- Very well. Come on.

- Now then, Mr. Rambold has asked me to tell you

that tomorrow the decorators will be coming in.

- No, but Mr. Grace can only afford to have one department

decorate it so which shall it be?

- Could we see the decorator first before

we make up our mind?

- Well I shouldn't be decorating because

I've been here the longest.

- My services are cracking up something shocking.

I could definitely do with scraping down.

- Captain Peacock, would you use your senior position

to tell Mr. Lucas to shut his cakehole?

- Lucas, you are not indispensable.

There are many young men who would bend over backwards

to get into Grace Brothers.

- That's one of the qualifications.

- You've nearly got me the sack then.

- You should have been put in one at birth.

- Now Mrs. Linda, you are supposed to set an example.

You descend to his level by making remarks like that,

you will only lose face.

- If I had a face like hers I'd be glad to lose it.

- Could we stop all this tittle tattle and get down

to who's going to decorate?

- Yes, quite right Mr. Grainger.

I think we ought to toss for it.

- That seems the fairest way.

- No, no, I think highest senior person present

should do it better.

Now I will toss and you call.

Heads.

- Rolled under the counter.

- That's my coffee money.

I can see it.

- If you give me a torch and a mirror I'll tell you.

- Nevermind, I'll toss and I'll call.

- Tails.

- Head.

- Heads it is.

- Drat.

- It's alright, I've got it out. It's heads.

- Ah, that's what I've called first, we've won.

- But I've called heads and they're both heads

so we've won.

- You didn't call at all the first time.

- Wait a minute, I know how to settle this.

- Let's toss for it.

- No, nevermind.

My decision is final.

The ladies will be decorating.

- Oh thank you Captain Peacock.

I could do with a few days off.

- Oh you may certainly have a few days off if you wish.

- Oh goodie!

- Without pay of course.

- But it's not our fault we're being closed down!

- But you're not.

You'll be temporary accommodated in the gentleman's section.

Are we expected to lose some of our limited counter space?

Temporarily, yes.

- I refuse!

Perhaps you'd like

a few days off without pay.

- Go get a chair for Mr. Grainger.

- Don't tell me what is up with that all day.

Just look at her!

- I know, and that dreadful racket.

- Mrs. Slocombe, Ms. Brahms, would you be over there,

will you?

I can't stop because I'm taking the workers

they're elevensies.

- Yeah well the work had started at seven o' clock

didn't it?

In an eight hour day, that makes

nine o' clock their elevensies.

- Well at that rate, it means they'll

be going home at three.

- Oh no, no they'll be going home at five, wouldn't they?

Cop the overtime.

- We never get overtime.

- It's your fault for being middle class, isn't it eh?

- Let's get our displays up.

- Redecorating.

- No I don't mean that, I mean that woman.

She's taking down my wide fronts.

- You're not gonna stand for that are you Mr. Grainger?

- I'll hold your coat while you're waiting.

- That's more like it.

- Mrs. Slocombe, I demand that you take down

your underwear immediately.

- That goes for Ms. Brahms as well.

- Oh you cheeky devil.

- And what do you suggest I do with my displays?

- You'll remove all this under that counter

and yourselves as well.

- We'll see what Captain Peacock has to say.

- Yes and there he is now.

- Fairly quiet in there, Mr. Mash.

- Yeah well it's a bit tricky

at the moment, Captain Peacock.

- The foreman's got 10 pounds riding on three aces.

- Captain Peacock, a word in your ear.

Mr. Grandier is being most abstropulous.

He's crying to squeeze me around the corner.

- That's very unlike Mr. Grainger.

- No, no, no.

I mean that he refuses to let us have enough room.

He's treating us just like squatters.

- I'll have a word.

Mr. Grainger, the ladies are complaining

that they haven't got enough room.

No, and neither have we!

- There's three of us and only two of them.

- Which is why they've got the small counter.

- I cannot work when I'm constricted.

- Well take your corsets off.

- Ooh you're asking for such a belt 'round the earhole.

- Well uh...

- Oh come on Kissinger!

- Oh I'll just have a little corner to put a display up

so that the customers will know where we are.

- Well, it is the thin end of the wedge.

- Well just a couple of feet.

- One foot.

Well that sounds very reasonable.

- Very well.

- I'll measure it Mr. Grainger.

- Oh, a trial for diplomacy.

- Oh come on Ms. Brahms,

let's clear some space for ourselves.

- Well done Mr. Grainger.

What's the matter, you've gone quite white.

- Oh dear me.

My private drawer is behind there

with a lot of very personal things in it.

- Is that where you keep all your copies of

the girly magazines?

- Just look at all this rubbish.

- Ooh, it's a piece of pork pie.

Ohh, look. False teeth!

Such is my spare pair.

- He only wears those when he's asking for a ride.

- I think we should sling the whole lot in the bin

and then disinfect the drawer.

- That is my personal drawer and everything in it

is absolutely vital.

- What's vital about a truss and and old Russian book?

- Oh, let's have a look, I've never seen one!

- Leave my truss alone!

- I meant the Russian book.

- All we want is the space, not your old rubbish.

- Well I'm going to take this and put it in

some nookie where you can't find it.

- Oh they're behind the curtain, I'll go an get them.

- Mrs. Slugging and I haven't got any busts.

- Some people are never satisfied.

Mrs. Brahms, I wouldn't if I were you.

- Too late.

- They goosed me, look!

- Allow me.

- Get out!

- Captain Peacock, what do you think you're doing?

- Ms. Brahms has just been molested

by one of the decorators.

- What a dirty old man.

- No it was the young good-looking one.

- Oh you mean the one that looks like Tom Jones?

- Yes, that's the one.

- I'd like to see him do that to me.

- No he didn't.

The one that looks like Stattle got there first.

Oh well.

We've have to scrub around the busts.

We'll have to pinch one of the mens.

You ought to go and tell them to knock it off.

- I will.

Oh Mr. Humphries, are you free?

- Yes I'm free Captain Peacock.

I have to go and have a severe word with the decorators.

- Oh, Captain Peacock, shall I take over for Mr. Humphries

while Mr. Humphries takes over for you?

- Don't be facetious Mr. Lucas.

- Surely it wasn't the one that looked like Tom Jones.

- No it was the one that looked like Larry Grayson.

- Yes, and it's the biggest one of these they've got.

- But it looks terrible.

- He does need a hormone injection.

- I've never needed them!

- No, no, no, I mean in stock.

- Oh yeah, they're behind there.

- Well we're not going behind there again.

Oh well we'll just have to stuff them out with something.

- Why don't you try a couple of tea kegs in the canteen,

you know, those with the cherries on top?

- That's enough of that, thank you Mr. Lucas.

Oh but if we could just borrow a couple of pairs of socks.

- Mr. Humphries.

Mrs. Slocombe wants to know if she can borrow

a couple of pairs of socks to stuff in her bra.

- She's not gonna talk to those workmen again, is she?

- No, she's gonna stuff in the dummy.

- Oh I've got the very thing.

I was saving these to take home.

I was going to use them tonight.

- What were you gonna do with a pair of falsies?

- I wear them on my knees when I'm polishing the parking.

- Yes well I'm looking for some sweaters.

- Well I don't think you'll find them down there.

This way sir.

Mr. Humphries, will you show this gentleman

what you've got in the sweater?

- Oh yes, quite a range in size 40 but precious

little in everything else.

- Oh dear, I'm 38.

- Oh dear, should I get out the 38's that have

been incorrectly marked 40?

- What a good idea.

- Excuse me, excuse me.

- How dare you.

- Excuse me.

- Ooh, what pretty colors!

- Oh, I like this.

- Oh yes, it's very you sir. Isn't it Mr. Lucas?

- Oh yes, I can't imagine you in anything else sir.

- Yes, yes we do, just around the corner.

- Excuse me darling.

- Hurry back darling.

- I'm only going around the corner.

- Well be careful.

Oh you'll have to excuse us, we're on our honeymoon.

- Well if it gets urgent, we've got a spare

fitting room around the corner.

- This is the first time we've been out.

- I can believe it.

- I quite fancy it.

- I've noticed.

- He means the sweater.

- They're 850 sir.

Half man-made wool, half polyester fiber.

- Surely that's made by men as well.

- Ah yes, but it's made by different men.

I don't think I'd fancy this next to my skin.

- I can't resist cashmere.

- Ah yes, cashmere.

Very ideal for a romantic honeymoon cuddle sir,

very cozy and warm.

- You're right, I always wear cashmere socks.

- Yes, not quite so romantic somehow though, is it?

- 38 cashmere coming up.

Excuse me.

Are all these sizes correct?

- Oh yes sir, these 38's are even more 38's

than those 38's.

- Well they're the last ones at this price sir.

- The snippet, 20 pounds.

- Look, it's the same color.

- And it suits madam beautifully.

I can't imagine her in anything else.

- Feel how smooth this is darling.

- Ohh, cashmere.

- Yes, but far too expensive I'm afraid.

We've got to fit our flat out.

We've only fitted out one room so far.

- I'm psychic.

- It does make you look so handsome, doesn't it?

- Yes, makes you look practically young as well sir.

- And it's such a gay color.

- Oh you've convinced me, I'll put one aside for meself.

- But it's 20 pounds!

- So's mine.

- Well we can't afford both.

- Well you could camp out in the bedroom for a year.

- I think I'll leave this behind and I'll buy you a sweater

out of my money.

When you're married they're supposed to fork out.

- But this is supposed to be a birthday present for me.

- Oh well let him buy it himself.

- You keep out of this!

Should I or shouldn't I?

- I don't know but I think it'd help out

if there was a rush.

- I can't resist it.

- Oh darling!

- Sale Mr. Lucas.

- No sale Mrs. Slocombe.

- Wrap it up before they start again.

- Men.

I never want to work with men again.

- I thought it was very mean of Mr. Grainger

not to loan you his pencil when you lost yours.

- It was typical.

- Nevermind, I've got our own back.

You know how he always licks the end of his own pencil

before he makes out a bill?

Well I substituted it with one from the joke department

so when he licks the end this time, it'll go all fizzy!

- Oh Ms. Brahms, that was very naughty.

I can't wait to see his face when he licks it.

That's if he can see which end to lick.

Well that's why they're not here yet.

He can't find his glasses.

- They're in my handbag.

- Look out.

- Ignore them. - They're coming.

- Straight on, straight on, straight on Mr. Grainger.

- I'm sure that I had them on the counter.

- You had have a spare pair.

I can't think what's happened to them.

- I have my suspicions.

- Pass the sauce Ms. Brahms.

- Oh, well done Mr. Lucas.

Not much left.

- Oh dear me, no.

- He did that deliberate.

- Nevermind, pass me that full bottle on the next table.

I can't see.

- It's coming slowly.

- We've got nearly another hour.

Keep at it Mr. Grainger.

- Ugh!

Oh well, I like a lot of sauce.

- Hello hello.

How's the happy little band eh?

- Well we should be very happy when the ladies have gone.

- The feeling is mutual.

- That's a lumpy bit of tomato soup

you've got there isn't it?

It's right put me off.

I think I'll go and get meself a coffee.

- I think I'll have a pudding.

- That Mrs. Slocombe gets in my hair.

- Metaphorically speaking you mean.

- Mind you, I think all the women have got

a bit uppity as soon as Margaret Thatcher got in.

I was out with this girl last night.

I took her back to her place, we were just getting down

to it when suddenly she slapped me wrist,

told me I was out of order and I should leave the house.

- No sense of humor.

Look when you tickled Ms. Brahms up the leg

with that feather duster.

She didn't even smile.

I would have found that quite amusing.

- You don't say, you don't think we're being

a bit hard on them do you?

- Well it's not their fault they can't cope.

After all, they are women.

- Do you think we ought to offer an olive branch?

- Perhaps just a twig.

- Yes, you may be right.

- After I got this, I'm going out to get some fresh air.

- Yes, it is very stuffy in here.

Pass me the sugar Ms. Brahms.

- Allow me Mrs. Slocombe.

- Mmm, thank you.

- We're only trying to be friendly.

- Alright then, two lumps.

Excuse the fingers, there we are.

- Oh you forgot to get a spoon.

- They're changing their view a bit aren't they?

- Well I knew they'd have to climb down eventually.

- Well thank you Mr. Grainger.

Here's to a more happy working relationship.

- Just about finished Captain Peacock.

- I should hope so too.

Young Mr. Grace has come down especially for the unveiling.

- At you sir, here you are Mr. Grace.

If you hold on and pull this, all will be revealed sir.

- Let me help you sir.

- I will help.

- I'm not too weak to pull a rope you know.

Well gather around everybody.

Hold onto my chair Goddard.

Now it gives me great pleasure on behalf

of Grace Brothers to unveil the new ladies department.

- Well that's a good start.

- That's alright sir, I'll pull them aside

if you'd like to try again.

Go on, go on.

- It gives me great pleasure on behalf of--

- You don't need to go through all that again sir.

Just pull the sheets aside Mr. Mash.

- No trouble.

- It's just the same!

- It's all new wood.

- And anyway we've got our own counters back again.

It was worse than being married.

- Of course it's over and we're just men again.

- It didn't cost as much as I thought it would

so we're going to start on the men's department.

- You don't mean that we've got to join them!

- Well it looks like it if Mrs. Slocombe doesn't mind.

- I can't wait.

Ms. Brahms, grab my chair and get all our displays out.