Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, sockss, ties, hats, underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor: carpets, travel goods and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishings, restaurants, and ties

- Guten morgen, mein herren.

Here you are, then.

Have a load of kraut chiffers.

- That's one hundred hats

with shaving brushes on the side.

We won't sell them you know, Captain Peacock.

- It's not for us to reason why, Mr. Humphries.

Young Mr. Grace in his wisdom has seen fit

to mud a sales campaign to push German goods.

- I haven't sold one of these for 15 years.

- That, Mr. Humphries is a dress stick for evening wear.

It's the sort of thing one carries to the opera.

- Yes, I suppose it would be quite handy

to fight your way to the bar at the end...

Count Poppycock, be getting your hands off my schnitzel.

- Put that away, Mr. Humphries.

It's for display purposes only.

- Hey, listen to this.

You'll never guess what the German for cuff links is.

- Manschettenknopfe.

- I don't expect they'll sell many

with a name like that.

- Here you are, then.

Twelve pairs of liver swimming trunks.

- Lederhosen.

- Oh, have you been to Germany, Mr. Humphries?

- Yes, I was there a few summers ago, camping.

- It's very hard wearing these, you know,

but you must never have them dry cleaned.

My friend used to just rub his over with runic.

- This is a funny name for a sweater.

Mit der hand, guwaschen.

- That means wash by hand.

- It's a good job you parlay the Deutsch, Captain P.

- I had to study during the war, you know.

- Ausfahrt.

- Ausfahrt.

What's that mean, then?

- The way out, Mr. Mash.

I suggest you take that one,

as we open in a few moments.

- He ought not to be in the common market.

I don't trust that Eisenhower.

- Bloody, he went years ago.

- I'm not surprised.

Very shifty looking fellow.

- Say, look at this.

Sex underhosen, oh!

I wonder what's in it.

- Don't get carried away, Mrs. Slocombe.

Unterhosen literally translated means, under trousers.

Do you mean knickers?

- I'm not selling German sex knickers.

- Sex, Mrs. Slocombe is the word they use

in Germany for six.

- Same as they use everywhere else.

- Hurry up, Mr. Mash.

- Alright, I'm goin'.

Don't worry.

Here you are, Mrs. Slocombe.

12 bras.

- Oh, I wonder what the German is for that.

Bustenhalter.

Bustenhalter!

Doesn't it sound crude?

- Yes, come on, let's see what they look like.

Bustenhalter.

You could carry a lot of coal in these.

- Says here, clean.

- Klein, Miss Brahms, that means small.

- Their well-built, those German girls, aren't they?

- Oh, just imagine, seven whole days

of trying to knock this lot out.

- It'll be a disaster.

Like that Russian cosmetic week.

- It would've gone very well

if you hadn't mixed up the hair lacquer

with the underarm deodorant.

- That was very embarrassing, that was.

My wife got out of the bath,

gave a couple of squirts under the arm,

went to pull the blind down,

and was stuck in front of the window for the afternoon.

- Well couldn't you have pulled the blind down?

- No, I was too busy outside settin' up pictures

and takin' the money.

- Mr. Mash, ausfahrt.

- Schweinhund.

- Ah, places everyone.

- Stand by for the mad rush.

- Guten morgen, mein herr.

Welcomen to den Grace Brothers.

- Look at him, that's in his German phrases.

- He'll be clickin' his heels in a minute.

- Good morning, sir.

- Gut morgen...

- Ah, guten morgen, mein herr.

Welcomen to den Grace Brothers.

- I'm afraid you got a little beyond me there.

We've only just started our German week.

What were you looking for?

- I am for a coat looking.

I vish a varm coat because it is cold.

- Very methodical, the Germans.

- A coat, yes, certainly sir.

- Herr Grainger, raute schnell.

- Just like called it.

- This gentleman wants a coat to keep out the cold.

- Oh yes, the weather has been rather chilly, hasn't it.

- Oh, absolutely bitter.

Now we have a grange here, made in Bavarian wool.

- Not Bavarian.

Ve are here for ze buying of ze Harris tveed.

- But they don't make Harris tweed in Germany.

- I am knowing zis, zat is vy ve are here.

- But I'm afraid that this week

we are only selling German goods.

Are you not proud to be British?

- Oh yes, we are very proud to be British,

aren't we Mr. Humphries?

- Bursting with pride, yes, aren't we Mr. Lucas?

- Oh, it's comin' out all over the place,

Mr. Humphries, yes.

- Of course ve are proud to be German.

- Well then why won't you buy a German coat?

- My husband vill not vear a hat like zis.

- That is for the tourists.

- You are a tourist.

- They are for English tourists.

Are you so stupid to think I would return to Germany

from a holiday in England,

vearing a stupid German hat?

- Thank you for your custom.

- German week got off to a good start, didn't it?

- Well, we can hardly expect to sell

to the Germans themselves.

But I'm sure we should have no difficulty at all

in attracting the British customers.

- You know, there's only two things I like about Germany.

Kurt Jorgens and Gorgonzola.

- Gorgonzola isn't German.

- Oh, well there's only one thing I like then.

No, no, I tell a lie.

I like Irving Berlin.

- Guten morgen, meinen ganadius bustenhalter, no...

Good morning madam.

Are you being served?

- Just having a look.

- So's he.

- Well, we've imported some very interesting

German merchandise.

Perhaps I can show you to the ladies counter.

This one is it?

- I haven't worn one of those for years.

- I don't agree with them.

- I see, hmmm.

Well I take it you'll agree with these.

- I'll take care of this customer,

thank you, Captain Peacock.

Now madam, you're under no obligation, of course.

But may I draw your attention to these rather nice lining

Westphalian tights that have just come in.

We have them in two shades, have we not, Miss Brahms?

- Yes.

Weib and schwarz, whatever that is.

- From the look of it, black and white.

And then we have these pig skin handbags

from the Black Forest,

not to mention a line in Plastic Max from Hamburg.

- Yes, the Hamburg's are quite nice,

but not really what I'm looking for.

- The ladies.

- Turn left at the ausfahrt.

One would think that considering we've been here

since the crack of dawn this morning,

the management would've had more consideration

than keep us sitting on our jaxes for the post mortem.

- Well, I can't wait more than 10 minutes

because I'm having a bath tonight.

- It's treats.

- Well I can't get the old boiler working very often.

- Havin' a bath with Mrs. Grainger, are you?

- I don't find that amusing.

- Come to think of it, neither would I.

- You know this sort of thing just isn't fair

on my pussy.

She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt.

- Well my oven switches itself on at 7:00.

- I'm not, my slippers are in there.

You see, I put them in,

I usually give them five minutes on regu-low two

and then it's just right for my rice pudding.

- Well Shirley and I are goin' to the pictures.

- I haven't said yes yet.

- I wasn't gonna ask you that question

until after we came out.

- I don't know why you bother goin' out with him at all.

- Well it's either that or takin' me mom's washing

to the laudrette.

- I'm not goin' there again.

I've seen more of your mother's underwear

than I have of yours.

- Good evening, everybody.

I say, it's very good of you all to stay.

- They don't mind a bit, sir.

- Oh, no, of course not.

They all have the good of the firm at heart.

Well now, let's get down to it, shall we?

Haven't you got a chair, Peacock?

- Get a chair, Mr. Lucas.

- I've got one.

- Get me a chair, Mr. Lucas.

- I hope this isn't going to take long, Mr. Rumbold,

because it's very unfair on Mrs. Slocombe's pussy.

- I'll be as brief as I can.

- Thank you, Mr. Lucas.

- It's always a pleasure.

- Now, Mr. Rumbold has asked us to stay behind

and report on the success of the first day

of our German week.

- Yes, well now.

How did you find it?

Mr. Grainger?

- A complete disaster.

I sold one pair of strumpfes.

- I see.

What exactly are strumpfes?

- It's the damn silly name they use for socks.

- Well that's not very good.

- No, we'll have to pull our strumpfes up.

- No, everything's still on their kleiderbugels.

- I'm not sure whether that's good or bad.

Well what are they?

- Coat hangers.

- Nice.

Encouraging to see you're getting a grasp of the lingo.

- Yes, I even know the German for corsets.

- Korsets.

- Spelled with a k.

- We're coming along well.

- I thought we were here to push goods,

not pick up gerry words.

- What is the departmental total.

- I have the summary here, sir.

- Ah, 32 pounds.

- 32 pence.

- Those were my strumpfes.

- Is that all, good heavens, that's a disaster!

- I told you it was.

- No, no, no, please sit down, Mrs. Slocombe.

We have to work out where we went wrong.

- It's the fault of whose ever stupid idea it was.

- It was Mr. Rumbold's idea.

- There's nothing wrong with the idea.

It could be the way you're carrying it out.

I've already noted during this meeting

that the word gerry has been used.

Do I detect an anti

- Yes.

Some of us have long memories you know.

I haven't forgotten being flung flat on me back

on clappem comin' by a land mine.

And the German Air Force was responsible.

- All the other times she was flat on her back,

the American Air Force was responsible.

- That's it, I'm done.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe, it was just a joke.

I was only joking.

- In very poor taste.

- That's the sort of thing I have to put up with

all day long, you ought to tell him off.

- You're reprimanded, Mr. Lucas, and that's official.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Rumbold,

I didn't realize it was gonna be taken

quite as seriously as that.

- Now then, oh where are we in our conference?

- Mrs. Slocombe was remembering

being flat on her back on clappum.

- Can we knock it off, please.

- She even remembers what she said!

- If I could just bring us back to the point.

- Oh please do.

- Now, I feel there's a certain amount of resistance

on the part of our customers to German goods.

- I'm hit up with the way the papers keep on

about how hard the German's work

and how well they're doing.

They're too damned cocky in my opinion.

- Is there anything wrong with our display?

- Well I think we've gone far too far.

I mean those signs, for instance.

When a customer sees exit and entrance,

he knows where he is.

What goes through his mind when he sees

einfahrt and ausfahrt.

- We are trying.

We are trying to create an atmosphere.

- One dear old lady customer of mine

got a terrible shock.

She was caught short and walked straight through

the door marked herren.

- You should've directed her to the door marked damen.

- I didn't have time.

She saw the word "her" and was off.

- And I'm here to tell you

that she won't make the same mistake again.

- Well there's certainly nothing wrong with the goods,

they're all first class, hand picked by myself.

- With respect, Mr. Rumbold,

and I think I'm unanimous in this,

you've laid your hands on some very coarse bustenhalters.

- Perhaps we need to make the German brand image

a happier, jollier affair,

to counteract memories of the past.

- Well perhaps a little music,

and a wine bar with German serving wenches

in traditional costume.

- Trust him to come up with that one.

- I like what I'm hearing, I think we're on the right track.

- Yes, we could turn the whole department

into white hosen and have Captain Peacock

dressed up as a studem prince.

- Yes, I like what I'm hearing, I think that'd be fun.

- Yes indeed!

- I think Mr. Rumbold ought to dress up as something.

- Right, with his nuts in his neck.

- You know, I'm sure we're absolutely on the right track.

I shall put all these ideas that I've had

in front of young Mr. Grace, and see what he thinks.

Mr. Grace, Rumbold here.

- Rumbold, yes.

We used to have a Rumbold in charge of the third floor.

- I am Rumbold in charge of the third floor.

- Oh good, I'm glad you're back with us.

- It's about the German week, sir.

- Well the figures are a little better today, sir.

64 pence.

- Ah, another pair of stumpfes.

- Yes, well of course I realize

there is room for improvement,

and I have put into force the proposals I put

to the board meeting yesterday.

- To make the German brand image

a happier, jollier affair.

To that end I've arranged for my staff

to stay behind and to demonstrate

the sort of thing I suggested.

- Well perhaps you could come down and have a look.

- Well, I hope you won't take long.

I always go to the club on Tuesday evening.

- Oh, oh yes, the bridge club.

- No, no, no, the strip club.

- Ah yes, of course.

By the way, I've arranged for my secretary

to hand out the drinks at the wine bar.

- Oh, that's the one with the nice legs, yeah.

I'll come down as soon as I can.

- I thought you would.

- I brought you a glass of the

German wine to try, Mr. Rumbold.

- Mmm, excellent.

How do you find the costume, comfortable?

- I think the blouse should be a bit lower.

- I doubt it, don't, don't lean over too much.

- I'm sure the bodice could be a bit tighter you know.

Do you think you could put your finger

on the knot for me, please?

If you could just put it about there, that's it.

Could you push harder,

otherwise it'll all fall apart.

- Enter!

I seem to be caught.

- I'll come back later.

I mean, Miss Thorpe wasn't tight enough

and I was just helping her.

- So, I see.

- Sorry, I'll have to do it again, sir.

- I'll come back later.

- I'll have one more go.

Ah! - oh!

- We've done it.

- Well I know it's after hours, sir,

but if you've quite finished,

I'd like to have a word with you.

- Yes, yes, go and attend to your stand.

- Yes sir.

Peacock!

- Yes sir, during our discussion you did tell me

that my costume would give me

the appropriate air of authority.

Well, I'm getting a lot of air,

but very little authority.

- Well, you have my permission to wear

a bigger brush in your hat.

- Thank you, Mr. Rumbold.

- Now, young Mr. Grace will be coming down soon

to give us the go ahead on the project.

- Hmmm, well the sooner the better.

Mrs. Slocombe has spent the last 35 minutes

in her fitting room, sampling the German wine.

- You'd better get back there.

- Yes sir.

- My trousers, they're not run in yet.

- Yodel odel odel odel odel odel odel!

- Lay di tee!

- I can't think why, but my eyes are watering.

Come on, come on Rumpelstiltskin,

there's nobody here.

- You know, I haven't worn knickerbockers

since I was 11.

- You've forgotten to put your shoes on.

- My feet have been giving me hell

after all that dancing.

- Well I'm puttin' me foot down, the dance is out.

I can't see that bein' dressed like this

is gonna attract customers.

- Oh, it will, mind you, they'll be the wrong sort.

- On the other hand.

That might attract some customers.

- Here, listen, I don't know how to wear me braces.

Should they be like that, or like that?

- You've got a problem there.

- Well your lot supposed to be men, you should know.

- We haven't got the same problem.

- Why don't you leave them off all together?

- If I did that, me trousers would fall down.

- That could be the gimmick we're looking for.

- You dolt, I feel a right fairy.

- La la la la la, rum, bum, bum.

Do you know, I think this hat's too tight.

It's making me feel quite giddy.

Oh, if you could only see yourselves,

you look absolutely riliculous.

Ooh, I think this wine is very inoctuous.

- You wanna watch it, it creeps up on you.

- I think it's overtaken her.

- Miss Brahms, come here.

Come here.

You want to wear your braces like I do.

It's more feminine.

Here, you haven't been at the wine, have you?

'Cause you're swavin' about a lot.

You need to control yourself.

- Well, in for a fenic, in for a pound,

we might as well all have one.

Here.

♫ Drink, drink, drink to ives, and a break!

- There goes the profit on the strumpfes.

- Mr. Rumbold wants to have a look at you.

- Oh, magnificent!

You all look quite authentic,

especially the ladies.

- Twiddle his nob, somebody, it's out of focus.

- I see what you mean,

I think I'd better go and wait at the lift

for young Mr. Grace.

- Yes, places everyone.

- Well of course I'm free, we're shut.

- Well, I wish to tell you,

on behalf of my colleagues and myself,

that we will not do this dance.

- Yes, well in view of Mrs. Slocombe's condition,

I'm inclined to agree with you.

- I knew it was a waste of time rehearsin' it.

- The dance, they don't want to do it.

- Stop her, somebody, she'll do herself a mischief.

- Once that lot starts wobblin', you'll never stop it.

- He's coming!

Places, everybody.

- Places, places.

- He's here.

- Good evening, everybody!

Guten tag, Herr Grace!

- Rumbold.

Rumbold!

Who are all these damned Germans in the lift?

- Excuse me a moment.

- Peacock, I want a word with you.

- Who are all these damned Germans in the lift?

- The German band that you ordered

to play for the German dance.

- Yes, of course.

It's a German band, sir,

you agreed to it while you were having your nap

at the meeting.

- Oh yes, yes.

- We thought we'd start by offering our customers

a glass of wine.

Would you like to try, sir?

- Oh, how very kind, yes.

- Nice to see you, Mr. Grace.

- Good evening, sonny.

Do you speak English, my dear?

- I work under Mr. Rumbold.

- Ah, you're doing very well, I'm sure.

- I hope he likes it all.

- I think I should tell you now sir,

that we're not doing the dance.

- But you've got to do the dance.

- The answer is no.

- But I've paid for the band,

it's more than my job's worth.

- I'm sorry, sir.

- If I topple, Peacock, I'll drag you down with me.

And you'll get nowhere without a reference!

- The men are behind me, sir.

- True.

- Let me put it like this.

If you don't do the dance,

I shall stop the money for the band out of your wages.

- We'll do the dance.

- Not yet, Mrs. Slocombe, not yet.

- Alright, only just remember,

I've done half of it already.

- Well sir, this is the general atmosphere

that the customers will encounter,

and then from time to time to attract attention,

we shall break into a good natured German folk dance.

But I don't suppose you want to bother with that now.

- Well, I might as well have my money's worth.

- Yes, well after all, it is your money.

Places, everybody.

- Yes, pay attention.

German band, ready?

- Ready when you are, mate.

- Ready, and...

- Wait a minute, wait a minute,

you don't do it like that!

You're supposed to be gentle.

- I was gentle, I just went like that.

- You did not, you went like that.

- I did not go like that.

- Well next time, I shall go like that!

- In that case, I should go like that!

- Ooh, two can play at that game!

- This has been a great eye opener to me.

- Has it, well sir,

apart from that last unfortunate incident,

what did you think of it?

- Well, I'd like to thank you all for

making up my mind for me and,

Grace Brothers is coming out of the common market.

- Ah, bloody, just like we'd enjoy ourselves as well.

All together and...

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haverdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, sockss, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor: carpets, travel goods, and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishings, restaurants, and ties

♫ Going down