Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

- Whoa, blimey, you're in a bit of a state, ain't ya?

Where were you last night, eh?

Little red nose, have a good blow, go on.

Here, what's all this straw down your back?

Hey Daphne, lend us your vacuum, will ya?

This one's in a terrible state.

You ain't been having it off with Kerry Grant there

in the packing department after closing time, have you?

- Here ya are, love.

- Ah, there we are.

You'll be givin' the store a bad name, you will.

Close your eyes, girls!

Hold your breath, darling.

- Oh Mr. Mash, you are an old fool.

- I don't know what you're going on about.

I bet it's not the first time

you've lost your nickers in a tube.

Morning Mr. Lucas.

- Morning Mr. Mash.

- You're early.

Hey have you had the pleasure

of meetin' Mrs. Daphne Ackroyd?

And Miss Ivy Plunkitt of the cleaning department?

- How do you do.

- Hello lovely boy.

- This is Mr. Lucas, the Robert Redford of ready maids.

- Oh!

- You don't see him very often

on account he's always five minutes late.

- Play your cards right, you're on a promise, there.

- I've come in early 'cause I'm not stopping.

- No I've got this bird coming up

from the afternoon from the country.

So I've just come in to tell him I've got a cold,

and I've got to get back to bed.

Well it's half true.

- Dead before they give you time off here, mate.

Old Mr. Lou from the kitchen department broke his arm.

They made him spend the rest of the day

demonstrating coffee grinders with the other one.

- Well I'll tell them I've got a temperature.

- They'll have you straight out up to sister.

And she's a very funny woman, I can tell you.

She don't always take your temperature the way you expect.

- Ah, not the Grace Brothers, no.

Here, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a tip.

What we used to use in the army.

You put an onion under your arm, and chew on a bit of soap.

- I haven't got an onion.

- I'll get you one from fruit and veg.

- Hello sir, please, what were you up to last night?

- Oh, I was watching Yogi on the television.

- No, Indian Yogi.

They were showing you all the positions you can get into,

and I was doing it with them

in case there was one I didn't know.

Just got past the fifth position of

supreme ecstasy when me horizontal hold went.

It was all I could do to move.

- Yes, well it would be.

You're not going to ask for the day off, are you?

You don't get the day off here,

not even if you're paralyzed.

They put a coat on you and use you as a dummy.

- Well I'm not stopping you know,

I've got a serious cold.

- Well I'll mention that to Mr. Granger,

after I've told him about my back.

- Oh, good morning Mr. Granger.

- Morning. - Morning, Mr. Granger.

My word, you do look pale.

- Yes, I'm afraid I've got a

touch of my old gastric trouble.

- Well I'm sorry to bother you with my troubles Mr.--

- I'm sorry, man, Mr. Lucas.

But if you want to discuss it,

you'll have to discuss it through a closed door.

- Good morning Mr. Humphries.

Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

- Anyway, he said it's supposed to stop me

getting a cold for the rest of the winter.

I've had a course of seven injections.

- Oh, your poor arm.

- Oh, thanks Mrs. Slocombe.

They don't give 'em to 'em in your arm anymore.

I won't be able to sit through a picture for a whole week.

- They give you everything down there, nowadays, don't they?

I have the ear ache,

but still my doctor gave it to me down there.

Anyway, I don't hold with all these newfangled things.

Last night, I had a hot whiskey.

And this morning, I had Brandian milk on me Rice Krispies.

- Well that's nice, snap crackle and burp.

- Not only that, but I've got me flask full of rum and pep.

- Well, that may not kill the germs,

but it'll make 'em dizzy.

- No, I'm just taking precautions.

- Oh that's good, 'cause my doc said

I mustn't get a cold for seven days.

- Well you better get Captain Peacock to send me home.

I mean I've got an absolute stree-ba.

- I shall have no difficulty in

keeping my distance from you, Mr. Lucas.

- You didn't say that at the Christmas party,

you couldn't wait to jump into that

cupboard with me and start playing sardines.

- I'm sure you have plenty to do

in your own department, Mr. Lucas.

- At once Mrs. Slocombe.

- Did you really jump in the cupboard with him?

- Well, only 'cause Captain Peacock was trying to

get me to pull his cracker in the fittin' room.

- You as well.

- Here you are mate, one Spanish onion,

one piece of carbolic soap.

Put that under your arm, that under your tongue.

- Do you think it'll get me off for the afternoon?

- Well it got me off D-Day.

- Good morning Captain Peacock.

- Here do it now, the froth only lasts a minute, go on.

- Yes he is here Captain Peacock, but only part time.

- Oh, has he got a touch of the gastrics again?

- I'm afraid so, and of course his age doesn't help.

- No, he can't get there as quick as he'd like to.

- You're probably wondering why

I'm walking like this, Captain Peacock.

I've done my back in.

- I hadn't noticed any difference.

- Mr. Lucas, what are you doing with your shirt undone?

- I'm puttin' an onion under me arm.

- Ask a silly question.

- Good morning Captain Peacock.

Could I have a word with you, Captain Peacock?

- Not at the moment, Mr. Lucas.

Are you being served sir?

- No, I'm just trying to remember what I came in here for.

I've got a list here somewhere.

- Captain Peacock. - In a moment, Mr. Lucas.

- Ah, here it is, now let me see.

- Captain Peacock. - In a moment, Mr. Lucas.

- There are two pairs of socks,

a dozen handkerchiefs, a bair of braces, a tie.

I'm sure Mr. Lucas can help you.

- No on second thoughts, I've changed me mind.

- Mr. Lucas, you're dibbling.

- No, but I've--

- I don't feel very well, Captain Peacock.

- I don't feel very well, Captain Peacock.

- Ah, I'm not prepared to hold a conversation with you

until you have emptied your mouth.

- No.

- In that case I cannot allow you to go home.

- Certainly not.

- But I'm not meself.

If you'd look around a couple of minutes ago,

you'd have seen me foaming at the mouth.

- Yes we used to get that in the army, you know.

It's usually caused by the placing of soap under the tongue.

- I've the hiccups as well.

- Hiccups is hardly serious enough for a day off Mr. Lucas.

Go and stand behind the cabinet until you've recovered.

- I've also got a temperature.

Could I go and see the sister?

- I'll send for sister.

Get behind the cabinet.

And Mr. Lucas?

- I don't know what aftershave you're using,

but you're coming over very strongly as a Lancashire hotpot.

Would you put me through to first aid, please?

Ah sister.

Captain Peacock of the ladies' and gentleman's outfitting.

I wonder if you'd be kind enough to

bring your thermometer down here.

And a loofah.

- Well it's almost what I wanted.

But it's not the color.

- Oh, but blue looks so cool on madam.

Ms. Brahms, over here.

Don't you think that madam looks cool in blue?

- Yes, like an iceberg.

- I'm not sure about the flowers.

- Oh but flowers are very much in vogue.

- Yes, and all the other women's magazines.

- Thanks you Ms. Brahms, the iceberg was enough.

- It's a little tight around the waist.

- Ah, I had to give you that size

because madam has such slender shoulders.

But I can very easily alter it.

- No, I'm not all that keen, really.

- Oh no no no, it's no trouble at all.

- But I really didn't want it.

- Well you can't change your mind now,

I've started the alteration.

I'm sure madam will be delighted with it

when it comes back from the work room.

- On the first of the week.

- I'll be away then.

- Oh, in that case put not urgent on it, Ms. Brahms.

Now if madam would like to change.

Just a moment.

I have a hat that would go wonderful with that.

- Oh no no, I don't wear hats.

- Well you're wearing one now.

- Oh well it belongs to a friend.

- Well buy it for her, then.

- No thank you.

- Oh I can't stand people who

are always changing their minds.

- Well it was a very good line

of sales pattern, Mrs. Slocombe.

- You have to know your customer, you understand.

I tried it once with a lady wrestler.

She had me flat on me back.

Oh pass me that flask, Ms. Brahms.

Oh me throat, I feel as though the germs are surging round.

Look out you foreign bodies, get a load of this.

- If you've got anything catching, I'm going home.

- No no no no, I have a very strong constitution.

All my white core pustules are fighting it.

- You've got one haven't you, you've got a cold.

- Pass me one of those hankies.

- I haven't got one.

- No no, one from the box, there at the end of the counter.

- It doesn't matter!

- Here.

You have got a cold.

My doctor gave me those injections,

told me I mustn't get a cold for seven days.

- No, it's to stop the germs from going up me nose.

- If you wear that you'll go up my nose.

- Well it's either this, or I'm going home.

- That's a very militant attitude Ms. Brahms.

- You can like it or lump it.

- Oh, oh, well if that's the tone you use,

I'm going to have a word with Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock, may I have a word with you?

- Not at the moment Mrs. Slocombe.

Five, four, three, two, one, ah.

- You're normal.

- Yes, but we're working on it.

- We'll I've definitely got a cold, I mean listen to this.

There you are, look at that.

I mean I really think I ought to go home for the afternoon,

I wouldn't want anyone else to catch it.

Too late, I've given it to Mrs. Slocombe.

- I already had one of my own.

Captain Peacock, may I now have a word with you?

- In a moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

Now I'm sorry to have troubled you.

- No that's quite alright.

That sounds like a nasty cold Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh yes it's just beginning.

That's what I wanted to discuss with you, Captain Peacock.

- I cannot let you go home, Mrs. Slocombe,

just because you have a cold.

- I don't want to go home, it's Ms. Brahms.

She won't stop because she's afraid of catching my cold,

just because she's had these flu injections.

Ms. Brahms, over here.

- Oh no, your oil well is this way.

- Now Ms. Brahms, where did you have these injections?

- In me bum.

- I think sister means at what establishment.

- Oh, my doctor give 'em me.

- Your doctor gave them to you, Ms. Brahms?

- No he didn't, he charged me eight quid.

- But it's quite right.

She must avoid cold contact for a week.

Otherwise she'll have to have it done again.

- Yes and I can't afford the expense.

So if she's stuck, then I'm going.

- Well I'm not having a day's pay off just because

you've got a jaxy full of vaccine.

- What delicate way to put it.

- I'm sorry that I've been so long away, Captain Peacock.

Oh, dang it.

- It's all good here today.

- Well, so if Ms. Brahms mustn't catch a cold,

she better lend a hand in the gentlemen's department.

- I'm not catching his cold.

- If you will allow me to finish, Ms. Brahms.

And as Mr. Lucas has one anyway,

he can assist Mrs. Slocombe in the ladies'.

- Oh no, Mrs. Slocombe wouldn't like that, Captain Peacock.

I mean, she might get my cold on top of her cold.

Be much better if you send my home for the afternoon.

- You will do as you are told, Mr. Lucas.

- I'm not having a man in the ladies', it's unheard of.

- Only to assist you, Mrs. Slocombe.

- But it's a very personal service

in the ladies' department, Captain Peacock.

- Yes, well, in that case he can

confine himself to gloves, scarves, and handling the two.

- I don't think I can be trusted Captain Peacock.

Mr. Humphries, I take it you have no have

no objection to having a lady behind the counter?

- I have absolutely no feelings on the matter whatsoever.

But I would prefer the lone ranger to remove her mask.

- Well, places everyone.

Thank you sister, nice to talk to you.

- You put one finger wrong,

and I'll have you in front of Mr. Rumbold.

- A threat hanging like that over me head,

I wouldn't dare put a finger wrong.

- Take these back to the fitting room.

- Oh I bed your pardon, madam.

Cross me heart, I didn't put a finger anywhere.

- Oh, it's the blue alteration, she's still here!

- No, here.

You can have your onion back, it didn't work.

- Well of course it didn't, you haven't peeled it, have ya?

- Well you might have told me.

I mean nobody sticks an onion under

their arm without peeling it, do they?

- No!

- I swallowed it.

- Oh, you don't deserve the day off.

- Well, Peacock finds you over here,

you'll get the sack and you won't

have to come in at all, will ya?

- Peacock sent me over here, I've been transferred.

- He sent you--

You're serving over here?

God, you'll have an off day today, won't you, eh?

Hey-hey, whoa-ho!

- I was gonna have a better day today at my place, wasn't I?

- Well don't give up hope.

Break a leg.

- Yeah that might be me only chance.

What've you got in that box?

- Ah, half a dozen suspender belts.

- Blimey, they're not bringing them back again, are they?

- I didn't know they'd ever been away.

- Well they're not for lookin' at, are they?

They're for takin' off.

Here, they've got that new crafty catch there, look.

- Oh yeah, listen I've had a lot of trouble

with this new catch, on bras, you know.

Yeah, I've mastered it now, though,

I've got it down to about eight seconds.

- Yeah, watch this.

Just one more kiss before we say good night, Ms. Brahms.

Hold it!

- That was only six seconds.

- Yeah well, she wasn't struggling.

- See here, and they're all marked alphabetically.

B for braces, G for gloves.

- That comes under H for haberdashery.

- Jockey shaws.

- Of course not, they're just

a sexy line in men's underwear.

- Oh, well why do you call them jockey shaws?

- Well you know, if anybody shouts they're off,

you know you're on the way on your way to the winning point.

- And down here we've got wide fronts.

- No, strangely enough, there's not much call for those.

- Humphries.

- Send that girl back to her own department.

- She's been seconded to us, Mr. Granger.

- Placed here at Captain Peacock's request.

- Oh, well we'll soon see about that.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

- At present, yes.

- Well, I have a very serious complaint.

Oh, dang.

- It doesn't appear to be getting any better.

Can I help you, madam?

- Well I'm assisting at this counter.

- Oh, oh.

Well, you see the suit I'm wearing?

Well I'm not very happy in it.

No, I can quite understand that, madam,

it is a bit old fashioned, isn't it.

You want something new?

- New, but it is new.

I bought it here, yesterday.

- Let me have another look.

Ah yes, it's one of our revival lines.

An echo of the '40s.

- Well you see, I feel that I'm not very happy with the fit.

And I feel that it's all a bit too loose.

- Yes, that's the trouble with some of the revival lines,

they are a bit on the loose side, you know.

Let me have a look and see what size you are.

Oh yes, a revived 45.

- Well I would like a smaller size.

- I'm afraid we can't do that madam,

on account of the fact that you've already worn it, you see.

However, we can soon have it altered for you.

Now let me just see how it fits.

Put your arms, how is it under the arms?

Oh yes, and down.

Oh that is cozy, isn't it?

I mean it's a cozy fit.

Now, how is it on the chest?

- Oh, I'm not complaining about the chest.

- Neither am I.

- It's the skirt.

- Ah, that.

I'll just get me chalk.

- You'll need a bigger piece than that.

- Now, exactly whereabouts on the skirt, madam?

- Oh well, it's a little bit embarrassing.

It's what they call the derriere.

- Well we specialize in derrieres, madam.

My Jewish friends call me Lucas the Tucas, you know.

And what is the problem?

- Oh, it seems to droop at the back.

- The skirt, the skirt droops down there.

- Ah yes of course, what we need is a tuck in there.

- No no no no, you can't do that you see,

because when I sit down, it'll ride up.

- Quite right madam, quite right.

No tuck to the--

- Well you see, actually it's the waist.

Look, you can get your hand right in there.

Let me have a look.

Oh yes, oh, hold on.

I've dropped me chalk down there.

Don't move.

- I'm trying to find me chalk.

I think it's wedged in the customers derriere.

- Come away.

- But I can't leave me chalk in there,

I've got to account for it.

- Go on, get off.

- The lady wants two inches off the waist

to counteract her drooping derriere.

- Oh I see, oh that's quite a small alteration madam.

A day or so, depending on where you live.

- I live in London.

- Oh, well that's quite simple isn't it Mr. Lucas?

- Yes, of course, what could be

simpler than a London derriere?

- Yes, fetch me a pair of trousers like these, will you lad?

- I don't actually fetch anything, sir.

- I don't serve sir, I just direct the customers.

You will excuse me a moment?

- Mr. Granger.

Mr. Humphries.

- Yes I'm free Captain Peacock.

- A pair of trousers for the gentlemen.

- Yes.

- The customer is always right, sir.

- Walk this way, sir.

What color was it you had in mind?

- Fawn.

- There we are sir, fawn.

Now then, your waist, excuse me.

We're not holding it in, are we?

34.

Inside leg?

- I don't know.

Take the gentleman's inside leg.

- You must be joking.

- Come on dear.

- No!

It's not ladylike.

- Well I do it.

What are you afraid of?

- The unknown.

I tell you what, I'll give you an estimate.

- I'll tell you what, come 'round here

with me and hold this tape measure.

Now hold it there, quite still.

Would you step this way sir?

Excuse me a moment.

Stand at peace!

What is it?

29.

- There we are, miss.

Don't worry if the night dress is a bit long.

You'll find it'll ride up with wear.

- Oh Mr. Lucas, I won't be many more minutes.

I'm just finishing my coffee break.

I'm sure you won't mind folding the hort.

Another ten minutes, and my bird will have flown.

- I think I'll can help you there.

Hold on a minute.

Oh deary deary me, look what I've done.

I've spilled slippery polish all over the floor.

I do hope no one slips on it.

They might break a leg.

Or at least injure themselves enough

to have to go home and rest for the afternoon.

Am I being too subtle for you?

I'll give it a try.

All right, here goes.

- Captain Peacock Captain Peacock,

Mr. Lucas has broken his leg, sir!

Captain Peacock!

- Oh, poor Mr. Lucas.

What on Earth is going on?

- Ah, Mr. Lucas has broken his leg, sir.

- Mr. Humphries, ring for an ambulance,

we need to get him to hospital.

- No it's all right, I've only sprained it.

Just let me go home and get in bed for the afternoon,

I'll be as right as rain.

- I heard a cry from my office, what's happening?

- Accident, Mr. Rumbold,

Mr. Lucas has sprained his ankle, sir.

- Oh, poor fellow.

I can smell a strong smell of peppermint around here.

Unless I must mistake it, I can smell rum.

- Ah yeah, I was just giving Mr. Lucas a bit.

To revive him.

Oh, there's none left.

- I think he's quite able to carry on, sir.

- Don't be so callous, Peacock.

We're not in the desert now.

- He wasn't in the desert then.

- I'll help you to a taxi, we'll send your straight home.

- Thank you very much Mr. Rumbold,

I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, sir.

- Good morning everybody.

- Good morning.

- Oh it's nothing serious sir, just a sprained ankle.

- Yes, I'm just going home to jump straight into bed.

- Nonsense nonsense, you can't a chance with an ankle.

Sit there.

Put him into my Royals Royce--

- And drive me straight home.

- And drive him straight to the hospital.

I will sir, and tell them he's coming.

- Yes, make sure he gets a proper X-ray,

and make an appointment with Dr. Garstin for this afternoon.

He's the best in the country.

- That's most generous sir.

When Grace Brothers take care of you,

you can forget your worries and pains.

- Yes, and forget all your pleasures as well.

- Well then, carry on everybody.

You're all looking very well.

- Yes, Mr. Lucas slipped on the stairs, fell down.

Mr. Rumbold came in an said,

"Oh dear, you must have the day off."

Then Mr.--

I'll push a note to you under the door.

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchen ware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirt socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas

♫ Going down