Original subtitles

(coins drop in cash register)

- [Female Attendant] Ground floor, perfumeries,

stationery, and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware, and food, going up.

(horn music)

First floor, telephones, gents ready made suits,

shirts, socks, ties.

- Captain Peacock's coming up in the lift now.

- Right, places everybody. Places, quickly.

Now, as soon as the lift gates open, you will all applaud,

and then I shall present Captain Peacock

with his 20-year service badge, hmm?

- Rather an emotional moment, isn't it?

- Twenty years in this place.

It's almost as much as the train robbers got.

(lift bell dings)

(group applauds)

- How unexpected.

- Captain Peacock, in acknowledgement of your--

Mr. Lucas, the button!

- Oh.

- Too late. I've lost him.

- Cut off in his moment of glory.

- He's gone down to the bargain basement.

- Shouldn't we just follow him?

- Quick, yes, into the other lift.

Quickly now, come on.

We shall go and catch him up.

Press the button, Mr. Lucas. - Right.

- Just a minute, he's coming,

the lift's coming up again!

He's coming back.

They've gone, stupid lot.

(lift bell dings)

- May I say that this comes as a great sur--

Where are they?

- They've gone down to the basement with your medal.

- Oh, how stupid.

- Just a minute, they're coming back.

- We missed him.

- Well, you've just missed him again.

He's gone down to the basement to look for you.

(employees exclaim)

- We seek him here. We seek him there.

It's like looking for the Scarlet Pimpernel.

- Hang on, he's back again. He's coming.

- Oh, places everybody. Quickly now.

(lift bell dings) I'd like to say

it gives me great pleasure--

- Yeah, it gives me great pleasure and all.

- Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'm going back to me counter.

- The moment has rather lost its magic.

- Oh yes, send him to my office when he comes in.

- I say! I say!

I say! (panting)

I'm here.

- Places, everybody.

- [Stephen] Oh,

oh,

oh.

- Captain Peacock, in acknowledgement

of your 20 years' service here at Grace Brothers,

it gives me much pleasure to present you with this badge.

The letters G.B. in 22-carat gold.

- Plate.

- It comes as a complete surprise to me

and I am most touched, not to say, honored.

- In addition, and as a special token

of your particularly excellent service here,

the management are taking the unusual step

of presenting you with this key.

- What's it for? Your flat?

- It's the key to the executive washroom.

- The key to the executive washroom?

- I really didn't expect this. It is, indeed, an honor.

- The key to the executive washroom?

I've served here for 35 years, and I've never been once.

- You must be bursting.

- Well, I've been here longer than Peacock

and I have to muck in with the rest.

- Well, I have a further announcement to make.

- Oh, not another honor, sir, that would be too much.

- Yes, it would.

No, this doesn't really concern you directly.

I just wish to remind you all

about the change in the lunch break.

(groans)

Well, the management feels that we are losing a lot of trade

by closing between one and two, so in future,

we will take our lunch break between two and three, hmm?

- I don't think my stomach can hang out that long.

- Well, it's been hanging out for the last 10 years.

- Mr. Grainger, would you inform your junior

that if he doesn't watch his tongue when speaking to a lady,

he'll get a bat 'round the ear hole.

(bell rings)

- Ah, store's open. To your counters.

Captain Peacock, one more thing.

- Yes, sir.

- Regarding your application for an increase in salary.

- Oh, yes.

- It has not been approved.

- Indeed. I'm sorry to hear that.

- I am, however, here to tell you

that the management has seen fit to extend to you

the privilege of using the executive dining room.

- The executive dining room?

- See you at lunch, Stephen.

- Thank you, Cuthbert.

- It's still Mr. Rumbold.

- I'm sorry, sir. Please forgive me.

The key to the executive washroom went to my head.

- I quite understand.

(keys jingle)

- Look at him flaunting it.

I've wanted that key all my life.

- Well, you're not management, Mr. Grainger.

- No, you're not even in line for the throne.

(lift bell dings)

- Are you being served, sir?

- Well, it's hardly likely.

I've just stepped out of the lift.

- In that case, I will rephrase the question.

Can I help you, sir?

- I'm looking for a bow.

- A bow. Tie, violin, or Robin Hood?

- Very funny.

- Oh, do forgive me, sir.

I'm in a rather frivolous mood today.

You see, this is my anniversary.

I've been with Grace Brothers 20 years now.

- Well, in that case you'll know where I can buy

a clip-on bow tie.

- A clip-on bow tie.

- Yes, a clip-on bow tie. You know the sort.

- I know what they are, sir.

Mr. Grainger, are you free?

- Yes, I'm free.

- This gentleman wants a clip-on bow tie.

- A clip-on bow tie?

- A clip-on bow tie.

- Well, I'm very sorry.

I'm afraid I can't help you, Captain Peacock.

I'm just going to the staff bog.

- Indeed, Mr. Grainger.

- Mr. Humphries, are you available for a clip-on bow tie?

- I have never been available for a clip-on bow tie,

Mr. Grainger.

Mr. Lucas will attend to the customer.

Forward, Mr. Lucas.

- Thank you very much, Mr. Humphries.

Good morning, sir.

Did I hear you say you were interested in a clip-on bow tie?

- That's right.

- Please step this way.

Would you be kind enough to just take your tie off, sir?

Let me help you.

Now then, they we are, sir. One clip-on bow tie.

The springs on these are very strong, you know.

So strong, we sell quite a lot as mouse traps.

There we are.

- How's it look?

- How does it look, Mr. Humphries?

- Awful.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, it's not your fault, sir. It's the clip-on bow tie.

- Well, why are you trying to sell me an awful tie?

- We're not trying to sell it to you, sir.

You said you wanted it.

- You see, nobody's wearing them much at the moment.

- No, 'cept you.

What occasion was it you wanted it for, sir?

- Well, it's an army reunion.

(clicking tongues)

- [Both] Oh, no.

- Sir wouldn't want the rest of his regiment

to think he'd gone to the dogs, would he?

- What are you talking about? I've got my own building firm.

- Well, no one would ever guess it, sir,

in a bow tie like that.

- Well, what do you suggest?

- Well, sir, excuse me, for two pounds, sir,

you could have a pre-tied velvet on a piece of elastic.

A lot of people are wearing these, aren't they Mr. Lucas?

- Oh, yes they are.

Yes they are, they are, they are Mr. Humphries, yes.

That is, of course, if they can't afford a proper one.

- Proper one? What do you mean, a proper one?

- Hand-made, watered silk.

- Hmm, let's have a look.

- They are five pounds.

- Well, it's all right. I can afford that.

- Sale, Mr. Lucas.

- I'll make out the bill, Mr. Humphries.

- Only thing is, how do you tie it?

- There's a diagram inside the box.

- Well, show me how you tie yours.

- Oh, I couldn't possibly do that.

I always wear one of these.

- So I said to him, I said, young man, I said,

if you don't take your hand off my knee at once,

I'm getting off this bar stool and going home.

- And did he?

- He did not.

- So you went home?

- Eventually.

Anyway, he's taking me to the pictures tonight to apologize.

I do hope he behaves himself on the back row.

- How do you know you're gonna be in the back row?

- I've booked.

- Morning, ladies.

- Oh, good morning Mr. Mash.

- Here we are, then. Six jumpers.

Six pairs of ear muffs.

And I brought up these 24 pairs of

Sensi-Touch rubber gloves.

- Sensi-Touch rubber gloves?

- Been listenin' to the Archer's lately, have ya?

(blows raspberries)

- Ew, you're as common as muck.

- They should be in the kitchen department.

- Well, they are, but they ordered a thousand pairs

too many, you see, they want to shift 'em.

Oh, I've got a Sensi-Touch display model, as well.

Hey, hey. There you are, look at that.

Airtight and watertight, guaranteed.

- But what's it for?

- Oh, wash-a-day hands, what you care for so much,

can still play the piano with a sensitive touch.

- Did you ever see anything so awful in all your life?

- I don't make 'em, lady. I just deliver 'em.

As the midwife said to the bishop. Ha ha!

- Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock!

Are you free?

- Not at the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

Can I help you, madame?

- No, thank you.

- Are you free now, Captain Peacock?

- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Just look at this monstrosity.

- I have already seen this excellent display model,

approved it, and given authority

for it to be used on your counter.

- I see. Then I shall have to go through you to Mr. Rumbold.

- Are you sure you want to question

the decision of your superior, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Captain Peacock, you may have the key

to the top person's toilet,

but you are in no way my superior.

- And women live longer than men.

- I don't see what that has to do with it.

- I know, but I just thought I'd tell you.

- For the last time, Mrs. Slocombe,

do you wish to question my judgment?

- Yes, Captain Solomon Peacock, I do.

- In that case, I shall have to put the matter

before Mr. Rumbold without further delay.

- Good.

- And may I say that I disapprove of your using

this rude tone to me in front of a junior.

- Captain Peacock, I'm so sorry.

Miss Brahms, would you mind removing yourself

a few paces and covering your ears?

- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Pompous twit.

- What will you do if Rumbold approves?

- I'm not taking any chances. Pass me the scissors.

- Just once more. I think we're getting somewhere.

Little bit closer. Yes.

Now.

Up and over, make a bow, through the hole, and there we go.

It's quite simple, isn't it, sir?

Now, I'll have a go on you.

Ah-ha! Wrong way.

Up and over, make a bow, through the hole...

- Mrs. Slocombe, are you free?

- At the moment, yes.

- I have told Mr. Rumbold that you wish to defy

my executive decision that the Sensi-Touch display unit

is suitable for your counter,

and he has come over to give his executive ruling

to dispose of the matter once and for all.

- Yes, well I haven't actually seen it before,

but I'm sure if Captain Peacock likes it,

then it must be all right.

- Oh, it's right up Captain Peacock's street.

May I show you? - Please.

(blowing raspberries)

(lift bell dings) (coins drop in cash register)

- Can I help you, sir?

- The ladies, please.

- Lingerie or powder room?

- I'd hardly be wanting the powder room.

- Just a little joke, sir.

- Only just.

- Mrs. Slocombe.

- May I assist you, sir?

- Yes, I want to buy a dress.

- Certainly, sir. About what age group?

- Fortyish.

- Oh, the younger middle-age range, quickly Miss Brahms.

And about what size?

- It's for me.

- Hold the range, Miss Brahms.

I beg your pardon, sir.

- It's for a fancy dress party.

- Oh, I see.

- All the men are going as girls,

and all the girls are going as men.

- How amusing.

- Yes, very gay.

Tape, Miss Brahms.

Would sir raise his arms? - Here we are.

- Forty-two, including the spectacle case.

Will sir be wearing any padding?

- Well I thought a couple of oranges would get a big laugh.

- Tangerines will get a bigger one.

- I want something under 10 pounds.

- Something from the cotton seconds, Miss Brahms,

from the maternity range.

- Can I try it on?

- Not in my department, you can't.

You'll have to use the men's. Captain Peacock, are you free?

- You called me, Mrs. Slocombe.

- This gentleman is going to a fancy dress do

and wishes to use the gents' facilities to try it on.

- Yes, the gentlemen's department would be more suitable.

This way, if you please, sir.

- [Customer] Thank you.

- Mr. Grainger, are you free?

- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock,

but I'm just going to have my coffee in the staff case.

Mr. Humphries, are you free?

- I'm busy pricing my ties, Captain Peacock.

- The gentleman wishes to try on a dress.

- I'm free.

(audience applauds)

- It's for a fancy dress party.

- Oh, yes sir, they all say that.

- Well they're, they're throwing very nicely, sir.

Yes, they're very snug, too.

- They're too snug, I'm afraid.

I need a larger size in jacket and trousers.

- Oh dear.

- Perhaps I should try something with a bold check.

- A bold check.

- I'll hang this up here for you sir,

while you transform yourself.

- [Customer] I've got it on.

- Oh, have you. Oh, good.

- Yes, I'm afraid we haven't got much in check.

Ah, here we are, sir, how 'bout this one?

- Ah, yes.

- What do you think? Is it me?

- Well, it's certainly not the dress.

- You know, I don't know why men do it.

He's gonna look awful in a dress.

- Yeah, he didn't look all that much in the trousers.

- Ah, there we are, sir.

And there's your old jacket and trousers in the bag.

- Excellent fit. It feels worn in already.

- Yes, very nice.

We sold one of those to Robin Day the other day, you know.

When he retires, he's gonna work as the test card.

- What have you done with that check suit?

- Sold to my customer, Mr. Humphries.

- Oh, our Aida.

- They never should've let Mr. Humphries fit him.

He's been in there for hours.

- He's probably trying to chat him into an handbag.

- You'll just have to give me a new suit, that's all!

- I'm sorry, sir.

I'll, I'll, I'll try and find you something.

Look, you better wait in here.

- I can't. I'm dying to spend a penny.

- Oh, well look, here.

Hitch your skirt up and speak with a Scottish accent.

- Can I help you, sir or madame, as the case may be?

- I want the gents.

- The top of the stairs.

- Thanks.

- You should've used the powder room

when I first suggested it.

(lift bell dings) (coins drop in cash register)

- What time is it?

- One o'clock.

- Oh, another hour to lunch.

I wonder if Mr. Grainger will lend me his chair.

- You do look a bit peaky, Mr. Humphries.

- Well, I'm not surprised. I've had no breakfast.

A friend of mine was supposed to do some shopping for me,

and he let me down.

This morning, I got up.

I thought, ooh I wonder what's in the fridge.

When I got there, the cupboard was bare.

- Well, that's not like you, Mr. Humphries.

- It's not. I usually keep a bit of something tucked away.

- You never know when it's gonna be a rainy day, do you?

- That's true.

Anyway, I found an egg and I boiled some water,

and do you know, could I find my egg timer?

- No. - Right.

So I picked up the phone and I dialed the operator.

- Did he know where your egg timer was?

- No. - Surprising.

- I'll smack your wrists in a minute.

Anyway, I said to him, could I have an alarm call, please,

at three minutes past eight.

He said, it's eight o'clock already.

I said, I know that, but I'm boiling an egg.

He got quite nasty, but he had a very nice voice.

Anyway, by the time we'd made it up,

the water had boiled dry, the egg was like a golf ball,

and I had to run for me bus.

- There must be something in the factoriette.

Delaying our canteen lunch is a contravention

of human rights.

- Eating our canteen lunch

is a contravention of human rights.

- I'm going to phone the factory inspector.

- I know how he feels.

Oh, if my wind gets any worse,

I'll have to hoist gale warnings.

I can't stand this.

I'm gonna see if I can organize something.

- Ooh, I'm starving.

- So am I, but I've taken steps to keep going.

Quick, while Peacock's not looking.

- [Wendy] A coffee percolator!

- Yeah. It'll be percing any minute.

- Oh, smashing, I could just do with that.

Hang on, Peacock's coming.

- Looking forward to your lunch, ladies?

- By two o'clock, that canteen will seem like the Savoy.

- Yes, I'm sorry I shan't be joining you there, as usual.

- Oh, going on a diet? Again?

- No, but not only have I the key to the executive washroom,

but from now on I shall be taking my lunch

in the executive restaurant.

I just thought you'd like to know.

- Oh, you're lord mutton now, aren't ya?

- Yes.

I'm rather looking forward to it.

It will be very nice to have a choice of wine

with one's chicken fricassee.

- Oh is that what they call the rissoles up there?

- I could do with a rissole right now.

- When I was in the western desert, of course,

we were trained to go for long periods

without food and water.

- You learned it from the camels, I suppose.

- I was just making the point

that I'm able to cope with the situation

more easily than you are.

- Don't worry about me.

My stomach can hold on as long as yours can.

(percolator bubbles)

- Rommel would've heard that from 10 miles away.

- Have you phoned the factories inspector?

- No, no, I had a change of heart.

I've been very well treated at Grace's,

and it won't be very long before I retire.

I wouldn't like to be branded as a trouble-maker.

- A word in your ear, Ernest.

- Yes, Captain Peacock.

- I'm sorry if my elevation

to the executive washroom upset you.

I mean, I could have refused it, but well,

that might have been construed as taking a stand

against the management.

- Yes, Captain Peacock.

I think you'll be far better off standing

with the management.

- I'm glad you see it that way.

- Oh, it's only just that,

I had hoped that one day I should have that key.

- Well, er, no hard feelings then, Ernest?

- Oh, no hard feelings at all.

I'd be delighted if you'd have lunch with me today

in the canteen.

- Well, I'm afraid I can't.

You see, from now on I have to take my lunch

in the executive dining room.

- The ex-ex-executive dining room?

The executive dining room?

- Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.

- I don't want a glass of water.

Where's that telephone?

- Tell your stomach everything's all right. I've fixed it.

All we gotta do is get Peacock off the floor.

- Have you got some sandwiches?

- No, I've done better than that.

- Get rid of Peacock.

(phone buzzes)

- Slocombe, ladies.

- Oh, hello Mrs. Slocombe.

It's Miss Williams here, accounts.

Could you tell Captain Peacock that one of his figures

is in dispute, and we'd like to see him up here immediately?

- Very well. Captain Peacock?

- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

- You're wanted in accounts.

- Thank you, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Mr. Humphries, I'm wanted up in accounts.

- Are you really, Captain Peacock?

- Yes, Mr. Humphries.

Would you take over for me while I'm away?

- Would you like me to take over standing here

or walking about?

- Don't be facetious, Mr. Humphries.

- That's a perfectly proper question.

- And my answer is that I wish you to take over for me

as floor walker while I'm away.

- Very well, Captain Peacock.

Another word out of you, and you'll go back to the window.

- Psst. - Hmm?

- Stop messing about.

Now get up by the lift and press the button three times.

(whistles)

(lift bell dings)

- Welcome to messes' meals on wheels.

Get your soup or plate.

My rigatoni or mine-strone, steaming hot or already blowed.

Come on in, here we go then.

Sorry, second seating in 10 minutes.

- Ooh, rats.

(lift bell dings) (coins drop in cash register)

(sighs)

(slurping)

- I never did like lentil soup.

- [Humphries] What did you decide on?

- Shepherd's pie.

- You always did like adventure.

- When I went past, the flies were enjoyin' it.

- Oh, never mind. Put plenty of that brown sauce on.

You won't see their footprints.

- I'm really gonna enjoy this.

What did you settle for, then?

- Melon balls. - Unusual.

- Mr. Grainger, would you take a whiff of this pilchard

and give me your opinion?

- I'd rather not, Mrs. Slocombe.

It might put me off my rollmopse herring.

- I'll tell you one thing, Mrs. Slocombe,

about that pilchard.

It's definitely dead.

- Yes, which is more than can be said

for that green thing what's walking across your lettuce.

- Oh.

- Tough little monkeys, aren't they?

- They have to be, to eat that lettuce.

- Got it.

Ew, it's right put me off eatin'.

- It's given him hell of an headache, as well.

(slurps)

- Isn't it disgustin'?

- That's nothing. He always eats his soup like that.

If you want something really disgusting,

get him some spaghetti.

- I meant the conditions

in the staff canteen are disgusting.

Fancy having to wait an extra hour for this.

- I don't think it'll happen again.

- Mr. Grainger phoned the factory inspector.

- Well done, Mr. Grainger.

- Yes, I did.

But apparently Captain Peacock had complained earlier

about the extra late luncheon.

He said that it upset his desert stomach.

- Yeah, the inspector said they've got no right

to make us eat late.

Then he took one look at this place

and went off to see young Mr. Grace.

- I shall be interested to hear his report.

- If he had anything to eat here, it'll be a loud one.

- I expect they're taking him to the executive dining room.

- Hello, there goes Rumbold.

- I bet he doesn't get things crawling about on his lettuce

in the executive dining room.

They don't care, you know, as long as they're all right.

- Hey, it's all right, isn't it? Eh?

Nice bit of shepherd's pie, that.

- What are you doing, Mr. Mash?

- Well, I'm bending my knees, ain't I?

That makes my bottom go plonk on the chair.

It's called sitting down.

- This has always been our departmental table.

- Yeah, well I know that,

but as Captain Peacock's gone up in the world,

I thought I'd take his place.

- There's a vacancy over there, by the pig bin.

- Charming, innit, eh?

One of these days, mates, we'll all be equal.

Then I'll be in the executive dining room.

- Hang on, here comes Peacock.

- Oh, making his maiden voyage to the executive dining room.

(clapping)

- He didn't even speak to us.

- All power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

(slurps)

- Snorkel for Mr. Grainger.

(clears throat)

- Ah, Peacock. Welcome to the club.

Do sit down. - Thank you, sir.

This is very nice, isn't it?

- Will you join me in a glass of wine?

- Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Thank you.

- That'll be 25 pence.

Oh, no, no, no, not now. Later will do.

- Thank you very much.

Excuse me, sir. Thank you.

Soup du jour, lentil.

Le rollmopse herring.

Le pilchard salad, et le shepherd's pie.

To follow, an apres huite mint.

Yes, great improvement on next door, eh?

- Yes, we think so.

- To your health.

- Amusing little wine, isn't it?

- Hilarious.

Peruvian beaujolais,

type.

Yes, I must remember that.

Well, this is a great moment for me, sir.

I mean, one struggles, one does one's best.

One fails frequently, and occasionally, one succeeds.

Then finally, after a long journey, one arrives.

(pounding)

What on earth?

- It's young Mr. Grace!

- Don't get up.

I'm sorry to spoil your lunch,

but I'm having trouble with the factory inspector.

Somebody from one of the departments sent for him,

and it seems that the canteen is too small

for the number of people using it.

- Well yes, I was aware that it should be

a hundred square feet bigger, sir, but what can one do?

- Where there's a will, there's a way.

I'm having the whole thing knocked into one.

- But what about the executive dining room?

- That's the least of your troubles.

You've got to use the staff bog, as well.

Carry on, boys. You're doing very well.

(audience applauds)

- [Female Attendant] Ground floor, perfumeries,

stationery, and leather goods,

wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food, going up.

(horn music)

First floor, telephones, gents ready made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes, going up.

(horn music)

Second floor, carpets, tropicals, and bedding,

material, soft furnishing,

restaurant on Tuesday, going down.

(horn music)