Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor, telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

- There you are, madam, plenty of give in the leg.

And completely draft proof.

- No, I don't think I fancy them.

- Very few people do.

But they're very practical in this chilly weather.

Of course, it's for madam to decide.

It's either cold and interesting,

or warm and safe in these.

- I'm afraid not, madam.

You've seen everything we've got.

That's right, isn't it, Miss Brahms?

- Yes, why doesn't madam come back tomorrow

and look at them again?

- Yes, yes, I think I'll do that.

- You don't want to rush into these things.

- Can't imagine anyone wanting to rush into these.

- Thank you, goodbye.

- Goodbye madam, thank you so much.

Fussy old bag.

- Honestly, I can't understand why people want

to buy old fashioned underwear like this.

I mean, that's not going to turn her old man on, is it?

- Perhaps she wants to turn him off.

- Mr. Lucas.

- Am I correct in saying that at Grace Brothers

we do not close until 5:30.

- Quite correct, sir.

- My watch, which is never wrong, says 17:28.

- Ah, they knew how to make watches in those days, sir.

- Don't be facetious, Lucas.

- Well, it's actually 5:30 by the department clock, sir,

and that's the one I set mine by, you see.

- Depends what you had in mind, Captain Peacock.

Well, I make it 25 past something or other.

I must get a new tail for my Mickey Mouse.

- As there appears to be a discrepancy in your timepieces,

perhaps it would be as well to take an example

from your department head, Mr. Granger.

- Goodnight, Captain Peacock.

- Goodnight, Captain Peacock.

- I must be slow, that's unusual for me.

- Ah, well I was waiting until 5:30, sir,

by your watch, that is.

- You seem in a great hurry to get away, Captain Peacock.

Uh, could we all stay behind for a moment please?

Ah, Mr. Granger.

- Mr. Granger.

- Once those lift doors open, you'll never see him again.

- Allow me.

Mr. Granger, you've left your wallet on the counter.

- You're wanted at the counter.

- I hope this isn't going to take long, Mr. Rumbold.

It's my launderette night, and if I'm not there

at half past six, all the apparatus is otherwise engaged.

- Won't take a minute, Mrs. Slocombe.

- You won't needing me, I presume, I have a do on tonight.

- Oh, please, bear with me, Captain Peacock,

this won't take a moment.

- It's already taken a moment.

- Well, if we're all here, Mr. Rumbold

has a very brief announcement to make.

- I'm sorry to say that shoplifting is on the increase.

This year alone, stock worth millions of pounds

has been pilfered from stores all over the country,

and we at Grace Brothers are not immune.

- Indeed not.

- Only this morning, Mrs. Slocombe informed me

that she'd had a skirt lifted.

- Some people have all the luck.

- And I seem to remember that Miss Brahms

lost something last week.

- It wasn't me.

- You know, on the other day, a customer reached across

the counter and put his hands in my fairisle drawers.

He said he was going to pay.

- Yes, well, I've got a man to hand that sort of thing.

- Oh, nice.

- May I introduce Mr. Clegg,

late of the CID,

who is going to take over security

and try out some new anti-pilfering devices.

Mr. Clegg.

- Evening, all.

Now I won't keep you all a moment.

- Oo, not another moment.

- What I'm instigating is as follows.

We shall maintain a constant surveillance

in the most anonymous manner possible,

aided by the latest electronic device

in the shape of a hidden camera or cameras.

Is that clear?

- Yes, most.

Goodnight, everybody.

- Mr. Granger, we haven't finished.

- Oh, get on with it.

- This department has been chosen as a guinea pig.

And if this method proves successful,

then the whole store will be similarly equipped.

- An excellent idea, sir.

Well, if that's all.

- Captain Peacock.

- Yes, sir.

Now before you all go ...

- Part of the new procedure will be

a series of random baggage checks.

- Well, you won't need the men.

- We need everyone, sir, all personnel.

- Oh, very well, let's get on with it.

All I've got in here is my laundry,

and if I don't go soon I shan't get a dryer.

- Yeah, well, if you don't mind, missus, uh, madam,

I'd just like to check the veracity of that statement.

- Well, really!

- That will do, Miss Brahms.

- There's certainly nothing new here, thank you, madam.

- Oh, really.

Fancy having you grope about in my underwear.

How humiliating.

- Yes, and it's paid for.

- You would mind opening it for me, please.

- All that's in here is my working bra.

- For the moment.

- Yes, you can go, Miss Brahms.

- My two assistants and I have nothing to declare,

so I suppose we can go.

- Of course.

- Excuse me, sir, what's that suspicious looking bulge?

- In you pocket, sir.

May I see it, please?

- Why, it's never bothered you before.

- If you must know, it's my orange.

- My orange.

I always eat one on the train.

It's the only way you can get a seat to yourself.

- I see, sir.

Alright, off you go then.

Now, Mr. Peacock.

- Captain, and I am not a sales assistant,

I am the floor walker.

- Well, he's not limited like us.

He can nip about and nick things

from either department, you see.

- If you don't mind, sir, the suitcase, up on the counter.

- I do this under protest.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you mind?

This is private.

- He's got the cut-up body of his landlady in there.

- Allow me, sir, please.

Hello, hello.

- Oh, it's rattles.

- I can explain.

- That's what they all say.

- This may sound rather a cliche,

but I was on my way to a regimental fancy dress ball

given by the Queen's Own.

- Wish I'd been invited.

- This is all from a theatrical costumer.

Nothing at all from Grace Brothers.

- I see.

I suppose that does have a slight ring to truth about it.

Thank you.

- Well, I think we've all learned

the most valuable lesson from this.

One simply can't be too careful.

Now, I must run or I shall miss my train.

- Just a moment, sir.

Is that your scarf?

- Yes, of course it is, I always wear it.

I catch cold if I don't.

- Strange, sir, still got its price tag left on it.

- So it has.

I must have picked it up by accident.

Now, how could that have happened?

- Perhaps you'd better come along

and explain it to me in your office.

- Yes.

- Like I say, it's always the one you least suspect.

- Morning, Mr. Rumbold.

- Morning.

- Coffee on the desk there.

- Ah.

- Hear you got nicked last night pinching a scarf.

- Misunderstanding.

- Oh, yes.

- Well, just making sure it's properly connected.

I was here all night 'elping 'em

with them 'idden cameras, you know.

- I didn't know that you were conversant

with electronic equipment.

I was fakin' the tea.

Nice bit of overtime, that was.

'Ere, 'ow does this work, then?

- Well, I've had it all explained to me.

It's just like a normal television set.

- Go on.

- Well, one switches on here,

and then by pressing these different knobs,

you can keep an eye open for shoplifters.

The store's open, let's see what's going on.

- Hey, we just missed them going on, didn't we?

- I must speak to Peacock about this.

- She ain't 'alf givin' 'im a mouthful.

Pity there's no sound.

- Well, there is somewhere.

Ah.

- You ought to have them cut off.

- His hands.

He's like an octopus, they're all over the place.

- Oh, I know, and so cold.

- Let's check the men's counter.

- Yeah, let's check the men's counter.

Sound's gone up the spout.

- I don't understand it, it's on full.

- I had raspberry jam for breakfast.

Bits have gone under my plate.

I shall have to take it out.

- I don't think we want to see that.

- Ugh, like a horror movie.

Hey, what's that then?

What?

Well, it looks like smoke.

- Oh let's, let's see.

This is serious, this is very serious indeed.

- It is.

I thought he'd given it up.

- That will do, Mr. Mash.

- All right, Mr. Rumbold.

'Ere, I 'ope you 'aven't got one of these down in my cellar,

'cause we still ain't got a door on the carsey.

- Yes, Mr. Rumbold.

Mr. Lucas.

What's up, what's up?

- You're wanted in the office.

- Someone has seen you smoking, and as your senior here

I should have told you to put it out.

- Quite right, Humphries, good man.

- You never know when old jug-ears is snooping round.

- Wish me luck.

What'll I do with this.

Allow me, waste not, want not.

I've been dying for a puff all day.

- Hmm.

- A raincoat and some underwear.

We can manage that, Mr. Humphries, can we?

- I'm with you, sir.

- Yes, you'll deal with the raincoat, Mr. Humphries,

and I will deal with the underwear.

- Yes, Mr. Granger.

- I think I can show you something nice and warm, sir.

- Do you mean to say that with the aid of that thing there

you've been spying on us?

- Not spying, Mr. Lucas.

I was just testing out the anti-pilfering equipment,

and happened to observe you smoking,

which is against the rules.

- Well, I consider that an invasion of my privacy.

- Nevertheless, you shouldn't have been smoking.

- No, well, it's, it's my nerves, you see, sir.

- Yes, you see, my mother's away for the night,

and its the first time, well I ...

I haven't been left alone before since I was that high.

- You're not nervous of being alone, are you?

- Yes, that's why I've asked Miss Brahms over.

- Oh, yes, she's coming over to cook my supper.

- Well, I think that's most public-spirited of her.

- Yes, then she's agreed to spend the night in a spare room.

- Well, that's where I sleep.

Me mother might come back.

- Well then, what you do outside here is no concern of mine.

I just don't want to see you smoking on the floor.

- Oh, don't worry, you won't see me again, sir.

Which part of the floor can't you see from up here?

- Well, with these hidden cameras,

I can cover most of the men's,

and the essential areas of the ladies'.

Look.

Miss Brahms, customer waiting.

- Just checking the stock, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Yes, I see what you mean.

That's typically feminine, isn't it?

Trying to pull the wool over me eyes.

That will be all, Mr. Lucas.

Are you sure, Mr. Humphries.

- Yes, you remember what Mr. Clegg said.

And you can tell they're working

when the little light goes on.

Apparently, Mr. Lucas saw Miss Brahms ...

You know, I wondered about them.

We shall have to keep on our toes, shan't we?

I wonder if Mrs. Slocombe's aware of this.

By the way, where are they?

- Oh, the usual place, they're about ...

You mean the cameras.

Look, they're up there.

Oh, we're on.

Oh, wish it was over there, this is my best side.

- Good morning.

- Is my hair all right at the back, Miss Brahms?

- You keep asking me that.

I tell you, it's wonderful.

- It's like being on Candid Camera, isn't it?

- Well, I don't think it's right,

them being able to hear what we say as well.

- Oh, I don't let it affect me.

(with overly cultured accent) Good morning, madam.

Can I be of assistance?

- Oh, certainly, madam.

Would madam mind standing a little to madam's right?

A bit more.

Scarves, madam?

Any particular color?

- Mr. Mash.

- You're not supposed to be on the floor after 9:30.

- Ah, well, I was putting me best suit on, you see, sir.

You got to look for the telly, ain't ya?

Where's the camera then?

- Be off with you, Mr. Mash.

I don't want to have to tell you again.

- I like that, that was very good.

"Be off with you."

Here, do you want to do it once more in case he missed it?

Sort of an action replay, you know?

Go on, go on, go on, go on.

- Please leave the floor.

- Certainly, Captain Peacock.

- Now look what Mr. Mash has done.

- Mrs. Slocombe's come back at last.

Make a note, make a note.

Four visits to the powder room.

- Yes, sir.

- Granger's eating a pie now.

A pork pie.

- Pork pie.

- It's amazing what you can see with this thing.

- Hmm, about the only thing you haven't spotted

so far is a shoplifter.

- Well, don't you worry,

if there is one, I'll soon spot him.

- You mean to say that you haven't told her

that you sleep in the spare room?

- Well, not yet, no.

I was sort of saving it up.

- She might be, too.

Don't look now, but--

- Don't look now, but there's a very suspicious character

in the 42 longs.

- Over there.

Hey, a pound to a penny it's a, it's a shoplifter.

- Mr. Granger must be alerted.

- Yes sir, well I'm sure that you will be happy

with the two silk jods, the four pairs of socks,

and the cashmere sweater,

and I must say that I am delighted

that you are so pleased with the efficiency of the store.

- Mr. Granger.

- Would you mind coming round the other side?

- Mr. Granger, something very suspicious in the trousers.

- Did I hear you aright, Mr. Humphries.

- Yes, over here.

- Mr. Granger, Mr. Granger.

That fellow over there in the mustache,

I think he's a petty pilferer,

I'm sure he's going to nick something.

You mean the man with the case?

- Spot on, first time.

- In the ladies'.

- There we are, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Thank you so much, Captain Peacock.

Wasn't I lucky, being able to sell

two pairs of tights and the green chantal dress

from a line that's been discontinued,

not to mention the bras and a box of handkerchiefs.

- Yes, indeed.

And my opinion, which the customer asked for,

without doubt clinched the sale.

- Good day, Mrs. Slocombe.

I'm sorry to trouble you, Captain Peacock,

but I think we have a petty pilferer in my department.

- He's got a cap, a mustache, and a suitcase.

- Over there, 44 longs.

- Oo, oo I wouldn't like to meet 'im on a dark night.

- Oh, I don't know.

- Are you, uh, are you going to tackle him, Captain Peacock?

- Well, uh, we can't do anything unless we're

sure he's taken something.

- Well, he's taking something now.

Look, he's got a jacket out.

- He's, just looking at it.

- He's opening his case.

- He's putting it in.

- He's shutting it.

- It's an open and shut case, Captain Peacock.

- Well, uh, right then.

Are you behind me?

- Right behind you, Captain Peacock.

Although a little way back.

- Nonsense.

- I can see it now.

Despite fatal gunshot wound,

fearless floorwalker saves 42 long.

That should make the front page of the Tailor and Cutter.

- Well, go on, tackle him.

- Of course, I mean, we, we, we, we must be sure

that's he's not going to put, to put it back.

- Oo, you're as weak as water.

Weak as water!

- Careful.

- Hey, you!

- Oh, the man's mustache has come off.

- Oh, it's the store detective.

- I did advise caution.

- The reason Mr. Clegg took the jacket

was to test the efficiency of the cameras

and the alertness of the staff.

Now, owing to your over-enthusiasm, there may be

legal proceedings when he comes out of hospital.

A hand on the arm would have been enough.

- I did all I could to restrain them, sir,

but Mr. Granger was so sure.

- Yeah, so I saw.

But what worries me more than anything

is the general laxity of the department.

I've got some notes here.

Mrs. Slocombe, seven visits to the powder room.

- It's been very chilly.

- Mr. Granger, 11:45,

one sandwich eaten in the fitting room.

12:30, a pork pie behind the sock counter.

Mr. Humphries, a long personal telephone call

with customers waiting.

- To a sick friend.

- At the stage door of the Sadler's Wells Ballet?

- He's sick.

- Mr. Lucas, four minutes late back from lunch.

- I went to lunch four minutes late.

- You disappeared from that screen at precise 1:00 p.m.

- Ah, yes, that's when I bent down to tie up my shoelace.

But after I popped up again, I served another customer.

You probably didn't notice.

You were probably having another look at

Miss Brahms adjusting her cotton wool, I expect.

- Nothing, nothing.

- That's voyeurism, that is.

- It's private.

Well, it was private.

- I feel I must agree with Mr. Rumbold that, uh,

there has been far too much laxity of late.

- I'm glad you agree, Captain Peacock.

You were observed to pat Miss Brahms' nether regions

shortly after the store opened.

- Yes, I meant to complain about that.

- You may be lucky tomorrow.

- Nevertheless, I, I do feel that this is

an invasion of one's privacy.

- That's exactly what I thought at the time.

- It all smacks very much of George Orwell.

- Are you trying to say someone else did it?

- I'm trying to say, sir, that the use of cameras

has an adverse effect on the running of the department.

One tends to become camera conscious.

- Well, you're just going to have to get used to it,

because I shall be watching you.

- Lower your voice.

Are you sure we're safe here?

- Listen, those cameras have got to go, right?

Now, I've had a word with the ladies,

and they've agreed to help.

- Well, you know how much of a hypochondriac old Rumbold is.

Well, what I thought was ...

Miss Brahms, I want

a word with you about Mr. Rumbold.

Yes?

- Did you notice how he looked when he was telling us off?

- Oh, yes, 'cause I've seen that look before.

My uncle 'ad it just before 'e went.

- Very drawn under the eyes.

Yes.

I wonder if anyone else noticed it?

- Oh, I don't suppose so.

I mean, you only see it if you look really closely.

I mean, it would take a doctor to really tell.

I wonder what Mr. Lucas

and Mr. Humphries are looking so worried about?

- Poor old Mr. Rumbold.

It won't seem the same without him.

Although, I have seen that look before.

- You don't think he knows and he's just

bravely hiding it from us?

- No, not him.

He'd come out and make an announcement.

He'd come out and he'd say,

"I've been called, I've been called," he'd say,

"to that great boardroom in the sky.

"Now carry on to the end."

- Yes, of course, that's the sort of man he was.

Well, I mean, still is.

- Ah, well, only a doctor could tell.

- Get, get me Dr. Wainwright.

Urgent?

Yes, it may well be.

- Gladstone bag, that could be him.

- No, I'm a doctor.

I've called to see Mr. Rumbold.

- Allow me to direct you sir, this way.

- Morning.

- 42 Glendale check coat, thatched Trilby,

and a black Gladstone.

- We've got all that in stock.

Now listen, you give Miss Brahms the wink

as soon as the doctor comes out.

- Roger.

- Well, I can't find anything wrong.

You're as fit as a man of only 50.

- But I am only 50.

- Well, there's nothing I can do for you,

except suggest you give up smoking.

- But I don't!

Perhaps I should take a holiday.

- Lucky to be able to get away.

- Good day.

- Oh uh, good, goodbye.

- Oh, uh, I'd prefer a check now if you don't mind.

Saves sending the account.

- Oh, Captain Peacock.

I wonder if you'd run an eye over my checks.

I keep toting them up wrong,

and your maths is better than mine.

- Certainly, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Doctor, could I have a word with you a minute, please?

- Well, it's my leg.

I think I've got a varicose vein coming on it.

Could you have a look at it for me.

- Oh, very well.

- Oh, not here.

Come with me to the ladies' department.

I'll show you the quick way round.

Were on.

Now doctor, about Mr. Rumbold.

I mean, you know, the truth.

Oh yes, yes.

Well, we suspected something like that.

It was very wise of you not to tell him.

I mean, a sudden shock, hmm,

could have gone like an autumn leaf.

Check now, if you don't mind.

Saves sending the account.

- In answer to your last question,

he has been under a sudden strain recently.

It's these TV cameras he's had fitted to stop pilfering.

He can't take his eyes off the screen,

frightened of missing something.

No, don't ask him to have them removed.

No, please.

I'm sure he'd want to go in the saddle,

making sure that Grace Brothers ran smooth to the end.

Although he could last until a hundred if he rested.

- Get, get me security.

Quickly!

No wonder he said I'd be luck if I got a holiday.

- If you'll follow me, doctor,

I'll show you a quick way out.

Well done, Dr. Finley.

Do you think he noticed?

- Dear God, he wouldn't miss a thing, does he?

I wonder where the doctor is?

- He's probably still looking at Miss Brahms' leg, no doubt.

- Yes, I should be giving a second opinion

on that meself later on.

- Men, you're all the same.

- It's the doctor.

- He's going into Rumbold's office.

Well, that's torn it.

Oh, well, it was a nice try.

You'd better start looking for your cards.

- It was your face he saw, not mine.

- If I go, you go.

- And, and do it immediately.

Yes.

- I afraid I have some very serious news for you.

- Yes, yes, I know, but don't tell me.

I'm trying not to put any sort of strain on myself.

I've just ordered all this equipment removed.

- Yes.

- Just the same, it's my job as a doctor to tell you--

- No.

- Miss Brahms has measles.

.

Is that all?

- It's all I have to tell you, yes.

- Yes, well, I understand.

If I take it easy, I could be here for years.

The one night me mother's way,

and she has to go and get measles.

Just my luck.

I haven't had it.

- The way things are going, you're not going to get it.

I say, you haven't handled her recently, have you?

- Well, I've just given her a peck on the neck,

that's all, when I set the plan up.

Why?

I mean you, you don't think I ...

- Well, I was going to ask you out for a drink,

but on second thought, goodnight.

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor, telephones, gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods, and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings,

♫ Restaurant and teas, going down