Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

( knock on door )

ENTER.

HERE WE ARE, SIR.

ONE CUP OF DECAFFEINATED COFFEE

WITH 2 LUMPS OF DE-SUGARIZED SUGAR,

WITH A DASH OF DE-FATINATED MILK.

IT AIN'T WORTH DRINKING,

BUT IF YOU POUR IT OVER YOUR HEAD, IT'LL WAKE YOU UP.

WHERE ARE MY SLIMMING BISCUITS?

OH, BEG YOUR PARDON.

THEY'RE SO FEW IN CALORIES, IT BLEW OFF THE TRAY.

- ( blows ) - THAT'S BEEN DE-FLUFFED.

I'LL DO WITHOUT THE BISCUIT.

PLEASE YOURSELF. OH, BY THE WAY,

- THE C.D.U.'s ARRIVED. - THE C.D.U.?

"CHRISTMAS DISPLAY UNIT." SHALL I BRING IT UP?

- OH, YES, YES. - RIGHT.

I'D BETTER INFORM THE STAFF.

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK SUITS ME BEST,

THIS ONE... OR THIS ONE?

IF I WAS YOU, I'D STICK TO THAT.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK? ARE YOU FREE?

NOT AT THE MOMENT.

I'M FLUTING.

I'M FREE NOW.

GATHER THE STAFF TOGETHER. THE C.D.U. HAS ARRIVED.

- C.D.U.? - "THE CHRISTMAS DISPLAY UNIT"!

OF COURSE. YES.

MISS BRAHMS, FORWARD, PLEASE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE?

SHE'S IN THERE, FLOGGING HER TITFER.

IF YOU MEAN SHE'S UNDERTAKING A MILLINERY SALE,

I'M SURE SHE CAN SPARE US A MOMENT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE?

YOU CALLED?

MAY WE INQUIRE WHY YOU'RE WEARING THAT HAT?

A CUSTOMER WANTED TO SEE HOW IT LOOKED ON ME.

- WHERE IS THE CUSTOMER? - SHE LEFT.

MR. RUMBOLD WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU... WITHOUT THE HAT.

MR. GRAINGER, ARE YOU FREE?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WOULD YOU COME OVER HERE?

I'D RATHER THAT YOU CAME OVER TO ME.

I WOULD RATHER THAT YOU CAME OVER TO ME.

MR. GRAINGER, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE THE SENIOR ASSISTANT,

I MUST INFORM YOU THAT I AM THE ONE WHO IS IN CHARGE ON THE FLOOR.

AND I MUST INFORM YOU

THAT I'M THE ONE WHO HAS HIS TIE CAUGHT IN THE TILL.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS RING UP "NO SALE."

TO DO THAT, I NEED YOUR SIGNATURE,

SO WOULD YOU PLEASE COME OVER HERE?

OH!

THE FLOOR SEEMS HALF EMPTY. WHERE'S MR. LUCAS?

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT.

( sniffing )

COME HERE AT ONCE, MR. LUCAS.

I... I'M JUST COMING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

JUST COMING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS JUST DEMONSTRATING THE ELECTRIC TROUSER PRESS, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- I WAS JUST DISCONNECTING IT. - I SEE.

YOUR TOASTED SANDWICH IS READY, MR. LUCAS.

- EXPLAIN YOURSELF. - IT'S MY BREAKFAST.

IF I DON'T HAVE BREAKFAST, I FAINT IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMERS.

IT'S VERY BAD FOR GRACE BROTHERS.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE BREAKFAST BEFORE LEAVING HOME?

I VERY NEARLY DID,

ONLY THE CENTRAL HEATING'S BEEN CUT OFF IN THE BUILDINGS.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO HAVE MY 2 BOILED EGGS,

WHEN I NOTICED MY POOR CRIPPLED MOTHER

WAS LYING THERE BLUE WITH THE COLD. "WHAT COULD I DO?" I THOUGHT.

SO I STUCK THE 2 BOILED EGGS IN THE TEA COZY

AND STUCK IT ON HER HEAD TO KEEP HER EARS WARM.

THEN I SUDDENLY REALIZED I WAS GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK,

SO I GAVE HER A QUICK KISS ON HER BLUE CHAPPED LIPS AND RAN FOR THE BUS.

THE LAST I SAW, SHE WAS SITTING THERE CLUTCHING THE CANARY

TO STOP HER HANDS FROM FREEZING.

IF YOU CARE TO JOIN US FOR CHRISTMAS,

YOU'RE VERY WELCOME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- GET RID OF IT. - YES, SIR.

WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?

MR. GRACE GAVE HIM SPECIAL PERMISSION

TO BE LATE AFTER THE WEEKEND.

( dings )

NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THIS.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, MR. HUMPHRIES?

WHERE NO OTHER MAN HAS EVER BEEN BEFORE.

HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE LADIES' POWDER ROOM?

MR. HUMPHRIES HAS BEEN AT AN OUTWARD-BOUND SCHOOL.

YES. THEY ROWED US TO THIS ISLAND, AND WE ALL HAD TO FEND FOR OURSELVES.

ALL THEY GAVE US WAS A 2-MAN TENT.

I FOUGHT TILL 3:00 IN THE MORNING...

AND THAT WAS JUST TO GET THE STOVE ALIGHT.

WERE THEY ALL MEN?

IT'S HARD TO TELL LIKE THIS, ISN'T IT?

HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR A MOUSE CRAWLING INTO THE TENT,

I'D NEVER HAVE REALIZED THAT FOR THE PAST 2 DAYS,

I'VE BEEN SHARING ME RAZOR WITH A LADY TRAFFIC WARDEN.

TAKE IT OFF BEFORE THE CUSTOMERS SEE YOU.

WITH PLEASURE. DO YOU KNOW, COMING HERE ON THE TUBE,

AN ESKIMO TRIED TO RUB NOSES WITH ME.

I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU'D BE ONE OF THE LAST PEOPLE

TO GO ON ONE OF THOSE EXPEDITIONS.

THE ADVERT SAID IT WOULD MAKE A MAN OF YOU,

SO MY MOTHER THOUGHT I'D BETTER GIVE IT A TRY.

♪ LOOK OUT, WORLD ♪

♪ I'M LOOKING FOR THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ EVERYBODY START... ♪

HERE IT IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE C.D.U.

- C.D.U.? - All: CHRISTMAS DISPLAY UNIT.

GRACE BROTHERS IS PURCHASING ONE FOR EACH DEPARTMENT.

Lucas: LOVELY THOUGHT.

I BET THERE'S A DIESEL-POWERED REINDEER TO GO WITH IT.

AND NEXT CHRISTMAS, THEY'LL HAVE US ALL REPLACED BY ROBOTS.

I CAN SEE IT NOW,

A REMOTE-CONTROLLED GRAINGER WITH A BIONIC TRUSS.

A GAS-FILLED MRS. SLOCOMBE.

AND A SPECIAL SWITCH FOR MR. LUCAS

TO SHUT HIS ATOMIC CAKE-HOLE.

MAY WE INQUIRE EXACTLY WHAT ITS FUNCTION IS?

YES. WELL... THE SPECIFICATION SAYS

THAT IT UTTERS A CHRISTMAS PHRASE

IN A DEEP, AVUNCULAR VOICE

AND OPENS ITS ARMS IN A FRIENDLY, WELCOMING FASHION.

OOH... THAT'LL BE NICE.

CAN I ASK A QUESTION?

YES, OF COURSE. I REALIZE IT IS RATHER TECHNICAL

FOR THE AVERAGE MIND TO GRASP, BUT I'LL DO MY BEST.

WHAT DOES AVUNCULAR MEAN?

OH, WELL, IT MEANS LIKE A SORT OF...

LIKE AN UNCLE.

BUT HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE MY UNCLE.

LOOKS A BIT LIKE MY AUNTIE ETHEL,

ONLY HER BEARD'S A BIT LONGER.

I WON'T ASK IF THERE ARE ANY MORE QUESTIONS.

- CAN WE SEE IT WORK? - YES. ALL WE NEED IS 50p.

OH, HERE. BE MY GUEST, MR. RUMBOLD.

NO CALL FOR YOU TO PROVIDE IT, MR. HARMAN.

THINK NOTHING OF IT.

I'VE GOT THE KEY TO THE MONEY BOX.

Ho ho ho, little boy.

Have I got a surprise for you.

YOU SEE, THERE SHOULD BE A BRAN-TUB IN FRONT

WHERE THE LITTLE HORRORS PUT THEIR STICKY LITTLE MITTS,

AND THEY BRING OUT A MAGNICIFENT PLASTIC PRESENT MADE IN HONG KONG.

WORTH ABOUT FOURPENCE.

HERE. I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT OPENED ITS ARMS

IN A WARM AND FRIENDLY FASHION?

I THINK A LITTLE TECHNICAL ADJUSTMENT IS REQUIRED,

IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME.

- SHALL I TRY AGAIN, SIR? - YES, PLEASE.

Ho ho ho, little boy.

Have I got a surprise for you.

I WONDER WHAT THAT COSTS.

WHY? DO YOU WANT TO BUY ONE?

THE SLEEVES HAS GOT STITCHED TO THE COAT.

I'LL SOON GET THAT FIXED.

HAVE I MISSED ANYTHING?

THERE ARE ONE OR TWO TEETHING TROUBLES,

BUT I'M SURE YOU'LL SOON GET THE GIST OF WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO.

SHOW HIM, MR. HARMAN. THERE ARE GOING TO BE ONE OF THESE

IN EACH DEPARTMENT FOR CHRISTMAS.

Ho ho ho, little boy.

Have I got a surprise for you.

Miss Brahms: WHATEVER'S THAT?

ONE SARDINE ON TOAST.

OH. WATCHING OUR FIGURES, ARE WE?

WE DON'T GET PAID UNTIL TOMORROW.

I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND

WHETHER TO HAVE IT ON THE BONE OR OFF.

WHY NOT HAVE IT STUFFED?

STUFFED AS A MEMENTO OF YOUR HARD TIMES.

- YOU DON'T WANT ALL THOSE POTATOES, DO YOU? - GET OFF!

WHAT DID YOU SELECT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

STEAMED COD.

- SHALL I TAKE YOUR TRAY? - OH, THANK YOU.

RIGHT.

JUST THINK... 40 BRAVE MEN,

TOSSED IN THEIR FRAIL CRAFT

IN A 90-MILE-AN-HOUR GALE,

RAMMED BY GUNBOATS,

FROZEN FINGERS PULLING AT THE NETS

ALL FOR THIS.

THAT'S SMOKED HADDOCK.

OH, BLAST.

I'D GET ON WITH IT IF I WERE YOU. IT TASTES THE SAME.

IF YOU DON'T FANCY THE TAIL, I'LL HAVE IT.

WHERE'S OLD GRAINGER?

WHEN LAST SEEN, HE WAS ORDERING A MINUTE STEAK.

HIS TEETH WILL NEVER STAND UP TO IT.

WELL, AT LEAST IT WON'T SPLASH.

WELL... I THINK HE'S... I THINK HE'S RATHER WORRIED.

HE'S VOLUNTEERED TO DO A TURN IN A CONCERT FOR THE OLD PEOPLE'S HOME.

DIDN'T HE DO THAT LAST YEAR?

HE DOES IT EVERY YEAR. HE DOES AN IMPERSONATION OF CHURCHILL.

NEVER HAVE SO MANY WINSTONS BEEN DONE SO OFTEN, FOR SO FEW.

THIS TIME THEY'VE ASKED HIM TO DO SOMETHING MORE UP-TO-DATE.

- OH, YEAH? WHAT'S HE COME UP WITH? - STAFFORD CRIPPS.

WOULD YOU PASS THE WATER, PLEASE?

I'M ON A HEALTH DIET.

THANK YOU. ONE DOESN'T REALIZE

HOW SHORT OF THE ESSENTIALS ONE IS

UNTIL ONE STARTS LOOKING AT HEALTH MAGAZINES.

WHICH PARTICULAR PILL

IS GOING TO CURE WHICH PARTICULAR DEFICIENCY?

I SHOULD START WITH THE BIG ONES, IF I WERE YOU.

- FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT. - YEAH.

THAT'S KELP. VERY GOOD FOR THE HAIR AND NAILS.

THIS IS VITAMIN A, B, C, AND D.

THAT REPLACES THE VITAMINS IN BREAD,

BUTTER, CHEESE, BEER, AND SUNSHINE.

I'D RATHER HAVE A CHEESE SANDWICH

- AND A GLASS OF BEER SITTING IN THE SUN. - SO WOULD I...

BUT I'VE PAID SO MUCH FOR THESE PILLS, I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

THIS IS A NEW ONE I'M TAKING AT THE MOMENT... VITAMIN E.

ISN'T THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU BE SEXY?

IS IT? HANG ON A MINUTE.

NOTHING YET.

WHAT ARE THOSE LITTLE ONES?

OH, THOSE. THOSE ARE TO STOP YOU GETTING ALL GRAY AND WRINKLED AND OLD.

YOU'VE BEEN TAKING THOSE, HAVEN'T YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

NO. I JUST LOOK AFTER MYSELF.

I'M SURE YOU DO.

AND MAY I SAY HOW MUCH I ADMIRE YOU.

THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

HOW ELSE COULD YOU LOOK LIKE THAT AT 65?

MR. LUCAS, IF YOU'RE IMPOLITE TO MRS. SLOCOMBE,

YOU WILL NOT BE PERMITTED TO SIT AT THE SENIORS' TABLE.

- Miss Brahms: DID YOU GET YOUR MINUTE STEAK? - NO!

THEY SAID IT WOULD TAKE 10 MINUTES.

SO I SETTLED FOR SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE.

AND SOME JUNKET.

MR. LUCAS, GET IN TOUCH WITH THE DRY CLEANING DEPARTMENT.

TELL THEM TO STAY OPEN LATE.

I'M VERY FOND OF THIS, YOU KNOW.

YES. MRS. GRAINGER AND I FIRST HAD IT IN SORRENTO.

DID YOU EVER FINISH IT?

DON'T BE FACETIOUS, MR. LUCAS.

I-I-IT'S A KNACK, YOU KNOW.

Lucas: RIGHT HAND DOWN A BIT.

Humphries: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

YOU LIE DOWN, AND WE'LL DROP IT INTO THE LITTLE RED LAKE.

HERE! WERE YOU THE LAST SPAGHETTI?

YES... WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?

I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T EATEN IT YET.

NO, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME. PULL UP A CHAIR AND WATCH.

NO. IT'S THE BOLOGNAISE.

WE JUST LOOKED AT THE DATE ON THE TIN. IT EXPIRED SIX MONTHS AGO.

OH, DAMN.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'D MASTERED IT.

NEVER MIND. YOU'VE STILL GOT THE JUNKET.

I WAS HOPING HE'D FORGOTTEN THAT.

AM I TO UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ALTERNATIVE MATERIAL

FOR YOUR OLD FOLKS' HOME?

YEAH, IT'S A PITY ABOUT WINSTON CHURCHILL.

YES. ALL THE OLD VALUES ARE CHANGING.

AND IF I MAY SAY SO,

I DO THINK THAT STAFFORD CRIPPS IS A BIT OUT-OF-DATE.

YES, PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT, STEPHEN.

I MIGHT TRY SIR LESLIE HORE-BELISHA.

WHO WAS HE WHEN HE WAS AT HOME?

HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR FLASHERS AT PEDESTRIAN CROSSINGS.

AND HE GOT KNIGHTED FOR THAT?

HE WAS KNIGHTED FOR INVENTING THE BELISHA BEACON.

IT COULD BE YOUR GREATEST TRIUMPH, SIR.

I CAN SEE IT NOW, MR. GRAINGER STANDING THERE,

WITH HIS HEAD PAINTED RED,

FLASHING AWAY TO A HUSHED AUDIENCE.

TROUBLE IS, MY MEMORY IS NOT SO GOOD, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'D BE ABLE TO LEARN THE NEW WORDS.

THAT'S EASILY REMEDIED, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU COULD MIME TO SOMETHING.

YEAH, WHAT ABOUT JULIE ANDREWS SINGING

"SUPER-CALI-FRAGILISTIC EXPI-ALI-DOCIOUS"?

I THINK IT'S VERY UNKIND

THE WAY YOU GO ON AT MR. GRAINGER.

WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE FOR OLD PEOPLE?

I HELPED YOU WHEN YOUR FITTING-ROOM DOOR GOT STUCK.

MR. LUCAS, YOU WILL APOLOGIZE, AND THAT IS AN ORDER.

I'M VERY SORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I DO APOLOGIZE MOST SINCERELY AND MOST DEEPLY.

ACCEPTED.

SHE REALLY IS A GOOD OLD SPORT, YOU KNOW.

I THINK A MIME MIGHT VERY WELL SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.

YES. THE BLACK AND WHITE MINSTRELS MIME.

THEY JUST OPEN AND CLOSE THEIR MOUTHS.

YES, BUT THERE ARE 50 OF THEM,

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE OF ME.

YOU COULD DO AL JOLSON.

I'M SURPRISED YOU REMEMBER HIM, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

LISTEN, THEY'LL HAVE THE RECORD IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT.

ALL YOU'LL HAVE TO DO IS OPEN AND CLOSE YOUR MOUTH

AT THE RIGHT MOMENT.

PITY HE CAN'T DO THAT WITH THE JUNKET.

PERHAPS YOU COULD GET MR. HUMPHRIES

TO TEACH YOU A FEW ACTIONS TO GO WITH IT.

OH, WOULD YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?

YES. WITH PLEASURE, I LOVE A CHALLENGE.

ALL WE'VE GOT TO DO IS THINK OF THE RIGHT SONG.

WHAT ABOUT "THE OLD FOLKS AT HOME"?

OH, "THE OLD FOLKS AT HOME"? MRS. SLOCOMBE COULD TEACH YOU THAT.

THAT'S IT. I'M OFF.

- MR. LUCAS...! - ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO AND APOLOGIZE.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT "CLIMB UPON MY KNEE, SONNY BOY"?

I DON'T THINK HIS KNEES ARE UP TO IT.

I CAN REMEMBER SOME OF THE WORDS OF "MAMMY."

WHICH ARE THE WORDS YOU REMEMBER?

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY! ♪

I'M NOT VERY CLEAR AFTER THAT.

WE'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

AH, SHE'S NOT CROSS.

SHE WAS AT THE COUNTER ORDERING A BOWL OF JUNKET.

YOU'RE VERY LUCKY, MR. LUCAS,

THAT MRS. SLOCOMBE IS A WOMAN OF GREAT SELF-CONTROL.

YEAH, SHE'S NOT A BAD OLD TROUT REALLY.

HERE YOU ARE, MR. GRAINGER. I BORROWED THIS RECORD,

AND WE CAN PLAY IT THROUGH THE SOUND SYSTEM.

THIS IS REALLY VERY GOOD OF YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

NOT AT ALL, AS SOON AS EVERYBODY'S GONE,

WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE REHEARSAL.

JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE. JUST A MOMENT.

MR. RUMBOLD WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS YOU BEFORE YOU ALL LEAVE.

WELL, I HOPE IT'S NOT GOING TO TAKE LONG.

IF I'M NOT HOME ON THE STROKE OF 7:00,

MY PUSSY STARTS CLAWING UP MY BUSY LIZZIE.

NOW... AHEM... SORRY ABOUT THIS.

YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD THAT OUR ELECTRIC FATHER CHRISTMASES

HAVE NOT BEEN AN UNQUALIFIED SUCCESS.

THE VOICE IS ALL RIGHT, BUT THE ARMS...

NEED SOME MODIFICATION.

YES. IT WAS A PITY ABOUT THE SMALL BOY WITH THE BROKEN RIBS.

STILL, MR. GRACE DID MANAGE TO PULL A FEW STRINGS

AND GET HIM PUT IN A PRIVATE WARD WITH HIS FATHER,

WHO'S NO LONGER ON THE DANGER LIST,

HAVING RECOVERED FROM THE ELECTRIC SHOCK

SUSTAINED WHEN TRYING TO RELEASE THE LITTLE LAD.

WHAT IT IS TO HAVE INFLUENCE.

YES. SO IT'S BEEN DECIDED TO ABANDON THE PROJECT

AND INSTEAD SUBSTITUTE A LIVE FATHER CHRISTMAS.

I'M ASKING FOR A VOLUNTEER.

NATURALLY, IT'S HOT WORK, BUT THERE IS A BONUS...

£10 A WEEK.

- LESS TAX? - LESS TAX.

ANYBODY FANCY WEARING A BEARD AND A DRESSING GOWN FOR A WEEK FOR 3 QUID?

PERHAPS A SHOW OF HANDS?

WITH ALL THESE YOUTH PILLS I'M TAKING,

IT WOULDN'T BE GOOD FOR MY IMAGE.

CHILDREN DON'T SEEM TO LIKE ME.

WHEN I SMILE, THEY HIDE

THEIR FACES IN THEIR MOTHER'S SKIRTS.

WELL, IF ANY OF YOU DO DECIDE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND,

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO SUBMIT A WRITTEN APPLICATION.

OTHERWISE, SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO BE APPOINTED.

THAT'S ALL. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

RIGHT. COME ON. I PLUGGED IT IN.

NOW, MR. GRAINGER, MR. LUCAS AND I

HAVE WORKED OUT ONE OR TWO ACTIONS FOR YOU.

THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

NOT AT ALL, I JUST HOPE

YOU'LL BEAR IT IN MIND WHEN I ASK

IF I CAN LEAVE EARLY ON CHRISTMAS EVE TO DO MY SHOPPING.

WELL, NOTHING IS FOR NOTHING,

AS MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO SAY.

NOW YOU SIT DOWN HERE, MR. GRAINGER,

AND WE'LL SHOW YOU WHAT WE'VE GOT IN MIND.

- YOUR HAT, MR. LUCAS. - THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- YOUR CANE, MR. HUMPHRIES. - THANK YOU.

- ARE YOU FREE, MR. HUMPHRIES? - I'M FREE, MR. LUCAS.

RIGHT. CONTACT!

( music playing )

( singing with recording ) ♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW JUST WHERE THE SUN SHINES BEST ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MY HEARTSTRINGS ARE TANGLED AROUND ♪

♪ ALABAMY ♪

♪ I'M A' COMIN' ♪

♪ SORRY THAT I MADE YOU WAIT ♪

♪ I'M A' COMIN' ♪

♪ I HOPE AND PRAY I'M NOT TOO LATE ♪

♪ OH-HH, OH, MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ I'D WALK A MILLION MILES ♪

♪ FOR ONE OF YOUR SMILES ♪

♪ MY MAMMY. ♪

RIGHT. NOW...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, MR. GRAINGER?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

THERE WERE ONE OR TWO BITS I DIDN'T QUITE GRASP.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

THERE'S YOUR STICK. THERE'S YOUR HAT.

ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS GET IN THE MIDDLE AND FOLLOW US.

NOW, BACK A BIT. THAT'S IT.

- THERE YOU ARE. - LUCKY YOU WERE A DANCER, ISN'T IT?

YES, YES, YES, YES.

I MEAN, LOTS OF PEOPLE WOULD TAKE YEARS, YOU KNOW,

TO GET HOLD OF A ROUTINE LIKE THIS.

( laughing ) YES.

ALL RIGHT, STAND BY. HERE WE GO.

( music playing )

- NOW WALK ROUND, MR. GRAINGER. - ROUND.

AND SWING.

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST... ♪

HANG ON A MINUTE! HANG ON. HANG ON.

( music stops )

I'M... I'M AFRAID I MADE A FEW MISTAKES THERE.

YES, YOU DID.

BUT MY MOUTH WAS MOVING WITH THE WORDS,

- WASN'T IT? - OH, YES, YES.

YOUR LEGS WEREN'T MOVING WITH YOUR BRAIN.

PERHAPS WE COULD DO IT A BIT AT A TIME.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT. YES.

LET'S START BY DECIDING WHICH IS YOUR LEFT LEG.

TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU COME OUT LIKE THIS, AND YOU GO:

♪ MAMMY, MAMMY ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST... ♪ AND YOU GO OVER THERE.

THE SUN SHINES WEST, AND YOU GO OVER THERE.

AND I KNOW WHERE THE SUN SHINES BEST.

WHICH DIRECTION IS THAT?

WE'LL MEET THERE WHEN WE COME TO IT.

PERHAPS WE COULD PLAY THE MUSIC A LITTLE SLOWER?

I'LL HAVE A WORD WITH AL JOLSON.

IT'S ON THE RECORD!

WELL, YES, BUT YOU CAN... YOU CAN CHANGE THE TIME.

YOU'RE NOT AS SILLY AS YOU LOOK, ARE YOU?

ALL RIGHT. READY?

YES. NOW STEADY, MR. GRAINGER.

AND... GO!

( playing very fast ) ♪ Mammy, Mammy ♪

♪ The sun shines east ♪

♪ The sun shines west... ♪

- MR. LUCAS, PLEASE! - ( music stops )

HE'LL DO HISSELF A MISCHIEF.

I THINK I'VE GOT THE HANG OF IT NOW.

WE'RE GOING TO DO IT VERY SLOWLY,

SO IT'LL GIVE YOU PLENTY OF TIME TO THINK WHAT COMES NEXT.

- YES, YES, YES. - RIGHT!

NOW WALK ROUND.

( music playing very slowly )

IT'S BIONIC GRAINGER.

♪ Mammy ♪

♪ Mammy ♪

♪ The sun shines east... ♪

OVER HERE, WHERE IT WAS BEFORE.

♪ The sun shines west... ♪

WEST IS HERE, YES. BY GEORGE, HE'S GOT IT.

YOU WAIT TILL HE GETS HIS HEARTSTRINGS TANGLED AROUND ALABAMY.

THE WAY HE'S WALKING, I THINK HE ALREADY HAS.

♪ Mammy ♪

♪ Mammy... ♪

ROUND, MR. GRAINGER. DON'T SCREW YOURSELF IN THE GROUND.

- OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. - ♪ My heartstrings... ♪

- COME HERE, DOWN HERE. - ( music plays normally )

♪ Alabamy... ♪

- ARE YOU READY? NOW WALK. - READY?

♪ I'M A' COMIN' ♪

♪ SORRY THAT I MADE YOU WAIT ♪

- THIS WAY. - ♪ I'M A' COMIN' ♪

♪ I HOPE AND PRAY I'M NOT TOO LATE ♪

HERE!

♪ MAMMY ♪

♪ MY LITTLE MAMMY ♪

♪ I'D WALK A MILLION MILES ♪

♪ FOR ONE OF YOUR SMILES ♪

♪ MY MAMMY. ♪

IT'S LIKE THIS, MR. GRACE.

TO BEGIN WITH, THERE WERE NO APPLICATIONS AT ALL

FOR THE FATHER CHRISTMAS POST, BUT SINCE I'VE TOLD MY STAFF

THAT YOU'RE OFFERING £50 CASH, THEY'VE ALL APPLIED.

YES, I THOUGHT THEY WOULD.

SOME PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY.

ARE YOU STILL DOWN THERE, MISS BECKBOW?

YES, MR. GRACE.

WELL, YOU'D BETTER COME UP.

- BEEN THERE LONG ENOUGH. - IT'S ALL RIGHT. I FOUND IT.

IT WAS IN THE WASTEPAPER BASKET.

ALL RIGHT, I FOUND IT.

IT WAS IN THE WASTEPAPER BASKET.

OH, GOOD.

WELL, NOW, WHO DO YOU FANCY?

( snickers )

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

AS FATHER CHRISTMAS, SIR.

WELL... LINE THEM ALL UP,

AND I'LL COME DOWN AND PICK ONE BEFORE THE STORE OPENS.

AND IT IS DEFINITELY £50 IN CASH?

ABSOLUTELY. CASH IN THE HAND.

THANK YOU, SIR.

RIGHT.

OHH!

( knock on door )

- WHO IS IT? - CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

OH, WELL, COME IN.

I'M SORRY. I WANTED TO SEE MR. RUMBOLD.

AH-HA. GOOD MORNING, SIR.

I... I CAME TO INQUIRE IF THE MEMBERS OF THE EXECUTIVE STAFF

WERE PERMITTED TO APPLY FOR THE POST OF FATHER CHRISTMAS.

- THEY ARE. - I GATHERED THAT.

- ( knock on door ) - WHO IS IT?

MRS. SLOCOMBE, LADIES' WEAR.

WAIT A MINUTE. COME OVER HERE AND STAND BY ME.

WE'LL GIVE HER A SURPRISE.

ENTER!

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU PLAYING AT?

I'M NOT PLAYING AT NOTHING, MR. RUMBOLD.

( spitting )

BUT I WOULD ASK YOU TO REMEMBER

THAT PARLIAMENT HAS PASSED THE SEXUAL RELATIONS ACT...

WHICH STATES THAT WOMEN ARE JUST AS GOOD AT IT AS MEN.

AND WHAT'S MORE, THEY SHOULD BE PAID THE SAME FOR DOING IT.

I'M RATHER CONFUSED

AS TO EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE SUGGESTING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

THAT I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE A GO AT FATHER CHRISTMAS.

FATHERS ARE, BY TRADITION, MEN.

WITH ALL THESE WHISKERS, WHO'S TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?

PRESUMABLY THE MOTHERS.

I DEMAND MY RIGHTS TO A FAIR TRIAL.

OH, VERY WELL. WE'LL LET YOUNG MR. GRACE DECIDE.

THE THINGS I DO FOR 50 QUID.

COME ON THEN, STAND UP. LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT YOU.

IT MAY TAKE LONGER THAN YOU EXPECT.

WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU GET THAT?

IT WAS ALL THAT WAS LEFT OVER

FROM LAST YEAR'S SNOW WHITE STAND.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'M MEANT TO BE HAPPY, SNEEZY OR GRUMPY.

IF YOU ASK ME, YOU'RE DOPEY.

BEFORE YOU SPEAK, I'VE BORROWED IT.

I BORROWED IT OFF A FRIEND OF MINE

WHO'S IN A SOHO REVUE CALLED "MERRY STRIPMAS."

YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THE GIRLS WEAR.

HAVE YOU SHRUNK, OR ARE YOU STANDING IN A HOLE?

DOWN, FIDO.

NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

I HOPE NOT.

YOUNG MR. GRACE WILL BE HERE IN A MOMENT.

WHERE'S MR. GRAINGER?

I PHONED LAST NIGHT, JUST BEFORE HE WENT TO HIS CONCERT,

AND HIS WIFE SAID HE'D PUT BLACK GREASEPAINT ALL OVER HIS FACE...

THE PARROT HAD SEEN HIM AND HAD A HEART ATTACK.

SO I TOLD HER TO WISH HIM LUCK

AND GIVE THE PARROT MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.

THERE WE ARE, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU'RE AMONGST FRIENDS.

HE SAID HE'S SORRY HE'S LATE,

BUT HE GOT ROPED IN AS THIRD DUSTBIN IN A STEEL BAND.

I'M NOT... I'VE SAT UP ALL NIGHT

TRYING TO GET THIS DAMN STUFF OFF MY FACE.

DIDN'T YOU USE THE REMOVER I GAVE YOU?

YES, I DID. IT BROUGHT ME OUT IN BIG BUMPS.

OH... YOU POOR OLD THING.

THEN I WENT TO AN ALL-NIGHT CHEMIST'S.

COULDN'T HE HELP YOU?

NO. HE JUST RUSHED

FOR THE TELEPHONE, CALLED FOR AN AMBULANCE,

AND SAID, "LASSA FEVER."

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, MR. GRACE WILL BE DOWN IN A MOMENT.

GET THE REST OF YOUR FATHER CHRISTMAS STUFF ON,

AND MAYBE WITH THE WHISKERS AND A BEARD, HE WON'T NOTICE.

HOW DID THE SHOW GO?

OH, I WAS A RIOT.

YEAH. HE WENT TO THE WRONG HALL

AND DID TWO CHORUSES FOR THE NATIONAL FRONT.

IT'S VERY LUCKY THE OLD PEOPLE LAUGHED A LOT,

BECAUSE I HAD A TERRIBLE ROW WITH MY WIFE BEFORE I LEFT.

I CAUGHT HER KISSING THE PARROT.

Mr. Rumbold: QUICK! INTO LINE, EVERYBODY.

HERE COMES YOUNG MR. GRACE.

MORNING, EVERYBODY.

All: GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE.

NOW, LET'S SEE.

NO, NO, NO, NEITHER OF YOU.

YOU'RE BOTH TOO SHIFTY-EYED.

I'M NOT PAYING HIM 50 QUID. HE'S ONLY HALF-SIZED.

I DON'T THINK I KNOW YOU, DO I?

( low-pitched voice ) HO HO HO, LITTLE BOY!

HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE VERY GOOD LAST WEEK.

YOU SAW MY SALES FIGURES?

NO, NO. I SAW "MERRY STRIPMAS."

EXCUSE ME, MR. GRACE. I FOUND ONE.

AH YES. I KNEW IT WOULD BE A DIFFICULT CHOICE,

SO I SENT MY SECRETARY OUT TO PICK UP

THE FIRST SMALL BOY SHE CLAPPED HER EYES ON,

AND... AND HE CAN CHOOSE.

WOW! THAT'S WHAT I CALL A REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS!

HO, HO, HO, LITTLE BOY!

HAVE I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS, TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHING, RESTAURANT AND TEAS... ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪