Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

IT'S NEARLY 8:30. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FINISHED ON THE FLOOR BY NOW.

WE'RE NOT USED TO COMING TO WORK THIS EARLY.

MY OLD MAN HAD A FIT WITH HIS LEG UP.

HAD TO GET HIS OWN BREAKFAST.

IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S RIDICULOUS OPENING THE SHOP AT THIS HOUR.

WHO WANTS TO GO SHOPPING AT HALF PAST 8:00 IN THE MORNING?

ONE HAS TO EXPERIMENT. THAT'S WHY WE BUILT THE CONCORDE.

HEAR THAT, ETHEL?

HE'LL HAVE US COMING TO WORK ON THE CONCORDE NEXT.

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

GOOD MORNING, MR. RUMBOLD.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?

A CUP OF COFFEE AND WHAT WAS DESCRIBED

AT FRED'S CAFE AS A BACON BUTTY.

BUT I THOUGHT MRS. PEACOCK ALWAYS GOT YOUR BREAKFAST?

NOT AT 0600 HOURS.

WHEN I TRIED TO WAKE HER UP,

SHE TURNED OVER AND MURMURED SOMETHING

WHICH SOUNDED REMARKABLY LIKE, "GET KNOTTED."

STILL, I'M SURE THE EARLY START WILL PAY DIVIDEND.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU? WE'VE GOT A CUSTOMER ALREADY.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

DON'T BE DAFT. IT'S ME.

MY DAD GAVE US A LIFT IN ON THE BACK OF HIS MOTORBIKE.

WE PICKED UP MRS. SLOCOMBE ON THE WAY.

THAT'S RATHER DANGEROUS... THREE OF YOU ON A MOTORCYCLE.

SHE WAS IN THE SIDECAR.

THAT IS THE LAST TIME.

WHEN YOU SAID HE WAS A T.T. RIDER,

I THOUGHT YOU MEANT HE DIDN'T DRINK.

I TOLD YOU TO FACE THE FRONT.

I COULDN'T BEAR TO SEE WHERE I WAS GOING.

OH, IT'S GOING TO COST ME A FORTUNE AT MADAM BERYL'S

TO GET THIS KNOT BACK INTO SHAPE.

AT LEAST YOU'RE HERE ON TIME, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

TIME FOR WHAT?

THERE WON'T BE ANY CUSTOMERS, YOU KNOW.

AND WHAT IT'S DOING TO MY DOMESTIC ARRANGEMENTS...

HAVING A BATH AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING,

PLAYED HAVOC WITH MY PUSSY.

HE SLEEPS IN THE AIRING CUPBOARD,

AND THE GURGLING OF THE TANK WOKE HIM UP.

AH, MR. GRAINGER, RELIABLE AS EVER.

I'VE HAD A MOST UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE.

MRS. GRAINGER HIT ME OVER THE HEAD

WITH A BOTTLE OF BISMUTH.

DIDN'T YOUR WIFE WANT TO COOK YOUR BREAKFAST EITHER?

NO, BUT APPARENTLY WHEN I WOKE HER UP,

SHE WAS DREAMING SHE WAS ON ERROL FLYNN'S YACHT.

WAS SHE HIS GIRLFRIEND?

NO, IT WAS MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

SHE WAS ERROL FLYNN.

I SHALL HAVE TO SORT IT ALL OUT WHEN I GET HOME.

AH, WELL. ONLY MR. HUMPHRIES AND MR. LUCAS TO COME.

MR. HUMPHRIES MAY BE A LITTLE LATE.

HE WAS GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND, I BELIEVE.

I HOPE WE'LL ALL CONTINUE TO MAKE A SPECIAL EFFORT TO GET HERE ON TIME,

BECAUSE I'M SURE THAT THE SALES FIGURES

RESULTING FROM THE EARLY OPENING

WILL FULLY JUSTIFY MY FAITH IN THE NEW SYSTEM.

ALL ABOARD.

AH, FUNNY BOY.

YOU'RE NOT JOINING UP, ARE YOU?

OF COURSE I'M NOT JOINING UP.

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET FROM NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

PEOPLE ARE VERY KIND TO THE SERVICES, YOU KNOW.

YOU WERE LUCKY TO GET AWAY WITH IT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THE NAME OF YOUR SHIP ON YOUR HEADBAND.

IF THE NAVAL POLICE HAD SPOTTED THAT,

YOU'D HAVE GOT INTO TROUBLE.

I'D HAVE GOT INTO WORSE TROUBLE

IF THEY'D SEEN WHAT WAS ON BEFORE.

- WHAT WAS THAT? - "KISS ME QUICK."

Mrs. Slocombe: DIDN'T ANYONE THINK THE UMBRELLA WAS PECULIAR?

OH, YES, BUT WHEN THEY QUESTIONED IT,

I SAID IT WAS TO KEEP MY HAIR DRY IN THE FAIR ISLES.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T WEAR THE WHOLE UNIFORM.

I USED TO, BUT PEOPLE KEPT WANTING TO TOUCH MY COLLAR FOR LUCK.

I BET YOU MET A LOT OF NICE GIRLS THAT WAY.

I DID.

NOT TO MENTION A ROVING REPORTER,

A TRENDY BISHOP, A STRING-VESTITE

AND A DUSTMAN WITH A VERY INTERESTING TALE TO TELL.

( bell rings )

PLACES, EVERYBODY.

OH, COME ON, ETHEL, TEA UP!

MRS. SLOCOMBE, UNCOVER YOUR BUST, PLEASE.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YOUR COUNTER BUST. WE'RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

UM, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A TELLTALE,

BUT OUR MR. LUCAS IS NOT IN YET.

ISN'T THAT CORRECT, MR. HUMPHRIES?

YES, THAT'S CORRECT.

I'M QUITE AWARE OF THE SITUATION,

BUT YOU DID RIGHT TO BRING IT TO MY ATTENTION.

I JUST HOPE HE HAS A GOOD EXCUSE.

( razor buzzing )

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE THIS,

BUT MY POOR OLD CRIPPLED MOTHER OVERSLEPT THIS MORNING

AND SHE FORGOT TO WAKE ME UP.

THEN I MISSED THE BUS.

SO SHE HAD TO GIVE ME A LIFT IN HER INVALID CARRIAGE.

I KEPT TELLING HER TO PUT HER FOOT DOWN... HER GOOD ONE.

THE POLICE STOPPED HER FOR SPEEDING AND GAVE HER A BREATHALYZER.

UNFORTUNATELY, SHE ONLY HAD TIME TO COOK MY BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

ALL SHE HAD WAS A QUICK LIQUEUR CHOCOLATE ON THE WAY OUT.

IT WAS STILL ON HER BREATH WHEN SHE BLEW UP THE BAG.

BY THE TIME I'D BEEN TO BOW STREET AND BAILED HER OUT,

I WAS VERY NEARLY LATE.

YOU ARE LATE, MR. LUCAS.

THAT'S BECAUSE I MET YOUNG MR. GRACE ON THE GROUND FLOOR.

"GOOD MORNING, MR. LUCAS," HE SAID,

"HOW CLEVER OF YOU TO GET HERE ON TIME."

BY THE TIME I TOLD HIM HOW I WAS VERY NEARLY LATE,

I WAS. GO ON, YOU CAN ASK HIM.

AT LEAST YOU COULD HAVE SHAVED BEFORE YOU LEFT HOME.

I'VE BEEN SHAVING ALL MORNING, SIR.

IT'S THE BATTERIES, THEY'RE GETTING A BIT LOW.

MY MOTHER USES THEM DURING THE WEEK IN HER DEAF AID.

- HOW DID IT SOUND? - WONDERFUL.

MAKES DR. WHO'S ADVENTURES SEEM QUITE NORMAL.

IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN THE ONE ABOUT YOU HELPING TO DELIVER A BABY

FOR A TITLED LADY ON A BICYCLE THAT HAD TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS.

HERE WE ARE, 8:30 IN THE MORNING.

WHEN'S IT ALL GOING TO START? WHEN'S THE RUSH GOING TO HAPPEN?

TO QUOTE MR. RUMBOLD,

THE CREATIVE PLATFORM THAT THIS IDEA IS BUILT UPON

IS BASED ON THE PREMISE THAT BY OPENING EARLIER,

WE SHALL CATCH CUSTOMERS ON THE WAY TO WORK.

ALL WE'RE LIKELY TO SELL AT THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING ARE MONKEY NUTS.

IF YOU ASK ME, PEOPLE ON THEIR WAY TO WORK

WON'T HAVE TIME TO BUY ANYTHING.

GOOD MORNING, SIR. ARE YOU BEING... OH, YOU ARE.

CHECK SUIT ON THE DUMMY IN THE WINDOW,

£32, SIZE 38.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

THAT'S IT!

OH, THE CHECK, YES. THAT'S A NEW LINE, AND VERY POPULAR INDEED.

IT'S PRESHRUNK WOOL AND 50% MANMADE FIBER,

AND THEN YOU... UH, YOU... MR. GRAINGER!

NOT WHEN I'M SELLING, MR. HUMPHRIES, PLEASE.

YOU'VE SOLD, MR. GRAINGER. HE'S GONE.

BUT I NEVER TOLD HIM

THE SLEEVES WOULD RIDE UP WITH WEAR.

GLASS OF WATER FOR MR. GRAINGER.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

- GLOVES. - SIZE?

SEASONABLE WEATHER.

LARGE.

- COLOR? - BLACK.

ONE LARGE BLACK.

HUH. FITS. HOW MUCH?

£5.

I SEE THAT YOU'RE INTERESTED IN GLOVES, SIR.

THE GENTLEMAN IS INTERESTED IN GLOVES, MR. LUCAS.

IT'S ALL OVER, MR. GRAINGER!

( telephone buzzes )

OHH, BLIMEY.

( high voice ) HELLO, MENSWEAR.

NO, THIS IS NOT MR. HUMPHRIES!

IT'S FOR YOU. IT'S A LADY.

THERE'S NO NEED TO SOUND SO SURPRISED.

HELLO?

OH, HELLO, MOTHER.

YES, OF COURSE I'M ALL RIGHT.

SHE CAME TO STAY WITH ME LAST NIGHT,

FOUND THAT I WASN'T IN BED.

YES, DEAR.

I PUT MY PAJAMAS ON THE BOLSTER

SO YOU'D THINK IT WAS ME IN BED WHEN YOU ARRIVED.

HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WASN'T?

I DON'T SLEEP WITH PADDINGTON BEAR ANYMORE.

HIS WELLINGTONS WERE SO COLD.

NO, NO, NO. I'D BEEN HITCHHIKING DRESSED AS A SAILOR.

FOR A PARTY.

WAS IT FOR A PARTY THE LAST TIME AS WELL?

OH, MOTHER, NOW, I AM OVER 21.

WELL OVER.

YES, OF COURSE I'M STILL YOUR LITTLE BOY.

NO, I HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.

WELL, NOT MUCH.

I CAN'T HELP IT IF I'M POPULAR, CAN I?

OOH, THAT REMINDS ME.

IF A MAN RINGS UP WITH A SCOTTISH ACCENT,

YOU'RE THE CLEANER AND YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF ME.

MM-HMM.

NO, I DON'T OWE HIM ANY MONEY.

I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE'S SOMEONE

COMING UP THE GARDEN PATH IN A KILT?

LOCK THE DOOR AND HIDE IN THE CUPBOARD.

I'LL PHONE YOU BEFORE I LEAVE HERE.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR

UNLESS IT'S A YOUNG POLICEMAN CARRYING A ROLLED UMBRELLA.

IF I CAN BORROW A HELMET FROM THE TOY DEPARTMENT, THAT'LL BE ME.

TAKE THE PHONE INTO THE CUPBOARD WITH YOU.

BYE.

IT'S ALL GO AT YOUR PLACE, ISN'T IT?

YES, AND IT'S ONLY MONDAY.

THIS EARLY-MORNING OPENING SEEMS TO BE WORKING.

THEY'VE TAKEN ALMOST 40 QUID OVER THERE,

AND THAT'S BEFORE THEY'VE UNLOCKED THE TILL.

THAT WON'T HAPPEN OVER HERE, MISS BRAHMS.

SHOPPING IS AN ART.

WOMEN LIKE TO TAKE THEIR TIME TO ASSESS THE GOODS

AND MAKE A DECISION.

MEN JUST SEE SOMETHING THEY WANT AND GRAB AHOLD OF IT.

- HADN'T YOU NOTICED? - YES, I HAD.

IT HAPPENED TO ME IN THE PUB LAST NIGHT.

- IT DIDN'T, DID IT? - MMM.

THERE WAS THIS BLOKE WITH THIS OPEN-NECK SHIRT

AND A HAIRY CHEST WITH BIG MUSCLES.

THE PUB WAS JAM-PACKED, AND I WAS WEARING...

JUST A MINUTE. HOW OLD WAS THIS MAN?

OH, HE MUST HAVE BEEN 40 IF HE WAS A DAY.

OH, QUITE YOUNG, REALLY. GO ON.

I WAS WEARING MY SKINTIGHT JEANS,

THOSE ONES WITH THE FALSE PATCH JUST THERE.

"BLIMEY," HE SAYS, "THERE'S A STITCH GOING,"

GRABS HOLD AND WON'T LET GO.

OH, JUST IMAGINE. GO ON.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SHOUT AND MAKE A FUSS OR ANYTHING.

NO, ONE DOESN'T, DOES ONE? SO WHAT DID YOU DO?

I ORDERED A LARGE GIN AND TONIC WITH A LOT OF ICE,

PUT IT ON HIS BILL,

AND POURED IT DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TROUSERS.

THAT GOT HIS HAND OFF.

DON'T SOME MEN TAKE TERRIBLE LIBERTIES?

WHERE EXACTLY IS THIS PUB?

GOOD MORNING, MADAM. CAN I HELP YOU?

HATS... LADIES'.

HURRY.

WHERE WOULD MADAM LIKE TO BE DIRECTED FIRST,

TO THE HATS OR THE LADIES'?

NO, NO, LADIES' HATS.

WEDDING.

COUNTER, THERE.

GOOD MORNING, MADAM. NOT A VERY NICE MORNING, IS IT?

GUEST AT A WEDDING.

10:30.

NEED A HAT.

OH, DO HURRY, PLEASE. I'M LATE.

MILLINERY... OCCASION, MISS BRAHMS.

THIS WAY.

AH, THIS IS THE LAST ONE OF THESE.

IT WAS A VERY EXCLUSIVE LINE.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

OOH.

OH, THAT DOES SUIT MADAM.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOUR NEEDLE'S STUCK IN THE GROOVE.

I JUST CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.

HOW MUCH ARE THEY?

THEY'RE ALL £5.

I'LL TAKE THE LOT. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

THAT'S, UH, £20.

RIGHT. THANKS.

WELL! DID YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

WHAT WAS THAT?

THE 8.50 NIGHTIE.

IT WAS PROBABLY THE 10:30 BRIDE.

YES, VERY SATISFACTORY.

ARE YOU REFERRING TO THE QUEEN PUDDING, SIR?

NO. NO.

NO. THE REMARKABLE JUMP IN SALES FIGURES THIS MORNING.

IT'S VERY GRATIFYING WHEN ONE PLAYS A HUNCH AND IT COMES OFF.

YES, SIR.

IT'S THE SORT OF THING THAT MADE CHURCHILL GREAT.

THE RIGHT DECISION TAKEN AT THE RIGHT TIME.

TURNING DEFEAT INTO VICTORY.

IT'S AN ABILITY I PUT TO VERY GOOD USE IN THE WAR, IN THE ARMY.

THERE MUST BE TIMES WHEN YOU MISS THE CATERING CORPS, SIR.

YES.

I MUST SAY, THE STAFF DON'T LOOK TOO HAPPY.

I THINK WE'RE ALL JUST GETTING OVER THE EARLY START, SIR.

STILL, THEY'LL SOON SETTLE DOWN.

HOW'S YOUR QUEEN PUDDING?

IT HASN'T QUITE FULFILLED ITS PROMISE.

I DON'T KNOW...

IT PROMISED TO BE AWFUL, AND IT'S DISGUSTING.

IT'S THIS CUSTARD... IT LACKS DEFINITION.

IT'S MORE LIKE DISTEMPER.

WHAT IS CUSTARD?

REAL CUSTARD IS MADE WITH NEW-LAID EGGS,

FRESH, CREAMY MILK,

AND REFINED CASTOR SUGAR.

THIS LOT'S MADE OF EDIBLE STARCH, COLORING, FLAVORING,

AND MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

THE LIBRARY WAS SHUT THE OTHER DAY,

SO I READ THE PACKETS IN MY PANTRY.

IT'S NO GOOD. I'LL JUST HAVE TO EAT IT.

IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME SINCE BREAKFAST.

I HOPE WE DON'T GO ON WITH THIS EARLY-MORNING EXPERIMENT.

THE WAY I SEE IT, THEY'RE BOUND TO.

HOW DO YOU ARRIVE AT THAT HYPOTHESIS?

- I BEG YOUR PARDON? - I WON'T SAY THAT AGAIN.

MY TEETH ARE CAUGHT UP WITH THIS CUSTARD.

IT STANDS TO REASON, DOESN'T IT?

LOOK AT THE SALES WE MADE IN THE FIRST HALF-HOUR.

WE WERE 100 QUID UP THIS MORNING.

WE WEREN'T FAR SHORT.

IF WE GO ON LIKE THIS AT THE END OF THE DAY AND WE'RE UP THAT MUCH,

THIS EARLY-MORNING START COULD BECOME A WAY OF LIFE.

IF IT DOES, I SHALL HAVE TO CHANGE MY MILKMAN.

HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT OUT?

THIS MORNING WAS THE FIRST TIME

I'D MET HIM FACE TO FACE,

AND IT WAS A VERY NASTY EXPERIENCE.

I THINK HE'D BEEN TO SEE ONE OF THOSE FILMS, YOU KNOW...

"CONFESSIONS OF A MILKMAN."

IF HE HADN'T HAD HIS HANDS FULL OF RASPBERRY YOGURT,

I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HERE TO TELL THE TALE.

WHAT DID WE TAKE LAST MONDAY?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DID WE TAKE LAST MONDAY, MR. GRAINGER?

OH, DON'T ASK ME.

MY MEMORY'S LIKE A... LIKE A... LIKE A...

- LIKE A SIEVE. - THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

ALL WE GOT TO DO IS FIND OUT

WHAT WE DID TAKE LAST MONDAY AND THEN KEEP BELOW IT.

BUT OLD JUG EARS KEEPS ALL THE FIGURES IN HIS OFFICE.

SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO HAVE A PEEP.

HOW?

SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO GET HIM OUT OF HIS OFFICE.

THEN WHILE HE'S OUT, ONE OF US CAN NIP IN AND NIP THROUGH HIS FILES.

IT'S JUST THE SORT OF THING THAT BULLDOG DRUMMOND WOULD HAVE DONE

WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO OUTWIT OSCAR PETERSON.

YOU MEAN CARL PETERSON. OSCAR PETERSON PLAYS THE PIANO.

HE DIDN'T PLAY THE PIANO WHEN BULLDOG DRUMMOND WAS THERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I'M MAKING A DICE OUT OF THIS SUGAR CUBE.

WE'LL THROW IT.

WHOEVER GETS THE SMALLEST NUMBER DOES THE DEED.

OH, ISN'T IT EXCITING?

- MR. GRAINGER, YOU GO FIRST. - WHAT IS THIS?

I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

JUST PUT THE SUGAR IN THE CUP AND SHAKE IT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, EVERYTHING'S FIXED.

NOW, LOOK. YOU PHONE UP RUMBOLD AND GET HIM OUT HERE,

AND LEAVE THE REST TO ME.

OUT AND ROGER.

WOULD YOU CONNECT ME WITH MR. RUMBOLD, PLEASE?

( phone rings )

RUMBOLD HERE.

( high squeaky voice ) YOU DON'T KNOW ME,

BUT I SPOTTED YOU AT THE SQUASH CLUB LAST NIGHT.

OH, YES? WHAT IS THE NATURE OF YOUR INQUIRY?

I WAS IN THE GALLERY, AND I COULDN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU.

Rumbold: To whom am I speaking?

OH, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE NOTICED LITTLE ME.

I'M ONLY 21 WITH LONG BLONDE HAIR

AND A 40-INCH BUST.

BUT OUR EYES DID MEET BRIEFLY FOR A SECOND

WHEN YOU LEAPT IN THE AIR

AND HIT THAT WINNING SHOT.

YOU HAVE TERRIBLY EXCITING KNEES.

UH... HOLD ON.

HAVE I GOT THIS RIGHT?

YOU'RE 4O WITH A 21-INCH BUST...

NO, IT'S THE OTHER WAY ROUND!

WHAT'S THE OTHER WAY ROUND?

OH, NEVER MIND.

THE FACT IS THAT I MADE INQUIRIES,

AND I FOUND OUT WHERE YOUR PLACE OF WORK WAS,

AND I MUST SPEAK TO YOU

BECAUSE I'VE GOT THIS THING ABOUT BALD-HEADED MEN.

Rumbold: But I'm happily married.

I'VE GOT THIS THING ABOUT HAPPILY MARRIED BALD-HEADED MEN.

YOU'RE NOT ALONE IN THAT, YOU KNOW.

Slocombe: I'm coming to see you in your office.

GOOD HEAVENS, ARE YOU IN THE BUILDING?

YES, I'M IN THE RESTAURANT.

MORE TEA, DEAR?

HOLD ON, HOLD ON. YOU CAN'T COME DOWN HERE.

Slocombe: I'll see you in a minute, my sweet.

MEET ME AT THE LIFT.

Rumbold: Wait, but how shall I know you?

I'LL JUST GO OVER MY VITAL STATISTICS AGAIN.

I'M 21, WITH BLUE EYES, LONG BLONDE HAIR,

A TINY WAIST, AND A 40-INCH BUST.

MRS. SLOCOMBE.

( normal voice ) GOODBYE, ETHEL.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,

WE DO NOT MAKE PERSONAL CALLS ON THE FIRM'S TIME,

NEITHER DO WE CONTRAVENE THE TRADES DESCRIPTIONS ACT.

- HERE HE COMES. - WELL, GO ON, THEN.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, SIR?

OH, YES, YES, YES. I WAS JUST...

COUNTING THE CUSTOMERS.

AT THE MOMENT, WE HAVE ONE THERE

AND ONE OVER THERE.

GOOD, I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.

CARRY ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

CARRY ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I AM CARRYING ON, SIR.

THIS IS WHAT I DO.

WHAT, ALL DAY?

ALL DAY.

I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT AS WELL.

( telephone rings )

FIGURES...

I HEARD THE PHONE RINGING, SO I CAME IN TO ANSWER IT

IN CASE IT WAS URGENT, MR. RUMBOLD.

- WHY HAVEN'T YOU ANSWERED IT? - YES.

I SUDDENLY THOUGHT TO MYSELF, PERHAPS IT'S A PRIVATE CALL,

AND MR. RUMBOLD WON'T WANT ME TO ANSWER IT, I THOUGHT.

ANSWER IT NOW AND ASK THEM IF THEY'RE 21,

WITH LONG, BLONDE HAIR AND A 40-INCH BUST.

ARE YOU 21 WITH LONG, BLONDE HAIR AND A 40-INCH BUST?

NO, NO, NO.

I'M... I'M 80,

WITH SHORT, WHITE HAIR AND, UH...

HARDLY ANY BUST AT ALL.

- I'VE GOT IT. - QUICK, BEFORE PEACOCK GETS BACK FROM HIS BREAK.

- NOW, WHAT WAS IT? - LAST MONDAY, 325.

AND WHAT HAVE WE TAKEN SO FAR?

I'M UP TO 170 ALREADY.

AND WE'RE 150, AND IT'S ALREADY HALF PAST 2:00.

Lucas: ANY SUGGESTIONS?

COULDN'T WE CLOSE?

NO, BUT YOU'VE GIVEN ME AN IDEA. WE COULD STOP SELLING.

STOP SELLING? HOW CAN YOU STOP SELLING IF PEOPLE COME IN TO BUY?

IT'S QUITE EASY. PUT THEM OFF.

HOW?

WELL, THAT'S EASY.

INSTEAD OF PUSHING THINGS, YOU DO THE OPPOSITE. COME ON.

GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR. MAY I HELP YOU?

NO, YOUR ASSISTANT IS ATTENDING TO MY WIFE.

SHE'S BUYING AN EVENING DRESS.

AN EVENING DRESS? ABOUT WHAT PRICE RANGE?

£95.

95... EXCUSE ME. MISS BRAHMS!

- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE? - HOW'S THE SALE GOING?

OH, SHE LOOKS LOVELY IN IT.

IF YOU SELL IT, WE'RE DONE.

BUT SHE LIKES IT.

I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET.

DO COME OUT WHEN YOU'RE READY, MADAM.

WELL, HENRY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO WEAR IT.

I THINK MADAM LOOKS QUITE ENCHANTING.

IT'S A DELIGHTFUL GARMENT.

I'M AFRAID MADAM'S HUSBAND ISN'T QUITE SO SURE,

AND I'M INCLINED TO AGREE WITH HIM.

I DIDN'T SAY I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU MUST SPEAK YOUR MIND.

I THINK MADAM CARRIES IT VERY WELL.

OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE COLOR, SIR?

NOW YOU'VE MENTIONED IT, IT IS A BIT BOLD.

I THINK MADAM CAN GET AWAY WITH A BOLD COLOR.

SHE'LL CERTAINLY BE NOTICED.

MAY I INQUIRE WHAT THE FUNCTION IS?

IT'S THE FIRM'S DANCE.

YOU'LL BE THE BELLE OF THE BALL.

AND IS SIR THE MANAGING DIRECTOR?

NO, I'M MANAGER OF ACCOUNTS.

IF I MAY SAY SO,

ONE HAS TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO OUTSHINE

ONE'S SUPERIORS' WIVES AT THESE DOs.

ON THE OTHER HAND, A MAN IS OFTEN JUDGED BY HIS WIFE.

IT DOESN'T PAY TO BE TOO FLAMBOYANT

WHEN YOU'RE HANDLING THE FIRM'S MONEY.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I AM NOT SUGGESTING

THAT THE GENTLEMAN HAS BEEN DIPPING IN THE TILL.

THEN HOW CAN HE AFFORD A DRESS LIKE THAT?

I'VE BEEN VERY CAREFUL ALL MY LIFE.

DON'T CALL PAYING £95

FOR A DRESS FOR ONE OCCASION CAREFUL.

BUT IF MADAM IS HAPPY, THEN NO PRICE IS TOO GREAT.

HE'S NOT DOING IT FOR HER.

HE'S PANDERING TO HIS OWN EGO...

SHOWING OFF IN FRONT OF THE BOYS.

IT WAS YOUR IDEA, HENRY.

I'D SOONER HAVE HAD A WASHING MACHINE.

THERE YOU ARE. THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE?

AND WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING ONE?

'CAUSE HE CAN'T SHOW IT OFF AT A DANCE.

IF YOU WANT A WASHING MACHINE, I'LL BUY YOU A WASHING MACHINE.

I DO WANT A WASHING MACHINE.

TAKE OFF THAT STUPID DRESS, FOR A START.

YOU LOOK LIKE A GREAT BIG STUFFED TURKEY.

OH! WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO SAY.

OH, WE'RE GETTING THE TRUTH NOW, AREN'T WE?

YOU NEVER LOVED ME ANYWAY!

NO, HE DIDN'T!

TYPICAL, TYPICAL.

ONE WORD OUT OF PLACE,

AND SHE TURNS THE WATERWORKS ON!

YOU CAN GO TO THE DANCE ALONE!

OH, I SHALL GO TO THE DANCE, BUT I SHAN'T GO ALONE!

OH!

OH, THE TRUTH'S COMING OUT NOW, ISN'T IT?

IT'S THAT GIRL ON THE COMPTOMETER!

IT ALL ADDS UP!

MADAM MUSTN'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

SHE DOESN'T NEED A £95 DRESS TO SHOW HERSELF OFF!

I DON'T NEED A £95 DRESS EITHER!

- I HATE IT! - OH MY GOD!

I HATE IT! AAH!

WE'LL HAVE TO CHARGE YOU FOR THAT.

YOU'VE JUST RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD DRESS.

YOU'VE JUST RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD MARRIAGE.

JUST LIKE "CROSSROADS," ISN'T IT?

OH, MR. GRACE. THIS IS INDEED AN HONOR, SIR.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

OH, CHECKING THE TAKINGS, SIR.

THE NEW SCHEME WAS GOING VERY WELL UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON,

THEN, FOR SOME INEXPLICABLE REASON, THEY DROPPED OFF.

WHAT DROPPED OFF?

THE TAKINGS.

WE'RE STILL £20 SHORT ON LAST MONDAY'S TOTAL.

YES, WELL, I CAN'T GO BACK ON MY WORD.

IF THE FIGURES DON'T IMPROVE, THE SCHEME'S OFF.

WE'VE STILL GOT A LITTLE TIME TO GO, SIR.

YES, WELL, AT THE END OF THE DAY, COME BACK HERE TO MY OFFICE

AND PUT THE FIGURES HERE ON MY DESK.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, THIS IS NOT YOUR OFFICE.

THIS IS MY OFFICE. THIS IS MY DESK.

OH... THAT'S YOUR WIFE, THEN?

YES, SIR.

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

FIVE MINUTES TO GO.

I DON'T THINK I COULD LIVE THROUGH ANOTHER DAY LIKE THIS.

I'VE LOST 8 POUNDS... IN COMMISSION.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A BIT CHEEKY, MIND,

THE WAY YOU TOLD THAT ARAB YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE JEWISH UMBRELLAS.

MR. GRAINGER, MR. HUMPHRIES, CUSTOMER.

BLIMEY. IF HE WANTS ANYTHING MORE THAN A SHIRT STUD, SHOOT HIM.

LEAVE HIM TO ME.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

THANK YOU. I'D LIKE A RAINCOAT.

WE DON'T SELL MANY OF THOSE THESE DAYS, SIR. WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?

TO KEEP OUT THE RAIN.

WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY THAT'LL KEEP OUT THE RAIN.

WE'VE GOT ONE OR TWO THAT MIGHT STRAIN IT FOR YOU.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KEEP OUT THE RAIN,

YOU OUGHT TO GO TO THE YACHTING DEPARTMENT AND GET AN OILSKIN.

I DO USE AN UMBRELLA.

I'D LIKE THE RAINCOAT I SAW IN THE WINDOW FOR £28.

AH, THAT RANGE HAS BEEN MARKED UP TO 40.

OH.

OH, I SEE.

SORRY I CAN'T OBLIGE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. GOOD DAY.

WELL DONE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

LOOK OUT.

EXCUSE ME?

WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT ONE IN THE WINDOW THAT'S MARKED 28?

- WHAT SIZE ARE YOU, SIR? - 40.

THAT'S A 34, YOU SEE. THAT'S WHY IT'S GOING CHEAP.

OH.

I SEE.

WELL DONE, MR. LUCAS.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I SUPPOSE IF THEY'VE ALL GONE UP, THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

- I'LL TAKE ONE FOR £40. - RAINCOAT RAIL, MR. LUCAS.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. JUST WRAP IT UP. I'LL TAKE IT.

NO, SIR, YOU MUST TRY IT ON.

IT'S MORE THAN MY JOB'S WORTH TO LET YOU LEAVE THE DEPARTMENT

WITHOUT TRYING IT ON. HERE WE ARE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THERE.

NOW, THEN.

OH, JUST LOOK AT THAT TERRIBLE STITCHING.

HOW COULD THEY LET IT OUT OF THE WORKROOM LIKE THAT?

YOU MAY WELL ASK, MR. LUCAS.

I HAVE TO ASK, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WE HAVE A SACRED TRUST TOWARDS OUR CUSTOMERS.

LOOK AT THAT. UNEVEN SLEEVES.

I ALWAYS HAVE THIS TROUBLE. MY ARMS ARE UNEVEN.

I'M USED TO IT, YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU?

LET'S CONSIDER THE COLOR, THEN.

YOU CAN'T WEAR THAT COLOR WITH THAT COLOR HAIR.

OF COURSE, THE GENTLEMAN COULD CHANGE THE COLOR OF HIS HAIR.

I AGREE WITH YOU, BUT MY WIFE INSISTS

I WEAR CLOTHES THIS COLOR.

THE GENTLEMAN COULD CHANGE HIS WIFE.

YEAH, I TRIED TO, BUT SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT.

NO, IT'LL DO FINE. GO ON, WRAP IT UP.

- DESPITE THE FACT IT'S THE WRONG COLOR? - AND IT ISN'T WATERPROOF?

YES, JUST WRAP IT UP. AND I MUST SAY,

I'M REALLY MOST IMPRESSED WITH YOUR HONESTY.

ONE WOULD THINK YOU DIDN'T WANT TO SELL ME AN OVERCOAT.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A FAT FACE,

PIGGY EYES... AND A PIMPLE ON YOUR NOSE.

YOU YOUNG SALESMEN JUST DON'T KNOW

HOW NOT TO SELL CLOTHES.

MR. GRAINGER, ARE YOU FREE?

YES, I'M FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

A CUSTOMER HAS JUST COMPLAINED TO ME THAT YOU SAID

HE HAD A FAT FACE, PIGGY EYES, AND A PIMPLE ON HIS NOSE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

AM I THE SORT OF MAN WHO WOULD TELL A CUSTOMER

HE HAD A FAT FACE, PIGGY EYES, AND A PIMPLE ON HIS NOSE?

NO, OF COURSE NOT, ERNEST. I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU.

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS, TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHING, RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪