Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

- ARE YOU BEING SERVED? - I WAS LOOKING FOR A SWEATER.

CERTAINLY, SIR.

MR. GRAINGER, ARE YOU FREE?

I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A BOWLER HAT.

MR. LUCAS, IS MR. HUMPHRIES FREE?

YES. MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

- I'M FREE, MR. LUCAS. - MR. HUMPHRIES IS FREE, MR. GRAINGER.

- THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS. CAPTAIN PEACOCK? - YES, MR. GRAINGER?

- MR. HUMPHRIES IS FREE. - THANK YOU, MR. GRAINGER.

MR. HUMPHRIES IS FREE, SO HE'LL ATTEND TO YOU. MR. HUMPHRIES, FORWARD.

ARE YOU BEING SERVED, SIR?

THANK YOU, MADAM. THE BILL IS INSIDE.

IF THE GARMENT DOESN'T GIVE YOU EVERY SATISFACTION,

PLEASE BRING IT BACK

BECAUSE WE'RE ONLY HERE TO BE OF SERVICE.

IT HAD GOT TO BE HALF PAST 9:00 AND I WAS ALL DRESSED.

I'D BEEN DRESSED FOR AN HOUR AND HE STILL HADN'T ARRIVED.

- HE STOOD YOU UP? - MEN DON'T STAND ME UP, MISS BRAHMS, OH NO.

I EXPECT HIS CAR HAD BROKEN DOWN.

IT DID THE LAST TIME WE HAD A DATE.

AND HE APOLOGIZED MOST HUMBLY

WHEN I BUMPED INTO HIM A WEEK LATER.

OH, SO YOU WERE ALL DRESSED UP AND NOWHERE TO GO?

NO, NO, NO.

MRS. AXELBY AND I WENT DOWN TO THE PALAIS.

IT WAS THE "OVER 25s" NIGHT.

DID YOU PICK ANYBODY UP?

WE DIDN'T GO FOR THAT, MISS BRAHMS.

I MEAN, DID ANYONE COME UP AND ASK YOU TO DANCE?

NO, I DON'T ENCOURAGE THAT SORT OF THING.

ANYWAY, I DIDN'T LIKE THE LOOK OF ANY OF THE MEN THERE.

AFTER WE'D STOOD BY THE DANCE FLOOR FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES...

SUSSING IT OUT, YOU KNOW... WE WENT INTO THE BAR.

OH, YOU DIDN'T GET SLOSHED AGAIN?

CERTAINLY NOT.

WE JUST HAD A FEW GIN AND TONICS.

ONE OF THE TONICS I HAD MUST HAVE BEEN BAD.

THEY ARE SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW.

BUT ANYWAY, I CAME OVER ALL DIZZY.

MRS. AXELBY HAD TO PUT ME TO BED.

ICES! ICES! ( chuckles )

HERE WE ARE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

12 PAIRS OF 30 DENIER TIGHTS.

UNLUCKY FOR SOME.

12 PADDED BRAS.

WHO'S KIDDING WHO?

FINALLY, 24 PAIRS OF NOVELTY BRIEFS

KNOWN TO SUCH COMMON PERSONS AS MYSELF

AS " NAUGHTY KNICKERS."

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MR. MASH?

HERE. LOOK AT THAT.

OH, IT'S GOT WRITING ON.

WHAT DOES IT SAY, MISS BRAHMS?

"IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU'RE TOO CLOSE."

- HOW DISGUSTING! - IT'S TRUE.

- WHAT ABOUT THEM, THEN? - OOH-HH!

HANDY.

THEN THERE'S THESE. THESE COME IN FOUR MODELS.

"HELLO, CHEEKY,"

"I LOVE ELVIS,"

"YOUR FLIES ARE UNDONE,"

AND, "NO PARKING."

DID YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING LIKE IT IN YOUR LIFE?

MY BOYFRIEND BOUGHT ME A PAIR OF THOSE ONCE,

BUT I WOULDN'T WEAR THEM.

WHAT DID THEY SAY?

"IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, PULL DOWN."

THAT MUST BE WORTH A £5 FINE.

THAT'LL BE QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT, THANK YOU, MR. MASH.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

I CERTAINLY AM, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I CAN ONLY GIVE YOU A MOMENT, I HAVE TO SEE MR. RUMBOLD.

I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO DISPLAY THESE.

YOU'RE NOT BEING ASKED TO WEAR THEM, ARE YOU?

CERTAINLY NOT. I WOULDN'T PUT THEM ON FOR A THOUSAND POUNDS.

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU TAKE THEM OFF FOR, THEN?

MR. MASH, GET BACK TO YOUR BASEMENT.

I SEE, WORKERS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, EH?

EH? EH? COR BLIMEY, IT'S MARVELOUS.

ANYWAY, MATE, WE HAVE OUR LAUGHS, DON'T YOU WORRY.

YOU OUGHT TO SEE WHAT THEY'VE WRITTEN ABOUT YOU ON THE WALLS OF OUR KHARZI.

SEE HERE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

I REFUSE TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THESE VULGAR GARMENTS.

THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD.

PROGRESS HAS TO MARCH ON, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

NOT WEARING THOSE, IT DOESN'T.

I HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE ALL PAID

TO SELL THE GOODS PURCHASED BY THE BUYING DEPARTMENT.

AND IF I DON'T?

NO ONE IS IRREPLACEABLE.

( gasps )

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STAND FOR THAT, ARE YOU?

I VERY NEARLY SAID SOMETHING VERY CUTTING AND RUDE, I CAN TELL YOU.

I BET. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

I'VE A GOOD MIND TO HAND IN MY RESIGNATION.

- YOUR RESIGNATION?! - SHH, STOP! NOT SO LOUD.

IT'S YOU, SIR, DEFINITELY YOU.

DON'T YOU THINK SO, MR. LUCAS?

YES, IT'S DEFINITELY THE CUSTOMER.

IT SEEMS A LITTLE TIGHT TO ME.

THEY ARE BEING WORN TIGHT THIS YEAR, SIR.

PARTICULARLY THAT ONE.

I WANTED IT FOR GOLFING.

IT WOULD BE VERY GOOD, SIR. IT KEEPS YOUR ARMS STIFF.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY A SWING, SIR?

OH, YOU HAVE A LOVELY MOVEMENT THERE.

YES, WELL, I DO HAVE A VERY SMALL HANDICAP.

OH, DO YOU?

WE COULD PROBABLY FIND A PAIR OF TIGHT TROUSERS TO GO WITH IT.

THANK YOU.

IT GRIPS ME UNDER THE ARMS.

THERE'S A LOT OF TENSION IN THAT SHETLAND WOOL, SIR.

IT'S THE NERVOUS SHEEP. THEY LIVE NEAR A FIRING RANGE.

THANK YOU. WHY DON'T YOU TRY ANOTHER SWING, SIR?

YES.

IT'S VERY GOOD FOR DRIVING. HOW IS IT FOR PUTTING?

IT'S PULLING.

PERHAPS IT'S THE WAY YOU'RE HOLDING THE CLUB, SIR?

YOU MUST REMEMBER, IT WILL STRETCH AFTER THE FIRST WASH.

I THOUGHT WOOL ALWAYS SHRANK.

NO, THAT'S A POPULAR MISCONCEPTION, THAT.

YOU ONLY HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT TO SEE IT COULDN'T BE TRUE.

OTHERWISE EVERY TIME IT RAINED, THE SHEEP WOULD GET SMALLER, WOULDN'T THEY?

NO, I DEFINITELY NEED THE NEXT SIZE.

WE HAVEN'T GOT THE NEXT SIZE.

WE MUST HAVE THE NEXT SIZE.

- WE'VE ONLY GOT A 48. - THAT'S THE NEXT SIZE.

NEXT SIZE COMING UP, MR. HUMPHRIES.

HERE WE ARE, SIR. HOW'S THAT?

- WHERE'S HE GONE? - ALLOW ME.

THERE, SIR.

THERE'S NOT MUCH IN IT, REALLY.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE LONG?

THEY ARE BEING WORN LONG THIS YEAR, SIR.

IT'D BE GOOD FOR YOUR HANDICAP.

YOU MUST REMEMBER, IT WILL SHRINK AFTER THE FIRST WASH.

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID WOOL DOESN'T SHRINK. - THAT'S PURE WOOL.

THIS IS HALF WOOL AND HALF EXTRUDED MAN-MADE FIBER.

THE EXTRUDED BIT SHRINKS IN HOT WATER.

THE MAN-MADE BIT SHRINKS IN COLD WATER.

THERE'S NO POINT IN WEARING IT AT ALL UNTIL YOU'VE WASHED IT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I'LL TAKE IT.

- SALE, MR. LUCAS. - IT WAS A VERY NEAR THING, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- LET ME HELP YOU OUT OF THE SMALL ONE. - THANK YOU. WOULD YOU?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT IN THERE, SIR?

I'M STUCK!

MR. HUMPHRIES, WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING THE GENTLEMEN'S REAR

WHILE I PULL FROM THE FRONT?

WITH PLEASURE, MR. LUCAS.

IT'S LIKE PULLING A CHRISTMAS CRACKER, ISN'T IT?

I WONDER WHO'S GOING TO GET THE NOVELTY?

THERE WE ARE, SIR.

IT'S GONE!

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

- IT'S GONE! - WHAT'S GONE?

MY TOUPEE. YOU'VE LOST IT!

OH! OUR ADA.

ARE THEY ATTENDING TO YOU, SIR?

THEY ARE LOOKING FOR MY VERY EXPENSIVE UNDETECTABLE HAIRPIECE.

WE'RE HAVING TROUBLE DETECTING IT.

I BET IT'S IN THE JUMPER.

AH.

OH.

SHOULD WE COMB IT NOW, OR AFTER YOU'VE PUT IT ON?

GIVE IT TO ME.

OH, TAKES YEARS OFF YOU.

IS IT... IS IT ALL RIGHT?

YES.

NOT QUITE AS UNDETECTABLE AS IT WAS.

WHAT OTHER COLORS DID THEY HAVE?

YES, I CERTAINLY MADE MY POINT TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

"I'M HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THOSE THINGS," I SAID.

HE MUST HAVE TOLD RUMBOLD, 'CAUSE HE'S BRINGING HIM OVER.

HE WOULDN'T SNEAK, WOULD HE?

RUMBOLD'S LOOKING VERY UGLY.

LOOK AT THE START HE'S GOT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS, ONE MOMENT PLEASE.

YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

MRS. SLOCOMBE,

SOMETHING QUITE SHOCKING HAS COME TO MY EARS.

I THOUGHT THAT HAPPENED WHEN HE WAS BORN.

I'M AFRAID I HAD TO TELL MR. RUMBOLD ABOUT YOUR...

INSUBORDINATE ATTITUDE.

THERE ARE SOME KNICKERS THAT I WILL DISPLAY,

AND SOME THAT I WON'T.

THOSE I WON'T ARE STAYING IN MY DRAWERS.

I SEE.

MISS BRAHMS BACKS ME UP IN THIS, DON'T YOU?

YES, AND MRS. SLOCOMBE FEELS SO STRONGLY ABOUT IT, SHE'S PREPARED TO RESIGN.

- IS THIS TRUE, MRS. SLOCOMBE? - WELL...

WHAT I MEANT WAS

THAT I SHALL HAVE TO CONSIDER IT VERY CAREFULLY.

- VERY WELL. - I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO CONSIDER IT YET!

I DO THINK THAT SOMEONE WITH MY EXCELLENT SALES RECORD

SHOULD BE ALLOWED SOME DISCRETION

AS TO THE STUFF I PUSH.

DON'T YOU AGREE WITH ME, MR. GRAINGER?

IF YOU WANT MY OPINION,

YOU'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE

SINCE YOU PUT FOOT ON THIS FLOOR.

YOU TWO-FACED OLD CRAB.

( gasps )

I TAKE IT YOU DON'T SUPPORT MRS. SLOCOMBE, MR. GRAINGER?

IF SHE WANTS TO RESIGN, LET HER.

WE CAN DO WITH THAT SPACE TO EXPAND OUR TROUSERS.

OUR TROUSERS HAVE BEEN RATHER RESTRICTED

SINCE THE LADIES ARRIVED.

BURSTING AT THE SEAMS, YES.

THAT AREA HAS BEEN DEVOTED TO OUR TROUSERS FOR OVER 25 YEARS.

IN THOSE DAYS, BEFORE THE LADIES ARRIVED,

IT WAS KNOWN AS "BARGAIN BAGS."

NOW THEY'RE HERE, IT STILL IS.

I MUST SAY, IN MR. GRAINGER'S DEFENSE,

THAT HIS SALES HAVE GONE DOWN

SINCE THE LADIES TOOK OVER HALF THE FLOOR.

PERHAPS BECAUSE HE'S A BIT PAST IT.

PAST IT? PAST IT?!

A GLASS OF WATER FOR MR. GRAINGER.

GLASS OF WATER COMING UP.

TELL THAT WOMAN I'M SEVERING MY CONNECTIONS.

SHOULD I CANCEL THE GLASS OF WATER, THEN?

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY MR. GRAINGER'S

BLOWING OFF AT ME.

IT WASN'T MY IDEA TO MOVE INTO HIS TROUSERS.

YES, HE'S BEING UNCOMMONLY RUDE.

IT WAS A GREAT SHOCK TO MR. GRAINGER

TO SUDDENLY FIND LADIES IN HIS TROUSERS.

WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO BAD IF IT HAD BEEN SPORTS EQUIPMENT.

I HAD NO IDEA MRS. SLOCOMBE'S UNDERWEAR

WAS CAUSING SO MUCH FRICTION.

NEITHER DID I.

ANYWAY, I COULD EASILY GET A TOP JOB SOMEWHERE ELSE, YOU KNOW.

HARRODS HAVE BEEN MAKING SOME VERY INTERESTING OVERTURES.

WHAT FOR, THE PIANO DEPARTMENT?

I ALSO HAVE VERY GOOD CONNECTIONS

WITH MARSHALL & SNELLGROVE.

THE BEAUTY DEPARTMENT AT SWANN AND EDGARS

HAVE MADE ME A VERY INTERESTING OFFER.

WHAT WAS IT, A FREE FACELIFT?

THAT'S IT! I'M GOING.

UH, CAPTAIN...!

- MR. GRAINGER, DON'T STOP HER. - OH, NO.

I WAS JUST GOING TO RING FOR THE LIFT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU CAN'T GO WITHOUT YOUR HAT AND COAT.

I'M NOT GOING OUTSIDE.

I'M GOING UP TO SEE YOUNG MR. GRACE.

I'M GOING TO PUT MY POINTS BEFORE HIM PERSONALLY.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE.

All: GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE.

MAY I SAY, MR. GRACE, THAT IT DOES OUR HEARTS GOOD

TO SEE YOU LOOKING SO FLAMBOYANT.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU, MR. GRACE. - YES, YES.

WE DON'T WANT A SCENE HERE. KEEP HIM TALKING.

MAY I SUGGEST, SIR, ONE OF OUR SILK HANDKERCHIEFS

FOR YOUR TOP POCKET? ( snapping )

THERE, SIR. THAT'S QUITE A GOOD MATCH, I THINK YOU'LL AGREE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, MR. GRACE?

OH, I PREFER IT.

DON'T YOU AGREE?

- YES, OF COURSE. - YES, MR. GRACE.

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

QUIET FOR MR. GRACE.

YOU MAY ALL BE SURPRISED TO KNOW

THAT I'VE BEEN A WIDOWER NOW FOR 40 YEARS.

( imitating Mr. Grace ) ♪ AND IT DON'T SEEM A DAY TOO MUCH... ♪

( low ) MR. LUCAS...!

YET THERE'S SOMEBODY HERE IN GRACE BROTHERS

WHO I'VE HAD MY EYE ON FOR SOME TIME.

I'M SURE THAT ANY LADY WHO HAS ATTRACTED YOUR ATTENTION

MUST HAVE GREAT QUALITIES, MR. GRACE.

SHE WILL INDEED BE A LUCKY LADY, SIR.

SHE'LL HAVE LOTS OF LOLLY AND ALL.

AND SHE WON'T HAVE LONG TO WAIT FOR IT.

TO SUM IT UP, THE MAXIMUM OF ONE THING, THE MINIMUM OF THE OTHER.

MAY WE BE PERMITTED TO KNOW THE NAME, SIR?

NO, I PREFER TO KEEP THAT SECRET

UNTIL I'VE TOLD HER MY INTENTIONS.

THAT SHOULDN'T TAKE LONG.

I SHALL REVEAL EVERYTHING TO YOU SHORTLY.

WE'LL LOOK FORWARD TO THAT, MR. GRACE.

WILL YOU GIVE ME YOUR ARM, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

I'D LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU IN PRIVATE.

HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU NOW, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

SINCE I WAS A JUNIOR HERE, MR. GRACE.

YES, YES. A VERY LONG TIME.

WELL, WE... WE CAN'T DISCUSS IT HERE.

PERHAPS YOU WOULD HAVE TEA WITH ME IN MY OFFICE THIS AFTERNOON

AT SAY... 4:00? I WANT TO TALK ABOUT A RING.

A RING?

CARRY ON, EVERYBODY.

YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

- A RING? - A RING.

HE'S GOING TO PROPOSE.

IF SHE MARRIES HIM SHE'LL BE IN CHARGE OF THE WHOLE STORE.

AFTER THAT "TIZ-WAZ" THIS MORNING, IT LOOKS AS THOUGH MR. GRAINGER'S

GOING TO LOSE HIS TROUSERS ALTOGETHER.

NOT TO MENTION, US OUR JOBS.

SHE'LL BE THE POWER BEHIND THE THRONE.

I NEVER LIKE TO THINK OF PEOPLE HAVING POWER THERE.

WE ALL HEARD THAT. DOES THAT MEAN YOU AND HIM ARE GOING TO GET...

WE DON'T WISH TO MAKE ANY COMMENT AT THE MOMENT.

- GET ME A CHAIR, MISS BRAHMS. - YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I'M... I'M SORRY

ABOUT OUR LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

BUT I WAS ONLY DOING MY DUTY.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHEN I SPOKE TO MR. RUMBOLD,

I DID SAY MY SYMPATHIES LAY WITH YOU.

IT WAS YOU WHO SAID, "WE'D BETTER PUT HER IN HER PLACE."

NO, SIR, WHAT I ACTUALLY SAID WAS, "THERE SHOULD BE

A BETTER PLACE FOR US TO PUT HER IN."

NO HARD FEELINGS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH CRAWLING

SINCE THE LAST TIME I WAS AT THE REPTILE HOUSE IN THE ZOO.

THAT'LL DO, MISS BRAHMS.

JUST BECAUSE MRS. SLOCOMBE'S GOING TO MARRY THE HEAD OF THE FIRM,

YOU'RE GETTING ALL SMARMY.

- ( plastic crinkles ) - HAVE A SWEETIE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

NO, THANK YOU, MY DEAR.

I HAVE TO THINK OF MY FIGURE FOR A LITTLE LONGER.

BESIDES, I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SAID YES YET, YOU KNOW.

ONE HAS TO WEIGH UP THE PROS AND CONS.

HE'S VERY OLD. I MEAN, HE'S PAST IT.

YES, I'M NOT SURE WHETHER THAT'S A PRO OR A CON.

ANYWAY, HE'S NOT ALL THAT OLD. HE'S ONLY ABOUT 70.

HE CERTAINLY DOESN'T LOOK 70.

NO, HE LOOKS ABOUT 85.

BESIDES, AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

I WONDER WHERE HE'S GOING TO TAKE YOU FOR A HONEYMOON.

THEY HAVE A LOT OF EARTHQUAKES IN JAPAN.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?

GET INTO A NICE HOTEL, GET HIM IN THE BRIDAL SUITE

AND WAIT FOR A TREMOR.

YOU'VE GOT TILL 4:00 TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO POP THE QUESTION?

IF HE DOES, MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHAT'S THE ANSWER GOING TO BE?

I SHALL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT VERY CAREFULLY.

IF YOU HAVE ANY BOTHER, YOU MUST DO

"HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT" WITH YOUR TEA BAGS.

BUT MY HAIR IS AN ABSOLUTE SIGHT.

I WONDER IF COULD GET AN APPOINTMENT

UP IN THE CONTINENTAL BEAUTY SALON

WITH MADAME BERYL.

OF COURSE, IT WOULD MEAN HAVING AN EXTRA LONG LUNCH BREAK.

I'M SURE THAT WILL BE QUITE IN ORDER.

THOSE DECISIONS ARE MINE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

TAKE AS LONG AS YOU LIKE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR LUNCH.

I'LL SEND YOU DOWN A BIT OF FAIRY CAKE.

YES... YOU DON'T WANT YOUR TUM TO RUMBLE

AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY, "THIS IS SO SUDDEN."

BUT WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?

I MUST LOOK MY BEST.

THE FULL FACILITIES OF MY DEPARTMENT

ARE AT YOUR SERVICE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

SHE'S HARDLY LIKELY TO GET PROPOSED TO WEARING A THREE-PIECE SUIT.

I WAS REFERRING TO OUR SUPERIOR FITTING ROOM

WITH TWO-WAY MIRROR.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

WHAT MR. GRAINGER REALLY MEANT WAS

THE MIRROR YOU CAN SEE BACK AND FRONT IN AT THE SAME TIME.

COMES IN QUITE HANDY SOMETIMES.

I'M SURE MR. RUMBOLD WOULD WELCOME YOUR CHOOSING

ANY GARMENT FROM THE LADIES' DEPARTMENT.

OF COURSE, I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THAT.

OH, HOW KIND.

OF COURSE, I WOULD HAVE TO CHOOSE SOMETHING

SUITABLE TO THE OCCASION.

HOW ABOUT "OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS"?

HALF PAST 3:00 AND MRS. SLOCOMBE'S STILL NOT BACK FROM LUNCH.

SHE IS A VERY DEAR PERSON, YOU KNOW, STEPHEN.

- I'M VERY FOND OF HER. - OH, SO AM I.

( chuckling ) BY THE WAY, ERNEST,

HAS YOUNG MR. GRACE ANY LIVING RELATIONS?

ONLY OLD MR. GRACE.

OF COURSE, HE DOESN'T GET ABOUT VERY MUCH.

NO... IN THAT CASE,

SHE STANDS TO COP THE LOT.

YES. SHE IS A VERY DEAR PERSON.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME HOW THE PARTY WENT.

OH, THE FANCY-DRESS PARTY THE OTHER NIGHT. I CAN'T SPEAK ABOUT IT.

OH, GO ON. FORCE YOURSELF.

I BET YOU HAD THE BEST FANCY-DRESS COSTUME THERE.

IT WAS A STROKE OF GENIUS TO GO AS "THE RED SHADOW."

I'D BEEN WONDERING WHAT TO DO WITH THOSE CURTAINS FROM THE GUEST BEDROOM.

I SUPPOSE YOU USED A TOUCH OF THE OLD COCOA

- TO BLACK UP AND STAIN THE FACE? - CERTAINLY NOT.

I USED "OVERNIGHT TAN." I WASN'T QUITE DARK ENOUGH,

SO I STUCK MY HEAD IN THE OVEN FOR FIVE MINUTES ON REGULO TWO.

I BET YOU FELT LIKE "LAWRENCE OF ARABIA."

I DID.

I TOOK MY SLIPPERS, MY BEDROOM SLIPPERS,

AND I HELD THEM OVER THE GAS,

AND I PULLED THE TOES OUT TO A POINT AND CURLED THEM UP...

JUST LIKE THE REAL THING.

BRILLIANT. IF ANYONE ELSE HAD GONE AS LAWRENCE OF ARABIA,

YOU COULD HAVE SAID YOU WERE "ALI BABA" AND YOU'D LEFT YOUR POTS OUTSIDE.

ALAS, I SHALL NEVER KNOW WHO WENT AS WHAT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - MY MINICAB BROKE DOWN.

I HAD TO WALK. I COULDN'T REMEMBER THE ADDRESS,

I HAD NO IDEA WHERE THE FLAT WAS,

AND I WAS KNOCKING ON DOORS AT RANDOM.

SO THERE YOU WERE IN YOUR CURLED-UP SLIPPERS

AND YOUR BEST CURTAIN MATERIAL FEELING DESPERATE.

UNTIL TWO POLICEMEN THREW THEIR ARMS ROUND ME.

YOU FOUND THE FANCY-DRESS PARTY, THEN?

NO, BUT YOU TRY WALKING ROUND GOLDERS GREEN AT MIDNIGHT

DRESSED AS AN ARAB, KNOCKING ON DOORS.

I WAS ESCORTED HOME IN A POLICE CAR

FOR MY OWN SAFETY.

WHAT AN ANTI-CLIMAX.

NOT REALLY. ONE OF THEM STAYED FOR SHERRY

AND SHOWED ME HOW HIS HANDCUFFS WORKED.

VERY NICE THAT, REALLY. COULD BE VERY NICE.

- ARE YOU BEING SERVED, SIR? - NO, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE SOME TROUSERS.

CERTAINLY, SIR. MR. GRAINGER, ARE YOU FREE?

I'M AFRAID NOT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MR. LUCAS, ARE YOU FREE?

I'M FREE, MR. GRAINGER.

- THIS WAY, SIR. - THANK YOU.

MR. GRAINGER, WHY DID YOU SAY THAT YOU WERE NOT FREE?

BECAUSE I'M WAITING TO TELL MRS. SLOCOMBE

HOW NICE HER HAIR LOOKS.

HOW NICE YOUR HAIR LOOKS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

REALLY A LA MODE.

IT'S LACQUERED SOLID.

I BUMPED INTO THE COMMISSIONAIRE...

KNOCKED THE PEAK OFF HIS HAT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, IT'S WONDERFUL.

- I BET IT WAS EXPENSIVE. - A MERE TRIFLE, DEAR.

I SIGNED THE BILL.

I'VE GOT OUT THE DRESSES YOU WANTED TO TRY ON.

I'M AFRAID I SHALL HAVE TO LEAVE YOU IN CHARGE, MISS BRAHMS.

MAYBE MISS BRAHMS WILL HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT.

I SHALL CERTAINLY PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR HER.

OOH, ISN'T THAT A COMMON COLOR WHEN YOU GET IT IN THE LIGHT?

TAKE IT AWAY, MISS BRAHMS.

NOW THAT'S RATHER NICE.

BROWN'S VERY DIGNIFIED, ISN'T IT?

YES, AND IT DOESN'T SHOW THE GRAVY.

OUR SUPERIOR FITTING ROOM IS OVER HERE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

YOUR KINDNESS TO ME

WILL NOT GO UNNOTICED, MR. GRAINGER.

YOUR TIE IS CROOKED, MR. HUMPHRIES.

OOH.

THIS WHOLE DEPARTMENT'S IN NEED OF REDECORATION.

I CAN'T ABIDE MUCKY PAINT.

AAH!

THERE'S A NAKED MAN IN THERE IN HIS UNDERPANTS.

THAT'S NOTHING, MRS. SLOCOMBE. YOU WAIT TILL THE HONEYMOON.

I THINK I'LL MAKE USE OF MY OWN FACILITIES, THANK YOU.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

- YES, MR. HUMPHRIES? - YOU'RE A MAN OF THE WORLD.

IN YOUR WIDE EXPERIENCE IN THESE MATTERS,

DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE A GO OF IT?

PUTTING IT BLUNTLY, MR. HUMPHRIES,

I'D SAY NEITHER OF THEM IS IN A POSITION TO BE VERY CHOOSY.

I CAN'T THINK WHAT'S COME OVER THE OLD BOY.

PERHAPS HE DOESN'T WANT TO DIE...

UNPROGENITATED.

THAT WOULD BE A MOST UNFORTUNATE THING TO HAPPEN.

PERHAPS HE WANTS TO HAVE SOMEBODY READY TO TAKE OVER

LIKE EVA PERON, WHEN HER JUNTA COLLAPSED.

THAT CAN BE NASTY, TOO.

AND IF YOU ASK ME...

SHE'LL HAVE HER HANDS FULL.

REALLY?

ARE YOU FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

Peacock: YES INDEED, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?

IT'S A TRIFLE FORMAL FOR AFTERNOON TEA, DON'T YOU THINK?

I'M NOT GOING TO WEAR IT THIS AFTERNOON.

BUT I COULDN'T RESIST TRYING IT ON.

IT MAKES ME FEEL ALL YOUNG AND INNOCENT.

A REMARKABLE GARMENT, INDEED.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, IT'S QUARTER TO 4:00,

TIME TO PUT YOUR AFTERNOON FROCK ON.

OH!

( hums "Bridal Chorus" )

OH, BE STILL, MY FLUTTERING HEART.

THAT'S WIND FROM YOUR FAIRY CAKE.

IT LOOKS AS IF SHE'S MADE UP HER MIND.

IN FIVE MINUTES' TIME SHE'LL BE IN MR. GRACE'S OFFICE.

I WOULDN'T MIND BEING A FLY ON THE WALL UP THERE.

I COULD TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU'D SEE...

TEA FOR TWO, A SILLY OLD MUFFIN AND A TIRED OLD BIT OF CRUMPET.

- ( knocking ) - COME IN, COME IN.

HERE ARE THE RINGS YOU WANTED TO HAVE A LOOK AT, MR. GRACE.

THANK YOU, MISS ROBINSON. WHERE'S THE TEA?

JUST COMING, MR. GRACE.

- ( knocking ) - Grace: COME IN.

HOPE I'M NOT LATE.

YOU'RE EARLY. THE TEA'S NOT ARRIVED YET.

Grace: DO SIT DOWN.

YOU KNOW MISS ROBINSON OF THE JEWELRY DEPARTMENT?

HER SUPERIOR AND I ARE OLD ACQUAINTANCES.

( knocking )

THAT'LL BE THE TEA. COME IN.

HERE YOU ARE A NICE POT OF "ROSIE LEE," MR. GRACE,

AND YOUR USUAL MUFFIN AND CRUMPET.

OH, THEY'RE NICE RINGS, EH?

PICK A BIG ONE, DARLING.

PICK THE HONEYMOON SUITE ON THE GROUND FLOOR.

ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS, HE WON'T BE ABLE

TO GET HIS BREATH BACK UNTIL AFTER BREAKFAST.

GET OUT.

I EXPECT YOU WONDER

WHY I ASKED YOU TO COME AND HAVE TEA WITH ME.

WELL, A GIRL DOES HAVE AN INKLING, YOU KNOW.

A WHAT?

AN INKLING.

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S WHAT A GIRL HAS

WHEN THERE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL IN THE AIR.

YOU MEAN LIKE HAY FEVER, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

- SHALL I POUR? - YES, PLEASE DO.

I EXPECT YOU THINK I'M AN OLD FOOL

GETTING MARRIED AGAIN AT MY TIME OF LIFE?

ON THE CONTRARY, MR. GRACE,

YOU'RE VERY YOUNG IN SPIRIT

AND YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE YOU OUT OF YOURSELF.

YOU NEVER GO ON HOLIDAY, DO YOU?

THAT'S TRUE.

OF COURSE I DO REALIZE THAT IT'S VERY DIFFICULT

FOR A MAN IN YOUR POSITION.

SUPPOSING YOU WERE TO TAKE YOUR YACHT INTO THE CARRIBEANO?

YOU'D HAVE ALL THOSE YOUNG GIRLS ALL OVER YOU,

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE RICH.

WOULD I?

AND THEY'RE ONLY AFTER ONE THING, YOU KNOW?

ARE THEY?

WHEREAS IF YOU'RE MARRIED TO A WIFE WHO'S DEVOTED TO YOU,

YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE AT YOUR SIDE

AND BE PROTECTED FROM ALL THAT...

SOMEONE TO HELP YOU THROUGH YOUR TROUBLES,

HELP YOU THROUGH LIFE'S WEARY PROBLEMS,

CHERISHING EACH OTHER WHEN YOU'RE SICK...

( dryly ) AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING.

I'M VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

YOU'VE HELPED ME MAKE UP MY MIND.

I BROUGHT YOU HERE TO CHOOSE A RING.

OH, MR. GRACE...!

THAT BIG ONE.

IT'S FOR MISS ROBINSON OF THE JEWELRY DEPARTMENT.

I'VE HAD MY EYE ON HER FOR SOME TIME...

ALMOST THREE WEEKS.

- MISS ROBINSON? - BUT NOW YOU'VE SPOKEN TO ME,

YOU PUT ME RIGHT OFF THE IDEA OF MARRIAGE.

THAT WAS THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO, MR. GRACE.

IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU. YOU MUST HELP ME AGAIN SOME TIME.

IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE.

WHEN YOU COME TO MY TIME OF LIFE

YOU NEED THE HELP OF AN OLDER WOMAN.

( coldly ) ANYTIME, FEEL FREE.

YOU HAVEN'T DRANK YOUR TEA.

I DON'T THINK I FANCY IT, NOW.

WELL, TAKE A MUFFIN,

IN CASE YOU FEEL LIKE IT LATER.

YOU'RE TOO KIND.

WELL... IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

I DON'T SUPPOSE THERE IS.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE? - YES, MR. GRACE?

ASK THE NEWSSTAND TO SEND ME

THE YACHTING NEWS, WILL YOU?

MISS BRAHMS, IT'S PAST CLOSING TIME. YOU MAY GO IF YOU WISH.

NONE OF US ARE GOING TILL WE'VE FOUND OUT WHAT'S HAPPENED.

MAYBE HE HAD THE VICAR UPSTAIRS IN HIS OFFICE.

A FRIEND OF MINE DID THAT ONCE, YOU KNOW.

HE HAD A SMALL SECTION OF THE CHOIR HIDDEN BEHIND THE CURTAINS.

IT WAS VERY MOVING.

( elevator bell rings )

- Grainger: HERE SHE IS. - ( applause )

DOESN'T SHE LOOK RADIANT?

TELL US EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED.

WELL, BEFORE I DO, THERE ARE

ONE OR TWO THINGS THAT I'D LIKE TO GET QUITE CLEAR.

MR. GRAINGER...

I TAKE IT THAT YOU NO LONGER OBJECT

TO MY PRESENCE IN THE LADIES' DEPARTMENT ON THIS FLOOR?

ON THE CONTRARY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

THE LADIES' DEPARTMENT WILL ALWAYS BE WELCOME.

AND I TAKE IT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK... THAT YOU WILL NOT IN FUTURE

INSIST UPON THE LADIES' DEPARTMENT DISPLAYING GARMENTS

WHICH THEY CONSIDER TO BE IN BAD TASTE?

ALL GOODS ON DISPLAY

WILL BE ENTIRELY AT THE DISCRETION

OF WHOEVER IS IN CHARGE.

GOOD. WELL, THAT'S SETTLED, THEN.

SO, WHEN'S THE HAPPY DAY?

- TODAY! - TODAY?

I TURNED HIM DOWN.

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY, KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS, TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS, RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪