Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH OF THE FINGERS, SIR.

YOU'LL FIND THEY'LL RIDE UP WITH WEAR.

AND I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND THEY'LL GIVE EVERY SATISFACTION.

DON'T YOU AGREE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

YES, MR. GRAINGER. IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO DISTINGUISH

THAT PLASTIC IMITATION LEATHERETTE

FROM THE REAL IMITATION LEATHERETTE.

AND YOU'LL FIND THAT THE LINING

WILL KEEP THE HANDS WONDERFULLY WARM.

- WON'T IT, MR. HUMPHRIES? - WARM AS TOAST.

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MADE OF REAL IMITATION,

SIMULATED NYLON FUR FABRIC, YOU SEE?

THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

I WORE A PAIR OF THOSE MYSELF LAST SEASON,

AND I HAD QUITE A LOT OF SATISFACTION, DIDN'T I, MR. GRAINGER?

I BELIEVE YOU DID, MR. HUMPHRIES.

DURING THE FREEZE-UP LAST WINTER,

WHEN I COULDN'T FILL MY HOT WATER BOTTLE,

I WORE A PAIR OF THOSE ON MY FEET,

AND I GOT QUITE A LOT OF SATISFACTION TOO, DIDN'T I?

WHAT YOU SAY HAS A DISTINCT RING OF TRUTH ABOUT IT,

DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU'VE ONLY BEEN WITH US TWO MONTHS.

THEY'RE FOR THE WIFE'S BROTHER. I DON'T LIKE HIM VERY MUCH.

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU COULDN'T HAVE MADE A BETTER CHOICE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, THAT MAN'S BEEN HANGING AROUND

OUR UNDERWEAR COUNTER FOR THE PAST 10 MINUTES.

OH, DEAR. DO YOU THINK HE'S ONE OF THOSE?

- ONE OF WHAT? - A BON VOYEUR.

THEY'RE THE PEOPLE WHO LOOK, BUT DON'T TOUCH.

I'VE NEVER BEEN OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE.

- ARE YOU BEING SERVED, SIR? - NO.

DO YOU HAVE A MALE ASSISTANT ON THIS COUNTER?

NO, SIR. THIS IS LADIES' UNDERWEAR.

- I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE A MAN TO HELP. - NO, SIR.

THERE ISN'T MUCH DEMAND FOR THAT SORT OF THING AT GRACE BROTHERS.

AH. WELL... I WANT TO PURCHASE A BRA.

WHAT SIZE DO YOU TAKE?

THAT'LL DO, MISS BRAHMS.

NO, NO, IT'S FOR MY FIANCEE. SHE'S A YOUNG GIRL.

CONGRATULATIONS.

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT SIZE THE YOUNG LADY TAKES?

WELL...

MISS BRAHMS, GO AND POLISH SOMETHING.

I MANAGED TO KNOCK THIS OFF WHEN SHE WASN'T LOOKING.

OH, HOW CLEVER OF YOU.

SHE'S A HEALTHY GIRL, ISN'T SHE?

MISS BRAHMS, GET OUT THE 44s.

THE KILIMANJARO RANGE.

YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

MR. LUCAS?

DID YOU BECKON ME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

BY STANDING UP THERE NEAR THE LIFT,

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR TERRITORY.

YOUR PLACE IS AT THE OTHER END OF THE COUNTER

TO ALLOW MR. GRAINGER AND MR. HUMPHRIES

FIRST CHOICE OF THE CUSTOMERS.

THAT'S ALL WELL, BUT I HAVEN'T HAD A CUSTOMER ALL DAY.

MR. GRAINGER?

SOMETHING WRONG, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

MR. LUCAS WAS BEMOANING THE FACT

THAT HE HADN'T HAD A CHANCE OF SERVING A CUSTOMER ALL DAY.

I WASN'T COMPLAINING, MR. GRAINGER.

MIND YOU, IF I'M NOT ALLOWED TO EARN ANY COMMISSION,

I CAN PROBABLY LIVE ANOTHER TWO OR THREE DAYS BEFORE I STARVE TO DEATH.

WELL, PERHAPS, WE HAVE BEEN

A LITTLE HARD ON HIM, YOU KNOW.

I'M SURE THAT MY COLLEAGUE AND I

COULD HOLD BACK A LITTLE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

YES, I'M FREE, MR. GRAINGER.

THE NEXT CUSTOMER WILL BE MR. LUCAS'.

UNDERSTOOD, MR. GRAINGER.

- THANK YOU, MR. GRAINGER. - THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

THANK YOU AGAIN, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

ISN'T IT TIME FOR YOUR TEA BREAK, MR. LUCAS?

I'VE GIVEN IT UP.

IN THAT CASE, YOUR CUSTOMER IS APPROACHING.

CARRY ON, MR. LUCAS.

JUST MY LUCK.

GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR. CAN I HELP YOU?

( Scottish brogue ) AYE, WELL, I HOPE SO.

DO YOU HAVE ANY GOOD, STOUT,

LONG-LASTING, HARD-WEARING TWEED?

YES, WELL, LET ME THINK.

DO WE HAVE ANY GOOD, STOUT, LONG-LASTING,

HARD-WEARING TWEED?

SOMETHING IN THE JACKET LINE, PERHAPS, SIR?

NO, SOMETHING IN THE TREWS LINE.

- TROOS? - TREWS, MAN.

- BREEKS. - HARRIS TWEED BRIEFS?

BREEKS! THAT'S TROUSERS, MR. LUCAS.

YES, OF COURSE. YES, YES, TROUSERS!

YES, TROUSERS.

- WHAT WAIST ARE YOU, SIR? - 36.

BUT 40 WOULD BE MORE COMFORTABLE.

36, BUT 40... AND YOUR INSIDE LEG?

MEASURE IT.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON? - MEASURE IT.

I'VE ALWAYS WORN THE KILT. NEVER WORN BREEKS IN MY LIFE.

JUST A MINUTE.

CAN I BORROW YOUR TAPE MEASURE?

I'VE GOT TO TAKE THAT GENTLEMAN'S INSIDE LEG.

I'D PREFER THAT YOU BORROWED MR. HUMPHRIES'.

MR. HUMPHRIES, DO ME A FAVOR. TAKE THAT MAN'S INSIDE LEG.

DON'T ASK ME. I'VE GIVEN IT UP FOR LENT.

ANYWAY, HE'S YOUR CUSTOMER.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEN. LEND ME YOUR TAPE MEASURE.

HERE, BUT DON'T LOSE IT ANYWHERE.

HANG ON A MINUTE.

( breathes )

- WHAT'S GOING ON? - I'M WARMING THE END OF IT.

WHICH SIDE DO YOU WEAR YOUR SPORRAN?

ON THE LEFT OR ON THE RIGHT?

GET ON WITH IT, MAN!

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING WITH THAT THING?

I'M JUST MEASURING YOUR INSIDE LEG.

AWAY, YOU IGNORANT SASSENACH!

IN SCOTLAND, WE ALWAYS MEASURE THE INSIDE LEG FROM THE OUTSIDE!

- RIGHT, SIR. - JUST ABOUT THERE.

I MAKE THAT 32, INCLUDING THE SPORRAN.

DO YOU THINK IT SUITS ME?

OH, YES, IT DOES, MADAM,

THOSE ARTIFICIAL CHERRIES ARE VERY YOUTH-MAKING.

- DON'T YOU THINK SO? - OH, YES.

- TAKES YEARS OFF HER. - THANK YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

AND THAT GREEN GOES SO WELL WITH MADAM'S EYES.

- I'VE GOT BROWN EYES. - THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

THE SORT OF BROWN THAT GOES SO WELL WITH GREEN.

GIVES YOU A SORT OF FILM STAR LOOK.

- MARLENE DIETRICH. - BUT SHE'S IN HER 70s.

WELL, SHE WASN'T WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT 40.

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WEAR THE BRIM UP OR DOWN?

DOWN.

HAVE YOU GOT ONE CUT A BIT LOWER?

( gasps )

WOULD YOU MIND REMAINING IN THE FITTING ROOM, MADAM?

WE SHARE OUR ACCOMMODATION WITH GENTS' READYMADES,

AND THEY'VE GOT EYES LIKE HAWKS.

I CAN'T WAIT IN THERE HOURS FOR YOU TO COME AND SERVE ME.

- ANY TROUBLE? - I THOUGHT YOU'D BE OVER.

I'M JUST ASKING YOUR SALESGIRL

IF SHE'S GOT ONE CUT A BIT LOWER.

HOW MUCH LOWER DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

I'LL DEAL WITH IT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MISS BRAHMS, GET OUT A 38C PLATFORM

- WITH HEAVY-DUTY STRAPS. - YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WILL YOU TAKE THE HAT, MADAM?

NO.

NO, I THINK I'LL TRY ON A PAIR OF SHOES INSTEAD.

I SEE.

- CAPTAIN PEACOCK? - YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

WOULD YOU DIRECT MADAM TO THE SHOE DEPARTMENT?

CERTAINLY. WILL YOU COME THIS WAY?

I'M SORRY WE COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING TO GO WITH YOUR FACE,

BUT NO DOUBT YOU'LL TRY US AGAIN.

AWKWARD COW.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, THEY'VE COME OUT.

I BEG YOUR PARDON, MR. MASH. WHAT HAVE COME OUT?

THE TRANSPORT... TRAINS, BUSES, THE LOT. LOOK...

"THEY'RE OUT. TRAFFIC CHAOS."

- UP THE WORKERS! - MR. RUMBOLD SAYS

THERE'LL BE A MEETING IN HIS OFFICE

AT 5:30 TODAY RE: THE TRANSPORT STRIKE.

JUST US HEADS OF DEPARTMENTS, OR THE STAFF AS WELL?

EVERYBODY.

- DOES THAT INCLUDE ME? - NO.

ISN'T IT MARVELOUS? I'M NOT EVEN EVERYBODY.

I'M NOBODY!

TRUE.

WELL, YOU'VE ALL SEEN THE NEWS.

I'M AFRAID THE TRANSPORT SITUATION IS VERY GRAVE,

BUT I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT GRACE BROTHERS

IS GOING TO RISE TO THE OCCASION.

ARE WE GOING TO MAN THE BUSES?

MRS. SLOCOMBE'LL MAKE A MARVELOUS CLIPPIE.

SHE'S GOT PLENTY OF ROOM ON TOP.

DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM, MISS BRAHMS.

NOW, WHICH OF US HAS CARS?

OH, DRAT IT. I LET THE CHAUFFEUR HAVE MINE.

I HAD AN OLD BANGER BEFORE THE WAR.

ONLY MRS. GRAINGER MADE HIM GIVE HER UP.

MR. LUCAS...!

MINE'S OFF THE ROAD, BEING PREPARED

FOR MY CONTINENTAL TOURING HOLIDAY.

GOING TO THE ISLE OF WIGHT AGAIN?

NOW, IS ANY OF US WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE?

WELL, I COULD BE HOME BY THE MORNING IF I SET OFF NOW.

IT'S AS I THOUGHT. WE ARE IN A SENSE STRANDED HERE,

BUT, FORTUNATELY, MR. GRACE HAS KINDLY

GIVEN HIS PERMISSION FOR THE EMPLOYEES

TO SPEND THE NIGHT INSIDE THE STORE.

- WHERE ARE WE GOING TO SLEEP? - ON THE FLOOR.

- I'M NOT SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR! - ON THE DEPARTMENT FLOOR

ON WHATEVER BEDDING OR OTHER DEVICES THAT WE CAN IMPROVISE.

CAN MISS BRAHMS AND I BAG THE WATERBED ON THE FOURTH FLOOR?

ONLY IF YOU SLEEP INSIDE IT.

NO, WE'RE ALL STAYING ON OUR OWN FLOORS.

- IT'S BEEN AGREED. - BUT WHAT ABOUT PRIVACY?

WE CAN'T ALL JUST KIP DOWN LIKE SODOM AND GOMORRAH!

OR SWAN AND EDGAR.

I THINK MRS. SLOCOMBE HAS RAISED A VERY VALID POINT.

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOME SEPARATION BETWEEN THE SEXES.

AND ALSO WITHIN THE SEXES.

PERHAPS THE LADIES COULD SLEEP IN THE FITTING ROOM.

MISS BRAHMS AND I ARE NOT SLEEPING IN THAT POKY HOLE WITH NO AIR.

YOU KIP DOWN WITH THE REST OF US,

I'LL GET YOU A COUPLE OF CHASTITY BELTS

OUT OF THE NOVELTY DEPARTMENT.

JUST BECAUSE IT'S AFTER 5:00,

DOESN'T GIVE YOU CARTE BLANCHE TO BE COARSE, MR. LUCAS.

NOW, WHAT WE HAVE TO DO IS TO IMPROVISE.

NOW, LET'S ALL THINK VERY CAREFULLY.

- CAMPING. - I BEG YOUR PARDON, MR. RUMBOLD?

CAMPING! WERE YOU NEVER IN THE SCOUTS?

NOT OFFICIALLY, NO.

TENTS! WE'LL HAVE TENTS!

IF WE'RE GOING TO SLEEP IN TENTS,

I WANT ONE WITH A STOUT BOLT.

I FEEL SURE I CAN SPEAK FOR ALL THE MEN HERE

WHEN I TELL YOU THAT WE WILL NOT, AS YOU SEEM TO SUPPOSE,

BEHAVE LIKE MAD DOGS AS SOON AS THE LIGHTS ARE OUT.

( softly ) HEAR, HEAR.

WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER,

AND IT IS UP TO US TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIX UP.

CAMPING EQUIPMENT, PLEASE.

IT WON'T GO, YOU SEE. I CAN'T GET IT IN.

- DO IT FROM INSIDE. - YES.

GET INSIDE.

GET THE SPIGOT INTO THE SOCKET.

I'M SORRY!

I'M SORRY!

I CAN SEE THAT YOU WERE NEVER IN THE ARMY.

I DON'T SEE WHY I COULDN'T HAVE SPENT THE NIGHT

IN THE TOY DEPARTMENT IN PETER PAN'S HOUSE

WITH WENDY AND THE CROCODILE.

ARE YOU REFERRING TO WENDY FROM THE GRAMOPHONE DEPARTMENT?

DO YOU FANCY HER AS WELL?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?

- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE. - COULD I HAVE YOUR ASSISTANCE FOR A MOMENT?

CERTAINLY.

THERE'S NO CURTAIN AT MY WINDOW.

I SHOULDN'T WORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I MEAN, YOU'LL BE SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR,

AND ONLY A VERY TALL PERSON COULD SEE ANYTHING,

AND EVEN THEN HE'D HAVE TO STAND ON TIPTOE.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING.

BUT APART FROM THAT, ONE USUALLY FINDS

THAT CONDENSATION STEAMS UP THE WINDOWS.

I CAN ASSURE YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

THAT SLEEPING ON AN AIR BED UNDER AN ARMY BLANKET,

I'M NOT LIKELY TO GET UP MUCH STEAM.

OH, YES, YES, AND THERE'S ANOTHER THING.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THE ZIP UP FROM INSIDE?

WELL, PERHAPS THE BEST THING,

WOULD BE TO GET SOMEONE ELSE TO ZIP YOU UP AFTER YOU'RE IN.

YES, BUT WHAT IF, FOR SOME REASON OR OTHER,

I WANTED TO LEAVE IN A HURRY IN THE NIGHT?

IF YOU THINK THAT SORT OF EMERGENCY MIGHT OCCUR,

IT MIGHT BE WISER TO LEAVE YOUR ZIP OPEN.

OH, IT ALL SEEMS VERY PRIMITIVE.

YES.

( banging )

PAJAMAS! LOVELY RIPE PAJAMAS!

GET YOUR PAJAMAS OFF ME! HERE YOU ARE.

FRESH PAJAMAS. FRESH FROM THE SALES DISCOUNT DEPARTMENT.

THERE YOU ARE, MISSUS.

ROOM FOR YOU AND A FRIEND.

WHAT AWFUL COMMON THINGS.

OH, WELL, I SUPPOSE THEY'RE BETTER THAN NOTHING.

I THINK I'D PREFER YOU IN NOTHING.

MISS BRAHMS, OUR SLEEPWEAR HAS ARRIVED.

- WHAT SIZE ARE YOU? - NOT FOR ME, THANKS.

I NEVER WEAR ANYTHING IN BED.

I DON'T LIKE ROUGH THINGS NEXT TO MY SKIN.

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU AIN'T GOT ME IN THERE WITH YOU.

YOU WILL WEAR PAJAMAS TONIGHT.

SUPPOSE THERE WAS A FIRE AND YOU HAD NO CLOTHES ON?

I'D BE FIRST TO BE RESCUED.

- GET THEM ON. - I CAN'T WEAR THESE!

THEY'RE MEN'S! THERE'S A FLAP AT THE FRONT.

FIND A SAFETY PIN AND WEAR THEM THE WRONG WAY ROUND.

- WHO'S IN HERE THEN? - I AM, AND MIND WHERE YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR HAND.

- WANT SOME 'JAMAS? - NO, THANK YOU.

I'VE MADE MY OWN ARRANGEMENTS.

FROM A FRIEND IN THE GENTLEMAN'S BOUTIQUE.

BLIMEY. ANNA MAY WONG RIDES AGAIN, EH?

ARE YOU IN THERE, MR. GRAINGER, SIR?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MR. GRAINGER?

I'M TRYING TO GET MY TROUSERS OFF.

IT ISN'T EASY, YOU KNOW.

WOULD YOU LIKE A PAIR OF BANANAS?

WHY, THANK YOU.

YES, I...

I THINK PERHAPS IT WOULD BE MORE DIGNIFIED

IF I CHANGE IN THE GENTLEMEN'S CLOAKROOM.

THE THINGS YOU SEE WHEN YOU HAVEN'T GOT YOUR GUN.

MR. GRAINGER! YOU'VE LEFT YOUR FLAP OPEN.

ON YOUR TENT!

I DON'T THINK THAT WAS VERY FUNNY, MR. LUCAS.

HERE YOU ARE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

TOP QUALITY PASSION-KILLERS.

HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANYTHING OTHER THAN STRIPES?

WHAT DO YOU WANT THEN... PIPS?

I THINK THAT HAVING REGARD FOR MY POSITION,

I SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME LOOK

A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM THE REST.

WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE THE TROUSERS OFF?

SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'LL SEE IF I CAN FIND YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

BLIMEY, I'D BE QUICKER TO PINCH ONE OF MRS. SLOCOMBE'S BRAS

AND SLING IT UP AS A HAMMOCK.

IT'S THE LAST PAIR, MR. LUCAS.

OH, TA. GREAT.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?!

HOW DID THEY GET IN THERE?

- THEY MUST HAVE COME FROM THE WINDOW DISPLAY. - THE WINDOW DISPLAY?

HOW MANY ONE-LEGGED MEN GO WINDOW-SHOPPING?

NO, IT'S THE BED ADVERT, YOU SEE?

THE HE-DUMMY WAS GETTING OUT OF ONE SIDE OF THE BED,

THE SHE-DUMMY WAS GETTING OUT OF THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BED,

AND THEY USED ONE PAIR OF PAJAMAS FOR TWO, SEE?

BUT I CAN'T WEAR THESE IN MIXED COMPANY.

ALL YOU DO IS YOU PUT BOTH LEGS DOWN THERE,

AND YOU... HOP INTO BED.

( screaming )

'ERE!

- WHAT'S YOUR GAME? - I'M SORRY, MISS BRAHMS.

I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THIS IS WHERE I WAS TO BE SLEEPING.

NOT ON YOUR NELLY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE BIG TENT WITH MRS.SLOCOMBE.

THEN TAKE IT UP WITH HER. AND YOU'D BETTER KNOCK!

BY THE WAY, YOUR PAJAMAS

SHOULD BE ON THE OTHER WAY ROUND.

LOOK, YOU DO YOUR THING YOUR WAY,

AND I'LL DO MY THING MY WAY.

AHEM... ( sputtering within )

MRS. SLOCOMBE?

( sputtering )

ARE YOU FREE, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

JUST A MINUTE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I CAN COME BACK LATER.

( sputtering )

OR NOT AT ALL.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'VE GOT THE STOPPER IN. - WELL, I'M RELIEVED.

I WAS BLOWING UP MY AIR BED,

AND IT TAKES PUFF AFTER PUFF AFTER PUFF.

CAN I HELP ANYBODY?

NO, THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES. I'VE MANAGED.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHAT IS MISS BRAHMS DOING IN THAT TENT?

KNOWING YOU, I'M SURPRISED YOU HAVEN'T LOOKED.

HE HAS, AND I WAS PUTTING ON ME PAJAMAS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

THE POINT IS, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

THAT THIS LARGE TENT IS FOR YOURSELF AND MISS BRAHMS.

THERE'S GOING TO BE NO ONE IN MY BOUDOIR WHEN I BLOW OUT THE CANDLE.

I HAVE NO OTHER ACCOMMODATION.

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO BIVOUAC?

I DON'T CARE, WHACK IT. IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

HERE. GO BACK. KEEP GOING.

WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT, MR. MASH?

THIS IS A BED, CAPTAIN PEACOCK. MR. RUMBOLD ORDERED IT, SIR.

HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL OF HIM.

NOT THERE, MR. MASH.

IT WOULDN'T GO THROUGH YOUR OFFICE DOOR.

I CAN'T SLEEP OUT HERE WITH THE STAFF!

( loudly ) YOU CAN'T SLEEP OUT HERE WITH THE STAFF?!

OF COURSE I CAN SLEEP OUT HERE WITH THE STAFF, MASH!

DON'T BE SILLY! HOW DOES THIS WORK?

YOU PULL THIS DOWN, SEE, SIR?

UNDO THE BOLT LIKE THAT, SEE?

BRING IT DOWN. OH, EXCUSE ME, SIR.

GET THE LITTLE LEGS DOWN THERE, SEE?

PULL THIS RIGHT HERE. LOOK, NICE LITTLE BED.

IT SHOULD BE SCREWED TO THE BEDROOM WALL.

WHEN YOUR BIRD'S FATHER KNOCKS ON THE DOOR,

YOU PRESS THE BUTTON AND SHE GOES UP THE WALL INSTEAD OF HIM, SEE?

THAT'LL DO, MR. MASH.

INGENIOUS DEVICE, IS IT NOT?

- YES, MOST INGENIOUS. - QUITE ROOMY.

YES, WELL, IT IS SOLD AS A SMALL DOUBLE.

IT MIGHT HELP TO SOLVE A SLIGHT PROBLEM WE HAVE.

- WHAT PROBLEM? - MISS BRAHMS REFUSES TO LEAVE MY TENT.

HAVE YOU TRIED PERSUADING HER?

YES. SHE WAS QUITE ADAMANT.

YOU WERE QUITE RIGHT TO TELL ME, OF COURSE.

WHAT YOU DO AFTER HOURS IN NORMAL TIMES

IS YOUR OWN AFFAIR, BUT YOU CAN HARDLY

GO THROUGH WITH THIS UNDER OUR VERY NOSES, SO TO SPEAK.

I THINK YOU MAY HAVE WHAT MIGHT BE TERMED

- "THE WRONG END OF THE STICK." - HAVE I?

YES, SIR. I HAD ARRANGED FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE

TO HAVE THAT LARGE TENT BECAUSE I WAS QUITE SURE

THAT SHE WOULD BE WILLING TO SHARE.

TO MY SURPRISE, SHE WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT.

DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE HAS HEARD ABOUT YOU AND MISS BRAHMS?

I WAS TRYING TO GET MISS BRAHMS

AND MRS. SLOCOMBE TOGETHER IN THE SAME TENT.

WHAT, ALL THREE OF YOU?!

NO, SIR.

I DON'T WANT TO SHARE WITH THE LADIES.

- AH, GOOD. - I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU.

All: ♪ KEEP THE HOME FIRES BURNING ♪

♪ THOUGH YOUR HEARTS ARE YEARNING ♪

♪ THOUGH THE LIGHTS ARE FAR AWAY ♪

♪ THEY DREAM OF HOME ♪

♪ THERE'S A SILVER LINING ♪

♪ THROUGH THE DARK CLOUDS SHINING ♪

( solo ) ♪ TURN THE DARK CLOUDS INSIDE OUT ♪

( solo ) ♪ TILL THE BOYS COME HOME. ♪

THAT WAS WONDERFUL, MR. RUMBOLD.

DIDN'T YOU THINK SO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

YES. IT BROUGHT BACK MEMORIES OF THE ARMY,

THE LADS, THE HEAT, THE SUNSET,

AND THE ENDLESS SHIFTING SANDS.

HOW LONG WERE YOU AT BOGNOR REGIS?

MR. LUCAS, WHEN YOU WERE AT SCHOOL,

I WAS WITH SOME OF THE TOUGHEST SOLDIERS IN THE WORLD,

CHASING ROMMEL THROUGH THE DESERT.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE ALL THE LUCK.

Mr. Rumbold: YES, LUCAS.

SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO FORGET THAT MEN

LIKE CAPTAIN PEACOCK AND MYSELF

WERE INSTRUMENTAL IN MAKING THIS A COUNTRY

FIT FOR HEROES TO LIVE IN.

WHAT WERE YOU IN THEN, MR. RUMBOLD?

- THE CATERING CORPS. - THE NAAFI?!

NOT THE NAAFI, MR. LUCAS.

THE CATERING CORPS WAS A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF THE SERVICE.

THE ARMY MARCHED ON ITS STOMACH, REMEMBER.

I SUPPOSE THEY COULDN'T WALK UPRIGHT FOR THE INDIGESTION.

UNFORTUNATELY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

THESE YOUNGSTERS SEEM TO FORGET WHAT WE WENT THROUGH.

WERE YOU IN THE NAAFI, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

NO. OF COURSE, I WAS A MERE SLIP OF A GIRL,

BUT I WAS IN AIR RAID PRECAUTIONS.

IN FACT, THAT'S HOW I MET MY HUSBAND,

DURING AN AIR RAID. THE BOMBS WERE RAINING DOWN.

AND I SAW HIS FACE LIT BY AN INCENDIARY.

HE THREW ME ON MY FACE AND SAID,

"LOOK OUT, HERE COMES A BIG ONE!"

I SUPPOSE THERE WASN'T MUCH TIME

FOR CHATTING IN THOSE DAYS.

AND WHEN IT HAD GONE OFF,

WE HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SHELTER,

AND IT WAS THEN I KNEW THAT IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

THE FIRST BOMB SITE YOU COME TO.

OOH, YOU HAVE GOT A NASTY MIND.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN ALL THIS WAS HAPPENING?

WELL, I WAS IN ENSAH, ENTERTAINING THE TROOPS.

WHAT DOES ENSAH STAND FOR?

"EVERY NIGHT SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENS."

YOU DID A GRAND JOB, YOU ENSAH CHAPS.

OH, THANK YOU.

I USED TO DO IMPERSONATIONS, YOU KNOW?

I CALLED MYSELF "WHIMSICAL WILLIE."

I DID IMPERSONATIONS OF HITLER

AND GORING AND GOEBBELS

AND VON RIBBENTROP AND "LORD HAW-HAW."

WHOSE SIDE WERE YOU ON?

WELL, I USED TO DO MR. CHURCHILL AS WELL.

DO YOUR "LORD HAW-HAW" FOR US.

HE WAS THE ONE WHO USED TO BROADCAST PROPAGANDA TO ENGLAND.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN. IT WAS SO MANY YEARS AGO.

THE LAST TIME I DID IT WAS IN A CONCERT IN TOBRUK.

( mimicking Lord Haw-Haw ) "GERMANY CALLING.

GERMANY CALLING.

YOU ENGLISH HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING THE WAR.

THE GERMAN ARMY IS INVINCIBLE."

OH, LIFELIKE.

IT SENT SHIVERS UP YOUR SPINE.

AND THEN I USED TO DO MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL.

( imitating Churchill ) "WE WILL FIGHT ON THE BEACHES.

WE WILL FIGHT ON THE LANDING GROUNDS.

WE WILL FIGHT IN THE STREETS AND IN THE VILLAGES,

BUT WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER.

GIVE US THE TOOLS,

AND WE WILL FINISH THE JOB."

AND THEN I USED TO RAISE MY HAT.

I THINK YOU WERE VERY BRAVE, MR. GRAINGER.

WITH AN ACT LIKE THAT, HE HAD TO BE.

OF COURSE, I WASN'T AROUND WHEN ALL THIS WAS GOING ON.

- WHERE WERE YOU, THEN? - I WASN'T BORN.

BUT IT WAS THE WAR THAT BROUGHT MY MOTHER AND FATHER TOGETHER.

WE'VE STILL GOT PICTURES OF HIM

WITH HIS BLACK FACE RUNNING UP THE BEACH.

WHAT WAS HE, THE FIRST ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT?

HE WAS A COMMANDO.

- THE TOUGHEST. - ABSOLUTELY RUTHLESS.

MY MOM FOUND HIM IN HER BICYCLE SHED.

HE WAS ON A TRAINING EXERCISE IN IPSWICH.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" SHE SAYS.

"LOOKING FOR THE JERRY," HE SAID.

SO SHE TOOK HIM INDOORS AND SHOWED UP UPSTAIRS,

AND, WELL, THEY JUST SORT OF CLICKED.

ISN'T THAT ROMANTIC?

YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY I MISSED ALL THAT, REALLY.

STILL, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

EVEN IN SPITE OF MY PIERCED EARDRUMS AND FLAT FEET,

WHATEVER HAPPENS, I'LL BE THERE AT THE FRONT THE NEXT TIME.

DRESSED AS A WOMAN WITH A TICKET FOR SWEDEN, NO DOUBT.

WELL, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR LIGHTS OUT.

IT'S BEEN A MOST ENJOYABLE EVENING,

JUST LIKE THE OLD BOY SCOUT JAMBOREES.

YES, IT'S ONLY HALF PAST 10:00.

SHALL I PUT THE CAMPFIRE OUT, MR. RUMBOLD?

OH, YES, WE DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY RISKS.

HELLO, CHURCHILL'S HAVING ONE OF HIS CATNAPS AGAIN.

SOMEBODY BETTER WAKE HIM UP. IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED.

- Peacock: MR. HUMPHRIES...? - ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER?

YES, I'M FREE.

All: GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, SHIRLEY, FANCY A GAME OF PING-PONG IN THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT?

- NO, THANK YOU. - HOW ABOUT SARDINES IN SOFT FURNISHINGS?

GET IN YOUR TENT AND ZIP YOURSELF UP.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO TO THE LIBRARY

AND GET YOU A COPY OF "THE SENSUOUS WOMAN"?

TWO COPIES?

HAS ANYBODY SET THE ALARM FOR TOMORROW MORNING?

I'VE SET THE BURGLAR ALARM FOR TONIGHT.

I HOPE YOU CATCH ONE.

- AFTER YOU, SIR. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M GONNA KEEP MY SOCKS ON, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

NOT AT ALL, SIR.

( imitating bugle playing Last Post )

THAT'S ENOUGH, MR. LUCAS.

GOOD NIGHT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

ARE YOU STANDING ON TIPTOE?

- NO, MRS. SLOCOMBE. - OH.

( sputtering )

OH, DRAT IT! THERE GOES ME STOPPER.

FIRE! FIRE!

FIRE!

WELL, THAT'S DAMPENED IT DOWN A BIT.

- GOOD NIGHT, MR. HUMPHRIES. - GOOD NIGHT, MR. LUCAS.

I WON'T COME OUT. I'VE JUST PUT CREAM ON MY FACE.

AH... JUST THINK...

THOSE TEETH ONCE DID WINSTON CHURCHILL.

- GOOD NIGHT, MR. GRAINGER. - ( muffled voice )

DON'T BOTHER.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO READ, ARE YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

NO, SIR.

CAN YOU GET RID OF THAT THING?

- WHAT THING? - THE LIGHT.

OH, YES, SIR.

THERE'S NOTHING ON MY SIDE.

OH, DAMN. IT MUST BE ON MINE.

- MR. LUCAS, YOU'RE NOT IN BED YET. - I'M JUST GOING, SIR.

Mr. Rumbold: TURN THIS LIGHT OUT FOR US, WILL YOU?

CERTAINLY, SIR.

NOT THE LEVER.

OH, I'M SORRY!

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS, TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHINGS RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪