Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, ♪

♪ UNDERWEAR AND SHOES GOING UP... ♪

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

8:58.

AS DEPARTMENTAL HEAD OF LADIES' READYMADES,

I HARDLY THINK IT NECESSARY FOR ME TO CLOCK IN LIKE A CHAR.

( sighs ) I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO DO ANYTHING

THAT I HAVE NOT DONE MYSELF, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

"CAPTAIN PEACOCK, 8:31."

( sighs )

Peacock: WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MISS BRAHMS?

SHE ISN'T LATE, SHE'S POWDERING HER NOSE.

SHE OUGHT TO SIGN IN FIRST.

IT WAS VERY URGENT THAT SHE POWDERED IT WHEN SHE DID.

AND I GAVE HER PERMISSION SO TO DO.

GOOD MORNING, DAPHNE.

Daphne: MORNING.

MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

8:59 AND 10...

10 SECONDS, YES. I WOULD'VE BEEN HERE AT 8:58,

BUT I CAUGHT MY HANDBAG IN THE LIFT.

HANDBAG?

IT'S MISS BRAHMS', ACTUALLY.

SHE LEFT IT ON THE STAIRS.

SHE MUST HAVE BEEN IN RATHER A HURRY.

BESIDES, I WOULDN'T BE SEEN DEAD WITH IMITATION CROCODILE...

NOT WITH THESE SHOES, ANYWAY.

- GOOD MORNING, MR. GRAINGER. - GOOD MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.

MY WORD, WE HAVE GOT NICE ROSY CHEEKS THIS MORNING.

YES, I WALKED THROUGH THE PARK

IN ORDER TO GIVE MY TOAST CRUSTS TO THE DUCKS.

MY WIFE DOESN'T LIKE ME TO LEAVE THEM, BUT...

THESE NEW TEETH OF MINE...

THEY'RE A LITTLE TOO MUCH FOR THEM.

EVEN THE DUCKS HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THEY GO SOGGY.

THEY'LL PROBABLY BE ALL RIGHT WHEN YOU'VE RUN THEM IN A BIT.

THAT WAS A NEAR THING. HAH!

NOT QUITE NEAR ENOUGH, MR. LUCAS.

IT IS ONE MINUTE PAST 9:00.

OH, DEAR, HAVE ALL THE CUSTOMERS GONE?

THAT IS NOT THE POINT, MR. LUCAS.

YOU ARE EXPECTED HERE AT 9:00, NOT ONE MINUTE AFTER.

AH, WELL, CAPTAIN, I WAS HERE. I WAS OUTSIDE

AT FIVE MINUTES TO 9:00. JUST AS I WAS COMING IN,

A MAN WAS CROSSING THE ROAD, AND GOT KNOCKED DOWN.

A TALL, MILITARY LOOKING MAN, HE WAS.

"OH, DEARY ME," I THOUGHT. "IT'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

HE WAS EARLY LIKE ME, AND GOT KNOCKED DOWN CROSSING THE ROAD."

MY HEART WAS IN MY MOUTH, SIR.

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "NOT CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

NOT STRUCK DOWN AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS CAREER."

"STAND BACK," I SAID. "I'LL GIVE MY BLOOD FOR CAPTAIN PEACOCK."

ANYWAY, BY THE TIME I FOUGHT MY WAY THROUGH THE CROWD,

FOUND OUT IT WASN'T YOU BUT SOME DIRTY OLD TRAMP,

AND THEN GOT BACK HERE, IT WAS ONE MINUTE AFTER.

- OOH, JUST A MINUTE, SIR. - WHAT IS IT?

A SMALL INSECT HAS CREPT OUT OF YOUR CARNATION

AND CROUCHED ON YOUR COLLAR.

- DEAL WITH IT, LUCAS. - CERTAINLY, SIR.

THERE YOU ARE. IT'S DEAD.

WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?

YES. GET ME A 15 1/2 COLLAR FROM STOCK,

AND THEN PRESENT YOURSELF TO MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE

AT 9:15 WITH YOUR SALES BOOK.

YES, SIR. CERTAINLY, SIR.

SORRY I'M LATE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MISS BRAHMS. - IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR HER?

- SHE HAS BEEN POWDERING HER NOSE. - WHY IS IT SO SHINY THEN?

TO YOUR COUNTER, MR. LUCAS.

SIR. ( heel clicks )

- TAKE YOUR COAT. - ( heel clicks )

DID YOU HAVE A NICE LITTLE CHAT?

HE SAID I'VE GOT TO REPORT TO RUMBOLD AT 9:15 WITH MY SALES BOOK.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IN THE TERMS OF THE ALMIGHTY'S

GRAND PLAN FOR THE UNIVERSE, VERY LITTLE.

BUT AS FAR AS YOU'RE CONCERNED,

IT PROBABLY MEANS YOU'LL BE AT THE LABOR EXCHANGE AT HALF PAST 9:00.

I WAS STRUGGLING WITH THIS

FOR 10 MINUTES YESTERDAY...

AND IN FRONT OF A CUSTOMER, TOO.

MINE'S JUST AS BAD.

IT'S THIS DAMP WEATHER. IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.

I'D BETTER GIVE IT A BIT OF ENCOURAGEMENT.

ARE THEY ALL THERE, DO YOU THINK?

THEY SHOULD BE, MR. RUMBOLD. IT'S NEARLY FIVE PAST 9:00.

RIGHT, I'LL GO AND HAVE A WORD.

IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK THERE?

HE'S JUST ARRIVED, SIR. HE'S JUST PUTTING HIS COLLAR ON.

WHAT?

WE EXPECT YOU TO GET DRESSED

BEFORE YOU ARRIVE AT GRACE BROTHERS, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I DO NOT EXPECT TO FIND YOU UNATTIRED AT FIVE PAST 9:00.

- I CAN EXPLAIN, SIR. - I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY EXCUSES.

I WANT A WORD WITH THE MEMBERS OF YOUR DEPARTMENT.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

MR. GRAINGER, WOULD YOU STEP THIS WAY, PLEASE, IF YOU'RE FREE?

YES, I'M... I'M FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MR. HUMPHRIES, MR. LUCAS?

FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

OH, VERY FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

STEP THIS WAY.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS, ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

MISS BRAHMS?

BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, MR. RUMBOLD.

MISS BRAHMS AND I WOULD LIKE TO COMPLAIN

ABOUT THE STATE OF OUR DRAWERS.

THEY'RE... THEY'RE A POSITIVE DISGRACE.

YOUR WHAT, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

OUR DRAWERS. THEY'RE STICKING.

- IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME IN DAMP WEATHER. - REALLY?

MISS BRAHMS COULD HARDLY SHIFT HERS AT ALL JUST NOW.

NO WONDER SHE WAS LATE.

THEY SENT UP A MAN WHO PUT BEESWAX ON THEM,

BUT THAT MADE THEM WORSE.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

I THINK THEY NEED SANDPAPERING.

WOULD THAT HELP, DO YOU THINK, PEACOCK?

I PUFF FRENCH CHALK ON MINE,

AND THEY'RE AS SMOOTH AS SILK.

PERHAPS YOU COULD PUFF SOME FRENCH CHALK OVER MRS. SLOCOMBE'S.

WOULD THAT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

THEY OUGHT TO BE CHANGED.

I'VE HAD THEM EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE.

PERHAPS WE COULD LOOK INTO IT SOME OTHER TIME, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

MR. RUMBOLD HAS MATTERS

OF A MUCH MORE PRESSING NATURE TO DISCUSS.

THEY'RE VERY PRESSING AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

PERHAPS MR. RUMBOLD WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A GO AND SEE HOW FAR HE GETS.

I THINK WE SHOULD CONSIDER THE MATTER CLOSED

FOR THE MOMENT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

AHEM. I HAVE BEEN DEEPLY DISTRESSED

TO LEARN OF THE SLUMP IN OUR SALES OVER THE PAST FOUR WEEKS,

WHICH I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL OBSERVED?

YES, I HAVE OBSERVED IT. HAVEN'T YOU, MR. GRAINGER?

OOH, A VERY DEFINITE SLUMP I WOULD SAY.

HAD YOU OBSERVED IT, MR. HUMPHRIES?

I'VE OBSERVED IT, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU OBSERVED IT, TOO, DIDN'T YOU, MR. LUCAS?

OH, YES, DEFINITELY.

I HAD OBSERVED IT, MR. HUMPHRIES. OH, YES.

IF YOU REMEMBER RIGHTLY, I MENTIONED IT TO YOU LAST TUESDAY.

YES. AND I MENTIONED IT TO YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT CAUSED ME TO DISCUSS IT WITH YOU, SIR.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT FIRST ALERTED ME TO THE CRISIS

IN THE FIRST PLACE. NOW, THE THING IS...

I DON'T WANT TO PUT TOO FINE A POINT UPON IT... WHY?

AH...

HAVE YOU ANY THEORIES TO ADVANCE, MR. GRAINGER?

AFTER ALL, YOU'VE BEEN WITH US LONGER THAN MOST.

FROM A VERY CONSIDERABLE EXPERIENCE IN THE TRADE...

I WOULD SAY THAT THESE THINGS COME AND GO.

THAT'S VERY TRUE, OF COURSE.

AND VERY PROFOUND.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?

AS DEPARTMENTAL HEAD OF THE LADIES' SECTION,

I THINK I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ASKED NEXT.

OF COURSE, MRS. SLOCOMBE, I'M SORRY.

HAVE YOU ANY SUGGESTIONS?

NO.

THANK YOU.

BUT I DO LIKE TO BE ASKED.

- I THINK IT'S THE WEATHER, DON'T YOU, MR. LUCAS? - YES, THAT'S IT.

YES, IT'S DEFINITELY... IT'S THE WEATHER, YES.

THAT, PLUS THE FACT WE'VE HAD NO CUSTOMERS.

THE POINTS YOU'VE ALL RAISED ARE VERY VALID,

BUT I THINK THE TIME HAS COME FOR ACTION.

- HEAR, HEAR. - THANK YOU. YES.

I THEREFORE THINK IT WOULD PAY US

TO EXAMINE OUR WHOLE CUSTOMER HANDLING TECHNIQUE.

AND, TO THAT END, I SHALL BE HOLDING A COURSE IN SALESMANSHIP...

A CLASS IN SALESMANSHIP... THIS EVENING AFTER THE STORE CLOSES.

YOU MEAN IN OUR OWN TIME?

IT'S VERY SHORT NOTICE. THERE'S MY PUSSY TO CONSIDER.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON? - WHO'S GOING TO LET IT OUT?

IF IT'S NOT CONVENIENT, I SHALL, OF COURSE, UNDERSTAND,

BUT I WOULD REMIND YOU ALL THAT UNLESS SALES IMPROVE,

WE SHALL HAVE TO CUT DOWN ON OUR STAFF.

OH, IT'S CONVENIENT.

I SUPPOSE IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

"TIDDLES" WILL HAVE TO CROSS HIS LEGS.

I PRESUME YOU WILL NOT BE NEEDING ME, SIR.

I HAVE TWO TICKETS FOR THE TIDWORTH TATTOO.

YOUR ATTENDANCE WOULD BE VALUABLE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

IT'S TA-TA TO THE TATTOO.

I THINK THAT'S ALL FOR THE MOMENT.

OH, MR. LUCAS, PERHAPS YOU WOULD COME TO MY OFFICE NOW?

I WANT TO GO OVER YOUR PERSONAL SALES RECORD

FOR THE PAST MONTH.

BRING YOUR BOOK WITH YOU, HMM?

YES, SIR.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT YOUR BOOK FOR.

I WOULD'VE THOUGHT YOU'D REMEMBER YOUR SALES...

- ALL THREE OF THEM. HAH. - OH, CHARMING.

♪ HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO ♪

♪ IT'S OUT OF WORK WE GO.. ♪

HONESTLY, IT'S THE LIMIT.

THEY DON'T CONSIDER YOUR PRIVATE LIFE AT ALL.

- DID YOU HAVE A DATE? - NO, BUT I MIGHT HAVE HAD.

I SUPPOSE I OUGHT TO PHONE MRS. GRAINGER

AND TELL HER TO KEEP THE PIE WARM IN THE OVEN.

YES, TELL HER TO TURN THE REGULO DOWN TO A QUARTER.

IF SHE HARDENS THAT CRUST,

IT'LL PLAY HAVOC WITH YOUR GUMS.

( bell ringing )

RIGHT, POSITIONS, EVERYBODY.

THE MEETING'S OVER. COME ALONG.

( knock on door )

COME IN, MR. LUCAS.

ER...

I BELIEVE YOU WANTED TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH ME, SIR?

- SHUT THE DOOR, PLEASE. - YES, SIR.

NOW, LUCAS, I HAVE HERE YOUR PERSONAL SALES GRAPH.

I PRESUME YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

ARE YOU SURE IT'S THE RIGHT WAY UP, SIR?

I'M AFRAID SO.

I PRESUME YOU UNDERSTAND IT?

IF I WAS A DOCTOR, THE PATIENT WOULD BE DEAD.

THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR LEVITY.

- IT'S NERVES, SIR. - UNDERSTANDABLE.

NONETHELESS, THIS IS A VERY POOR PERFORMANCE.

I ALWAYS THINK THAT THERE IS A REASON

FOR A POOR PERFORMANCE.

A HAPPY SALESMAN IS A GOOD SALESMAN.

YOU DON'T LOOK HAPPY, MR. LUCAS.

I THINK IF YOU COULD SMILE MORE, IT WOULD HELP.

I'M SORRY IF I HAVEN'T BEEN SMILING ENOUGH, MR. RUMBOLD.

BUT THERE MUST BE A REASON. ARE YOU...

I DON'T WISH TO PRY... BUT ARE YOU... UNHAPPY AT HOME?

AH... YES.

THAT COULD VERY WELL BE IT, YES.

NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. SIT DOWN AND TELL ME ABOUT IT.

THANK YOU. YES, SIR.

IT'S MY ENVIRONMENT, YOU SEE, SIR.

I'VE ONLY GOT THIS ONE SHABBY LITTLE ROOM.

- IN HIGHGATE, ISN'T IT? - YES, VERY POOR PART OF HIGHGATE, THOUGH.

EVER SINCE WE TOOK IN THAT ASIAN TO HELP MAKE ENDS MEET, WELL...

THE STRAIN HAS BEEN TOO MUCH FOR MY CRIPPLED MOTHER,

AND... SHE'S HAD TO GIVE UP HER JOB AT THE SKATING RINK.

TAKING... TAKING THE TICKETS.

I HAD NO IDEA.

YES.

WELL... ( sobbing )

WHAT WITH THAT AND THE FACT THAT THE...

THE CAT'S GOT ASTHMA AND HAS BEEN COUGHING ALL NIGHT...

WHAT WITH ALL THAT AND ALSO THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO...

WE HAVE TO COOK ON A BROKEN OLD GAS RING...

THERE ARE DAYS WHEN SOMEHOW LIFE SEEMS TO HAVE LOST ITS MAGIC.

PARTICULARLY SINCE WE HAD AN EVICTION ORDER THIS MORNING.

BUT, AS YOU SUGGEST, MR. RUMBOLD,

I WILL DO MY BEST AND TRY AND SMILE A BIT MORE.

( blows loudly )

THIS REALLY IS A MOST TERRIBLE STORY.

- IS IT? - YES.

I... I FEEL IT SHOULD BE ENTERED INTO YOUR RECORD.

AH, YES.

NOW, LET ME SEE, YOU LIVE IN CRIPPLEGATE...

HIGHGATE.

HIGHGATE.

AND YOUR MOTHER IS AN ASIAN.

NO, NO, WE TOOK IN AN ASIAN.

YOUR MOTHER HAS A COUGH.

NO, NO. THE CAT'S GOT THE COUGH.

AND YOU'RE SUPPORTING THIS ASIAN ON A BROKEN GAS RING.

SHALL I WRITE IT DOWN FOR YOU?

IF THE ELASTIC GOES AGAIN,

WE'LL RETURN THEM TO THE MANUFACTURERS.

GOOD MORNING, MADAM.

GOOD MORNING, MADAM.

- GOOD MORNING. - GOOD MORNING.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I HOPE YOUR CAT WON'T SUFFER UNDULY

FROM ITS ENFORCED CONFINEMENT.

OH, IT'S NOT CONFINED.

IT'S SHUT UP.

AH.

LET'S HOPE THAT YOU WON'T BE TOO LATE.

AND TOO BAD ABOUT YOUR TATTOO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT TATTOOS WERE THINGS YOU DID ON MEN'S CHESTS

WITH NEEDLES AND BLUE INK.

NOT ONLY ON MEN'S CHESTS, MISS BRAHMS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WHAT WILL YOU SAY NEXT?

( chuckles )

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT REMINDS ME

OF A BIT OF DOGGEREL I PICKED UP IN THE MESS.

OH, YES?

"ON THE CHEST OF A BARMAID FROM SALE

WAS TATTOOED ALL THE PRICES OF ALE.

WHILST ON HER BEHIND,

FOR THE SAKE OF THE BLIND,

WAS PRECISELY THE SAME, BUT IN BRAILLE."

WILL THAT BE ALL, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

I DO HOPE YOUR HUSBAND LIKES THE SWEATER, MADAM.

THE WASHING INSTRUCTIONS ARE VERY SIMPLE...

USE LUKEWARM WATER. NO SOAP, NO DETERGENT,

AND DON'T PUT IT IN THE WASHING MACHINE.

AND DON'T DRY IT IN THE SUN OR IN FRONT OF AN OPEN FIRE.

OH, AND, MADAM, IF I WERE YOU,

HALF REVS ON THE SPIN DRYER.

OOH, YOU'RE BACK QUICK.

I WAS GOING TO START A COLLECTION FOR YOUR LEAVING PRESENT.

I TALKED MYSELF OUT OF IT. I'M STAYIN' ON.

DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR GRANDFATHER IN THE IRON LUNG,

AND HOW YOU CAN'T AFFORD A SHILLING FOR THE METER?

NO, I GAVE HIM THE CRIPPLED MOTHER

WITH THE ASIAN AND THE ASTHMATIC CAT.

YOU USED A LOT OF MATERIAL THERE.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID I SHOULD TRY AND SMILE A BIT MORE.

IS THAT IT?

TAKE THAT SILLY GRIN OFF YOUR FACE, MR. LUCAS.

IT'S VERY BAD FOR TRADE.

YOU JUST CAN'T WIN, CAN YOU?

TAKE NO NOTICE OF HIM. HE'S JEALOUS.

IF HE TRIED IT, THEY'D DROP ON THE FLOOR.

NO TALKING, LUCAS. THERE'S A CUSTOMER.

A CUSTOMER? WE'D BETTER HAVE A TWO-MINUTE SILENCE.

DON'T BE FACETIOUS, MR. LUCAS.

YOUR FUTURE WITH THIS FIRM

IS STILL VERY MUCH IN THE BALANCE, YOU KNOW.

MR. GRAINGER, ARE YOU FREE?

OH, YES, YES, I'M FREE... YOURS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

SHOP!

OH.

ARE YOU BEING SERVED, SIR?

NO, AND I'D LIKE TO SEE THE ASSISTANT

WHO SERVED ME LAST TUESDAY.

OH, YES. THAT WOULD BE OUR MR. HUMPHRIES, I THINK.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

YES, I'M FREE, MR. GRAINGER.

GOOD MORNING, SIR. CAN I HELP YOU?

NO, IT WASN'T YOU I WANTED.

HE WAS YOUNGER AND GOOD-LOOKING.

OH.

IT HAD TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY.

WELL, THEN, IT MUST BE OUR MR. LUCAS.

ARE YOU FREE, MR. LUCAS?

OH, AS FREE AS AIR, MR. GRAINGER.

YES, THAT'S THE ONE I WANT.

THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE.

WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH OUR MR. LUCAS.

YES, I REMEMBER YOU, SIR. YOU'RE THE GENTLEMAN

I SOLD THE GLEN CHECK WITH THE TWO VENTS TO LAST TUESDAY!

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND YOU SAID IF I DECIDED I DIDN'T LIKE IT,

I COULD BRING IT BACK, AND YOU'D REFUND MY MONEY.

DID I SAY THAT?

YES, AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

WELL, YOU DID LIKE IT!

WELL, IT'S MY WIFE THAT DOESN'T LIKE IT.

GLEN CHECKS TAKE A BIT OF GETTING USED TO.

I DON'T WANT TO GET USED TO IT.

I JUST WANT MY MONEY BACK.

IF I MAY INTERRUPT FOR A MOMENT, SIR.

WE ARE, OF COURSE, WILLING TO ACCEPT THE RETURN OF YOUR GARMENT.

BUT IT IS NOT OUR POLICY TO REFUND.

WE CAN, HOWEVER, GIVE YOU A CREDIT NOTE FOR THAT AMOUNT.

BUT HE SAID IF I DIDN'T LIKE IT,

I COULD HAVE MY MONEY BACK.

DID YOU SAY THAT?

I... I... I MIGHT HAVE DONE.

"MIGHT"?

IN A SUDDEN RUSH OF ENTHUSIASM,

I MIGHT HAVE GIVEN THAT IMPRESSION.

MR. LUCAS, DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT SAY

THE CUSTOMER COULD HAVE HIS MONEY BACK? I MUST HAVE AN ANSWER.

HOW WOULD A LOOSE "YES" DO?

IN THE LIGHT OF MR. LUCAS' CONFESSION, SIR,

WE HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE BUT TO RETURN YOUR MONEY.

LUCAS, THE TILL.

THINGS SEEM TO BE IMPROVING FOR YOU, MR. LUCAS.

HOW MUCH AM I TO RING UP?

- RING DOWN £20 AND 50 PENCE. - RING DOWN?

GLASS OF WATER, MR. GRAINGER?

WHAT A LOAD OF OLD CODSWALLOP THIS IS.

- WHY, ARE YOU GOING OUT TONIGHT? - NO.

HOW ABOUT COMING OUT TO THE PICTURES WITH ME, THEN?

- WHAT'S ON? - THERE'S "BAMBI" AT STUDIO 2,

THEN ROUND THE CORNER, THERE'S "THE UNSATISFIED VIRGIN."

I'VE SEEN "BAMBI."

YOU CAN FORGET THAT. BY THE TIME RUMBOLD'S FINISHED RABBITING ON,

THE VIRGIN WILL HAVE BEEN SATISFIED, AND THEY'LL HAVE GONE HOME.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU PRETEND TO FAINT,

AND I'LL CARRY YOU OUT.

I CAN'T FAINT WITHOUT AN EXCUSE.

TELL THEM YOU'RE HAVING A BABY.

WHAT A PITY YOUR EAR HOLES AREN'T A BIT BIGGER.

- WHY? - THEN YOU COULD SHOVE A TOOTHBRUSH IN THEM

AND CLEAN OUT THAT FILTHY MIND OF YOURS.

LOOK OUT. HERE COMES RUMBOLD.

IS EVERYBODY HERE?

OH, JUST COMING, MR. RUMBOLD.

I WAS PUTTING MY EVENING FACE ON.

AND IT'S EVEN LOVELIER THAN THE MORNING ONE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

I'VE DELEGATED MR. HUMPHRIES

TO GET SOME REFRESHMENTS FROM THE CANTEEN, SIR.

HOT COCOA AND BUNS.

HOT COCOA, MISS BRAHMS. DID YOU HEAR THAT?

HOT COCOA AND BUNS.

IT MAKES THE WHOLE THING WORTHWHILE.

OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE A COLLECTION FOR IT.

I THINK MANAGEMENT WOULD ALLOW THAT OUT OF THE PETTY CASH.

OH, THAT'S MOST GENEROUS, MR. RUMBOLD.

YES, GRACE BROTHERS KNOW HOW TO LOOK AFTER THEIR WORKERS.

OH, WELL, WE DO OUR BEST.

A SATISFIED TEAM IS AN EFFICIENT TEAM.

AND A SATISFIED VIRGIN IS A VIRGIN NO LONGER.

DINNER IS SERVED.

WHERE SHALL I PUT IT?

PERHAPS YOU CAN SET IT ON THE TABLE.

RIGHT. NOW, THEN.

OH, OH, WHERE'S MR. GRAINGER?

HE WAS HERE A SHORT TIME AGO, SIR,

TAKING STOCK OF HIS SHIRTS.

SEE IF YOU CAN FIND HIM, MR. LUCAS.

OH, YES, CERTAINLY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

HE'S PROBABLY PUTTING HIS EVENING SET OF TEETH IN.

MR. GRAINGER?

MR. GRAINGER? MISTER...?

( gasping )

I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS, SIR.

I THINK MR. GRAINGER'S DIED AT HIS POST.

UNLESS I'M TERRIBLY MISTAKEN, HE'S GONE DOWN WITH HIS SHIRTS.

DON'T BE WITTY, MR. LUCAS.

AFTER THIS MORNING'S INCIDENT, YOUR CONTINUED EMPLOYMENT

WITH GRACE BROTHERS IS A MATTER FOR GRAVE DOUBT.

( snoring )

POOR OLD SOUL. HE'S BEEN ON HIS FEET ALL DAY.

HE PROBABLY GOES TO SLEEP ABOUT THIS TIME ON THE TRAIN.

MR. GRAINGER?

- Rumbold: MR. GRAINGER? - MR. GRAINGER?

MISS BRAHMS. MR. GRAINGER?

BALDY?

ONE HESITATES TO LAY HANDS ON HIM, STILL...

NO, I WOULDN'T IF I WERE YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.

NO, JUST THINK OF IT... SUDDEN SHOCK, HEART ATTACK, KICKS THE BUCKET.

NEWS OF THE WORLD...

"AGED WORKER DIES AT HANDS OF OVERSEER."

THAT WOULDN'T LOOK GOOD FOR GRACE BROTHERS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I THINK I KNOW WHAT TO DO.

AHEM... ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER?

YES, I'M FREE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR. - GOOD AFTERNOON, MR. GRAINGER.

I THINK WE'RE READY FOR YOU NOW.

OH, I'M READY, I GUESS.

NOW, IF YOU'LL ALL TAKE YOUR PLACES.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

NOW THEN...

THE FIRST QUESTION WE HAVE TO DECIDE ON IS:

DO WE TAKE OUR COCOA AND BUNS NOW,

OR DO WE WAIT UNTIL WE'VE BEEN GOING FOR AN HOUR OR TWO?

PERHAPS WE SHOULD ASK THE LADIES.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, DO YOU FEEL LIKE HAVING COCOA AND BUNS NOW?

I NEVER FEEL LIKE HAVING COCOA AND BUNS.

IF I'D KNOWN THE FIRM WAS GOING TO BE SO STINGY,

I'D HAVE GONE OUT AND HAD A WIMPY CHEESEBURGER.

I BELIEVE THERE'S SOME CHEESE IN THE BUNS.

I DON'T LIKE CHEESE.

THERE'S NOT VERY MUCH CHEESE IN THE BUNS.

WELL, I FEEL I SHOULD MENTION

YOUNG MR. GRACE MAY BE COMING THROUGH DURING OUR CONFERENCE,

SO PERHAPS IT WOULD BE AS WELL TO EAT NOW AND GET TO THE...

GET THE BANQUET OVER AND DONE WITH, YES.

I SECOND THAT. AND LET'S NOT BOTHER ABOUT SENIORITY,

- LET'S JUST DIVE IN, EH? - GOOD IDEA.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MOTHER, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

SEEING AS I'M NOT HAVING ANY,

I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD BE LUMBERED POURING IT OUT.

PERHAPS YOU'D DO THE HONORS, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

( mouth full ) CERTAINLY.

IS THERE A SOFTER ONE? THIS IS VERY HARD.

I'LL SEE IF I CAN FIND YOU A SOFTER ONE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DO YOU MIND?!

THOSE THAT YOU HAVEN'T SQUEEZED AROUND,

HE'S HAD HIS CHOPS AROUND.

IT PUTS ME OFF.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO HAVE ONE, MR. RUMBOLD?

NO, I DON'T THINK I WANT ONE, THANK YOU.

ANYONE ELSE FOR A HALF-EATEN CHEESE ROLL?

NO, THANK YOU.

ANYONE FOR THE CHEESE INSIDE, THEN?

HARDLY USED. ONE CAREFUL OWNER.

ANYONE NOT WANT COCOA?

YES, BUT I'LL HAVE SOME JUST THE SAME.

OH, THAT'S LOVELY.

THAT ARMY TRAINING CERTAINLY CAME IN USEFUL, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

SHALL WE GET DOWN TO THE PURPOSE

FOR WHICH WE ARE COME TOGETHER?

I WAS WONDERING WHEN WE WERE GOING TO GET ROUND TO THAT.

NOW, THEN... AHEM...

I THINK IT WOULD PAY US

TO EXAMINE OUR WHOLE MODUS OPERANDI, AS IT WERE,

VIS-A-VIS THE HANDLING OF CUSTOMERS

FROM THE MOMENT THEY ARRIVE

TO THE MOMENT WHEN WE MAKE THE SALE...

OR NOT.

I SOMETIMES REGARD OUR WHOLE ORGANIZATION

AS A SHIP AT SEA.

PEACOCK HERE IS AT THE HELM,

KEEPING HIS EYES SKINNED,

I AM IN THE ENGINE ROOM,

MAKING SURE WE'RE ALL GOING FULL STEAM AHEAD,

AND YOU MEN ARE THE CREW.

WHAT'S IT CALLED, THE TITANIC?

AND WHAT ABOUT THE LADIES?

OH, YOU'RE THE CREW, TOO.

NOW, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE LIFT DOORS OPEN

AND OUT STEPS A CUSTOMER?

WE ALL MAN THE LIFEBOATS.

MR. LUCAS...!

Rumbold: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK SPOTS HIM AND STEERS HIM OVER TO THE COUNTER.

I SEE! YES, I SEE, SIR.

THE CUSTOMER HAS NOW BECOME THE SHIP,

AND ALL THE COUNTERS ARE DOCKS.

AND WHEN HE GETS TO ONE OF OUR COUNTERS,

WE TIE HIM UP WITH OUR TAPE MEASURE

AND HANG ONTO HIM UNTIL HE'S BEEN UNLOADED.

THAT'S NOT QUITE WHAT I MEANT.

PERHAPS IF I COULD PUT IT, SIR,

NOT MORE SUCCINCTLY, BUT IN A WAY THAT WOULD BE MORE EASILY GRASPED

BY THOSE UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND YOUR SIMILE.

I LOOK UPON IT AS A BATTLE.

THE CUSTOMER IS THE ENEMY.

WE DEPLOY OUR FORCES, LIFT DOORS OPEN,

CUSTOMER STEPS OUT, AND WHAT HAPPENS?

WE OPEN UP THE MACHINE GUNS, AND BANG-BANG, HE'S DEAD.

IF WE'RE GOING ON LIKE THIS, I'M GOING HOME.

BEAR WITH ME. BEAR WITH ME.

NOW, I ENGAGE THE CUSTOMER IN A LITTLE VERBAL SKIRMISH,

HE IS THEN OUTFLANKED BY THE EVER-ALERT MR. GRAINGER...

( snoring )

MR. HUMPHRIES...

- ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER? - YES, I'M FREE!

THANK YOU.

NOW, THE TROUBLE APPEARS TO BE

THAT SOME OF THE CUSTOMERS ARE GETTING AWAY.

NOW, WHERE IS THE WEAK LINK IN THE CHAIN?

I THINK YOU MAY HAVE SOMETHING THERE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

PERHAPS THERE IS A WEAK LINK IN THE CHAIN.

PERHAPS WE REALLY SHOULD EXAMINE

OUR WHOLE CUSTOMER HANDLING TECHNIQUE

FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

NOW, I WILL BE A CUSTOMER.

I SHALL ARRIVE IN THE LIFT,

AND I WANT YOU ALL TO TAKE ME RIGHT THROUGH,

FROM THE MOMENT WHEN CAPTAIN PEACOCK SPOTS ME

TO THE MOMENT WHEN WE MAKE THE SALE.

GOOD IDEA, SIR.

NOW, I WANT YOU ALL TO OBSERVE,

VERY CAREFULLY, WHAT HAPPENS.

WE MAY POSSIBLY LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS, HMM?

QUITE.

DEPLOY YOURSELVES IN YOUR USUAL POSITIONS,

AND KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.

AS MR. RUMBOLD SAYS, WE MAY ALL LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS.

WE'RE READY, MR. RUMBOLD.

( thumping )

HE'S STUCK.

GET HIM OUT, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WE'VE CERTAINLY LEARNED SOMETHING, MISS BRAHMS.

WE'VE LEARNED THAT MR. RUMBOLD

DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO OPEN THE LIFTS.

I'M SORRY, I PUSHED THE FLOOR BUTTON,

THEN THE LIFT MOVED,

SO I PUSHED THE EMERGENCY STOP,

AND THEN OF COURSE, THE DOORS WOULDN'T OPEN.

- ( bell rings ) - THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING DOWN IN THE OTHER LIFT.

- THAT'LL BE YOUNG MR. GRACE. - IS MY HAIR TIDY?

STRAIGHTEN YOURSELVES UP.

YOUNG MR. GRACE IS COMING DOWN.

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

Young Mr. Grace: GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.

All: GOOD EVENING, MR. GRACE.

I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN HAVING A SALES CONFERENCE.

THAT'S RIGHT, MR. GRACE.

IT'S BEEN GOING VERY WELL, SIR.

I WAS A SALESMAN ONCE, YOU KNOW.

I HAD A STALL IN THE MARKET.

WE SOLD FISH.

SMELLY STUFF.

YOU WERE VERY WISE TO HAVE A DEPARTMENT STORE INSTEAD, MR. GRACE.

BEEN HAVING A GOOD TUCK-IN, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

OH, YES, THANK YOU, MR. GRACE. IT WAS DELICIOUS.

GOOD. I'M GLAD WE'RE LOOKING AFTER YOU.

WELL, YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

IT'S TIME YOU ALL WENT HOME.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

- COAT, SIR? - OH, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE A CHEEKY YOUNG MONKEY, AREN'T YOU?

ONE OF OUR MOST PROMISING YOUNG MEN, SIR.

IT'S A GOOD FIT... NICE MATERIAL.

IT'S VICUNA, SIR.

YES, I ALWAYS WEAR VICUNA.

WELL, I'LL TAKE IT.

HAVE IT PUT ON MY ACCOUNT.

A VERY FORCEFUL SALE.

PERSONALLY TRAINED BY ME, SIR.

WE COULD DO WITH MORE OF THAT SORT.

YES, INDEED, SIR.

DON'T BE LATE IN THE MORNING.

All: NO, MR. GRACE.

YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

( chuckles ) WELL...

HE SEEMS IN A VERY GOOD MOOD.

I'VE SELDOM SEEN HIM IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD.

THAT WAS A VERY SMART BIT OF SELLING, MR. LUCAS.

YOU SEE, THE SMILE DOES THE TRICK.

OH, IT DOES INDEED, MR. RUMBOLD, YES.

YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW YOUR STOCK VERY WELL.

EVEN I WAS UNAWARE

THAT WE HAD A VICUNA COAT.

WE HAVEN'T.

MR. LUCAS SOLD MR. GRACE HIS OWN COAT.

MR. LUCAS SOLD MR. GRACE MR. LUCAS' COAT?

NO...

MR. LUCAS SOLD MR. GRACE MR. GRACE'S COAT.

I SEE.

I THINK WE'VE ALL LEARNED

A GREAT DEAL THIS EVENING.

HERE, DO YOU STILL FANCY "THE UNSATISFIED VIRGIN"?

- I'M GAME IF YOU'RE GAME. - ALL RIGHT, THEN. COME ON.

I MUST PRACTICE THAT SMILE MYSELF.

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS, TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHINGS RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪