Original subtitles

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

THANK YOU SO MUCH, MADAM. GOOD AFTERNOON.

GOOD AFTERNOON, MADAM.

HOW ARE THE SALES GOING, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

WELL, IN LINGERIE, PANTS ARE UP AND BRAS ARE DOWN.

BETTER THAN THE OTHER WAY AROUND, EH, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

NOW, NOW, CAPTAIN PEACOCK, YOU MUSTN'T SAY

THINGS LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF MY LITTLE ASSISTANT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I DON'T WEAR 'EM.

- BRAS, I MEAN. - I'M SURE IT'S AGAINST STAFF REGULATIONS.

STILL, I'M ALWAYS PREPARED TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME.

I'VE NO TIME FOR THAT MAN.

- HE'S GOT SUCH COLD EYES. - AND SUCH HOT HANDS.

I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

IF HE TRIED ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH ME, I'D SLAP HIS CHOPS.

MR. LUCAS HAS GOT A CUSTOMER. OH, I AM GLAD.

YEAH, BET HE DOESN'T SELL HIM ANYTHING, THOUGH.

OH, IT IS A SHAME.

HE'S SO OBLIGING, AND SUCH A GENTLEMAN.

YOU KNOW, YESTERDAY WHEN WE WERE TRAPPED

IN THE LIFT ALONE TOGETHER,

- HE DIDN'T TRY ANYTHING. - DIDN'T HE?

NO, HE JUST PRESSED THE ALARM BELL

AND SHOUTED FOR HELP.

I THINK THAT FITS VERY SNUGLY, DON'T YOU, MR.HUMPHRIES?

OH, VERY SNUGLY, MR. GRAINGER.

AREN'T THE SLEEVES A BIT LONG?

NO, I THINK THOSE WILL RIDE UP WITH WEAR,

DON'T YOU AGREE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

THEY'LL DEFINITELY RIDE UP, MR. GRAINGER.

YES, NOW, IF YOU WOULD JUST RAISE YOUR ARMS UP AND DOWN

SO THAT WE SEE...

THAT'S SNUG UNDERNEATH THE ARMS.

I THINK THAT'S SNUG, DON'T YOU?

THERE'S PLENTY OF RIDE THERE, MR. GRAINGER.

ENOUGH TO CONDUCT A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.

NOT IN A SPORTS COAT, MR. HUMPHRIES.

IT SEEMS TO BE SHORTER AT THE FRONT THAN AT THE BACK.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING UPRIGHT, SIR.

ONE DOES TEND TO DO THAT WHEN ONE IS TRYING ON NEW GARMENTS.

- REALLY? - OH, YES, SIR.

YOU SEE, IF I STAND UPRIGHT LIKE THIS,

WELL, I'M UP AT THE FRONT, AREN'T I, MR. GRAINGER?

YOU CERTAINLY ARE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO STOOP A LITTLE?

- LIKE THIS? - YES, PERHAPS A LITTLE MORE.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE? PERFECT.

MAY I SUGGEST A PAIR OF TROUSERS TO COMPLETE THE ENSEMBLE?

DEFINITELY A PAIR OF TROUSERS, MR. GRAINGER.

WHAT COLOR HAD YOU IN MIND?

OH, WELL, BROWN?

ISN'T THAT EXTRAORDINARY?

IT WAS ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE TO SAY BROWN.

A VERY WISE CHOICE.

YOU CAN HARDLY GO WRONG WITH BROWN.

YOU CAN WEAR ANY KIND OF SHOES, EXCEPT BLACK.

DO YOU KNOW YOUR INSIDE LEG, SIR?

IT WAS 31, I THINK.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CHECK IT?

NO, THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I CAN MANAGE.

YOU DON'T WANT IT TO SLIP AGAIN, DO YOU?

- WHAT? - YOUR TRUSS.

I CAN MANAGE.

NOW, TAPE MEASURE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- TAPE, MR. LUCAS. - TAPE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- TAPE, MR. GRAINGER. - THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

- ( coughs ) - FAILED.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"MADE IN ENGLAND," MR. GRAINGER.

31 1/2, MR. GRAINGER.

THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

( sharp ripping )

I DON'T THINK THAT WAS VERY FUNNY, MR. LUCAS.

NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK.

- GET ME A PAIR OF BROWN 40s, 31 1/2. - NO, I CAN'T.

I'VE GOT A 34 IN THE FITTING ROOM.

I'LL GET THEM FOR YOU, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU KNOW, WITH YOUR SALES RECORD,

I WOULDN'T CHANCE MY ARM WITH THE PRACTICAL JOKES.

I'VE GOT TO RELIEVE THE MONOTONY SOMEHOW.

MY CUSTOMER'S TRIED ON SO MANY JACKETS,

HE'S PRACTICALLY WORN HIS SHIRT OUT.

- I WISH HE'D HURRY UP AND MAKE HIS MIND UP. - WHAT'S THE RUSH?

- I WANNA CHAT UP SHIRLEY. - WHO'S SHIRLEY?

- MISS BRAHMS. - WE'RE ON FIRST NAMES' TERMS, ARE WE?

YES... ABOUT AS FAR AS WE HAVE GOT.

I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR TYPE.

SHE'S NOT. MINE'S GOT MEASLES.

DON'T LET PEACOCK SEE YOU FRATERNIZING OVER THERE,

OTHERWISE, YOU'LL GET THE ROUGH EDGE OF HIS TONGUE.

AND I CAN TELL YOU IT ISN'T VERY PLEASANT.

( whistles )

I KNOW WHAT, I'LL SEND HER A NOTE.

HERE, LEND ME YOUR PENCIL.

A BIT SHORT ON LEAD, AREN'T YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY?

- "DEAR SEXY KNICKERS..." - THAT'S SUBTLE.

IF YOU DON'T ASK, YOU DON'T GET, DO YOU?

"I DON'T HALF FANCY YOU."

I'M GLAD TO SEE ROMANCE ISN'T DEAD.

"MEET ME OUTSIDE AT 5:30,

AND WE'LL GET IT TOGETHER."

WHAT, OUTSIDE AT 5:30? YOU'LL BE RUN IN.

YOU'VE DECIDED ON THAT ONE, HAVE YOU, SIR?

I LIKE THE PATTERN, BUT THE JACKET'S MUCH TOO TIGHT UNDER THE ARMS.

IT'S THE BIGGEST ONE WE'VE GOT, SIR.

THEY DO VARY, SIR. PERHAPS IF SIR WOULD LIKE

TO TRY ON THE TROUSERS, I'LL HAVE A LOOK.

- OH, THANK YOU. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- THAT'S THE ONLY ONE WE'VE GOT. - I KNOW THAT.

THIS IS A WRINKLE WORTH KNOWING.

COME OVER HERE. I DON'T WANT PEACOCK TO SEE.

NOW, YOU'VE HEARD OF "PUTTING THE BOOT IN"?

THIS IS WHAT'S KNOWN IN THE TRADE AS "PUTTING THE KNEE IN."

- YOU SEE, YOU PUT IT OVER LIKE THAT... - VERY CRAFTY.

AND YOU PULL UNTIL YOU BREAK ALL THE STITCHES.

IF YOU LISTEN, YOU CAN HEAR THEM GO.

( faint popping )

THERE'S A TRICK IN EVERY TRADE.

THE TRICK IN THIS, MR. LUCAS, IS TO MAKE SURE

THAT THE CUSTOMER GETS IT HOME BEFORE THE SLEEVES DROP OFF.

- MR. HUMPHRIES? - COMING, MR. GRAINGER.

GOOD NEWS, SIR, I FOUND ANOTHER ONE.

WOULD YOU MIND, SIR? WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE...

YOU CAN BE SEEN BY THE WHOLE LADIES' DEPARTMENT.

OH, LOOK, A MAN IN HIS SHIRTTAILS.

- WHERE? - YOU'VE JUST MISSED IT.

IT'S THAT MR. LUCAS. HE DOES IT DELIBERATELY.

I'M SURE HE DOESN'T. IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

IT'S HAVING TO SHARE THE FLOOR WITH THE MEN'S DEPARTMENT.

OH, HE'S THERE AGAIN. IN THE FITTING ROOM.

HE'S TYING HIS SHOE.

OH, IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. IT REALLY ISN'T.

NO. IT WOULDN'T MAKE THE CENTER PAGES OF COSMOPOLITAN.

THAT'S SOMETHING I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND...

WHY ANYBODY WANTS TO BUY A WOMEN'S MAGAZINE

WITH A PICTURE OF A NUDE MAN IN IT. I THINK IT'S AWFUL.

I THOUGHT BURT REYNOLDS LOOKED QUITE SEXY.

YOU COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING. HIS ARM WAS IN THE WAY.

- THAT'S MUCH BETTER. - ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD, SIR.

ARE THESE SLEEVES LONG ENOUGH?

I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU, SIR.

I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU.

THEY'LL COME DOWN, SIR, WITH WEAR.

- WILL THEY? - YES, DEFINITELY.

THE MORE YOU WEAR IT, THE QUICKER THEY'LL COME DOWN.

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE SAME PATTERN AS THE LAST ONE?

- LOOKS A BIT STRONGER TO ME. - I ASSURE YOU IT'S THE SAME.

ABSOLUTELY IDENTICAL.

- I'M NOT OFTEN WRONG ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING. - WELL, YOU ARE THIS TIME.

NEVERTHELESS, I'D LIKE TO SEE THE OTHER ONE,

JUST TO SATISFY MYSELF.

- WOULD YOU? - YES.

JUST A MINUTE.

( shrilly ) MR. HUMPHRIES?!

THE CUSTOMER WOULD LIKE TO SEE

THE OTHER JACKET, THE SMALLER ONE HE COULDN'T GET ON.

WHAT A PITY, JUST SOLD IT!

OH, TOO BAD.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE, YOU SEE, SIR.

THEY'RE GOING LIKE HOTCAKES TODAY.

- WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG HERE. - WHERE?

WHEN I GO LIKE THIS, ONE SLEEVE IS SHORTER THAN THE OTHER.

WELL... LET'S FACE IT,

PEOPLE DON'T VERY OFTEN STAND LIKE THAT, DO THEY?

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE A MIDGET PIANIST.

PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TROUSERS? THEY'RE TOO TIGHT.

DO YOU USE A SHOOTING STICK MUCH?

YES, THEY'RE DEFINITELY CATCHING, EH?

- UNDER THE... - YES, DEFINITELY.

YES, UNFORTUNATELY, THEY VARY IN SIZE, TOO, THE TROUSERS, I MEAN.

WOULD YOU MIND OBLIGING BY DROP...

TAKING THEM OFF, PLEASE, IF YOU WOULD?

- ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER? - YES, I'M FREE.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A WORD WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- TAKE OVER FOR ME, WILL YOU? - YES, MR. GRAINGER.

ERNEST, I'VE JUST HAD A COMPLAINT

FROM MRS. SLOCOMBE ABOUT YOUNG MR. LUCAS.

- GO ON. - WELL, APPARENTLY,

HE ALLOWED ONE OF HIS CUSTOMERS TO APPEAR IN FULL VIEW

OF HER DEPARTMENT IN A STATE OF UNDRESS.

ARE YOU SURE, STEPHEN?

OH, YES. SHE SAW THE WHOLE THING CLEARLY.

WELL, THEN IT'S MORE SERIOUS THAN I THOUGHT.

IT'S A GREAT PITY, I THINK,

THAT WE HAVE TO SHARE THIS FLOOR

WITH THE LADIES' DEPARTMENT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS WORKING OUT RATHER WELL.

WELL, I PERSONALLY HAVE A COMPLAINT TO MAKE ALSO.

FROM A CERTAIN POSITION IN THIS DEPARTMENT,

ONE CAN SEE RIGHT INTO THE LADIES' FITTING ROOMS.

REALLY? WHEREABOUTS FROM?

THE CORNER OF THAT COUNTER.

THANK YOU, ERNEST. I SHALL LOOK INTO THAT.

AND IF I SEE ANYTHING,

I SHALL MOST CERTAINLY MAKE A COMPLAINT

AT THE NEXT MONTHLY MEETING.

AREN'T THESE TROUSERS A BIT LONG?

IT IS THE FASHION NOWADAYS FOR TROUSERS

TO BE WORN MUCH LONGER. ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

OH, YES. DEFINITELY, MR. HUMPHRIES.

JACKETS VERY SNUG AND TIGHT, AND TROUSERS VERY LONG.

IT ALSO HELPS TO KEEP THE SHOES POLISHED.

- THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS. - THAT IS, OF COURSE,

- IF THEY DON'T RIDE UP WITH WEAR. - THANK YOU.

WELL, IF YOU'D LIKE TO SLIP THEM OFF,

I'LL WRAP THEM UP WITH THE JACKET.

ARE YOU QUITE SURE THESE ARE ALL RIGHT?

SIR, WOULD I ALLOW YOU TO LEAVE THIS STORE

IF THEY WERE NOT?

- SALE, MR. GRAINGER. - SALE, MR. GRAINGER.

I'LL MAKE OUT A BILL.

- HOW DID THE NEW JACKET FIT? - VERY SNUGLY.

I AM JUST ABOUT TO FIND THE OTHER PAIR OF TROUSERS.

( sharp ripping )

WE DON'T KNEE TROUSERS, MR. LUCAS.

- DON'T WE? - NO.

WELL, YOU MIGHT HAVE TOLD ME BEFORE.

HAVE YOU GONE MAD, MR. LUCAS?

WELL, IT WAS LIKE THIS, YOU SEE, MR. PEACOCK.

MY CUSTOMER'S CROTCH WAS TOO TIGHT,

AND I WAS TRYING TO STRETCH IT... THEM.

( stammering )

I WAS... I WAS TRYING TO STRETCH THEM, SIR.

YOU SEEM TO HAVE SUCCEEDED BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.

- THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER. - YES, SIR.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

YES, AT THE MOMENT.

ASK MR. GRAINGER, IF HE'S FREE, TO STEP THIS WAY.

EXCUSE ME.

- ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER? - YES, I'M FREE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK WOULD LIKE A WORD WITH YOU.

YES, VERY WELL.

DO YOU ENCOURAGE YOUR ASSISTANTS

TO TRY TO STRETCH TROUSERS WHEN THEY DON'T FIT?

MOST CERTAINLY NOT. DO WE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

CERTAINLY NOT, MR. GRAINGER.

WE GIVE THEM THE SAME PAIR BACK

- AND SAY WE FOUND A LARGER SIZE. - CERTAINLY.

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS, MR. LUCAS.

MR. GRAINGER WILL CARRY ON WITH YOUR CUSTOMER

WHILE I PLACE THESE BEFORE MR. RUMBOLD.

AND, MR. LUCAS...

HOLD YOURSELF IN READINESS.

WHAT WAS YOUR CUSTOMER'S WAIST MEASUREMENT?

- A TIGHT 34. - AND INSIDE LEG?

- A TICKLISH 28. - YOU SHOULD'VE TRIED THE REDUCED RAIL.

- YES. - IT'S NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

IT'S NOT GONNA BE MY NIGHT, UNLESS I CAN GET THIS NOTE TO SHIRLEY.

IF PEACOCK SEES YOU OVER THERE,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK FOR YOUR CARDS AND LEAVE WITH DIGNITY.

BUT HOW AM I GONNA GET THIS NOTE TO HER?

ATTRACT HER ATTENTION, GET HER OVER HERE.

- SHE'S SEEN ME. - WELL, BECKON HER OVER.

THAT'S DONE IT.

TAKE OVER FOR ME, WILL YOU, MISS BRAHMS?

MR. LUCAS WANTS TO SEE ME IN THE MEN'S DEPARTMENT.

I THINK IT'S ABOUT THAT COMPLAINT.

WELL, YOU'VE PROBABLY GOT HIM INTO TROUBLE.

TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS.

ARE YOU FREE, MR. LUCAS?

YES, I'M AFRAID I AM, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I DO HOPE THAT MY COMPLAINT

HASN'T CAUSED YOU ANY INCONVENIENCE.

- YOUR WHAT? - MY COMPLAINT.

BLIMEY. YOU HAVEN'T GOT MEASLES AS WELL, HAVE YOU?

I WOULDN'T WANT TO GET YOU INTO TROUBLE.

AND VICE VERSA.

YOU WERE SO MARVELOUS TO ME IN THE LIFT YESTERDAY.

IT ISN'T THAT I MIND SEEING A MAN WITHOUT HIS TROUSERS ON.

DO YOU REQUIRE ANYTHING

IN MY DEPARTMENT, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

SOUNDS AS THOUGH SHE'S ALREADY HAD IT.

I WAS MERELY THANKING YOUNG MR. LUCAS

FOR BEING SO GOOD IN THE LIFT YESTERDAY

WHEN WE WERE STUCK BETWEEN FLOORS.

I SEE.

I HOPE THAT I HAVEN'T GOT HIM INTO TROUBLE

OVER OUR LITTLE AFFAIR THIS MORNING.

CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, MR. LUCAS,

BUT DO I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU GOT MRS. SLOCOMBE

INTO TROUBLE IN THE LIFT YESTERDAY,

AND YOU HAD AN AFFAIR WITH HER THIS MORNING IN HER DEPARTMENT?

I'M SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU, BUT, YES, YOU'RE WRONG!

WHAT A PITY.

I THOUGHT THINGS WERE GOING TO LIVEN UP A BIT.

DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU YOURSELF

ACTUALLY TORE THESE TROUSERS

BECAUSE WE HADN'T GOT A LARGER SIZE?

NOW, WHAT WAS THIS, TEMPER?

NO, NO, NO, SIR. IT WAS LIKE THIS. YOU SEE, SIR.

MR. HUMPHRIES KNEED THE JACKET.

AH! YOU MEAN MR. HUMPHRIES NEEDED THE JACKET.

- LET'S GET OUR TENSES RIGHT. - NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- YOU SEE, I KNEED THE JACKET. - YOU NEED IT NOW?

NO, I KNEED IT THEN.

YOU MEAN, YOU NEEDED IT THEN?

- IF I MIGHT CLARIFY. - THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

IT SEEMS TO HAVE GOT RATHER OUT OF HAND.

YES, IT'S A MATTER OF SPELLING, SIR.

- SPELLING? - YOU SPELLED KNEED WITH AN "N."

MR. HUMPHRIES WAS USING A "K."

YOU MEAN LIKE KNEADING DOUGH?

- IS THAT IT, MR. LUCAS? - YES, I NEEDED THE DOUGH,

BUT HE DIDN'T WANT THE JACKET BECAUSE IT WAS TOO TIGHT.

SO YOU KNEADED IT TO MAKE IT MORE SUPPLE,

WHICH WAS WHY YOU NEEDED THE JACKET.

YOU MAY RECALL, THAT IS WHAT I SAID IN THE FIRST PLACE.

NEARLY RIGHT, SIR, YES.

BUT WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO EXPLAIN, SIR,

IS THAT... AND COMING FROM HARDWARE, YOU WOULD NOT BE AWARE OF THIS,

BUT THERE IS A METHOD USED... AND I DISAPPROVE OF IT MYSELF,

THERE IS A METHOD USED TO ENLARGE THE ARMHOLES OF JACKETS,

AND THE METHOD USED IS TO KNEE THE JACKET...

WITH A "K."

I AM AWARE OF HOW YOU SPELL "JACKET."

PERHAPS IF YOU WERE TO SLIP OFF YOUR JACKET, I COULD SHOW YOU.

PERHAPS, SIR, AT THIS JUNCTURE,

I MIGHT SAY THAT I DISAPPROVE

OF THIS PRACTICE MOST STRONGLY.

NOW, SIR, THE TRICK, AS I UNDERSTAND IT...

THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

THE TRICK, AS I UNDERSTAND IT,

IS TO PULL UNTIL SOME OF THE STITCHES GO.

UNTIL SOME OF THE STITCHES GO?!

IT DOESN'T HARM THE JACKET. IT JUST LOOSENS IT UP.

PERHAPS IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU LOOSENED UP

YOUR OWN JACKET, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

VERY WELL, SIR.

NOW THEN, SIR, IF YOU WILL LISTEN CAREFULLY.

I TAKE THE JACKET SO... AND I PULL SO...

I CAN'T HEAR ANY STITCHES GOING.

PERHAPS IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE.

- WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT? - WELL, I SOLD IT TO YOU.

THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A HIGHLY UNDESIRABLE PRACTICE.

NOW I HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT THE PENALTY SHOULD BE.

IS HE GOING TO PUT THE BLACK CAP ON?

YES, WELL, I THINK WE'LL DEDUCT THE COST

OF THESE TROUSERS FROM THIS WEEK'S COMMISSION, MR. LUCAS.

AND, JUDGING BY YOUR SALES RECORD,

FROM NEXT WEEK'S COMMISSION,

AND THE WEEK AFTER THAT, TOO.

- THAT WILL BE ALL. - THANK YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.

- THANK YOU, MR. RUMBOLD. - THANK YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU AGAIN, MR. RUMBOLD.

WELL, I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T DISCHARGE HIM.

- MAY I? - OF COURSE.

THANK YOU.

WELL, THE THOUGHT OF DISMISSING HIM

DID OCCUR TO ME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

THANK YOU.

BUT, WITH SALES BEING DOWN,

- I COULD HARDLY JUSTIFY REPLACING HIM. - COULD YOU NOT?

AND WITH FEWER PEOPLE IN THE DEPARTMENT,

YOUR OWN POSITION MIGHT BE CALLED INTO QUESTION.

( coughs )

- MIGHT IT? - YES.

YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF BACK IN TOYS AND GAMES

WITH ALL THOSE CHILDREN.

I THINK THERE'S A LOT OF GOOD IN THE LAD.

I HOPE, FOR YOUR SAKE,

THAT HE JUSTIFIES YOUR FAITH.

AND DO BRING IT BACK IF YOU'RE NOT ENTIRELY SATISFIED, MADAM.

THANK YOU.

AS I WAS SAYING, I DON'T GET OUT MUCH NOWADAYS,

SINCE MR. SLOCOMBE'S NO LONGER LIVING AT HOME.

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT FOR A WOMAN ON HER OWN.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO DOWN TO THE PUB FOR A QUICK DRINK

WITH ALL THOSE MEN OGLING AT YOU, CAN YOU?

WELL, NOT MORE THAN TWICE A WEEK ANYWAY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT MAN YOU MET ON THE BUS,

THE ONE THAT YOU GAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER TO?

- DIDN'T HE RING YOU? - I THINK HE DID.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU THINK HE DID?

WELL, IT SOUNDED LIKE HIS HEAVY BREATHING,

BUT I COULDN'T BE CERTAIN.

LOOK, THEY'RE BACK. I WONDER WHAT MR. LUCAS HAS DONE NOW.

HE PUT HIS KNEE IN A CUSTOMER'S TROUSERS.

WAS THE CUSTOMER STILL IN THEM?

NO, HE DID IT TO STRETCH THEM.

WE USED TO DO IT WITH BRAS BEFORE WE HAD SO MANY CUP SIZES.

- WHAT, OVER YOUR KNEE? - NO.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE USED THE DOORKNOB IN THE LADIES'.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M SENDING THIS NOTE TO MISS BRAHMS...

AIR MAIL.

Humphries: MISSED BY A MILE.

YOU'D BETTER GO AND GET IT BEFORE PEACOCK SEES IT.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, MR. LUCAS?

I WAS JUST STRETCHING MY LEGS, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- BACK TO YOUR OWN AREA. - YES, SIR.

BLIMEY! IT'S LIKE BEING IN COLDITZ.

- HE'S PICKED IT UP. - ARE YOU FREE, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

AT THE MOMENT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I MENTIONED YOUR COMPLAINT TO MR. GRAINGER,

AND HE, ON HIS PART, ALSO MADE A COMPLAINT

ABOUT THE VIEW OF THE LADIES'

FITTING ROOM FROM HIS DEPARTMENT.

WHAT WAS HE COMPLAINING ABOUT?

THAT HE COULD SEE, OR HE COULDN'T?

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I DON'T THINK HE'S QUITE AS BROAD-MINDED AS WE ARE.

OH, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT, WILL YOU?

- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE? - IT'S A BIT OF PAPER.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK GAVE IT TO ME.

OOH, IT'S A NOTE.

PASS MY GLASSES, MISS BRAHMS.

"DEAR SEXY KNICKERS...

I DON'T HALF FANCY YOU.

MEET ME OUTSIDE AT 5:30,

AND WE'LL GET IT TOGETHER."

GET WHAT...?

WELL, REALLY.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD SEXY KNICKERS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, THEY'RE DIRECTOIRE.

SOME MEN GET QUITE WORKED UP ABOUT THEM, YOU KNOW?

OVER DIRECTOIRE KNICKERS?

WELL, THERE IS AN AIR OF MYSTERY ABOUT THEM.

WELL, THERE WAS DURING THE WAR ANYWAY.

I SUPPOSE WITH ALL THOSE BOMBS FALLING DOWN AT THE TIME,

IT MADE 'EM A BIT MORE EXCITING. YOU GONNA GO?

WELL, FROM THE TONE OF THE NOTE,

MY FIRST INSTINCT WAS TO REFUSE, BUT...

WELL, HE IS THE HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT,

AND I AM AT A LOOSE END.

I'M NOT SURPRISED, IN DIRECTOIRE KNICKERS.

THAT'LL DO, MISS BRAHMS.

WELL, OF COURSE, I SHALL HAVE TO GIVE A REPLY.

I THINK I SHALL BE DISCREET AND USE THE TELEPHONE.

SHE'S READ YOUR NOTE, AND SHE'S PICKED UP THE PHONE.

SHE'S NOT GONNA PHONE THE HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT.

- ( telephone rings ) - THAT'S OURS.

SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU.

- TELL HER I'VE GONE DOWNSTAIRS. - WHAT STAIRS?

THESE.

( husky voice ) MENSWEAR.

WILL YOU CONNECT ME WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK, PLEASE?

HOLD ON. CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

ARE YOU FREE?

- YES, I'M FREE. - PHONE.

WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE, I SHOULD WRITE OUT YOUR RESIGNATION.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK HERE.

( seductively ) HELLO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

THIS IS SEXY KNICKERS.

WOULD YOU MIND REPEATING THAT?

THIS IS SEXY KNICKERS.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU SAID.

I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT AM I SPEAKING TO A CUSTOMER?

( sly laugh ) NAUGHTY BOY.

CUSTOMER, INDEED.

NOW, I'M NOT PROMISING ANYTHING,

BUT I'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE AT 5:30.

HOW SHALL I KNOW YOU?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HOW SHALL YOU KNOW ME?

- YOU SENT ME THE NOTE. - TO WHOM AM I SPEAKING?

DO YOU MEAN YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW?

- I HAVE NO IDEA. - THANK HEAVEN FOR THAT.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

WELL, HE IMPLIED THAT HE NEVER SENT THE NOTE.

"TO WHOM AM I TALKING TO?"

HE SAYS IN THAT "ROYAL SIGNALS" VOICE OF HIS.

BUT YOU'VE GOT HIS NOTE THERE IN YOUR HAND.

WELL, IF HE DIDN'T INTEND IT FOR ME...

- IT WAS FOR ME? - HAVE YOU SHOWN HIM ANY ENCOURAGEMENT?

I'VE NEVER SHOWN HIM ANYTHING.

- I'M GONNA GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MY MIND. - AND QUITE RIGHT.

FANCY ASKING A JUNIOR OUT.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, PLEASE.

I'LL SOON TRIM HIS FEATHERS FOR HIM.

HAS HE EVER MOLESTED YOU, DEAR?

NO, BUT HE DID HAVE A FUNNY LOOK ON HIS FACE

THAT TIME HE OFFERED TO HELP ME DOWN WITH MY CORSETS.

- WHAT? - OFF THE TOP SHELF IN THE STOCKROOM.

( telephone rings )

ANOTHER LADY ON THE PHONE FOR CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

SHH.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK SPEAKING. WHO IS THERE?

THIS IS SEXY KNICKERS HERE.

ANYTHING I CAN DO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

JUST A ROUTINE INQUIRY.

I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I COULDN'T FANCY YOU

IF YOU WERE THE LAST MAN LEFT IN GENTS' READYMADE.

If I was your age, I'd take myself...

HOLD ON TO THIS FOR A MOMENT, WILL YOU?

- YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK. - that sewer you call a mind,

instead of running around like some Peter Pan

what's been knocking back the pep pills.

IS THAT A COMPLAINT, MR. HUMPHRIES?

IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING, YES, MR. GRAINGER.

I'D BETTER TAKE IT.

JUST BECAUSE I LET YOU TAKE MY CORSETS DOWN ONCE

DOESN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT I FANCY YOU.

IF I HAVE ANY MORE OF YOUR OLD GUFF, I'M GONNA HAVE YOU ON THE CARPET.

- MIND WHAT YOU SAY. - I THINK MISS BRAHMS HAS SAID ENOUGH.

I THINK SOME EXPLANATION IS CALLED FOR.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, MR. GRAINGER?

SOME LADY SAYS SHE WANTS TO HAVE ME ON THE CARPET.

IT MUST BE MEANT FOR SOFT FURNISHINGS.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I WENT HOME EARLY TODAY, MR. GRAINGER?

AREN'T YOU FEELING WELL?

I THINK HE'S GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

YES, I SHALL FIND OUT WHO WROTE THIS.

AND YOU KNOW ME, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I DON'T REST UNTIL I GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS.

GLASS OF WATER FOR MR. GRAINGER.

- BUT HE HASN'T ASKED FOR A GLASS OF WATER. - HE WILL.

- ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER? - YES, I'M FREE.

- MR. HUMPHRIES? - YES, I'M FREE.

IS MR. LUCAS FREE?

I THINK HE'S GOING TO BE FREE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

AH, LUCAS.

NOW...

I HAVE HERE A BILL HEAD FROM THIS DEPARTMENT

ON WHICH IS WRITTEN, "DEAR SEXY KNICKERS,

I DON'T HALF FANCY YOU.

MEET ME OUTSIDE AT HALF PAST 5:00,

AND WE'LL GET IT TOGETHER."

NOW, THEN, IT IS MY DUTY AS HEAD OF THIS DEPARTMENT

TO ASK EACH ONE OF YOU IF YOU WROTE THIS NOTE.

MR. GRAINGER, DID YOU WRITE IT?

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT.

MR. GRAINGER WOULDN'T SAY, "DEAR SEXY KNICKERS."

YOU'D SAY, "DEAR SEXY BLOOMERS," WOULDN'T YOU?

I VERY MUCH DOUBT IT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, DID YOU WRITE THIS NOTE?

NO, BUT THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT.

WELL, IN VIEW OF THOSE TWO DENIALS,

I CAN COME TO ONLY ONE CONCLUSION.

SHALL I LEAVE NOW OR WORK TILL 5:30?

WE'LL LEAVE THE MATTER OF YOUR FUTURE IN ABEYANCE.

BUT WHAT YOU WILL DO, IS APOLOGIZE

TO THE LADIES' DEPARTMENT FOR THE DISTRESS YOU HAVE CAUSED.

- NOW? - YES, NOW.

YES, NOW!

YOU CAME OUT OF THAT VERY WELL.

IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO GET OVER THERE, CHAT SHIRLEY UP AND ASK HER OUT.

IF YOU FELL IN THE DARK, YOU'D COME UP WITH COAL.

ARE YOU FREE, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

WELL, AT THE MOMENT, MR. LUCAS.

I'M AFRAID I'VE BEEN

A BIT OF A NAUGHTY BOY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

HAVE YOU, MR. LUCAS? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

WELL, YOU KNOW THAT NOTE

THAT YOU THOUGHT CAME FROM CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

- YES. - IT WAS FROM ME.

WELL...

I SHOULD'VE GUESSED ALL THE TIME, SHOULDN'T I?

WHAT?

I'VE SEEN THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING AT ME.

HAVE I?

BUT YOU'RE A VERY NAUGHTY BOY SENDING NOTES.

YOU SHOULD'VE COME ACROSS IN THE OPEN

AND COME OUT WITH IT.

- SHOULD I? - YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO SHY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN YOU THINK.

( tensely ) AM I...?

OOH, IT'S 5:30. I'LL JUST PUT MY HAT ON AND MEET YOU OUTSIDE.

MIND YOU, I'M NOT PROMISING ANYTHING.

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY, STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES, GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS, UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS, TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHINGS RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪