Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor: perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor: telephones, gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor: carpets, travel goods, and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishing, restaurant, and teas

♫ Going down

Oh, oh look. Oh, me suspenders broke.

I'll have to go and do a repair job.

Do it here if you like.

You should be so lucky.

Beverly here. I'm in the ladies and gents department.

Can you hear me, Seymour?

Come in.

Roger!

Mr. Harman, what are you up to with that thing?

I am testing Grace Brothers' new security system,

installed at great cost.

Behind the curtain, what used to be the fitting room,

lies the main apparatus.

It is the ultimate result of the 20th century,

highly sophisticated, technological computer hardware.

I've never seen this before.

No, we put it up over the weekend. We call it Big Brother.

The press of a button, and hey presto,

you can look for shoplifters at any part of the store.

Allow me to give you a demonstration.

Oh, look at that polish!

He's going to polish his desk.

So that's how he got

that longer lasting shine.

What else can you get?

Almost anywhere. Even packing.

I can't see anything.

Nah, well you see the lads like

a bit of privacy when they're playing cards.

Excuse me. Are you receiving me, Seymour?

Roger.

Well move that box, I wanna see you.

I'll have 50p on that hand, and put the kettle on.

You've got it.

Ooh, honestly it's an invasion of privacy.

Let's have a press.

Smoking on the floor!

I'll have a word with her about that.

Blimey, Captain Peacock, have you been

traveling half-fare on the buses?

In view of the extremely hot weather

I think it would be most unwise of you

to place too much strain on your brain

by trying to make witty remarks at my expense.

Sorry, sir.

And put my duty trousers in the fitting room.

Yes, sir.

Ooh, I say!

And what do you say?

Oh, your knees is much younger than I expected.

I mean, a lot of older men at your age

they've got older looking knees.

I expect he's had them lifted.

I have not had them lifted.

It's all that bending down at the bowling club

keeps them young, I expect.

Mr. Harmon, this floor should have been finished by 8:30.

I'm checking the new TV security screens.

Why they installed that instead of better

air conditioning I shall never know.

I know, it's like an oven in here.

I mean, look at my face.

Me foundation cream's beginning to crack.

Yes, and if you was a block of flats

you'd be condemned by now.

Mr. Harmon, that will do.

I'll switch those fans on at 9 o'clock sharp.

Well if you don't I'm off.

You won't be the first.

The cod in the canteen went off half an hour ago.

Where is Mr. Humphries?

Oh, he phoned to say he had a puncture

but he still hoped to be here on time.

Why can't me and Miss Brahms have

one of those portable fans like what he's got?

Nobody's preventing you from buying one.

They're on sale in the electrical department.

They ought to be issued free!

All you have to do is authorize them.

I do not consider it necessary.

Hello, yes?

Oh, Mr. Rumbold. Yes, yes I'll tell her.

Apparently Miss Belfridge is in one of the fitting rooms.

And Mr. Rumbold requires her in his office.

She must have got in early.

She's no right to be there without my permission.

Or mine. Get her out of there, Miss Brahms, at once.

I shall speak to her very severely about this.

'Ere!

Captain Peacock wants you out 'ere!

At the double!

Stephen.

Do you have to see me?

You should really ask my permission to be on the floor,

but I'll overlook it this time.

The only thing he has overlooked.

I'm just trying to make up my mind about this costume.

Now do you think it's too big?

I wouldn't say that.

It's between these two.

Well there is very little between those two.

Miss Belfridge, do let us know if you need a shoehorn.

Oh, I haven't chosen the shoes yet.

I'm still trying to decide on the costume.

Oh, by the way, Captain Peacock,

you've got ever such nice knees.

I think I will authorize those fans after all.

I thought you might.

I'll try and get you one with a long lasting battery

in case she can't make her mind up.

Hold the goods lift, Seymour!

Mr. Humphries, what is the meaning of this?

Well, I thought I'd take advantage

of the heat wave to sell me mother's ice cream,

but unfortunately I got a puncture on the M1.

But you don't live anywhere near the M1.

I know.

There I was vending my wares, when this big, blue,

Jaguar backed into me, caught its back bumper

on me front mud guard, before I knew where I was

I was hurtling up north ringing me bell for all I was worth.

You could've been killed.

I know, and the heat from his exhaust

nearly melted my tutti-frutties.

Yeah, how did you get back?

By train.

I was nearly sold out by the time I got to Baker Street.

God, what a swizz. I could just do with an ice.

- Ooh, you might be lucky. Look, I've got one left.

A giant frozen delight.

50 pence.

Oh, oh I'd love it, but all I've got left

is me dinner money and me fare home.

Me too. Can't we have it on tick?

I know, why don't we all chip in and have a lick each?

Oh, now come on, make up your mind

'cause it's dribbling all down me elbow.

Well, I have the required amount. I shall purchase it.

Thank you.

Ooh, let's have a go.

You ladies should be much more careful with your money.

I'm really looking forward to this.

Is this one too bright, Stephen?

Oh, sorry I was so long but I just couldn't make up my mind.

Is that the costume or the label?

Costume.

Come on, sit down, get on with your work.

Morning tea.

I'm afraid we've run out of biscuits,

but you can have half a Cadbury Snack at reduced price.

No thank you.

By the way, have you heard the good news?

What news?

The long-awaited bonus payment

has finally been passed by the board.

We're getting it today.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I got mine already. Look.

Hello. It's Mr. Grace for you, sir.

Rumbold here, sir. You're paying the bonus today?

That is a surprise.

Oh yes, the staff will be delighted.

All except who?

But I'm upper middle management.

I'm almost one of the family.

What do you mean it's a case of FHB?

Oh, family hold back.

Mr. Grace, this is intolerable. I won't stand for it.

In fact, I resign!

Sir.

What's that?

You just resigned.

Oh, no, no, no. He'll phone back and beg me to stay.

On the other hand, perhaps I was a bit hasty.

Hello Mr. Grace, we got cut off, sir. Yes.

As I was saying, I resign myself

to not getting my bonus just yet.

Rumbold, sir. Yes, big ears.

Yes, the crawler.

He'd forgotten already.

Wanna borrow a fiver?

Get out.

Oh, I can hardly believe it!

Fancy us getting our bonus at last.

I've got about a hundred pounds here.

Same as me.

'Ere, you shouldn't have as much as me and Mrs. Slocombe

on account of we've been here longer.

You seem to forget, I'm a man.

I wonder how much I'll get, being the junior.

Probably you owe them.

I deserve something.

True, but justice is so arranged

that people do not always get what they deserve.

More coffee, anyone?

Are you saying we haven't got to go to the counter?

Not today. Getting my bonus has put me in a good mood.

Plus I got dirty money to compensate me

for wear and tear on my clothes.

Well judging by your pinny, it should be quite a tidy sum.

Even with climbing gear, you wouldn't

get up my nose today, Captain Peacock.

Now, you all sit there, and I'll get your coffees.

It's on me, plus some nice cakes.

Oh, that is most generous.

You look very hot.

Well the fans aren't working.

Oh, I'll get my staff to cool you down.

Fans for table four!

Oh, isn't it lovely being fanned?

I feel like an Egyptian queen.

Really?

Would you go a bit faster, please?

The garlic's getting through.

Isn't it amazing how freedom from poverty

brings out the best in people?

Certainly the reverse in Mr. Rumbold's case.

Oh, he's gone mad at not getting his bonus.

I gather he's in the executive dining room

trying to persuade Mr. Grace to change his mind.

Well, it proves he's got guts.

Let's hope we don't need a dustpan and brush

to get 'em off the carpet.

Here he comes. I think he did it.

Thank you sir, most kindly.

Generous gesture.

Oh, you big eared, bald headed git,

now look what you've done.

I do apologize, really.

- You wait 'til I tell Mr. Grace what you've done.

Oh, no, please, I'm only being allowed to stay on

provided I don't cause any trouble.

Good mood's gone.

I'd never have known.

Get back to work, you lot.

Oh well. All back to normal.

You speak for yourself.

Oh, what a fracas in there.

Lucky Mr. Grace is in a good mood.

That's mainly due to the fact he's

got a horse running today.

Do you mean he's been squandering his money on the horses?

Ooh, we was lucky to get our bonus at all.

Racing is a privilege of the privileged.

What is the name of Mr. Grace's horse?

Mother's Boy. And it's a flyer.

You mean you have inside information?

I'm very close to the stable lad. It's a dead cert.

I was once close to a stable lad.

He put me on a dead cert.

Did your dead cert come home?

No, we stayed in a hotel in Worthy.

She was in the Salvation Army.

They were saving the south coast.

Was she pretty?

Like an angel. We became very good friends under the pier.

Did she save you?

Well, she would have done had it

not been for a sudden wave.

What, high tide?

No, a policeman.

'Ere, what's the odds on this horse?

Two to one.

You see, the reason why the odds is so low

is that, well, he can't lose.

Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a dead cert.

If there were, it would be odds on.

This one would be odds on if people knew what I know.

I saw it do a secret gallop.

How did it go?

Like that.

You see, racing is my hobby. I got a ton on it.

All of your bonus?

Nah, only a hundred quid of it.

You see, that goes on the Mother's Boy

at two to one in the Queen Mary stakes,

and then all of the winnings of that

goes on to Inside Leg out on Trouser Press

at 10 to one at the Young Cup.

It's what we in the trade term as a double.

But only one horse has to lose, you've lost the lot.

Yeah, but if they both come in

it'll be spend, spend, spend.

I can make about 2,000 quid.

2,000 pound. It's a fortune!

And we've got the money to put on it.

I don't want to be a wet blanket,

but the odds are that you'll lose the lot.

Now gambling has ruined many people. I know.

As a young man, I lost everything on the horses.

Just the words betting shop would make my face twitch.

I couldn't control myself. It was like a fever.

I never knew that.

Yes, I'm afraid it's true.

I started with the horses, but that wasn't enough.

And night after night, I'd be at the White City

betting on dogs.

Fancy you going to the dogs.

Of course, I mean, I won to start with.

I studied form, you see.

But then my bets got bigger, and so did my losses.

And in the end I just couldn't think clearly,

and form went out of the window.

I pawned my studs, my watch, even my medals.

Oh, don't!

I was at the end of my tether.

I remember one night standing there in the rain,

unshaven, swaying slightly, staring at the dogs

as they were paraded 'round the ring,

and betting on the one with the longest nose.

After a drink of Eau de Cologne form means nothing.

Was this before you were married?

This was my wedding night.

Your poor wife!

How did you stop?

Sheer willpower and the love of a good woman.

Your wife.

Her as well.

You see, she threatened to divorce me

if she ever caught me betting more than a fiver.

So somehow I gave up. And today, of course, well, I'm cured.

Well I don't think that 100 pounds

that I've never had until today is going to ruin my life.

Ooh, but with 2,000 pounds I couldn't half have a spree.

Well, I suppose I could invest a fiver

'cause that could win more than 100 if they both come up.

Oh, we can't retire on 100 quid.

You can't retire on 2,000.

Well, of course I know that.

Only I could have a holiday in Capri.

And then I might meet a lovely millionaire

who'd want me to look after him in his fading years.

You'd have to book into a very good hotel.

Well I know that.

But with 2,000 pounds I could put up quite a big front.

You're not doing too bad without it.

Shut up.

Look, are you lot in or out?

In!

Right, well, I'm seeing the jockey

what's riding Mother's Boy round at the pub.

And we gave it a try out at dawn,

and he's gonna give me the nod on how it's going.

Well I thought it couldn't lose?

It can't lose!

But we'll get a rough idea on how many

lengths it's gonna win by.

Then everything goes onto Inside Leg at 10 to one.

It's that good, you think?

Here's a fiver, but that's my limit.

Well, I know I've just got me bonus,

but I'm only going to risk a fiver.

Me too, 'ere.

I'm not a betting man, but me mother is,

so I'll have a fiver.

50p, it's all I've got.

You could win 10 quid for that.

Mr. Harmon, could you leave before I bet

the rest of this money on that horse?

If you do, you could win 2,000 quid.

- I'm beginning to twitch now. Here, take it, take it all.

I shall never miss what I never had.

Only unless you're sure you wanna bet on a dead cert.

Go on, take mine.

I mean, I'd never rest if I thought

I'd passed up a chance to win 2,000 pounds.

Only unless you're sure.

We are. Here's mine.

It's no good, I can't stop myself. Here's mine.

- No, I won't take yours. You're trying to give it up.

Put it away. The fever will pass.

Have a nice strong cup of coffee, it'll make you feel better.

It's no use. I've gotta put that money on that horse.

Oh, Captain Peacock, control yourself. Take a deep breath.

And hold it.

Not too long.

Oh thank you.

I'm really very ashamed that you should

see my weakness for a moment just like that.

It's all over now.

Yes, we won't mention it until the race is over

and they've all collected their 2,000 quid

which they won on the dead cert that couldn't lose.

Where's my betting shop?

No!

Captain Peacock!

Stupid, dumb, boy, you...

Well it's very unique, madam.

But is it Askett?

Well, there's horses there and it's very Dallas.

I don't think so. But thank you for your trouble.

Will you require a credit note, madam?

I haven't bought anything.

No, but haven't half messed that hat about.

I don't like the tone of your voice.

And I don't like being spoken to in that manner.

I'm very friendly with one of the

main shareholders in this firm.

What's your name?

Mrs. Devia Winterton.

I shall remember that.

I hoped you might.

Dallas?

Well, she looked stupid in that hat.

Well I know that, and you know that,

but you don't tell the customer that.

Yes, but when we get our winnings,

we'll be the ones buying hats, won't we?

Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms, if I--

Excuse me, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Rumbold's out to go and see his bank manager.

And he told me to tell you that

you're in charge 'til he gets back.

Right.

Here, by the way, there's a rumor

that you put that bet on.

I did. It was the biggest mistake I ever made.

There's a telly in Mr. Rumbold's office.

You could watch it in there.

I'm gonna watch it in packing.

Oh, thanks.

Come on. Hey, Rumbold's gone to the bank.

We're going to watch it on his portable.

And it's Mother's Boy coming through

on the inside, and Dead Easy is holding on.

For now they're neck and neck.

And now it's Biscuit Challenger.

Look, why is that jockey bobbing up and down?

He's putting it off.

You lot aren't supposed to be here.

And Mother's boy--

Show him the whip!

How dare you watch television in my office!

Oh, they were nearly at the end.

Now we don't know who has won.

Our bonus was on that.

Peacock, I hold you responsible.

And I must tell you I am totally opposed to gambling.

Why are you twitching, Peacock?

I have no idea.

Get back on the floor.

Spoilsport!

I expect you tried to stop them,

but they forced you to switch the set on.

Yes sir.

Hello? Yeah.

Yes, I'll tell him. It's Mr. Grace.

He's got to go to a meeting and he wants you

to watch out for the odds on the last race

they just ran at Ascot.

I thought you were going to the bank?

Yes, I did, but there was a queue.

Ah, hello sir. Yes, that'll be a pleasure.

Yes, a wonderful sport.

And while you're on the line, sir, about my bonus--

What?

You've invested it?

Yes, well, that is most kind,

but I do need it rather urgently.

May I inquire if it's on deposit at a good rate?

I see. It's on Inside Leg in the 3:30.

Yes I will watch, most closely.

He's got my money on his horse!

Come on, let's get the set on.

Now, then. I wonder what the odds are.

And who the jockey is. And what the going's like.

And why we're watching Play School.

Look, I'm sorry. What can I say?

Sorry?

About what?

But our horse came first, it was leading at the end.

Yeah, the horse came in first, but not the jockey.

He fell off.

That doesn't count, does it?

No, it doesn't.

We've lost our bonus, and all that money

was going to go on to the next race.

What a fool I've been, what an unmitigated fool!

If the jockey fell off, we should have our money back.

That's the luck of the game, isn't it?

Mind you, there is still a way you

could get your money back.

What is it?

How?

Well the next horse is Inside Leg at 10 to one.

Now if you all put a tenner on that to win

and it wins, you collect and get your bonus back.

But we're broke.

All our money was on the race.

Yes, I can't even get home.

And if my wife finds out, well, my life will be hell.

Well, you could always go 'round

to the pawn broker and raise a bit of wind.

I mean them cufflinks of yours must be worth a tenner.

Mr. Humphries' watch and chain, that's quite nice.

But we can't run around London looking for a pawn broker.

You don't have to. My card.

See the balls on it?

I do a bit on the side.

So you'll give us the tenners?

Right, let's see what you got to hawk.

Here, you can have my watch and chain.

I never thought I'd sink this low again.

There's my semiprecious earrings,

and my part-crocodile handbag.

Which part's crocodile?

The clasp. They're real crocodile teeth.

I'm paying a charge for that.

I haven't got anything to offer.

You can have it on tick.

Why couldn't I have it on tick?

You really haven't got anything to offer.

Daft boy.

What will you give me for this electric fan, then?

Second hand?

A quid.

Robbery.

If you're gonna insult the firm, 50p.

I'll take it.

Right, here's a tenner each

to put on at 10 to one on Inside Leg.

Here's a quid for you, and here you go.

Now all we need is a bookie.

My card.

Don't tell me you're a bookie as well.

No, it's William Hill's number on there.

I got an account with him.

I hope that horse wins.

My mother gave me that watch

when I became captain of the embroidery team.

John Blinker 'ere.

Can I have 50 quid to win on Inside Leg?

10 to one. Thank you.

Right, that's it, I'll just take the money.

Ooh, that didn't last long.

Ooh, I do wish we could see it on the telly.

No, we can't leave the floor again. We'd get fired.

I've got an idea. The security screen in the fitting room.

I could pop down to the radio department,

get one of those walkie-talkie things,

listen to it on the radio, and relay it to you

on the screen in the fitting room.

That's brilliant.

Permission to leave the floor.

I'll turn a blind eye.

Oh, look at those hats.

Yes, rather silly, some of them.

Ah, the horses are lining up.

Which is the one with my bonus on it?

The one foaming at the mouth and facing the wrong way.

Oh, I can't stand the strain. Tell me when it's over.

Oh, here he is.

- Oh, there he is now. Oh, his shoes look nice.

We can see you.

Can you hear us?

We can't hear you.

It's no good. We can't hear.

We're gonna miss the race!

Oh what's he doing?

Headphones.

What's he doing?

I know, I know.

He's going to listen to the race on the radio

and then mime it to us.

Is that right?

Oh, great.

What's he doing?

Oh, he's miming. He's miming Inside Leg.

Now what's he doing?

I have no idea.

He looks as if he's playing tennis.

Oh, I've got it, I've played charades before.

Now that means first word. First word?

Kick, he's kicking the horse!

Oh, got it. First letter of first word.

A?

B?

C?

D?

E?

F?

G?

H, I, J?

K?

L?

M?

N?

O?

P?

P!

It's P something.

Oh, what wrong with him?

I've got it, I've got it!

Yeah?

The jockey's gone potty.

Skipping?

He's playing!

Inside leg.

Is playing.

I got it. Inside leg is playing up.

Oh dear.

Go away.

Two words. Two words.

In his trousers.

Shirt. His shirt tail.

Pants, pants. The horse is panting!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, it's underwear. First word: under.

Oh, under.

Handle?

Under handle?

Under a car?

Under a barrel organ?

Under a mangle?

What's he going for?

Book, it's his bill pad.

Bill pad, orders. That's it, orders!

They're under starter's orders.

Oh, right.

Watch?

Time?

Five seconds to go.

Five, four, three, two, one.

They're off!

Inside leg.

It's a lady horse.

It's a lady horse without a bra.

It's out in front!

Blimey, there's another horse passing him.

Ooh, which one's that?

It's a teapot.

Teapot.

I'll go through the field. Hang on.

Inside Leg, Nightcap, Frenzy, Holiday Queen.

Oh, Holiday Queen.

The jockey's pulling his collar.

Kissing?

Inside Leg's kissing Holiday Queen!

No. I've got it, necking, necking.

They're neck and neck!

Good, good, good.

Inside Leg. Is out in front.

From Holiday Queen.

Well it's a letter.

He's let another horse go past.

No.

He's posting it. Posting it.

Post!

They're inside of the post!

Inside Leg.

He's got his nose in front.

That's right.

Of Holiday Queen.

And they're getting to the post.

Oh, we've got our money.

Oh, we've got our money back.

Ooh, never again. Never again.

Here you are Mrs. Slocombe.

Here you are Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock, my television set

has appeared to have broken down

and I had to watch the race for Mr. Grace.

He's very anxious to know the result.

I wonder did you happen to hear from

any of the customers or one of the staff

which horse won it?

Well, someone mentioned that Inside Leg had won,

which is of no interest to us, of course.

That's a relief.

Oh, so you've got your bonus, then?

Well, nearly.

Apparently all the winnings goes on to a horse

in the next race, which is something called

a cert at 20 to one.

You've got a cert at 20 to one?

What's it called?

King of the Fairies.

Twenty to one, we could win a fortune!

Mr. Humphries.

What is it?

How do you fancy King of the Fairies at 4 o'clock?

I don't finish work 'til half past five.

Quick, I need to come on King of the Fairies.

Come on!

corrected by 7kozlov - www.myfbs.ru -

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware, and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets, travel goods and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishing, restaurant and food

♫ Going down

♫ First floor telephones, gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going down

♫ Ground floor perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware, and food

♫ Going up